Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

NBC Special Report

Brian Williams…..Will Forte
Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond
Jeffrey Greenberg…..Fred Armisen
Gail Parker…..Amy Poehler

[ open on NBC news graphics ]

Announcer: We interrupt this program for an NBC Special Report. Here’s Brian Williams.

[ dissolve to Brian Williams in the NBC News studio ]

Brian Williams: Good evening. In a week already ripe with political scandal, we now have another revelation that is bound to shake up the Republican nomination. After a year-long NBC News investigation, it has come to light that the presumptive Republican nominee — John McCain — is, in fact, OLD!

[ show graphic of John McCain with the word “OLD” ]

NBC News has obtained a copy of McCain’s birth certificate that appears to confirm that he is not only old, but very old. The kind of old that makes you not really trust him with scissors. Due to the potentially damaging nature of these allegations, we’ve invited Sen. McCain to be on the program. Senator, what is your response to this scandal?

[ cut to Sen. John McCain, with SUPER: “John McCain: Is He Old?” ]

Sen. John McCain: I wouldn’t really call this a scandal. The fact is, I’ve never lied about my age, nor should I have to. I’m 71, but I work 24/7. [ he chuckles ] I’m very active!

Brian Williams: So, you wouldn’t describe yourself as old?

Sen. John McCain: Absolutely not.

Brian Williams: Uh, Senator, this investigation was exhaustive. Uh — let me show you some of what NBC uncovered.

[ show still photo of McCain an early bird buffet ]

Brian Williams: Here’s a surveillance photo of you, Senator, walking into Bob Evans to take advantage of their buffet.

Sen. John McCain: [ he chuckles ] Yes, I was having dinner. I don’t see how that’s relevant.

Brian Williams: Can you see the time stamp on that photo, Senator? It says 4:30 in the afternoon.

Sen. John McCain: My friends, I would rather talk about national priorities, like the young men and women serving in Iraq!

Brian Williams: They also went into your bank records and found this:

[ show image of a check ]

Brian Williams: Now, this is a check signed by you, Senator. It was sent to your grandson for his birthday. As you can see, the check is for five dollars, and the memo line reads: “For penny candy”. Can you explain this, Senator?

Sen. John McCain: I don’t see anything wrong with giving my grandson a birthday present. But, look — I want to discuss pork barrel spending!

Brian Williams: They also uncovered phone records. Call logs show that several times you were contacted by fraudulent telemarketers. These scam artists tricked you into buying low-cost vitamins, a rotisserie grill, and a non-existent time share in Orlando. Now, are you afraid of strange people on the phone, Senator?

Sen. John McCain: [ incredulous ] What? No!

Brian Williams: Do they confuse you with their fast talk and big promises?

Sen. John McCain: Let’s cut the brass tacks, my friends. I may be 71, but I’m not too old to run this country!

Brian Williams: Are you old enough to regularly use the phrase “brass tacks”?

Sen. John McCain: You know, as I’ve said many times, why don’t you look at my mother? She’s 95, and she’s fit as a fiddle.

Brian Williams: “Fit as a fiddle”. Uh, is that another one of those senior expressions? Look, if you’re just joining us, hours ago it was confirmed by multiple sources that Sen. John McCain is crazy old. Uh, here to confirm our awe analysis are two admittedly old people — Jeffrey Greenberg and Gail Parker, from Long Island. Welcome.

[ cut to the two old people via satellite ]

Gail Parker: [ looking around ] Hello..?

Jeffrey Greenberg: Are we on?

Gail Parker: Hello..?

Jeffrey Greenberg: Hello..?

Brian Williams: Yes. Yes, you’re on, sir, ma’am.

Jeffrey Greenberg: Hello..?

Brian Williams: Yes. Uh, let me ask you this: based on your firsthand experience, is Sen. McCain old?

Jeffrey Greenberg: Oh, yeah. Yes.

Gail Parker: Oh, absolutely!

Jeffrey Greenberg: Yes!

Gail Parker: Who’s talking?

Jeffrey Greenberg: Hello?

Brian Williams: Sen. McCain, any response?

Sen. John McCain: Well, I mean, you people certainly sound like you’re doing alright, but, with all due respect, I’m not quite as old as you are. I’m 71.

Jeffrey Greenberg: I’m 70!

Gail Parker: And I’m 68! If you’re not old, here’s a test: Do you watch “Wheel of Fortune”?

Sen. John McCain: [ he scoffs ] Of course! Everybody does!

Jeffrey Greenberg: Is there a — is there a jar full of hard candy in your living room?

Sen. John McCain: [ he laughs ] Yes. So what?

Gail Parker: Do you steal Sweet ‘n Low packets from McDonald’s?

Sen. John McCain: Uh — maybe once or twice.

Gail Parker: Then, you’re old, John!

Jeffrey Greenberg: You’re old! You’re old, and you admit it.

Brian Williams: Uh, thank you. Uh — we now return to our regularly scheduled program. join us tonight for more coverage of this Seniorgate scandal. we’ll examine surveillance footage of Sen. McCain sitting alone on a bench in the middle of the mall.

[ cut to NBC news graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Isaac…..Jonah Hill
Life Coach…..Bill Hader

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
He found out everybody hates him and he went into a tailspin!
MacGruber!
He doesn’t trust anyone except for his life coach!
MacGruber!
He wears a friggin’ diaper now!

[CUT to MacGruber wearing a diaper as he walks in front of the camera]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to Human Trafficking Headquarters. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Human Trafficking Headquarters.” CUT to a sign marked “Human Trafficking Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Isaac: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, the door is bolted shut!

Vicky: That’s not all, MacGruber, this ammonium nitrate bomb is set to blow in 20 seconds!

[MacGruber looks away from the bomb, as his Life Coach steps forward]

Life Coach: Hey MacGruber, do you wanna say something to them? [MacGruber whispers in his ear] No, no, I’m not gonna tell them that because you can’t defuse the bomb, MacGruber. How about we do this together, okay?

Vicky: 15 seconds!

Life Coach: Okay, let’s start asking for supplies, okay?

MacGruber: Chair.

Life Coach: Chair, a chair, that’s a great idea ,MacGruber, yeah, a chair.

Isaac: Wha… come on!

Life Coach: [to Issac] We don’t need your negativity right now.

[MacGruber begins to tap the chair’s legs onto the bomb]

Life Coach: You’re taking small steps but they’re big steps, buddy. That’s good, MacGruber.

Isaac: You can’t defuse a bomb with a chair!

Life Coach: What’s your name?

Isaac: Isaac.

Life Coach: Isaac, let me let you in a little secret: you can do anything if you put your mind…

[CUT to Human Trafficking Headquarters exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Isaac…..Jonah Hill

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
His co-workers are buzzing ‘bout his total incompetence!
MacGruber!
He’s trying to ignore it but it really hurts his feelings!
MacGruber!
He’s lashing out at everyone!

[CUT to MacGruber giving a pixellated finger to the camera]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to an abandoned paint factory. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Paint Factory.” CUT to a sign marked “Paint Factory Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Isaac: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door won’t budge!

MacGruber: Yeah, I’m not an idiot, Isaac, okay? I know the door won’t budge.

Vicky: Uh, MacGruber, from the looks of this booby-trapped RPG, we’ve got exactly 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Oh my God, you too, Vicky? Is that how this is gonna be?

Vicky: I was just giving the time.

MacGruber: Yeah, no, I know what you were doing and I know who put you up to it. But I wanna thank you both for this, because now I know that I am the only person I can trust. So, I will be making the decisions today, okay? So, uh, Vicky, ga… gimme the, tha… mmh… oh my God, they all look like they could help, uh… ah… mmh… oh I can’t do this, no I can! I can do this! I can do this, I can do this… uh… Make a decision! [mumbling] Okay Vicky, hand me the shammy! Hand me the shammy, hand me the shammy!

Vicky: There you go MacGruber!

[MacGruber breaks into tears]

Isaac: Oh my God, MacGruber, are you crying?

MacGruber: Oh, what are you gonna do everybody? You’re gonna tell all your little friends?! No, this is not easy, you think you can do better?

Isaac: I literally couldn’t do any worse than you did.

MacGruber: Oh then be my friggin’ guest!

Isaac: Okay, great.

MacGruber: Be my guest.

Isaac: Okay, why don’t we switch, alright, great.

[ they switch sides ]

Vicky: 10 seconds, Isaac!

Isaac: Uh… hand me all that stuff over there, okay just hand it over. Okay, okay, great.

MacGruber: Do you need anything from over here? Can I help you in any way?

Isaac: No, I’m fine with your stuff.

MacGruber: Okay great, well then I’ll just wait over here until the explosion.

Isaac: Okay.

Vicky: 5 seconds!

MacGruber: Four… three…

Isaac: You’re not helping!

MacGruber: Two… one… kaboom. [ no explosion ] Oh, I… guess Vicky’s count was a little…

[CUT to the paint factory exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

MacGruber

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Isaac…..Jonah Hill

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
MacGruber!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!

[CUT to MacGruber performing punching poses against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to an abandoned bank. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Bank.” CUT to a sign marked “Bank Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Isaac: [struggling with locked door] Come on! MacGruber, this door is welded shut!

Vicky: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — from the looks of that detonator, this whole place is gonna blow in 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Well, I know one thing that’s not gonna blow, and that’s our cool. So just stay calm because we will get out of here. [mutters to himself ] We will, we will…

Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, we can do this… [ silently ] right?

Isaac: Are you asking us or telling us?

MacGruber: I’m sorry, I just heard from a little birdie that, uh, somebody was talking smack behind my back the other day and, uh, you know, it was very hurtful what they were saying, so…

Isaac: Can we talk about this later? This isn’t really relevant right now.

MacGruber: Well, actually it is! It was about my job performance, so I’d say it’s very relevant right now.

Vicky: 10 seconds MacGruber!

MacGruber: Fine, okay, fine! Uh — uh — uh, Isaac! Hand me that chalk!

Isaac: Coming right out MacGruber!

MacGruber: Vicky, that hairbrush!

Vicky: You’ve got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, Isaac! Okay, look, I’m just gonna lay out my cards on the table here. That little birdie was my friend Brad, and he said that the person talking behind my back… was you.

Isaac: Uh…

Vicky: Five seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, forget it, I don’t care what you think, anyway! Okay? Because I’m very good at my job! [ mopey ] Do you really think I’m not good at my j…

[CUT to the bank exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

Goodnights

…..Jonah Hill

Jonah Hill: Thanks to Mariah Carey, T-Pain, Tracy Morgan. Thank you, Jim Downey! The cast and crew! Uh — there’s a lot of people I love in this world, watching at home, and… we’re here, and I love you, and thanks very much!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

Internet Date

Dean….Jonah Hill
Hot Date….Casey Wilson

(Opens with an outside shot of Tad´s Broiled Steaks restaurant. Cut to inside of it. A fat nerdy guy sits with a beautiful woman. They are kind of nervous.)

Hot Date: It’s nice to meet you face to face after talking on-line for so long.

Dean: Yeah, so, what do you think?

Hot Date: Uh…

Dean: I love the smell of burnt meat.

Hot Date: So, uh, you said that you´re a personal trainer?

Dean: Yeah, I personally trained my dog to drink beer.

Hot Date: And, um, you also said that you work in the, in the movie business?

Dean: I do. I work at Netflix in envelope receiving.

Hot Date: Cool.

Dean: Pretty cool…yeah.

Hot Date: Yeah, and you said, you done some modeling?

Dean: Yeah, I do. Actually, I do freelance work as a before model in tooth repair commercials.

Hot Date: Um, you mentioned in your IM that you had 3 children — one of which was grown?

Dean: Um, yes, I was actually referring to my penis and testicles. I said one of which is growing, not grown.

Hot Date: Oh, I see.

Dean: Yeah, you misread that.

Hot Date: Yeah, you also, you said that you sing in a barbershop quartet with three bald guys?

Dean: Once again, referring to my genitals, yeah.

Hot Date: And you, live in the meat packing district?

Dean: Another genny reference.

Hot Date: Got it, got it. And you said that you own your own home?

Dean: No, I said that I live in a home that is owned — by my parents, who also live there.

Hot Date: That´s kind of weird.

Dean: Your behavior during this date?

Hot Date: No. You said on one of your e-mails that you were the voice of one of the Budweiser frogs in that commercial? But that commercial is like really old.

Dean: Yeah, my friend Akiva and I dubbed our voices over the original commercial but we said “Hudweiser”. Its on YouTube, its got like, 41, non-me views, if you want to check it out.

Hot Date: No, that´s ok. Uh, sorry, another thing, you said that you drive a sports car?

Dean: Yeah, like in its day, the PT Cruiser was a sports car…

Hot Date: PT Cruiser is not an old car.

Dean: You know, I wouldn´t act so high and mighty. You told me some untruths as well, you know.

Hot Date: Like what?

Dean: Like, when you said you were 5´6, you know, you look more like 5´8. And you said you were above average looks, and you´re actually crazy-hot. So who´s calling who a liar?

Hot Date: So, I´m gonna assume you were never in the male version of “The Vagina Monologues”.

Dean: No, but I did listen to a woman tell me a monologue about her vagina on 34th Street. I later found out that she was a vagina peddler.

Hot Date: Why can´t anyone just tell the truth on the Internet?

Dean: Because anyone is afraid that if you knew the truth about them you would never accept an invitation for a night of steaks and human interaction.

Hot Date: Touche.

Dean: Look, if you want to go, go ahead. I understand, it’s fine.

Hot Date: Hey, Dean…

Dean: Yeah.

Hot Date: I have a confession to make. You know when I told you I had identical twins in my family? I meant my boobs.

Dean: I know. That´s why I came. Pass me the A-1, babe.

(Dean gets the A-1 from his hot date. Looks like he´s gonna score)

(Cheers and applause)

(Fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

March 15th, 2008

Jonah Hill

Mariah Carey

None

Tracy Morgan

T-Pain

Jim Downey

Spitzer & AssociatesSummary: Following his resignation for being caught with call girls, New York governor Eliot Spitzer (Bill Hader) announces that he will open a law firm and tackle similarly embarrassing cases.

Transcript

MontageNote: Jonah Hill was originally scheduled to host just prior to the Writer’s Guild Strike.

Note: Janet Jackson was originally scheduled to be tonight’s musical guest, but had to cancel early in the week when she came down with the flu.

Jonah Hill’s MonologueSummary: Jonah Hill employs raunchy lyrics to sing about how fancy he is.

Bio: Jonah Hill (1983-). Actor/writer; freqient collaborator with Seth Rogan; appeared in the films “Knocked Up” (2007) and “Superbad” (2007).

MacGruberSummary: MacGruber (Will Forte) refuses to detonate a bomb until Vicky (Kristien Wiig) and Isaac (Jonah Hill) own up to their dissatisfaction with his job performance.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

What’s Your Situation?Summary: Slimy, obnoxious Lou Delholm (Jonah Hill) uses his game show solely as an excuse to find a woman who will date him.

Transcript

Six Year OldSummary: A six-year old (Jonah Hill) embarrasses his newly-divorced dad (Bill Hader) by obnoxiously performing Borscht Belt humor in front of the hibachi crowd at Benihana’s.

Transcript

MacGruber IISummary: Refusing to detonate a bomb, MacGruber (Will Forte) switches places with Isaac (Jonah Hill) and watches him squirm.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

The Suze Orman ShowSummary: Suze Orman (Kristen Wiig) advices her viewers to live like a cheapskate in order to keep themselves financially stable.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg is shocked when he discovers that Jonah Hill has entered into a gay relationship with his dad (Jim Downey).

Transcript

Mariah Carey performs “Touch My Body”First Performed: 90d.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” after Eliot Spitzer is busted in the prostitution ring. Tracy Morgan responds to the issue of race i the Presidential election.

Transcript

Target GreatlandSummary: The Target clerk (Kristen Wiig) offers relationship advice to co-worker Jeremy (Jonah Hill) as he frets over asking out another employee.

Recurring Characters: Target Lady.

NBC Special ReportSummary: Brian Williams (Will Forte) reveals startling evidence which suggests Sen. John McCain (Darrell Hammond) is old.

Recurring Characters: Brian Williams, John McCain.

Transcript

Clancy T. Bachleratt and Jackie Snad Sing Songs about Spaceships, Toddlers, Model T. Cars & Jars of BeerSummary: Spokesman (Jonah Hill) touts the joint collaboration of patriotic country musicians Clancy T. Bachleratt (Will Forte) and Jackie Snad (Kristen Wiig).

Mariah Carey featuring T-Pain performs “Migrate”Bio: T-Pain (1985-). Hip hop artist/producer.

Internet Blind DateSummary: Schlumpy Dean’s (Jonah Hill) hot date (Casey Wilson) discovers he lied about himself over the Internet.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

]]>

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Tyler Perry’s New MovieSummary: Tyler Perry (Kenan Thompson) promotes his new movie which features actual white actors.

MacGruber IIISummary: After refusing to detonate a bomb, MacGruber (Will Forte) employs the aid of a Life Coach (Bill Hader) to provide positive re-enforcement.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

JugglerSummary: A juggler (Jason Sudeikis) begs people to come to him for juggling lessons after his flyer produces no results.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s Smokehouse and Outpatient Surgical Facility

Written by: Colin Jost, Rob Klein

Dr. Uncle Jimmy…..Will Forte
Customer 1…..Kenan Thompson
Customer 2…..Bill Hader
Ellen Pompeo…..Amy Adams
Doctor…..Andy Samberg
Patient…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on stock footage of surgery being performed at a hospital ]

Announcer: Everyone knows that the number one problem in America is the rising cost of health care…

[ dissolve to footage of barbecue sauce being applied to ribs on a fiery barbecue pit ]

Announcer: And the number two problem is the absence of a delicious, affordable, authentic barbecue experience. Well, finally, you can solve BOTH problems with one location. That’s right! It’s Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s Smokehouse and Outpatient Surgical Facility! On Route 13!

[ dissolve to Dr. Uncle Jimmy standing at the center of a room in which a doctor performs surgery on a patient, and patrons chew on barbecue ]

Dr. Uncle Jimmy: Hi! I’m Dr. Uncle Jimmy, and welcome to Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s Smokehouse and Outpatient Surgical Facility. Since early 2007, then stopping in mid-2007, then resuming in early 2008… we’ve serve up the tastiest wings and the fastest colonoscopy this side of Jasper, Arkansas! I should know. I spent my entire life refining my unique brand of barbecue sauce. [ he holds up a bottle ] And I spent nearly three semesters at a once-accredited medical college in the Carribbean, learning what were then considered modern surgical procedures.

At Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s Smokehouse and Outpatient Surgical Facility, you’ll enjoy: [ the words come on screen as he says them ] Memphis-Style Beef Ribs… Homemade Coleslaw… Cyst and Wart Removal… Mama’s Mac n’ Cheese… Lasik Eye Surgery… Hickory Baked Beans… Refitting a Big Toe as a Thumb… Our Famous Mississippi Mud Pie… and Vasectomies.

But don’t take MY word for it! Just ask two of our paying customers!

[ cut to two customers sitting back-to-back among the booths ]

Customer 1: Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s is like an old-fashioned cookout at one of them dead bodies exhibits.

Customer 2: I mean, sure you could find a better barbecue, or a safer surgical experience.

[ cut back to Dr. Uncle Jimmy ]

Dr. Uncle Jimmy: And the critics love it, too! [ newspaper headlines appear ] We won Official Applicant at the 2007 St. Louis Cookout… And my attempt for the most hernia repairs in twenty-four hours has drawn the attention of the Guiness Book of World Records, as well as the Arkansas State Medical Review Board. … “They’re performing surgery at a barbecue restaurant,” raves the Jasper City Police Report.

Or, take it from another sort-of doctor — television’s Ellen Pompeo!

Ellen Pompeo: [ obviously reading from cue cards ] Hello. You know, I play a doctor on TV, but Dr. Uncle Jimmy doesn’t play around when it… comes to serving… tender, juicy brisket… [ she stops ] Oh, my — oh, my God, is this an ad for a barbecue hospital?!

Dr. Uncle Jimmy: [ shifting his eyes ] Maybe?

Ellen Pompeo: You told me this was a fundraiser for MS.

Dr. Uncle Jimmy: Well, yeah! If “MS” means “Multiple Sauces”!

Ellen Pompeo: Oh, my God… how could the government let this happen?

[ Uncle Jimmy slips to the rear of the room to join a doctor performing surgery in the corner ]

Dr. Uncle Jimmy: Soooo, uh… well, come on back, with Dr. Uncle Jimmy! Look — this guy liked it!

[ The patient turns to look at the barbecued ribs on the doctor’s plate ]

Patient: [ smiling ] Hey! I hope those aren’t my ribs!

[ the patient and the doctor share the laugh together ]

Dr. Uncle Jimmy: And don’t forget the house rules: [ he holds up an IV bag ] If it’s in a bag, it’s blood… [ holds up a second bag ] unless it’s one of our new barbecue basting bags! Mmm, mmm! That makes me wish that I had… [ reads the patient’s chart ] “drug-resistant staph infection.” [ he hangs the barbecue bag next ot the patient ] Oh, yeah!

Patient: [ expressing concern ] Hey, is that the right bag?

Dr. Uncle Jimmy: Well, either way — you’re going home happy!

[ the doctor quickly replaces the barbecue bag with the IV bag ]

Dr. Uncle Jimmy: So come on down to Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s, on Route 13!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

An SNL Digital Short

Businessman/Superhero….Andy Samberg
Purse snatcher….Jason Sudeikis
Victim….Amy Adams

[Opens with a rainy night in the city. The citybuildings light up the city’s skyline. A businessmanpours himself a drink. He looks out his office window.It is one of the top floors. He sings with a troubled heart.]

Businessman/Superhero: [sings] “As I look down in the city…”

[He looks down from up on the roof balcony]

“…my heart sings and cries…”

[He sits in his office]

“…so much crime and evil, everywhere deceit and lies.”

[A masked mugger runs down the street with a bat, aquick drug sale from a van takes place]

“Brothers turning on their brothers, sisters stealing from her sisters!”

[Back in his office]

“Where the dying go to die.”

[Businessman walks the busy city streets. He looks up to the sky]

“So much lies and corruption, the drugs are killing our children….”

[Appalled at the sight of a homeless wino and an overflowed trash bin]

“And no one seems to care, nobody seems to give a damn!!”

[He slaps his gloves into his hands]

“Evildoer pay the piper, I can’t take another murder.”

[Paper headlines “Another 50 murders”. Businessman is angry, disgusted]

“the time is now at hand…”

[Businessman is back in the office, quick flash. Now the businessman is on top of the roof. He wears a full superhero costume. Cape, mask, purple muscled body suit. Heroic pose. Music becomes more heroic]

“…and so I rise from the ashes, the people need a superhero, someone to save them!”

[A purse snatcher is struggling with a woman to get her purse. She tries to fight him off.]

Victim: Help! Somebody, please help me!

[Our Superhero appears behind the purse snatcher]

Businessman/Superhero: [sings] “You stop!, unhand her right now! You’re about to meet your maker…”

[The purse snatcher looks around, he’s a little surprised by the Superhero]

Businessman/Superhero: “Justice has a new name, YEAH! YEAH!, YEAH!, YEAH! For too long you’ve walked among–“

[He’s interrupted by a punch to face from the pursesnatcher, music stops. The purse snatcher punches ourSuperhero 18 times in the face. Our Superhero finallygoes down on his knees, the purse snatcher continuesto punch him the face again and again. He administers30 more blows to the face of our Superhero. The womanlooks around worried and is feeling guilty that ourSuperhero is receiving an unholy beating because ofher. One of the blows makes our Superhero spit outblood on the sidewalk. The woman makes her way pastthe purse snatcher and our Superhero.]

Victim: I just want to say…thank you. You’vebeen….very brave. [leaves]

[Purse snatcher tires from punching our Superhero inthe face. He picks up a mailbox and crashes it on ourSuperhero’s forehead. Superhero lays flat on thesidewalk unconscious. Purse snatcher picks up a pieceof wood and whacks our Superhero in the chest with it.Purse snatcher finally walks away and leaves ourSuperhero half-dead on the city sidewalk.]

[Screen goes black]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Amy Adams’ Monologue

…..Amy Adams
Kristen Wiig…..Amy Adams

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Amy Adams!

Amy Adams: WOW!! Thank you! Thank you very much! Hello! I’m Amy Adams, and welcome to “Saturday Night Live”! And I have been having such an incredible time here, and everyone has been treating me like a real princess! [ she laughs ] Um — I’ve been working with so many talented, wonderful people this week, and — get this, the cutest thing is that one of the cast members, she — she looks so much like me! She could be my sister, you know? [ she glances offscreen ] Kristen? Come up here! Everybody — Kristen Wiig!

[ Kristen Wiig appears on stage ]

Look at us.

[ they put their heads together and smile ]

Isn’t it amazing? Actually, we are SO similar that, uh, we were up for a lot of the same parts in the show, and, three or four times this week, Kristen was gracious enough to step aside. [ Kristen frowns ] But… she’s fine with it! We’re like BEST friends! [ Kristen giggles nervously ] We’re like SISTERS!

Kristen Wiig: [ giggles more nervously, throws her arms in the air ] SIS-TERS!

[ the house band begins to play “What Is This Feeling (Loathing)”, from the movie “Wicked” ]

Amy Adams: “What is this feeling, so sudden and new?”

Kristen Wiig: “I felt it the moment I laid eyes on you.”

Amy Adams: “My pulse is rushing.”

Kristen Wiig: “My head is reeling.”

Amy Adams: “My face is flushing.”

Together:
“What is this feeling?
Fervid as a flame
Does it have a name?
Ye-e-e-e-e-ssss!
Loathing
Unadulterated loathing.”

Kristen Wiig: “For your face…”

Amy Adams: “Jaguar!”

Kristen Wiig: “‘Your clothing!”

Together:
“Let’s just say
I loathe it all!
Every little trait however small
Makes my very flesh begin to crawl
With simple utter loathing
There’s a strange exhileration
In such total detestation
It’s so pure, so strong!
Though I do admit it came on fast
Still I do believe that it can last
And I will be loathing, loathing you
My whole life long!”

Amy Adams: I am younger than you!

Kristen Wiig: I am taller than you!

Amy Adams: I have my original teeth!

Kristen Wiig: I’m… taller than you!

Amy Adams: Wait — wait — this is — this is crazy. I mean, I want you to know that no matter what happens tonight, Kristen… I loathe you! [ she slaps Kristen across the face ] I honestly loathe you!

Kristen Wiig: Ohhh, Amy! [ she punches Amy across the face ] I loathe you, too!

[ they hug one another at a distance, how sweet ]

Together:
“Though I do admit it came on fast
Still I do believe that it can last
And I will be loathing
For forever
Loathing
Truly deeply
Loathing you…
My whole life lo-o-o-o-o-ong!”

[ Amy pushes Kristen out frame ]

Amy Adams: We’ve got a —

[ Kristen runs back into frame ]

Together: GREAT SHOW!!!

Amy Adams: Vampire Weekend is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts