Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco

Goodnights

…..Christopher Walken

Christopher Walken: Thanks… to Panic at the Disco, and Lorne, and… thank you very much.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco

Indoor Gardening Tips From A Man Who’s Very Scared Of Plants

Gardener…..Christopher Walken

Announcer: And now, Indoor gardening tips from a man who’s very scared of plants.

Caption: Indoor Gardening Tips from a man who’s very scared of plants.

[Opens with a gardener in his indoor garden surrounded by various plants. He has curly blond hair, a gardening apron and he’s spraying water on the plants]

Gardener: Hi. These are my cactuses. I put googly eyes on them. [Cactuses have googly eyes on them] A lot of people are putting googly eyes on their cactuses nowadays. I think it’s because cactuses are dangerous. Cactuses have pricklers that can stab you in your hands, your throat, your face. So you need to know where you stand with them all the time. The only way to know where to stand with someone is to look into their eyes, right? Normally plants don’t have eyes, so it’s hard for me to trust them. Hence. The googly eyes. Still, it’s a good rule of thumb. Don’t turn your back on a cactus.

[Moves over to other plants]

Now, these are my ferns. [sprays water on them] I put googly eyes on them, also. [googly eyes on the ferns] Most people don’t put googly eyes on their ferns. I do. I got the idea off my cactuses because I like to feel comfortable with my plants. Now, ferns don’t have pricklers like cactuses, but what if they all ganged up and tried to choke you in your sleep? If enough ferns lodged themselves down your throat…pshh!, you’d choke for sure. [puts water bottle down] It’s probably not gonna happen, but what if it did? What do you think your last thought would be? Mine would be: “I always knew it was gonna be the ferns.” No worries. Me and these ferns are good. I can tell. [points to his eyes with two fingers] By looking into their eyes, I know. They’re like real eyes. They just make me feel comfortable.

[moves to other plants]

Ooh! [jumps back a little] But I don’t feel comfortable around this plant whatsoever. [some kind of potted wildflower with googly eyes on it] Whoa, what a relief! You see. I made eye contact. [signals to his eyes with two fingers] I feel like I know where I stand with this plant. What a load off. I don’t know if I’ve been clear about this, but the whole concept of eye contact — hugely important to me.

[moves towards other plants]

Some plants [sighs] you can’t never feel comfortable with. I made an effort on this one. [he whines in front of a huge plant, almost a tree, with big, giant googly eyes] How are you supposed to feel comfortable with something that’s twice your size?

[Moves towards other plants]

Eeep! [holds back a little] I got to get away from this plant right here. This one has got to go. Come here, here’s some grass I made. [three rectangles of green grass] I don’t go near it. I can’t figure out how to get any googly eyes stuck on it. You see, you put — [he throws a bunch of googly eyes on the grass] you put them on and they fall right down. They become dirt eyes. So I don’t feel like I know where I stand with any of them. Plus, they’re so quiet. Winston Churchill once said: “The eyes are the windows of your face.” See you next time.

Announcer: This has been Indoor gardening with a man who’s scared very scared of plants.

Caption: Indoor Gardening With A Man Who’s Very Scared Of Plants.

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco

Top Chef

Padma….Kristen Wiig
Wylie Delmario….Fred Armisen
Dave….Christopher Walken
Rafael….Kenan Thompson
Andy….Andy Samberg
Cindy….Amy Poehler

Caption: TOP CHEF logo. BRAVO logo at the bottom right of the screen.

[Opens with Padma walking towards 4 chefs dressed in white in a kitchen. 3 guys, one girl. They all have faux-hawk haircuts]

Padma: Welcome chefs. As you all know, Top Chef is in Chicago this season. So for tonight’s quick-fire challenge, you will all be required to take one of the most well-known Chicago staples, the Deep Dish Pizza and reinvent it as fine dining cuisine. However there is a catch. You may only use the following ingredients. Beets[image of beets], couscous[image of couscous], frozen yogurt[image of frozen yogurt], medicine[image of pill bottles],a paper bag[image of a wrinkled paper bag], stale Peeps[image of yellow marshmallow Peeps] and [takes gum out of her mouth] this gum. You will have 30 minutes to complete this challenge. But there’s one more catch, anyone with a faux-hawk is disqualified.[The chefs are disappointed] I’m joking. It wouldn’t be Top Chef without faux-hawks or a weird judge-guy who we tell you owns a restaurant somewhere.

[A hippie looking guy with glasses and long hair stands next to Padma.]

Caption: Wylie Delmario. Owner Persimmon Grill.

Wylie Delmario: Impress me.

Padma: Your time starts now. Go!

[The chefs desperately run around the kitchen. Two of the contestants grab the same pot. They have a little tug of war]

Rafael: Hey, I need that pot!

Andy: I need it too!

Cindy: Where is the olive oil?!

Andy: I need olive oil too!

[Andy lets go of the pot, runs to other side of the kitchen]

[Dave is older than the other contestants and is completely lost. He holds up a beet]

Dave: I thought we were making a pizza. This is a beet.

[Cindy carries a boiling hot pot]

Cindy: Hot pot! Hot pot! Coming right behind you!

[Andy is stirring something in a pan]

Andy: My emulsion is separating!

[Dave looks over Rafael’s shoulder]

Rafael: Can I help you?!

Dave: What are you doing?

Rafael: What do you mean what am I doing? I’m doing a salad! Hey Cindy, I need that balsamic!

Cindy: You got it!

[Cindy throws the balsamic to Rafael, he catches it]

Dave: When I cook at home I use whatever stuff I want.

Rafael: Will you get away from me please?!

Dave: Did she say cook a pizza or cook beets and couscous? Because that would make more sense with the ingredients we have. And they sound alike—pizza, beetsa, you know…

[Andy is in front of the oven and burners]

Andy: The burners aren’t working! I need to make a roux!

[Dave comes over to Andy]

Dave: I have no idea what to do. What are you making?

Andy:[snippy] Its a Sicilian empanada with marshmallow peep foam!

Dave: That sounds great. You know what I like about pizza? I like it when the cheese get melty. But we’re not allowed to use cheese.

Andy: Great. Can you hand me that strainer?

Dave: This is the problem I’m having today.[gives Andy the strainer] I can’t use the stuff I want to use.

Andy: Dude, that’s the whole point. How did you ever get on this show?

Dave: I like to cook.

Cindy: Hey, could somebody help me over here?!

[Dave comes over to Cindy at a counter]

Dave: I got free hands. I can’t make head or tails of this challenge. They won’t let us use certain things.

Cindy: Yeah, ok. I need to drizzle this reduction over the other reduction.

Dave: Good idea.

[They drizzle over the plates]

Cindy: You’re kind of missing the plate there.

Dave: You know what else is hard about this contest? Is the time limit. It makes it hard to think of ideas. Especially when you can’t use the ingredients you want to use. Everybody is running around and yelling.

Padma: Chefs, there’s one minute remaining.

Wylie Delmario: I hope you’re impressing me.

[Dave comes over Padma and Wylie]

Dave: Lady, I have to be honest. I haven’t started cooking yet.

Padma: 30 seconds.

Dave: And that’s another thing, if I was gonna make a pizza I would need an hour. Maybe more, ideally there would be no time limit.

Padma: 10 seconds.

Dave: Maybe I’ll try to whip something up.[goes back to the kitchen]

Padma: That’s time. Utensils down, hands up.

[The chefs put the utensils down, hands up]

Dave: I TRIED! I COULDN’T DO IT! ITS TOO HARD!

Caption: Coming up on Top Chef.

Padma: Rafael, what is your dish?

[Rafael holds up a plate with his monstrosity]

Rafael: This is a Mediterranean Pizza with shaved beet pepperoni.

Padma: And you Dave, what did you make?

Dave: Nothing. But it looks like Rafael has plenty to go around. You can eat that.

Padma: Dave, you’re eliminated. Please, pack your knives and go.

Dave: KNIVES! What?! Who knew from knives?!!

Caption: TOP CHEF.

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 9


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

April 5th, 2008

Christopher Walken

Panic at the Disco

None

Christopher Dodd

Jim Downey

Paula Pell

Bryan Tucker

John Lutz

Hillary for PresidentSummary: Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) outlines her and Bill’s (Darrell Hammond) income tax returns.

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

Montage

Christopher Walken’s MonologueSummary: Christopher Walken supplies audience members (Jim Downey, Paula Pell, Bryan Tucker, John Lutz) with index cards, then “spontaneously” asks if they have any questions they’d like him to answer.

First Hosted: 89k.

Transcript

annualeSummary: New women’s hygeine product makes it possible for women to endure their period just once a year, albeit with dangerous side effects the remainder of the year.

Note: Repeat from 07e.

Grease RehearsalsSummary: When the high school drama club makes plans to perform “Grease”, it’s up to the musical theater director (Christopher Walken) to clean up the raunchy lyrics in “Greased Lightnin'” by creating a series of nonsensical teen-friendly rhymes that shift the focus of the song from a souped-up race car to seeing dragons with “Match Game” emcee Gene Rayburn.

Transcript

Eric’s FarewellSummary: Nathan (Jason Sudeikis) is delighted by the going-away party the office staff has thrown for him, until it comes time for stalkish co-worker Eric (Christopher Walken) to say his heartfelt goodbyes.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and Bill Hader interrupt Lorne Michael’s dinner with Christopher Dodd to present the debut of “Laser Cats 3-D.”

Surprise PartySummary: A man (Christopher Walken) enlists his friends to help him throw a surprise party for his granddaughter (Casey Wilson), but the excitement is much more than Sue (Kristen Wiig) can handle.

Transcript

Panic at the Disco performs “Nine in the Afternoon”Bio: Alternative rock group; name taken from lyrics in the Name Taken song “Panic”; members: Brendon Urie, Ryan Ross, Jon Walker, Spencer Smith.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Pregnant man Thomas Beatie (Andy Samberg) drops by the news desk to invite Seth and Amy to his baby shower.

Transcript

Walken Family ReunionSummary: There’s lots of monosyllabic conversation to go around when Christopher Walken mingles with his relatives at a bizarre family reunion.

Indoor Gardening Tips from a Man Who’s Very Scared of PlantsSummary: A gardening expert (Christopher Walken) can only be at ease around his plants if he can attach googly eyes to them.

Transcript

Top ChefSummary: An inexperienced chef (Christopher Walken) comes up empty-handed in a cooking challenge that involves couscous, stale Peeps, and other odd ingredients.

Transcript

Panic at the Disco performs “I Write Sins, Not Tragedies”

Larry King LiveRecurring Characters: Larry King, Jimmy Carter.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Man-MonkeySummary: A man (Christopher Walken) must hide his man-monkey when unexpected vistors arrive.

Bosnia ’96Summary: In 1996, First Lady Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler), Chelsea Clinton (Casey Wilson), Sheryl Crow (Kristen Wiig), and Sinbad (Kenan Thompson) make a terrorizing trip to Bosnia, where they make their landing amidst a hail of gunfire.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton.

John McCainSummary: John McCain (Darrell Hammond) rants about the price of things these days.

Recurring Characters: John McCain.

Big OilSummary: A reporter (Fred Armisen) is reduced to tears when his interview with an oil magnate (Jason Sudeikis) doesn’t go as planned.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8


]]>

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! And here are tonight’s top stories.

Shocking news out of New York this week. Turns out the whistleblower was having his whistle blown.

During a short press conference, Monday, in which New York Governor Eliot Spitzer apologized for his involvement in a prostitution ring, his wife, Silda, stood by his side — apparently, to make sure there are no prostitutes under the podium.

Seth Meyers: On Tuesday, Barack Obama won the Mississippi primary with nearly 90% of the black vote in the state, but only one-quarter of the white vote. While Mississippi’s Asian guy is still too scared to leave the house.

Many California parents who home-school their children are upset by a California court ruling that may force their children to be taught by a credentialed teacher. Said one angry parent, “This is just like what the Nazis did to the Eskimos in the 1850’s.”

Amy Poehler: According to a new report, a cocktail of more than fifteen drugs ranging from pain relievers to veterinary medicines, have been found in New York City’s drinking water. The good news? You can now freebase your Fabrilta… Brita Filter!

Seth Meyers: [ chuckling ] Fabrilta, not as good!

The revelation of Eliot Spitzer’s involvement with a high-end prostitution ring is one of the most shocking and abrupt political scandals in recent history. And it brings us to a segment we like to call: “Really!?! with Seth and Amy.”

Really, Eliot Spitzer? Really? Did you not think prostitution rings get busted? Your job used to be busting prostitution rings! Really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: And the service you used was called Emperor’s Club V.I.P. Really? You know, as a rule, if something has V.I.P. in the title it’s not for V.I.P.’s. If you see a place called the VIP Nail Salon in Midtown, you will not find Keira Knightly there.”

Amy Poehler: And you used a fake name, but your real home address? Really? That’s like wearing a fake moustache and a t-shirt that says “I’m wearing a fake moustache!” And your fake name was your buddy’s name! And, not only that, you picked a buddy whose name sounds made-up! “George Fox.” Really? Why not just go with “Captain Superdong”? Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: And you wanted to have sex with a hooker, but you didn’t want to wear a condom? Really?

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: That might not be scary if you were Client #1, but you were Client #9. I wear a condom if I’m ninth in line at the deli!

Amy Poehler: Really?

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: I really do!

Amy Poehler: He really does! And, Silda — Silda, God bless your strength and your fortitude, but you didn’t have to stand there. Really! Tammy Wynette would not have stood there. And if you do stand up there, you have permission to make goofy faces. You can go like this: [ makes an exaggerated motion ] You can make rabbit ears. You can do one of these: [ makes a thumbs-up ] then go like this: [ stretches finger apart to represent a small penis ] It’s your time to shine! Really.

Seth Meyers: Really. Also, liberals: quit complaining that Larry Craig didn’t resign after his sex scandal. Larry Craig tapped his foot in a bathroom; Eliot Spitzer spent eighty thousand dollars on prostitutes. You can’t compare. It’s not apples and oranges; that’s apples and prostitutes. And, side note: Larry Craig you have to resign too, I mean, really.”

Amy Poehler: Yeah, you have to resign too. Really!

Seth Meyers: Really! Spitzer’s worse, but you really have to go. Really!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, you have to go, too! Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Huh!

Announcer: This has been “Really!?! with Seth and Amy.”

Amy Poehler: In his first televised interview since suspending his presidential campaign, Mitt Romney, on Tuesday, said he would be “honored” to serve as John McCain’s vice-presidential nominee. Which was an odd response to the question, “So, how do you like this weather?”

An 800-pound Mexican man’s attempt to go to a picnic in pursuit of a date was ruined after the flatbed truck carrying his bed to the event hit an overpass and his bed was damaged, forcing him to return home. Which is a shame, as, otherwise, the plan was solid.

Seth Meyers: The first finalist voted off “American Idol” this week was David Hernandez, who was a former stripper, and is now a current stripper.

A California company has created an IQ test kit for dogs. It works like this: if you buy it, your dog is smarter than you.

Amy Poehler: The State Department upset human rights groups this week by removing China from its annual list of human rights violators. This, despite their plan to light the Olympic torch using an outspoken journalist.

A new study shows that at least one in four teenage girls in the U.S. has a sexually-transmitted disease. “I like those odds,” said Mr. Mathis, the cool history teacher.

Seth Meyers: This week, the issue of race once again became the focal point for the Democratic Presidential candidates. Hillary Clinton’s longtime advisor, Geraldine Ferraro, said, “If Barack Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position. And if he was a woman, he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is.” Here to comment, an old friend of ours, Tracy Morgan.

[ the audience cheers ]

Tracy Morgan: Thank you Seth. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Why is it every time a black man in this country gets too good at something, there’s always someone to come around and remind us that he’s black? First, Tiger… then, Donovan McNabb… then, me! And now Barack. I got a theory about that. It’s a little complicated, but, basically, it goes like this: We are a racist country. The end! Maybe not the people in this room…

But, if we’re not a racist country, then how did Hillary convince everybody in Texas and Ohio that Barack didn’t know how to answer the phone at three in the morning? Let me tell you something: Barack knows how to answer that phone! He’s not going to answer it, like, [ trembling ] “Hello..? I’m scared. and what’s going on..?” He’s going to answer it like I would get a call at three in the morning! [ angrily ] “Yeah, who’s this?! It better be good, or I’m gonna come down there and put somebody in a wheelchair!”

[ Tracy squints to read the next line on the cue card, but faces difficulty. He tries to stifle a laugh. ]

Some things never change, Seth!

Seth Meyers: [ shrugs his shoulders, confused ] Okay…

Tracy Morgan: [ reading the cue card correctly now ] People say he’s not a fighter. Let me tell you something, he’s gangster. He’s from Chicago! Barack is not just winning because he’s a black man. If that were the case, I would be winning. And I’m WAY blacker than him! I used to smoke Newports and drink Old English! I grew up on government cheese! I prefer it.

Now there’s all this stuff, and all this talk, about the pastor. Barack gotta stay away from the pastor, because he’s TOO black! But, just because he knows the dude, doesn’t think — doesn’t mean he’s gonna think like him. You know? Look, I have a friend that goes to strip clubs. That doesn’t mean that I’M gonna go to the strip club.

Seth Meyers: But… you do go to strip clubs.

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, but I go for the girls! Not because my friend is going! I have integrity! Barack is qualified! Personally, I want to know what qualifies Hilary Clinton to be the next president? Is it because she was married to the president? If that were the case, then Robin Givens would be heavyweight champion of the world! If Hillary’s last name wasn’t Clinton, she’d be some crazy white lady with too much money and not enough lovin’! That’s where I come in. Now, I know women like that. You do NOT want them on the phone at three in the morning!

In conclusion, three weeks ago, my girl, Tina Fey — she came on this show, and she declared that “Bitch is the new Black.” And you know I love you, Tina. You know you’re my girl. But I have something to say: Bitch may be the new Black… but Black is the new president… bitch!

Seth Meyers: Tracy Morgan, everybody!

Tracy Morgan: In da house!

Amy Poehler: Thank you, Tracy. It’s always nice to have you back.

A new study has found that 17% of schoolchildren are already drinking alcohol by middle school. The remaining 83%? Still nerds.

Seth Meyers: Officials in Amsterdam now say that people can have sex in a city park, as long as it is limited to the evening hours or night and is not near the playground. Adding, “Ah what the heck — do it in the playground!”

A small Iowa town that is being overrun by stray cats has offered a five dollar bounty for each animal captured and turned in. It sounds like a job for “Actual Dog the Bounty Hunter.”

Amy Poehler: The CW is developing an updated version of the 1990’s hit show “Beverly Hills, 90210.” It’s called “One O.C. Gossip Tree Creek.”

Seth Meyers: Yesterday was Pi Day, which is celebrated by mathematicians because March 14th, or 3.14, is the value of pi. So, uh — yeah. I was pretty hungover this morning!

Amy Poehler: Poland’s Prime Minister, Donal Tusk, visited President Bush in Washington this week to discuss modernizing the Polish military. Specifically, replacing all the screen doors on Polish submarines.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

The Suze Orman Show

Suze Orman…..Kristen Wiig
Caller…..Will Forte
Kenny Ptusiak…..Jonah Hill

[ opening graphics ]

Announcer: It’s The Suze Orman Show!

[ dissolve to Suze Orman ]

Suze Orman: Hello, my friends. I’m… Suze Orman! The first item on the docket today, I… HAVE… to tell ya, that no matter where I go, women… always… seem to ask me… the same… thing. It doesn’t matter if I’m on the Oprah show, or out… on the street… walking… my… cat. They ask me: “Suze… where… do… you… get… your… jackets?” Well, today… I’m… going to tell you! I get most of my jackets in Phoenix, Arizona, at a place called Joanne’s Phoenix Jacket Junction.

[ reveal photo of Orman standing in front of the shop with Joanne ]

Suze Orman: And that… is… Joanne. Now, I am… not… gonna lie: I spend 80% of my gross income on… my… jackets. Whether they be sparkly, studded, stained-glass, denim and leather, or courduroy animal print. You may say, “Suze… why… so… many… jackets, for bubble’s sake?” I am going to… tell you… right now! When I pass away, all of those jackets will be donated to homeless women… to wear… to dinner!

[ she smiles proudly ]

Moving on! And, now… it’s time where I tell you… if you… can afford it. Okay! Phil from Miami, what can I do you for?

Caller: Oh, well, I’m retired and pretty well off.

Suze Orman: Oh! Are you single?

Caller: Why, yes, I am.

Suze Orman: Are you a woman?

Caller: Nope.

Suze Orman: Well, then, Phil… you… can count… me… out! What are you… just dying… to buy?

Caller: Well, I would just love to go explore Europe this summer.

Suze Orman: Okay, Phil. Show me… the money.

Caller: Well, I have, uh — two million in savings, 100 million in stocks, and 20 million in retirement.

Suze Orman: Okay. And you… want… to go… to Europe. An unskilled financial advisor would look at your profile and say, “Arriverderci, Phil!” But, ohhhh no! Not… me! You want to see all of Europe? Fly to Florida, go… to Epcot Center! And bring your own Toblerone candy log… and carry it… in… your waist-purse. Did you ever think of that, Mr. Moneybags?

[ hang-up sound effect ]

Suze Orman: People! If you don’t hold on to the money you have now… life is gonna pull your pants down… and punch you… in… the moneybags. Okay? Sorrrrrry, my dear. But that’s… the way… the Toblerone… turns! And now, it’s time to meet a wonderful guest, who I think is SUCH a doll — his name… is Kenny… Ptusiak. Hi, Kenny!

[ reveal Kenny on split-screen ]

Kenny Ptusiak: Hi, Suze, I love your show.

Suze Orman: Thank you, my dear one. How… can I… help you?

Kenny Ptusiak: Well, in the late 90’s, my wife and I bought a house in a very bad neighborhood in L.A. And now, the area’s getting hot, and the value has gone up about 300%.

Suze Orman: Sounds pretty good so far! But I think… I’m about… to smell… a big… financial… garlic burn! [ she smiles enthusiastically ]

Kenny Ptusiak: Well… I took her out to a financial seminar, and they suggested we SELL the house… and buy a dilapidated hospital along the San Andreas Fault.

Suze Orman: [ shaking her head ] Kenny, why would you even consider this?

Kenny Ptusiak: I don’t know… Mainly, because I’ve always wanted to have a hospital.

Suze Orman: Kennnnny! Over my tan-faced, pale body… are you… to even THINK… about… going ahead… with… this… deal! It will RUIN your life, as well… as… your future!

Kenny Ptusiak: [ meekly ] I already did it…

Suze Orman: Kenny, you are… a full… tilt… dumb ass!

Kenny Ptusiak: [ speechless ]

Suze Orman: Listen, my little friends: if you’re not saving, you’re losing. Do what I do. I save money every day, and it’s really… quite… simple. I always bring my own food and drink in Ziploc bags wherever I go, even… to… restaurants! [ she holds up two Ziploc bags ] I only travel by crank-powered three-wheel bicycles. I make my own deodorant in my crockpot. And… my partner and I… live… in… my dressing room. Now… THAT’S… financial freedom!

Well! THAT… is… the show! I… am off… to court. I’m being sued by a woman who claims she was blinded… by the whiteness of my teeth at a stop light… and drove… straight into… a pond. Okay? And don’t forget, my little dear ones: people first, then money… then things… then jackets.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

Spitzer & Associates

Eliot Spitzer…..Bill Hader
Mrs. Spitzer…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Eliot Spitzer standing at podium, with his frowning wife standing helplessly at his side ]

Eliot Spitzer: Hello. I’m Eliot Spitzer. For the past ten years, I’ve proudly served the people of New York State: eight years as Attorney General, and fourteen months as Governor. Through it all, I’ve NEVER stopped fighting for you; protecting your rights, ensuring your safety, and singlehandedly taking on the special interests.

[ Mrs. Spitzer rolls her eyes ]

Eliot Spitzer: Now that I’ve resigned as Governor, I intend to bring that same passion and intensity to my new career: as an attorney in private practice, specializing in lurid, embarrassing sex cases.

[ Mrs. Spitzer purses her lips ]

Eliot Spitzer: You see, getting caught up in an ugly scandal, involving money-laundering and high-priced call girls, may have ended my political career and brought pain to my family —

[ he turns to glance at Mrs. Spitzer, who turns her head and glances away from him ]

Eliot Spitzer: — but it also taught me something important: when you find yourself in legal trouble, particularly of a distasteful, deeply humiliating nature, you… need… a good attorney… in your corner. An attorney who will FIGHT for you — no matter how undignified your case — and fight ferociously, without shame or embarrassment. NO ONE will fight harder for you. And believe me when I say: I am, at this point, incapable of embarrassment.

[ SUPER: 1-800-T-A-W-D-R-Y | Spitzer & Associates ]

Eliot Spitzer: Have you suffered a slip-and-fall in a gay bathhouse? I will be HONORED to handle your case!

Have you been injured by a defective motorized masturbation device? We’ll take them to court — you and me!

Has U.S. Customs unfairly seized your shipment of German porn? Let’s SUE them, and get it BACK! If we succeed, we’ll make history! The TWO of us!

[ his cell phone rings ]

Eliot Spitzer: Excuse me. I’m sorry… Sorry about this…

[ he pulls his cell phone out of his pocket, but Mrs. Spitzer tugs on it to examine the Caller ID. Spitzer pulls it back from her. ]

Eliot Spitzer: Come on! [ he holds the cell phone to his ear ] Spitzer! [ he frowns ] Counselor? Do you have an offer, or are we gonna keep playing games here? Oh, yes. Your client ADMITS she inserted a knotted handkerchief — obviously, there was an implied promise of removal! Oh. Okay… okay… Yeah? Oh, here’s my counter-offer: you, by the side of the road, wrapped in PLASTIC!! [ he hangs up ] Douchebag. Don’t worry, that’s just blowing smoke! They’re — they’re gonna settle.

Look — the high-priced call girl services have lawyers working for their side. Why shouldn’t you? Whether it’s a major issue, such as the incompotent brothel worker who, time after time, screws up a simple erotic asphyxiation… or something smaller, like not getting the reach-around you paid for… you don’t have to take it! I won’t let them MAKE you take it! And what if it’s the dreaded “worst-case” scenario: the dead hooker? Don’t make yourself crazy over it. Look — any death is an unfortunate thing. But it’s not like either of you intended it. These things happen. Let me take care of it. I will do professionally… and with pride.

So don’t make the mistake of many in your position, and assume I won’t take your case because it’s nasty or sickening. Believe me, THAT won’t happen! In all honesty, I can’t imagine a case I would turn down. That’s a promise. And so is this: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

[ camera pans over to Mrs. Spitzer’s sour face before cutting to the opening montage ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

Six Year Old

Adam Grossman…..Jonah Hill
Evan Grossman…..Bill Hader
Woman 1…..Casey Wilson
Woman 2…..Kristen Wiig
Sushin…..Fred Armisen
Waitress…..Amy Poehler
Man…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on exterior, Benihana ]

[ dissolve to interior, hibachi grill. Two women sit on one end, as Evan Grossman and his six-year old son, Adam Grossman, take their seats on the opposite end of the table. ]

Adam Grossman: Excuse me, ladies! Are these seats taken?

Woman 1: Uh — no.

Adam Grossman: What luck! Good evening! I’m Adam Grossman, I am currently six years old, and this is my father, Evan Grossman — age classified. My father is recently divorced — ie. on the market — and, as luck would have it, his condo is a stone’s throw away from this very Benihana!

[ the two women nod politely ]

Woman 2: Nice to meet you.

Adam Grossman: And she’s NOT interested! Bad news, Dad! The recon mission did NOT go well! Nary a BLIP! But stick with the old sportscoat and sour face — it’s doing WONDERS for you! It’s a JOKE! Lighten up!

Evan Grossman: Leave these nice ladies alone, Adam…

Adam Grossman: And he SPEAKS! Welcome back to the land of the living! [ to the ladies ] Excuse me, my darlings — my father has LOW self-esteem! He also has issues of Hustler that he keeps under his BED! Like I wouldn’t check there! I’m SIX!! I shouldn’t SEE such things!

Sushin: Good evening.

Adam Grossman: Good to SEE you, Sushin! Ladies, a warning: Sushin is known to like his sake, so watch your fingers! I’m KIDDING, Sushin! Arregato and Mazel Tov to you!

Sushin: How are you this evening?

Adam Grossman: How am I?! The same way I am the third weekend of EVERY month, Sushin — living it up, Las Vegas-style on the couch of my dad’s condo! RELAX, Dad, it’s a JOKE! Seriously, though — would it KILL you to get CABLE?! I’m SIX years old! A little “Zach & Cody” goes a long way! [ turns to the ladies ] Ladies: are you familiar with the work of Zach & Cody?

[ the two women shake their heads ]

Woman 1: Sorry…?

Adam Grossman: It’s about two TWINS who live in a HOTEL! They have a BUTLER!! I’m stuck here with Mr. Personality! It’s like living with PAINT, if paint cried and complained about how expensive GAS is!! [ turns to look at his slent dad ] Beeeeeeeeep! And he’s FLATLINED!! Nurse! Nurse! It’s a JOKE, Dad! SMILE!

[ Waitress walks up ]

Waitress: Alright. Can I get you guys something to drink?

Adam Grossman: Hello, sweetheart. I’ll have a Chivas on the rocks! I’m KIDDING!! I’m six years old! But, let me say, you are looking so lovely tonight. I feel like I’m EIGHT!! [ he holds up as many fingers ]

Evan Grossman: He’ll have a ginger ale, and I’ll have a glass of Chardonnay, please.

Adam Grossman: Chardonnay? Way to MAN UP, Dad! [ to the waitress ] Excuse me! Can you also bring him a DRESS, and two tickets to “RENT”?

Evan Grossman: [ embarrassed ] Please…

Adam Grossman: Please, what? Please get you back together with Mom?! I know that’s what you want, ’cause you TALK in your SLEEP! I’m not eavesdropping, mind you, but the walls in your condo are thinner than Shelly Duvall! I’m JOKING!! I don’t even know who that is! I’m SIX!!

Evan Grossman: Adam, we’re going to go home if you can’t control yourself.

Adam Grossman: I’ll file that one under “Empty Threats”! [ to Sushin ] Excuse me! Hey, Sushin! Any chance I could get my chicken before bedtime? Which is 8:30! [ taps woman to his right on her shoulder ] This lady knows what I’m talking about!

Woman 2: [ confused ] I’m sorry… me?

Adam Grossman: You, I like. You’re not like that minx Hannah Montana that everyone in my grade is going nuts for. Don’t get me wrong — she’s a sweet girl, but a little too opinionated, if you ask me! She’s the type of gal, as soon as you start going steady, everything changes! “Adam! Can you buy me some candy!” “Adam! Can you buy me some popcorn!” I make two dollars a WEEK!! Maybe you didn’t hear the news, but I’m SIX!!

Evan Grossman: Adam actually has a little crush on Hannah Montana.

Adam Grossman: Ohhh!! Ohhh!! Now we’re telling secrets?! Okay! Well, there’s a secret for ya’! [ points to his dad ] This one — this one took out a personal ad in the PENNY SAVER, and described himself as “adventurous”! Mind you, this is a man whose idea of adventure is FRUIT on the bottom! I’m joking, Dad, I LOVE ya’!

[ Man enters and sits next to the two women ]

Man: Hey. Sorry I’m late, guys.

Adam Grossman: Good evening, sir! Welcome to the FUN table! I’m Adam Grossman, and the icebox next to me is my father! I JOKE!! So I have bad table manners! What do you expect?! I’m SIX!! [ holds up as many fingers ]

Man: [ smiles ] Well, hey. How are ya’?

Adam Grossman: If I may answer for my father… he is not well! That is, unless you are a BILLIONAIRE who is looking to buy a collection of Hall & Oates ticket stubs! Because my father just happens to have a WALL of them — FRAMED!!

Evan Grossman: Hey, people don’t want to hear our business…

Adam Grossman: Well, here’s MY business: I’m about to do a Number Two in my pants! So, why don’t you hold my hand and walk me to the bathroom, or else you would rather I get ab-DUCTED! I’m JOKING!! I know he loves me! I love him, but we’re going through a rough patch! Such is life! [ as he gets up ] Hey, Sushin! Make sure that these people keep their hands off my hibachi chicken! I’m joking! Help yourselves, ladies — it’s been wonderful!

[ Adam and his father rise from the table and exit to the bathroom ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

What’s Your Situation?

Lou Delholm…..Jonah Hill
Bethany Graham…..Kristen Wiig
Tanya Perkins…..Casey Wilson
Rhonda…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: It’s time once again for everyone’s favorite brain-busting game show: “What’s Your Situation?” And here is your host Lou Delholm.

Lou Delholm: Hi everybody, I’m Lou Delholm and as always we’ve got a great game for you, so let’s get right to it. Contestants, for 50 points: what measure of energy comes from the Latin word meaning heat? Bethany Graham from White Plains?

Bethany Graham: That would be the calorie.

Lou Delholm: Very good Bethany, you are on the board! And let’s follow up this question with another one just for you: Bethany, what’s your situation?

Bethany Graham: I… I’m sorry, what?

Lou Delholm: You know, what’s your situation, are you single, are you seeing somebody or?…

Bethany Graham: Oh, I’m single at the moment…

Lou Delholm: It’s good to know, it’s good to know… cool, cool, it’s good to know…Our next question is from the world of sports, here we go: this nine-time Olympic gold medalist… Tanya Perkins with the early buzz?

Tanya Perkins: Is it Jackie Joyner-Kersee?

Lou Delholm: Oh, I’m sorry, Tanya, we were looking for Mark Spitz. But let me hear you up with the follow-up question though. Tanya, what’s your situation?

Tanya Perkins: Is this for points?

Lou Delholm: It could be… it could be for a lot of points, what’s your situation?

Tanya Perkins: Um… I’m married.

Lou Delholm: Oh… why?

Tanya Perkins: ‘Cause I love my husband?

Lou Delholm: Well, that’s the end of the road for Tanya; thanks so much for playing the game.

Tanya Perkins: That’s it?

Lou Delholm: Yeah, bye Tanya. Rhonda, you’ve been awful quiet over there.

Rhonda: Uh-huh?

Lou Delholm: You want something to drink? Something, a daiquiri or something?

Rhonda: I’d love a question.

Lou Delholm: Okay, here’s one: Rhonda, what’s your sitch?

Rhonda: I’m sorry, what does this have to do with the game?

Lou Delholm: Are you a lesbian, is that it?

Rhonda: What’s wrong with you?

Lou Delholm: It’s cool Rhonda, you’re a lesbian, whatever. And that means Bethany’s our big winner today!

Bethany Graham: I only answered one question…

Lou Delholm: Good enough for me, and now here’s your chance to double your money. Walk this way and take a crack at our isolation chamber.

Bethany Graham: Ooh.

Lou Delholm: You have 30 seconds, let’s go, come on.

Bethany Graham: Wait, you’re coming too?

Lou Delholm: Yeah, I’m gonna come in, also.

Bethany Graham: Oh.

[ they enter the isolation booth together, now seen only in silhoette ]

Lou Delholm: So, what’s up?

Bethany Graham: Um, what’s up with what?

Lou Delholm: I dunno know, you tell me…

Bethany Graham: Am I winning?

Lou Delholm: Yeah, it’s so definitely.

Bethany Graham: Okay, look, I think I’m gonna go.

Lou Delholm: Shh, what kind of music do you like, Maroon 5?

Bethany Graham: Okay, what, what, can you open this door, please?

Lou Delholm: Sure, yeah, okay.

[ he opens the door, they step out of the isolation booth ]

Bethany Graham: Creep. [ she exits ]

Lou Delholm: Man, she got weird.

Rhonda: Yeah.

Lou Delholm: Well, don’t you go anywhere because when we come back, Rhonda is gonna be trying her luck in the isolation booth.

Rhonda: No, I’m not.

Lou Delholm: We’ll be right back.

Rhonda: I’m not going in there.

Lou Delholm: You should.

Rhonda: No, I don’t want to. Thank you.

Lou Delholm: You should…

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

An SNL Digital Short

…..Jonah Hill
…..Andy Samberg
Ben Samberg…..Jim Downey
…..Bill Hader

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to Andy Samberg being fitted for a costume change, as Jonah Hill walks up ]

Jonah Hill: Hey, dude.

Andy Samberg: [ looking up ] Hey, man.

Jonah Hill: [ apprehensive ] Um — are you busy right now? Can you grab a coffee, or something?

Andy Samberg: Yeah, of course. [ uneasy ] Is everything okay?

Jonah Hill: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I just want to run something by you real quick.

Andy Samberg: Okay. Let’s do it.

[ cut to Andy and Jonah seated at a table in Starbuck’s ]

Andy Samberg: So, what’s going on? You nervous about the show?

Jonah Hill: [ shaking his head ] No, I’m — I’m — I’m feeling okay about the show. I’m more excited than anything else.

Andy Samberg: Well, good. So what’s up?

Jonah Hill: Um… so, you remember when I met your family last week at the show?

[ flashback to Jonah meeting the Samberg Family ]

Andy Samberg: Oh… yeah. They actually loved you. My mom thought you were hilarious!

Jonah Hill: [ nervous ] Yeah, uh — well, there’s actually kind of an issue with that.

Andy Samberg: [ confused ] Like… what kind of an issue?

Jonah Hill: Well… since then… I’ve, uh — I’ve sort of been… seeing your dad.

Andy Samberg: What was that?

Jonah Hill: [ more direct ] I’ve been dating your dad.

Andy Samberg: Like, my dad, dad?

[ flashback to Jonah shaking hands with Mr. Samberg, their spark going unnoticed by the remainder of the Samberg Family ]

Jonah Hill: Like… your father… Ben. I’ve been seeing him every day.

Andy Samberg: So, what — you guys hang out, or something?

Jonah Hill: Quite a bit, actually.

Andy Samberg: What?

[ flashback to Jonah having dinner with the Samberg Family ]

Jonah Hill: So, last week — remember when we all had dinner?

Andy Samberg: Yeah.

Jonah Hill: Do you remember when we all parted ways? Alright, well… I had to run back in because I had forgotten my scarf, and… who should walk in, but your dad… and he’d forgotten his gloves. Neither of us were tired, so… we were, like, “Hey! Why don’t we just go grab a beer, or something?”

Andy Samberg: You grabbed a beer with my dad?

Jonah Hill: Yes! Just listen, okay?

[ flashback to Jonah and Mr. Samberg having that beer — clinking their glasses, laughing, and nonchalently touching hands ]

Jonah Hill: So, we got a beer, and… we just started talking, and… truth be told, he is one of the most fascinating people I’ve ever met in my life.

Andy Samberg: [ laughing ] Is this a joke?

Jonah Hill: No! I mean… I wish it was a joke. It would be easier if it was a joke. It’s just that, Ben is —

Andy Samberg: My dad.

Jonah Hill: Yes! Your “dad”! My “boyfriend”! Whatever!

Andy Samberg: You’re just “hanging out”, right? It’s not as if you’re…?

Jonah Hill: No, no, no, no, no! It’s gotten extraordinarily physical. I mean —

[ flashback to Jonah and Mr. Samberg open-mouthed kissing one another and groping each other’s knees ]

[ Andy’s face registers a silent panic, as Jonah fondly sips his coffee ]

Jonah Hill: I’m not usually a coffee guy. [ smiles ] Ben’s got me trying all sorts of crazy things!

Andy Samberg: Right. Uhhhh — I gotta be honest with you, I’m… really not cool with this.

Jonah Hill: I know it sounds insane. It sounds nuts, but — [ he shakes his head ] this isn’t just some fling.

[ flashback to Jonah and Mr. Samberg looking out over the harbor… feeding each other during a picnic in Central Park… running through the park… holding hands as they walk through the city… laughing together on the couch before Jonah lowers himself below the screen to perform oral sex on Mr. Samberg ]

Jonah Hill: I don’t know how else to say it. I just… I feel like I’ve never felt with anybody else in my entire life. We just have so much fun together. I mean, when we’re together, we laugh and we laugh and we laugh and we laugh, and we laugh some more.

Andy Samberg: Dude… you’re dating my 57-year old father…

Jonah Hill: Why is everyone freaking out about the age thing! You sound like your MOM right now!

Andy Samberg: [ near tears ] Don’t say my “mom”.

Jonah Hill: I know this is tough! But, even if I lose a friend over this… I like to think that I’ve gained a son.

Andy Samberg: Okay…

[ Mr. Samberg enters, smiling ]

Mr. Samberg: Uh-oh! Here’s my guys! Andy… [ rubs Andy’s shaggy hair ] Jonah… [ kisses Jonah on the lips ]

Jonah Hill: Hi. Ben.

[ Andy is stone-faced ]

Mr. Samberg: Andy… I’ve been meaning to tell you. Jonah and I are dating.

Jonah Hill: I’m sorry… I told him already.

Mr. Samberg: Blabbermouth!

Jonah Hill: I know, I’m the worst!

[ Bill Hader enters ]

Bill Hader: Hey, Ben! I’m ready to go! [ freezes when he notices Andy and Jonah are also there ] Andy… Jonah. How do you guys know Ben?

Andy Samberg: Uh… he’s my dad?

Bill Hader: Small world! We’ve been f–kin’!

[ freeze-frame as Hader turns to the camera and smiles ]

[ SUPER: “Created by Lorne Michaels ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts