Tag: Podcast

Weekend Update CIA Launches New Podcast Italys New Prime Minister

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of new Royal Monogram at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: British officials have unveiled King Charles III’s new royal monogram. The C stands for Charles, the R is for Rex, and the three is for how many hundreds of yards Prince Andrew has to stay away from schools.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lizzo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: While performing in Washington, pop star Lizzo played a crystal flute on stage that once was owned by James Madison. Huh? So we have had a gay president.

[Picture changes to colorful pills]

The DEA is warning that drug cartels are using rainbow colored fentanyl to target young people for concern parents. Here’s what rainbow fentanyl looks like.

[picture changes to the rapper 6ix 9ine] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of nutrition label at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The White House has introduced a new plan to put nutrition labels on the front instead of the back. So to give you an idea of the overall health of Americans, we’re too lazy to do this. [hand gestures turning a packet] [picture changes to interior of a train]

It was announced that by 2025 New York will install cameras in every subway car. Hmm. I thought it was illegal to put cameras in bathrooms.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chuck E Cheese’s restaurant at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in Florida say that multiple shots were fired during the fight outside of Chuck E Cheese, but there were no victims located. Hmm, maybe check the pizza? [picture changes to a pizza with human ears instead of meat] [picture changes to CIA logo]

The CIA is marking its 75th anniversary by launching a podcast and because it’s the CIA, they’re launching it directly into an Afghani wedding.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Giorgio Maloney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New Italian Prime Minister Giorgio Maloney has been accused of spreading white supremacist ideas, which is crazy. We’re now counting Italians as white?

[Cut to Michael Che. here’s a picture of Trombone Champ logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: One of the most popular new video games is trombone champ, which is the Guitar Hero style game for the trombone. Trombone champ is also the nickname of a very popular lady in my neighborhood.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ants at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study says that the combined mass of every ant on Earth is greater than the mass of every Mammal and Bird combined. Thanks mostly to this juicy bitch. [picture changes to an ant with fat butt]

Podcast Set

Phil… John Mulaney

[Starts with a bunch of guys at the office laughing]

Andrew: It’s not gonna be the same working here without you, Phil.

Phil: I’m gonna miss you guys.

Mikey: Truly sucks you’re getting fired just ’cause people can’t take jokes anymore.

Phil: I guess I should’ve just deleted my old podcast the moment I got the promotion.

Andrew: It’s just not fair. So now we can’t even use the N word to describe people anymore?

James: Guess not.

Kyle: Well, uh, we all chipped in and, uh, we got you something, Phil.

[Starts the commercial of small toy podcast set]

Female voice: Introducing the new FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys. Now you can shout every crazy thought in your head without ruining your life. It doesn’t record anything at all.

Phil: Wait. I probably shouldn’t podcast anymore. I promised my bitch wife that I’d–

Mikey: Phil, we’re white guys. We need to be able to say every dumb thing into a microphone and not get in trouble.

Kyle: It’s just how God made us.

Female voice: The new FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys comes with a mic, headphones, and a soundboard that doesn’t record [bleep].

[Cut to Phil doing his podcast]

Phil: Welcome back to “The Mind Dojo.” I’m Phil, and we got a ton of stuff to get into today.

Female voice: Plus, a battery life of three hours, minimum, so you and your inflatable cohost can rant about everything you want, like sports.

Phil: I mean, when you think about it, I’m blacker than Colin Kaepernick.

[Phil presses a button.]

Recorded voice: Ha-ha-ha. That’s so funny, man.

Female voice: Entertainment.

Phil: If there was a show called “Whiteish”, the left would lose their minds.

[Phil presses another button]

Recorded voice: Ha-ha-ha. You’re so right, totally.

Female voice: And science.

Phil: Sorry, Big Pharma. I’m not just gonna put some crap in my body without doing my own research first. Anyway, today’s podcast is sponsored by Diamond Hog Male Enhancement Gummies. Look, guys, I don’t know what’s in this stuff, but it works. If you want to get as hard as a diamond–

Heidi: What the hell are you doing?

