Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Exit Polling

Pollster…..Kristen Wiig
Voter…..Daniel Radcliffe

[ open on exterior, polling precinct ]

[ SUPER: “Concord, New Hampshire” ]

Pollster: [ as voters leave ] Thank you so much. [ a new voter walks up ] Oh, hi there! Hi! Do you mind if I ask you some exit poll questions?

Voter: Uh… no. No, that’s fine.

Pollster: Great! Thank you. Um… who did you vote for?

Voter: I voted for Mitt Romney.

Pollster: Annnnd who did you vote for in 2008?

Voter: John McCain.

Pollster: Okay. You’re doing great, by the way! [ she laughs ] Uh… do you consider yourself a moderate Republican, a conservative Republican, a Tea Partier, a crazy Whackadoodle, or a Democrat voting sarcastically?

Voter: Uh… I guess, a moderate Republican.

Pollster: Great. Uh, when you voted, were you like, “I love this guy!” or were you like, “He’ll do,” or like, “I don’t know who ANY of these people are!”?

Voter: Uhhhh, I guess… “He’ll do.”

Pollster: Okay…

Voter: Uh… am I done?

Pollster: No. [ she writes his response down ] “He’ll… do…”

Voter: Am I done now?

Pollster: Okay, sorry. Um… Are you male or female? I’m sorry — it’s on here, I have to ask.

Voter: Male.

Pollster: [ she glances at him ] Oh. [ she laughs ] I’m glad I asked! Okay… Which best describes your ethnicity? Are you White? [ with a hip-hop accent ] Are you Black? [ bouncing her head ] Hee-spanic? [ high-pitched ] Asian? [ mechanically ] Or are you a Robot?

Voter: Uh… uh… White.

Pollster: Okay. And to what age group do you belong: 18 to 24 —

Voter: Yes.

Pollster: Sorry, I have to read them all. [ she laughs ] Uhhh… 18 to 24…? [ she stares at him for a moment ]

Voter: Yes.

Pollster: I’m sorry. I have to read them all. “18 to 24… [ she stares at him for another moment ] or 25 to 150.”

Voter: 18 to 24.

Pollster: Okay. Single or married?

Voter: Single.

Pollster: Oh! Great. Uh… gay or straight?

Voter: Uh, straight.

Pollster: Okay. Uh, Jewish?

Voter: Yes.

Pollster: You’re perfect! Would you ever consider going out with my friend Diane Finkelstein?

Voter: No.

Pollster: You know what? It’s probably for the best. Because you’re on the smaller side, and she’s so fat.

Voter: Are we done?

Pollster: Um, almost… almost. Oh, this is a good one: “You walk in your bedroom and turn on the lights — standing buck-naked in the middle of the room is Ron Paul, Rick Santorum, or Newt Gingrich. Which one of these options bums you out the most?

Voter: Wow. Uh… that’s tough… Ron Paul. No! Newt Gingrich. No… Ron Paul.

Pollster: Remember — buck-naked.

Voter: [ he sighs ] No… Newt Gingrich.

Pollster: [ whispering ] You got that one right! [ continuing ] Uh… can you sleep on planes?

Voter: Yes!

Pollster: I can’t! [ continuing ] Do you like my new laugh? [ she laughs heartily ]

Voter: Uhhh… yeah. It’s fine.

Pollster: ‘Cause this is my old laugh: [ she laughs with a choked stifle ]

Voter: Uhhh… the new one. That is better.

Pollster: Um… Thanks! Okay. Uh… do you think I could pull off bangs?

Voter: Uh… I don’t know. What would that look like?

Pollster: I’ll hold this up. [ she puts her clipboard atop her to create the illusion of bangs ]

Voter: Uhhhh… Yeah. Sure.

Pollster: What about over one eye? [ she tilts her clipboard ]

Voter: Uhhh… sure.

Pollster: [ she moves the clipboard back ] Do you have a preference as to which?

Voter: Uhhhh… I-I-I don’t really have a preference…

Pollster: [ whining ] Ple-e-e-e-e-ease!!

Voter: Uh — bangs! Bangs!

Pollster: Ohhhkay… he knows what he wants! You would be PERFECT for Diane.

