The Phrase That Pays

Dan Smatter… James Austin Johnson

Beth… Heidi Gardner

Troy… Austin Butler

Evie… Evie Johnson

[Starts with Dan Smatter in his show set]

Dan Smatter: Hey everybody, I’m Dan Smatter, and welcome to another great round of ‘The Phrase That Pays’. The game where three players can find the  missing letters in our word puzzles for big big prizes.

[Beth presses the buzzer.]

Yes?

Beth: So this is the wheel of fortune but with no wheel?

Dan Smatter: Don’t do that. That’s not nice. We have three great contestants, Evie, Troy and Beth. We don’t really have time for a fun fact from everybody. So I don’t know. Why don’t you just go down the line and tell everyone your ages.

Evie: Really? Okay. 36.

Troy: 34.

Beth: No.

Dan Smatter: Great. Let’s look at the first puzzle. The category is song. And Evie, let’s start with you.

Evie: Well, my favorite letter is B because I’m a bad one. But I’m gonna save that for later in the game. For now, let’s just go with T.

Dan Smatter: There is one T. You’ve got five seconds to solve.

Evie: Oh. Mama. Mama said… Mama. Mama whale. Mama can… Mama did a… Mama will…

[buzzer sound]

Dan Smatter: I’m sorry Evie. It’s not that. It’s not anything mamma. Troy, you’re up?

Troy: Okay. It’s not Hotel California is it?

[It’s right answer.]

Dan Smatter: Wow. Alright. Troy, I thought you were gonna get another letter but you went and solved the whole thing. How do you do that?

Troy: Well…

Beth: Yeah. How did you do that?

Troy: Well, you said it was a song and Hotel California is a song. So I thought maybe it was Hotel California.

Dan Smatter: Well, you’ve banked $1,000. Here’s our next puzzle. The category is books. And we’ll start with Beth.

Beth: Okay, I got a lot of letters going through my mind right now. Trying to think of a common one. How about X?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Dan Smatter: Sorry Beth, but there’s no X.

Beth: Yes there is, I see one right there. [pointing at a cross on the screen]

Dan Smatter: Oh, that just comes up when you make a wrong guess. That is a little confusing. Evie, you’re up.

Evie: Okay, I’m not ready use my B just yet. But is there a C?

Dan Smatter: There’s one scene. You’ve got five seconds.

Evie: Okay. Mama won’t… Daddy. Daddy will? Daddy mama did?

[buzzer]

Dan Smatter: Sorry Evie, time’s up.

Evie: I was so close.

Dan Smatter: Not even in the ballpark. Troy?

Troy: Is it ‘All the lights We Cannot See’ by Anthony Doerr?

Dan Smatter: Amazing. Are you a book lover, Troy?

Troy: No, actually, I haven’t done that yet.

Dan Smatter: Write a book?

Troy: It’s on my list.

Beth: Okay, something’s not right here.

Dan Smatter: You’re right. We need a new puzzle because Troy’s on a roll, and Troy, your category is famous quotes.

Troy: Well, my favorite letter is B because I’m a bad one.

Evie: What’s?

Troy: So I’m gonna say B.

Dan Smatter: Five seconds.

Troy: Wow, I’m completely stumped. Yeah, I have no idea. My mind is a total blank. I give up.

[Right answer bell. The answer is actually what he just said.]

Dan Smatter: Oh my God. That’s right.

Beth: What? That is not a famous quote.

Dan Smatter: Yes, it is. It says here Benjamin Franklin said it when he was trying to think of the light bulb.

Beth: Okay, well, that’s not right. And he’s cheating. He’s got a device in his ass like that chess player.

Troy: No, I don’t.

Dan Smatter: Okay, okay. We have time for one more category which is medicine. Like to guess, Beth? Or would you rather come play?

Beth: Fine, I’ll play. And I gotta go with my gut, X.

Dan Smatter: There’s no X.

Beth: Yes there is. [pointing at the cross on screen]

Dan Smatter: No there isn’t. Troy. The categories medicine.

Troy: Oh, well, I don’t know anything about that. Is it Ellen Pompeo feel super happy after Grey’s Anatomy exit? [It’s the right answer]

Beth: Okay, no. He is definitely cheating and there’s an ‘X’ in that.

Dan Smatter: What? Oh yeah. Sorry. Who cares? Well, we’ll be right back with more Phrase that Pays.

Weekend Update Pays Tribute to Norm Macdonald

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a chimpanzee at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Researchers in Uganda have observed a chimpanzee masturbating with a plastic bottle. Once full, the bottle was capped and sold as Dasani. [Picture changes to Dasani] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Eminem at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During the opening day of Eminem’s new Detroit restaurant, the rapper surprised guests by serving them pasta himself. Not to be outdone, [picture changes to Macklemore wearing Olive Garden staff dress serving tea] Macklemore got fired from the Olive Garden.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Barack Obama has been criticized by Chicago residents who claim that his new presidential library will lead to gentrification. For me, it’s another painful reminder that Obama is half white.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Onlyfans logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Colorado woman who posts on Onlyfans said that praying before sex with her husband allows her to experience a threesome with god. A threesome that doesn’t end until thy kingdom comes.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Well guys, it is a bitter sweet night for us tonight.

Michael Che: Yes. On September 14th, our friend Norm Macdonald passed away.

Colin Jost: Right. Norm is the reason that I ever wanted to do Weekend Update and so tonight, we thought we turn the last few jokes of Update over to Norm.

[Cut to old videos of Norm Macdonald]

Norm Macdonald: Thanks. I’m Norm Macdonald and this is the Fake News. At the White House this week, president Clinton officially came out against same sex marriages. What’s more? The president said he is not too crazy about opposite sex marriages either.

A new airport plan for San Diego would actually be located three miles out in the pacific ocean. Built on 40xMichael Che0 ft. floating cylinders. It’s all part of a plan by city officials to have a huge disaster.

A French man who calls himself the Snake Man was arrested this week after climbing up the side of a Manhattan high rise. Yes, he climbed right up the side of a high rise… just like a snake.

In a brilliant move during closing argument Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran put on a knit cap prosecutor saying O.J. wore the night he committed the murders. Although O.J. may have heard his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey, easy with that. That’s my lucky stabbing hat.”

And that’s the way it is, folks. Goodnight and good luck.