[ open on interior, hospital room, old lady lying in a coma ]
[ the Chocoate Bar appears in the door frame, and peeks in with a sadistic grin ]
[ the Chocolate Bar stands over the old lady’s body and smiles ]
Doctor’s Voice: Hey!
[ the Chocolate Bar looks up, as the Doctor appears in the door frame ]
Doctor: What are you doing? —
[ a bullet fires into the Doctor’s heart. He gurgles as he falls to the floor ]
[ reveal the Chocolate Bar pointing a gun ]
[ the Chocolate Bar lowers the gun and plants it in the hand of the old lady in a coma ]
[ as the Chocolate Bar turns to leave, he is suddenly inspired to wreak further mischief, and frantically rips the tubes apart from the old lady before running out of the hospital room ]
Jingle: “La la la, la-la-la-la, la la! Death By Chocolate!”
[ open on exterior, alley, as Homeless Bum digs in a dumpster ]
[ in the background, a Chocolate Bar saunters past the alley, then stops when he spies the homeless bum in the foreground and begins to casually strut toward him ]
[ the Chocolate Bar moves closer and peers over the homeless bum’s shoulder unnoticed ]
[ the Chocolate Bar turns around, smiles, then raises a knife ]
[ the Chocolate Bar suddenly stabs the homeless bum in the back several times, until he fells him to the grass ]
[ the Chocolate Bar quickly throws the knife into the distance, then turns around and runs off ]
Jingle: “La la la, la-la-la-la, la la! Death By Chocolate!”
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis Bill…..Bill Hader Will…..Will Forte Amie…..Ashton Kutcher
[ open on interior, barroom, as Jason, carrying bottles of beer, approaches table to rejoin Bill and Will ]
Jason: Anybody ready for another round?
Bill: Yeah!
Will: Yeah!
Amie: [ stepping up ] Hey, hey, hey, nice! You came through!
[ everyone happily grabs a bottle of beer ]
Amy: Gentlemen — for the next five songs, that jukebox is all ours!
[ the buddies clink their beer bottles together ]
Buddies: Alright! Whoo!
[ “Amie”, by the Pure Prairie League, begins to emanate from the jukebox ]
Jason: Perfect.
Bill: Great song.
Will: I love this!
Jason: Uh — uh — this is “Amie”, right? The song “Amie”?
Amie: Yeah, you noticed!
Will: I haven’t heard this osng in years.
Bill: It’s a classic!
Jason: Oh, man! You know, I just downloaded this last week! This song is the best! Hey, you know who this song reminds me of?
Amie: Amie.
Jason: No, no — Heather!
Bill: Hey, yeah — have things gotten better?
Jason: much better. I mean, you guys know we had that rough patch, what, like four months ago? Then, all of a sudden, things changed. You know? She’s so? laid-back now, and… she’s finally listening to me.
Will: [ smiles ] Well, that’s great.
Jason: Yeah! the SEX has been awesome! She doesn’t say no to anything any more! And, I gotta be honest — I actualy went out and looked at engagement rings last week.
Bill: [ impressed ] Man! You’re gonna ask her to marry you?
Jason: I think I will — right after she comes out of the coma.
Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ] “Amie, what you wanna do I think I could stay with you For a while, maybe longer if I do.”
Jason: [ gazing into his beer ] Man, oh man — I love being a doctor!
[ they all drink from their beers ]
Bill: You know you this song reminds me of/
Amie: Amie?
Bill: Nope — Connie Chung.
Jason: Mmm…
Bill: You guys know I have two fetishes — Asians, and broadcast journalists. So, in my mind, the name “Connie Chung” translates to “the perfect storm”.
Jason: [ clinking bottles with Amie ] Hurricane Connie!
Bill: Well, I’ve been writing her letters for years, then I finally got to meet her face-to-face. I’ll never forget it.
Jason: Oh, yeah? Wow! What’d she say?
Bill: It was great. She said, “You can keep the panties… just get the hell out of my shower before I call the cops!”
Jason: Yep!
Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ] “Amie, what you wanna do I think I could stay with you For a while, maybe longer if I do-oo-oo-oo!”
Bill: Great panties — they fit my face perfectly!
[ the buddies all smile ]
Will: Well… I’ll tell you who this song reminds me of.
Amie: Amie!
Bill: No — Courtney.
Buddies: Aw, come on!
Bill: Did you finally ask her out?
Will: I did. I remember this song was playing that night. and I finally worked up the nerve to talk to her, and she just stonewalled me. And I said, “What’s wrong?” and she said she could never go out with me. I asked why, and she said, “I found out you’re a pedophile.” And I was, like, “A pedophile? A pedophile?! That’s a pretty big word for a ten year-old!”
Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ] “Amie, what you wanna do I think I could stay with you For a while, maybe longer if I do-oo-oo-oo!”
Will: [ scowls ] That little tattletale! Her mom broke up with me!
[ some of the buddies sip their beers ]
Amie: I’ll tell you what this song reminds me of — that time I had that, uh, prostate scare. I had to get those estrogent treatments?
Bill: Mmm-hmm… yeah.
Amie: Yeah, the side effects were TERRIBLE! I had nausea, vomiting… I ballooned up to, like, 300 pounds!
Bill: Uh-huh… yeah.
Amie: I remember I was in the shower, washing myself with a loofah tied to the end of a stick?
Bill: Yeah.
Amie: That’s when I realized I had to make a change. I looked down, and I couldn’t even see my own vagina!
Jason: Oh, man…
Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ] “Amie, what you wanna do I think I could stay with you For a while, maybe longer if I — longer if I do-oo-oo-oo!”
Amie: Yeah… you guys know I’m a chick, right?
Buddies: Oh, yeah, yeah… of course… yeah, yeah…
Amie: And you’re aware my name is “Amie”?
Buddies: [ as the realization hits ] Ohhhhhh!!
That’s why I picked this song!
Jason: I just got it! Oh, man, it’s good to finally see you guys again!
Will: Yeah, good times!
Buddies: Good times! Good times!
[ they all clink their beer bottles together ]
Amie: Good song!
Buddies: I love that song… yeah…
Amie: [ as he puts his bottle down ] So… you guys ready to do this?
Jason: Yeah, let’s do it!
[ they all reach below the table to pull out costumed hats, which make them look like the Village People ]
[ a disco ball lights up in the background, as “Y.M.C.A.” begins to blast from the jukebox and the four buddies dance to the music ]
Jamie Lee Curtis….Kristen Wiig Crystal Sprigg….Amy Poehler Michael Garret….Ashton Kutcher A.D. ….Bill Hader
[Opens on a TV studio floor. A stage resembling a nice living room]
Crystal Sprigg: Hi. How are you? Nice to see you. I’m Crystal Sprigg from Activia Yogurt.
Michael Garret: Oh, hi Crystal. I’m Michael Garret. I’m the director. I’m so excited to meet Jamie Lee Curtis. I’m such a fan of hers!
Crystal Sprigg: Yeah, she’s a delight. A real straight shooter. Did you see her on “Oprah”?
Michael Garret: Oh, yes, totally! Did you see her on the cover of AARP magazine? Oooh!
Crystal Sprigg: Yeah, she looked amazing. What an inspiration. It is so refreshing to see a 50 year old woman comfortable with her body.
Michael Garret: Yes, definitely.
[Jamie Lee Curtis appears eating an Activia yogurt. She wears a blue jean shirt, has short haircut, gray hair]
Jamie Lee Curtis: Hi, guys! Mind if I take my shoes off?
Crystal Sprigg: Hey, Jamie Lee.
Michael Garret: Jamie Lee.
Jamie Lee Curtis: I got to tell you. I cannot stop eating this Activia yogurt!
Crystal Sprigg: That’s so awesome! That’s what we love to hear!
Jamie Lee Curtis: So, where do you want me?
Michael Garret: Ok, Jamie, let’s just jump on this couch. [Jamie Lee and Michael sit on the couch. Jamie Lee is barefoot on the couch] Ah, you know, make yourself comfortable. Because this is all about you being you.
Jamie Lee Curtis: Ok, do you want my top on or off?
Crystal Sprigg:[confused] You can keep your top on.
Michael Garret: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Its just a yogurt commercial, so we’re good.
Jamie Lee Curtis: ‘Cause when I was on the cover of AARP magazine they were like “are you sure you don’t mind putting on a bathing suit?” and I was like “hell, I’ll take my top off and I’ll take my bottoms off” and I did. And they said “good for you, Jamie Lee” and I said “damn right good for me! I’m getting older and I look good and proud of it!
Michael Garret: Ok, Jamie Lee. Should we….should we try one?
Jamie Lee Curtis:[eating yogurt] Absolutely, absolutely. I mean, if I was 21 and doing this commercial I would have been all about what I look like. Now I’m like, hell yeah! I’ll sit on this couch and eat this yogurt that makes you crap.
Michael Garret: Ok,ok. Here we go. Let’s roll camera.
Jamie Lee Curtis: Ok, I killed this one, guys. Can I get another Activia?
Michael Garret: Oh, yes. Absolutely, let’s make that happen.
Crystal Sprigg: We love your enthusiasm, Jamie Lee!
Jamie Lee Curtis: I love your product!
[She gets another yogurt]
Michael Garret: Great.
[A.D appears ready to set the scene and shoot it]
A.D.: Jamie Lee, Activia. Take one. [clack!]
Michael Garret: And, action!
[Gentle theme music plays. On the top bottom of the screen there is the Dannon logo. On the bottom the Activia logo. Jamie Lee sits casually on the couch, feet up, barefoot]
Jamie Lee Curtis: First, the bad news. 87% of women suffer from digestive issues like ocassional irregularity. Now the good news–
[Jamie Lee freezes. Eyes wide open. Chin trembles. Left eye closes a bit]
Crystal Sprigg: You…, you ok Jamie Lee?
Jamie Lee Curtis: Yep, yep. I’m good. Just give me one second. Ok. I’m good. Are we still rolling?
Michael Garret: Yes, ma’am.
Jamie Lee Curtis: Now the good news. I just discovered Activia yogurt. And even better news it tastes—
[Jamie Lee freezes again. She stares wide-eyed at the floor]
Michael Garret: Uh, ok, all right. That’s a cut.
Crystal Sprigg: Jamie Lee, are you ok?
Jamie Lee Curtis: Yes, hell yeah! In fact, I am great. And I’ll tell you something else, when I was 18, 19, 20 years old I would have been afraid to say this but not now. I just pooped in my pants.
[Michael and Crystal are embarrased. Jamie Lee keeps gulping down the yogurt]
Michael Garret: Oh, no. Ummm…
Jamie Lee Curtis: No, no, no, no. I’m good, I’m good. And you know what else? I’m proud of it! I’ve eaten over 16 Activia yogurts today and I plan to eat at least 4 more. Pooped my pants as an older woman! Proud of it!
