Tag: End

Weekend Update on End of Government Shutdown

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a pictures of Donald Trump and Chuck Schumer at left top corner.]

Well, Monday, Chuck Schumer saw his shadow which means we have three more weeks of government. The shutdown is temporarily over until February 8. So, that means, these guys have 12 days left to solve all of immigration. I’m not that confident. I wouldn’t even trust them to get out of an escape room in 12 days. Also, Schumer only agreed to this temporary deal because Mitch McConnell promised to finally address the issue of Dhaka. But trusting Mitch McConnell to keep a promise is like trusting Stevie Wonder to perform a briss.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Chuck Schumer at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Schumer said that before his meeting with president Trump on immigration reform, he insisted that White House advisor [Picture changes to Steven Miller] Steven Miller not be allowed in the room. But Miller usually scatters away whenever someone turns the lights on. Coz he looks like a roach. Steven Miller looks like he has a sex doll name ‘Mother.’ Doesn’t he look like the guy in ‘Ghost’ that yells, “Get off my train.” [Picture changes to Steven Miller and Vincent Schiavelli from ‘Ghost’]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump

Colin Jost: President Trump reportedly ordered the firing of Robert Mueller last June but backed down when the White House counsel threatened to resign. So, he tried to obstruct justice in an obstruction of justice investigation. It’s like getting pulled over for drunk driving and then challenging the cop to a Keig stand. My concern at this point is that Trump tries to obstruct justice so often and so publicly that he doesn’t even register as a crime anymore. I mean, no one’s still trying to convict the Hamburglar for stealing hamburgers. Coz, at this point, it’s just what he does. Also, like the Hamburglar, Trump is basically a Hamburglar.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Robert Mueller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump’s lawyer Ty Cobb had to tell the president that the investigation was almost over just to calm him down. What do you mean calm him down? You shouldn’t have to do that to a president. That’s what you do to a dog during a fireworks display. “Shh, it’s okay boy. It’s almost over.” I do love that Trump tried to fire Mueller and now he has to sit with him and answer all of his questions. That’s gotta be awkward. You ever tried to press door close on somebody in an elevator but they make it anyway? And now you got to talk to Colin about white golfers?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: At the world economic forum in Davos, Switzerland, Trump was asked if he tried to fire Mueller. And this was Trump’s defense.

[Cut to Colin Jost walking. The media is asking him questions.]

Press: Did you try to fire Robert Mueller?

Donald Trump: [holding his hand up to his mouth as he’s whispering] Fake news, folks. Fake news.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Why are you holding up your hand like that? It doesn’t work if you’re talking on full volume into a television camera. I think he probably saw all word leaders whispering like this whenever he entered a room. And he just thought it was like a cool European thing. He also probably thinks that [Colin Jost circles his index finger around his head side. Normally used to say ‘crazy’.] this means, “This guy has got a great idea.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Paul Kagame]

While in Davos, Trump also met with the president of Rwanda just a week after Trump used the vulgar term to describe African nations. The meeting began awkwardly when Trump tossed him his car keys and hold him not to scratch the finish.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of FBI and republicans’ elephant logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Cut right to the black guy. Republicans have begun blaming a secret society with in FBI for undermining the Trump presidency. And you know what? I believe it. That’s why hating on Donald Trump is so frustrating for me because he constantly reaffirms all of my black paranoia. Just when I think he’s insane, he’ll say something that makes perfect sense. Like, “The media is lying. The FBI is trying to do me like they did Tupac.” And I’m like, “They did kill Tupac, didn’t they?”

Weekend Update End of Impeachment Trial

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of impeachment at left top corner.]

Well, the impeachment trial is basically over. As a sense, I could have said two weeks ago when the trial began. We didn’t even get to hear any of the witnesses in this trial. And by the way, look the witnesses we could have had. You don’t wanna hear anything from thee guys? They look like two characters in a video game who give you the best information. My questions for them aren’t even about Trump. My questions are like, “What’s your deal? Walk us through a typical day. What kind of food do you eat? Is it human food?”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and United States Capitol]

It was reported that President Trump pushed for the vote to be on Tuesday so that he could boast about his acquittal during the state of the union, but now experts are saying that Trump might strike a more humble tone. And we actually have an advance copy of his speech.

[Cut to a video clip of a man b-boying in front of the United States Capitol. The boy’s face is edited into Donald Trump’s face.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked in February at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Ah! What better way to start black history month than to be failed by the justice system. Why was this impeachment ever a good idea? We would have been better off just yelling, “Citizens arrest!” [Picture changes to Alan Dershowitz] And why didn’t we get Alan Dershowitz? This dude was amazing. He somehow convinced the court that a president should be allowed to break the law as long as it’s good for the country. That’s like telling your girl you only cheated to practice being good at sex for her. You know what? That’s it! I’m a republican now. I’m tired of losing. I can’t be a democrat and a Knicks fan. This is too much heart rate, man!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ken Starr at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Trump’s other attorney was Clinton impeachment prosecutor Ken Starr who said that, “Presidential impeachment has become a weapon to be wielded against one’s political opponent.” Which is a “So hypocritical even a guy like Ken Starr has to be ashamed to make it.” Maybe that’s why he showed up to the trial looking like [Picture changes to Ken Starr at the day of impeachment] a priest walking into a porno theater.

[Picture changes to John Bolton]

In a new book, John Bolton claims that last August, President Trump told him directly that he was holding up aid to Ukraine until they investigate the Bidens. Hey guys, what’s up with the books? When there’s an emergency, just tell us right away. If you’re friend’s about to get murdered, you don’t go off and right a novel called, “The killer behind you”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Palestinian flag and Mahmoud Abbas at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Palestinian president has rejected Trump’s middle east peace plan saying “1,000 nos to the deal.” Incidentally, 1,000 nos is what Trump calls consent.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jared Kushner at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump’s son in law Jared Kushner who I think played Lube Man in Watchman, he has been working on middle east peace plan for nearly three years. So, I’m sure he is evenly considered the feelings on both sides.

[Cut to Jared Kushner speaking on CNN news]

Jared Kushner: The Palestinian leadership have to ask themselves a question. Do they wanna have a state? Do they wanna have a better life? If they don’t, then they’re gonna screw up another opportunity like they have screwed up every other opportunity that they’ve ever had in their existence.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What? Sounds like someone’s dad is about to bulldoze the community center. That clip is so gross. I have never seen a self entitled, over confident white guy, and I’m me.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Amy Klobuchar at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Amy Klobuchar has been getting a lot of attention during Iowa Caucuses for bringing her families Tater Tot Hot Dish to event. Co-incidentally, Tater Tot Hot Dish is the name of the guy [Picture changes to Joe Biden] Joe Biden wrestled at a public pool in 1962

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mike Pompeo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Secretary of State Mike Pompeo screamed at an NPR reporter because she asked him questions about the Ukraine scandal. Then Pompeo demanded that the reporter point out Ukraine on a map which she easily did. Worse, Pompeo then responded, “Wait, that one is Ukraine?”