Canadian News Show

Jean-Lawrence… Bowen Yang

Anne-Marie.. Kate McKinnon

Fred… Mikey Day

Awa-Sene… Issa Rae

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching CBC, Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. At nine, it’s “Schitt’s Creek” followed by the Shitt’s Creek reboot “Schartt’s Cavern”. But right now, you’re watching “Bonjour Hi!”

[Cut to Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie in their set.]

Jean-Lawrence: Bonjour Hi. Welcome to “Bonjour Hi”, the French Canadian morning news show live from Montreal, Montreal- the best parts of Canada and the worst parts of France. My name is Zoro Halls or John Larry. And as always, I’m joined by my beautiful cohost, Annagi.

Anne-Marie: Bonjour Jone.

Jean-Lawrence: Bonjour Hi. Now we do the bouncer. How was your weekend?

Anne-Marie: Well, I suffered an injury and I made love to a surf suley performer. I choke on the big scarf.

Jean-Lawrence: You’re always doing this.

Anne-Marie: Wait, but I went for surgery which was free, of course, and so is my new scarf.

Jean-Lawrence: Pretty. And today, we have with us our colleague from the south. He’s an American journalist quarantined in Canada because of covid, please welcome from Michigan, Jean-Fred.

Fred: Merci for having me. My name is actually Fred.

Jean-Lawrence: Go ahead, I said Jean-Fred.

Fred: No. Just Fred.

Jean-Lawrence: Please welcome Jean-Fred Desjardins.

Fred: Okay.

Jean-Lawrence: Let’s begin today’s update. Bar limits has proposed their controversial resolution for guaranteed universal basic income, but is this just an empty welfare promise? Anne-Marie, your update.

[Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie speaking in foreign language]

Jean-Lawrence: Jean-Fred, your thoughts?

Fred: Yes, or no. I’m sorry, I don’t speak whatever French this is.

Jean-Lawrence: [speaking in bad accent] Now, this time for our weekly segment with our Toronto correspondent, Awa-Sene. Awa-Sene, bonjour hi.

Awa-Sene: Bonjour hi. I am Awa-Sene and this is Drake Watch.

Jean-Lawrence: Yes. Our favorite part of the show where we find out if you saw Drake.

Anne-Marie: So, Awa, did you see Barack today?

Awa-Sene: No. This has been Drake Watch.

Fred: I’m sorry. That’s it? That’s the whole segment?

Awa-Sene: Oh, well, I thought I saw Drake but it was just my friend Aten. Aten looks a lot like Drake. And I was confused because he was crying in a basketball court.

Anne-Marie: Did you check anywhere else for Drake?

Awa-Sene: Yes. I almost found him this morning when I saw a man in a wheelchair. But then I remember Drake was only in wheelchair for potential [unintelligible]. So, it was not him.

Anne-Marie: Okay. Merci, Awa. Please keep us post if you see Drake.

Awa-Sene: Of course. This has been Drake Watch. [looking around using binoculars] Yoo-hoo. Drake?

Jean-Lawrence: What an exciting segment. Jean-Fred, do you like Drake?

Fred: I don’t know. I mean, he has kind of fallen off recently. .

[Jean-Lawrence starts shouting at Fred]

Anne-Marie: Jean-Host, do not blow your guest, please.

Fred: How is this a news show?

Jean-Lawrence: And now it’s time for the traffic report.

Anne-Marie: Oh! [puts a cigarette in her mouth] Today I was driving to work in my Pugeot [unintelligible] bridge. I took a left on [unintelligible] and then I parked in [unintelligible] parking garage and traffic was bad.

Jean-Lawrence: Great traffic report.

Fred: You can smoke in the studio?

Jean-Lawrence: Oh, here another, we have a breaking news story and we must start right away.

[Cut back to Awa-Sene]

Awa-Sene: Bonjour Hi, I am at the top of the [unintelligible] tower with a dramatic development in the search for Drake.

Anne-Marie: Oh, Drake is there?

Awa-Sene: No, Drake is not here.

Fred: Then why are you there?

Awa-Sene: Oh, as you can see on the cover of his famous album ‘Views’, Drake [unintelligible] in this very location. So, I thought I should check. But [unintelligible]

Fred: And that’s breaking news?

[Jean-Lawrence starts shouting at Fred again]

Awa-Sene: It is okay. I will continue to follow the [unintelligible] of Drake. I am like famous Canadian actress Rachel McAdams in the film “Spotlight.”

Jean-Lawrence: Rachel McAdams, a beautiful girl.

Anne-Marie: Beautiful girl.

[music playing]

Jean-Lawrence: Ah! We are almost out of time. Thank you to Jean-Fred. Please accept our gift of famous Moguel big weird bagels.

Fred: Oh, okay. These are bagels? Why is everything 25% different here?

Anne-Marie: We say it taste better with the big hole.

Jean-Lawrence: Yes, lick the cream out of the big hole. Since I’m young, I eat the big while hole this wya.

Awa-Sene: Jean-Fred, stick your face, go down on the big hole.

[Fred licks the food]

Fred: I regret doing that on camera.

Jean-Lawrence: Well, it is time to say bye to “Bonjour Hi”. We’re set to go but–

[Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie walks front]

Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie: That’s the way it is.

[singing] Don’t give up on your faith
and that’s the way

Ryan Gosling Monologue on Canadian Christmas

Ryan Gosling

Cecily Strong

Mike Myers

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Gosling.

[Ryan Gosling walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Ryan Gosling: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m so excited to be here hosting Hat– Saturday Night Live. I can’t even say it. I’m so excited to be back home, New York city. You know? Man, I love this city at Christmas time. It’s just brings back all these great memories of growing up as a kid. You know, you got the tree in Rockefeller center. You got the rockets. Getting the slice of za with my boys. And Brooklyn, what’s up? Brooklyn in the house.

[Cut to Cecily Strong in the audience]

Cecily Strong: Ya, Ryan, aren’t you actually from Canada?

[Cut to Ryan Gosling]

Ryan Gosling: Canada? I don’t– where would I get this accent?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, it sounds like you got it from those old Phil Rizzuto ads for the money store. Also, I looked it up and you’re definitely from Cornwall Ontario.

[Cut to Ryan Gosling]

Ryan Gosling: Look, alright, not everybody is a big fan of immigrants right now. You know what I mean. I’m not sure I wanna be shouting it from the rafters.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, well now I’m looking at Google images of you so I stopped listening. [Cecily Strong takes her seat] [Cut to Ryan Gosling] [3 walks in wearing ‘Toronto Maple Leafs’ shirt.]

Mike Myers: It’s okay guys. I’ll take it from here. Thank you. Thank you. I’ll take it from here. I’ll take it from here.

Ryan Gosling: Mike Myers? Where did you come from?

Mike Myers: I live backstage. Now Ryan, are you ashamed to be Canadian?

Ryan Gosling: Mike, I am very proud to be Canadian, okay? It’s one of the greatest countries in the world. You know? Thank you. It’s just, nobody really wants a dramatic actor from Canada, you know? People don’t really think of Canada that way. They just sort of think of it as America’s hat.

Mike Myers: But we’ve got so much to be proud of. Come on, people! Our hunky new prime minister Trudeau. Hello. The grassy junior high? Sir Justin Bieber. Come on! And you wanna talk Christmas? No one does Christmas better than Canada! Waking up at dawn. Snow up to your nugs. Watching a government funded production of the nutcracker. And of course, [a snowman walks in] Bonhomme De Neige. Right? Bonhomme De Neige. Or, the good man of the snow. Who is a watchful snowman who puts you in a Maple sack and beats you with the lacrosse sticks if you’ve been telling lies. Everyone knows that, right?

[the snowman leaves]

Ryan Gosling: Look, my uncle was town’s Bonhomme De Neige, okay? I’ve been in Bonhomme De Neige’s sack. It was no fun.

Mike Myers: No, no, no, no. It is not fun. No.

Ryan Gosling: Mike, you’re right. Okay. I shouldn’t have lied. I’m sorry.

Mike Myers: [Acts like he didn’t understand] Sorry?

Ryan Gosling: [in Canadian accent] I’m sorry.

Mike Myers: Oh! Okay. Alrighty! He’s sorry. Well, you know, don’t be sorry.

Ryan Gosling: Well, I am. I am sorry.

Mike Myers: No, no, no, no. Don’t be sorry. It’s Christmas time. How about we sing a Canadian Christmas song, ay? Alright?

[music playing] [singing] From Ottawa to Manitoba

Ryan Gosling and 3: There’s a feeling in the air.

Mike Myers: Oh, sorry. I sang your line.

Ryan Gosling: No, I’m sorry. No, you go ahead. You’re Mike Myers.

Mike Myers: That’s a little true. It’s a little true. Let’s both sing. Come on.

[music playing]

Ryan Gosling and 3: Santa’s coming so don’t you pow
it’s time to break the Mosins out
or club some seals and then we’ll shout
that’s what Canadian Christmas is about

Ryan Gosling: This was written by an Americans, you know? I don’t drink Mosin. I don’t club seals. I don’t say ‘abot’. Do you?

Mike Myers: No! No! I mean, it depends on what you’re talking about. But…

Ryan Gosling: Yeah, I bet you they made you wear that Maple Leaf jerseys too, you know? They think we’re this Cliche.

Mike Myers: Well actually, this is my jersey I wear pretty much everyday. Okay.

Ryan Gosling and 3: Put on your slippers and pass the kipper
it’s the trees three meters high
we’re in heavy sweaters in the freezy weather
if you go outside you’ll die.
Santa please, take the quickest route
if you get stuck, we’ll dig you out
if you get lost, we’ll send a scoot
that’s what Canadian Christmas is about. 

Mike Myers: Hah! Canadian Christmas dance number, go!

[Ryan Gosling and starts tap dancing turn by turn]

Hah!

[cheers and applause]

Let’s move on.

Ryan Gosling and 3: So, kiss the Tabag and cover your nogen with a hat

Mike Myers: You mean a tuke.

Ryan Gosling: That’s right.

Mike Myers: Then we’ll get real and club some seals
and drink mosins till we puke
Everybody!

[Other SNL members are coming in singing]

Everybody: Santa’s coming, there’s no doubt
it’s time to put the presents out
and in the morning, we all shout.
That’s what Canadian Christmas is about.

Ryan Gosling: We have a great show for you tonight. Leon Bridges is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back..

[cheers and applause]