Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Zach Galifianakis!
Zach Galifianakis: Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you very much, thank you. Thank you. Please be quiet! It’s great to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live”. All week, I was thinking to myself: “Don’t screw this up, Fatty.” That was actually a text from my mother.
I’ll never forget what my grandmother said right before she passed away. She said to me right before she passed away, she said to me, she said: “What are you doing?”
My neighbor — I ran into my neighbor, and he said, “Hey, uh, I hear you’re on the TV sometimes. Why don’t you say something about me on the TV?” [ he turns for a close-up ] STOP stealing my tomatoes!
I have a lot of exciting things coming up. Uh, next week, uh — I’ll be at Long John Silver’s. And, in April, I’ll be babysitting my sister’s kids via Skype.
I also have a DVD of my stand-up, and it’s selling like… whatever the opposite of hotcakes is.
I wear a lot of Axe body spray. But I live in a black neighborhood — it’s called Ask body spray. And, if you don’t get that joke… then, you’re not racist.
[ the audience eats it up as he turns to acknowledge a Black musician in the band ]
The only time it’s good to yell out “I have diarrhea!” is when you’re playing Scrabble. Because it’s worth a crapload of points.
This show has a lot of characters in it. I’ve been doing a lot of, uh, characters over the years, and I’d like to showcase a few characters I’ve been working on. This first character is called the Redneck Who Orders Stuff at Convenience Stores Very Masculine-Like, But Cannot Order One of the Products Very Masculinely. Here we go: [ deep-voiced ] “Uh, yeah — can I get some beef jerky… some, uh, Copenhagen… a foot-long corn dog… and some, uh… [ high-pitched voice ] Skittles!”
This next character is called The Guy From Queens Who’s Obsessed With Cargo Shorts. Here we go: [ tough-guy accent ] “What are those, cargo shorts?”
This next character — this next character is called… [ he approaches a woman in the audience and leans casually upon her chair ] The Worst Bragger in the World: “So, uh, yeah… I was french-kissing my brother the other night…”
[ he returns to Home Base ]
THank you. Um… the jokes are done. And I want to talk about now, um — there’s a lot of issues going on, and, uh, in the country right now, in the United States, and I think it’s… very important for us a country to look forward to the future. [ he removes his jacket ] Because, uh… there’s always a tomorrow. Music, please.
[ he finishes removing his clothes to reveal a Little Orphan Annie costume, then begins to lip-synch to “Tomorrow” ]
[ as he lip-synchs, he tears sheets from an easel to reveal the following series of messages: ]
[ “THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW” ]
[ “I SURE HOPE SO” ]
[ “MARRIAGE SHOULD BE BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN” ]
[ “…OR BETWEEN TWO MEN WHO LIKE TO GO ANTIQUING” ]
[ “THANKS FOR THE APPLAUSE” ]
[ the audience applauds ]
[ “I WAS BULLIED AS A TEENAGER” ]
[ “BY FIRST GRADERS” ]
[ “LOOK AT ME NOW” ]
[ HE SKIPS AROUND THE STAGE ]
[ “CLAP IF YOU ENDORSE LEGALIZED MARIJUANA” ]
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
[ “I’M ASHAMED OF THIS AUDIENCE” ]
[ “THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A LOT MORE CLAPPING” ]
[ “I SMOKE SO MUCH POT SOMETIMES I FORGET TO SMOKE IT” ]
[ “IRAN, IRAQ & NORTH IKEA…” ]
[ “WHAT TO DO?” ]
[ “DUKAKIS 2012” ]
[ glitter falls down as the audience cheers ]
[ he tears one more sheet from the easel: ]
[ “LOOKS LIKE FATTY DID OK” ]
Zach Galifianakis: we’ve got a great show! Hoobastank is here! No? Not again? [ he shrugs ] Jessie J is here! We’ll be right back!
Greg Gumbel…..Kenan Thompson Jim Nantz…..Jason Sudeikis Tracy Wilson…..Nasim Pedrad Muammar Gaddafi…..Fred Armisen Dick Vitale…..Andy Samberg Melissa Leo…..Kristen Wiig Charlie Sheen…..Bill Hader
Announcer: It’s Selection Sunday on CBS!
[ dissolve to sports desk ]
Greg Gumbel: Well, it’s March! That means it’s time for March Madness! Hello, I’m Greg Gumbel. And ‘ve been rockin’ this room since 1981!
Jim Nantz: And I’m Jim Nantz. [ whispering ] Golf whisper!
Greg Gumbel: Tonight, we’re unveiling the BRACKETS! Not for March Madness, but for ACTUAL madness!
Jim Nantz: That’s right! It’s the tournament to determine who’s the CRAZIEST person… in the world. We’ve got four regions of craziness, but let’s start with North Africa.
[ reveal bracket ]
Greg Gumbel: In a bracket that is dominated with ruthless dictators, and leading the insanity is Number One seed Muammar Gaddafi.
Jim Nantz: Gadaffi, the heavy favorite so far, is stepping up his game, come tourney time, with a full-scale civil war.
Greg Gumbel: And just LOOK at the guy — it’s like Tony Shalhoub had a baby with E.T.
Jim Nantz: [ chuckling ] Let’s check in with sideline reporter Tracy Wilson, who’s with Moammar right now.
[ cut to Tracy Wilson interview Gaddafi amid ruins ]
Tracy Wilson: President Gaddafi… first NUmber One seed since 1988. Must feel good!
Muammer Gaddafi: Oh, I’m PUMPED, baby! But this was a TEAM effort. There’s no “I” in “Gadaffi” — depending on the spelling! Sometimes there’s a “Y”… sometimes there’s, like, FIVE “I”s. [ he laughs heartily ] But I’m going ALL THE WAY this year! It’s WIN… or get assassinated! [ he laughs meekly ] BOO-YAH!!
Tracy Wilson: Gotta love that confidence! Back to you guys!
[ return to the sports desk ]
Jim Nantz: Mmm… President Gaddaffi, a fat sleepy baby in a pile of blankets!