Phil: It’s not what you think.

Heidi: You promised we wouldn’t podcast any more.

Phil: This is the new FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys. It doesn’t record.

Heidi: FisherPrice? So it’s a toy?

Phil: Yep, and I can say whatever I want now, and I can never get canceled. Even the Nword.

Heidi: Why do you need to do that?

Phil: Because if I don’t, they win.

Heidi: Who’s they?

Phil: All of them! We can’t let them beat us.

Heidi: Wait. Is that camera on?

[Phil is actually streaming live]

Phil: Yes.

Heidi: So you are recording this.

Phil: Just for my livestream.

Heidi: Yeah, that doesn’t make sense.

Phil: How else am I supposed to get donations, Sharon?

Female voice: New FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys. Get yours wherever tactical gear is sold. Ages 34 and up.

Weekend Update- Bruce Springsteen and Barack Obama on Their Podcast Renegades

Michael Che

Barack Obama… Chris Redd

Bruce Springsteen… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, Spotify released the final released a final episode of its podcast, ‘Renegade’, a series of conversation with former president Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen. Here to discuss are Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen.

[Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen slide in]

Bruce Springsteen: Hey, Michael Che!

Michael Che: Welcome, Mr. President and and Mr. Springsteen. So, you two have a podcast together. That’s surprising.

Barack Obama: That’s right, Michael. Bruce and I thought it was important for us to come together and do a podcast about the big stuff. Race, identity, you know. Yes.

Bruce Springsteen: It goes down easy. It’s just two close friends having a conversation.

Barack Obama: Yes.

Michael Che: That’s very cool. I didn’t realize you two were friends like that.

Barack Obama: You know, we really were. You may remember, I was president.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah, and I played a little rock n’ roll music. [singing] On a board walk, yeah!

Barack Obama: Turns up, we got a good thing going. Me and Bruce got a good thing goine.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah. It’s electric.

Michael Che: Really, I guess I can’t totally picture the two of you ripping on a podcast.

Barack Obama: Oh, we rip. You never know what’s going to come out of my mouth. I’ll rip right now.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah, let’s rip.

Barack Obama: I have no idea what I’m going to say. This is classing berry. Watch this.

Bruce Springsteen: Straight off the cuff. Yeah.

Barack Obama: Hey, Bruce. How you doing, man?

Bruce Springsteen: You know, not bad. I’ve been good. Yeah.

Barack Obama: I like that. That’s good.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah. It sure is. And yourself?

Barack Obama: Can’t complain. You know.

Michael Che: That’s it?

Barack Obama: We’re just warming up.

Bruce Springsteen: Breathe, Che. You gotta little breathe.

Barack Obama: Oh, Bruce. Best soda in the world, go.

Bruce Springsteen: Sprite!

Barack Obama: Sprite? Come on, man. You can’t be serious.

Bruce Springsteen: I like Sprite. Sorry man.

Barack Obama: See, that’s crazing me. You can’t go around liking Sprite. You’re the boss. See Michael? That was totally off the cuff.

Bruce Springsteen: Not bad, huh?

Michael Che: I mean, not good.

Barack Obama: That Sprite thing was great.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah. I think so too.

Michael Che: I don’t know, man. For such interesting people, it kind of sounds like just two guys talking.

Barack Obama: Exactly.

Bruce Springsteen: It’s a podcast.

Barack Obama: Come on, Che. You feel like the president can’t rip?

Bruce Springsteen: He can rip. He can rip.

Barack Obama: Check this out. Bruce, so, I’m walking yesterday, right? What do I see on the sidewalk?

Bruce Springsteen: Tell me man. Yeah.

Barack Obama: Bunch of strawberries. It’s piled up. Pretty unusual.

Bruce Springsteen: Whoa!

Barack Obama: I took a picture, sent it right to my daughters. No response.

Bruce Springsteen: Oh, come on. That’s crazy, man!

Barack Obama: Anyway…

Michael Che: [shocked] That was it? Bruce Springsteen and former president Barack Obama.

Bruce Springsteen: Give it up respect.