Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 15

12o: Kevin Hart / Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

Z Shirts

Cal…..Tim Robinson
Brian……Kevin Hart

[ open on Brian and Cal playing basketball ]

Cal: Nice dunk!

Brian: Thanks, man! Hey — great T-shirt!

Cal: Ohhhh! This ain’t a T-Shirt! It’s a Z-Shirt!

[ cut to product image ]

Announcer: It’s the new Z-Shirt! The cool new shirts from Zappy! This ain’t no T-shirt — it’s the Z Shirt!

Kids: Z SHIRT!!

Brian: Oh! Wait! I’m confused! Is that an A Shirt?

Cal: Um — ab-so-lute-ly notttt!

Brian: [ laughung ] Is it a B Shirt?!

Cal: Not even close!

Brian: Is is a C Shirt?!

Cal: Wait! Did you say Z Shirt?

Brian: No! I said C Shirt!

Cal: No, it’s a T-shirt!

Brian: Is it a D Shirt?!

Cal: No, man…

Brian: IS IT AN E SHIRT?!

Cal: Why are you going in order? You don’t have to go in order!

Brian: IS IT AN F SHIRT?!

Cal: No! It’s a Z Shirt.

Brian: IS IT A G SHIRT?!

Cal: NO!! And it’s not an H, I, J, K! It’s NONE of those shirts!

Brian: IS IT AN H SHIRT?!

Cal: [ gritting his teeth ] Why do we have to do ALL of them?! I don’t see what you’re getting at…!

Brian: IS IT AN I SHIRT?!

Cal: You’re DEAD behind those eyes! There’s nothing behind them!

Brian: IS IT A J SHIRT?!

Cal: Brian… Brian…

Brian: IS IT A K SHIRT?!

Cal: [ outraged ] I WISH!! [ he points to the Z on his shirt ] If this thing was a K right here, we’d be DONE!!

Brian: IS IT AN L SHIRT?!

[ Cal simply walks away ]

Brian: What kind of shirt IS it, man?! IS IT AN M SHIRT?!

Cal: NO!!!

[ Brian runs after Cal ]

[ cut to product image ]

Announcer: The Z Shirt! New from Zappy!

Brian: So many letters!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 15

12o: Kevin Hart / Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

A Message From the President of the United States

President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Air Traffic Controller…..Cecily Strong
Border Patrol Agent…..Bill Hader
Lindsay Fulton…..Kate McKinnon
Zookeeper Jenkins…..Jason Sudeikis
Butcher…..Bobby Moynihan
Ms. Baine…..Aidy Bryant
Sailor…..Taran Killam
Police Officer…..Tim Robinson
Construction Worker…..Kenan Thompson
Indian…..Fred Armisen

[ open on empty stage, as President Barack Obama enters and stands behind his podium ]

President Barack Obama: Uhhh… Good evening, everyone, hello. As you probably know, last night I signed an executive order authorizing $85 billion in federeal budget cuts. Now, most Americans still don’t understand what this whole sequester really means. I could explain it in financial terms or in human terms. But since I really have no idea about how money works — or how budgets work — I’ll go with human terms instead.

You see, we’re all going to feel the pain from these cuts. Even in the White House. From now on, my wife Michelle will only do, uhhhh… four television appearances a week, down from her usual 75. I also had to sit Joe Biden down and tell him that he couldn’t order another Fathead poster for his bedroom wall.

But tonight, I want to show you some of the everyday men and women these cuts are going to affect. People like our air traffic controllers and our border patrol agents. [ an air traffic controller and a border patrol agent appear on either side of Obama ] Okay, how will your department handle budget cuts?

Air Traffic Controller: Well, before we can look at our radar screens, we have to watch a 20-second ad for Doritos. And we no longer have full body scanners at the airlnies, so we’re asking everyone to take a photo down the front of their pants and just text that to us.

President Barack Obama: And, uhhh… and, Border Patrol?

Border Patrol Agent: We’re gonna have to let, uh, every tenth Mexican just run across the border.

President Barack Obama: Thank you!

Border Patrol Agent: De nada!

[ they exit ]

President Barack Obama: The cuts also affect our space program, and astronauts like Major Lindsay Fulton.

