George Stephanopoulos… Mikey Day
Lindsey Davis… Ego Nwodim
David Meur… Alex Moffat
Tom Steyer… Pete Davidson
Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch
Bernie Sanders… Larry David
Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis
Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon
Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost
Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang
Mike Bloomberg… Fred Armisen
[Starts with Democratic Debate intro]
Male voice: From Manchester, New Hampshire, it’s the Democratic Debate.
[Cut to the Democratic Debate]
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to George]
George: Good evening and welcome to the Democratic Debate. I’m George Stephanopoulos. [Cut to David, Lindsey and George] And joining me for optics is Lindsey Davis and David Meur.
Lindsey: Thank you.
David: Thank you, George.
George: Okay, that’s enough. Wow, what a week it has been for American politics. Iowa was a disaster. President Trump has gotten Super Saiyan since his acquittal. And now it’s up to New Hampshire to start turning things around for the democrats. So, let’s meet our future MSNBC contributors.
[Cut to the podiums. The participants of the debate walk to the podiums.]
Billionaire Tom Steyer. Minnesota senator Amy Klobuchar, senator Vermont Bernie Sanders, Former vice President Joe Biden, Massachusetts senator Elizabeth Warren, former South bend Indiana mayor Pete Buttigieg and Andrew Yang.
[Cut to Andrew Yang confused]
[Cut to George]
Vice president Biden, let’s start with you. Are you at all concerned about your poor performance in Iowa?
[Cut to Joe Biden]
Joe Biden: You know? I’ll be honest. Losing Iowa was a real kick in the nuts. Alright? But I am not worried at all because, you know, by the time we get to south Cackalacky, Joe Biden’s gonna do what Joe Biden does best. Creep up from behind! Just when you think your lead is safe, my numbers are gonna sneak up and surprise you with a nice sweet kiss on the neck.
[Cut to George]
George: Um, mayor Pete, you initially claimed victory in Iowa and then senator Sanders claimed victory a few days later leading to some major in fighting. Who do you think really won?
[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]
Pete Buttigeig: Um, Donald Trump.
[Cut to George]
George: Um, I mean out of the democrats.
[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]
Pete Buttigeig: Oh! Oh! Then, I guess me.
[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: I still can’t believe all this mess happened in Iowa. [cheers and applause] I can’t believe all this mess happened in Iowa because of an app. Hey, I have an idea for an app. It’s call ‘No Apps’. No apps, no computers, no gadgets no gizmos. You show up to your polling place, take a number like you do with the butcher, they call you ticket, you walk up to the counter and say to the guy, “Give me your pound or whatever’s about to go bad.”
[Cut to Andrew Yang]
Andrew Yang: Oh, the issue in Iowa was math! Oh, I wonder who they could have called to help them out with that? [showing his pin on his coat that says ‘MATH’] Oh, what? I mean, because of my pin racist!
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]
[cheers and applause]
Elizabeth Warren: I don’t wanna talk about Iowa anymore. Let’s talk about the hearing now. Alright? I am very confident about my chances in New Hampshire. I tend to really connect with New England moms who own big dogs, baca fleece vests, Joe Biden days out of week. Look, New Hampshire, your state border might be kissing Vermont, but you ass is resting on Massachusetts. So, come on over and fill up the gap.
[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]
[cheers and applause]
Amy Klobuchar: I just wanna add that senator Warren is not the only sensible candidate standing here before you. You are looking at the other half of New York times endorsement. But guess what? Elizabeth is J-Lo and I am Shakira. And so, to Donald Trump I say, [making funny teasing noise] .
[Cut to Tom Steyer with his right hand raised]
Tom Steyer: I have my hand up now. I would like to talk please. Notice me? Thank you.
[Cut to George]
George: Okay, go ahead.
[Cut to Tom Steyer]
Tom Steyer: Um, I just want to say that I love everybody here. I mean, I agree with all of them. You know, everybody. All of you. I’m sorry, I’m tripping balls right now.
[Cut to George]
George: Alright. Let’s take a quick word from our sponsor tonight. [advertising] Bloomberg. [Mike Bloomberg’s picture appears at the bottom of the screen. And there’s a written ‘mike BLOOMBERG 2020.] Are you a registered democrat thinking, “These can’t be my only choices, then try Bloomberg. He is not as short as Trump is fat.
[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: I’m not an out of touch billionaire like Bloomberg. Sure, I’ve been taking a private jet to campaign events. But I do that for my fellow passengers. Believe me. You don’t want to sit next to me on a plane. I’m a middle seat guy and get up to use the bathroom minimum six times between Des Moines and Manchester. I bring leftovers from home that stink up the plane. And if you think I’m loud when I talk, you should hear me chew.
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]
Elizabeth Warren: No, no, no, no, no. You’re not gonna out-poor me, alright? My campaign is broke as hell. My biggest contributions are the pennies from loafers and whatever the concerned moms of Bernie bros can afford.
[Cut to Lindsey]
Lindsey: Okay. This is my favorite part of the debate where we ask about winning the black vote. I’m gonna start with you, mayor Pete.
[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]
Pete Buttigeig: Oh, man! Look, people say I’m not very popular among minorities. They’ve been referring to me as mayo Pete. But I assure you I am not that spicy.
[Cut to Joe Biden]
Joe Biden: Hey! Hey! Um, look, speaking of the black vote, that reminds me of a little underdog story. And, spoiler alert, it’s a long one. Alright? The year was nineteen hundred rata-tat-tat, okay? And I am straighting through the rough part of Wilmington DE when suddenly, I come across four gentlemen from the isle of Jamaica. Now I’m talking these fellas are dark as night, okay? Before they can make their first move though, I toss them, all four of them right into a cardboard box and I roll them down the hill. And that is how I gave Jamaica it’s first bobsledding.
[Cut to Andrew Yang]
Andrew Yang: Alright, people! It’s simple. If you want black people to like you, give them $1,000. It’s been working for me since high school.
[Cut to Tom Steyer. His right hand is raised.]
Tom Steyer: Hey, my hand’s up again. Um, I’m just gonna come out and say it, I am 100% for reparations.
[Cut to Lindsey]
Lindsey: Alright, but in what way?
[Cut to Tom Steyer]
Tom Steyer: I don’t know. But that guy’s with me.
[Cut to the audience focusing on Kenan. He doesn’t know what Tom Steyer is talking about.]
[Cut to George]
George: Alright, let’s hear your closing statements. Senator Klobuchar.
[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]
Amy Klobuchar: Um, why am I not doing better? I am the most reasonable person on stage. Instead of tearing democrats down, I get along with everyone up here. Um, baby knot, chompers, slender man. And I know you’re probably surprised to see me on this stage still. But I am Amy Klobuchar, I am here. I am square. Get used to it!
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]
Elizabeth Warren: Well, listen. Bottom line, I know a lot of people like me but they’re worried about if I’m electable. I have a great solution for that. Elect me. It’s that simple. You can trust this face. This is me on LinkedIn, Facebook, IG and michaelscraftstore.com.
[Cut to George]
George: Senator Sanders.
[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: Okay. I don’t know how or why it happened. But I am the king of an army of internet trolls called Bernie Bros. Could I stop them in their tracks? Of course. Should I? Yes. Will I? Nay! Hillary Clinton says nobody likes me. Let me ask you this. The how come I’m the most popular guy Fortune?
[Cut to George]
George: Mayor Pete.
[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]
Pete Buttigeig: Look, I know corruption is a problem in this country. I know big business controls too much of Washington. I know democrats don’t want another candidate with massive corporate donors. And I know that I sound like a bot that has studied human behavior by watching 100 hours of Obama speeches. So, let’s get #WhiteObama trending. And please, please, not ironically. Thank you.
[Cut to Andrew Yang]
Andrew Yang: Look, I tried to tell you guys the robots are coming, Yang gang 2020! Let’s get this shmoney!
[Cut to George]
George: Mr. Steyer.
[Cut to Tom Steyer]
Tom Steyer: You know, I didn’t come here to make friends. But dammit, I made some great ones. [sobbing] It’s been an honor, ladies and gentlemen.
[Cut to George]
George: Okay. Mr. Biden, you have 60 seconds.
[Cut to Joe Biden]
Joe Biden: What? No, the doctors said I had six to eight months.
[Cut to George]
George: No! I meant for your closing statement.
[Cut to Joe Biden]
Joe Biden: Oh! Okay. Alright, alright. Well, then I guess there’s only one thing left to say.
[Everybody comes in]
Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!