Mr. H… Kenan Thompson
Gerald… John Mulaney
Meghan… Melissa Villaseñor
Lance… Alex Moffat
Principal Anderson… Leslie Jones[Starts with Mr. H talking to a class.]
Mr. H: Alright, class. I know you’re all participating in today’s walkout. I just wanna say, I support you.
Gerald: Thanks, Mr. H. We’re gonna join millions of students who are standing up for what’s right.
Meghan: Gerald, it’s been so cool organizing our school’s protest with you.
Gerald: Yeah. I had a great time with you too, Meghan.
Meghan: Yeah. I think we make a great team.[Meghan rub’s Gerald’s shoulder.]
Gerald: Oh, no. Don’t make the eye contact and rub the shoulder at once. Okay. [looks down at his pants. He gets a boner.] It’s happening.
Kyle: It’s 12 o’clock. Everybody stand up.[Everyone stands up.]
Gerald: No, wait. Maybe we shouldn’t stand up right now.
Heidi: You don’t wanna stand up against gun violence?
Gerald: Not at this specific moment. When I’m wearing my shorts.
Meghan: Gerald, what’s wrong? We had a plan [everyone takes seat] Let’s do just like you said. Let’s stand tall and walk out leading with our pelvis.
Gerald: I hate that I was so specific. Okay, new idea. Instead of doing a walkout, how about we do a lie down?
Luke: A lie down? How does that work?
Gerald: Well, to protest, we all face down on the floor and then we writhe around a little until it’s gone.
Mr. H: Kids, I don’t know what ‘s going on with Gerald, but I thought the room would be empty by now. And I timed my e-cig break for the walkout. So, walk out.[Gerald looks at his pants again]
Gerald: Wait, I think my problem’s going away.
Luke: That’s great man![Luke taps on Gerald’s shoulder]
Gerald: And it’s back. And I learned something about myself.
Aidy: I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on with Gerald.
Gerald: Oh, on. What have you got? Like, a side view or something?
Aidy: Gerald thinks that the media has been giving all the coverage to white schools.
Gerald: Oh, yes. I like this. Yes.
Aidy: Ignoring the people of color who face violence at higher incidents.
Gerald: Yes, they do face that. Keep talking. This is good. This is good.
Aidy: Great! Then, Gerald, you lead this dialog on race. Stand up without holding books or jackets in front of you and you march straight down to Thurgood Marshall Public High and you say, “Fellas, I know this thing is hard and upsetting and it’s pretty darn crooked, but if we roll up our sleeves, we can beat it together.”
Gerald: [shaking his head] I’m gonna pass.
Kate: Listen, friends. I know I’m just a foreign exchange student but Sweden, we have no guns, no shootings and no sunlight. We sit year around in total darkness eating fish that is rotten on purpose. So, America should just become like Sweden. And ice covered nation of 1,200 people and one giant.
Meghan: Anyway, come on, guys. If we don’t band together, what’s next? Training teachers to use firearms?
Mr. H: Okay. I’ll get right on that. In addition to teaching history, gym and then driving you all home on the bus, I’m spread so thin, I’ve had to teach myself to micro nap. [Mr. H takes a micro nap, snoring, wakes up in few seconds.] Seat belts![Heidi stands]
Heidi: [acting very furious] Isn’t anyone worried that this walkout could go us in trouble? This could go on my permanent record. I won’t get into an Ivy League school. My mother will disown me because I’m not my perfect sister who died. [smiling and talking calmly] And that’s the monologue I’m using to audition for the theater program at Connecticut College in New London.[Everybody clapping]
Gerald: Look, guys, I support the walkout. Just not today.
Pete: Yeah, I gotta agree. Nobody told me this was happening in 4-20. And frankly, I’m double booked.
Lance: I know why Gerald’s sitting. Coz he’s not a snowflake.
Gerald: Oh, no, Lance.
Lance: Yes, Lance. Equal time. I’ll never forget the first time my old man took me hunting. I was such a baby. I wanted to stay home wrapping towel around my waist to play lady restaurant. Instead, he dragged me weeping into the woods and made me stand there in the rain holding an AR-15 until I turned a gopher into red dust. Two years later, when I finally spoke again, I said, “Guns.”[Mr. H looks shocked]
Mr. H: Lance, would you like to see the counselor?
Lance: Oh, yeah.[Lance walks out]
Meghan: Gerald, come on. Do you really wanna leave policy up to a bunch of old white guys?
Gerald: No. I don’t even like old people. I don’t think they should be allowed to vote. I mean, I don’t mean to cause trouble but you don’t get to order for the table if you’re about to leave the restaurant.
Kyle: That’s ageist! That really offends me. I work at a home for the elderly. And I go every Tuesday. And I hold their frail hands. And some of them, their skin is paper thin. Their cartilage like firm jelly. And underneath, you can feel their bones.
Gerald: [looking down at his pants] Oh, keep going. The problem’s going away. Okay. We can walk in three, two– Oh! Hi, principal Anderson.
Principal Anderson: Every other classroom is outside. What’s going on in here?
Gerald: Sorry, I had to delay us a little bit.[Principal Anderson walks to Gerald]
Principal Anderson: Oh, so you’re the trouble maker, huh? You’re the little bad boy. Huh?
Gerald: Oh! It sits back with a vengence.
Principal Anderson: You’re the naughty, naughty, naughty, nasty– Hold on. I got to step on this bug with my stiletto heels.
Gerald: And it took care of itself the other way. Alright, let’s walk out, everybody.[The End]