[ astronaut appears ]

Lindsay Fulton: Thanks to the budget cuts, our space helmets will no longer have glass. [ she puts her hand through her helmet ] So when we go outside to repair the ship, we’ll just have to hold our breath.

President Barack Obama: Thank you, Major.

Lindsay Fulton: Ah, I’ll see you in space! [ she salutes and exits ]

President Barack Obama: These cuts will also affect our National Zoo here in D.C. Isn’t that right, Zookeeper Jenkins?

Zookeeper Jenkins: Uh, that is right, yeah! You know, it’s tough for me to say this, ‘but we’re gonna have to fire THREE of our monkeys. We’re just gonna let ’em loose in the city! They’ll be homeless, out in the streets, just tossing poop and ripping off faces! But on the plus side, Taco Bell and Ikea have made a VERY generous offer to buy some of our horses! So that’s a relief.

[ Butcher enters frame ]

Butcher: Plus, there’ll be cutbacks on MEAT INSPECTIONS!

President Barack Obama: [ distraught ] Yuo know what? We’re gonna skip that one! okay? Let’s skip that one for now! Thanks, guys!

Zookeeper and Butcher: Okayyyy!!

[ they exit ]

President Barack Obama: And, uh, soem employees will be outright let go, including inner city public schoolteachers like Ms. Baine here. [ Ms. Baine appears ] So, uh… who worked in one of Philadelphia’s worst school districts. This must be so hard for you.

Ms. Baine: [ happy ] This is the GREATEST day in my entire life! Good luck reading “Beowolf”, you monsters!! [ she exits ]

President Barack Obama: And, of course, these cuts will affect our military… [ Sailor appears ] Our civil servants… [ Police Officer appears ] Federal construction projects… [ Construction worker appears ] Even grants to Native Americans. [ Indian appears ] Ad I’m the one who has to tell these folks, uh… “Young men… uhhh, there’s no need to feel down…” [ Sailor makes a “Y” with his arms ] “Young men… pick yourself off the ground…” [ Police Officer makes an “M” with his arms ] “Young men… just ’cause your finding is down…” [ Construction Worker makes a “C” with his arms ] “There’s no need to… uhhh… be… uhhh… unhappy!”

[ the four men, whose uniforms now collectively resemble the Village People, have spelled out Y-M-C-A with their arms ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you, gentlemen.

Men: [ effeminately ] You’re welcome…! [ they exit ]

President Barack Obama: So you see? We all have to make sacrifices. It will be a difficult road ahead. But trust me — nine months from now, you won’t remember this sequester ever happened. Why? Because there will be another way worse financial crisis to deal with. So godspped, America. And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiightttt!!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 15

12o: Kevin Hart / Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

360 News

Hal Sumner……Kevin Hart
Director…..Tim Robinson
Producer…..Bobby Moynihan
Camera 1…..Fred Armisen
Camera 2…..Nasim Pedrad
Camera 3…..Taran Killam
Camera 4…..Kenan Thompson
Camera 5…..Jay Pharoah

Announcer: Strap in for 360 News! Eight cameras! One newsman! Eighty stories! One sentence each!

[ Hal Sumner turns to face front-facing camera ]

Hal Sumner: Bus crash in Iowa!

[ Hal Sumner spins around 180-degrees ]

Hal Sumner: Tornados rock the Midwest!

[ Hal Sumner turns to face another angle ]

Hal Sumner: Stock market!

[ cut to graphics ]

Announcer: Some news gives you BOTH sides of the story! 360 News gives you every! [ Hal Sumner turns to face camera over his shoulder ] Possible! [ Hal Sumner looks up at camera pointing down from the ceiling ] Angle! [ Hal Sumner looks down at a camera pointing up from the floor ] Now — here to give you the news from EVERY direction — Hal Sumner!

[ wipe to Hal Sumner at the 360 news desk, his neck now awkwardly covered with a brace ]

Hal Sumner: [ straining ] Good evening… I’m Hal Sumner. Uh… Quick personal note: I was rear-ended in a minor car accident last night. No big deal! Now onto the news. Airline workers threaten strike! [ he struggles to turn 45-degrees to face a different camera ] Senate to debate gun control! [ he struggles to face the front camera again ] Lean Cuisine dish recalled! [ he collects his breath, then struggles to turn 45-degrees again ] It kills me, man…! Go to a commercial, guys! You gotta go to a commercial!

Director: And we’re… clear! Clear! [ he rushes toward the desk ] Hey, Cal! How you feeling, man?

Producer: Do you want me to call Don, have him sit in for you?

Hal Sumner: Don? No! No, man…! I’m fine…! I got this…! In fact, listen — I don’t even NEED this neck brace! Okay, guys? Let’s just do it without it…

Director: [ he removes Cal’s neck brace ] Okay, alright… We’re back in 3! 2! [ they run off ]

[ Cal gasps, then his neck falls down across shoulders ]

Hal Sumner: Guuuuuuuyyyyys!! Guuuuuuyyyys!! [ he tries to lift his head with his hands ] Give me back the neck brace! Give me back the neck brace!

[ the Director rushes back in and replaces the neck brace ]

Director: Alright… there we go. Just a heads up — we’re running out of commercials to throw to.

Producer: Yeah. Hey, look — I know you’re not gonna like this idea, but what if, just for today, we just used one camera?

Hal Sumner: [ outraged ] What?! It’s “360 News”, you son of a bitch! Okay, listen — you gotta have THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY degrees of cameras! Now, you KNOW that!

Director: [ thinking ] Uh… alright, look, Cal… I’ve wanted to say this to you for a long time: This is a VERY stupid idea for a news show. You only need ONE camera!

Hal Sumner: [ hyperventilating ] Okay… Okay! Does EVERYBODY think that?! Hmm? Camera 1? Camera 1, do you think that “360 News” is a dumb idea?!

Camera 1: Yeah!

Hal Sumner: Okay, Camera 2! What about you?!

Camera 2: Real stupid!

Hal Sumner: Okay, Camera 3! What about you?!

Camera 3: It’s bad, man.

Hal Sumner: Okay, Camera 4! Come on, 4! I need you on this one!

Camera 4: Your show SUCKS, man!

Hal Sumner: Camera 5! Talk to me, Camera 5!

Camera 5: [ suspended from the ceiling ] I HATE this show!

Hal Sumner: You know what? You know what?~ You’re all traitors!! Okay? That — that — You’re ALL traitors! Let me tell you something, you — [ he grunts as the camera angle switches ] You’re a traitor! You’re a traitor, right there! You are! [ he struggles to turn his head, as the camera angle switches again ] You’re a traitor, too! Over here! YOU! [ he truggles to turn his head, as the camera angle switches again ] Okay! You’re DEFINITELY a traitor, right there! IT’S JUST A BUNCH OD TRAITORS ON THIS THING…!!

[ cut to graphics ]

Announcer: We will NOT be right back!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 15

12o: Kevin Hart / Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

Goodnights

……Kevin Hart

Kevin Hart: I GOTTA say thanks to Macklemore and Ryan Lewis — this show was average without them! I also gotta say thanks to a great cast — everybody behind me!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 15

12o: Kevin Hart / Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

Funeral

Priest…..Jay Pharoah
Cal…..Tim Robinson
Brian…..Kevin Hart

[ open on interior, funeral parlor ]

Priest: She was a wonderful woman, and she will be missed. Her son Cal would like to say a few words. Cal?

[ Cal steps forward ]

Cal: My mother Barbara lived life to the fullest — from gardening and spending time with her grandchildren. She always… had a smile on her face. [ distracted ] I’m sorry? Are you raising your hand? Do you have a question?

Brian: [ rushing forward ] IS IT A W SHIRT?!

[ hip hop beat plays ]

Cal: Please! I just lost my MOM, man!

Brian: Hey! IS IT AN X SHIRT?!

Cal: No! Just go!

Brian: IS IT A Y SHIRT?!

Cal: NOOO!!!

Brian: IS IT A Z SHIRT?!

Cal: Nope! Wait…! Yeah! It’s a Z Shirt! Yeah! [ they share the laugh ] Yeah, thanks, man!

[ cut to product graphic ]

Female Announcer: It’s a Z Shirt!

Announcer: New from Zappy!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 15


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


March 2nd, 2013

Kevin Hart

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

None

Wanz

Ray Dalton

None

A Message FRom the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) sequester

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Kevin Hart’s MonologueSummary: Kevin Hart recounts the time he tried to keep his sandwich away from a homesless man, and the time he auditioned for “SNL” by performing impressions that didn’t meet the grade.

Steve HarveySummary: Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) helps a man (Kevin Hart) conquer his perfectly rational fear of horses.

Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey.

The Situation RoomSummary: With the announcement of Pope Benedict XVI’s (Fred Armisen) retirement, Quvenzhané Wallis (Kevin Hart) is inexplicably chosen to become the new head pontiff.

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, Pope Benedict XVI.

Starbucks VerismoSummary: Housewife (Vanessa Bayer) duplicates the tense Starbucks experience at home by brewing up an incompetent and beligerent cup of coffee in the privacy of her own kitchen.

Note: Repeat from 12k.

Barnes & Noble FiringSummary: When the manager (Kevin Hart) at Barnes & Noble calls a meeting to announce a theft-related termination, Niff (Bobby Moynihan) and Dana (Cecily Strong) assume they’re being accused of the crime and proceed to call out their co-workers for being a bunch of lame-asses.

Recurring Characters: Niff, Dana, Carl.

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis with Wanz performs “Thrift Shop”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Dennis Rodman (Jay Pharoah) and Kim Jong-Un (Bobby Moynihan) are best friends. Seth Meyers and Kevin Hart ask “Really!?!” in response to the Voting Right Acts.

Recurring Characters: Dennis Rodman.

The Walking DeadSummary: When they’re approached by a black zombie (Kevin Hart), family tries to avoid defending themselves lest their actions be considered racist.

Shark TankSummary: Desperate to pay off his debts, Brian McShay (Kevin Hart) tries to convince the sharks to invest in his idea to put sunglasses on lamps.

Z ShirtsSummary: Cal (Tim Robinson) shows off his Z Shirt, but Brian (Kevin Hart) can’t grasp the concept that it’s not just an ordinary T-shirt.

Transcript

Recording SessionSummary: Patricia (Vanessa Bayer) and Dante (Kevin Hart) are the finalists in a competition to perform the voiceover on a Dove Chocolate ad.

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis with Ray Dalton performs “Can’t Hold Us”

FuneralSummary: During the funeral for Cal’s (Tim Robinson) mother, Brian (Kevin Hart) finally grasps the concept behis his Z Shirt.

Transcript

360 NewsSummary: News anchor (Kevin Hart) struggles to present the news from every camera angle after hurting his neck in a car accident.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Foam NightSummary: Dance club fuels excitement by dousing the floor full of wet foam.

Coal MinerSummary: A gossippy coal miner (Kevin Hart) talks endlessly about his fellow miners.

The GSummary: A sampling of comedy programming scheduled to air on a gay-themed network.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

Papal Securities

Spokesman…..Jason Sudeikis
Pope Benedict XVI…..Christoph Waltz

[ open on serene settings ]

Spokesman V/O: You’ve worked hard your entire life. You’ve tried to make sound financial decisions. But what will you do when you retire?

[ reveal close-up of Pope Bendict ]

Announcer: What will you do… after you’re Pope?

[ cut to Pope reviewing stack of bills at his kitchen table ]

Announcer: Your spiritual future might be secure… but what about your financial future?

[ dissolve to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Here at Papal Securities, we give popes the kind of financial advice they need to survive on a fixed income.

[ Spokesman shows Pope a Retirement Investment Growth chart with different-sized papal hats ]

Spokesman V/O: Because in today’s shifting financial landscape, no one is infallible — even Popes.

[ cut to the Pope carrying a bag of groceries home, as it spills all over the street. He raises his arms and prays to God for mercy. ]

Spokesman V/O: We’ll help you protect and grow the assets that you already have.

[ Spokesman assesses the value of a chalice ]

Spokesman: So you can focus on what matters most: Life.

[ cut to testimonial from Pope Benedict XVI ]

Pope Benedict XVI: Pa-pal Se-cur-i-ty made sure my fu-ture was… [ he smiles ] bright!

[ cut to empty chair, with tag: “No Other Testimonials Available” ]

Spokesman V/O: So call Papal Securities today — and make sure your retirement years… are golden.

[ Spokesman kisses the Pope’s ring, then wipes his mouth ]

[ cut to the Pope riding a bicycle built for two with his hat on the back seat ]

[ cut to the Pope serving dinner to a family ]

[ cut to the Pope playing with a rock-and-roll band ]

Spokesman V/O: Papal Securities. Helping popes retire since the last time it happened — in 1415.

[ cut to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Because Heaven… can wait.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

Secret Admirer Letter

Jennifer…..Cecily Strong
Ben…..Kenan Thompson
Mark…..Bill Hader
Todd…..Jason Sudeikis
Jackie…..Vanessa Bayer
Dimitri…..Christoph Waltz

[ open on interior, office ]

Jennifer: [ holding letter at her desk ] What is this? Did anybody see this letter dropped on my desk?

Ben: No idea.

Mark: I don’t know.

Todd: Hey, you got me.

Jackie: No clue.

[ Dimitri the security guard enters ]

Dimitri: Perhaps it’s a… valentine from a secret admirer?

Jackie: [ piqued ] Ohhh! Read it! Ooh!

Jennifer: [ reading ] “To my sweet Jennifer doll, who I will own if in God’s plans. I take you to woods and we sleep there a hundred years…”

Dimitri: [ innocently ] Oh, that’s real sweet! Sounds like a real charmer!

Jennifer: Um…?

Jackie: Listen — I think it’s kind of creepy.

Jennifer: Listen to this: [ reading ] “I am a person who is closer than you think. I hope to grow closer by days, and… watching… waiting.”

Jackie: [ disgusted ] Okay, you know, it sounds like a threat.

Dimitri: [ nervously ] Uh… even I see that was not the best choice of words — [ quickly ] for whoever wrote it!

Jennifer: [ frightened ] “Closer than you think.” Okay, this is someone who WORKS here! Okay, NO ONE leaves until we figure out WHO this is! Dimitri! You should be questioning people, while I read this psycho’s manifesto!

Dimitri: “Manifesto” is, perhaps, a strong word…

Jennifer: [ reading ] “I want you and it makes me mad.There is something that I can’t say, but we eat dish of milk and bananas together…”? Dimitri! ASK them!

Dimitri: Uh… Mark, did you write this?

Mark: Uh, let me think — Did I write a broken English, crazy, foreign guy note? NO!!

Jennifer: [ reading ] “You are perfect, I am your mother. Ha ha ha! No.”

Dimitri: Ben, I’m looking at you on this one…

Ben: And I’m looking right back at you, buddy!

Jennifer: [ reading ] “I want to screw with you. I take a long time. We will never be apart in the woods…”?

Dimitri: Yeah, that sounds more and more like Todd!

Todd: [ chuckling to himself ] Not your finest hour, my man!

Jennifer: Oh, my God! He must be stalking you, too, Dimitri! He included this SICK picture of you! Dimitri, show this to everyone!

[ Dimitri holds up the photo and winces ]

Dimitri: Oh, no… so many mistakes…

Jennifer: Yeah! It’s really weird! He must have Photoshopped your head onto a DISGUSTING man’s body wearing a tanktop and leaning on a car!

Dimitri: Jackie, did — do you Photoshop this?

Jackie: No, Dimitri, that actually doesn’t look Photoshopped. It kind of looks like something that really happened.

Jennifer: Oh, yeah, right! So Dimitri rented a LAMBORGHINI, which would cost HUNDREDS —

Dimitri: Four hundred.

Jennifer: Just to take this photo?! I mean, that would be CRAZY!

Dimitri: [ meekly ] Y-yes… I see that now.

Jennifer: Ugh! Okay, everybody, listen to this part: [ reading ] “Do not forget to remind me I have a peanut for you.” Is this a penis? Is he talking about his penis?

Dimitri: [ defesively ] No, no… this one is not creepy at all! There, there is a country — I know — where a common joke is that you take out a ring box, and you say: “[ he opens a ring box with a peanut inside ] “I am proposing to you. No — it is just a peanut!” You see? [ he laughs buffoonishly ] It is actually quite… quite a funny, sweet joke!

Jennifer: No. No. No, Dimitri, that sucks.

Mark: Yeah, that really SUCKS, Dimitri!

Dimitri: [ stung ] Yes. I see now tht it does suck.

Jennifer: [ furious ] Someone is LYING!! Dimitri, ASK them!!

Dimitri: Yes. Mark, did you do this?!

Mark: Buddy… [ he raises his hands and shrugs ]

Dimitri: Jackie, was this your own handiwork?

Jackie: Oh, Dimitri…. [ she shakes her head ]

Dimitri: Ben, you’re awfully quiet!

Ben: [ laughing ] Come on, man!

Dimitri: Todd!

Todd: You gotta ask me the full question, Dimitri!

Dimitri: Yeah. Todd, did you reference a popular tradition from my village, in which you offer a peanut as a kind of fake proposal/traditious joke?

Todd: [ shaking his head ] NO, Dimitri!

Jennifer: Well, I guess we’ll NEVER know who sent this! But, Dinitri, I’d feel safer if you came to lunch with me.

Dimitri: Yes, I hope to close… to grow close by… that… day’s…. end…

Jennifer: Okay, let me just grab my things… [ she lifts hr purse to reveal another letter ] Wait a minute, what is this letter? [ she opens it to reveal a photo ] Oh, this is just a picture of some black guy’s penis!

Ben: [ nervously ] What?! Who did this?! Who did that?! Mark, I’m looking at YOU, my man! Jackie, was it you?!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

Djesus Uncrossed

Jesus…..Christoph Waltz
Roman Soldier…..Fred Armisen
St. Peter…..Taran Killam
Pontius Pilate…..Kenan Thompson
Judas Iscariot…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on Restricted movie trailer ]

Announcer: This Summer! If you liked “Inglourious Basterds”… and “Django Unchained”…

[ reveal clips from both movies ]

Announcer: Then get ready for the ULTIMATE historical revenge fantasy…

[ reveal Jesus pushing aside the giant rock so he can exit his tomb ]

Jesus: Guess who’s back!

[ title appears ]

Announcer: “Djesus Uncrossed”.

[ cut to Romans fighting ]

Announcer: He’s risen from the dead!

Jesus: [ wielding a sword from behind his cross ] Miss Me?

Roman Soldier: Kill him!!

[ Jesus joins the fight ]

Announcer: And he’s preaching anything but forgiveness.

[ cut to more fighting scenes ]

Announcer: He may be wearing sandals… but he can STILL kick ass!

[ reveal carnage ]

Roman Soldier: Jesus H. Christ!

Announcer: The “H” is silent!

[ Jesus swings his sword and slices Roman Soldier’s head in half ]

Announcer: With Brad Pitt as St. Peter.

St. Peter: [ to recruits, over killing footage ] I need me… eleven ay-postles! We’re gonna be doing one thing, and one thing only: Kill Row-mans. The Row-man WILL be disgusted by us! The Row-man WILL talk about us! And the Row-man WILL fear us! Each of you owes me ONE-HUNDRED Row-man scalps!

Announcer: Ving Rhames as Pontius Pilate.

Pontius Pilate: Jesus! Oh, I ain’t done with him by a damn sight! I’m gonna get Old Testement on his ass!

Announcer: And Samuel L. Jackson as Judas Iscariot.

Judas Iscariot: [ before Jesus ] Jesus! Oh, shit! CHILL, man! Chill!

Jesus: When you get to Heaven… say “Hi” to my Dad.

[ Jesus cocks his shotgun and fires a huge, gaping hole in Judas ]

[ cut to more footage of random violence from the hands and rifle of Jesus ]

Announcer: Critics are calling it: “A less violent Passion of the Christ.” [ A.O. Scott ]

“I never knew how much Jesus used the N-word.” [ Peter Travers ]

[ title card ]

Announcer: “Djesus Uncrossed”.

[ cut to Jesus cocking his rifle ]

Jesus: No more Mr. Nice Jesus!

[ tag: “SUMMER 2013” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts