Waitress… Leslie Jones
Jay Carrey… Taran Killam
Persey Carrey… Jim Carrey
John Carrey… Beck Bennett
Rita Patt Carrey… Venessa Bayer
Cable Guy… Jay Pharoah
Aunt Kay… Cecily Strong
Cousin Wayne… Bobby Moynihan
Grandpa Lloyd… Jeff Daniels[Starts with Carrey family reunion in a restaurant.]
Waitress: Here’s your drink Mr. Carrey.
Jim Carrey: Oh, spank you kindly.
Waitress: Enjoy the reunion. You know?
Jim Carrey: Can you really enjoy a reunion?
Waitress: [laughing] You are so crazy, Jim Carrey.[Jay Carrey walks in]
Jay Carrey: Jim!
Jim Carrey: Jay Carey! Oh, my gosh! Great to see you. When did you grow into a man?
Jay Carrey: Well, I started growing in high school and stopped. Right around here.
Jim Carrey: All righty then![cheers and applause]
Jay Carrey: Alrighty then! You remember when I came up with that?
Jim Carrey: I thought I came up with that.
Jay Carrey: [laughing] Agree to disagree. Well, in case I don’t see ya, good afternoon, good evening and good night.[Jay Carrey goes to his table. Persey Carrey comes in.]
Jim Carrey: Can I get another drink?
Persey Carrey: Hey, JIm!
Jim Carrey: Persey Carrey. How are you man? I heard you became and incredible skate boarder.
Persey Carrey: I like it a lot. Sounds familiar. But seriously, I am super into skateboarding. I grind rails, I do ollies, because I’m not a Lahoo-zaher!
Jim Carrey: Alrighty then!
Persey Carrey: Alrighty then![John Carrey and Rita Patt Carrey walk in]
John Carrey and Rita Patt Carrey: Jim!
Jim Carrey: John and Rita Patt Carrey. Oh, my god! Did you guys come all the way from Scarborough for this?
John Carrey: We did! It was a hell of a day trying to get this one out of the bed this morning.
Rita Patt Carrey: John, can I talk to you over here for a second please?[Cut to John Carrey and Rita Patt Carrey. Rita Patt Carrey is speaking like John Carrey and making it seem like her ass is speaking.]
Oh! So, I’m the difficult one?[Cut to Jim Carrey]
Jim Carrey: Guys! Guys! Please, let’s not fight. The Carreys are kind people. Let’s just all relax, have a beer and watch the game. I think the leads are on.[Jim Carrey gets the remote but it’s not working.]
Huh! Looks like the cable’s out. Is there anybody who knows how to fix a cable here?[Cut to Cable Guy]
Cable Guy: I’ll juice you up. Cable Guy![Cut to Jim Carrey]
Jim Carrey: Eddie Taurus? Wow, great to see you. I thought people didn’t like the Cable Guy.[Cut to Cable Guy]
Cable Guy: Well, you know, not at first. People thought I got paid too much. But I’m a real cold classic. Must be nice. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.[Cut to Jim Carrey]
Jim Carrey: It is. It is.[Jay Carrey walks to Jim Carrey]
Oh, Jay! Hey! Good to see you. Is aunt Kay here?
Jay Carrey: Absolutely. She just got out of jail for our son.[Cut to Aunt Kay]
Aunt Kay: And let me tell ya something, I’m still pretty fired up about it.[Cut to Jay Carrey and Jim Carrey]
Jim Carrey: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. She’s nuts. Speaking of fired up, how’s cousin Wayne? That guy is nuts. Where is he?
Jay Carrey: He’s out back on the deck.
Jim Carrey: What’s he doing?[Cut to Cousin Wayne. He’s ‘The Mask’ character.]
Cousin Wayne: Smuffin![Cousin Wayne walks to Jim Carrey]
Jim Carrey: Wow! You look a little green. You should really quit smoking.
Cousin Wayne: Ooh! [showing a cigarette that’s in his hand] Somebody stop me! It’s party time. P-A-R-T-Why?
Jim Carrey: Because I– you gotta?
Cousin Wayne: Yeah! Because I gotta! That’s pretty much why.
Grandpa Lloyd: Watch yourself there you![Grandpa Lloyd walks to Jim Carrey]
Jim Carrey: Grandpa Lloyd. You never look better.
Grandpa Lloyd: Oh, boy! We’re proud of ya Jim boy. You’re probably having a blast with all them Hollywood movies.
Jim Carrey: Yeah, I guess. You know, it’s not all fun. Sometimes, you work with some real jerks. And if there’s a sequel, well, you’re kind of stuck with them.
Grandpa Lloyd: I bet no one’s ever said that about you.
Jim Carrey: Hey!
Grandpa Lloyd: Hey, you wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world.?
Jim Carrey: I don’t think so.[Grandpa Lloyd yells at Jim Carrey in his ears]
Okay, everyone. Hey! Gather around here. A group picture. And a toast to the greatest family that anyone could ever have. To the Carreys.
Everybody: To the Carreys.
Jim Carrey: Ready?[Everyone poses for the picture. Character ‘The Riddler’ joins them]
Everybody: Alrighty then![picture snaps]