Greg Gumbel: [ impressed ] Oh… alright. Let’s move on to the Washington, D.C. madness bracket. We’ve got stiff competition, with Michelle Bachmann going up against Keith Olbermann, in what’s sure to be a battle of creepy eyes versus creepy mouth. And Number One seed Glenn Beck is going up against New York congressman Peter King, who was generating a lot of BUZZ pre-tournament. To help bring it down is the wacky uncle of college basketball — Dick Vitale!
[ cut to Dick Vitale ranting and raving ]
Dick Vitale: It’s a Cinderella story, baby!! Representative Peter King is coming out of nowhere with his radical Islam hearing!! It’s the Salem Witch Trials, baby!! Is he special?! I man, is he special?! IS HE SPECIAL?!! Ohhhhhh, I ask a lot of rhetorical questions, baby!
[ Greg Gumbel chuckles to himself ]
Jim Nantz: You’re the best, Dick!
Dick Vitale: I hope this tournament NEVER ends! Because, when it does, they put me BACK IN THE FREEZERRRRRR!!! DIPSY-DOO DUNK-A-ROO!!
[ return to the sports desk, as Gumbel chuckles to himself ]
Jim Nantz: Hmm… it’s like Stanley Tucci snorted Adderall.
[ the two men shake hands at a joke well done ]
Greg Gumbel: Finally! Let’s look at what might be the MOST competitive bracket of all — the Hollywood division!
Jim Nantz: ALWAYS the most entertaining bracket! And it starts with a playing game between aspiring hot mess Melissa Leo, and seasoned disaster Coutney Love. In fact, let’s go LIVE now to an EMPTY Kodak Theater, where Melissa Leo is preparing for the tournament by continuing her Oscar acceptance speech.
[ cut to Melissa Leo holding her Oscar ]
Melissa Leo: [ choking up ] I’m not done! And it’s about the work! And it’s about the craft! And it’s about SELLING MOVIES!! [ she takes a bite off the top of her Oscar statuette and screams ]
[ return to sports desk ]
Jim Nantz: [ chuckling ] Oh, boy! I like her chances! The winner will take on heavy favorite Charlie Sheen. But don’t count out the 3-seed — Nick Cage! — who ALWAYS looks like he just witnessed a murder. In the past year, he’s been in “The Sorceror’s Apprentice”, “Season of the Witch”, and “Drive Angry: 3D”. That is just an EPIC run of nonsense.
Greg Gumbel: It sure is! But I still like 2-seed Mel Gibson, seen her in disguise as an undercover Wilfred Brimley. [ reveal file photo ] But there’s no question that Charlie Sheen is the frontrunner here, driving the Crazy TRain at full throttle!
Jim Nantz: The fear with Sheen is: Has he peaked too soon? I mean, he’s done in two weeks what it’s taken Michael Jackson fifteen years to do!
Greg Gumbel: It’d be great to hear Sheen’s thoughts! [ pressing his ear ] Wha… what? Oh, he as a 24/7 webcast!
Jim Nantz: Let’s check in with Charlie Sheen.
[ cut to Charlie Sheen speaking into webcam ]
Charlie Sheen: My point is… I don’t need two-and-a-half trolls. Because Bartholomew and I — [ he holds up a stick figure ] are starting our own show! It’s called “Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner”, and it’s gonna be epic — EP-IIIIIC!! [ he holds the stick figure to his ear ] What’s that? I can’t say that, they’ll think I’m crazy. Okay. [ to the camera ] The pyramids were built by the Wayans Brothers.
[ return to the anchors applauding at the sports desk ]
Jim Nantz: Oh, man! That guy’s the best! The best!
Greg Gumbel: That guy is a sloppy bucket of crazy!
Jim Nantz: Mmm-hmm! Let’s take a break to hear from our sponsors — Four Loko and AK-47s. When we return, we’ll break down the Middle East bracket and we’ll hear from four-time champion Kim Jong-Il. But, first: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Zach Galifianakis: [ his head shaved in the style of a mohawk ] Thanks a lot, everybody! Unfortunately, we did NOT get to the Mr. T sketch. [ the audience laughs at his mock embarrassment ] A real bummer, if you ask me. Thanks to Jessie J, b.o.b.! The cast, the crew, the writers! My parents. [ he glances offstage ] Keep going? [ thinking ] The guy that shines my rollerblades. Thank you, everybody, have a great night! Good night! [ he rubs his mohawk before mingling with the cast ]
Announcer: [ over product slide ] The following is a message from the Corn Syrup Producers of America.
[ dissolve to child’s birthday party scene ]
[ Mom #1 pours juice from a jug as Mom #2 steps forward ]
Mom #2: Wow. You don’t care what the kids eat, huh?
Mom #1: Excuse me?
Mom #2: Uh, that has high-fructose corn syrup in it.
Mom #1: [ incredulous ] And?
Mom #2: Well, you know the things they say about high-fructose corn syrup. [ she laughs ]
Mom #1: Like what?
Mom #2: Well… um…
Mom #1: That it’s made from corn, and it’s natural enough and like sugar and it’s fine in moderation?
Mom #2: I guess…
Mom #1: You guess what? That you should have kept your MOUTH shut?
[ Mom #2 is rendered speechless ]
[ Mom #1 raises her eyebrows in assured victory ]
Mom #2: I-I never… [ she sips from her mug ]
Mom #1: Never what? Never heard of science? You know, this is a real jam for me — trust scientists… or stay-at-home mom Sheila from down the street who’s having wine at ten a.m.
Mom #2: I’m sorry… Let’s just…
Mom #1: Let’s just what? Make a bigger deal about the corn syrup? At this FUN party that I’ve invited you to, even though I didn’t want to because you say shit like this?
Mom #2: Okay. [ collecting her thoughts ] Hey, that’s a great sweater!
Mom #1: Thanks! It was my daughter’s, but she grew out of it.
[ cut to plump daughter spilling out of her tight clothes ]
Daughter: Mommy! Could I have some more juicy drink?
Mom #1: Of course, you can!
Daughter: Yeah!
[ she chugs the drink then runs off, exposinger her butt crack ]
Mom #2: She’s cute.
Mom #1: Yep.
Mom #1 V/O: Get the facts. Check out our web site… [ SUPER: “ThereAreWorseThingsThanCornSyrup.com” ] and no other web sites.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 36: Episode 17 ]]> Amazon.com Widgets
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
March 12th, 2011 Zach Galifianakis Jessie J None None None
Selection SundaySummary: It’s March Madness, so Greg Gumbel and Jim Nantz bring down the brackets to determine who’s the craziest person in the world. Recurring Characters: Greg Gumbel, Jim Nantz, Muammer Gaddaffi, Charlie Sheen. Transcript
Montage
Zach Galifianakis’ MonologueSummary: Zach Galifianakis introduces new characters he’s working on, then lip-synchs “Tomorrow” while dressed as Little Orphan Annie. Transcript
The TalkSummary: Frantic “The View” fan (Zach Galifianakis) is dissapointed to be stuck in the audience of insipid knock-off during his birthday. Recurring Characters: Sharon Osbourne, Whoopi Goldberg.
The Original Kings Of Catchphrase ComedySummary: A group of hacky comedians whose routines consist of one semi-amusing catchphrase are now on tour together.
Scared StraightSummary: Hardcore inmates Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and Creepy Guy (Zach Galifianakis) try to scare another trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight. Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In “Zach Looks for a New Assistant”, Zach Galifianakis interviews mature children for the oafish position.
Jessie J performs “Price Tag”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Julie Taymor (Kristen Wiig) comments about her dismissal as director of Broadway’s “Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark”. Liam the Teenager Who Just Woke Up (Andy Samberg) comments about fluctuating oil prices as it pertains to his weird dreams. Recurring Characters: Liam the Teenager Who Just Woke Up.
NoodlesSummary: Mom (Kristen Wiig) and Dad (Zach Galifianakis) try to find a gentle way to tell their kids (Nasim Pedrad, Bobby Moynihan, Abby Elliott) that the family dog died from autoerotic asphyxiation. Transcript
Celebrity ScoopSummary: Kind-hearted Canadian gossips (Kristen Wiig, Fred Armisen) have only nice things to say about American celebrities.
Jesse J perform “Mamma Knows Best”
Corn Syrup Producers of AmericaSummary: Moms (Nasim Pedrad, Kristen Wiig) disagree on the virtues of high-fructose corn syrup. Transcript
TitanicSummary: Ignoring the lives of the passengers he endangered, the Titanic’s Captain (Zach Galifianakis) disguises himself as a woman and sneaks aboard a life boat headed for shore.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Fertility SessionSummary: Fertility doctor (Jason Sudeikis) counsels a woman (Kristen Wiig) who can’t have kids because her husband (Zach Galifinakis) insists on wearing five pairs of pants with no boxer shorts.
National Naming CompetitionSummary: Participants (Zach Galifinakis, Nasim Pedrad) compete to see who name the most number of people in an allotted amount of time.
Salon TalkSummary: Hair stylist’s (Abby Elliott) moment in the sun is ruined by the bickering between her parents (Zach Galafianakis, Kristen Wiig) on their salon talk show. Recurring Characters: Gene Shemp, Lydia Shemp.
70’s AlbumsSummary: Music lover (Jason Sudeikis) shuns company after burning his hand in the fireplace and tries to enjoy his favorite 70’s hits alone.
Charlie Sheen…. Bill Hader Christina Aguilera….Abby Elliott John Galiano….Taran Killam Muammar Gaddafi….Fred Armisen Lindsay Lohan….Miley Cyrus
Announcer: Up next, on every channel website, it’s the new talk show Duh! Winning! with Charlie Sheen.
Christina Aguilera: [sings] Now it’s time for Duh! Winning! with Charlie Sheeeeeeeeen!
[Show’s logo. “Duh! Winning with Charlie Sheen”]
[Charlie sits on his talk show smoking and looking like hell]
Charlie Sheen: Hello. And welcome to Duh! Winning!. The show for people who are tired of apologizing for their bitching, gnarly rockstar lives and ready to celebrate being highly evolved warlocks. Say hello to my band leader miss Christina Aguilera.
Christina Aguilera: Hey, Charlie.
Charlie Sheen: Winning! Hey, what’s new with you goddess?
Christina Aguilera: Things are pretty…[sings] Ro–oo–oouuuuugh! I botched the National Anthem, I fell down at the Grammys and this week I got arrested for–[sings] public intoxicaaaa–tioooo–ooon!
Charlie Sheen: You know what you really got arrested for? Public intoxi–winning! I mean look at you. You’re like my ideal woman. You’re blond, you make terrible decisions. You know. You’re blond.
Christina Aguilera: Thanks Charlie.
Charlie Sheen: Let’s meet our first guest. He’s a gnarly, gnarlington who speaks his mind. A radical, radical dude. Fashion designer, John Galiano.
Christina Aguilera: [sings] John Galianoooooooo! Winning!
[John comes out dressed like a gay pirate. Sits next to Charlie]
John Galiano: Hi there.
Charlie Sheen: John Galiano, bitching rock star, great guy. How many points you put up on the scoreboard this week, what? Like a million?
John Galiano: More like zero. I had a bad week, Charlie.
Charlie Sheen: Pleeeease.
John Galiano: Seriously. I was caught saying “I love Hitler”. But it was taken completely out of context. I wasn’t praising Hitler the person, I was praising Hitler’s political views. It’s so terrible I was fired by Christian Dior.
Charlie Sheen: So what? I lost my job too and now I can do whatever I want, you know, I can do “Major League 3″, ” Hot Shots Part Cuatro”. I’m really excited by this, “Platoon 2: Electric Platoonaloo”.
John Galiano: You’re so positive.
Charlie Sheen: Uh, Duh! Winning! And so are you. Quick, give me three awesome things about you. Go.
John Galiano: Um, ok. I have no ugly friends. I dress up like a methed-out musketeer. And I got a mustache that whispers “I’m a bad person”.
Charlie Sheen: And how’s that make you feel?
John Galiano: Winning!
Charlie Sheen: See? That’s our lives. Deal with it. Sorry middle America. Losers! Winning! Bye bye! Real quick, I want to thanks today’s sponsor “Tiger Blood”. Just blood from a tiger in a jar. [holds up the jar] It’s up to you what to do with it. Next guest is Muammar Ghadafi, or how I like to call him “Mo-Muff” Gaddafi.
Christina Aguilera: [sings] Muammar Ghadafiiiiii–iiiii! Winning!
[Ghadafi enters in his desert pastel colored robes, salutes John, sits]
Muammar Gaddafi: Charlie, is great to be here. It’s great to be anywhere but Lybia. Who’s running that place? [laughs]
Charlie Sheen: Winning! You and I have a lot in common. You’re a Vatican assassin and you’re 79. I’m a Vatican assassin and I look 79. We’ve got tiger blood!
Muammar Gaddafi: Thanks, you know, but actually I’m not doing so great.
Charlie Sheen: Impossible. You’re so bitching, so gnarly. You’re killing it right now.
Muammar Gaddafi: If by “it” you mean my people, then yes I’m very much killing it.
Charlie Sheen: Down get down on yourself. You’ve been a a star dictator on a hit country for 42 seasons. Without you no one even talks about Lybia? I mean, who they’re gonna replace you? Elected democracy? John Stamos? Come on! So what? Some trolls called you an anti-semite.
Muammar Gaddafi: I don’t understand what that means.
Charlie Sheen: It means you hate Jews.
Muammar Gaddafi: Oh, I’m definitely that, yes. I didn’t understand, put me down as totally on that.
Charlie Sheen: Either way. Real quick. Three good things about yourself. Go.
Muammar Gaddafi: Ok. I have the courage of a lion. The heart of a monster and I dress like Humpty Hump from Digital Underground.
Charlie Sheen: How do you feel now, Muammar?
Muammar Gaddafi: Winning!
Charlie Sheen: Winning! Let’s go to a quick viewer e-mail. “Charlie, everything you’re saying is making perfect sense. I’ve been waiting my whole life for someone to spell things out so clearly. Finally I know, I’m not crazy” Well, thank you very much gbusey69@hotmail.com.Our final guest is a long time member of the winning circle. Please welcome, Lindsay Lohan.
Christina Aguilera: [sings] Lindsay Lohaaaaaa–aan! Winning!
Lindsay Lohan: Hey Charlie.
Charlie Sheen: Hey Lindsay. You winning?
Lindsay Lohan: You know it.
Charlie Sheen: Radical! Lay it on me.
Lindsay Lohan: Things are great. My new movie Herbie opened 68 months ago and the Los Angeles courthouse gave me my own parking spot. Winning!
Charlie Sheen: Winning!
Lindsay Lohan: Duh!
Charlie Sheen: Duh! Ha,ha,ha,hold on, hold on real quick. [rubs defibrillators together] Clear! [zaps himself in the chest, lays dead for a moment and zaps back to life again] Hey, we’re winning again! All right, real quick I got to mention another sponsor. Baby urine.[holds a cup of urine] Got a drug test coming up? Reach for some nice, clean baby urine.
Lindsay Lohan: Can I get some of that?
Charlie Sheen: Ah, yes. [gives Lindsay the bottle, she leaves the set] That’s the show. Let’s take a look as we always do, at the scoreboard.[Scoreboard: Charlie Sheen 10,000. Trolls 0] Tough day for the trolls. Show is done, is in the past, I’m done, bye-bye, I got to do 10 more interviews but real quick, Live from New York…[frantic hand signals] it’s Saturday Night!
…..Seth Meyers The Devil…..Jason Sudeikis Anthony Crispino…..Bobby Moynihan
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: Good evening! I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:
[ sternly, to image of Charlie Sheen ] No! Not yet! I will get to you! But other things happened this week, and I’m gonna talk about them first! Be patient!
Embattled Libyan leader Moammar Khadaffi appeared on a Serbian TV station this past weekend and denied there was any revolt in his country, saying, “There are no incidents at the moment and Libya is completely quiet. There is nothing unusual.” Adding, “Aside, as always, from my face and my outfits.”
In honor of the role that social media played in overthrowing Hosni Mubarak, a man in Egypt has named his daughter “Facebook” — ’cause he sure wasnt going to name her “Zuckerberg.”
Republican Newt Gingrich, on Thursday, announced that he is forming an exploratory committee for a possible presidential run in 2012. The central question: Are voters still going by charisma, or have they switched over to head size?
[ to image of Charlie Sheen ] Okay. You’ve been patient. Now I’m gonna tell a bunch of jokes about you.
In an interview Monday, Charlie Sheen claims he quit drugs on his own saying, “I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind.” I dont know. I find it hard to believe that a guy whos done that much coke was able to close his eyes.
The suspension of Charlie Sheens sitcom, “Two and a Half Men”, and Sheens subsequent bizarre television and radio appearances have dominated the news this week. And, with a story that big, there are bound to be some “Winners and Losers.”
[ “Winners/Losers” graphic ]
First up, Winner: Denise Richards. She walked out of a bad movie nice and early, and the rest of us are still sitting here watching it. Denise Richards is like someone who sold her house in 2007.
Winner: Angus T. Jones. Not only does this guy get a break from the worlds worst role model, he gets to wrap up puberty off-camera. No one should have to make the difficult transition from half-man to man in the public eye. I myself was a cute kid, and I look normal now, but everything in between was just knobby joints and patchy body hair.
Also, winner: 80’s slang. I would have thought the only way to hear “gnarly” and “bitchin” so much would be via a time machine. I guess this proves the theory that when you do cocaine, your slang freezes in time like a prehistoric mosquito in amber. What do you mean there’s new slang? How did I not hear it? You havent stopped talking for 25 years!
Loser: The news media. Everyone got their perspective a little skewed. Piers Morgan talked to Sheen the way a guy who just ran out of coke talks to a guy who still has some. “Well you seem fine to me!” Even Al-Jazeera started their broadcast with “Libya is on the brink of a civil war, but first — Wild Times at Sober Valley Lodge.”
Winner: Parents of porn stars who arent living with Charlie Sheen. Finally some good news for the neighbors. “Hey, is your daughter the one whos living with -?” “No, she’s not.” “You must be very proud.” “I am!”
Also loser: Tigers. Tigers must be wondering: “Why is he dragging us into this? Were FULL of tiger blood and we dont behave like that.” Were noble jungle cats, and if we want gazelles we have to chase them down and catch them. We dont call a service and have two of them show up at our hotel rooms.”
And the biggest loser: Winning. Doesnt seem to mean the same thing anymore.
Announcer: [ over “Winners/Losers” graphic ] This has been… “Winners and Losers.”
Fashion designer John Galliano, who was fired by Christian Dior this week for making anti-Semitic remarks, denied the charges against him, saying he was provoked when “an individual tried to hit him with a chair.” And if youve ever been threatened with a chair, you know the occasional “I love Hitler” just slips out.
A member of the Brigham Young University basketball team has been suspended for the rest of the season for violating the schools honor code by having premarital sex. The player says he feels terrible, but he has a pretty good idea on how hes going to cheer himself up.
Seth Meyers: The Supreme Court, earlier this week, issued a landmark First Amendment ruling. It upheld the right of the Westboro Baptist Church to protest at military funerals. Here to comment: The Devil.
The Devil: [ catcalls, then laughs ] Yeah! Great to be here, Seth! Thank you for having me!
Seth Meyers: Uhhh — sure thing, “The Devil”! How are you?
The Devil: Ah, I’m busy as HOME, man! Busy as home!
Seth Meyers: [ confused ] You’re “busy as home”?
The Devil: Yeah — Busy as HELL, Seth! Hell’s my home!
Seth Meyers: Okay…
The Devil: Try to keep up, buddy! [ he laughs ]
Seth Meyers: Okay. So, what have you been up to?
The Devil: Ohhh, boy! What have I been up to? Well, let’s just see, uh… I just wrapped up Awards season. Yeah, you know, I wrote Ricky Gervais some jokes for the Golden Globes — that was fun. Uhhh, I produced the Oscars this year — they went perfectly. Uhhh — oh! And the McRib came back! So, you’re welcome, arteries! Uh — but I always have time for you, Seth!
Seth Meyers: Oh. Well… thank you. So, what do you think about the Westboro Baptist Church protesting at military funerals?
The Devil: Well, I HATE it! I-I-I mean, no way, man! Those people are… AWFUL!
Seth Meyers: So, wait — the Devil doesn’t support the Westboro Baptist Church. That surprises me, because what they’re doing is pure evil.
The Devil: Oh, exactly! And I LOVE evil! I mean, I’m the physical incarnation of pure evil! But, come on! What they’re doing is HEINOUS! And I’m DOWN with heineous. I mean, look at me — who wear red with red? [ he laughs ] You know, not that I can’t pull it off, obviously. But, I mean they hold up these signs that say “God Hates Gay People.” Ugh! What?! At a military funeral? Please! First of all, God doesn’t hate gay people, okay? God doesn’t hate anyone — that’s his whle THING! God doesn’t even hate ME!! I mean, he’s disappointed, you know what I mean? But he doesn’t HATE me. If anything, I hate gay people! Okay? I mean, I’ve spent years and years working to destroy urban neighborhoods through drugs, violence and poverty, and then these gays SWOOP in — right? — they clean everything up, and suddenly there’s cupcake shops and candle stores everywhere! I mean — and, you know what? They’re SO nice, too! Ugh! I tell ya, I HATE ’em — but I can’t stay mad at ’em!
Seth Meyers: So, if you don’t mind my asking — since these protests are so awful, can I assume they’re going to Hell?
The Devil: [ gushing ] Oh, you KNOW it, buddy! Whoo, you know it! And I cannot wait, oh man! I know EXACTLY what I’m gonna do — I’ve been planning this thing for years, okay? I’m gonna dress up, first off, dress up like God — you know, with the long beard and the white robe and the Enya CD playing in the background? You know, the whole nine, okay? Then, when they show up, I’m gonna be, like, “Ohhhhhh, thank you guys SO much for all your funeral protesting! You guys SO get me!” And then, just when they start hugging and high-fiving each other, BOOM!! I rip off the costume and I say, “You just got DAMN’D!!” [ he laughs and flourishes ]
Seth Meyers: Nice! That’s good. So, what’s next for The Devil?
The Devil: Uhhh — well, you know, it’s a big Saturday night in New York City, so, uh, let’s see — I’ve got a married secretary in Murray Hill about to not go home with a bartender, so… I gotta put a Pass on that. Um, let’s see — you know, I’m just gonna oversee some stuff in the Meat Packing District tonight… and then, you know, back to the West Coast to help with the next season of “Entourage”.
Seth Meyers: Oh. Well, that’s great! Thanks for stopping by! The Devil, everyone!
The Devil: Alright!
Seth Meyers: Police in Toronto raided a pizza restaurant and found more than one million dollars in marijuana and other drugs. Im not a cop, but if you want to find even more marijuana… deliver the pizzas.
It was reported this week that Los Angeles County health officials discovered the bacteria that causes Legionnaires disease at the Playboy Mansion. [ sarcastically ] Oh, did they find a weird old-timey disease at that bastion of health and cleanliness? The home of the worlds oldest man and his stripper collection, its grounds crawling with weird zoo animals that you know arent being looked after by any kind of a zookeeper? Just a bunch of sick peacocks and gimpy llamas running around, using the badminton court as a toilet while a 19-year-old runaway in a bikini Googles what youre supposed do when a spider monkey has a cough? And they just found Legionnaires disease? Keep looking, county health officials, thats probably just the tip of the petri dish!
A new stomach pacemaker device has been developed that sends electrical signals to the stomach and brain to make a person feel full and help them lose weight. “Hey, Bill, why dont you take the stairs once in a while?” “Nah, better put a robot inside me! I think that would be easier, just a robot!” “No salad?” “Noooo, robot!”
Seth Meyers: Well, there’s a lot of news in the news this week. But here with the news he hears secondhand, is Secondhand News correspondent Anthony Crispino.
Anthony Crispino: Hey! Seth! How you doin’, man? It’s great to be BACK! Huh? [ points ] Hey, I like that tie! It’s a… Costco, right?
Seth Meyers: No. It’s not from Costco.
Anthony Crispino: Could’ve fooled me!
Seth Meyers: Oh, man…
Anthony Crispino: Alright.
Seth Meyers: So, Anthony, what have you heard, news-wise?
Anthony Crispino: Well, uh, first of all, uh — [ he glances past Seth’s shoulder, then behind his own, as Seth follows with amused bewilderment ] Did you hear about this, the Oscars, Seth?
Seth Meyers: Yeah.
Anthony Crispino: Best Picture… went to “Larry King’s Speech”. Yep! And, uh, Melissa Leo — she dropped the H-bomb!
Seth Meyers: Incorrect.
Anthony Crispino: Yeah! It’s true! Heard a lot of people. And, uh, Natalie Portman… won Best Actress. But you know who wasn’t too happy about it? Arkansas governor Huckleberry Hound. Yeah! You see, he was MAD because she made a baby out of dreadlocks. [ he glances around ]
Seth Meyers: No. No. He was mad because she had a baby out of wedlock.
Anthony Crispino: Uhhhh — either way, man, I loved her in her Oscar movie “Black Tron”, starring Todd Bridges.
Seth Meyers: No…
Anthony Crispino: [ he smacls the desktop ] GOOD MOVIE!! I love that guy!
Seth Meyers: Who told you that?
Anthony Crispino: Who told me that? My NEPHEW — Disaster Greg!
Seth Meyers: Well… I believe Disaster Greg was misinformed.
Anthony Crispino: No! No, no, no, Seth — he was mis…FORMED! That’s why he’s such a disaster! See, his eyes are where his ears are supposed to be — he’s a WEIRD looking dude, Seth!
Seth Meyers: Let’s just — let’s just move on.
Anthony Crispino: [ raising his hands in surrender ] Okay! Okay! So, uh — [ he glances past Seth’s shoulder, then past his own ] You hear about this, uh — [ he glances further past Seth’s shoulder, then past his own ] You hear about this situation in North Africa? There’s this wizard over there, causing all sorts of trouble — Gandolphi!
Seth Meyers: No! He’s not a wizard, and his name’s Gaddaffi.
Anthony Crispino: [ high-pitched ] I’m pretty sure —
Seth Meyers: No!
Anthony Crispino: [ high-pitched ] I’m pretty sure it’s —
Anthony Crispino: [ higher-pitched ] I’m pretty sure!
Seth Meyers: IT’S NOT!! No matter HOW high your voice gets!
Anthony Crispino: I coouldn’t hear that one, it ewas too high! But, you see, Seth, apparently this Gandolphi, he’s a real ladies man! You know? Because he calls himself, you know, The President of Labia! It’s true! It’s true!
Seth Meyers: I’m not even gonna touch that one.
Anthony Crispino: Oh, you’re not gonna touch labia, Seth? [ throws his hands up in surrender ] Okay! Okay! Alright! [ he glances past his shoulder, as Seth follws his gaze, then he glances inside his jacket ]
Seth Meyers: What about the big news story this week? Did you hear anything about Charlie Sheen?
Anthony Crispino: [ seriously ] No. What? What happened? Is he okay?
Seth Meyers: Oh, come on!
Anthony Crispino: Was he in the news? What happened?
Seth Meyers: You didn’t hear ANYTHING about Charlie Sheen?!
Anthony Crispino: No, no — I haven’t even heard of the guy.
Seth Meyers: Oh, come on!
Anthony Crispino: But, hey! Did you hear about this TV star whose show got cancelled because he went crazy and did a bunch of cocaine?! This Charlie Rose?
Seth Meyers: NO!! That was Charlie Sheen!
Anthony Crispino: Nah, I’m pretty sure it was Charlie Rose, Seth! They cancelled his show — “Two Men, a Girl, and Half a Pizza Place”! And now — NOW! — he’s been sending out messages via Twizzlers.
Seth Meyers: NO!!
Anthony Crispino: Yeah! Yeah, he sent out like a MILLION Twizzlers! There’s candy everywhere!
Seth Meyers: Who told you that?!
Anthony Crispino: Who told me that? Oh, it was this AWESOME guy named Charlie Sheen.
[ he glances around maniacally before wheeling his chair offscreen ]
Seth Meyers: A new parking garage has opened in Manhattan that is completely automated and has no parking attendants. So, everybody — come bring your cars to New Yorks first lawless rob-and-murder cave!
Apple CEO Steve Jobs, on Wednesday, unveiled the new iPad 2, which will have two cameras and be thinner and faster than the cuurent one. You know what Apple’s really good at? Making you feel bad about your Christmas present. We all just got the last one. I feel like Steve Jobs is the kind of guy who would introduce you to a hot girl the day after your wedding: “Hey, Jobs, Im married! But… what are her features?”
This week, a school in Michigan held its 6th annual Mom Prom, in which women are encouraged to wear old prom dresses or bridesmaid dresses for a charity dance. Just a side note: when I said the phrase “Mom Prom”, my penis went up inside me.
Heidi, the famous cross-eyed opossum in Germany, almost successfully picked all the top winners at the Oscars this year. But she incorrectly chose “127 Hours” to win for Best Picture. In Heidis defense, shes an animal who doesnt know what words are.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!
Robert Osborne…..Jason Sudeikis Captain Von Trapp…..Bill Hader Maria…..Kristen Wiig Liesl…..Miley Cyrus Friedrich…..Taran Killam Louisa…..Abby Elliott Richie Inez Jr…..Fred Armisen Kurt…..Bobby Moynihan Gretl…..Vanessa Bayer Brigitta…..Nasim Pedrad Rolfe…..Andy Samberg
Robert Osborne: Hello! Im Robert Osborne! And welcome to the Essentials where we take a behind the scenes look at Americas greatest films. Tonight: 1965s The Sound of Music. The film is filled with timeless characters and scenes. But tonight, we show you the moments you havent seen. The ones that ended up on the cutting room floor. Lets take a look.
Captain Von Trapp: Hello Maria! I expect my children to behave at all times. I am placing them in your command.
Maria: Oh, yes sir!
Captain Von Trapp: When I sound the whistle, they will step forward and say their name.
Liesl: Liesl.
Friedrich: Friedrich.
Louisa: Louisa.
Richie Inez Jr.: Hey, how you doing? My name’s Ricardo! But most people call me Richie. Except for my landlord — he just calls me late, you know!
Captain Von Trapp: Hold on, Maria! This is my adopted son, Richie.
Liesl: Richie didnt grow up in Austria, Fraulien.
Richie Inez Jr.: Oh no! I grew up in the hood! Ever hear of 125th street? Yeah, we used to call that downtown! The bus wouldnt even go to my neighborhood. The only bus was 15 chillas garbage trucks goin da. Dalalala.
Robert Osborne: Though not in the original script, the part of Richie was added by studio head Darryl Zanuck, as a vehicle for the 34 year old Hispanic comedian Richie Inez Jr. When director Robert Wise compained, Zanuck memorably quipped two machups, welcome to Hollywood! Lets take a look at another lost scene.
Liesl: (singing) “I am 16 going on 17, I know that Im naïve. Fellows I meet tell me Im sweet. And willingly I believe!”
Richie Inez Jr.: Liesl! Liesl! Liesl! Check it out! When I was 16, I lived in the projects! We didnt played hide and seek. We just played hide. I would hide behind the fridge. You would see a cockroach back there. Sshh! Thats hiding, too! And I would never hide behind the fridge on Larway.
Liesl: Right. Richie, can you keep a secret? Rolfe and I are in love. Isnt it wonderful?
Richie Inez Jr.: Oh! Yeah! Yeah! I know about love, man! Growing up on my block there was this girl named Juanita! She had long legs and one of those Dominican butts. Rolfe, you know what Im talking about?
Rolfe: Oh! I know!
Richie Inez Jr.: Hahaha! He knows! He knows what Im talking about.
Liesl: (singing) “I need someone older and wiser. Telling me what to do.”
Richie Inez Jr.: Liesl! Liesl! Liesl! Liesl! You single chica! Dont give up on that ok?
Robert Osborne: If you listen closely at the end of that scene, you can hear Julie Andrews say: “Youve got to be kidding me!” Richie Inez Jr. filmed for 7 weeks on location in Salzburg, Austria. Cast members said he spent most of that time pointing out things that he didnt have while growing up. Fun Fact: All of Richies lines were lifted from the 1964 comedy album Wanted: Dead or Hispanic. Lets take a look at one final scene.
Kids: (singing) “So long! Fare well! Ill leave and say goodnight!”
Friedrich/Louisa: We hate to go! And miss this pretty sight!
Kids: So long! Fare well! Ill leave and say Ado!
Liesl: Ado! Ado! To you and you and you!
Richie Inez Jr.: Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! One last thing, ok! Bring down the music! Kurt, hand me that microphone! Alright!!!!!! Now, a lot of you out there are afraid of the Germans. You know what I was afraid of when I was growing up? My grandma! She used to sleep with one eye open with a bat in her hand! You can think about breaking something! Wapa!!!! I didnt do anything wrong! You guys know what Im talking about!
Liesl: Wrap it up, Richie!!
Richie Inez Jr.: Okay, Im gonna wrap it up now! But every year on your birthday, shes gonna make you friend panties! You know that panties! Put a half stick of butter in there! And then she puts in the panties! Bsh!!!!!!! And that sound, to me, thats the sound of music, man!
Robert Osborne: Richie Inez Jr. went on to be cut out of several Hollywood classics! Including The Graduate. Star Wars. And Jaws. Where he famously said Were gonna need a bigger butt. For The Essentials, Im Robert Osborne!
apl.de.ap…..Kenan Thompson Taboo…..Andy Samberg Fergie…..Miley Cyrus Will.i.am…..Jay Khloe Kardashian…..Abby Elliott
Announcer: Your favorite members of the Black Eyed Peas present Our Time With Taboo and apl.de.ap! And now show some respect, its Taboo and apl.de.ap, y’all!
Taboo/Apl.de.ap: (singing) “Its out time! Our Time! Tonight it is! Tonight!”
Apl.de.ap: Yeah! Woo! Yeah! Yeah! Welcome to Our Time! Finally, our own show!
Taboo: Just like the people wanted!
Apl.de.ap: Okay! Let me start by introducing myself. My name is apl.de.ap and I am in the Black Eyed Peas!
Taboo: And I am Taboo, and I am also in The Black Eyed Peas!
Both: We are in the Black Eyed Peas!
Taboo: Here is a picture of us at the Super Bowl in our Tron oufits.
(show publicity photo)
Apl.de.ap: I am the one on the back right.
Taboo: And on the left, that is my hand.
Apl.de.ap: It is so great to finally have our own show where people can get to know us. Let us show you.
Taboo: Nice to meet you. Me-omo Taboo. I have my own line of jackets called 1,000 Pockets! And, also, despite the rumors, I am not a Japanese ghost.
Apl.de.ap: Im apl.de.ap. And I own a chain of unsuccessful neighborhood restaurants called Apl.de.apl.bees. Also
Both: We are in the Black Eyed Peas!
Taboo: But we are not here to talk about the group. This is about us. Not wil.i.am not Fergie -
Apl.de.ap: No! No! Dont say her name!
(Fergie and Will.i.am appear)
Fergie: (singing) “People in the place!!!!” (speaking) Did someone say my name?
Apl.de.ap: Uh! Hey Fergie, hey wil.i.am!
Fergie: We just wanted to see if you guys needed us.
Will.i.am: (singing) “Just helping out!!!”
Apl.de.ap/Taboo: No!! Were fine! Noo!!!!!!!
Fergie: Okay, sorry right! This is your show!
Will.i.am: (singing) “I got that boom boom boom!!!”
Apl.de.ap: Cmon man! Sorry, everone, for that interruption. Uh, lets bring out a guest. Shes the best Kardashian sister. Please welcome Khloe Kardashian!
Both: (singing) :Here we go! Our first guest! Is Khloe K.!”
Khloe Kardashian: Heyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apl.de.ap: Khloe! Wow! Thank you so much for being here! We know you are so busy!
Khloe Kardashian: Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Apl.de.ap: But bfore we begin, we are both in the Black Eyed Peas. Im apl.de.ap.
Khloe Kardashian: What kind of name is apl.de.ap?
Apl.de.ap: Well, you know how wil.i.am is a way of saying William? Apl.de.ap is a way of saying Apltoodlepip.
Taboo: And I am named after the board game Taboo.
Apl.de.ap: Now, Khloe, even though you are a big part of the Kardashian family, like us, sometimes you go unappreciated.
Khloe Kardashian: I know, its so literally unfair! What people need to realize that we Kardashians are all equally untalented.
Apl.de.ap: Also, like us, you are very diverse. You are Armenian and you are married to an African American!
Khloe Kardashian: Yeah, thats right! And you guys are well what race are you guys?
Apl.de.ap: Well Im a black Philipino, also known as a Philibleno.
Taboo: And I am from the Matrix!
Apl.de.ap: But, Khloe, this is your time. Why dont you take a minute and tell us something we dont know about you.
Khloe Kardashian: Im Khloe. I have a new fragrance out. I can pull a twenty-pound truck using only my teeth. And my favorite Black Eyed Pea is Fergie!
Taboo/Apl.de.ap: No! No! Dont say her name!
(Fergie and Will.i.am appear)
Fergie: (singing) People in the place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Will.i.am: Gotta get that!
Fergie: Just wanted to see if you guys needed us?
Taboo: You already did that!
Fergie: Ok Im sorry! (singing) Bye!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apl.de.ap: Oh, man! Khloe, Im so sorry about that!
Khloe Kardashian: No! That was awesome, I got to see that Black Eyed Peas!
Taboo/Apl.de.ap: But were the Black Eyed Peas man!
Taboo: We are interesting people!
Apl.de.ap: Absolutely! Taboo was on the cover of this month’s Vaguely Asian magazine! Alright! Well, Khloe, you have been so 3,008 today… would you like to sing with us?
Khloe Kardashian: Well, Ive never sung before!
Taboo/Apl.de.ap: Neither have we! Here we go!
All: (singing) “I can feel it! This has been out time!! With Taboo! And Apl.de.ap!!!!! No! Go!!!! Cmon man!!!”
Francois…..Taran Killam Marius…..Paul Brittain French Guy…..Bobby Moynihan Francois’ Girlfriend…..Miley Cyrus French Girl #1…..Nasim Pedrad French Girl #2…..Abby Elliott Mime…..Andy Samberg
[ open on France 3 graphic, with female voiceover ]
[ cut to opening credits: Metro station, skaters, the Eiffel Tower, etc. ]
[ dissolve to Parisian club, as French Girl #1 stands in the center of the room ]
[ Francois and his buddies stand by the jukebox, laughing amongst themselves ]
[ Francois sees French Girl #1 and points her out to his approving buddies ]
[ Francois saunters over, speaks a pick-up line, then engages in some heavy lip action with French Girl #1 ]
[ suddenly, Girl enters the club ]
Francois’ Girlfriend: Francois!
[ she yells at Francois, who clumsily tries to make excuses, until: ]
Francois: Marius!
[ Marius thumps the jukebox, which begins to play “Tekitoi” by Rachid Taha ]
[ Francois holds his hands together and thrusts them between both girls, until all three begin to dance wildly at the center of the room ]
[ Francois holds out a long-stemmed rose to French Girl #1, who crumples it in her hands ]
[ Francois holds out a long-stemmed rose to the Girl, who takes a bite and chews the rose in her mouth ]
[ the entire room begins to dance wildly ]
[ Marius hands two glasses of wine to Francois, who hands one to each girl ]
[ both girls start to sip their glass of wine, then toss it in Francois’ face ]
[ everyone continues to dance wildy, as Francois dances off-frame ]
[ the two girls move closer to one another, ready to put up their dukes ]
[ Francois arises between them and tries to encourage them to fight, but they gang up on him instead ]
[ everyone continues to dance wildy again ]
[ the girls once again holds up their dukes to one another, ready for a fight ]
[ Francois arises between them again, and shoves a crepe into his mouth as the song hits a high note ]
[ Francois and the two girls dance in a ring-around-the-rosie motion, as Marius circles them ]
[ Francois’ girlfriend puts some dance moves on Marius ]
[ Francois reaches for a mime and puts some inappropriate dance moves on him ]
[ disgusted, the Mime mimes pouring water into a glass, tosses it into Francois’ face, then tugs his way out of the room across an invisible rope ]
[ French guy steps forward with a camera and flashes pictures of Francois and his gilfriend, who pose between arguing at one another ]
[ easels are placed before Francois and his girlfriend ]
[ she quickly paints a country setting ]
[ Francois quickly paints a topless man sitting on a large poodle ]
[ the two girls hold out their fists at Francois as they all perform a short dance step ]
[ two chairs are placed in the center of the room, as Francois and his girlfriend each take a seat and grab a book to read ]
[ Francois’ girlfriend reads from Camus, then reaches over to pull a Playboy Magazine from between the pages of his book and reveal her shock ]
[ Francois reaches inside the Playboy Magazine and pulls out a glass of wine, which he tosses into his own face ]
[ the chairs are pulled away, as Francois begins dancing with both girls ]
[ as the girls dance, Francois rips off his pants to reveal a red skirt, then he crosses his arms and grabs hands with each girl and continues to dance with them ]
[ a scuba diver performs a flip, then performs a split and holds up his arms at the same time as everyone else in the room ]
[ the Mime jumps in and holds his arms up with everyone else ]
Air Date:
Summary: Frantic “The View” fan (Zach Galifianakis) is dissapointed to be stuck in the audience of insipid knock-off during his birthday.
Summary: A group of hacky comedians whose routines consist of one semi-amusing catchphrase are now on tour together.
Summary: Hardcore inmates Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and Creepy Guy (Zach Galifianakis) try to scare another trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight.
Summary: In “Zach Looks for a New Assistant”, Zach Galifianakis interviews mature children for the oafish position.
Summary: Julie Taymor (Kristen Wiig) comments about her dismissal as director of Broadway’s “Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark”. Liam the Teenager Who Just Woke Up (Andy Samberg) comments about fluctuating oil prices as it pertains to his weird dreams.
Summary: Mom (Kristen Wiig) and Dad (Zach Galifianakis) try to find a gentle way to tell their kids (Nasim Pedrad, Bobby Moynihan, Abby Elliott) that the family dog died from autoerotic asphyxiation.
Summary: Kind-hearted Canadian gossips (Kristen Wiig, Fred Armisen) have only nice things to say about American celebrities.
Summary: Ignoring the lives of the passengers he endangered, the Titanic’s Captain (Zach Galifianakis) disguises himself as a woman and sneaks aboard a life boat headed for shore.
