Tag: Launches

Weekend Update: Trump Launches NFT Trading Cards, FTX Founder Sam Bankman-Fried’s Arrest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Insiders are saying that the House January 6 committee will refer at least three criminal charges against Donald Trump. But after this week, I think he’s pretty much locked down that insanity place. Semi retired maniac Donald Trump has launched a collection of digital NFT trading cards depicting him in various costumes, including cowboy, superhero and most unbelievable of all, guy who didn’t dodge the draft. I’m honestly just relieved that he’s wearing an American military uniform. It’s such a funny move to get into NFTs after the whole market just crashed. It’s like getting into Kanye now. Which Trump also kind of did.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Sam Bankman-Fried at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Sam Bankman-Fried, the former CEO of the cryptocurrency company FTX was arrested on fraud charges in the Bahamas. I’m gonna guess while swimming in a T-shirt. Prosecutors allege that Bankman-Fried took funds from FTX customers to make large political donations. That money will now be used to make sure the cameras outside his jail cell aren’t working.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden’s seen here giving the eulogy at a pimp’s funeral formally approved new legislation that will guarantee federal protections for same sex and interracial marriages in a signing ceremony held over my grandpa’s dead body.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene who, let’s just face it, is absolutely my type, complained that people can buy butt plugs in target now. She also complained that they melt and are shaped like Santa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Biden also hosted leaders of African countries at the White House for the US African Business Forum. Coincidentally, US African Business Forum is what they call Weekend Update in Nigeria. [Picture changes to Colin Jost and Michael Che in Weekend Update set]

Weekend Update CIA Launches New Podcast Italys New Prime Minister

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of new Royal Monogram at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: British officials have unveiled King Charles III’s new royal monogram. The C stands for Charles, the R is for Rex, and the three is for how many hundreds of yards Prince Andrew has to stay away from schools.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lizzo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: While performing in Washington, pop star Lizzo played a crystal flute on stage that once was owned by James Madison. Huh? So we have had a gay president.

[Picture changes to colorful pills]

The DEA is warning that drug cartels are using rainbow colored fentanyl to target young people for concern parents. Here’s what rainbow fentanyl looks like.

[picture changes to the rapper 6ix 9ine]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of nutrition label at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The White House has introduced a new plan to put nutrition labels on the front instead of the back. So to give you an idea of the overall health of Americans, we’re too lazy to do this. [hand gestures turning a packet]

[picture changes to interior of a train]

It was announced that by 2025 New York will install cameras in every subway car. Hmm. I thought it was illegal to put cameras in bathrooms.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chuck E Cheese’s restaurant at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in Florida say that multiple shots were fired during the fight outside of Chuck E Cheese, but there were no victims located. Hmm, maybe check the pizza? [picture changes to a pizza with human ears instead of meat]

[picture changes to CIA logo]

The CIA is marking its 75th anniversary by launching a podcast and because it’s the CIA, they’re launching it directly into an Afghani wedding.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Giorgio Maloney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New Italian Prime Minister Giorgio Maloney has been accused of spreading white supremacist ideas, which is crazy. We’re now counting Italians as white?

[Cut to Michael Che. here’s a picture of Trombone Champ logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: One of the most popular new video games is trombone champ, which is the Guitar Hero style game for the trombone. Trombone champ is also the nickname of a very popular lady in my neighborhood.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ants at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study says that the combined mass of every ant on Earth is greater than the mass of every Mammal and Bird combined. Thanks mostly to this juicy bitch. [picture changes to an ant with fat butt]