Crystal Sprigg: So, do you want to go to the dressing room?
Jamie Lee Curtis: Why, why would I do that? And make all these good people wait around? No way! When I was younger, a poop in my pants in a commercial shoot would have been embarrassing. But not now! I’m proud of it! Let’s go!
A.D.: Jamie Lee. Activia, take two.[clack!]
Michael Garret: Ok, uh, action!
Jamie Lee Curtis: First the bad news. 87% of women—I’m sorry, can we cut?
Michael Garret: Cut, cut!
Jamie Lee Curtis: You know what? I made mistake. I think I need to go to my trailer.
Michael Garret: Ok, all right, everybody. That’s it. Let’s take 10.
Jingle: Activia!
[Michael helps Jamie Lee stand up from the couch. She puts a hand on her butt and walks away from the set]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 33: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
April 12th, 2008 Ashton Kutcher Gnarls Barkley None Demi Moore Cameron Diaz General Petraeus Report on IraqSummary: General David Petraeus (Will Forte) reports on proceedings in Iraq, then criticizes the books written by John McCain (Darrell Hammond) and Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) while praising the one written by Barack Obama (Fred Armisen). Recurring Characters: John McCain, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama.
Montage
Ashton Kutcher’s MonologueSummary: Having recently produced shows like “Punk’d” and “Beauty & The Geek”, Ashton Kutcher takes this new role seriously enough to wander backstage to make helpful suggestions to SNL’s staff. First Hosted: 02r.
The Cougar DenSummary: Older gal pals Deidre Nicks (Amy Poehler), Jacqueline Seka (Kristen Wiig), and Toni Ward (Casey Wilson) comment about their college-aged boyfriends before introducing a fellow cougar, Kiki Deamore (Cameron Diaz), and the young stud (Ashton Kutcher) she keeps within her clutches. Recurring Characters: Deidre Nicks, Toni Ward, Jacqueline Seka, Kenneth, Kiki Deamore. Transcript
Outside the NightclubSummary: Ashton Kutcher assumes his prominence as a celebrity will get him right into a hip new nightclub, but the bouncer (Kenan Thompson) forces him to wait outside with gawky Oliver (Fred Armisen) while allowing more questionable patrons immediate access. Recurring Characters: Lyle Kane.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A video performance of “Daiquiri Girl” by Clementine is supposedly substandard fare only because musical guest Gnarls Barkley backed out of participating in a Digital Short at the last minute. Transcript
Activia Commercial ShootSummary: During a commercial shoot for Activia Yogurt, Jamie Lee Curtis (Kristen Wiig) can’t get enough of the product, nor can she stop pooping in her pants because of it. Transcript
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Travel writer Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig) counters her nervousness by constantly kidding around; political comedian Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) is unable to finish his thoughts on current events. Recurring Characters: Nicholas Fehn.
“Amie”Summary: While in a bar, the sounds of “Amie” on the jukebox spurns memories of unusual life-changing events for four buddies (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Bill Hader, Ashton Kutcher). Recurring Characters: Buddies. Transcript
Death By ChocolateSummary: A chocolate bar (Ashton Kutcher) stabs a homeless bum in the back. Transcript
The Mellow ShowSummary: Laid-back singer/songwriter Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) welcomes fellow casuals Dave Matthews (Bill Hader) and John Mayer (Ashton Kutcher) to his talk show. Recurring Characters: Jack Johnson, Dave Matthews, Boyd Tinsley, John Mayer.
Death By Chocolate IISummary: A chocolate bar (Ashton Kutcher) shoots a doctor (Jason Sudeikis), then plants the gun on a coma patient before pulling her plugs. Transcript
Gnarls Barkley performs “Who’s Gonna Save My Soul”
Dusty VelvetSummary: Paraplegic stripper Dusty Velvet (Casey Wilson) relies on assistance from the club emcee (Ashton Kutcher) to perform her erotic moves. Transcript
Death By Chocolate IIISummary: A chocolate bar (Ashton Kutcher) kills Andy Samberg with a chainsaw in his quick-change booth. Transcript
…..Amy Poehler …..Seth Meyers Thomas Beatie…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! And here are tonight’s top stories.
Amy Poehler: Hillary Clinton’s campaign, on Friday, released her joint tax returns, showing $109 million in income over the last seven years. Though most of that comes from Bill Clinton’s speaking engagements, book royalties, and stud fees.
The Olympic Torch arrived in Beijing Monday, where it immediately suffered an asthma attack and died.
Seth Meyers: Hillary Clinton, on Tuesday, said she is not a quitter, and compared herself to Rocky Balboa — the washed-up, over-the-hill, white contender, who, despite a herculean effort, is soundly beaten by the charismatic black guy!
In the wake of the expanding mortgage crisis, the Bush administration, on Monday, proposed the most far-reaching overhaul of the financial regulatory system since the Great Depression. On the downside, all banking transactions now begin with: “Pick a card.”
Amy Poehler: Sen. John Edwards said this week that he would not consider accepting a nomination for vice-president, adding: [ whispering ] “Yes, I would.”
Employers, who are concerned about a possible recession, cut 80,000 jobs in March, the most in five years. “This is an absolute dream come true!” said Doug Wentworth, a man who eats homeless people.
Seth Meyers: People in Cuba snatched up DVD players, pressure cookers, and other appliances on Tuesday, as a variety of consumer products went on sale for the first time. Unfortunately, this is causing massive lines at Cuba’s outlet.
After Governor Bill Richardson switched his support from Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama last week, an angry Bill Clinton said, “Five times to my face he said he would never do that.” Wow, so he looked you right in the face and lied to you. What’s that like?
[ suddenly, pregnant man homas Beatie enters the set ]
Thomas Beatie: It’s me, Thomas Beatie, the pregnant man who was on “Oprah”, because I’m pregnant — and a man.
[ Thomas purposely tries to stand in profile, so as to accentuate the baby in his womb ]
Amy Poehler: Right. Hi, Thomas, how are you?
Seth Meyers: It’s good to see you.
Amy Poehler: What’s up?
Thomas Beatie: Nothing’s up! It’s just that I’m having a baby shower for this little miracle rolling around on top of my prostate.
Seth Meyers: [ with great disinterest ] Uh-huh.
Thomas Beatie: And I wanted you two… to be there. [ he gently places two invitations on the news desk ]
Amy Poehler: Oh.
Seth Meyers: Really? [ he laughs ] So you’re having a baby shower?
Thomas Beatie: Yeah… and you two HAVE to come. It’s going to be like any other dude’s baby shower —
Amy Poehler: Okay…
Thomas Beatie: The game will be on, we’ll open presents, and there’ll be beers in the icebox for all the bros not carrying little hos!
Amy Poehler: Well, that can be fun.
Thomas Beatie: Seth?
Seth Meyers: Yeah, I don’t know.
Thomas Beatie: Come on, dude. Did I mention the stripper?
Seth Meyers: Nnnnno.
Thomas Beatie: Did I mention she’s also pregnant?
[ Seth is disgusted ]
Thomas Beatie: It’s a celebration of life!
Seth Meyers: Uh — [ turns to look at Thomas ] Stop turning back and forth, you’re creeping me out! [ Thomas continues to do so anyway ] It’s just that, um — [ turns again ] We get it, you’re pregnant! You don’t have to constantly be in profile, you’re pregnant! It’s just, um — and I don’t mean any offense here, Pregnant Guy — [ he laughs ] I find this whole thing a little weird!
Thomas Beatie: Look, Seth — I understand my situation’s unconventional. But, in the end, all I’m doing is making a baby. Hey — you want to feel my stomach?
Seth Meyers: [ relunctantly ] Yeah, alright… okay… [ he touches Thomas’ stomach ] Oh, my God! I just felt a kick!
Thomas Beatie: No, that’s my dong.
Seth Meyers: [ removes his hand ] Awwwww…
Thomas Beatie: See you at the shower!
[ Thomas exits the set ]
Amy Poehler: The pregnant man — Thomas Beatie, everyone. THank you, Pregnant Man.
In an interview in Vanity Fair magazine, Madonna criticizes New York City, saying that it “doesn’t feel alive, crackling with that synergy” in had in the 1980s. Said New York City: “Right back atcha!”
According to a new study, the number of female hunters between the ages of 6 and 15 has increased 50 percent in recent years. Thanks, in large part, to the magazine “Guns & Ammo & Gossip & Shoes & Boys.”
Seth Meyers: Scientists have discovered a fish that crawls instead of swims and has forward-looking eyes, which they believe is an entirely unknown family of fish. But, then, after taking a second look — yeah, that’s a squirrel.
A German priest has developed a plan to help his parishioners relax from the stress of everyday life, by having them lie in an open grave. And, once again, Germany has managed to out-German itself.
Amy Poehler: Larry King, this week, was asked by the umpire to leave his son’s Little League baseball game. Partly because of his behavior, and partly because his son is 81 years old.”
A 43-year-old sand tiger shark died this week at the New York Aquarium in Coney Island, where it has spent the last forty years in captivity — tragically, for a rape it never committed.
Seth Meyers: A new study shows that people with a large potbelly are at an increasedrisk for dementia in their later years. So don’t be shocked if Santa brings you a carrot on Flag Day.
According to a recent survey, the most popular name for a dog is “Max”, while the least popular is “Osama bin Sniffen.”
Amy Poehler: New York State is considering doubling its cigarette tax to $3, which would make the cost of a pack of cigarettes in New York City almost $9. Said smokers, “Oh-my-god-that’s-outrageous-okay-we’ll-pay-it!”
Researchers say they have found the earliest known gold jewelry made in the Americas, in a burial site in southern Peru. The researchers say this is the strongest evidence yet for the existence of “Cave Guidos.”
Seth Meyers: The Chinese Olympic Committee has published a new list of banned drugs, which include turtle blood, root potions, and deer penis. Wait! So I did see Roger Clemens going down on a deer!
[ Seth holds his hand to his chin and ponders the thought for an extended moment ]
Amy Poehler: [ pointing at the camera on the two-shot ] Would you like to?
Seth Meyers: Give me one second… [ he finally breaks his pose ] For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!
Grandpa….Christopher Walken Sue….Kristen Wiig Guest 1….Amy Poehler Guest 2….Bill Hader Guest 3….Will Forte Annie….Casey Wilson
[Opens with a nice house, cut to the living room. Aman talks to his friends, who sit on sofa. One of them is Sue.She is dressed with a large multicolor sweater.]
Grandpa: Thank you for coming on short notice. As youknow, my granddaughter is staying with us over thespring break and tomorrow is her birthday. So, I’mgoing to throw her a surprise party.
Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-od!
Guest 1: What a great idea.
Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-od!
Guest 2: She’ll be surprised.
Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-o-d!
Guest 1: Sue, what’s wrong?
Grandpa: Sue likes surprise parties.
Sue: I really love surprise parties, I’m freakin’ excited!
Grandpa: I want to ask. Does anyone want to help?
Sue: Oh, yes![Raises her hand high]
Grandpa: Thank you. She’s going to be so happy.
[Sue clenches her fists. Excited as hell]
Guest 1: Sue?
Sue: Yes, I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was gonna behappening today! I’m ecstatic to be a part of this!
Guest 2: It’s truly nice that you’re doing this for her.
Grandpa: I’d do anything for her. She’s my peach. Whatdo you think? Should I get balloons?
Sue: YES!!!
Guest 3: You know, I know of a party store I could picksome up on the way over tomorrow–
Sue:[overexcited] She’s gonna walk in here and thinkthat nobody’s here! I don’t know what’s she gonna dowhen she sees the balloons! And we’re hidden! And she’s surprised!
Guest 1: That’s how a surprise party works.
Sue: Oh, I know how they work!
Grandpa: That’s the idea. I thought I’d take her tothe park. Tell her we’re coming here for pizza. Now,you should all park far away so she doesn’t see thecars and get suspicious. Sue, what are writing?
[Sue writes furiously on a notepad]
Sue: All of it! Everything that you’re saying!Everything that’s happening!
[Guest 2 takes the notepad from Sue and shows it.]
Guest 2: It’s scribbles. It’s nothing. You act like itsthe first time you’ve ever thrown a surprise party.
Grandpa: Leave her alone. Sue, I love that you’reexcited about this. I am too. I just show it differently.
Guest 1: Oh, my friend owns a bakery. I can swing bytonight and pick up a cake.
[Sue rocks back and forth, out of breath]
Sue: I’m sorry. I feel like I’m gonna pass out. Couldsomeone get me something to eat? Some solid food. I’m so freakin’–
[Guest 2 gives her a bag of Ruffles chips]
Guest 2: Excited, excited…yes, we know.
Guest 3: I can’t wait to see her face tomorrow.
Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-o-o-od! I forgot about her face!! That’s the best part!!
Grandpa: We still have a lot to cover. So let’s talk about–
Sue: Oh, boy. My hands are paralyzed![Can’t open thebag of chips, Guest 2 opens the bag for her]
Grandpa: I thought we could do—I can do somejuggling from back when I was an army clown. I stillhave the nose someplace.
Sue: CLOWN![crams chips in her mouth]
Guest 1: Sue, get a hold of yourself!
Sue: I’m sorry, but I didn’t know this was happening!
Guest 2: Why don’t you go outside and get some air?
Sue: I’m sorry, you know what would make me calm down?A practice surprise. We can all figure out where we’re gonna hide.
Grandpa: Good idea. I don’t want to screw this up. So,everybody hide somewhere.
[The guests get up and hide behind the couch]
Grandpa: Ok, I bring her in. I say “Ok, Annie. We’re home.” And then you say—
All except Sue: Surprise!
Sue: SURPRIIIIIISE!!!!!!![Hands up high] gr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!!!![whisper growl] happybirthday![covers her face, uncovers, unable to contain the excitement]
Guest 3: What is wrong with you?
[Annie walks in]
Annie: Hey, grandpa. What’s going on?
Grandpa: Everything’s fine, darling.
Guest 1: Yeah, we’re just hanging out.
Guest 2: Uh-huh.
Guest 3: Just talking.
[Sue has her collar over her mouth, bites it. Eyes open wide, ready to explode]
Annie: Hi, Sue.
Sue: I can’t tell you about something!
Guest 1: Oh, shut it, Sue!
Sue: There’s nothing. There’s something that I’m veryexcited that I can’t —is there a party?!, WHAT?! NO!Whose birthday?! What?! Tomorrow?! Nothing! What’shappening?! What time is it?! Park?! Pizza?! Hey, I’mgoing to a party tomorrow! Oh, God! Oh, God! Here itcomes, here it comes! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Grandpa: Sue, don’t! Please!
[Sue knocks herself out by smashing a light bulb on her head, she falls down.]
Annie: Grandpa, grandpa. What’s going on?
Grandpa: Well, to be honest, we’re talking abouthaving a party for you on your birthday.
Annie: Awww, grandpa. That’s really sweet but I don’tneed a party. But what I would like is for you to getme a Coach bag at the mall.
Guest 3: We could all pitch in on that.
[Sue sprints up on her feet]
Sue: OH, THE MALL!!
[Sue jumps out of a glass window]
Grandpa: Anything. Anything for you, cupcake. We’ll get ice cream—
[Sue jumps back in the living room through the busted window]
Nathan…..Jason Sudeikis Kathy…..Kristen Wiig Eric…..Christopher Walken Mark…..Bill Hader Maggie…..Casey Wilson
[ open on exterior, office building, as office staffers can be heard singing “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow” ]
[ dissolve to interior, office going-away party, Nathan at the center of the room ]
Nathan: Thanks! Thank you, everybody, that’s really nice of you! I’m — I-I-I don’t know what to say, really, I mean — I’ve enjoyed working here, and I’m gonna miss all of you.
[ the crowd “Awwww”s ]
Nathan: Now, please — have some cake! Dig in!
[ Nathan starts to make his way through the room, as Kathy steps closer to him. Eric can be seen lingering off to the side, waiting for a private moment with Nathan. ]
Kathy: Oh. Hey, Nathan, um —
Nathan: Yeah?
Kathy: Uh — a few of us chipped in and got you a gift certificate to Starbucks. [ she hands him the card ]
Kathy: Well, we all know how much you love your Ethos Water!
Nathan: Yeah, well — [ he chuckles ]
Kathy: Best of luck!
Nathan: Thank you. Thank you.
[ Kathy steps away, as Eric finally sidles forward ]
Eric: Hey, Nathan…
Nathan: [ not recognizing Eric ] Hey… man?
Eric: Eric.
Nathan: Eric! Right, right! Yeah, I’m — I’m sorry. How — how you doin’?
Eric: [ with great sorrow ] Alright.
Nathan: Yeah.
Eric: I’m down in the dumps, I can’t believe you’re leaving…
Nathan: Yeah, yeah —
Eric: It SUCKS!
Nathan: [ smiling politely ] Yeah, I know, I’m — I’m really gonna miss it here.
Eric: I feel like… we never got… to hang out.
Nathan: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, that — that stinks.
Eric: Yeah. We… bump into each other, in the bathroom and stuff… like, when you… you’d be washing your hands and I’d be… going Number One, and… when you’d… you’d be going Number One, and I’d be washing my hands, and… like, that one time when… Ron was going Number One, and… we were both washing our hands then. We were… out of towels, and you were like… “Geez! With… with as little as they pay us here, you’d think they’d be able to afford TOWELS!” [ he laughs maniacally ] Remember that?
Nathan: Uh, I — no, actually. No, I don’t.
Eric: It was hilarious! The point is… I’ll miss our talks.
Nathan: [ he really doesn’t know who this guy is ] Yeah. Yeah, me, too. uhhh — well, luckily, they’ve got those blowers in the bathroom, now —
Eric: Yeah!
Nathan: Yeah, so —
Eric: [ he laughs ] You are SO positive. You’re like a breath… of fresh air… or… a moist… towelette… at the end of a large… delicious plate of ribs.
Nathan: [ not sure how to respond ] Uhhh — thank you. Thank you.
Mark: Hey, Nathan, sorry to interrupt you two — [ shakes Nathan’s hand ]
Nathan: No, no, no, no — it’s alright.
Mark: I just wanted to say good luck.
Nathan: Yeah! Thank you, Mark, I appreciate it. Thank you.
Mark: I’ll let you guys get back to your little heart-to-heart, okay?
Nathan: [ shaking his head ] Oh, no! No, it’s not really like that, uh —
[ as Mark walks away, Eric moves closer and thrusts a CD toward Nathan’s face ]
Eric: I made you a mix CD… It’s a compilation of all the different songs I’ve heard you… playing in your car when you… arrive at work.
Nathan: [ stunned ] Oh! Wow, Eric, that’s — that’s really nice of you. [ takes the CD ] You know, I — you know, I really just listen to the radio!
Eric: Me, too. I love the radio, it’s… so random! Gosh, dammit… we’re like the same guy, you and me.
Nathan: Yeah, well, uh — [ itching to get as far away as he can ] Thanks for the CD! [ starts to turn away ]
Eric: Yeah… I also made a portrait of you.
Nathan: [ more stunned ] Great…
Eric: [ he shrugs ] It’s just a doodle. I did it from memory, so… I don’t know… how accurate it is.
[ Eric turns around and pulls out an oil portrait of Nathan’s exact lifeness ]
[ Maggie approaches from behind and places her hand on Nathan’s shoulder ]
Maggie: Hey, Nathan…
Nathan: [ eagerly ] Hi! Hi!
Maggie: Real quick.
Nathan: No, no!
Maggie: I don’t want to bother you two in the middle of your goodbyes.
Nathan: [ whispering ] I don’t know this guy, I —
Maggie: Awww! I just wanted to thank you for all the advice.
Nathan: Thank you.
Eric: [ peeking in ] Maggie… look at — look at what I made for Nathan. [ he holds up the oil portrait ]
Maggie: [ impressed ] Wow! That’s… that’s amazing! You two are so lucky! You know what? I don’t even want to interrupt.
[ Maggie steps away ]
Nathan: [ desperately ] No! You’re not interrupting at all!
Eric: [ shoves the oil portrait into Nathan’s hands ] I hate this… I hate this. I have better… drawings of you, but I… figure the nude… would be tacky… for a going-away gift. Not to mention, sexual harrassment charges, like… pssh! The last thing I need, considering my… recent… sexual harrassment charge.
Nathan: No, that’s, uh — that’s a good instinct. I — I — well, I appreciate it, Eric. That’s very nice of you.
Eric: I’d give you a BIG hug —
Nathan: Well, no, I —
[ Eric gives Nathan a big hug ]
Nathan: There you go! Quick one! There you go!
Eric: Dammit! These suits really hide your… firm… athletic… body. I mean… I knew it was in there… because of all the… working out you do, and all… the softball you play. [ sniffling ] Oh, boy! Here come the water works! [ he whips out a handkerchief ] A lot of stuff goin’ on in this big ol’ goofy heart of mine… [ he blows his nose ]
Nathan: Alright…
Eric: [ starts to sing: ] “I’ll be seeing you… in al the old, familiar places… that this heart of mine embraces all day through…
[ Nathan chuckles nervously, as Eric suddenly leans toward him with his mouth open and tongue extended ]
Nathan: What are you doing..?!
[ Eric jabs his tongue into Nathan’s ear and frenches his lobes ]
Nathan: [ jumping ] HEY!! GET YOUR TONGUE OUT OF MY EAR!! [ he takes a giant step away from Eric ] THANK YOU, EVERYONE, FOR THEm UH — UH — THE NICE PARTY!! AH — I’M GONNA GO!! THANK YOU! I’M GONNA MISS YOU GUYS!
[ Eric waves goodbye as Nathan tosses the oil portrait into the trash can and exits the room ]
[ Mark, Maggie, and Kathy step toward Eric ]
Kathy: You gonna be okay, Eric?
Eric: [ with a low moan ] I don’t know…
[ “Make Someone Happy” pots up in the background ]
Eric: Part of me wants to let him go — yet… another part of me wants to chase him in the parking lot… run up behind him… and choke him to death. Then… make love to his corpse… for the rest of my life. Oh, Kathy… what’s wrong with me?
Kathy: I’ll tell you what’s wrong: you’re in love, Eric. [ Eric nods ] Go! Go to him! If you don’t, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.
Eric: You’re right. [ he nods ] Yeah. [ he gives it some thought ] I’m gonna go choke him!
[ Mark, Maggie, and Kathy watch with tears in their eyes as Eric exits the room to chase after his beloved ]
…..Christopher Walken Audience Member 1…..Jim Downey Audience Member 2…..Paula Pell Audience Member 3…..Bryan Tucker Audience Member 4…..John Lutz
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Christopher Walken!
Christopher Walken: Thank you very much. Thank you. It’s good to be back on “Saturday Night Live”. Tonight… is my one-hundredth time hosting. [ the audience laughs ] Yes… my centennial. People… tell me it’s less than that, but I count reruns.
This time, I want to do something different. I’ve never taken questions from the audience… and I’ve always wanted to… and to make sure they’re good questions, I wrote them myself… and acted them out before the show, so… without… more ado… fist question. [ points ] You, sir.
Audience Member 1: So, just… read, read it off the card?
Christopher Walken: Yes. But… but read it… as if… you thought of it.
Audience Member 1: Okay. [ reading his card ] “Which do you prefer more: acting in film, or live performances?”
Christopher Walken: That’s a good one! Excellent question. I love movies, but, for me, nothing beats the flamboyance… the… the fulfullment of showing off in front of a living audience. [ looks around ] Next?
Audience Member 2: Hi!
Christopher Walken: Hi. Shoot.
Audience Member 2: [ reading her card ] What is your favorite color?
Christopher Walken: I have to be honest: that’s not a good question. I’m sayin’: Here we are… you have a chance to ask me something germaine, and… all you… come up with… is my favorite color? It’s not good.
[ Audience Member 2 is flabbergasted at this reaction ]
Christopher Walken: In any case… to answer your stinky question… my favorite color… is burnt… umber. I hope the next question is better. [ looks around ] Yes? [ points ] You?
Audience Member 3: Hi. [ reading his card ] “What do you like to do when you’re not on camera?”
Christopher Walken: [ shaking his head ] I’m not gonna answer that. Please… don’t come at me… with questions… about my intimate behavior. You know… I have a question for you: You should be ashamed of yourself! [ looks around ] You.
Audience Member 4: [ reading his card ] “Would you rather have the power of invisibility, or the power of flight?”
Christopher Walken: [ stone-faced for a moment ] This is a GOOD one! And it so happens I have the answer: I… would go with both. I’d be a GIGANTIC… invisible bird/ I’d spend all day flying at top speed… into sliding glass doors. People would hear a big THUMP… and they’d say: “Ohh!! A BIRD… must have hit the sliding… glass door!” Then, they would… run off and look, and… what?! No bird! [ he smiles, as the audience cheers ] Can you imagine their confused face!
[ Audience Member 4 stands in stoned silence ]
Christopher Walken: I’d be a ton of laughs… if I was a… GIGANTIC, invisible bird! And, uh… you were saying?
Christopher Walken: Flip the corner — flip the corner.
Audience Member 4: [ he flips the card over and reads: ] “Great answer, Mr. Walken.”
Christopher Walken: Thank you! [ he smiles ] You wouldn’t think they’d read off a card so tricky! You look at the words, you read them — that’s how it’s done. At the end of the day… I think the questions went… wonderfully well. I — I think the evening… is gonna go… just as good… if not, worse!
We have a terrific show. Panic at the Disco is here. Stick around… we’ll be right back.
Drama Teacher…..Christopher Walken Miss Hash…..Amy Poehler Lucas…..Andy Samberg Evan…..Bill Hader Tommy…..Jason Sudeikis Keith…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on exterior, high school auditorium ]
[ dissolve to interior, high school auditorium, four high school boys huddled in one corner, laughing, as the Drama Teacher steps forward ]
Drama Teacher: Guys, come on… the Norh Side High Senior Musical is in three weeks — yes? — and we need to rehearse. I am a Drama teacher… I am not David Blaine. Right, Miss Hash?
[ Miss Hash stares stone-faced from behind her piano ]
Drama Teacher: Look — Principal Henderson… watched… rehearsal yesterday, and… he said that he was unaware that we were doing the original Broadway version of “Grease”, and he’s worried that… some of the lyrics might be… inappropriate. News to me, but… let’s sing through it and see what he’s talking about. Miss Hash, you ready?
[ Miss Hash stares stone-faced from behind her piano ]
Drama Teacher: Five! Six, seven, eight.
Boys: [ singing ] “Go, Greased Lightin’, you’re burnin’ up the quarter-mile!Greased Lightnin’! Go, Greased Lightnin’!You are supreme!The chicks will cream!Go, Greased Lightnin’!”
Drama Teacher: Whoa!! Who, whoa, whoa!! Wait a minute! The chicks will, what?! That is dirty! Do you — do you know what that means? [ incredulous ] “Chicks will cream…”
[ the four boys discuss it amongst themselves ]
Drama Teacher: Lucas! Do you know what that means?
Lucas: [ nervously ] I-I-I think I do, yeah…
Drama Teacher: Yeah? [ he nods ] Come here! Yell me what you think it is! [ Lucas is reluctant ] Come here! Whisper… in my ear.
[ Lucas steps forward and whispers into the Drama Teacher’s ear ]
Drama Teacher: Yes. You got it. Good for you. Tell your friends, they want to know… what it means.
[ Lucas returns to his friends and whispers into their huddle. The other three react with stunned surprise. ]
Drama Teacher: That’s right… boys… it’s dirty! So… we have to replace that lyric with something else. Let’s see… “Chicks will… teem“… “Chicks will… seem“…
Evan: “Scream”?
Drama Teacher: No, shut up! “Chicks… chicks will fleem!” We’ll do “fleem”. So, it’s… “You are supreme… chicks will fleem… for Greased Lightnin’.”
Tommy: Wait… fleem?
Drama Teacher: It works! It fits! It rhymes! Next verse! Ready… Miss Hash?
[ Miss Hash stares stone-faced from behind her piano ]
Drama Teacher: Five, six, seven, eight!
Boys: [ singing ] “Pistons, plugs, and shocks I can get off my rocks! You know that I’m not lyin’…!”
Drama Teacher: Whoa!! Wait a minute!! “Get off my rocks”? We can’t sing that! That is dirty! You know what that means? “Get off my rocks.” Keith… you know what that means?
Keith: Yeah?
Drama Teacher: You do? Come over here. [ Keith steps forward ] Tell me what you think that means. Whisper it.
[ Keith whispers into the Drama Teacher’s ear ]
Drama Teacher: It does. But, how?
[ Keith continues to whisper into the Drama Teacher’s ear ]
Drama Teacher: [ he nods ] That’s it. That’s how you do it. [ points to the other boys ] Tell them.
[ Keith returns to his friends and whispers into their huddle. The other three react with mild surprise. ]
Drama Teacher: So… we need to change it. “Pistons, plugs, and shocks…”
Tommy: Uh — “This car really rocks!”
Drama Teacher: No, shut up! “Pistons, plugs, and shocks… [ thinking ] Flocks, flocks, flocks!” It oughtta do. It works. It fits. Next verse. Miss Hash, ready?
[ Miss Hash stares stone-faced from behind her piano ]
Drama Teacher: Five, six, seven, eight!
Boys: [ singing ] “You know that I’m not braggin’ She’s a real pussy wagon…!”
Drama Teacher: Whoa!! Wait a minute!! That’s dirty! Do you know what that means? [ pointing ] You in the back — Evan. You know?
Evan: [ rubbing his chin ] Yeah.
Drama Teacher: Come here. Tell me. Tell me. [ Evan steps forward ] What is it? Whisper.
[ Evan whispers into the Drama Teacher’s ear ]
Drama Teacher: No… that’s not it.
[ Evan continues to whisper into the Drama Teacher’s ear ]
Drama Teacher: No, they — they — it’s too little…
[ Evan continues to whisper into the Drama Teacher’s ear ]
Drama Teacher: Come on! Even Miss Hash knows what it means!
[ Evan returns to his friends ]
Drama Teacher: Yes! Finally. It’s like pulling teeth. So… instead of singing “It’s a real…” — you know what — “wagon”… we’ll do… hmm… [ thinking ] “Have you ever seen a dragon? …Greased Lightnin’.”
Tommy: A dragon? Isn’t this supposed to be a song about a car?
Drama Teacher: Tommy… when you’re on Broadway… and you will be, all of you… but, when you’re on Broadway… you’re performing in front of an adult audience. Then, you can talk about your rocks, whatever kind of wagon you want… but, this is… high school… and, if I let you sing that, the School Board… will put me in a box and push me down a hill, okay? So… what’re we gonna sing?
Boys: “Have you ever seen a dragon?”
Drama Teacher: Right. And, now… I-I’m worried about “Greased Lightnin’.” In certain circles, it’s filthy. You know what that means? Come here!
[ the boys step closer and huddle around the Drama Teacher as he explains the meaning with gyrating gestures and a punch-motion to the groin ]
All: Ohhhh!!!!
[ the boys return to their first position ]
Drama Teacher: Yeah… it’s bad. So… let’s just… avoid the… controvisty… and, instead of singing “Greased Lightnin'”, we’ll say… [ thinking ] “Gene Rayburn.” He was the host of the “Match Game”, and if… if anything else looks dubious, just fill in… with… “Hubba-hubba!” Okay. Questions? [ no response ] No? Let — let — let’s put it all together and.. SELL IT!! Five!! Six, seven, eight.
All: [ singing ] “Go, Gene Rayburn, you’re runnin’ up the quarter mile! Gene Rayburn! Go, Gene Rayburn! Hubba-hubba-hubba, Hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba! Flee-ee-ee-eemmm! Pistons, plugs, and shocks! Flocks, flocks, flocks! You know that I’m not braggin’ Have you ever seen a dragon? Gene Rayburrrrrrrrrnnn! Go!!”
Air Date:
