Please Dont Destroy Future Selves

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins, Martin Herlihy chilling in their office]

John: Dude, do you ever want to just go home, have a couple of drinks and just drive?

Ben: Cruise, right?

Martin: John, that’s drunk driving.

John: Oh, right. Right.

[suddenly everything starts shaking. A portal appears and three old men walk in through the portal.]

Martin: Who the hell are you?

Old Martin: We’re you, from the future.

Old John: We’ve come back in time to deliver you a great warning.

Old Martin: In the future climate change has turned the planet into an uninhabitable–

Martin: First of all, hello. Can we talk about this first? Because this is crazy.

John: How are our lives going?

Ben: Are we rich? I had to ask. Are we rich?

Old Ben: No. Actually, in a lot of debt.

Ben: Oh, debt? Oh.

Martin: But family life’s good? We’re all married.

Old Martin: No! No woman can hold me down. Huh?

Martin: Oh, that’s pretty cool.

Old Martin: I’ve been through a really bad divorce. But if we can act now we can avoid total human extinction—

Martin: I don’t care.

Old Martin: What?

Martin: If you’re what I’m working towards, I’d honestly rather just die now. I mean, this is what happens to me? I get divorced so hard, I start dressing like Jared Leto.

Ben: You have way too many accessories for a man over 70.

John: And then you look at this guy. [at old Ben] It’s just like, oh!

Ben:  mean, who do you think you’re fooling with that wig?

Old Ben: What wig?

Ben: What wig? Did you only age from the forehead down.

Old John: Show some respect over here, hah!

John: Stop. What the hell happened? Why are you way more Italian than I am?

Old John: Oh, ay!

John: Oh, ay! Why are you talking like that?

Old John: Talking like that?

John: This is a tragedy, dude. I turned into Paulie Walnuts.

Old Martin: Guys, we really need to get back to climate change.

Ben: Yeah, no. We’re so past that. Did you ever sail across the world?

Old Ben: Almost. But then my house burned down? On my birthday.

Ben: Why are you the saddest man I’ve ever seen in my life?

Old Ben: Stop playing into us. You’re the ones who made us this way.

Ben: Oh really? I made you put that wig on man. Dude. You just look like the ghost of Ed Sheeran

Old Ben: Suck it, weirdo.

Ben: The wig’s coming off

[Ben starts to pull old Ben’s hair]

Old John: Get your hands off him before I call my guys on you.

John: Your guys? He is from the mafia?

Martin: Fine! Let the planet burn. We’re out of here.

Martin: Get out of here.

John: Oh, one last thing before we go. [looking at the camera] Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Ben: What is that, man?

John: Just go.

Jonah Hill Monologue

Jonah Hill

Kyle Mooney

Future

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jonah Hill.

[Jonah Hill walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jonah Hill: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’ve had such a crazy year. Wow. So much happened. I had a starring role in the ‘Hail, Caesar!’… trailer. What else? I saw Deadpool opening day. Oh, thank god! A question.

[Cut to Kyle in the audience]

Kyle: Hey, Jonah. Medium fan here. I notice you haven’t starred in a movie in a long time.

[Cut to Jonah Hill]

Jonah Hill: Well, first of all, crazy roots. Second of all, that’s not really a question, Kyle.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Okay, here’s a question. What’s it like being a movie star? I mean, can you ask one of your friends?

[Cut to Jonah Hill]

Jonah Hill: Ah! It’s really funny, Kyle. I love you videos that you make. They remind me of how much I miss Andy Samberg.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: [yelling] Yeah, I miss your career!

[Cut to Jonah Hill]

Jonah Hill: I hate you so much, Kyle. Anyway, this is my fourth time hosting. So–[cheers and applause] Crazy. So, I thought I’d mix it up and we have an amazing musical guest tonight. Future! I’m such a big fan of Future. I figure I’m such a big fan of Future, let’s forget the monologue and just kick things off with a musical performance by Future featuring Drake.

[Future walks in]

Future: Drake is not here, man!

Jonah Hill: Oh, he’s not? I guess I could do it.

[Jay walks in]

Jay: Oh, no, no. I’ll do it. I’ll do it.

Jonah Hill: Get out of here. Get out of here, Jay. Nobody wants to see that. Anyway, Futs, you were insisting I should do Drake’s part?

Future: I never days that.

Jonah Hill: I guess I do know it. But… we’re gonna do this little rap. I just have one question.

Future: No, you can’t say any of the ‘N’ words.

Jonah Hill: No, of course not. I wouldn’t dream of them. I never sing them.

Future: Even when you’re alone.

Jonah Hill: Let’s do this. Jump man.

[music playing]

[Future start dancing]

[rapping] Yeah
Halloween
Taliban, Taliban
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, them boys up to something
I just found my tempo like I’m DJ mustard
Lobster and celine for all my babies that I miss
Chicken fingers, french fries for them hoes that wanna diss
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman,
Uh, uh, uh think I need some Robitussin

Future: Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman
I just seen the jet take off they up to something

Jonah Hill: We got a great show for you tonight. Future is here.

Future: Them boys just not bluffing them boys just not bluffing
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, them boys up to something