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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

Say Anything

Lloyd Dobler…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Male Neighbor…..Jason Sudeikis
Female Neighbor…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on TBS logo ]

Announcer: We now return to the TBS Sunday Night Movie: “Say Anything”.

[ dissolve to film clip: Ione Skye’s Diane Court lying on bed ]

[ cut to exterior of house, John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler, holding the boombox playing Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” below her bedroom window ]

[ suddenly, a neighbor man carrying a bag of garbage steps into the frame, looks Lloyd up and down, then glances up at the window ]

Male Neighbor: Alright.

[ he continues on his way, then re-enters the frame ]

Male Neighbor: Hey, man… why are you pointing that boombox at my neighbor’s house?

Lloyd Dobler: Hey.

Male Neighbor: Wow! You’re dialed in, huh? What the hell are you doing?

Lloyd Dobler: Trying to win back Diane Court —

Male Neighbor: Oh, yeah?

Lloyd Dobler: The girl I love. She dumped me.

Male Neighbor: Nice. Alright. [ he shrugs ] Okay.

[ he continues on his way, then re-enters the frame again ]

Male Neighbor: Did you try giving her flowers or something, first?

Lloyd Dobler: I gave her my heart; she gave me a… pen.

Male Neighbor: [ laughing ] Yeesh! Yikes! Aw, man! Okay, I get it now — you’re trying to scare the HELL out of her! Alright! Yeah, but I don’t know about this whole boombox and trenchcoat thing, but, uh — hey, good luck.

Lloyd Dobler: Thank you.

Male Neighbor: Yeah!

[ he continues on his way, then re-enters the frame yet again ]

Male Neighbor: Alright, so hold on. Now,is that you singing?

Lloyd Dobler: No, it’s Peter Gabriel.

Male Neighbor: Ohhhh! From Genesis, huh?

Lloyd Dobler: You’re thinking of Phil Collins.

Male Neighbor: No, no! I know Phil Collins was in there! But there’s three guys in that band, alright? You got Peter Gabriel, Phil Collins, and, uhhh — well, there’s the third guy that prays every day that his mailbox will have some Genesis residuals! Right? [ he laughs heartily ] Ohhh… [ he snaps his fingers ] Mike Rutherford! Mike Rutherford, that’s who it was. So, why this tune?

Lloyd Dobler: It’s the song that was playing the first time we made love.

Male Neighbor: Ohhh, come on, brother! You don’t want to remember the first time! That’s the WORST! The first time’s weird! Unless she was slutty. You know, if she was slutty, you don’t have to worry about that. You don’t have to do all this romantic mumbo-jumbo if she’s slutty — you just gotta be MEAN to her, and she’ll come back to you. [ he shrugs ] I don’t know why that is. So, what are you, like, 19 or something?

Lloyd Dobler: 19.

Male Neighbor: 19? Yeah! Man, you got balls something the size of I-don’t-know-what! [ he laughs ] Hey, I’m gonna go grab my wife! She’d love this!

[ he exits the frame, then returns a moment later with his wife ]

Male Neighbor: Told ya’!

Female Neighbor: What’s he doing?

Male Neighbor: He’s trying to win back Diane Court.

Female Neighbor: So, what, did he write this song for her?

Male Neighbor: Mmm-mmm, no! It’s Peter Gabriel. He just hit “PLAY”!

Female Neighbor: He’s so weird.

Male Neighbor: Aw, come on, Lisa. The guy’s standing right here! [ to Lloyd ] Sorry about that, man. She’s joking around. You want a frozen grape?

Lloyd Dobler: No.

Male Neighbor: Hmm.

[ Lloyd lowers the boombox ]

Lloyd Dobler: Listen, can you hold this a second?

Male Neighbor: Yeah, sure. Your arms getting tired?

Lloyd Dobler: No!

Male Neighbor: Alright. [ he turns to his wife ] Hoo!

[ Lloyd pulls a tape recorder out of his pocket, then begins to speak into it ]

Male Neighbor: Oh, man…

Lloyd Dobler: Maybe I didn’t really know you —

Male Neighbor: [ to his wife ] This kid loves cassettes, huh?

Lloyd Dobler: Maybe you’re just a mirage. Maybe the whole world is full of —

Male Neighbor: You’ve got a lot of electronics, brother! You’re like a walking Radio Shack! [ he laughs ]

Female Neighbor: What’s he gonna do with this?

Male Neighbor: I don’t know. [ to Lloyd ] Are you just riffing this thing right now? I love it!

Female Neighbor: I’m gonna go back inside. This is kind of a bummer.

Male Neighbor: Alright, sweetie, I’ll see you in a sec.

[ she exits the frame ]

[ Lloyd grabs his boombox ]

Male Neighbor: There you go. Yeah, I’m gonna split, too, man. You take it easy, alright?

[ Lloyd raises the boombox above his head again ]

[ the neighbor man jokingly tickles under Lloyd’s arm, until Lloyd gives him a dirty look ]

Male Neighbor: Alright…

[ he exits once more ]

[ suddenly, the sounds of Phil Collins’ “Sussedio” are heard, as the neighbor man rushes back into frame with a boombox of his own ]

Male Neighbor: Nice! Genesis is back together! [ he laughs and raises his boombox over his head ] I’m just having fun, man! Take care, dude! Good luck!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

China Press Conference

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Hu Jintao…..Will Forte
Interpreter…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on C-SPAN card ]

Announcer: We will now take you live to Beijing for the joint press conference already under way between U.S. President Obama and Chinese President Hu Jintao.

[ dissolve to the press conference setting ]

President Barack Obama: As I already said privately, uhhh — I would like to thank President Jintao for his kind welcome and generous hospitality, and I hope that during this visit we can have a productive dialogue about the serious issues of concern that remain between our two countries — issues ranging from the unfair valuation of your currency to the trade imbalance, and, most importantly, human rights. Uhhh — I believe there can be a great partnership between us, but it will require compromise and understanding.

[ in each instance, as Hu Jintao responds in Chinese, his interpreter translates into English for Obama’s benefit ]

Interpreter: Thank you, Mr. President. I would like to add that I completely understand why you feel entitled to come here and lecture China on our shortcomings. After all, my country does owe the United States a great deal of money. Oh, wait! Hold on a moment! I believe I had that backwards. In fact, now that I think about it, it is your country that owes us a large sum of money. Is this correct?

President Barack Obama: Uh… yes.

Interpreter: Now, it’s coming back to me. I believe it’s $800 billion.

President Barack Obama: That is correct.

Interpreter: Such a large sum.

President Barack Obama: Yes, it is.

Interpreter: And, yet, you haven’t even mentioned it. That’s so odd.

President Barack Obama: Uhhh, look — you’re going to get your money.

Interpreter: Are we? Are we going to get our money? Because, from what I read, your country is in the middle of a serious recession.

President Barack Obama: Uh, well, while this is true, there are signs that our bailout has steadied the financial markets, and our stimulus package has been effective in fixing the job crisis.

Interpreter: I’m curious: How many jobs has it created?

President Barack Obama: Uhhhh — so far… none.

Interpreter: I see.

President Barack Obama: But our health care reform plan — we’re confident — is going to lead to enormous savings.

Interpreter: How exactly is extending health care coverage to 30 million people going to save you money?

President Barack Obama: I… don’t know.

Interpreter: And this “Cash for Clunkers” program? I have read that you purchased many clunkers with our money.

President Barack Obama: Yes, we have.

Interpreter: What does this word “clunkers” mean?

President Barack Obama: Well, a, uh, clunker is a car —

Interpreter: I know what a “clunker” is. And, just so there is no misunderstanding, you are not allowed to pay us back in clunkers.

President Barack Obama: Of course not.

Interpreter: You know, as I listen to you, I am noticing that each of your plans to save money involves spending even more money. This does not inspire confidence.

President Barack Obama: I assure you, you’re going to get your money.

Interpreter: Will you kiss me?

President Barack Obama: [ confused ] Sorry?

Interpreter: Will you kiss me?

President Barack Obama: I don’t understand.

Interpreter: I like to be kissed… [ they raise their voices ] when someone is doing sex to me!!

President Barack Obama: [ stunned ] There’s no need for that.

Interpreter: No? You know how many uninsured we have in China? One and a quarter billion. Billion! But I’ll tell you this: We don’t owe anyone $800 billion.

President Barack Obama: Well, obviously, we take our debt to you very seriously.

Interpreter: I suppose if I really wanted to get my money, I could call and say I was a Wall Street banker who needs his bonus. But, really, why should I have to stoop to that level?

President Barack Obama: You don’t have to stoop to any level.

Interpreter: Please understand, if it were my $800 billion I wouldn’t care. But it belongs to my country. I feel like I should bring it up.

President Barack Obama: You’re going to get your money.

Interpreter: Say, while you’re here, are you at least going to treat me to dinner and a movie?

President Barack Obama: I’m sorry?

Interpreter: I think it’s the polite thing to do… [ they raise their voices ] before doing sex to me!

[ Hu Jintao bends over ]

President Barack Obama: Mr. President, please!

Interpreter: Very well.

President Barack Obama: I assure you, that as soon we solve this economic crisis —

Interpreter: Which one? The one that your country’s reckless real estate speculation caused? That one? I just want to make sure I know which one we’re talking about.

President Barack Obama: We are taking steps to make sure that what happened will never happen again.

Interpreter: What steps?

President Barack Obama: Uhhhh — reform of banking regulations.

Interpreter: Do I look like Mrs. Obama?

President Barack Obama: What?

Interpreter: Do I look like Mrs. Obama?

President Barack Obama: Of course not.

Interpreter: Then why are you trying to… [ they raise their voices ] do sex to me like I was Mrs. Obama?

[ Hu Jintao bends over ]

President Barack Obama: Now, now!

Interpreter: Just do it! Get it over with!

President Barack Obama: Mr. President!

Interpreter: Don’t be a tease!

President Barack Obama: I just —

Interpreter: I can take it!

President Barack Obama: This is not the time or place!

Interpreter: Very well. In that case, I call this press conference to a close. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Monologue

…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Joseph Gordon-Levitt!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Thank you! Thank you! Thanks so much.

It feels SO good to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. And I’ll tell you why: I started out on television. Look, this is me, fifteen years ago on the show “Third Rock From the Sun”. [ reveal old photo ] I was such a CUTE little girl!

This last year, I got to be in a film called “(500 Days) of Summer”. [ the audience cheers ] So, one of my favorite parts in that movie was, I got to do this big dance number. Shooting that was the greatest day of my life. If you haven’t seen it, don’t worry — your girlfriend has.

But I had such a good time doing it, that, when I heard two months ago that I’m hosting this show, I thought… why not open with a big number? [ a woman whoos ] Now, my favorite — thank you! My favorite musical of all time is “Singing in the Rain”. So, when I was looking for a song to do, I immediately thought of one of the BEST songs in that film: Donald O’Conner’s “Make ‘Em Laugh”. Now, if you haven’t seen that movie, don’t worry — your grandma has. It’s a GREAT performance, and, uh, with your permission, I’d like to do it tonight. [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] Thank you! But, see, here’s the thing — when you get to host, the first thing you have to do is…

[ singing ]

Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Don’t you know everyone wants to laugh?
(Ha ha!)
My mom said “Be an actor, my son
But be a comic one
They’ll be standing in line
For those old honky tonk monkeyshines”

[ crew members pass by carrying a wide board, so Gordon-Levitt hops on for the ride ]

Now you could study Shakespeare and be quite elite
Or you can charm the critics and have nothin’ to eat
But slip on a banana peel
The world’s at your feet
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh

[ the crew members dump Gordon-Levitt off the board and let him fall to the floor ]

[ Gordon-Levitt looks up to see Bobby Moynihan standing on the set at Stage Left ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Bobby!

Bobby Moynihan: Hey! Welcome, Joe!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Can you believe it, man? They’re letting me do “Make ‘Em Laugh” on SNL!

Bobby Moynihan: No, I… can’t believe it.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Man, you gotta PINCH me or something, so I know I’m not dreaming!

Bobby Moynihan: Okay!

[ Bobby gives him a hard slap across the face ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: That wasn’t quite a pinch.

[ Bobby gives him a harder slap across the face ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Okay, that kinda hurt, actually.

[ Bobby coldcocks Gordon-Levitt across the face and knocks him to the floor ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: [ jumping to his feet ] Bobby Moynihan, ladies and gentlemen!

[ he continues to sing ]

Make ’em…
Make ’em laugh
Don’t you know everyone wants to laugh
My grandpa said, “Go out and tell ’em a joke
But give it plenty of hoke.”

Make ’em roar
Make ’em scream
Take a fall
Butt a wall
Split a seam

You start off by pretending
You’re a dancer with grace
You wiggle ’till they’re
Giggling all over the place
And then you get a… PIE in the face!
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh

[ he opens a door to a brick wall and walks face first into it ]

Bobby Moynihan: [ rushing in ] Oh, my God! Joe! Are you okay?

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Yeah. Yeah, no, I’m fine.

[ satisfied, Bobby coldcocks him across the face again ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Bobby Moynihan, ladies and gentlemen!

Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Don’t you know everyone wants to laugh?

[ he jumps in the air, falls to the floor, then spins his body in a circle on the floor ]

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[ he jumps to his feet, then collects his breath ]

Make ’em laugh, ha ha!

[ he runs to a side wall, runs up the side and backflips on to his feet with perfect balance ]

Make ’em laugh, ha ha!

[ he runs to the back wall, runs up the side and again backflips on to his feet with perfect balance ]

Make ’em laaaaaaugh, ha ha!

[ he runs into a corner wall to do the flip once more, but crashes through the breakaway wall instead ]

Make ’em laugh!
Make ’em laugh!
Make ’em laaaaaaaaugh!

[ he falls onto his back at Home Base, then flips up onto his feet ]

[ the audience cheers wildly ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Thank you! Thanks for letting me do that! We’ve got a great show! The Dave Matthews Band is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

The Mellow Show

Jack Johnson…..Andy Samberg
Dave Matthews…..Bill Hader
Boyd Tinsley…..Kenan Thompson
Jason Mraz…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Ozzy Osbourne…..Dave Mattews

[Open to title card “The Mellow Show with Jack Johnson]

VO: And now The Mellow Show, with your host, Jack Johnson.

Jack Johnson: (singing) Super mellow show. Tune in if you like. No pressure, whatever. It’s like walking on the beach, yeah. (speaking) Hi, I’m Jack Johnson and welcome to The Mellow Show. Cargo shorts. Joining me on the couch today is my partner in barefooted crime, the very mellow, Dave Matthews. Hi Dave.

Dave Matthews: Hi Jack.

Jack Johnson: Hi.

Dave Matthews: Hi.

Jack Johnson: Ultimate Frisbee. Before we get started, a quick announcement, be on the lookout for Ziggy, my escaped pet gecko in a fleece jester hat. Ziggy’s unique in that he can both roll and smoke doobies, and he is very much at large. So Dave, I understand you have a new song for us.

Dave Matthews: I do, Jack. It’s called Chicken Panini. (singing) I got a chicken Panini, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, [Enter electric violinist] Chicken Panini, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, ehhh. A toasted, melted sandwich with grilled marks for twooo. Chicken Panini!

Jack Johnson: Beautiful. Thank you for that, and thanks, of course, to your freaky fiddle player, who looks like he’s from The Matrix.

[Electric violinist bows and exits]

Our next guest loves shoes, almost as much as he loves hats. Please welcome, Jason Mraz.

Jason Mraz: Hi Jack.

Jack Johnson: Hi.

Jason Mraz: Hi.

Jack Johnson: Hi. Vegan cookies. So, Jason, what’ve you be up to?

Jason Mraz: Well, the usual. Maintaining my avocado farm and making music for girls. Oh and I’m doing a lot of scatting. [scats]

Jack Johnson: Wow that is some smooth scatting.

Jason Mraz: Scatting is good when you’re too mellow to actually write lyrics.

Dave Matthews: Oh yeah. Foot five to that.

[Jack and Dave foot five]

Jack Johnson: So, Jason, any new songs?

Jason Mraz: Yes, I recently composed a song called “Looking Good”.

Jack Johnson: Please style us a sample.

Jason Mraz: (singing to the tune of I’m Yours) “I wanna look good so I went to the hat store. I looks at a bunch of really cool fedoras. I put one on my head. It looks great.”

Jack Johnson: That went down easier than a frosty hochata. Now another quick announcement, please keep a look out for my pet ferret, Mr. Coconut. You’ll know him by his Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses, and of course, he can roll and smoke doobies. Our next guest used to be very unmellow, but now he mainly just shuffles around in warm up pants. Please welcome, Mr. Ozzy Osbourne. [Ozzy enters] So Ozzy, tell us about your transformation into mellowness.

Ozzy Osbourne: Ehhh, you can’t fly a bicycle and I’m not an octopus having a crap in the back of a van, I’m crying my bloody brains out, so mellow.

Jack Johnson: Okay. Do you have a mellow song you’d like to share with us?

Ozzy Osbourne: Oh sure. This one is about taking it easy and having fun. It’s called, I am tired, man. (screaming/singing) I’m like 35, I wear sweatpants all the time, hang out on my own and watch a Fraizer marathon. I’m taking it easy! Snacking on kettle corn. AHHHHHH.

Jack Johnson: That was not so mellow. In fact, I’m pretty sure you scared Dave Matthews.

Ozzy Osbourne: Well, what doesn’t scare Dave Matthews? Look at him, heeeeeeeee his stupid face and his stupid feet, and his voice makes me want to throw up in my hands.

Jack Johnson: Well, this has been fun. One last announcement. Keep your eyes peeled for my pet Komodo Dragon, Professor Munchie. Note his trademark fedora and Tiva sport sandals. If you do encounter Munchie, do not buy weed from him, as it is laced with PCP.

Ozzy Osbourne: All right!

Jack Johnson: No, no. Well that’s our show. Until next time, I’m Jack Johnson saying, hemp necklace. Goodbye.

Submitted by: Caper Gooden

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

Goodnights

…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: [ excited ] How ’bout it for the Dave Matthews Band!! And what — what an honor!! Al Gore!! Al Gore, ladies and gentlemen!! [ he hsakes hands with Gore and hugs him ] Also, to Mindy Kaling, thank you!! I want to thank everybody is this room, right here, right now!! Thank you!! And EVERYBODY, EVERYWHERE!!!! FOREVER MORE!!! This is Regular Joe saying, THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!!!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

Sarcastic Thanksgiving Dinner

Nancy…..Abby Elliott
Judith…..Kristen Wiig
Steve…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Terry…..Will Forte
Phil…..Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with a shot of a house at night. Cut to inside the house and there is a family eating Thanksgiving dinner. There is a tense, miserable atmosphere at the table]

Nancy: Anyone care for another helping of creamed beans? [silence] Phil, beans? [ Angry, Phil shows his plate full of beans] Terry? Creamed beans?

Terry: [offended] What?

Nancy: More beans?

Terry: No, Nancy.

Nancy: I slave for days in that kitchen…

Steve: We know mom! You said it a million times.

[tense silence]

Judith: A lot of traffic coming here tonight. Must be a concert.

Phil: [dripping sarcasm] Oh! Wow! Thank you!

Terry: [snippy] So apparently….

[Everyone jumps on Judith’s ass talking at once, Judith gets up to leave the table]

Phil: SIT DOWN!

Terry: SIT DOWN!

Nancy: SIT DOWN!

Steve: SIT DOWN!

Phil: Come on Judith! Sit down!

[Judith fuming sits down]

[tense silence]

Nancy: Steven, since it is Thanksgiving and you’re the only son who made it here today, would you like to do the traditional Thanksgiving toast?

Steve: No.

Nancy: You have nothing to say?

Steve: Nope.

Nancy: So, no?

Steve: Nope.

Judith: He said no.

[Hateful looks back and forth between Nancy and Judith]

[tense silence]

Terry: So, I, uh, brought a pumpkin cheesecake. Anyone ever try that? Pumpkin cheesecake?

Judith: I’ve had pumpkin cheesecake.

[Sarcasm from everybody towards Judith]

Phil: Really? Wow!

Terry: I want to hear everything about it! Pumpkin cheesecake? I want the recipe!

[All talking at once. Judith gets up to leave the table]

Terry: SIT DOWN!

Phil: Come on!

Steve: SIT DOWN!

Phil: Sit down! In your chair, Judith!

[Fuming Judith sits down]

Nancy: More wine?

[Everyone raises their glasses]

Phil: Yes, please!

Terry: Yes.

Steve: Yes.

Judith: Yes.

Steve: [drinks] Um, Nectar of the gods.

Phil: [annoyed] Ugh, come on. Don’t say nectar.

Steve: It’s what we call it on the cruise ship.

[sarcasm towards Steven]

Phil: Oh! Cruise ship!

Terry: Congratulations!

Phil: Nobody cares!

Steve: Well, at least I’m not in jail like Judith’s son.

Judith: You know what?

[Judith gets up to leave and everyone jumps on her ass again]

Phil: SIT DOWN! SIT DOWN!

Terry: SIT DOWN! COME ON!

[Judith sits. More tense silence]

Terry: This is a nightmare.

Phil: Who said that?

Terry: I did!

Phil: Did you now?

Terry: Ye-e-eah!

Phil: This is a nightmare? You don’t know nightmares!

[Everyone talking at once, Steven gets up]

Steve: JUST STOP IT! Look at us! We’re a family and mom’s right. This is a day for being thankful. You know what? [raises glass] I do have a Thanksgiving toast. I recall the words of a wise and wonderful Native American woman that I met in my cruise ship. Words that comforted me in those first couple of lonesome weeks as a sea performer. Found out later she was actually quoting a song. Greatest song ever written. [sings Wilson Phillips hit] Someday, somebody’s is gonna make you turn around and say goodbye…

[All at the table sing, joining in harmoniously]

Everyone: Till then baby, are you gonna let them hold you down and make you cry…

Phil: Don’t you know?

[Everyone has arms on each others shoulders]

Everyone: Don’t you know? Things will change, things will go your way, if you hold on for one more day. Yeah! If you ho-o-old on!

Judith: Wa, wa, wa, wa, wa….

Nancy: [angry] Oh, that’s En Vogue, Judith!

Terry: Judith, come on! You ruined it!

[Everyone shouts at Judith to sit down, Judith finally leaves, the family keeps screaming]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted: by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

Palin 2012

[ card: “An SNL Movie Trailer Re-Cut” ]

[ a montage of ominous graphic images from “2012” ]

ALL THE SIGNS WERE THERE

WE WERE WARNED…

THIS DAY WOULD COME

[ cut to Brian Williams delivering the Nightly News, with “Decision 2012” graphic ]

Brian Williams: Good evening, from Capitol Hill…

[ people stand before a chasm in the street ]

[ on TV, police control riots in London ]

Brian Williams V/O: What a day this has been…

[ Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio De Janeiro crumbles ]

[ cut back to Brian Williams on TV ]

Brian Williams: The nation has a new president…

[ birds fly into the sky ]

[ cut to a night group prayer vigil in the Vatican ]

[ cut to Sarah Palin, with SUPER: “BREAKING NEWS: PRESIDENT-ELECT SARAH PALIN” ]

Voice: SARAH PALIN!!

Sarah Palin: Thank you so much!

[ the United States Capitol Rotunda falls onto the crowd below ]

[ explosions! ]

[ tidal waves! ]

[ destruction! ]

[ mayhem! ]

[ oh, my! ]

Monk: [ in subtitles ] But she’s unqualified…

THE DNC PRESENTS

FROM THE MIND OF KEITH OLBERMANN

Hillary Clinton: People are scared…

A POLITICAL DISASTER

OF EPIC PROPORTIONS

Sarah Palin: I don’t know what I’m gonna be doing in 2012…

[ a city collapses into the sea ]

[ cut to Sarah Palin on TV ]

Sarah Palin: As for my running-mate…

[ intercuts of people turning to look with worry ]

Sarah Palin: It was an honor to stand beside a true American hero.

[ cut to Glenn Beck crying, with SUPER: “Vice President Glenn Beck” ]

Glenn Beck: [ sniffing ] I’m sorry… I’m just a guy who cares an awful lot about my country.

[ cut to man fleeing in his car ]

Man: Holy sh–

[ roads explode ]

Sarah Palin: Thanks, but no thanks, on that Bridge to Nowhere…

[ a fireball strikes an Obama campaign van ]

ON ELECTION DAY 2012

PLANET EARTH

[ the Washington Monument cracks in half ]

IS GOING ROGUE

[ a tidal wave strikes the White House and crushes it to bits ]

“PALIN 2012”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

November 21st, 2009

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Dave Matthews Band

None

Al Gore

Mindy Kaling

None

China Press ConferenceSummary: During press conference in China, President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) manages to upset Chinese leader Hu Jintao (Will Forte) regarding money owed to his country.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Joseph Gordon Levitt’s MonologueSummary: Joseph Gordon-Levitt demonstrates his excitement by performing Donald O’Conner’s “Make ‘Em Laugh” routine from “Singin’ in the Rain”.

Transcript

Palin 2012Summary: In a recut movie trailer, the election of President Sarah Palin and Vice-President Glenn Beck brings about the end of days.

Transcript

Secret WordSummary: Emcee Lyle Round (Bill Hader) is frustrated when celebrity panelists Mindy Gracin (Kristen Wiig) and Ricardo Gonzales (Joseph Gordon Levitt) are unable to grasp the concept of the game without sacrificing their huge egos.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg raps about his insisted relationship with what he thinks is Reba McEntire (Kenan Thompson).

Transcript

Mellow ShowSummary: Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) welcomes mellow guests Dave Matthews (Bill Hader) and Jason Mraz (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), and not-as-mellow-as-advertised Ozzy Osbourne (Dave Matthews).

Recurring Characters: Jack Johnson, Dave Matthews, Ozzy Osbourne, Boyd Tinsley.

Transcript

What Up With That?Summary: Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts guests Al Gore, Mindy Kaling, and Lindsey Buckingham (Bill Hader) so he can continue singing his theme song.

Recurring Characters: Diondre Cole, Lindsey Buckingham.

Dave Matthews Band performs “You & Me”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Fulfilling NBC’s “Green Week” platform, Al Gore outlines a more passive-aggressive, downright crazy, approach to spreading the world about global warming.

Transcript

Sarcastic Thanksgiving DinnerSummary: Nancy (Abby Elliott), her sons (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and Judith (Kristen Wiig) make sarcastic remarks to one another over a tense Thanksgiving dinner

Recurring Characters: Nancy, Judith, Phil.

Transcript

Woman to WomanSummary: Aggressive producer Roger Brush (Fred Armisen) fills in when the regular female host is too ill to do the show.

Transcript

Dave Matthews Band performs “Shake Me Like A Monkey”

Say AnythingSummary: While trying to woo back Diane Court while holding a boombox outside her bedroom window, Lloyd Dobler (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) withstands questions and interruptions from her neighbors (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig).

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Glamour GirlSummary: A crisis breaks out, but superhero Glamour Girl (January Jones) is slow to react because she takes too much time getting herself put together.

He Likes You Danceb>Summary: A pair of attractive girls (Jenny Slate, Nasim Pedrad) gain the attention of two lovestruck men (Andy Samberg, Joseph Gordon-Levitt) in a bar who are doing a funny dance, and wonder what they might be thinking.

Kickspit Underground Rock FestivalSummary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) promote an under-underground rock festival.

Recurring Characters: DJ Super Soak, Lil Blaster.

Note: This sketch would later be performed on the episode hosted by Blake Lively.

Gator WorldSummary: The owner (Jason Sudeikis) of Gator World makes the audience sit through his kids singing about chickens.

Andy RooneySummary: Andy Rooney (Fred Armisen) opines about his favorite things.

Recurring Characters: Andy Rooney.

Clancy T. Bachleratt and Jackie Snad Sing Songs about Spaceships, Lullabies & Jars of BeerSummary: Spokesman (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) touts the joint collaboration of patriotic country musicians Clancy T. Bachleratt (Will Forte) and Jackie Snad (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Clancy T. Bachleratt, Jackie Snad.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

An SNL Digital Short

Fred…..Fred Armisen
Andy…..Andy Samberg
Date…..Nasim Pedrad

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ open on exterior, apartment building ]

[ dissolve to interior hallway of Fred and Andy’s apartment, as Fred makes his way toward the bathroom ]

[ Fred opens the door, only to find a stunned Andy sitting on the toilet holding a newspaper ]

Andy: Dude! What are you doing?!

Fred: [ cowering in embarrassment ] Sorry, sorry, sorry!

Andy: Get out of here! Close the door! Get out!

[ Fred quickly closes the bathroom door ]

[ cut to exterior, apartment building ]

[ dissolve to interior, hallway, as Fred stands in front of the bathroom door and knocks first ]

Fred: Anybody in there? [ he knocks again ] Hello? Coming in. Anybody?

[ Fred keeps knocking, then, satisfied the bathroom is inoccupado, he opens the door ]

[ inside, Andy is seated on the toilet rocking out to the music on his headphones; he reacts to Fred’s intrusion ]

Andy: Dude! What are you doing?!

Fred: I knocked! I knocked!

Andy: I had HEADPHONES on!! Get out!!

[ Fred retreats and shuts the door ]

[ cut to exterior, apartment building, night ]

[ dissolve to Fred and his date walking down the hallway outside of his apartment, as he opens the door ]

Fred: This is my place.

Date: Cool!

[ they enter the apartment ]

Date: [ shocked ] Oh!

[ reveal Andy seated on a toilet in the living room, reading a newspaper, “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” playing in the background ]

Andy: Oh! No! Someone’s in here! Get out! Get ou-out!!

[ Fred and his retreat to the outer hallway and shut the door ]

[ cut to exterior, apartment building ]

[ dissolve to Fred standing outside the elevator; he presses the button ]

[ the elevator doors open, revealing Andy seated on the toilet ]

Andy: Get out of here!!

Fred: Sorry! [ he covers his eyes ]

Andy: Get ou-out!!

[ Andy presses the button to close the elevator doors ]

[ cut to exterior, gym, night ]

[ dissolve to Fred running on a treadmill ]

Andy: I said get out of here!!

[ reveal Andy seated on toilet at next treadmill over ]

Fred: Sorry…

Andy: come on, dude!

[ cut to exterior, 30 Rockefeller Center, night ]

[ dissolve to front walk, as Fred steps out of the building ]

Andy’s Voice: Hey!!

[ pan over to reveal Andy seated on toilet on the sidewalk ]

Andy: I’m out here!! Come on!!

[ Fred turns and re-enters the building ]

[ cut to exterior, 30 Rockefeller Center, day ]

[ dissolve to Fred walking down the hall, as he passes a monitor with an image of Andy seated on the toilet ]

Andy (on monitor): Someone’s in here!

Fred: [ confused ] What?

Andy (on monitor): Hey!

[ pan over to reveal Andy seated before videocamera a few feet down the hall ]

Andy: I said someone’s in here, man!

Fred: I’m sorry!

Andy: Go! Get out!

[ Fred retreats down the hall ]

[ cut to exterior, apartment building ]

[ dissolve to interior, hallway, as Fred stands in front of the bathroom door and knocks first ]

Fred: Anybody in there? Roomie? [ no answer ] I know you’re at work, so… you cannot be in there. I know I’m just talking to myself right now. [ he pushes the door open slowly, revealing no one inside ] You’re not in there, right? okay. Alright.

[ Fred enters the bathroom and shuts the door behind him ]

[ Fred turns his back to the toilet, drops his pants, and sits down — right onto Andy’s lap ]

Andy: DUDE!!

[ both guys begin to scream at the horror, as a full shot reveals Fred seated on Andy’s lap ]

Fred: I’m sorry!! I’m sorry!!

[ cut to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

January Jones’ Monologue

…..January Jones
Mad Mennies…..Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Fred Armisen
Joan…..Abby Elliott

Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen — January Jones!

January Jones: Thank you! Thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Most of you probably know me from the show “Mad Men”, where I plair — play the hilarious Betty Draper. [ barely audible smattering of applause ] “Mad Men” is about advertising exit — executives in the 1960’s, and, although we’re on a cable network, we still have a very loyal following.

[ three guys in the audience, dressed like Mad Men, stand up with lit cigarettes and Scotch glasses in their hands, chanting “Betty! Betty! Betty!”

January Jones: Aw. It’s our super fans. They’re called Mad Mennies.

Mad Mennies: [ simultaneously ] Hey! Hey! Hello! Martini? You want a cigarette?

January Jones: Mad Mennies are such fanatics, they dress up like the characters and memorize every episode. They’re like Trekkies.

Mad Mennie #1: [ chuckling heartily ] Trekkies are LOSERS who live with their parents and pretend they’re in SPACE!

Mad Mennie #2: Yeah! Weeee live with our parents and pretend we’re in advertising. MUCH cooler!

January Jones: Yeah. Well, I’m very flattered that you like the show so much.

Mad Mennie #3: What? Like it? We LOVE it!!

Mad Mennie #1: Yeah! That’s why we all learned how to SMOKE!

[ they clumsily puff their cigarettes and cough ]

January Jones: That’s very impressive.

Mad Mennie #1: Yeah, we, uh, even have a “Mad Men” drinking game!

Mad Mennie #2: We drink every time a character drinks.

Mad Mennie #3: Yeah, we never finish an episode, though — we’re always blacking out!

[ they laugh collectively ]

Mad Mennie #1: Hey! Do Betty for us!

Mad Mennie #2: Bo Betty!

Mad Mennie #3: Do it!

Mad Mennie #1: Come on! Do Betty!

January Jones: [ laughing ] Guys, I’m not gonna do Betty!

Mad Mennie #3: Do it! Say “Don.”

Mad Mennie #1: Yeah! Say “Don”!

Together: “Don!” Don!” “Don!”

January Jones: Fine. [ she lowers her head, then raises up her stone face ] “Don.”

[ the guys laugh with great pleasure, still chanting “Don!” “Don!” ]

Mad Mennie #1: Hey! That’s why you’re our favorite. Betty.

Mad Mennie #2: It’s Betty, all the way.

Mad Mennie #3: [ a beat ] I like Peggy.

[ Mad Mennie #2 gives Man Mennie #3 a dirty look for dissenting from group opinion ]

January Jones: Ah, me, too! [ she laughs ] Alright, gentlemen, thank you for coming —

Mad Mennie #3: Wait, wait, hold on! Wait a second! Let us at least sing you the, uh, them song, huh?

January Jones: But our theme song doesn’t have lyrics.

Mad Mennie #2: [ proudly ] We wrote lyrics!

Mad Mennie #3: Let us sing it for ya’, huh?

Mad Mennie #1: Come on! Please? Come on, Bets! Bets!

Mad Mennie #3: Come on!

Mad Mennie #1: Yeah? Alright!

[ the guys rush onto the stage ]

Mad Mennie #1: [ holding a card in front of January ] Here’s the words right here — oh! Wait, wait, wait! We need our Joan! Where’s Joanie?

[ suddenly, Joan sashays up the stage and balances herself next to the guys ]

Joan: I’m Joan!

January Jones: [ laughing ] Yeah, I know!

Mad Mennie #3: Okay, ready? 2! 3! 4!

Together: [ singing ]
“Mad Men! Mad Men!
60’s! Cigarettes!
Thin, tight, short hair!
Mad Men! Ma-a-a-ad men!”

January Jones: Wow! Thank you, Mad Mennies! [ to the audience ] We’ve got a great show — the Black Eyed Peas are here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts