SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Primetime Live

…..Paula Abdul
John Quiñones…..Fred Armisen
Corey Clark…..Finesse Mitchell
Paula Abdul…..Amy Poehler
Randy Jackson…..Kenan Thompson
Simon Cowell…..Chris Parnell
Mario Vasquez…..Maya Rudolph
Constantine Maroulis…..Will Forte
Ryan Seacrest…..Seth Meyers

[ open on Paula Abdul, standing alone ]

Paula Abdul: What you are about to see.. [ the audience cheers abruptly ] Listen. What you are about to see is a re-enactment of some events of this week’s biggest news story. Now, all the facts have been changed, to get laughs at my expense. I hope you enjoy it.

[ dissolve to “Primetime Live” logo ]

Announcer: Tonight, on a special edition of “Primetime Live”, the shocking follow-up to our fallen “Idol” expose.

[ SUPER: phone call transcripts: “Hi it’s Paula, call me back.” ]

[ SUPER: phone call transcripts: “Listen if the press is trying to talk to you, you say absolutely nothing.” ]

Announcer: Former “American Idol” contestant, Corey Clark, has remembered more details about his alleged relationship with “American Idol” judge, Paula Abdul.

[ dissolve back to John Quiñones in sit-down interview with Corey ]

John Quiñones: Corey, you claim you had a sexual relationship with Paula Abdul.

Corey Clark: Yeah. Me and her were, like, sex-ally active. Yeah.

John Quiñones: We talked about it Wednesday night on TV.

Corey Clark: Yeah.

John Quiñones: Mmm-hmm. But you felt you had some more to say?

Corey Clark: Yeah. I found some more evidence, you know what I’m sayin’? Like.. [ unfolds a piece of paper ] I found this receipt, from Carl’s, Jr.

John Quiñones: [ reading from receipt ] One fish sandwich, paid for with cash. Whose cash?

Corey Clark: Paula’s cash! I didn’t have money for luxuries like that!

[ dissolve to stock “American Idol” montage footage ]

Announcer: Was Paula Abdul feeding one contestant talents, while letting the others starve? In retrospect, it should have been obvious, from moments like this:

[ dissolve to Corey Clark singing on “American Idol” ]

Corey Clark: [ singing ]
“There’s a ribbon in the sky
A ribbon in the sky
There’s a ribbon in the sky, for our lo-o-ove!”

Paula Abdul: Corey, that was beautiful, you really blew me away. It’s just like I rolled over and said to you this morning: “You have real star quality.” I’ll see you at home.

Randy Jackson: You alright?

[ dissolve back to John Quiñones in sit-down interview with Corey ]

John Quiñones: Corey, why are you making all these claims now? Is this a publicity stunt for you?

Corey Clark: No, no! It’s, like, the opposite. You know what I’m sayin’? Look, I just wanna clear my name, before my record comes out, and before my book comes out! And before I startselling these t-shirts. [ holds up t-shirt; the front reads: “I did it with Paula Abdul..” with a photo of Corey smiling, the back reads: “Straight Up.” ] These are on sale at Von’s – and on my momma’s porch.

John Quiñones: Now, Corey, do you think Paula Abdul has slept with other contestants, besides you?

Corey Clark: I don’t know! I mean.. you know what I’m sayin’? I can’t think about stuff like that, because, like.. my mind is, like, not smart enough to figure that out.

[ dissolve to stock “American Idol” montage footage ]

Announcer: Corey can’t figure it out, but can we? Look at this clip of Paula with contestant Mario Vasquez:

[ dissolve to Mario Vasquez singing on “American Idol” ]

Mario Vasquez: [ singing ]
“Just call my na-a-ame
And I’ll be the-e-e-e-ere!”

Randy Jackson: Dawg, that was hot, dawg, I was feelin’ it!

Paula Abdul: [ clapping with her arms stretched high ] Mario, you have a great voice, a great style. But I think you need to focus, on coming over to my hot tub and letting me rub your feet.

[ dissolve to stock “American Idol” montage footage ]

Announcer: Or this clip of Paula with contestant Justin Guarini:

[ dissolve to Justin Guarini singing on “American Idol” ]

Justin Guarini: [ singing ]
“Celebrate good times, come on!”

Simon Cowell: Not your best. I thought it was cheesy.

Paula Abdul: I disagree. Justin, I really think you can win this competition. You have a great voice, a beautiful spirit, and you’re a tender and generous lover. Get in my car. [ mimes ] I’m gonna buy you a cell phone.

[ dissolve to stock “American Idol” montage footage ]

Announcer: Or this emotional outburst, when Constantine Maroulis was voted off the show:

[ dissolve to Constantine Maroulis singing on “American Idol” ]

Constantine Maroulis: [ singing ]
“Any way the wind blo-o-ows.”

[ emcee Ryan Seacrest emerges on stage next to Constantine ]

Ryan Seacrest: Great work, Constantine. You’re eliminated!

Paula Abdul: No-ho-ho! Not Constantine! Not my beautiful Constantine!

Simon Cowell: Paula! Get a hold of yourself!

Paula Abdul: Why does everyone I care about leave me! Keanu Reeves! The Lakers! M.C. Scat Cat! I can’t take any more!

Randy Jackson: Um.. you need to drink some orange juice.. or something.

[ the real Paula Abdul enters the scene to critique the performances ]

Paula Abdul: Alright. Great sketch, you guys. I just got three notes. Chris, um – great impression, but you need to wear a push-up t-shirt. Kenan, uh – you need about 14 more “dawgs.” And, Amy?

Amy Poehler: Yeah?

Paula Abdul: Uh – you need to perfect the clap a little more.

Amy Poehler: Okay.

Paula Abdul: And be a lot more sexier, so that contestants will be willing to sleep with you. and, uh – be willing to admit we’re “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Helping Hands Telethon

Helping Hands Host…..Johnny Knoxville
Andy…..Will Forte
Helping Hands Director…..Jason Sudeikis
Funtown Trio…..Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson, Rachel Dratch

(Open in studio full of operators taking calls and behind them the logo of Helping Hands which is two hands shaking, one hand white the other black)

Helping Hands Host: Welcome back! Ha,Ha. We’re having a great time here at the 6th annual Helping Hands Telethon. We’ve been at it 36 hours and folks we want you to keep calling in and sending in your donations. You know, I’ve met some many courageous people in my life’s journey (Helping Hands logo and number appear on the screen 1-800-555-0199) since we’ve been doing this.

(Andy picks up the phone)

Andy: Helping Hands.

Helping Hands Host: (continues) Just amazing, inspirational folks.

Andy: Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) People who just wanted to share their stories and talk and speak.

Andy: Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) And when people communicate, when we put down the Starbucks coffee and the TV remote – we’re all winners.

Andy: OHH!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) Over the years —

Andy: Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) — we’ve raised thousands ofdollars and we’ve got to keep raising that money, and we’ve got to keep reaching in Helping Hands.

Andy: (yells) Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) Recently, I met a courageous young woman from Marietta —

Andy: Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) — Georgia, and she shared astory with me that just blew me away.

Andy: (quick) Oh no!

Helping Hands Host: Excuse me. (slightly anonoyed, walks over to Andy) Andy, is there a problem?

Andy: No.

Helping Hands Host: Have they made a donation?

Andy: No.

Helping Hands Host: Are they gonna make a donation?

Andy: No.

Helping Hands Host: Then, I need you to hang up that phone. (Andy slams the telephone down hard with both hands) Ha, ha! Because we want to keep those lines open for all of you generous folks out there. Our goal for this season is $10,000 dollars.

Andy: (picks up the phone) Helping Hands. Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) And you know what? Our friends at the Home Depot (looks over his shoulder at Andy) are gonna match us dollar for dollar in store credit for all the money we raise.

Andy: (yells) Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (more angry now, turns to Andy) Andy, will you please do me a favor and hang up that phone! (Andy slams the phonedown) Thank you. I’m gonna have to ask you not to answer your phone again. (Andy makes a face of frustration and disappointment) And I’m gonna ask you (points at the viewer at home, while Andy touchesand caresses the phone) to welcome to the stage The Funtown Trio. Well, all right.

(Enter the trio, in the middle a man plays the guitar and two others sing, host stands behind Andy)

Funtown Trio: (Singing)
“Just yesterday, they let me know you were gone
Suzanne, the plans they made for you put an end to you.”

(Andy’s phone rings loud over the music. Andy has an intense, confused look on his face, worried about picking up or letting it ring.)

Funtown Trio: (continues)
“I walked out this morning, and I wrote you this song.”

Helping Hands Host: (angry) Andy, will you answer your phone!

Andy: Hellooooohhh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no, no! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Oh, no! (host interrupts the trio)

Helping Hands Host: Hey! Thank you, Funtown Trio. Thank you very much. Okay, folks, we’re gonna take a quick break!

Andy: Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) And we’ll be right back. So get those stories ready.

Andy: Oh, no!

Helping Hands Director: And we’re clear. (Host turns to Andy mad as hell)

Helping Hands Host: Andy, what is your problem, you stupid idiot!

Helping Hands Director: Sorry, now we’re clear.

Helping Hands Host: Oh, great! You know it’s bad enough I have to do this stupid telethon I don’t even believe in.

Helping Hands Director: Oops! I’m sorry. We’re clear now. It’s my bad. My bad.

Helping Hands Host: Andy, why is your ringer so loud? Did you turn up your ringer?

Andy: No.

Helping Hands Host: Are you telling the truth?

Andy: No.

Helping Hands Host: Andy, you have to help me out here and be quiet, okay? (Andy nods with head yes) Are you gonna make any more disturbances?

Andy: No.

Helping Hands Host: Good.

Helping Hands Director: We’re back in.. 3.. 2.. (points athost)

Helping Hands Host: Ladies and gentlemen —

Andy: (Yells) Oh, no!

Helping hands Host: (loses it) That’s it, hang up your phone! (Every operator in the room slams their phones down hard) I just meant Andy. That is it, you are fired!! You’re out of here!!

Andy: Oh, no!

(Host gets very close to Andy and points at his phone)

Helping Hands Host: If you say “Oh, no!” one more time, I’m gonna take that phone and stick it up your ass!

Andy: Oh, no!

(Host rips off the phone and chases Andy all over the studio)

Helping Hands Host: That’s it. Come here, come here!

(Fanfare music)

Announcer: We’ll be right back with the 6th annual Helping Hands Telethon. (beat) Maybe.

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Goodnights

…..Johnny Knoxville

[ Knoxville wears a t-shirt that reads: “I’m The Only HELL My Momma Ever Raised” ]

Johnny Knoxville: Thanks to Paula Abdul, System of a Down, Lorne Michaels, the cast and crew! Happy Mother’s Day – I love you, Mom! Madison, I love you! [ blows a kiss and claps ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

The Couple That Should Be Divorced

Ted’s Wife…..Rachel Dratch
Jack’s Wife…..Maya Rudolph
Ted…..Chris Parnell
Jack…..Johnny Knoxville
Dan Harrison…..Seth Meyers
Sally Harrison…..Amy Poehler

[open on exterior of suburban home]

[dissolve to interior living room with two couples walking towards couches]

Ted’s Wife: Thanks so much for having us over.

Jack’s Wife: Oh, well it’s been ages since we’ve seen you guys.

Ted: Is anyone else coming, or is it just the four of us.

Jack: Well, yeah, the Harrisons are stopping by.

Ted’s Wife: Oh, no, Dan and Sally?

Jack’s Wife: Oh, come on, guys, they’re two of our oldest friends.

Ted’s Wife: But all they do is argue. It’s so uncomfortable!

Jack’s Wife: I know. Well, maybe it won’t be so bad. [grimaces]

[Sally and Dan enter; she is holding a covered pie-tin and he is carrying a bottle in a paper bag]

Sally and Dan: Hey!

Dan: Hi, everybody!

Sally: Hey, sorry we’re late, but somebody thought the back roads would be faster–than the highway.

Dan: Yeah, that’s why we’re late. Not because she had to go through thirty outfits to pick out this winner.

Sally: Son of a–

Dan: What?!

[jingle plays with still photo montage]

Woman: [singing] You’re the thorn in my side. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at their wedding]

Man: [singing] You’re the face that makes me angry. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing on a tropical vacation]

Both: [singing] Nothing you ever say or do is right. / [with title] “Sally and Dan Harrison: The Couple That Should Be Divorced” [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at Christmas]

[dissolve to living room]

Sally: Hey, I made my famous pie.

Jack’s Wife: Oh, thank you! [taking it from her] Should I put it in the fridge?

Dan: You should put it in the garbage.

Sally: That’s my mother’s recipe!

Dan: No, your mother’s recipe is two parts silence, one part bitch.

Sally: Well, it beats his mom’s recipe: all parts gin.

Dan: How dare you!

Sally: How dare you! You–

Dan: [grunts angrily]

Ted’s Wife: Oh, this is funny. Um, Ted and I are taking a ballroom dancing class.

Jack’s Wife: Ooh, that’s great!

Ted’s Wife: Yeah, it’s really fun.

Ted: You should see this one rumba.

Ted’s Wife: Oh, Ted!

Dan: Are you guys learning the foxtrot?

Sally: What?

Dan: The foxtrot.

Sally: Foxbot?

Dan: Foxtrot.

Sally: Well, the first two times you said, “foxbot.”

Dan: Yeah, honey, they’re talking about ballroom dancing and I was talking abou the mythical half-fox, half-robot.

Sally: You’re an idiot.

Dan: [snarls angrily]

Ted: So, Jack, did you tell them about your promotion?

Jack: Well, yeah, that’s kind of why we’re celebrating.

Dan: Hey, congratulations, Jack! [pats Jack on the knee]

Sally: Yeah, we’re so proud of you, Jack!

Jack’s Wife: It’s so great. How’s work going for you, Dan.

Dan: Really great.

Sally: Huh.

Dan: Got something to say, Sally?

Sally: To you? Never.

Jack: So, what should we do before dinner?

Dan: We could play a game.

All Four Others: [shouting and with alarmed body language] No!

Jack’s Wife: Um, it’s just we played a game last time.

Dan: What did we play last time?

Sally: It was charades, and we lost.

Dan: Oh, that’s right. Somebody thought there was a movie called “When the Grinch Stole Thanksgiving.”

Sally: Guess what? [waggles her hands up and down with palms facing each other] This isn’t a Christmas tree.

Dan: Oh, what’s the point? What’s the point, guys?

Jack’s Wife: [grabbing bottle of wine from table] Hey, everyone! Sally brought wine! [opens the bottle]

Jack: Yeah, let’s start drinking! [reaches for a glass]

Ted: Asolutely! [taking a poured glass] So, how was your vacation?

Ted’s Wife: [to Ted] Why would you ask them that?

Ted: [to his wife] I don’t know.

Jack’s Wife: Cheers! Cheers.

Jack: Cheers.

Sally: So, we’ve been thinking about having kids. [all four others perform spit takes]

Dan: Nice pick on the wine, Sally.

Sally: Well, maybe next time, Dan, don’t honk the horn every thirty seconds while I’m in the store.

Dan: All right, I’ll go get another bottle. [stands and walks towards kitchen]

Sally: Ow!

Dan: What?!

Sally: [crying] You stepped on my foot!

Dan: Oh, then maybe we should call an ambulance, because that’s the noise a person makes when they break every bone in their foot.

Sally: You’re embarassing yourself.

Dan: Oh, I’m embarassing myself?! Can I talk to you in the kitchen, please?!

Sally: Absolutely!

[they both storm through swinging double doors into the kitchen]

Jack: Man, I don’t get it. They obviously hate each other.

Jack’s Wife: They’ve been like this since their wedding.

Ted’s Wife: They were like this when they were dating.

Ted: We were there the night they met. It did not go well.

[loud crash from kitchen, followed by Sally groaning and then Dan]

Jack’s Wife: Oh, my God. Jack, do something; they’re going to break our dishes!

Jack: Okay, okay! [gets up and goes through the swinging doors, but returns immediately] They’re having sex.

Ted’s Wife: Are you sure he’s not trying to kill her?

Jack: It’s impossible. She’s on top.

Ted: A second set of eyes might help. [begins to stand]

Ted’s Wife: Sit down, Ted.

Ted: Whatever you say, cupcake. [sits]

Jack’s Wife: Wow, so I guess they won’t be getting divorced.

Sally: Hey, um, sorry about that, you guys. We needed to check on the pie.

Dan: Don’t worry; it’s still terrible.

Sally: Son of a–

Dan: What?!

[jingle plays with sung voice-over and title: “Sally and Dan Harrison: The Couple That Should Be Divorced”]

[fade]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Mother’s Day Brunch

Jeremy’s Brother…..Seth Meyers
Curt’s Wife…..Rachel Dratch
Jeremy…..Jason Sudeikis
Tom…..Chris Parnell
Diquonte…..Kenan Thompson
Grandmother…..Maya Rudolph
Kyle…..Finesse Mitchell
Young Father…..Rob Riggle
Young Mother…..Amy Poehler
Curt/Tiffany…..Johnny Knoxville

[open on restaurant exterior with awning: “Ferraro’s”]

[dissolve to a table in restaurant interior with seated woman wearing a patterned magenta blouse as two young men approach]

Jeremy’s Brother: Hey, happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

Curt’s Wife: Oh, hi, boys.

Jeremy’s Brother: Hi. [kisses her on the cheek]

Jeremy: Hey, we got you these. [hands her a bouquet of flowers]

Curt’s Wife: Oh, thank you. They’re beautiful!

[the young men sit]

Jeremy’s Brother: So, where’s Dad?

Curt’s Wife: Uh, he’s in the bathroom, fixing his hair. [to a passing waiter] Oh, can I have a mimosa, please? And, um, hold the orange juice and instead of champagne, make it a scotch.

Tom: Yes, ma’am.

[pan to second table with older woman and two young men]

Diquonte: Grandma, this is you special day. Order anything you like.

Grandmother: Oh, that’s very nice of you, but I don’t want to fill up because I am having lunch with my grandsons later.

Kyle: Grandma, we’re your grandsons.

Grandmother: No, I don’t think so. My grandsons are very handsome.

[pan to third table with young couple and swaddled baby]

Young Father: Happy first Mother’s Day, mommy!

Young Mother: [holding the baby] Happy first Mother’s Day to you, daddy!

[both make “a-buh-buh-buh” sounds towards the baby]

Tom: [approaching the table] Hi, my name is Tom; I’ll be your waiter today.

Young Mother: Oh, Tom, look at our baby. Isn’t he cute?

Tom: He sure is.

Young Father: It’s his first trip to a restaurant!

Young Mother: Oh, my God, it’s the first time I’ve been out of the house in seven months.

Young Father: Hey, you’re his first waiter!

Young Mother: Oh, my God, first waiter! Get a picture!

Young Father: Yeah, yeah, yeah! [gets out a camera]

Young Mother: [handing the baby to Tom] Support his head. Support his neck! Support his neck!

[dissolve to first table]

Curt’s Wife: Oh, here comes your father.

Jeremy’s Brother: Hey, Dad.

Jeremy: Dad!

[their father enters the frame; he has shoulder-length crimped hair and is wearing a fuschia dress and a necklace while clutching a pink purse]

Tiffany: Boys, I told you, you don’t have to call me that. It’s Tiffany. Hi, honey. [kisses his wife on the cheek]

Jeremy’s Brother: [as his father kisses him on the cheek] Yeah, I’m not gonna call you that.

Jeremy: [as his father kisses him on the cheek] Hey, Tiffany, I got a question. Which bathroom did you use?

Jeremy’s Brother: Jeremy!

Tiffany: No, no, that’s fine. That’s a perfectly normal question, and I want to answer them. I’m using the men’s room right now, because I still have my penis. But, as you know, in a few weeks, I’ll be undergoing a procedure where my surgeon will flay my penis open and fold it into a vagina. [his wife sits stoically while he describes this]

Jeremy: Aw, that’s awesome!

Jeremy’s Brother: Awesome, really?

Jeremy: Yep.

Jeremy’s Brother: Well, uh, happy Mother’s Day to both of you, I guess.

Tiffany: Oh, oh, no, no, this is your mother’s day. I don’t want to steal her thunder. [conspiratorially to his wife] But I would like that silk top.

Curt’s Wife: [strainedly] Curt!

Tiffany: It’s Tiffany.

Curt’s Wife: I’m not calling you Tiffany.

Jeremy’s Brother: Well, we got you both a card. So, there you go. [hands a card to his mother]

Curt’s Wife: Oh, look. It’s a little kitty hanging on a tree, and it says, “Sorry for you loss.”

Jeremy’s Brother: Yeah, it’s not really a Mother’s Day card, but it seemed appropriate.

Jeremy: And we got this for you, Tiff. [hands a card to his father]

Tiffany: Oh! “Happy Mother’s Day. Dear Father/Mother, As you make this transition, one thing is true. No matter what’s in your panties, we’ll always love you.”

Jeremy’s Brother: Yeah, I couldn’t believe they make a card that specific, but apparently they do.

Tiffany: That’s so thoughtful. [begins crying and dabbing his eyes with a cloth napkin] I’m sorry; it’s just the hormones. [voice suddenly becomes very gruff and masculine as he pounds his fists on the table] They’re wreaking havoc on my body!

Curt’s Wife: [looking from side to side] Where is my scotch?

[dissolve to second table]

Tom: Have you decided?

Kyle: Uh, yes. I’ll have the goat-cheese omelette, please.

Diquonte: Yeah, I think I’ll have the Dutch apple pancakes.

Grandmother: Psst! Psst! [waves Tom to lean in to her] If these two boys try to put all that food on my check, call the police, because I don’t know them.

Diquonte: Grandma, it’s me, Diquonte.

Kyle: And me, Kyle.

Diquonte: We’re your grandsons, remember? We picked you up at your house.

Grandmother: If you’re really my grandsons, answer me this: What is my name?

Diquonte: Grandma?

Grandmother: Ooh, y’all are good.

[dissolve to first table]

Tiffany: [setting his hands on either side of his chest] So I went with a C cup, because I didn’t want them too big. Go ahead, test them out. Give them a squeeze.

Jeremy’s Brother: No thanks, Dad.

Jeremy: I’ll try it. [reaches over and begins fondling his father’s breasts as his mother puts her hand over her face in shame] Oh, yeah, those are great, Tiffany. High and hard, way to play them. Mom, have you felt these puppies?

Curt’s Wife: No. No, I haven’t. No.

[dissolve to third table]

Tom: Are you ready to order?

Young Mother: Um, yes. We are… [begins talking in baby talk voice] Yes we are! Mommy will have eggsy-weggsy and two fistfulls of Cheerios and some juicy!

Young Father: [also in baby talk voice] Oh, and Daddy wants the Caesar’s salad with some chicky-chicky-chicky-chicky!

Tom: Very good sir.

Young Father: [in normal voice] Uh, let me ask you this. Uh, your booberry muffins, are they num-num.

Tom: Yes, they’re very good, sir.

Young Father: All right, we’ll have this many. [holds up two fingers]

[dissolve to first table]

Jeremy’s Brother: So, uh, so, what’s new with you, Mom.

Curt’s Wife: Oh, nothing.

Tiffany: That’s not true! Tell them your exciting news.

Curt’s Wife: There’s no news.

Tiffany: We’ve been invited to appear on Oprah.

Curt’s Wife: We’re not going.

Tiffany: We’re thinking about it.

Jeremy: Oh, that’s great, Tiffany! You gotta do it!

Jeremy’s Brother: Hey, Jeremy? Why don’t you just admit you’re kissing up to Dad because you’re flunking out of law school.

Tiffany: What?

Jeremy: Dad, I’m a professional video game player trapped inside of a lawyer’s body.

[Jeremy’s brother groans disgustedly and rolls his eyes and head towards the ceiling]

Tiffany: Oh, baby, I know your pain. [puts a hand on Jeremy’s shoulder]

Curt’s Wife: [tapping her hand on the table impatiently] Are the waiters serving the drinks different from the regular waiters?

[dissolve to second table]

Grandmother: [holding a photograph] See, now, this is a picture of me with my two grandsons, and they’re with some lady.

Kyle: Grandma, that’s you!

Diquonte: And us!

Grandmother: I don’t think so, because these people are black.

[Diquonte shakes his head while Kyle turns away dejectedly]

[dissolve to third table]

Young Father: I wuv you, Mommy!

Young Mother: I love you, too, Daddy! [to baby] Hello! Hello! Oooooh! [baby begins to projectile vomit on her]

Young Father: Oh, yay! [both applaud] Somebody made barfy!

Young Mother: Get the camera!

Young Father: I got it, I got it!

Young Mother: Get the camera!

Young Father: I got it!

[young mother smiles while vomit drips down her entire face]

[voice over with title: “Happy Mother’s Day”]

[pan to Tom, juggling trays of food and order slips]

[voice over with new title: “to all the waiters who have to work brunch tomorrow”]

Voice Over: Waiters have moms, too, y’all.

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Bear City

Narrator…..Fred Willard

[ open on animated image of a meteor hurtling through the atmosphere and making impact on Earth ]

Narrator V/O: When a meteor hit outside the city of Centerville, a mysterious and visible cloud covered the town, forcing the citizens to flee underground.

[ show townspeople running into a barn-like structure ]

Narrator V/O: In this mysterious, visible cloud was a chemical that enabled bears —

[ show a bear squat in the woods, as the image dissolves into a similar pose of the bear sitting on a toilet inside of a house ]

Narrator V/O: — to evolve an fill the void left by humans.

[ show other bears walking through the city wwearing business suits and carrying briefcases ]

Narrator V/O: And, within two weeks, they had established.. Bear City.

Jingle: “Bear City. Bear, Bear City.”

[ show the bears interacting like humans — stepping out of elevators, rading newspapers, etc. ]

Narrator V/O: Although they couldn’t talk, the bears went about their lives just like Man had done.

[ show close-up of a boy and girl, named Rex Banter and Cynthia Davis ]

Narrator V/O: The only humans left in Bear City were two brave children —

[ the bears swarm in for the kill ]

Narrator V/O: And they were quickly eaten — by bears.

Jingle: “Bear City. Bear, Bear City.”

Narrator V/O: Tonight’s episode: “Barstool Blues.”

[ fade up on the interior of a barroom, where a bear sits glumly as the Bartender bear wipes the counter with a growl ]

[ the telephone rings. The Bartender bear answers it, only to hear the grumbling sounds of a female bear on the other end of the line. The Bartender bear looks to the bear drinking glumly, and indicates that it’s his wife on the line. The bear motions his paws to indicate that he’s “Not here”, but the Bartender bear hands the phone over to him anyway. The bear shrugs in defeat. ]

[ on the other end of the line, the irate bear wife yells at her husband over the phone. The bear weakly yells back over his end, but to no avail. ]

[ The bear hangs up the phone, thinks for a moment for a way to save face, then stretches out his arms, yawns, and pretends that he’s too tired and is ready to call it a night. As he walks away, the Bartender bear laughs at his him. ]

[ dissolve to a bear toasting a glass of wine to the camera ]

Narrator V/O: Thanks for visiting Bear City.

[ dissolve to title card: “Written and Directed by T. Sean Shannon” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:









Bit Players:
May 7th, 2005

Johnny Knoxville

System of a Down

None

Paula Abdul

Lorne Michaels

Sophie Michaels

Don Pardo

Patti Forte

Leo Allen

Eric Slovin
Primetime LiveSummary: Paula Abdul introduces a re-enactment of the “American Idol” expose, in which she (Amy Poehler) makes come-ons to various contestants.

Bio: Paula Abdul (1962-). Singer; former cheerleader for the L.A. Lakers; married to Emilio Estevez, 1992-94; talent judge on “American Idol”, since 2002.

Recurring Characters: Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, Justin Guarini.

Transcript

MontageNote: Don Pardo can be heard clearing his throat at the top of the montage.

Note: Writer Jason Sudeikis joins the cast as a featured player.

Johnny Knoxville’s MonologueSummary: Johnny Knoxville shows “Jackass” style video footage of his week at SNL, in which he is repeatedly smacked around by cast and crew members.

Bio: Johnny Knoxville (1971-). Comedian; longtime star of M-TV’s “Jackass” series; at one time, auditioned to join the cast of “Saturday Night Live”.

Transcript

Mom JeansSummary: The shapely fit that says you’re a mom, not a woman.

Note: Repeat from 02s.

Sally & Dan Harrison: The Couple That Should Be DivorcedSummary: Married couple Sally (Amy Poehler) & Harrison Dan (Seth Meyers) find every excuse to pick fights and insult one another during a dinner party with close friends.

Note: By their next appearance, The Harrisons would be renamed The Needlers.

Transcript

Domino’s Pizza PromoSummary: While dressed as a slice of cheeseburger pizza, Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) improvises a commercial promo for Domino’s Pizza.

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.

Transcript

VersaceSummary: In Calabria, Italy, Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) wishes a Happy Mother’s Day to her mom (Rachel Dratch). The uneventful proceedings are then interrupted by Elton John (Horatio Sanz) and fiance (Johnny Knoxville).

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Elton John.

Channel 5 Late Night MovieSummary: In “Visitors From Another Planet”, a captured farmboy (Will Forte) is tricked into being anally-probed by the alien fleet (Chris Parnell, Kenan Thompson, Johnny Knoxville).

Transcript

System of a Down performs “B.Y.O.B.”Bio: Politically-active metal band; members: Daron Malakian, Shavo Odadjian, Serj Tankian, John Dolmayan.

Note: Despite the network’s censoring of expletives during the song, guitarist Daron Malakian slips past a scream of “Fuck, yeah!” toward the end.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Will Forte wishes his mother, Patti Forte, a happy mother’s Day with a little ditty called “I’m Gonna Miss You When You’re Dead.” Dead comic Richie B. (Fred Armisen) performs more racist jokes to offend his interpretor Marcus (Kenan Thompson). Tina and Amy sing a peppy jingle for Bobos sneakers. Tina and Amy pay tribute to the life of Weekend Update founding editor Herb Sargent.

Bio: Patti Forte. Writer/artist.

Transcript

Mother’s Day BrunchSummary: Three strange tales set at a Mother’s Day brunch – two sons (Seth Meyers, Jason Sudeikis) dine with their mother (Rachel Dratch) and sex-change-in-progress father (Johnny Knoxville; a grandma (Maya Rudolph) who doesn’t recognize her grandsons (Kenan Thompson, Finesse Mitchell); and a young couple (Amy Poehler, Rob Riggle) who think their new baby is the msot wonderful thing in the world. Enduring all this is the unlucky waiter (Chris Parnell) who has to work on Mother’s Day.

Transcript

Helping Hands TelethonSummary: A shady televangelist’s (Johnny Knoxville) hopes to swindle contributions from viewers is thwarted by the panicky cries of “Oh, no!” by phone operator Andy (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Andy.

Transcript

Merv the PervSummary: Merv the Perv (Chris Parnell) and his cousin, Irv (Johny Knoxville) make their lewd come-ons to women shoppingat Victoria’s Secrets.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

System of a Down performs “Aerials”Lyrics

Action NewsSummary: The Action News desk features an overabundant news team, everything from a budget gourmet (Finesse Mitchell) to a possible arsonist (Chris Parnell) alluded to in the night’s top story.

Transcript

Bear CitySummary: T. Sean Shannon film documents another day in the life of Bear City. This time, a Bear’s wife calls him home from the bar, and his pals make fun of him after he sulks home with his tail between his legs.

Transcript

Todd Foxworthy: You Might Be A Gay Redneck, If..Summary: The stand-up routine of Jeff Foxworthy’s gay half-brother, Todd Foxworthy (Johnny Knoxville), takes the redneck jokes one step further.

GoodnightsTranscript

]]>

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Mexican FiestaSummary: Pitchman (Fred Armisen) promotes a Mexican spice that turns taco eaters into offensive Mexican stereotypes.

Jasper the Parrot IISummary: Phoebe (Rachel Dratch) and her giant parrot, Jasper (Fred Armisen), invite a date (Johnny Knoxville) and his giant pigeon (Maya Rudolph) over for lunch.

Recurring Characters: Phoebe.

Johnny RebelSummary: Even with his fast motorcycle, Jonny Rebel (Johnny Knoxville) can’t run away from a persistent woman (Rachel Dratch).

The Urine SamplerSummary: Crime scene investigator (Johnny Knoxville) solves mysteries by tasting the victim’s urine.

Bear CitySummary: A bear hails a taxi cab.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Why Brady?

…..Tom Brady
Fed Ex Courier…..Rob Riggle
Peyton Manning…..Seth Meyers
Donovan McNabb…..Finesse Mitchell
Mrs. McNabb…..Kenan Thompson

INT. STUDIO 8H – BACKSTAGE – NIGHT

TOM BRADY makes his way through the building. He encounters a FED-EX COURIER.

Courier: Hey Tom! Great job, man! Great job!

Tom Brady: Oh…thanks.

Both men give a secret handshake.

Courier: Hey… I think Peyton Manning’s been looking for you.

Courier glances behind Tom.

Courier: Oh… there he is!

PEYTON MANNING ENTERS, wearing his Indianapolis Colts jersey and ballcap.

Peyton Manning: Hey Tom… Good to see you.

Both men shake hands.

Tom Brady: Did you get those tickets I left you? Peyton shakes his head.

Peyton Manning: No.

Tom Brady: That’s weird… I left them.

Peyton Manning: Yeah, Eli got me in. Listen… how do they choose the quarterback who’ll host? Is it based in yards?

Tom Brady: I don’t know Peyton.

Peyton Manning: Yeah, because I passed 4,557 yards this year and you only passed 3,690.

Tom Brady: Then I guess it wasn’t yards.

Peyton Manning: Yeah I guess it wasn’t!

Peyton scowls at Tom.

Mrs. McNabb (off-screen): Yeah, I got a question for you, Tom Brady.

MRS. MCNABB, in her son DONOVAN’s Philadelphia Eagles jersey under a white fur coat, proceeds in with Donovan behind her.

Tom Brady: Mrs. McNabb. Donovan.

Mrs. McNabb: How did they choose this “host”? Because if it were up to me, my baby Donovan would be the host. He’s funny… he’s adorable.

Donovan McNabb: Okay mama… Now you’re embarrassing me.

Mrs. McNabb: Not! Not! Now!!

Tom Brady: Mrs. McNabb… I’m sure you would’ve chosen Donovan. And if it was up to my mom, she probably would have chosen me.

Mrs. McNabb: Well, I’m sorry, but I’m not familiar with your mother. Is she a spokeswoman for a national soup company? A soup company so famous Andy Warhol did a painting of it. Andy Warhol!!

Mrs. McNabb throws her arms in the air. Donovan lowers her arms down.

Donovan McNabb: Mama, please!

Peyton Manning: Hey Tom, I figured it out. How many touchdowns did you throw last year?

Tom Brady: Uh, I don’t know Peyton… like 20-something?

Peyton Manning: Hmmm… then they probably didn’t choose it by touchdowns because I threw 49. That’s an NFL record. That’s a lot of touchdowns everybody.

Peyton’s holds his arms in the air, glancing around to see if anybody’s paying attention. Tom lays his hand on Peyton’s right shoulder.

Tom Brady: You had a great year buddy.

Peyton folds his arms.

Peyton Manning: So then why did they choose you!?

Tom Brady: I’m sorry Peyton. I don’t know.

Donovan McNabb: Maybe’s because you got those three Super Bowl rings?

Mrs. McNabb hits Donovan.

Mrs. McNabb: Don’t help him!

Tom Brady: Sorry guys. I got to get ready for the next sketch. And Peyton… some advice – don’t wear that jersey in public all the time.

Peyton Manning: All right.

Tom EXITS.

Donovan McNabb: Well I guess there’s only one way to get a Super Bowl ring…

Peyton Manning: Hard work, dedication, and performance in the clutch.

Mrs. McNabb: Or – we could beat him down and take those rings! I’m gangsta!!

Peyton Manning: Yeah, that works too.

Donovan points to Peyton.

Donovan McNabb: All right, Mom. He’s 6’4″, so you’re first.

Mrs. McNabb: All right, baby. Let’s go.

Mrs. McNabb and Peyton start doing air punches against imaginary opponents. After a moment, all three exit to where Tom left.

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Jiminy Glick…..Martin Short
Lorne Michaels…..Will Forte

Announcer: From Studio 8-H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Tina Fey: Hi I’m Tina Fey.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.

Stocks plunged again Friday, suffering their worst day in 2005, and the third straight triple digit loss for the Dow Jones Industrial Average. On the bright side, your social security money isn’t in there yet!

Tina Fey: Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon met with President Bush at his Crawford, Texas ranch this week, where the two men discussed ways to calm the explosive situation on the set of Desperate Housewives.

Democrats have asked for more time to question UN Ambassador candidate John Bolton so the Senate Foreign Relations Committee has delayed an approval vote by one week. In the meantime, Bolton will go back to doing his one-man show about Mark Twain.

Amy Poehler: On her website Tuesday, Britney Spears announced that she and husband Kevin Federline are going to have a baby, or as Britney put it, “My new baby drops in September, ya’ll.”

To promote the remake of ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’, Warner Brothers in launching a contest similar to the on in the movie, in which five golden tickets will be hidden in candy bars with the winners getting a trip to LA. But please, anyone involved in this contest should understand that if someone in LA offers you an everlasting gobstopper, there will be sex involved.

Tina Fey: Health experts say that residents of Atlantic City, New Jersey are dying at a higher rate than people who live elsewhere in the state. This fits with the city’s new motto ‘What happens in Atlantic City, dies in Atlantic City.’

It was announced this week that the only known whale-dolphin mix, or wholphin, has given birth to a female calf. Sadly, the calf was immediately eaten by a sharktapus. (Shows a picture of an animal with a shark’s head, but an octopus’ tentacles) Oh! I don’t like that thing!

Amy Poehler: I don’t like that picture! I don’t like that picture!

Tina Fey: You’re going to have nightmares about that.

Amy Poehler: A six-year-old boy in England got his black belt in karate this week, so before he gets too big, don’t miss this awesome opportunity to kick a black belt’s ass!

Tina Fey: After being banned for thirteen years over potential health risks, the FDA has recommended allowing silicone breast implants back on the market, and commercials for them will go something like this…

(Slow music starts playing and a blurry filter is added for effect)

Tina Fey: Hmm… I want to cut myself open and put bags of goo in my chest… but I want something different… something less safe.

Amy Poehler: Something old school.

Tina Fey: I want married men at the mall to stare at me.

Amy Poehler: I want to look fat in shirts.

Tina Fey: I want to meet Joe Rogan.

V/O: Mentor Silicone Breast Implants. The big ol’ bags of goo that probably don’t give you lupus.

Amy Poehler: Paris Hilton will be starring in a new movie called ‘Bottoms Up.’ She will be playing the part of Bottoms.

Tina Fey: The two giant pandas at the San Diego Zoo mated over the past two days. This marks the only successful insemination of a panda this year in the US. It also proves once again, that I make the world’s most awesome slow jam mix tapes!

Amy Poehler: You really do!

Before conceiving, zoo officials closed the exhibit so that the pandas, Mei Xiang and Tian Tian, could mate in private. No such luck for Yo-Yo and Dum-Dum. (Shows a picture of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline)

Tina Fey: Well, yes, best wishes to them. And speaking of entertainment news, we’re very excited about this, please welcome our resident entertainment expert, celebrity interviewer to the stars, Mr. Jiminy Glick.

(He enters very excited and yells some stuff and claps his hands)

Jiminy Glick: Oh my goodness, aren’t they sweet? Aren’t you so, you’re, I mean your response to me is so fresh and raw and of the moment! You’re wonderful, all of you!

Tina Fey: Jiminy, thank you, you know thanks for being here. We’re very excited to have you.

Jiminy Glick: Aren’t you sweet, Tina Mey. You really are, and this whole bookworm thing is just so sexy! Ruff! Ruff Ruff!!

Tina Fey: Thank you, that’s very kind of you.

Jiminy Glick: Although I do miss Jimmy. I just think Jimmy is such a spirit. You know what I used to love when Jimmy would sometimes he’d look off camera and his hair would be all askew and I would say, “Oh, my god, he’s got to fix his hair!” And it was just SO of the moment and just such an act of bravery in what he’d do.

Amy Poehler: Very brave. Yeah. He’s great, Jimmy’s great.

Jiminy Glick: But this whole two woman gimmick is so much fun. I really think it’s great! And you two certainly are an inspiration for young lesbians everywhere. I mean they’re thinking ‘If they can do it, so can I.’

Tina Fey: Thank you, Jiminy. Now, I didn’t want to ask you this over the phone…

Jiminy Glick: How come?

Tina Fey: Well, I wanted you to book your flight, but… why are you here?

Jiminy Glick: Well, I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you why I’m here Tina Mey. I’m here to promote the release of our last and certainly least DVD of the best of Jiminy Glick and it’s a collection of my thirty years of celebrity interviews. And this one, disk 57, I mean even I have to admit it is absolutely the dregs! It’s the lowest of the low, you just can’t get any stinker than what’s on this! I mean we’ve got an interview with Urkel, uh, an interview with Robert Blake before he killed his wife, and uh, Erik Estrada and the whole cast of Chips. It’s just awful, but the worst of all, is the interview with your maestro Lorne Michaels, it takes place in 1975, and it’s bad.

Tina Fey: Well yes, I think we have a clip of this is a classic Jiminy Glick interview from 1975 with a young Lorne Michaels.

(Jiminy pulls out these HUGE, ugly glasses and puts them on)

Jiminy Glick: Oh! Let’s take a look! I bet it’s good!

(Cut to the 1975 interview. Jiminy and Lorne are sitting next to each other in large sofa chairs)

Jiminy Glick: I’m sitting here with the creator and founder and the lord of all that is mirthful I suppose, Mr. Lorne Michaels. Lorne Michaels, how are you? Congratulations on this hit you have!

(Jiminy hits Lorne on the knee with a rolled up thing of papers he’s holding)

Lorne Michaels: Thank you! Thank you!

Jiminy Glick: Oh! And the Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time-Players! That’s fun! Who came up with that phrase?

Lorne Michaels: (talks slowly throughout the interview) Well uh, we were kicking it around uh, in the studio…

Jiminy Glick: Who were the people?

Lorne Michaels: Well you know uh me, and Danny, Chevy, uh…

Jiminy Glick: ‘I’m Chevy Chase and you’re uh, you’re simply not Chevy.’ I can’t remember, I haven’t seen the show!

Lorne Michaels: Each of them great in their own ways, but when Candy Bergen came on the show, the cast felt like it had congealed —

(Show Jiminy who has fallen asleep)

Lorne Michaels: — to this family of comedians who had been…

(Jiminy slowly falls forward and eventually plummets head first onto the floor)

Jiminy Glick: Oh!! Ah, yes, okay, now you’re born on the same day as Mama Cass…

Lorne Michaels: Right.

Jiminy Glick: Are you a California Dreamer, Lorne?

(Jiminy grabs a donut from the table in front of them, and eats it repulsively fast!)

Lorne Michaels: Well I like to think of myself as many different uh, I’m a California Dreamers?… I’m from everywhere. I’m originally from Canada.

Jiminy Glick: (With mouth still full of donuts) OH! From Canada!

Lorne Michaels: Yes. Right.

Jiminy Glick: (Mouth is still stuffed with food) Is it cold there all the time or does it not get cold?

Lorne Michaels: Well it’s…

(Jiminy begins to choke on the donuts)

Lorne Michaels: ..temperature varies…

(Jiminy hits himself in the chest and says some things, but you can’t understand him. Lorne goes over and does the Heimlich maneuver. While doing this, Jiminy stuffs even more donuts into his mouth)

Jiminy Glick: I’m fine, thanks you. I find that sometimes when you’re choking, more food helps.

Lorne Michaels: Right.

Jiminy Glick: So far, who’s been the stinkiest host, the host that’s just bored you?

Lorne Michaels: Well I like to think that each host has something to offer uh, I don’t know that I could answer that question. They’re all great in their own way.

Jiminy Glick: (Frustrated) Why are you so boring? I have a show to do, and you are just so bad! You’re expected to entertain and say something! Listen to what I’m saying Mr. Brand-New-In-Show-Business, Mr. Fixnon, who by the way, this show will not last, there’s no way it will. It can’t! Not with you at the helm. You’ll be back, you’ll be sloggin, killing beavers, whatever you Canadians do. You just, hittin’ ‘em with your fists. Fisting them is what you’ll be doing. And you should be ashamed… to do that to a beaver!

Lorne Michaels: That’s your opinion.

(Jiminy screams and runs over and attacks Lorne. He ends up smashing a vase of flowers on Lorne’s head too)

(Back to the studio)

Jiminy Glick: I knew it was a bad one!

Tina Fey: Thank you. That was, Jiminy, that was fascinating.

Jiminy Glick: And again Tina Mey, you are just one of the sexiest women I’ve ever seen, I just… Although I’d love you to put these together (motions at her breasts) and make one good one.

Tina Fey: All right! Jiminy Glick everyone!

Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler.

(Jiminy starts to kiss Tina)

Amy Poehler: ..and she’s Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Touchdown

Written by: Joe Kelly & Jason Sudeikis

Alan….Tom Brady
Kurt….Rob Riggle
Alan’s Wife….Maya Rudolph
Kurt’s Wife….Rachel Dratch
Earl….Will Forte
Carnie….Chris Parnell
Gay guy 1….Seth Meyers
Gay Guy 2….Fred Armisen
Old lady in a wheelchair….Amy Poehler

[Opens with a carnival. Cut to 2 couples hanging together at the carnival. Alan is eating cake. Kurt’s wife is pregnant.]

Alan’s Wife: This is going to be fun, isn’t it?

Kurt: Heck yeah! Carnivals are great! What do you say Alan?

Alan: Hey, if I’m eating funnel cake, you know I’m having fun.

Kurt’s Wife: What do you guys want to do first?

Alan: I’m getting my ass another funnel cake.

Alan’s Wife: Sweetie, pace yourself. Let’s go on a couple of rides first like the screaming barrels!

Kurt: Yeah! That’s awesome!

Kurt’s Wife: Oh, I can’t. Remember? [shows her pregnant belly]

Kurt: Oh, yeah. The damn baby.

Kurt’s Wife: Well, you guys go ahead. Its ok.

Alan’s Wife: No, no, no. Let’s do something together.

Alan: Let’s get funnel cakes.

Alan’s Wife: Alan, seriously. Chill out.

Kurt: Hey, I know. Let’s play some of this games.

Alan’s Wife: Yeah, that would be fun!

[The two couples walk towards Earl. He is in charge of a game of scoring a football through a hole on a board. The board is decorated with football players. The balls are placed in front of Earl. The prize for scoring are pink bears. They are hanging behind Earl.]

Earl: Step right up! Make a touchdown, win a bear! Only $5 a throw.

Kurt’s Wife: Oh, sweetie. Will you win me a bear, please?

Kurt: Sure, sure. I’ll take one of those cause that is all I’m gonna need. Ah,haha. [pays Earl, picks football up]

[Kurt throws and scores through the hole]

Earl: Touchdown!

Kurt: Yeah! Whoo!

Alan: Man!

[Earl gives Kurt a big pink bear. Kurt gives it to his wife]

Kurt: There you go, sweetie.

Alan’s Wife: Oh, I want a bear.

Alan: All right. Coming right up.[pays up, grabs football] I’ll take one of those. And if you don’t mind I’ll throw from the men’s tees.[walks farther back to throw]

Kurt: Ooh.

[Alan throws and misses the hole]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Darn it!

Kurt: Hey, hey. No biggie, chief. Just shake it off.

Alan: All right. Here’s another five.[pays Earl, grabs football. Throws from closer]

Alan’s Wife: Oh, you can do it, honey. Come on.

[Alan throws and misses the hole]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Are you kidding me?!

Kurt’s Wife: My turn, my turn!

[Kurt’s wife pregnant and all steps up and throws the football underhand in a girlie, non athletic, dorky way and scores.]

Earl: Touchdown!

[They all laugh except Alan. Kurt’s wife gets another pink bear]

Kurt: That was awesome!

Alan’s Wife: This is a hoot! Let me try.[steps up and picks football]

Alan: Careful, honey. Its a lot harder than it looks.

[Alan’s wife throws and scores]

Alan’s Wife: Ok. Oh, hells yeah!

Earl: Touchdown!

Kurt: What a shot!

Alan’s Wife: Ug! That’s how you do it! Ah, give me that bear!

[Earl gives Alan’s wife her pink bear]

Alan: All right. Here’s $15 dollars. Give me 3 balls. [pays]

[Alan throws the football, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Far from a touchdown!

Alan: Dang it!

Kurt: Hey, hey, hey. No big deal, all right?

Kurt’s Wife: Yeah, why don’t we just go do something else?

Alan’s Wife: Yeah, Alan. You can have my bear.

Alan: I don’t want your damn bear! I want my own bear.

Kurt: Hey, hey. Its just a game, right?

Alan:[menacingly] Back off, Kurt.

Earl: Step right up! Throw a touchdown, win a bear!

[Two gay guys step up to Earl]

Gay Guy 2: So, what’s this? What is this?

Gay Guy 1: This is football, silly.

Gay Guy 2: What do I do here?

Gay Guy 1: You throw that in there and win me a bear.

Gay Guy 2: I want a bear too.

Gay Guy 1: Ok, lets do it together,

Gay Guy 2: Ok.

[Both gay guys throw their respective footballs and both score. They jump up and down very happy]

Gay Guy 1 & 2: Yay!

Earl: Touchdown!

[Earl gives them each a pink bear]

Gay Guy 1: That was the easiest thing ever![leaves]

[An old lady in a motorized wheelchair steps up to Earl]

Old Lady: Hey! Whoo! Hey, Earl. One please. Ok.

[Old lady throws the football like a hook shot without even looking, she scores]

[Earl gives her the pink bear but she takes off]

Old Lady: Whoo! Keep it.

Alan: Here’s 100 bucks! Keep ’em coming. [pays, footballs are lined up in front of him]

Alan’s Wife: Alan, Alan, this is getting really expensive!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Damn!

Alan’s Wife: Honey, why don’t we get some funnel cake?

Alan: No funnel cakes! Bear!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Unbelievable!

Kurt’s Wife: Hey, hey, um, maybe you should try it, like, underhand?

Alan: Maybe you should shut up!

Kurt: Hey, hey, hey.

Earl: Not a cool move.

Alan: You stay out of it!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Stop saying that!

Earl: Stop missing.

Alan: Say one more thing and the next one’s coming at your head!

Earl: I could not be less worried.

Alan: All right. That’s it.

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not even close!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not even close!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Worse than the previous two!

Alan: I can’t hit anything!

[Alan turns to another game and throws the football knocking down some pins]

Carnie: Haaaa!! We have a winner! The gentleman gets himself a pretty new doll.

[Carnie gives Alan a little doll]

Alan’s Wife: Hey, look at that.

Kurt’s Wife: Hey, there you go.

Alan: Damn right! None of you won a doll! I won a doll.

Alan’s Wife: Yes you did, baby. Now, let’s go get some funnel cake.

Alan: Make it two. One for me and one for Miss Penelope here.

[The foursome walk away]

[Cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts