Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 4
75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips
NBC Super Season
Roberts…..Rene Auberjonois
Bob…..Albert Brooks
[FADE IN on a blue background over which the following captions appear: THE THREE OF US in the center, MEDICAL SEASON on the left, and BLACK VET on the right. A fast-paced, horn-laced theme song plays, typical of 1970s TV network promotion jingles. A chorus of male and female voices sings along.]
Singers: Weve got a super season on NBC! Super season! Youre gonna like it a lot!
[Like blocks, still photos of scenes from each show stack up in a grid.]
Announcer: Even a super season has super failures! Thats why, at NBC, weve got super replacements!
[The screen slowly fills up with photos.]
Announcer: Here are just a few of the new shows waiting in the wings!
[CUT to exterior of a hospital while dramatic horns pulsate in the background. The caption Medical Season appears in the upper left-hand corner as three people walk down the sidewalk in front of the building.]
Announcer: Medical Season!
[CUT to hospital orderlies wheeling a gurney down a hallway, then CUT to an ambulance pulling up toward emergency room doors.]
Announcer: Real stories! Real people! Real action! And reality was never like this!
[CUT to an older gentleman in a suit with combed-back gray hair and dark-rimmed glasses. He sits behind a desk and speaks to a young woman with her hair piled up in a bun.]
Senior Doctor: [in heavy accent] At best, Id say you have a year to live.
Woman: [unemotionally] I know. I overheard you tell Dr. Franklin.
Senior Doctor: [outraged] You already knew, and you made me go through the agony of telling you this? You are an inconsiderate and thoughtless woman.
[CUT to Dr. Franklin, a young, Chad-Everett type in a gray suit walking out of the hospital with a red-haired, bearded man, wearing a black 70s leisure suit and smoking a cigarette.]
Roberts: If shes in pain, then dammit, DONT keep her alive.
Dr. Franklin: [stolidly] Shes not in pain. Your wife will be fine until she dies.
Roberts: [angrily] She should not be allowed to LIVE if shes going to die like this!
Dr. Franklin: Well, youre gonna die, Mr. Roberts. Youre allowed to live.
Roberts: [pulls on cigarette] Im not going to die within a year, doctor!
Dr. Franklin: How do you know?
[The young doctor stops and faces Roberts.]
Dr. Franklin: You could be hit by a car driving home today! Roberts: Im not GOING home today.
[Roberts stalks off as Dr. Franklin glares angrily after him. CUT to the senior doctor from the first scene accompanied by Dr. Franklin. A nurse is pushing a gurney with a young long-haired man on it down a hallway.]
Dr. Franklin: But its unneccessary! This man does not need surgery!
Senior Doctor: [accented] Hes already paid for it, and weve already spent the money.
[CUT to the same two doctors outside. The older doctor sits behind the wheel of a red sports convertible while Dr. Franklin leans on the door and stares angrily in his face.]
Dr. Franklin: Youre the man in charge! If you go on vacation during this crisis, youll lose the respect of every doctor who works for you!
Senior Doctor: I have weighed this decision most carefully. Ill see you in a week.
[He waves bye-bye and pulls away in the car. CUT to a middle-aged man in a turtleneck leaning over a long-haired woman in a chair and talking intensely to her.]
Man: Youre not really in love with me. You just THINK you are. It happens all the time, Leslie. Patients think theyre in love with their doctors, but they never really are.
[CUT to a dramatic closeup of the man as he turns his head and snarls bitterly.]
Man: They SUCK the doctors into believing them. The doctors do… and then the doctors get DUMPED!!
[CUT to a long-haired blonde nurse, sitting behind a long, high desk and talking on the telephone. Blocks on the wall above her spell out the word REHAB.]
Nurse: [in a tired voice] I am a registered nurse… NOT a registered prostitute.
[CUT to an ambulance van pulling up to the emergency room with sirens blaring and strobes flashing.]
Announcer: Medical Season! 9 out of 10 doctors agree: if this show gets on the air, watch out! It just might be habit-forming!
[The ambulance stops at the emergency room doors. A man gets out of the passenger front seat, walks around the front of the van, and opens the drivers door. He helps the driver out and gingerly leads him inside.]
[CUT to a shot of a tall, long building with CENTURY CITY in the left corner. Cooler horn music plays, overlaid with a bit of 70s slide guitar. CUT to shots of Judys, MAGNIN, and other store signs. CUT to a man and two women walking arm-in-arm down a city sidewalk. Albert Brooks is the husband, and the woman on the left bears a striking resemblance to Susan Dey.]
Announcer: The Three of Us!
[SUPERIMPOSE title in the middle of the screen.]
Announcer: The wildest new comedy youve ever seen!
[FLASH shots of a store window, a BIJOU movie marquee, and then a sign which says VIBRATIONS, then CUT to the three on the sidewalk. The married couple wanders over to a storefront window, while the other woman watches from a short distance.]
Announcer: On the right are Bob and Cathy. Theyre married. On the left is Susan, Cathys best friend. They all live together in fashionable West Los Angeles. This makes for a whole lot of fun–besides making Bob very excited!
[CUT to Bob and Cathy sitting on a couch while Susan sits on the floor near an intable.]
Bob: Well, I think we ought to do something exotic.
[laugh track]
Cathy: [sets book on her chest] What did you have in mind, darling?
Bob: [suggestively] Well, I dont know… maybe, uh, you know, what they talk about in the magazines.
[CUT to Susan looking dubiously at Bob.]
Susan: The only magazines we got around here is TV Guide.
[Run laugh track while Bob looks defeated and Cathy smirks. CUT back to Susan.]
Susan: Hey, why dont we join a record club?
[She flashes a smug smile over the laugh track. CUT to Bob and Cathy in bed. Bob is leaning on his pillow and talking to his wife.]
Bob: Come on, lets ask her in here.
Cathy: I dont WANT to ask her in here. I went to college with her.
[laugh track]
Bob: So you went to college with her! Youre both smart–shell find her way in here in a second!
[Run laugh track while Cathy glares at him and then turns her head away. CUT to Bob cracking an egg into a bowl in an upscale kitchen.]
Bob: [peeved] Why cant she have two eggs like the rest of us?
[laugh track]
Bob: [tosses eggshell away] Why do I have to make an odd number of eggs every morning?
[laugh track]
Bob: Why do I even HAVE to make eggs every morning?
[laugh track]
Bob: Why am I doing the cooking? What is my PLACE here?
[Laugh track runs while Bob disgustedly tosses another eggshell away. CUT to the three of them at the breakfast table.]
Susan: [to Cathy] Oh, listen, before I forget, if its okay, can I borrow your overnight bag?
Cathy: Sure, its upstairs.
[CUT to Bob chewing with his mouth open and smirking at Susan.]
Bob: Overnight bag, huh? Where are you goin?
[CUT to Susan and then Cathy looking coldly at Bob.]
Cathy: Why do you care?
Bob: What do you mean, why do I care? Im a human being. I have feelings. Im also VERY good in bed.
[laugh track]
Bob: [pleadingly] Please, Susan. Please, you two. Pleeeease.
[grabs jelly jar and unscrews the top]
Bob: Look, jam.
[The women ignore him and his open jam jar while canned laughter and applause play. CUT to the sidewalk in the first scene. Cathy and Susan are running down the sidewalk as Bob chases after them.]
Announcer: Everyones fantasy now becomes a situation comedy! The Three of Us! Its in the can and waiting!
[Still chasing the women, Bob holds out his arms pleadingly, then trips on his own feet and almost falls to the ground.]
[CUT to a man and two children taking a pet cage out of the bed of a pickup truck which sits parked on a dirt road near a grove of trees on a hot summer day. Snarling guitar music plays in the background.]
Announcer: [dramatically] Black Vet.
[SUPERIMPOSE the title in black letters.]
Announcer: A young black veteran from the Vietnam War returns, and takes up practice as a veterinarian in a small southern town.
[The man and two children carefully carry the cage down a front walk. A sign next to it reads, Dr. M. Bowman, Veterinarian.]
Announcer: He and his family find acceptance difficult.
[CUT to Dr. Bowman inside his office and talking to an older white man in a blue jeans jacket and a cowboy hat. A dog sits between them.]
Man: [drawling] Now, hes gonna have to be operated on. [pauses] Quite frankly, Duke doesnt want you to do it.
Dr. Bowman: [with an attitude] You mean, Im gonna have to board this dog while youre out of town, but Im not gonna have to operate? Is that what youre saying to me?
Man: Well, I dont have anything to do with it. [points to dog] Its his choice.
[CUT to Dr. Bowman grabbing a young white guy by the front of his shirt and knocking him softly against the wall.]
Dr. Bowman: [slowly] Im not the kind of vet that believes in drowning cats.
[Cat meows in background]
Dr. Bowman: Except the kind that go after my wife.
[CUT to a young black woman talking to the vet in front of a row of pet cages.]
Dr. Bowman: I just take care of her cow, do you understand? Thats all!
Woman: She doesnt HAVE a cow, Dr. Bowman!
Dr. Bowman: [confused] Maybe were talking about somebody else. Who do YOU mean?
[CUT to Dr. Bowman in his white smock and holding up a birdcage.]
Dr. Bowman: Malpractice?!
Mans Voice: [growling off camera] Thats right!
Dr. Bowman: Hey, give me a break, man, were talkin about parakeets!
[CUT to Dr. Bowman kneeling in front of his son and scoldingly pointing in his face.]
Dr. Bowman: [shouting] STAY away from the sheep!! You got it?!
[The boy nods obediently.]
Dr. Bowman: You just stay AWAY from em!!
[CUT to the vet and his wife sitting out on their porch at night.]
Mrs. Bowman: Last night, Martin, in your sleep, you told me that you loved me.
Dr. Bowman: [smiles sweetly] You know I meant it. What else did I say?
Mrs. Bowman: You said you didnt think Id ever race again, but you wouldnt have to shoot me.
[CUT to Dr. Bowman in front of a muzzled horse. He is holding onto the sides of the muzzle with both hands, while the horse keeps bobbing its head to try to get away.]
Dr. Bowman: Ah, ha ha ha ha, ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa!!!
[CUT to Dr. Bowman peeling out in his pickup and leaving a cloud of dust behind him as the first theme music starts up again.]
Announcer: Black Vet! Hes coming your way just as fast as he can! Plus, theres more!
[CUT to a smoky nightclub. The audience is standing on its feet and cheering while an actor in mime makeup walks to the edge of the stage, bends down, and kisses a young woman in the front row.]
Announcer: Specials, the likes of which youve never seen! Specials, like Tuesday Night Nightclub! Every random Tuesday, NBC takes you to a world-famous cabaret, to present the finest in underground entertainment!
[While the mime keeps bowing to applause, the scene is washed off to the left third of the screen. On the right two-thirds, a young boy and girl are seen talking to each other in a living room.]
Announcer: And: a new production of Arthur Millers Death of a Salesman! Totally acted by children!
[CUT to a closeup of the girl, who wears a gray wig and sweater.]
Girl: Do you have your glasses?
Boy: [in oversized white suit] Yeah, I got my glasses.
Girl: And your sack ring?
Boy: And my sack ring. Goodbye, Im ready.
[The scene is washed into the middle third of the screen. On the far right is a detail from an oil painting of Revolutionary War soldiers.]
Announcer: Also, a series of Bicentennial programs: guaranteed to make you feel two hundred years old!
[The mime keeps taking bows on the left, the children keep acting in the center, and closeups of the war painting keep showing on the right.]
Announcer: And: comedian Albert Brooks breaks out of his late-night harness, gets a prime-time special, and finally gets a chance at making some BIG money!
[As the theme music winds to a close, the background singers start humming in the background.]
Announcer: Its all right here!
Singers: On NBC…
Announcer: And, God willing, youre gonna like it a lot!
Singers: Youre gonna like it a lot!
[The right two-thirds of the screen are squeezed out, and then FADE to black over applause after a brief shot of the mime taking bows onstage.]
[dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in one portly gentleman and add SUPER: “Leonard Bernstein’s Caterer”]
Thanks to Joe Cornfield for this transcript!
Air Date:
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