Voter: Uh — no!

Pollster: Yeah. Again, probably for the best. She’s so fat. She’s so fat.

Voter: No! This is no lnoger about politics!

Pollster: Okay, um — that’s okay. Um — Which candidate quality matters most to how you voted: Has a vision for the future? Honest and trustworthy? Stands up for what he believes in?

Voter: Uh… a vision for the future.

Pollster: Alright, uh, follow-up: What do you consider the most likely vision for the future: Monkeys still in cages? Monkeys in charge? Or no more monkeys?

Voter: Uh… monkeys in cages?

Pollster: Oky. A follow-up to the follow-up: “Have you seen the new “Planet of the Apes”?

Voter: I have not.

Pollster: Okay. Follow-up, follow-up, follow-up: “Would you be into this: I bring the “Planet of the Apes” DVD to your house… you open a bottle of wine… we forget about Fat Diane, and see what happens?”

Voter: No! Absolutely not!

Pollster: Perfect. Final question: “WHERE DO YOU GET OFF?!!”

Voter: Goodbye! [ he rushes off ]

Pollster: I’m switching you to GAY!! ROBOT!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Glenda Okones for Mayor III

Glenda Okones…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on black-and-white photo of tree stumps ]

Announcer: Glenda Okones admits she hates the environment and her eldest daughter. But what else is she hiding?

[ flash-cut to Okones ]

Glenda Okones: Real quick, folks. I’m Glenda Okones again. I did once break into an elderly woman’s home, pulle her from her bed, roughed her up a little bit. [ she holds up her finger ] Before you go to judgment, I want you to know it was my own mother. She has been complaining for about five years: “I’m gonna be attacked, I just know it…!” So I got it done for her! Now she can move on to something else. And I’ll tell you this: I was never her favorite, and I’m an only child. Vote Okones!

Announcer: Glenda Okones for Mayor.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Glenda Okones for Mayor II

Glenda Okones…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on silent clip from previous Glenda Okones ad ]

Announcer: Glenda Okones claims she’s a bad listener with a pointy face. But what isn’t she telling us?

[ flash-cuto to Okones ]

Glenda Okones: I’m Glenda Okones, Glen Falls mayoral candidate. I claimed it was “all out there” in my last ad, but I’m calling B.S. on myself!

Announcer: B.S.!

Glenda Okones: That was not everything. I do have a few more flaws. Some say I’m abrasive. I am always honking. I’m a single mother of two girls — I do love the youngest one more than the oldest. Yeah, yeah — I know as a parent, you’re not supposed to admit that… but for now my youngest is in the lead — by a long shot! Environment? Don’t care about it. If I see a spider, I’m gonna smash the SHIT out of it! If I see a bunny on my lawn, I’m gonna run after that freakin’ thing with a HATCHET! And I won’t have to get the hatchet, ’cause I carry one on me at all times.

Well, now you’ve definitely heard it all. Take it or leave — I am naked in front of you. Not literally, thank heavens, ’cause let’s just say I don’t do any maintenance. Vote Okones.

Announcer: Glenda Okones for Mayor.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Glenda Okones for Mayor

Glenda Okones…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Glenda Okones standing ]

Glenda Okones: Hey. I’m Glenda Okones. I’m running for Mayor of Glen Falls. Because of the cutthroat nature of this campaign, I am released an attack ad — on myself!

Announcer: Who’s the real Glenda Okones?

Glenda Okones: I’m flawed. They say I’m harsh, I’m cold… the B-word has been thrown around quite a bit.

Announcer: B-Word.

Glenda Okones: Here’s why: I just have a naturally frowny face. Not ugly, but certainly severe looking.

Announcer: Severe looking.

Glenda Okones: A lot of people say I’m a bad listener. You may be sharing a story from your life, one that’s going to remind me of a better story — from MY life. So I’m just gonna start talking louder than you, and hopefully you’ll give up and stop talking altogether.

I think it’s okay to push people.

Well, there you go — now it’s all out there. If you’re looking for a cute mayor who listens to you, I am not your candidate. But if you’re okay with this: Vote Okones.

Announcer: Glenda Okones for Mayor.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Daniel Radcliffe’s Monologue

…..Daniel Radcliffe
Dumbledore…..Jason Sudeikis
Harry Pothead…..Paul Brittain
Snooki…..Bobby Moynihan
The Situation…..Bill Hader

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Daniel Radcliffe!

Daniel Radcliffe: Thank you very, very much! Thank you! It is so GREAT to — thank you SO MUCH, everybody! It is so great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! [ an audience member screams ] Indeed! I love being in New York City! In fact, I just finished a run on Broadway in the musical “How to Succeed In Business Without Really Trying”… [ the audience cheers ] Thank you very much. I play Jay Pierpont Finch, in what I am almost CERTAIN will be the role people will always most associate me with!

But, of course, the biggest news is that, last year, the final “Harry Potter” film was released. Uh, the — [ the audience applauds ] Thank you! The incredible thing about the “Harry Potter” franchise is how it touched fans of all ages across the world. And to the children who love Harry Potter, I want to say: “Your enthusiasm was the real magic. I so enjoyed being on the journey with you.” And to the adults who read the Harry Potter books and devoured them, I just want to say: “Those books were for children. You were reading children’s books! I know they were long, but that’s because the letters were big — you know, for children?” Uh — I am joking, of course. I would NEVER insult the adult fans of Harry Potter. Though, if I did, what’s the worst they could do? It’s not like the wands they carry around are real. A joke!

Now, when I agreed to host “SNL”, one of the biggest questions I had was how much should we do with Harry Potter, taking into account that, over the years, there have been multiple Harry Potter sketches on the show. I, in fact, myself, have been played by the likes of [ reveal screen captures ] Bill Hader… Hugh Jackman… and, of course, Rachel Dratch. I think we can all agree Jackman came the closest! So, with a history of “Harry Potter” scenes at the show already, I said to Lorne, “If at all possible, let’s not do one. No one wants to see Dumbledore working at Harry Pottery Barn.” [ Jason Sudeikis appears behind him dressed as Dumbledore holding up pots ] “I mean — and, if we can, let’s not do Harry Pothead.” [ Paul Brittain dressed as stoner Harry Potter appears behind him ] Now — by your reactions, I can’t help but think they walked up behind me and made a hasty retreat. That makes sense, as, thinking back to my conversation with Lorne, he gave me very few signals that he was listening to a word I said. Which, I believe means it is highly likely that you will see a “Harry Potter” sketch tonight. [ the audience cheers ] Although, I just truly hope it is not “Jersey Shore Hogwarts”. [ Bobby Moynihan and Bill Hader appear as Snooki and The Situation behind him ] I mean, “Jersey Shore Hogwarts” — how lazy can you get? I mean, that — that would be AWFUL! Really, just —

[ Snooki rushes forward to pound Radcliffe ]

Snooki: Hey, BACK OFF, Wizard! I’m not taking —

[ The Situation pushes her away ]

Daniel Radcliffe: Well, it’s better they hear it now. We have a FANTASTIC show for you tonight, ladies and gentlemen! Lana Del Rey is here. So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

The Jay Pharoah Show

…..Jay Pharoah
…..Daniel Radcliffe

[ open on talk show set ]

Jay Pharoah: What’s going on, everybody? It’s “The Jay Pharoah Show”, with your host… [ he points to himself ] Jay Pharoah. I’m with my man — Daniel Radcliffe. Hey.

Daniel Radcliffe: Hi! Hello, Jay! I’m very — [ Jay high-fives him ] Oh! Thank you!

Jay Pharoah: There we go.

Daniel Radcliffe: I’m VERY excited to be here!

Jay Pharoah: Oh. Well… as Denzel Washington would say: [ imitating ] “Daniel Radcliffe! [ he chuckles heartily ] My man!” [ he claps his hands ]

Daniel Radcliffe: [ impressed, laughs ] Yes! Denzel Washington. That’s very good, I’ve seen that.

Jay Pharoah: Oh, thanks, man. Let me get my cards here. [ he grabs some blue cards and sighs ] So, uh… okay, yeah — som you just shot a new movie?

Daniel Radcliffe: Uh — yes! It’s called “The Woman in Black”.

Jay Pharoah: Okay, okay. And was that your first movie?

Daniel Radcliffe: Uh… no. No, not exactly.

Jay Pharoah: Okay. Okay.

Daniel Radcliffe: I was in the… the “Harry Potter” films.

Jay Pharoah: Oh, okay. Okay. Alright.

Daniel Radcliffe: [ confused ] Uh… are you familiar with “Harry Potter”? He’s, uh, a boy wizard.

Jay Pharoah: [ quickly ] Mmm-hmm. Oh, yeah! Yeah… yeah, yeah. [ fumbling for something to add ] Yeah… yeah, you know… [ imitating ] “Yeah! ‘Cause you know what WILL SMITH says about WIZARDS, right? You know what I’m saying? [ laughs like Smith ] Whooooo!! Wizards!”

Daniel Radcliffe: [ laughing ] It’s, uh — it’s a very good Will Smith!

Jay Pharoah: Oh, thanks, man. So, uh… [ consults his card and breathes heavily ] So, uh — “boy wizard”. You know, how’d you come up with that?

Daniel Radcliffe: Wha…? No! It wasn’t me! It was, uh, the author — J.K. Rowling!

Jay Pharoah: [ nodding ] Yeah, yeah… uh-huh…

Daniel Radcliffe: She wrote a series of books.

Jay Pharoah: Okay.

Daniel Radcliffe: Are you familiar with the books?

Jay Pharoah: [ quickly ] Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah… yeah, yeah, yeah.

Daniel Radcliffe: Do you… have a favorite?

Jay Pharoah: Yeah. [ fumbling to elaborate, he breaks into a Chris Rock impression ] “Well, you know what CHRIS ROCK says about boo-oo-ooks! It’s fun to read!”

Daniel Radcliffe: Right. Right. That’s Chris Rock. You know, Jay — it’s perfectly fine if you’re not familiar with Harry Potter.

Jay Pharoah: Okay.

Daniel Radcliffe: You know, not everyone has to be a fan.

Jay Pharoah: [ he breathes a sigh of relief ] Okay. Yeah, yeah… Yeah. Alright.

Daniel Radcliffe: So, honestly — do you know who I am?

Jay Pharoah: [ nodding ] Y-yeah. You know… [ breaks into another impression ] “Also: I’m TRACY MORGAN! And I want to get everybody in here PREGNANT!” [ he rubs his belly ]

Daniel Radcliffe: [ laughing ] That’s… very funny!

Jay Pharoah: [ laughing ] Man, you’re nice.

Daniel Radcliffe: Oh! Thanks!

Jay Pharoah: Well, uh… you need some more water?

Daniel Radcliffe: Uhh — no. [ he picks up an oversized glass ] I am… good… on water.

Jay Pharoah: Ohhh-kay. [ he sighs, as the theme music pots up ] Hey, there it is! “The Jay Pharoah Show”: 2012. Thank you for watching!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Goodnights

…..Daniel Radcliffe

Daniel Radcliffe: Thank you very much to Lana Del Rey! And everybody who puts this show on every week, thank you so much! Good night! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

You Can Do Anything!

Kristina Nichols…..Vanessa Bayer
Roger Knight…..Bill Hader
Liam Terry…..Taran Killam
Taylor Dawn…..Jason Sudeikis
Brad Lewis…..Daniel Radcliffe

Kristina Nichols: Hi, I’m Kristina Nichols. I’m a photo blogger.

Roger Knight: I’m Roger Knight, an independant filmmaker.

Kristina Nichols: And welcome to “You Can Do Anything!”, the only show that celebrates the incredibly high self-esteem of the YouTube generation.

Roger Knight: Because now, thanks to technology and everyone being huge pussies about everything, it doesn’t matter if you have skills or training or user experience, you can do it.

Kristina Nichols: You can do anything!

Roger Knight: So let’s welcome our first guest: Liam Terry!

[ Liam Terry enters ]

Liam Terry: Hi everyone, I’m Liam Terry from liamterry.com.

Kristina Nichols: You’re so self-promotional, and everyone enjoys that!

Roger Knight: Tell us, what will you be doing today?

Liam Terry: I’ll be juggling ten bowling pins!

Roger Knight: So you’re a juggler?

Liam Terry: No.

Kristina Nichols: But you have juggled before?

Liam Terry: Never.

Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: Then you can do it!

[ he throws the ten pins in the air, and they come crashing down on him ]

Liam Terry: [ proudly ] I juggled!

Roger Knight: You sure did. Now when people ask if you’re a juggler, you can say yes!

Liam Terry: Because I have no shame or self-awareness.

Kristina Nichols: Okay, let’s meet our next guest. Liam, you can leave or stay, whichever you’d like.

Liam Terry: I’ll stay, because I’m full of unearned confidence.

Roger Knight: That’s great. Let’s welcome our next guest: Taylor Dawn. [ Taylor Dawn enters ] Taylor! Great. Tell us about yourself.

Taylor Dawn: Well, I’m what you would call Twitter famous.

Roger Knight: Meaning?

Taylor Dawn: Not famous.

Kristina Nichols: And I assume your self-esteem reflects that?

Taylor Dawn: No, no, on the contrary, my self-esteem is through the roof, because no one has never been honest with me about how mediocre I am.

Roger Knight: And what if someone were to be honest with you?

Taylor Dawn: I would immediately cry.

Kristina Nichols: And that’s accepted now. So, what will you be doing today?

Taylor Dawn: I’ll be performing a song I wrote based upon a poem I wrote.

Kristina Nichols: Oh good, the world needs more singer-songwriters and fewer doctors and engineers.

Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: And you can do anything!

Taylor Dawn: [ singing ] “A blue bird on a red wood / A green apple on a yellow taxi / An orange orange on a blue bird / Black and white are the same color.” I’ve never been punched!

Roger Knight: Out of curiosity, how is your relationship with your parents?

Taylor Dawn: Oh it’s great, they’re my two best friends and they, you know, they always tell me I’m great I am at everything.

Kristina Nichols: Is that why you’re so sucky and you don’t realize it?

Taylor Dawn: Probably, yeah…

Roger Knight: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah… [ they laugh ] Let’s welcome our final guest: Brad Lewis.

[ Brad Lewis enters ]

Brad Lewis: Thanks.

Roger Knight: Brad, backstage you were confused and upset because our producer didn’t know who you were?

Brad Lewis: Oh, correct, you see I posted a video of myself online and one thousand people have watched it, therefore I assume everyone knows my name and admires my work.

Kristina Nichols: It’s almost as though you consider yourself a star even though you’re shockingly unfamous.

Brad Lewis: And untalented.

Roger Knight: Correct. Correct. If you think you’re talented, then you are.

Brad Lewis: Well, it’s like Albert Einstein said: “Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent getting your name out there!”

Roger Knight: What will you be doing today, Brad?

Brad Lewis: I’ll be combining my two life’s passions: Irish dancing and Chinese calliography.

Kristina Nichols: Which I believe was your double major in college?

Brad Lewis: No, I majored in poetry and clowning, it cost my parents about 400… uh, about $45,000 a year.

Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: See? You can do anything!

Brad Lewis: Hit it!

[ he begins to Irish dance as he draws random lines on an easel ]

Brad Lewis: I went to a schol with no grades!

Roger Knight: Great work, Brad. Great, great, great work, Brad.

Brad Lewis: I tried and therefore no one should criticize me.

Roger Knight: Let’s take a break.

Kristina Nichols: When we return, I’ll give out the award for the best guest to all of our guests on…

Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: “You Can Do Anything!”

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 14th, 2012

Daniel Radcliffe

Lana Del Rey

None

None

None

Romney: Believe in AmericaSummary: Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) brings his campaign to the people of South Carolina, and tries to relate in a normal manner to some of them while dining at Jim Bob’s Kitchen.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney.

Transcript

Montage

Daniel Radcliffe’s MonologueSummary: Daniel Radcliffe admits to the audience that he’d rather not do the expected “Harry Potter” sketch, considering the many parodies “SNL” has already done over the years.

Transcript

Ricky Gervais PromosSummary: After his controversial hosting of last year’s Golden Globes, Ricky Gervais (Jason Sudeikis) is back to host again, and will also be pushing the envelope as host of Nick’s Kids Choice Awards, the BET Awards, and many others.

Recurring Characters: Ricky Gervais.

Target LadySummary: Despite being harassed by the manager (Bill Hader), stock boy (Daniel Radcliffe) tries to buff himself up so the Target Lady (Kristen Wiig) will take notice of his romantic intentions.

Recurring Characters: Target Lady.

You Can Do Anything!Summary: No-talent hacks who have posted their videos online are invited to perform their half-assed schtick on television.

Transcript

Spin The BottleSummary: Dave’s (Daniel Radcliffe) trepidations about playing Spin The Bottle are confirmed when his spins keep landing on a series of homeless hoboes (Bobby Moynihan, Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson, Bill Hader, Jay Pharoah).

Delaware FellasSummary: The new musical may be a lame, low-cost rip-off of “Jersey Boys”, but it has the full approval of Vice-President Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Joe Biden.

Hogwarts AcademySummary: Ten years after graduating, boy-wizard Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) remains at Hogwart’s as a hanger-on still reliving his past glories.

Recurring Characters: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger.

Transcript

Lana Del Rey performs “Video Games”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Kim Jong Un’s Two Best Friends From Growing Up (Vanessa Bayer, Fred Armisen) gush about him while quietly distancing themselves from his behavioral quirks. Casey Anthony’s newly-adopted Yorkshire Terrior (Daniel Radcliffe) comments on his misfortune to now be living with the murderous mom.

X27B TheaterSummary: In 2112, a theater group performs a play about how life was lived one hundred years earlier, aptly demonstrating how comically life has changed during that time.

Glenda Okones for MayorSummary: Frowny-faced Glen Falls mayoral candidate Glenda Okones (Kristen Wiig) runs an attack ad on herself.

Transcript

Glenda Okones for Mayor IISummary: Frowny-faced Glen Falls mayoral candidate Glenda Okones (Kristen Wiig) lists further flaws in a personalized attack ad on herself.

Transcript

The Jay Pharoah ShowSummary: Jay Pharoah interviews Daniel Radcliffe, despite being ignorant about the “Harry Potter” films and only able to perform his usual celebrity impressions.

Transcript

Glenda Okones for Mayor IIISummary: Frowny-faced Glen Falls mayoral candidate Glenda Okones (Kristen Wiig) lists yet another character flaw during a flagrant attack ad on herself.

Transcript

Lana Del Rey performs “Blue Jeans”

Exit PollingSummary: In New Hampshire, an overeager pollster (Kristen Wiig) propositions primary voter (Daniel Radcliffe) after he casts his ballot.

Transcript

Headz UpSummary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.

Note: This ad parody has been cut from several dress rehearsals throughout the season.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Maternity WardSummary: Jay-Z (Jay Pharoah) visits the maternity ward after Beyonce gives birth to their child.

Verizon

CruiseSummary: While on their anniversary cruise, a married couple (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig) focus only on one another, despite attempts by their kids (Danielle Radcliffe, Vanessa Bayer) to alert them about Grandma’s (Nasim Pedrad) failing health.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 11

11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

White People Problems

…..Charles Barkley
Dylan…..Fred Armisen
Casey…..Vanessa Bayer
Rashad Evory…..Kenan Thompson
Ashley…..Abby Elliott
Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington…..Jay Pharoah
Kayla Vandercronk…..Kristen Wiig
Trevor Vandercronk…..Taran Killam

[ open on channel logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching Investigation Discovery.

[ dissolve to Dramatic Re-enactment of couple arguing with clerk at airport counter ]

Charles Barkley V/O: Dylan and Casey were flying to a weekend getaway in Key West. When they got to the airport, they discovered their seats were not together.

[ dissolve to Charles Barkley ]

Charles Barkley: Unfortunate situations like this one happen to millions of people every day, and we’ll explore them on “White People Problems” ]

[ dissolve to opening graphics ]

[ dissolve back to Charles Barkley ]

Charles Barkley: Let’s start with Dylan and Casey. Even though they bought their tickets separately, they assumed the airline would know “they ALWAYS sit together.”

[ on the re-enactment footage, the clerk gives the couple a dirty look ]

[ return to Barkley, now standing next to clerk Rashad Evory ]

Charles Barkley: I’m joined by Rashad Evory, who is the Delta clerk on the scene. Rashad, were Dylan and Casey married, or is he just hittin’ that.

Rashad Evory: Neither, man. They was just friends!

Charles Barkley: He’s friends with a woman he’s not having sex with?

Rashad Evory: [ chuckling ] Hey… some white guys do that — I don’t know, man! So she started screaming about how she gets nervous flying, and needs him to sit next to her.

Charles Barkley: They should just DRIVE!

Rashad Evory: That’s what I said! But he was, like, [ exaggerated ] “You expect me to drive all the way to Key West?!” You know how white dudes talk! [ they both laugh ] And I’m like, “Why not?!”

Charles Barkley: You know, I had to drive to a family reunion in Puerto Rico one time.

Rashad Evory: My cousin drive to Australia in a Cadillac Fleetwood!

Charles Barkley: That’s right! Now, walk me through happened next.

Rashad Evory: Oh, I don’t know — I went on break!

Charles Barkley: There you go!

[ they smack hands, as title graphics swoosh across the screen and lead to Barkley alone once again ]

Charles Barkley: [ catching his breath ] Next up on “White People Problems”, Ashley was just some ordinary mom taking her kids to Arby’s. But when she started to ask questions, she found herself staring down the barrel of a Caucasian crisis.

[ dissolve to re-enactment footage of Ashley at an Arby’s counter ]

Ashley: Now… does this chicken come from green organic farms?

[ the Black cashier stares at the camera ]

[ return to Barkley, now standing with the cashier ]

Charles Barkley: Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington was on the scene. Now, “Dice” — what was going on with this lady?

Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: [ shrugging ] She wanted to know about the chicken.

Charles Barkley: Like was it delicious?

Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: No. She was like, “Is the chicken free-range?” Like, “Was it cooped up with other chickens, or did it have the freedom to come and go as it pleased?”

Charles Barkley: Are you serious?! She was worrying about that?! Has this woman ever heard of slavery?!

Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: I don’t think so.

Charles Barkley: Well, then, what did she say?

Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: She said, uhhh… uhhhh…

Charles Barkley: Oh, you weren’t listening?

Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: I wasn’t listening.

Charles Barkley: I know. Hey, that’s what they call — they call that White Noise.

Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: Oh, right, right!

[ they smack hands and laugh, as title graphics swoosh across the screen and lead to Barkley alone once again, with “BREAKING CRISIS” graphics ]

Charles Barkley: Hey — we just received word from the crisis center that there’s a white emergency in progress. Let’s talk live with Trevor and Cayla Vandercronk.

[ reveal Trevor and Cayla live via satellite ]

Cayla Vandercronk: Hello? Is someone there?

Charles Barkley: Yes! Thank you for joining us with some very important problems. What’s the situation?

Trevor Vandercronk: Well… this whole thing is a bit awkward.

Charles Barkley: For those of you at home, “awkward” is a white people word that can be applied to every situation.” Trevor, what’s happening?

Trevor Vandercronk: Well, we told our friends they could stay at our summer house this weekend, but… now our plans have changed and… we want to stay there.

Cayla Vandercronk: [ smiling ] It’s the worst!

Charles Barkley: Yes, that is the worst. Why don’t you just stay there with them — you stay in your room, and they sleep in the bath tub?

Cayla Vandercronk: Well, it’s not a problem of room — we have five spare bedrooms.

Charles Barkley: [ outraged ] Why do you have FIVE spare bedrooms?! Do you have FIVE grandmas?!

Trevor Vandercronk: No. Look — the whole thing is really delicate, because this is a couple we used to do the holidays with, and we don’t any more, and there’s hurt feelings all around… so…

Charles Barkley: Man, that problem is so WHITE it should go SNOWBOARDING!

Cayla Vandercronk: Can you help us?

Charles Barkley: No, I’m on break!

[ Barkley leaves ]

Trevor Vandercronk: [ confused ] Hello?

Cayla Vandercronk: He was just talking to us…

Trevor Vandercronk: Is it…? Did we…?

[ cut to Barkley approaching Michael and Rashad with a black girl backstage ]

Charles Barkley: What up, darling?

[ cut to title graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts