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  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Behind The Music: The Super Bowl Shuffle

Written by: Rich Talarico

Jim McMahon….Tom Brady
William “The Refrigerator” Perry….Kenan Thompson
Willie Gault….Finesse Mitchell
Mike Ditka….Horatio Sanz
Bear Teammate….Rob Riggle
Cowbell Bear Teammate….Jason Sudeikis
Announcer….Darrell Hammond
Steve Fuller (#4)…..Joe Kelly
Off Camera Interviewer….Chris Parnell

[Opens with montage of photos. Mike Ditka beingcarried up in arms by his team, the Chicago Bears.Photos of football players in action]

Announcer: The 1985 Chicago Bears were one of the bestteams in football history with an impressive 15-1record. But off the field something else wasbrewing—their music.

[VH-1 Behind the Music Montage and Logo. The Super Bowl Shuffle]

[The whole Chicago Bears football team is dressed upin their football jerseys. Up front is Jim McMahonwith his dark sunglasses and white bandanna,by hisside is William “The Refrigerator” Perry and Willie Gault]

All: [rapping]We are the Bears shuffling crew/shuffleon down/doing it for you/We’re so bad/You know we’regood/Blow your mind/like we knew we could/We just herestrutting for fun/strutting our stuff foreveryone/we’re not here to start no trouble/we’re justhere doing the Super Bowl Shuffle.

[Map of Chicago]

Announcer: The Super Bowl Shuffle was one of the mostpopular songs ever recorded by a professional sportsteam in the Chicago area. The shuffling crew hadskyrocketed to the top of the charts. [Billboard Chartshows The Super Bowl Shuffle at number one, beatingout Lionel Richie’s “Say you, say me”, BruceSpringsteen’s “Glory Days”, Paul Young’s “Every timeyou go away”]. Overnight the Chicago Bears went frombeing famous to being famous for a completelydifferent reason. Bears Quarterback Jim McMahon.

Caption: Jim McMahon Quarterback/Vocals

[Cut to Jim talking in a recording studio, sunglasses,bandanna, number 9 jersey]

Jim McMahon: See, you got to remember, this was 1985.And nobody — and I mean nobody — was doing rap back then.

Off Camera Interviewer: What about the Sugar Hillgang? Grandmaster Flash? Run DMC?

Jim McMahon: Hey, hey, hey. Stop correcting me everytime I say something wrong. Cause if you do that we’re gonna be here forever.

Announcer: Defensive tackle, William “The Refrigerator” Perry.

Caption: Defensive tackle/Vocals William “The Refrigerator” Perry.

[Perry is in his Subway restaurant uniform, behind thecounter making a sandwich]

William “The Refrigerator” Perry: Man, when we wrote”Shuffle” the planets aligned.[to an off cameracustomer]White or wheat, boss? Ok. The music flowedfrom us like a fountain. [to his off cameracustomer]Onions? Pickles? Ok. We surrendered ourindividuality and became one with the music. I mean,we were gods.[to his off camera customer]Chips and adrink? Make that a meal? Ok.

Announcer: Wide receiver, Willie Gault.[He’s chillin’ in a sofa]

Caption: Wide Receiver/Vocals Willie Gault

Willie Gault: Well, you know, we weren’t your typicalband. I mean, come on, we had one guitar, onesaxophone, a cowbell, a conga drum and 27 vocalists.12 of them couldn’t sing and 5 out of the 12 couldn’teven read. But somehow we made it all work.

Announcer: Coach Mike Ditka.

Caption: Mike Ditka Bears Coach 1982-1992

[He’s in a Sports Bar, beer in front of him]

Mike Ditka: 1985. Well, that’s going back a long way.The Chicago Bears played great football. Let me tellya’, they made some great music, that was 20 yearsago. Now, I got a little older, certain parts don’twork you know, like they used to. So, you got to takesome pills to make them work. That’s why I useLevitra.[holds up a little packet] Levitra, the onlymale erectile disfunction that I use—

Off Camera Interviewer: I’m sorry, Coach. This isn’t a Levitra ad.

Mike Ditka: [surprised] Why do I have a boner?

[Shot of an empty football field]

Announcer: The Bears blew off training camp to getback to the studio.[Shot of Jim and Willie writing inthe recording studio, Perry is opening a Coke.] Thepressure to write a follow-up single was overwhelmingand a few months later The Shuffling Crew released”The Stay in School Shuffle”.

[Shot of Jim, Perry and Willie with headphones singinginto microphones in the recording studio]

[Shot of a tape. The Shuffling Crew. “The Stay in School Shuffle”]

[All the team wears graduation hats, guy with cowbelland glasses is more prominent now]

All: [rapping]We are the Bears/ shuffling through/shuffling down/doing it for you/ we’re so bad/ youknow we’re good/ blow your mind like we knew wecould/you know we’re just here strutting our stuff/strutting our stuff for everyone/we’re not here tostart no trouble/ we’re just here doing The Stay inSchool Shuffle.

[Billboard Chart shows “The Stay in School Shuffle”low numbers. It is between Taco’s “Puttin on theRitz’s(part 2)” and Eddie Murphy’s “Party All The Time”]

Announcer: Although a critical success “The Stay inSchool Shuffle” was a commercial disappointment andnever reached higher than 288 on the Billboard Charts.The night life and parties of the rock starsBears[Jim, Perry and Willie drink champagne in adisco]was in direct competition with the disciplinedathlete Bears.[Jim, Perry, Willie and others partywith Pee-Wee Herman and have their picture taken withPunky Brewster]On and off the field things werefalling apart. Then, they hit rock bottom.[ Jim, Perryand Co. have their picture taken with Corey Feldmanand Mr.T]

[Cut to Jim]

Jim McMahon: It was a Sunday, November 27th. We had abig game against The Vikings. We were down 42 to 3 andwe went out to perform “The Stay in School Shuffle” aspart of our own half-time show. People were throwingbrats at us and for a Chicago dude to give up thesausage? You know its bad.[cries]I’m sorry. I need aminute.

Announcer: But then amazingly, to everyone’s surpriseJim McMahon had broken through rock bottom to an evenlower rock bottom, a subterranean trench, a personaland professional abyss[Jim takes off his sunglassesonly to reveal another pair of sunglassesunderneath]when he put out his own solo song “The SayNo To Drugs Shuffle”.

[Tape of The Chicago Bears Shuffling Crew. “The Say Noto Drugs Shuffle”.]

[Jim is all alone with the cowbell guy. Cowbell guydances with great enthusiasm]

Jim McMahon:[rapping]I am the Bears Shuffling Guy/shuffling down/ don’t ask me why/ I’m so bad/you knowI’m good/ Blowin’ your mind like you know I would/ youknow I’m just strutting for fun/ strutting my stufffor everyone/ I’m not here to cause no trouble/ I’mjust here to do “The Say No To Drugs Shuffle”!

[Jim and the cowbell guy are back to back, cowbell guypoints his stick to the camera]

[Photos of Jim, Perry and Willie]

Announcer: Jim McMahon and the rest of The ShufflingCrew left music after their brief 2 year career. TheBears would never return to The Super Bowl nor theGrammy’s but we’ll always have the videotapes of TheSuper Bowl Shuffle.

[VH-1 Behind The Music logo. The Super Bowl Shuffle]

[cheers and applause]

[scene fades]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Beck performs “Girl”

…..Tom Brady
…..Beck

Tom Brady: Once again – Beck.

Beck:
“I saw her, yeah I saw her
With a black tongue tied round the roses
A fist pounding on a vending machine
Toy diamond ring stuck on her finger
With a noose, she could hang from the sun
And point it out with the dark sunglasses
Walking crooked down the beach
She spits on the sand where their bones are bleaching.

And now I’m gonna steal her eye
She doesn’t even know what’s wrong
And now I’m gonna make her die
Take her where her soul belongs
And now I’m gonna steal her eye
Nothing that I wouldn’t try

My sun-eyed girl, my sun-eyed girl
My sun-eyed girl, my sun-eyed girl

I saw her, yea I saw her
With her hands tied back, her rags are burnin’
Calling out from a landfilled life
Scrawlin’ her name on the ceiling
Throw a coin in the fountain of dust
White noise, her ears are ringing
Got a ticket for my midnight hanging
Throw a bullet from a freight train leaving.

Now I’m gonna steal her eye
She doesn’t even know what’s wrong
Now I’m gonna make her die
Take her where her soul belongs
Know I’m gonna steal her eye
Nothing that I wouldn’t try.

My sun-eyed girl, my sun-eyed girl
My sun-eyed girl, my sun-eyed girl

[ break ]

My sun-eyed girl, my sun-eyed girl
My sun-eyed girl, my sun-eyed girl
My sun-eyed girl, my sun-eyed girl
My sun-eyed girl, my sun-eyed girl
My sun-eyed girl, my sun-eyed girl.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Beck performs “E-Pro”

…..Tom Brady
…..Beck

Tom Brady: Ladies and gentlemen – Beck.

Beck:
“See me comin’ to town with my soul
Straight down out of the world with my fingers
Holding onto the devil I know
All my troubles’ll hang on your trigger
Take your eyes and your mind from the road
Shoot your mouth off but look where you’re aiming
Don’t forget to pick up what you sow
Talking trash to the garbage around you.

Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na!

See me kickin’ the door with my boots
Broke down out in a ditch of old rubbish
Snakes and bones in the back of your room
Handing out a confection of venom
Heaven’s drunk from the poison you use
Charm the wolves with the eyes of a gambler
Now I see it’s a comfort to you
Hammer my bones on the anvil of daylight.

Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na!

I won’t give up that ghost
It’s sick the way these tongues are twisted
The good in us is all we know
There’s too much left to taste that’s bitter.
I won’t give up that ghost
It’s sick the way these tongues are twisted
The good in us is all we know
There’s too much left to taste that’s bitter.

Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na!

[ break ]

Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Goodnights

…..Tom Brady

Tom Brady: Thank you, to Beck.. and Martin Short.. and this wonderful cast and crew. Have a good night!

[ a woman holds a baby as she stands next to Beck, who has fun playing with the baby. The camera pulls back to reveal Chris Parnell holding a sign that’s too far away to be read by the home audience. ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

TV Funhouse

Written by: Rob Smigel

Frank…..Fred Armisen
Greg…..Tom Brady
Lisa…..Amy Poehler
Tina…..Tina Fey

[ bumper of Tom Brady is ripped apart by a cartoon dog, who is in turned chased by a cartoon Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Come back here with my show!

[ dissolve to “General Electric Films” logo ]

Announcer: General Electric Films presents.. “Sexual Harassment and You”, a handy guide to workplace etiquette.

[ dissolve to old-time video footage of three men standing around an office ]

Announcer: Back in the old days, a workplace was a man’s domain.

[ the man in the middle dissolves into a woman ]

Announcer: Today, life is not as simple.

[ show various women working around the office ]

Announcer: Businesses are filled with working women, with corresponding breasts and vaginas.

[ show Frank looking about the room with an uneasy look on his face ]

Announcer: As a man, you want to have sex with all of them. [ Frank’s gaze even falls upon an older-looking woman ] But approaching a woman at work should be done with extreme caution.. [ various women cross in front of Frank’s desk from both sides ] ..to avoid a sexual harassment lawsuit.

[ Music sting, as a piece of paper marked “Lawsuit” is held before the camera ]

[ cut to Lisa’s desk, as Frank cautiously approaches from the rear ]

Announcer: Here’s the wrong way to approach a female co-worker.

Frank: [ showing his nervous enthusiasm ] Hey, Lisa! You look pretty hot today. Maybe we should have lunch sometime.

[ Lisa is silent, perhaps caught off guard, but, after a beat, picks up her phone and dials an authority figure ]

Announcer: Uh-oh! That didn’t go over well.

[ Frank is petrified at Lisa’s response, as he envisions the piece of paper marked “Lawsuit” being held before him ]

Announcer: Hello, Lawsuit.

[ cut to the same scene as before, only now with the confident and assured Greg approaching Lisa ]

Announcer: Now, here’s the right way:

Greg: Hey, Lisa. You look pretty hot today. Maybe we should have lunch sometime.

Lisa: [ caught off guard, but pleased ] Oh. Well, great.

Greg: How about tomorrow?

Lisa: Okay!

Greg: Great! See you then! [ squeezes Lisa’s left breast before he exits ]

Announcer: Well done! Okay, let’s review.

[ show close-up of nervous Frank making his pitch ]

Announcer: Frank was awkward, and a little too pushy.

[ dissolve to close-up of confident Frank making his pitch ]

Announcer: Greg was handsome.

[ cut to Frank staring at Tina from a distance ]

Announcer: Let’s see if Frank can do better with another co-worker.

[ Greg approaches more cautiously than before, keeping a distance of about five feet behind Tina ]

Greg: Hi.

[ Tina turns to look, rebuffing at the sight of Greg, then picks up the phone to dial security ]

Announcer: The eye contact makes her uncomfortable, and authorities are contacted.

[ a security guard arrives at the scene and hauls Greg away ]

Announcer: Here’s what he should have done:

[ scene wipes back to its start, with Greg approaching Tina while not wearing pants. Sensitive to Greg’s presence, she turns around and smiles. ]

Tina: Hey, Greg! Want to have lunch sometime?

Greg: Sure! How about tomorrow?

Tina: Okay. Here’s my home number. [ hands her number to Greg ]

Greg: Great! [ deposits Tina’s number in the bulge of his underwear, then exits ]

Announcer: See? It can be done. You can have sex with women at work without losing your job, by following a few simple rules:

[ the rules are displayed on-screen with accompanying check marks ]

Be Handsome..

Be Attractive..

and Don’t Be Unattractive.

[ dissolve to Frank, Greg, Lisa and Tina waving to the camera ]

[ dissolve to end card: “Sexual Harassment and You, The End” ]

[ fade to credits ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Tom Brady’s Falafel City

….Tom Brady
Dennis DeYoung….Horatio Sanz
Genie Singer 1….Amy Poehler
Genie Singer 2….Seth Meyers
Genie Singer 3….Maya Rudolph
Genie Singer 4….Kenan Thompson

[Opens with Tom Brady dressed as a middle easternsultan with a turban, black vest, red belt, orangepants]

Tom Brady: Sim, Sim, Saladin, folks! I’m Tom Brady andever since I was a kid I’ve had one dream and onedream only–to open up a restaurant selling highquality middle eastern cuisine at discount prices.Sure, winning all those Super Bowls was fine but takeit from me, nothing compares to serving up a lambkabob platter with all the fixings for just $4.59.[Tom is given a plate, he smells it]Mmmm-mmm.[givesplate back]So, what do you got to lose? Come on downto Tom Brady’s Falafel City.

[4 singers dressed as genies appear in front of Tom.They sing and dance while he’s in middle dancinghappily]

All:[sing] Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba ganush! Ba, ba, ba, ba,ba ganush! ba, ba, ba,ba, ba ganush! Ba,ba,ba ba, baganush!

Singer:[sing] At Tom Brady’s Falafel City, yeah TomBrady’s Falafel City!

All:[sing] So grab yourself a pita, fill it full ofmeat at Falafel City, ba,ba Tom Brady Falafel City!

[Singers leave]

Tom Brady: I’ll be honest with you folks. I was sickand tired of people coming up and asking me “Hey, Tom.Where I can get a good falafel sandwich in the southplain field New Jersey area?” So sick and tired that Iconverted an old veterinarian’s office into northcentral New Jersey’s finest low-cost, high volume,middle eastern eatery. How about a juicy shawarmasandwich just for $2.59?

[Tom is given the sandwich. He smells it, is kind ofdisgusted, throws it back]

[The 4 genie singers appear]

All:[sing]Ba,ba,ba,ba,ba ganush! Ba,ba,ba,ba,baganush! Ba,ba,ba,ba,ba ganush!

Singer 1:[sing] At Tom Brady Falafel City!

All:[sing]We’ll get you feeling awful, grab yourself afalafel, at Falafel City, ba,ba Tom Brady FalafelCity!

[Genie singers leave]

Tom Brady:[holds curved knives] Tom Brady Falafel Cityis without a doubt one of the top 5 NFL quarterbackowned and operated middle eastern restaurants in allof the south plain field area. Don’t believe me? Justask my occasional tennis doubles partner former Styxfront man Dennis De Young.

[Dennis appears, does a lame robot]

Dennis De Young: Domo Arigato Mr. Tom Brady! Hey! I’mDennis De Young. Tom Brady has the best middle easternfood around. Not that I’d know anything about that.No, crippling food allergies prevent me from goinganywhere near middle eastern foods of any kind. Justthe smell of hummus can cause to break out in weepingsores all up and down my thighs. Trust me it can getpretty gruesome. But I’m not alone. Thousands ofAmericans are battling debilitating food allergiesdaily. That’s why Tom Brady generously agreed todonate 50 cents of every dollar to “The Dennis DeYoung House”. A charity I started to help me build ahouse.

Tom Brady: I didn’t agree to anything.

[Apparently Tom skipped his lines]

Dennis De Young: So I can live in it. All right, let’sdo this.[Horatio looks up to Tom. Cracks up]

Tom Brady: I did not. That was not the house.[cracks up]

Dennis De Young: All right. Maybe you didn’t. Aahhhbut that’s great.[cracking up] All right, we’ll seeyou next Saturday, we got an 8:00 court time, right?

Tom Brady: Yup.

Dennis De Young:[sings] You’re Tom Bra-a-ady!!! Yousell discount falafels!!! [laughs]

Tom Brady: So next time you see yourself in the southplain field New Jersey area go to Tom Brady FalafelCity! Open Says-a-,me!

[Genie singers appear]

All:[sing] There’s no burgers, fries or weenies justtabbouleh and tahini, Falafel City ba,ba Tom BradyFalafel City!

[Map to Tom Brady’s Falafel City]

Announcer: Tom Brady Falafel City off route 14 in thestrip mall behind Derek Jeter’s Taco Hole. Rightbetween Donald Trump’s House of Wings and AlSharpton’s Casa de Sushi. Al Sharpton’s Casa deSushi—now serving Thai food.

[cheers and applause]

[scene fades]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil….Darrell Hammond
Ken….Tom Brady
Jamie….Rachel Dratch
Buddy….Rob Riggle
Gary….Seth Meyers
Vanessa….Amy Poehler

[Opens with Dr. Phil’s logo. Music theme. Cuts to Dr. Phil in a suit, balding head, moustache, sitting in his TV show studio]

Dr. Phil: [southern accent] Welcome back. Today, we’re talking about emotional intelligence. Some men just don’t have it. Our next couple is Jamie and Ken. Jamie says Ken is not responding to her emotional needs. And for her last birthday Ken gave her a coupon for 10 free car washes. [audience oooh’s] And Jamie doesn’t even have a car.[audience oooh’s] And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Take a look.

[Hidden video streaming from Jamie and Ken’s home]

Jamie: Dr. Phil, my husband just doesn’t get it.

[Hidden video from the home’s kitchen. Dogs barking, kids yelling. Ken walks in with groceries and puts them down. The conversations show up in caption at the bottom of the screen]

Ken: Hi, honey.

Jamie: Hi.

Ken: I’ve got a really special evening planned for us.

Jamie: Really?

Ken: All my buddies are here to play poker, for you!

[Guys cheering come into the kitchen with beer, one thumps his chest with Ken]

Jamie: He means well but it just comes out all wrong.

[Cut to more hidden video of Jamie modeling a pair of pants to Ken. Ken eats a sandwich]

Jamie: Honey, does this pants make me look fat?

Ken: Yes, they do.

Jamie: He never picks up on my signals.

[Cut to more hidden video. Ken reads magazine on his couch. Jamie gets seductively close to Ken]

Jamie: Hey, the kids are at a sleepover’s tonight. We have the whole house for ourselves.

Ken: That’s great! I’m going to go smoke cigarettes and watch “Porky’s”![leaves]

[Cut to more hidden video of Jamie sobbing in her couch]

Ken: Are you crying or laughing?

Jamie: I’m crying.

Ken: Oh, cause it sounded like you were laughing. I thought you were watching Leno or something. Have a good one.[leaves]

[Jamie’s drops on the couch sobbing hysterically]

Jamie: Help me, Dr.Phil. You’re my only hope.

[Cut to the TV studio. Ken and Jamie sit next to Dr. Phil]

Dr. Phil: Ken, Jamie, welcome.

Ken: Hi.

Jamie: Hi.

Dr. Phil: Ken, when it comes to understanding your wife and her emotional needs you are about a buck short of a dollar.

Ken: Yes, sir.

Dr. Phil: I, I meant–do y’all understand that the two of you are not on the same page? I mean, can we agree that she’s ordering coffee and you’re giving her pea-soup?

Ken: Yes, sir.

Dr. Phil: She wants you to pick the kids up at soccer and you respond by building a doghouse with a slide on it. Does that seem weird?

Ken: Yes, sir.

Dr. Phil: Well, it should. Because she’s over here setting up a lemonade stand and you’re strapping on hockey gear getting ready to shoot a sandwich outta the sky!

Ken: I agree.

Dr. Phil: Don’t agree with that, Ken. That was gibberish. I was testing you. Now, Ken I want you to look Jamie in the eyes and give her 3 compliments.

Ken: Ok, sure.[turns to Jamie] Umm, number one–you are my wife. Number two–your sweater is pretty. This is hard. How many do I got?

Dr. Phil: One more, buddy.

Ken: Ok, uh, number three—I like your boobs. Yes! I did it![looks for a high-five,she high-fives him reluctantly]

Dr. Phil: Ken.[long pause]Do you know what you remind me of? Did you ever have a dog and you point to where you want that dog to go and all that dog does is look at your finger? I mean, basically I’m pointing out the problems and you’re looking at my finger.

Ken: You’re right. You got me. I do have a dog.

Dr. Phil: Good Lord. Ken, how far you push your Q-tips when you clean your ears? Did you ever touch brain?

Ken: No, sir.

Dr. Phil: I didn’t think so. Because she’s giving you the international sign for choking and you’re trying to make shadow puppets in a dark room wearing a tuxedo t-shirt humming the theme from “Arthur”.

Ken: I understand.

Dr. Phil: You can’t possibly understand cause it didn’t make any sense! Stay alert, Ken. Some of these are traps. Now, I’m going to ask Jamie to show you a range of emotions and I want you to identify them for me.[gives Jamie some index cards]

Ken: Ok, ok.

[Jamie makes a sad face]

Ken: Happy.

[Jamie makes an angry face]

Ken: Happy.

[Jamie makes a frightened face]

Ken: Pooping! I nailed it![looks for a high-five]

Jamie: Ken![reluctantly high-fives Ken]

Dr. Phil: Ken, do you want to work this out? Or, do you want your wife to get fed up and leave you?

Ken: Is these one of those traps?

Dr. Phil: No. Ken, I want you to look in Jamie’s eyes and tell her “I love you”.

Ken: Ok.[looks into Jamie’s eyes] Dr. Phil loves me!

[Slap!]

[Dr. Phil slaps Ken in the face]

Dr. Phil: Yes! Looking good! When we come back, we’ll talk to Gary and Vanessa who say they haven’t had sex since their son was born.

[Cuts to Gary and Vanessa in the audience with their 12 year old son. All with miserable look in their faces]

[Dr. Phil’s logo. Theme music]

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

A Message From Congressman Tom Delay

Tom Delay…..Chris Parnell

[ open on U.S. House of Representatives seal ]

Announcer: The following is a message from Congressman Tom Delay.

[ dissolve to Tom Delay seated at desk ]

Tom Delay: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I’m Tom Delay, representative from the 22nd District of Texas, and Majority Leader of the U.S. House of Representatives.

For the last several weeks, I have been the target of a smear campaign by the Democratic Party and the right-wing media. Falsely charged with ethical improprieties and threatened with frivilous indictments for non-existent offenses. And, why? Partly, because I did all the things they accused me of. But, mostly, because my critics can’t stand the fact that I’m a strong, conservative voice in Congress, and an effective leader of my party.

You see, with our slim majority, it’s not always easy to get legislation through the House. That’s where I come from. As Majority Leader, I’m the guy who makes sure that each and every Republican backs the President’s agenda. Even if he disagrees with part of it, even if it’s politically dangerous. In nailing down their vote, I try to use the carrot. But, if necessary, I don’t hesitate to use the stick.

Now, do I always succeed? No. Sometimes a member from a moderate, or a swing district, will be afraid to support the President on a certain issue.

For example, Congressman Bob McKibben of Ohio.

[ cut to stock footage of a car exploding, with SUPER: “Rep. Bob McKibben, (R-OH)” ]

Tom Delay: Others might vote against us because an administration proposal will hurt an important industry in their district. Like Dale Givens of Oklahoma.

[ cut to stock footage of a man crashing through an interior window, with SUPER: “Rep. Dale Givens, (R-OK)” ]

Tom Delay: And, sometimes, one of our people won’t vote with us, not because he’s angry with the President, or because it’s risky politically, but simply because the man sincerely believes a piece of legislation is bad punblic policy. And, though they may frustrate me, such people always have my respect. People like Congressman Hastings Dodge of Arizona.

[ cut to stock footage of a car careening over a cliff and exploding upon ground impact, with SUPER: “Rep. Hastings Dodge, (R-AZ)” ]

Tom Delay: So, on any given vote, we may lose a few members here and there. But, since I’ve been Majority Leader, we’ve never failed to pass a bill. Although, we almsot had a tie once, when one of our members threatened to abstain.

[ cut to stock footage of a man in flames stumbling about the exterior of a log cabin, with SUPER: “Rep. Jim Flower, (R-GA)” ]

Tom Delay: But even Jim came around in the end. You see, although my manner might be brusque, and my tactics aren’t always.. [ makes quotes signs ] “popular,” I get the job done. And that’s why they’re out to get me. So, remember, if you should come across one of those vicious anti-Delay pieces by David Stratten in the Wahington Post —

[ cut to stock footage of a man falling from the roof of a tall building, with SUPER: “David Stratten, Reporter-Washington Post” ]

Tom Delay: Or, worse – the series about me in the L.A. Times by Allison Waller and Joe Levin —

[ cut to stock footage of a two people bursting through an exterior window, as an explosion detonates behind them, with SUPER: “Allison Waller & Joe Levin, Reporters-Los Angeles Times” ]

Tom Delay: — you know their real agenda. And, needless to say, don’t even bother reading the Miami Herald.

[ cut to stock footage of a building collapsing, with SUPER: “Offices of Miami Herald (Simulation)” ]

Tom Delay: Now that you know the facts, I hope I can count on your support. Thank you. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:
April 16th, 2005

Tom Brady

Beck

None

Martin Short

John Lutz

JB Smoove

Jason Sudeikis
A Message From Congressman Tom DelaySummary: Majority Leader Tom Delay (Chris Parnell) explains how he’ll use any means necessary — including cinematic violence — to ensure full backing on the President’s agenda.

Transcript

Tom Brady’s MonologueSummary: Even though cast members Rachel Dratch, Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson, Seth Meyers, Finesse Mitchell and Amy Poehler attempt to stop him, Tom Brady performs a musical number to show off the diversity of his talents.

Bio: Tom Brady (1977-). Athlete; quarterback for the New England Patriots; the youngest starting quarterback ever to win the Super Bowl, twice as its most valuable player; together, Brady and the Patriots have won three Super Bowls since 2002.

Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner JuiceSummary: The potent juice can keep a man sexually-active for up to four hours.

Note: Repeat from 10/02/04.

TouchdownSummary: While at the carnival, Alan (Tom Brady) is obsessed with throwing a football into a hole and winning a teddy bear for his wife (Maya Rudolph). Naturally, everyone else — from a gay couple (Seth Meyers, Fred Armisen) to an arthritic old lady (Amy Poehler) in a wheelchair — can do it with one throw.

Transcript

Dr. PhilSummary: The topic is Emotional Intelligence, as Dr. Phil (Darrell Hammond) interviews married couple Jamie (Rachel Dratch) and Ken (Tom Brady). Ken’s cluelessness in identifying Jamie’s feelings ultimately baffles Dr. Phil.

Recurring Characters: Dr. Phil.

Transcript

The FalconerSummary: The Falconer (Will Forte) is arguing with Donald about whose fate is rougher, since Donald can eat all his favorite treats in the woods but The Falconer doesn’t have access to Snickers bars. A bolt of lightning causes them to switch bodies. Now in Donald’s body, The Falconer desperately searches for the antidote, especially when a drifter (Tom Brady) passes through the woods with a backpack full of Snickers he has no use for.

Recurring Characters: The Falconer, Donald.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Hilary Swank and Cameron Diaz.

TV FunhouseSummary: Rog Smigel’s live-action film for General Electric, “Sexual Harassment And You”, demonstrates that female employees Lisa (Amy Poehler) and Tina (Tina Fey) will accept physical advancements from handsome co-worker Greg (Tom Brady) over unattractive co-worker Frank (Fred Armisen).

Transcript

Tom Brady’s Falafel CitySummary: Tom Brady joins the ranks of Derek Jeter, Al Sharpton, and Donald Trump by opening his own themed restaurant franchise and becoming an executive MBA in the New Jersey area.

Recurring Characters: Dennis DeYoung.

Transcript

Beck performs “E-Pro”Note: Beck becomes a five-time musical guest tonight.

First Performed: 96j.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Celebrity interviewer Jiminy Glick (Martin Short) announces the latest volume of his Best Of DVD set, which scrapes the bottom of the barrel of his many interviews and features an excerpt of his 1975 interview with SNL’s producer, Lorne Michaels (Will Forte).

Transcript

KaitlinSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) is excited to be a member of her Uncle Scott’s (Tom Brady) wedding party, until Uncle confides to Rick (Horatio Sanz) that’s he having second thoughts about giving up the single life.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.

Behind The Music: The Super Bowl ShuffleSummary: VH-1 takes a look back at the 1985 Chicago Bears, who found extra fame as a one-hit wonder rap group who couldn’t duplicate its success.

Transcript

Beck performs “Girl”Lyrics

The Oak RoomSummary: Alcoholic Miss Charli Coffee (Maya Rudolph) experiences pratfalls while performing awkwardly onstage.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the episodes hosted by Queen Latifah.

Why Brady?Summary: While wandering backstage, Tom Brady runs into Peyton Manning (Seth Meyers) and Donovan McNabb (Finesse Mitchell) and his mother (Kenan Thompson), who would all like to know why Tom was chosen to host SNL over the other two football stars.

Recurring Characters: Donovan McNabb, Donovan McNabb’s Mother.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Jasper the Parrot IISummary: Phoebe (Rachel Dratch) and her giant parrot, Jasper (Fred Armisen), invite a date (Tom Brady) and his giant pigeon (Maya Rudolph) over for lunch.

Recurring Characters: Phoebe.

The OfficeSummary: The boss’ (Chris Parnell) wife (Amy Poehler) has an affair with one of his employees (Tom Brady).

Bear CitySummary: A bear works in a video rental store.

AuctionSummary: Three men (Will Forte, Tom Brady, Chris Parnell) hold an auction to determine which one is better than the other two.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 16

04p: Cameron Diaz / Green Day

Woo! The Musical

Girl 1…..Cameron Diaz
Guy 1…..Fred Armisen
Girl 2…..Rachel Dratch
Guy 2…..Will Forte
Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Guy 3…..Rob Riggle
Sherry…..Maya Rudolph
Guy 4…..Horatio Sanz
Jervis DuBois…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Spring Break, we’ve all been there, whether we remember it or not. Now the magic of spring break, meets the magic of the theater, in the brand new musical “Woo!”

(sound effect of people going woo!)

(Cameron Diaz is standing with a gaudy background)

Girl 1: (singing) I’ve never been anywhere like this before, I’m a straight ‘A’ student from Oklahoma City. But now that I’m in Mexico, I’m ready to grow I’m ready to know, I’m ready to show the woman that’s inside of me! [unbuttons her top] WOO!

Announcer: The Daytona sun says: It’s like a musical, and it’s about spring break.

(Rob Riggle and Rachel Dratch are standing together, Rachel is drinking something out of a coconut)

Guy 3: Sup?

Girl 2: Hi.

Guy 3: Hey, my buddy wanted me to give your bathing suit bottoms back.

Girl 2: Oh that’s sweet.

Guy 3: Take it light (exits)

Girl 2: (singing) Who was his friend? I wish I knew. Was it Drew, or was it Hugh? It might be Stu, what was his name!? Oh yes, it was Darnell! (whispers) Darnell!!

Announcer: Allison Grove of the Galveston Journal said, “this musical lasted almost two hours.”

(Will Forte and Fred Armisen are sitting next to each other on chairs)

Guy 2: Bro, I just wanted to let you know I was really polluted last night.

Guy 1: Yeah, it’s ok, so was I dude

Both: (singing) We don’t remember a thing we did last night,

Guy 1: Do we bro?

Guy 2: You tell me, do we bro?

Guy 1: No we don’t, bro

Guy 2: Then we’re cool, bro.

Guy 1: Yes we are, bro.

Both: Then lets go bro’ing at some huevos rancheros

Announcer: With special guest Artist, Jervis DuBois from “The Young and The Restless.”

The Miami Hearald says “Of all the shows Jervis DuBois has done, this one is the most recent”

(Kenan Thompson is on a Porch)

Jervis DuBois: (singing) Where do all the black people go on spring break? They sure as HELL ain’t here in Dumoins Hotel. Where are they? Oh where they at?

Announcer: The Fort Lauderdale Chronicle says, “The theater was really cold, I wish I had worn a sweater.”

(Cameron Diaz has a cup in her hand and is being cradled by Horatio Sanz)

Guy 4: (singing) Girl you make me feel so tight, like Coors beer light. Don’t know ‘bout you but yo, it just feels right (spins Cameron out to dance) Will you visit me at Texas A&P?! (Cameron spews on Horatio’s belly)

Girl 1: WOO!

Announcer: The Saratota Times says, “The snacks at intermission were expensive”

(Maya Rudolph stands with a bunch of girls next to her)

Sherry: (very perky) HI GUYS! I’m Sherry from Western Michigan University! And I just got the Spring Break Fever!!

Sherry and Girls: WOO!

(All the characters come in behind her)

Sherry and Others: WOO!

Sherry: Spring O-Five!

Sherry and Others: WOO!

Sherry: Sleepin’ on the floor ya’ll!

Sherry and Others: WOO!

SherryMysterious bruises!

Sherry and Others: WOO!

Sherry: Intestinal Parasites!

Sherry and Others: WOO!

Sherry: Mexican Clinics, eatin’ the worm ya’ll! Loosin’ my keys, loosin’ my purse and my virginity! OH!

All: SPRING BREAK! WOOOOOOOO!

Announcer: “Woo!” Now playing at the Fort Lauderdale Sheraton. Ticket admission $20, or get in free if you show us your ta-ta’s

Submitted by: Kim C.

SNL Transcripts