Podcast Set

Phil… John Mulaney

[Starts with a bunch of guys at the office laughing]

Andrew: It’s not gonna be the same working here without you, Phil.

Phil: I’m gonna miss you guys.

Mikey: Truly sucks you’re getting fired just ’cause people can’t take jokes anymore.

Phil: I guess I should’ve just deleted my old podcast the moment I got the promotion.

Andrew: It’s just not fair. So now we can’t even use the N word to describe people anymore?

James: Guess not.

Kyle: Well, uh, we all chipped in and, uh, we got you something, Phil.

[Starts the commercial of small toy podcast set]

Female voice: Introducing the new FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys. Now you can shout every crazy thought in your head without ruining your life. It doesn’t record anything at all.

Phil: Wait. I probably shouldn’t podcast anymore. I promised my bitch wife that I’d–

Mikey: Phil, we’re white guys. We need to be able to say every dumb thing into a microphone and not get in trouble.

Kyle: It’s just how God made us.

Female voice: The new FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys comes with a mic, headphones, and a soundboard that doesn’t record [bleep].

[Cut to Phil doing his podcast]

Phil: Welcome back to “The Mind Dojo.” I’m Phil, and we got a ton of stuff to get into today.

Female voice: Plus, a battery life of three hours, minimum, so you and your inflatable cohost can rant about everything you want, like sports.

Phil: I mean, when you think about it, I’m blacker than Colin Kaepernick.

[Phil presses a button.]

Recorded voice: Ha-ha-ha. That’s so funny, man.

Female voice: Entertainment.

Phil: If there was a show called “Whiteish”, the left would lose their minds.

[Phil presses another button]

Recorded voice: Ha-ha-ha. You’re so right, totally.

Female voice: And science.

Phil: Sorry, Big Pharma. I’m not just gonna put some crap in my body without doing my own research first. Anyway, today’s podcast is sponsored by Diamond Hog Male Enhancement Gummies. Look, guys, I don’t know what’s in this stuff, but it works. If you want to get as hard as a diamond–

Heidi: What the hell are you doing?

Phil: It’s not what you think.

Heidi: You promised we wouldn’t podcast any more.

Phil: This is the new FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys. It doesn’t record.

Heidi: FisherPrice? So it’s a toy?

Phil: Yep, and I can say whatever I want now, and I can never get canceled. Even the Nword.

Heidi: Why do you need to do that?

Phil: Because if I don’t, they win.

Heidi: Who’s they?

Phil: All of them! We can’t let them beat us.

Heidi: Wait. Is that camera on?

[Phil is actually streaming live]

Phil: Yes.

Heidi: So you are recording this.

Phil: Just for my livestream.

Heidi: Yeah, that doesn’t make sense.

Phil: How else am I supposed to get donations, Sharon?

Female voice: New FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys. Get yours wherever tactical gear is sold. Ages 34 and up.

Weekend Update- Bruce Springsteen and Barack Obama on Their Podcast Renegades

Michael Che

Barack Obama… Chris Redd

Bruce Springsteen… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, Spotify released the final released a final episode of its podcast, ‘Renegade’, a series of conversation with former president Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen. Here to discuss are Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen.

[Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen slide in]

Bruce Springsteen: Hey, Michael Che!

Michael Che: Welcome, Mr. President and and Mr. Springsteen. So, you two have a podcast together. That’s surprising.

Barack Obama: That’s right, Michael. Bruce and I thought it was important for us to come together and do a podcast about the big stuff. Race, identity, you know. Yes.

Bruce Springsteen: It goes down easy. It’s just two close friends having a conversation.

Barack Obama: Yes.

Michael Che: That’s very cool. I didn’t realize you two were friends like that.

Barack Obama: You know, we really were. You may remember, I was president.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah, and I played a little rock n’ roll music. [singing] On a board walk, yeah!

Barack Obama: Turns up, we got a good thing going. Me and Bruce got a good thing goine.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah. It’s electric.

Michael Che: Really, I guess I can’t totally picture the two of you ripping on a podcast.

Barack Obama: Oh, we rip. You never know what’s going to come out of my mouth. I’ll rip right now.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah, let’s rip.

Barack Obama: I have no idea what I’m going to say. This is classing berry. Watch this.

Bruce Springsteen: Straight off the cuff. Yeah.

Barack Obama: Hey, Bruce. How you doing, man?

Bruce Springsteen: You know, not bad. I’ve been good. Yeah.

Barack Obama: I like that. That’s good.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah. It sure is. And yourself?

Barack Obama: Can’t complain. You know.

Michael Che: That’s it?

Barack Obama: We’re just warming up.

Bruce Springsteen: Breathe, Che. You gotta little breathe.

Barack Obama: Oh, Bruce. Best soda in the world, go.

Bruce Springsteen: Sprite!

Barack Obama: Sprite? Come on, man. You can’t be serious.

Bruce Springsteen: I like Sprite. Sorry man.

Barack Obama: See, that’s crazing me. You can’t go around liking Sprite. You’re the boss. See Michael? That was totally off the cuff.

Bruce Springsteen: Not bad, huh?

Michael Che: I mean, not good.

Barack Obama: That Sprite thing was great.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah. I think so too.

Michael Che: I don’t know, man. For such interesting people, it kind of sounds like just two guys talking.

Barack Obama: Exactly.

Bruce Springsteen: It’s a podcast.

Barack Obama: Come on, Che. You feel like the president can’t rip?

Bruce Springsteen: He can rip. He can rip.

Barack Obama: Check this out. Bruce, so, I’m walking yesterday, right? What do I see on the sidewalk?

Bruce Springsteen: Tell me man. Yeah.

Barack Obama: Bunch of strawberries. It’s piled up. Pretty unusual.

Bruce Springsteen: Whoa!

Barack Obama: I took a picture, sent it right to my daughters. No response.

Bruce Springsteen: Oh, come on. That’s crazy, man!

Barack Obama: Anyway…

Michael Che: [shocked] That was it? Bruce Springsteen and former president Barack Obama.

Bruce Springsteen: Give it up respect.