Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

TV Funhouse

Jingle:
“Ben loves Jen, he wants us all to knoew
So he bought lots of items that glitter and glow.
Doesn’t hurt to impress a girl
Cokie, the Most Expensive Dog in the World!”

[ show title card ]

[ dissolve to Ben and Jennifer sitting on the couch, as Ben gives Jennifer a rare gem ]

Jennifer Lopez: Oh, my God! It’s beautiful!

Ben Affleck: It’s not just any 84-karat emerald – Queen Elizxabeth swallowed it, and it passed through her body.

Jennifer Lopez: [ excited ] Oh, my God! She does that?

Ben Affleck: I had her do it for you. I love you-

Jennifer Lopez: [ opens her next present ] And what’s this?

Ben Affleck: It’s a meteorite from Mars. They were gonna study it, but I paid them to carve it to look like your mother.

Jennifer Lopez: Ohhhh, that’s so sweet!

Ben Affleck: One more. [ indicates a moving package ]

Jennifer Lopez: It’s all alive and split..

Ben Affleck: Save the wrapping – it’s Venison Carpaccio.

Jennifer Lopez: [ opens the gift, a grotesque-looking dog with the head of Robert Duvall ] Oh, my Gooood! I love you so- Oh! Snap!

Ben Affleck: It’s the msot expensive dog in the world!

Jennifer Lopez: What’s with his head?

Ben Affleck: It’s a Demmoguette. It’s an incredibly rare breed – their heads look like Robert Duvall.

Jennifer Lopez: That’s it?

Ben Affleck: [ petrified with fear ] Jen? Honey? You don’t like it?

Jennifer Lopez: I do! It’s just kinda weird and Duvallian and split!

Ben Affleck: But.. it.. cost so much..

Jennifer Lopez: I know! I love you for that! But, baby.. how can we be married and buy things, if we can’t be honest about the things we buy?

Ben Affleck: [ feeling dejected ] Yeah..

Jennifer Lopez: I mean, it’s weird.. it’s not a dog, you know? Maybe if it said something – like “I like napalm” and split!

Ben Affleck: [ perking up ] Yea-ah..!

Jennifer Lopez: It’s okay, baby..

Ben Affleck: No! I love you. And I’m gonna make this right!

[ cut to Ben and Jennifer meeting privately with a professional dog trainer ]

Dog Trainer: Yes, well, there are no bad dogs.. only bad people–

Ben Affleck: Yeah, right. Here’s what I want you to do..

Dog Trainer: First, we must undo all-

Ben Affleck: No, no, no, no! I just want you to get him to talk like Robert Duvall!

Dog Trainer: Well, he’s a Demoguette.. he’s got a resemblance to him-

Ben Affleck: No! Talk! He has to say “I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!”

Dog Trainer: Well, I’m afraid that’s impossible.

Ben Affleck: Wait! You’re the world’s best trainer! I’m paying you, what – $1,000 a minute! You can’t do this?!

Jennifer Lopez: Ben, it’s no big deal..

Ben Affleck: YES, it IS!!

Dog Trainer: But only humans have vocal-

Ben Affleck: Look! The Napalm line, or Sonny from “The Godfather”, or- No! Screw it! The Napalm line! [ storms out angrily, slamming the door shut behind him ]

[ the months and years pass by as the Dog Trainer attempts to teach Cokie to talk like Robert Duvall, studying the scene from “Apocalypse Now” with varied results. Fast-forward to 2012: an aging Ben and Jennifer walk into a plastic surgery clinic, and come out looking like 2003; they return to the Dog Trainer who finally has results on the project. ]

Dog Trainer: I think you’ll be pleased.

Ben Affleck: [ excited ] Wow!

Cokie: I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!

Dog Trainer: You see? I shaped his box, symbol by symbol–

Jennifer Lopez: That’s not Duvall, though.

Ben Affleck: Yeah! It sounds like James Woods!

Cokie: I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!

Ben Affleck: That’s James WOODS!! What’s wrong with you?!

Dog Trainer: Well, the animal’s voice has a certain timber-

Ben Affleck: [ outraged ] Get OUT of here!! I did three “Daredevil” sequels to pay for a JAMES WOODS?!!

Jennifer Lopez: A Duvall face talkin’ all like James Woods and split? That’s weird!

Ben Affleck: You don’t deserve this, Jen.. you are my treasure!

[ dissolve to Ben in a private meeting with Robert Duvall ]

Robert Duvall: You wanna buy me?

Ben Affleck: $40 million.

Robert Duvall: To own me? And I have to wear this dog costume?

Ben Affleck: Not the head, just the body. And you just have to say “I love Napalm” all the time, and live with J-Lo.

Robert Duvall: I have a life, man.

Ben Affleck: Look.. I have so much respect for your work. But you can’t make this kind of money acting. This is $40 million. And you just have to be J-Lo’s dog.

Robert Duvall: [ thinking it over ] Can I sniff her ass?

[ without hesitation, Ben pounces Duvall and begins to beat crap out of him ]

Ben Affleck: You son of a BITCH!! That is SICK!! You are a SICK OLD (bleep)-

Jennifer Lopez: Ben! It’s okay!

Ben Affleck: NO!! Not for my JEN!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “Cokie, the Most Expensive Dog in the World!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

The Falconer

The Falconer…..Will Forte
Black Bear…..Dan Aykroyd
Parker…..John Goodman
Former Claw…..Horatio Sanz
Girlfriend…..Maya Rudolph

Announcer V/O: In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”

[ open on The Falconer waist-deep in quickstand, with Donald perched on his still above-sand arm ]

Oh, Donald! At present time, I find myself waist-deep in quicksand! At my current rate of descent, I’ll be completely submerged by this time tomorrow! That’s the irony of quicksand – it’s anything but quick. Now, please! Find someone – anyone! – who can pull me from what will soon be my wet, sandy coffin! A man with a tractor! Or a team of oxes! [ Donald squawks ] Fine! Oxen! You know what I meant! Now, go!! [ Donald flies off ] The Grim Reaper knocks upon the door!!! DO NOT LET ME DIIIIIIEE!!

[ Donald flies off for another adventure, where he encounters three bikers ]

Parker: Hey, Black Bear! Look at this crazy hawk over here!

Black Bear: [ laughing ] That’s not some hawk, Parker! That’s a white-tailed peregrine falcon! Indigenous to the water regions of North America! Ha ha! [ to Donald ] Hey, pal! You wanna ride with us, or what?

Parker: I don’t think he’s got what it takes to ride with the Blacktop Vampires!

[ Donald squawks ]

Black Bear: Ha ha ha! I like this bird! He’s got pterodactyl nuts! Let’s make him a prospect! I’m gonna call you “The Claw”!

Former Claw: Hey, man.. I’m The Claw!

Black Bear: Not any more! Hey, Falcon! Claw! Come back to the Vampire’s Nest with us! Okay?

[ dissolve back to The Falconer, now sinking deeper into the quicksand ]

[ dissolve back to the Falconer sinking deeper into to quicksand ]

The Falconer: Ohhhh, Donald.. my time is running out! Ohhh, how I rue the day I took down the “Beware of Quicksand” sign! In any event, I’m positive, right now, you are doing everything in your power to save me!

[ cut to Donald at the Vampire’s Nest, surrounded by a pair of hot gals ]

[ at back table, Black Bear and his boys watch Donald with pleasure ]

Black Bear: This Donald guy – the new prospect? He’s a good prospect! I really like him, Parker! Looks like you were wrong about The Claw!

Parker: Yeah.. but it looks like The Claw is making out with your old lady right now!

[ show Black Bear’s girlfriend tonguing with the Falcon ]

Black Bear: [ steps forward, laughing ] Hey, hey, Claw! That’s my old lady! Ha! I-I-I-I got a thing with her. When I’m done with her, you can have her, okay? But, uh.. until then.. claws off! Comprende? [ laughs ]

[ Donald raises his middle finger to Black Bear ]

Parker: [ horrified at Donald’s temerity ] Claw just flipped my man the bird!

Black Bear: [ angered beyond his capacity ] It’s onnnnn!! Hold him up!! Hold him up!!

[ the other bikers rally together to hold Donald still, as Black Bear punches him repeatedly ]

[ Donald squawk, breaking free from the bikers’ grips; Donald’s series of attacks include smashing beer bottles over the heads of bikers, cracking their skulls with a pool cue, slicing Parker with a switchblade as his blood splatters the walls from below screen, and finally swopping down on Black Bear and ripping out his still-beating heart with his claw ]

Black Bear: [ with his last breath ] The.. proph-e-cy.. has come.. true.. [ keels over ]

[ cut to Girlfriend driving the motorcylce, with Donald perched on the handlebars ]

Girlfriend: You’re my man now, Claw.

[ dissolve back again to the Falconer with only his head remaining above the quicksand ]

The Falcon: What I wouldn’t give to be two inches taller! [ rev of motorcycle motor is heard, as Donald returns carrying a snorkel ] Oh, Donald! You’ve returned! And you’ve brought with you a snorkel! Oh, the perfect means to survive.. while you find another way to save me! And until you do, you will be The Falcon! [ puts on the snorkel ] And I will remain..

Announcer: The Falconer!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder

Dan Aykroyd…..Sam Elliott
Tom Davis…..Announcer

INT. BARN — DAY

[ Bales of hay adorn the foreground. Actor SAM ELLIOTT, dressed in denim & a black tee, ENTERS. ]

Sam Elliott: Hi! I’m actor Sam Elliott! You’ve seen me on television and in the movies, but most likely, you recognize my voice from numerous commercial advertisements. Ad surveys have shown that when consumers hear my voice — in association with a service or product — they’ll buy most anything. Heck, I could probably get you dive headfirst into a mail sack full of needles! Or suck iron filings off the floor of a machine shop, and wash them down with a quart of used motor oil. Or chew the lining off the bottom of a parrot cage.

Sometimes when I believe strongly in a product, I’ll actually go on-camera to tell you about it. That’s why I’m here — now — to talk about Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder.

[ Sam holds up a bottle of Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder. ]

Sam Elliott: As a rancher, I know how hot and humid weather can make riding, cutting weeds, and other chores prickly and uncomfortable in those hard-to-scratch seams and creases. Well, since 1879, Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder has eased the posterior crevice itch associated with farm labor, and brought lasting relief to millions of men living the Western lifestyle. It’s simple to apply.

[ Sam turns to his side and opens the bottle. He then bends over slightly and dumps a ton of powder down his backside. ]

Sam Elliott: Mm mm! Oh-hh-hh!!! That feels good!

[ Sam settles the bottle down. ]

Sam Elliott: And cool!!! That’s ‘cause it’s medicated — takes care of the chaffing and dries up things right away. It forms an easy-to-remove scented paste coil.

[ Sam pulls out a foot-long, braided white coil, which derived from the powder. He sniffs it, tosses it, then holds up the bottle. ]

Sam Elliott: Try Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder now, and get a free box of Dr. Deacon’s Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads.

[ Sam holds up a box of Dr. Deacon’s Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads. He removes out a teabag-sized absorber pad. ]

Sam Elliott: They’re in a handy travel pack and reusable!

[ Sam puts the absorber pad in his left breast pocket. ]

Sam Elliott: Ah! Now I’m itch-free! Time to go back to work…

[ Sam winks at the camera and grabs a pitchfork. ]

[ TITLE CARD ]

Announcer: Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder & Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads: Available now everywhere.

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

La Cuisina Canina

Maitre’D…..Dan Aykroyd
Skippy…..Jeff Richards
Daisy…..Rachel Dratch
Bartender…..Chris Kattan
Waiter…..Chris Parnell
King…..Darrell Hammond
King’s Date…..Maya Rudolph
Yorkie…..Amy Poehler
Buddy…..Dean Edwards
Big Dog…..John Goodman
Male Dog…..Seth Meyers
Bitch…..Tina Fey

[ open on exterior, La Cusina Canina ]

[ dissolve to interior, elegant restaurant decorated with the canine taste in mind; the patrons and staff are dressed as dogs ]

Maitre’D: Good evening. Welcome to La Cusina Canina, New York’s premier doggie restaurant. Do you have a reservation?

Skippy: Uh, yes.. Daisy & Skippy, for eight o’clock.

Maitre’D: Ah, yes! I’m afraid that your table will not be ready for a few minutes. Would you care to sit at the bar?

Daisy: Hmm.. alright, I guess we’re a little early!

Maitre’D: Fluffy! A complimentary water!

Bartender: Right away, Monsieur Butch!

Daisy: [ spins three times before taking her seat at the bar ] This is a nice place!

Skippy: Yeah!

Bartender: [ places glass on the bar ] There you are. One ice-cold toilet bowl water.

[ the three of them begin to lap up the toilet bowl water from the glass ]

[ cut to table at the other end of the restaurant ]

Waiter: Good evening. I’m your waiter – Tippy. Are you ready to order?

King: I am. But the bitches don’t know what they want.

King’s Date: Well, it’s just that everything looks so good! You go ahead and order first, King!

King: Alright. How is this appetizer? This, uh.. this Lawn Grass with Deer Pellets?

Maitre’D: Oh! I recomend it! The pellets are fresh and chewy! And Chef Otis personally urinates on all of the grass he serves!

King: Okay, that’s great. Okay, I’m gonna start with that, and then I’m gonna have the Tire-Stripped Possum with Blowflies.

Waiter: Excellent choice. And, Madam?

King’s Date: Yeah, gee.. uh.. uh.. I’m trying to lose some weight.. so, I-I’ll just have two cups of Science Diet..

King: Oh, come on, honey! It’s the best restaurant in the city. You oughtta try something.

King’s Date: Honey, I’m saving room for the coffee grinds with shrimp and eggshells for dessert.

Waiter: And, Miss Yorkie?

Yorkie: What’s in the Cat Vomit?

Waiter: Ohh.. it’s a partially-digested vole with dustmite-laden hairball – it’s very popular.

Maitre’D: And a Fancy Feast Tuna-Base, in its own aspic glaze.

Yorkie: Mmmm..! I’ll have that!

Maitre’D: And what can I get for you, Monsieur Buddy?

Buddy: Yes, uh.. how’s the Rotting Fish?

Waiter: Hmm.. here – smell. [ extends his arms ] I rolled in it this morning.

[ everyone at the table sniffs the Waiter ferociously ]

Buddy: [ excited ] Yes, yes! That’s the real thing, all right! Bring me of two of those!

Waiter: Very good. [ retreats from table ]

[ at the front of the restaurant, the popular Big Dog enters ]

Maitre’D: Ah. Bonsoir, Big Dog! Always a pleasure to see you! Your regular table is waiting!

Big Dog: Goooooood! Good! [ sits at his table ]

Maitre’D: And what will be your pleasure tonight?

Big Dog: Buuuuuutch! I think I’ll start off with an aperitif!

Maitre’D: Pepe! Big Dog will have his usual!

Big Dog: Any specials you want to tell me about?

Maitre’D: Oh! Yes. We have a sumptious Melon-Rind Compost.. with Cockworm-Flaked Bacon Grease.. served on an Old Sneaker and a half-side of Tennis Ball. I had it myself, I’m sure you will enjoy it.

Big Dog: Okay, Butch! On your advise!

Maitre’D: And to start! A basket.. of.. waterlogged sticks from a creek upstate!

Big Dog: [ sniffing his plate ] Thank you!

[ a male-female dog couple enters, and Big Dog is attracted to the scent of the bitch ]

Big Dog: Ahhhh.. [ raises his leg and begins to hump the bitch’s backside ]

Male Dog: Excuse me! But the lady came with me!

[ the two dogs began to growl and bark at one another, starting an upset throughout the restaurant as the dogs join the chorus; Big Dog quickly retreats back to his table, and the barking ceases ]

Bartender: And your Bitch’s Piss Martini.

Big Dog: Thank you. May I have an olive with that?

[ Bartender tosses the olvie directly into Big Dog’s mouth ]

Maitre’D: En-joyyyy. [ as the other patrons’ bowls of food are distributed ] Bon appetit, everyone!

[ to pass the time while still waiting for their table, Skippy and Daisy proceed to chase each other in a circle, sniffing at each other’s butt ]

Maitre’D: I’m sorry! Excuse me, please! But because of the new butt-sniffing ban, I’ll have to ask you to do that outside!

Skippy: You can’t sniff a butt in a bar any more?! God, this is absurd!

Daisy: Ridiciulous!

[ they exit outside, as the scene closes ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 20


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 17th, 2003

Dan Aykroyd

Beyonce

None

Jim Belushi

Kip King

John Goodman

Jay-Z
HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) mocks potential Democratic nominees.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Andrew Card, Al Sharpton.

Transcript

Montage

Dan Aykroyd’s MonologueSummary: Dan Aykroyd and Jim Belushi perform their rendition of “Time Won’t Let Me.”

Transcript

Top O’ The Morning To YouSummary: William Fitzpatrick’s (Seth Meyers) dad, Patrick Fitzpatrick (Dan Aykroyd), lets his other 22 kids run amok on the set.

Recurring Characters: Patrick Fitzwilliams, William Fitzpatrick.

Transcript

Rialto GrandeSummary: Buddy Mills (Chris Kattan) shows off his son, Jerome (Kip King), and reunites with comedian Donnie “The Finger” Gabisky (Dan Aykroyd).

Recurring Characters: Rodney “The Zipper” Calzoun, Buddy Mills, Mackey, cocktail waitresses.

The FalconerSummary: Donald hangs out with a gang of bikers while Falconer Ken Mortimer (Will Forte) sinks in quicksand.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: In a Robert Smigel cartoon, Ben Affleck buys “Cokee, the Most Expensive Dog in the World” as a present for J-Lo.

Transcript

Donatella Versace Backyard BarbequeSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) welcomes guests to her backyard barbecue.

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Anna Nicole Smith, David Letterman.

Beyonce & Jay-Z performs “Crazy In Love”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Drunk Girl (Jeff Richards) gets a tan while laying across the Weekend Update desk. Chris Kattan performs a terrible re-eneactment of his recurring characters.

Recurring Characters: Drunk Girl.

Transcript

Astronaut JonesSummary: Astronaut Jones (Tracy Morgan) and his Chief Science Officer (Dan Aykroyd) encounter a sexy alien (Maya Rudolph) on Venus.

Recurring Characters: Astronaut Jones.

Transcript

La Cuisina CaninaSummary: Dogs enjoy the ambience of a stylish restaurant.

Transcript

Beyonce performs “Dangerously In Love”

Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack PowderSummary: The trusted voice of Sam Elliot (Dan Aykroyd) makes even butt powder desirable.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

106 & Park Top 10 LiveSummary: Tiny rapper Baby K (Jeff Richards) tells A.J. (Dean Edwards) his upcoming duet with Christina Aguilera (Maya Rudolph).

Recurring Characters: A.J., Baby K, Christina Aguilera.

The Leather ManRecurring Characters: The Leather Man, Choo Choo.

Fred Garvin Male Prostitute

My Big Thick Novel

Summer’s Greetings From Saturday Night LiveSummary: One final version of the happy Christmas ditty performed by Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19


]]>

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Q*terplx…..Rachel Dratch
Elton John…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

U.S. military personnel have located some 40,000 manuscripts missing from the Iraqi National Museum. Or, as President Bush likes to call them, “manuscripts of mass destruction.”

Chinese peasants, who lack the medical knowledge and funds to fight SARS are lighting firecrackers to scare off the god of plague. Unfortunately, the firecrackers have only succeeded in scaring off the god of fingers.

Jimmy Fallon: On Monday, U.S. forces in Baghdad captured the Iraqi biological weapons scientist known as Mrs. Anthrax, though she prefers to go by her maiden name, Janet Death-Spore.

Gary Hart announced this week that he would not run for president in 2004, saying, “I have concluded that I do not have sufficient enthusiasms for the mechanical side of campaigning.” After listening to the announcement, the mailman nodded awkwardly and slowly backed away.

Tina Fey: Police in Verona, Italy, have arrested a priest who regularly visited a brothel and hired hookers to dress up like nuns. A spokesman for the Vatican described the priest’s behavior as progress.

Jimmy Fallon: New laboratory findings suggest that the SARS virus can survive for four days in watery diarrhea. So be careful of the watery diarrhea you have lying around. It could give you SARS.

Tina Fey: The movie X-Men 2 opened last week, introducing a host of new characters. Not everyone’s happy, though, as some X-Men were left on the cutting room floor. Here with a comment is one mutant who didn’t make the final cut, Q*terplx.

[Q*terplx enters, looking suspiciously like “Baby Eve.”]

Tina Fey: So, Q*terplx, how do you feel about not being included in the new X-Men movie?

[Q*terplx spits all over.]

Tina Fey: Okay. Q*terplx, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: In London this summer, Microsoft will introduce the iloo, the world’s first public toilet with internet access. So go inside, log in, and log out.

According to a poll in Entertainment Weekly, the best video game of all time is “The Legend of Zelda,” followed by “Tetris” and “Grand Theft Auto.” The worst video game of all time? “Super Menendez Bros.”

Tina Fey: Avid fans of the X-Men movie have already found more than 42 flaws in the new film. And yet, they can’t see the flaws in their own lives.

Jimmy Fallon: More than 100 men and women gathered in San Francisco this past weekend to participate in the city’s 2nd annual public Masturbate-A-Thon. Even though a lot of people showed up, I heard it was wack.

The old man on the mountain, a 40-foot tall granite rock formation in New Hampshire which resembles a human face collapsed over the weekend. So watch out Joan Rivers and Mary Tyler Moore, these things tend to happen in three’s.

Tina Fey: Police and school officials in Northbrook, Illinois, are investigating a girl’s touch football game called, “The Powderpuff Game,” in which senior girls slapped, punched, and splattered the junior girls in the face with mud and feces. What happened to the good old days, when girls would just spread rumors that you were a lezzy?

It was reported that while in Louisville during the Kentucky Derby last weekend, Carson Daly spent nearly $1,000 on lap dances at a local strip club, which isn’t really that much money, when you consider how expensive Chippendale’s is. Hit the elevators, Carson.

Jimmy: [ad-libbing] Are we still doing this?

Elton John announced this week that he would be bringing a musical production of the Anne Rice’s “Vampire Lestat” to Broadway this year. Here with an exclusive sneak preview of the work in progress, Elton John.

Elton John: Hello, Jimmy. You look good enough to eat.

Jimmy Fallon: Keep it cool, buddy. You got some songs you want to preview for us?

Elton John: Yes I do, Jimmy. This first one is a portion of the opening number entitled “Dawn’s Lament.” You can hear the pain and eroticism of vampires’ existence.

Don’t let the sun come up on me
‘Cause I’m a Dracula
My reflection I can’t see
I’m just a dude who likes sucking blood
So let me be, ohhhhhhhh
‘Cause I look like an open-face tuna melt if you let the sun come up on me!

Jimmy Fallon: All right, that was a little clunky at the ending. Also, that song’s just like “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.”

Elton John: What do you want to do to me?

Jimmy Fallon: Stop it, dude.

Elton John: Fine, Jimmy. Wink. The next number comes late in the second act. It’s called “Night Song, A Conversation.”

Hey Frankenstein, how’s it been going?
Heard you and your lady kinda went Splitsville
Sorry guy, relationships are pretty hard
Especially when you’re made out of fourteen other dudes!
Come on man, let’s have some brews
Catch up on the good old times!
F-f-f-f-f-f-f-Frankie and Lestat!

Jimmy Fallon: Frankie and Lestat?

Elton John: Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon: So the Frankenstein monster’s in your musical?

Elton John: Of course, Jimmy. And Mummy, Wolfman, Chewbacca, Oscar the Grouch. It’s a musical about monsters, Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon: Wolfman’s in there, too?

Elton John: Yes, Wolfman’s in there.

Jimmy Fallon: You haven’t read the book, have you?

Elton John: Jimmy, it may surprise you to hear that I have not.

[start laughing]

Elton John: All righty! This is part of the final number – [He begins to wave his hands around the piano as he’s talking.]

Jimmy Fallon: You’re not playing right now. You’re not playing the piano.

Elton John: I put it on pause while I speak, pause. Okay, on again, okay! All right, this is part of the final number. I’m curtly calling it “Midnight Fantasia.”

Jimmy Fallon: I can’t imagine that this won’t be good.

Elton John: [To the tune of “Tiny Dancer”]
Here comes Dracula
Suck your blood out
There’s nowhere you can run
Even if you could now
It wouldn’t matter
‘Cause he can turn into a bat
Crazy Dracula
He loves his buddies
Wolfman and Zombie
Run like hell, you stupid bastards?
Run into a shed and lock it
Wolfman’s gonna kick the door in
Zombie’s gonna eat your brains!

Jimmy Fallon: This sucks hard.

Elton John: I’ll tell you who sucks hard.

Jimmy Fallon: Get out of here!

Elton John: It’s Dracula, Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: Get out of here!

Elton John: Dracula sucks hard!

Jimmy Fallon: Get out of here! Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, good night!

Submitted by: Leadcrow90

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19

02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

Velvet Productions

Hector…..Adrien Brody
Toby…..Chris Parnell
Business Executive…..Amy Poehler
Norman…..Will Forte

[ open on interior meeting room, Velvet Productions ]

Hector: Alright, guys.. we’ve got a lot of work to do. There’s a bunch of hot, new guy-on-guy productions that just wrapped. It’s time to get ’em out for the new, traditional Father’s Day gay porn sales. We need to come up with titles for all of them today!

Toby: [ sighs ] That’s right folks, we better buckle down. These hardcore homosexual flicks ain’t gonna name themselves.

Business Executive: [ confused and uneasy about where she’s at ] I’m sorry.. I think I-I’m in the wrong meeting.. Is there also an architectural firm on this floor?

Hector: [ points out to hall ] Past Reception, down the right.

Business Executive: Okay, right, thanks, sorry.. [ scrambles to get out of the room as quickly as possible ]

Hector: Okay, now.. all the latest stuff that we shot are porn versions of recent popular movies. For instance, um.. we have a movie here, um.. based on “The X-Men”. Any, uh.. title suggestions?

Toby & Norman: [ in unison ] “The.. Sex-Men”!

Hector: Nice. That’s nice. I hope they’re all that easy. Any ideas for “Lord of the Rings”?

Norman: [ thinking ] Maybe, uh.. “Lord of the Rims“?

Hector: [ considering ] Well.. with the right cover photo, it could work.. yes. Moving on.. uh.. hmm.. “Sweet Home Alabama”?

Toby: Hmm.. “Sweet Home Alan’s Butthole“.

Hector: That was excellent, Toby! That was just excellent work! We’ll have to add a character named Alan, but it’s worth it!

Toby: Thank you, Hector.

Hector: how ’bout “Bend It Like Beckham”?

Norman: “Bend Over Like Beckham”!

Hector: That’s dynamite! “Gladiator”?

Toby: “Glad.. He.. Ate.. Him“.

Hector: We are just cooking with gas here, guys! Now.. the next one is.. “The Pianist”.

Hector: [ finally, a tough one. Toby and Norman struggle for ideas. ]

Toby: Huh..? “The Pianist“..

Norman: “The Pianist“..?

Hector: [ confidently ] “The Pianist“.

Toby: And this is a gay flick, too?

Hector: The gayest.

Norman: Gay porno based on “The Pianist“.. What to call it..?

Toby: “The Pianist“.. “The Pianist“.. Pianist.. Pianist.. Pianist..

Norman: Boy, this is a huge pickle..

Hector: Yes, that was a good movie.. but we really have to focus on “The Pianist”..

Norman: Well, uh.. what happens in it, plot-wise? Maybe that would help.

Hector: [ flipping through note cards ] Let’s see, uh.. ah! “A musician endowed with extraordinary sexual power is the center of a gay orgy in war-torn Europe.”

Toby: It sounds like a hot film.

Hector: It is.. real hot.

Norman: [ growing angry with himself ] Look, that doesn’t much matter if there’s no title, now does it?!

Hector: Norman, relax, alright.. we’re gonna get it.. we’re gonna get it, okay? I mean, remember how hard it was naming the porn version of “The Horse Whisperer”? Or.. “Monster’s Ball”? But we did it, we came up with “Monster’s Balls“. And we’re gonna get this one, too!

Norman: I know we will.. I know..

Hector: Look.. let’s just take a step back a minute, okay? Think of things.. that make you think about gay porn. You know? I mean, make a list, okay? [ flips over blackboard and erases some prior scribblings ] I’ll start, okay? See if this triggers anything. [ writes “Asses” on the board ] Asses. Ass. What else?

Toby: Moustache!

Norman: Beards!

Toby: Sideburns!

Norman: Handlebar moustaches!

Hector: I-I’ll just put “Hair”. [ writes it down ] Okay. My turn. [ thinking ] Gay porn.. naked dudes.. “Pianist”.. This is really getting us nowhere.. let’s just, uh.. let’s just try to get off- I mean, let’s get off piano. Wha-what’s like a piano?

Toby: Um.. annn.. organ..?

Hector: Organ? That’s no help, man. Dammit, this is so hard!

Norman: [ struggling ] “The.. Pi-an-ass?”

Toby: “Theeee.. Sex-Having Guy“..

Hector: You know.. why don’t we just stick a pin in this one for a while, and come back to it later?

Toby: Yeah, that’s a really good idea. What’s the next title we have to do?

Hector: Okay, the next one is.. a movie.. called “Holes”!

[ more confusion now present ]

Toby: Boy, this is gonna be a long night..

Hector: Well, then put the coffee on, Toby, because we’re not gonna be the ones who ruin Father’s Day!

Toby: [ sighs ] Okay..

[ dissolve to Father’s Day promo card ]

Announcer: Don’t forget “Father’s Day”, June 15th! Brought to you by the Gay Porn Industry!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19

02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

Adrien Brody’s Monologue

…..Adrien Brody
…..Sylvia Plachy

Adrien Brody: Hey, how are you doing tonight? [ begins to kiss various women in the audience ]

Thank you! Thank you very much, thank you! I’m so excited to be here tonight. [ crazed woman in the audience yells “You’re HOT!!” ] Ah, you’re hot! It’s an honor to be on “Saturday Night Live”.. [ another crazed audience members howls at the mere mention of the program’s title ] It’s great to be back in New York, where I’m from.. and my home. [ audience applauds ] I’ve got my wonderful parents here..

[ camera cuts to Brody’s parents – Elliot Brody and Sylvia Plachy – in the audience, as the audience applauds ]

Now by the time the show is over, it’s gonna be Mother’s Day.. so, Mom, I’m really happy you’re with me tonight. I love you. [ audience awwws ] Ladies and gentlemen, she was my date to the Academy Awards.. she was there at the Golden Globes.. she was at the premiere of “The Pianist”.. she’s here tonight to cheer me on.

Sylvia Plachy: My pleasure.

Adrien Brody: [ laughs ] And I’m so happy you’re with me, Mom.

Sylvia Plachy: I’m very glad to be here with you. But, you know, Adrien.. you’ll have to learn to go to these things on your own. Really.

Adrien Brody: [ embarrassed ] Mom..

Sylvia Plachy: You’re 30! You’re 30 years old! You can’t go everywhere with your mother.

Adrien Brody: Alright, Mom.. thanks.. You know, there was something that I just wanted to say to you at The Oscars, but I didn’t get a chance to, and, uh.. cause I didn’t have the time, and since it’s Mother’s Day, I would just like to say that-

[ the SNL Band interrupts Brody’s speech to play him to commercial ]

[ waving the band off ] Alright, come on! Guys, guys.. please.. I only get one chance here.. Don’t you people have mothers? [ clears his throat ] You know, Mom, I love you. Happy Mother’s Day.

[ audience applauds ]

Alright. Thank you. We’ve got a great show tonight, everybody. We’ve got Sean Paul here.. We’ve got Wayne Wonder here.. Alright, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19

02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

Mom Jeans

Moms…..Rachel Dratch, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph
Dad…..Chris Parnell

[ open on a mom unloading the groceries from the back of the family van, as the kids run loose ]

Announcer: Are you looking for the perfect gift for Mom this Mother’s Day? Introducing Mom Jeans, exclusively at J.C. Penney.

Jingle: “Mom Jeans.. Mom Jeans..”

[ show four moms posing in the jeans ]

Announcer: Mom Jeans fit Mom just the way she likes it.

Jingle: “Mom Jeans.. Mom Jeans..”

[ show the extra-rounded shape of mom’s bottom in her new jeans ]

Announcer: She’ll love the 9-inch zipper and casual front pleats. Cut generously, to fit a mom’s body. She’ll want to wear them to everything, from a soccer game to a night on the town.

[ Dad frowns at the sight of Mom’s new jeans ]

Announcer: And with your choice of ankle length, Capri length or shorts, you’ll find the perfect jean for even the least active of moms.

Jingle: “Mom.. Mom Jeans..”

Announcer: So this Mother’s Day, don’t give Mom tht bottle of perfume. Give her something that says, “I’m not a woman any more. I’m a Mom.”

Jingle: “Giving up.. giving up.. put on your Mom Jeans.”

Announcer: Get a free Applique Mom Jeans Vest with every purchase. This weekend at J.C. Penney.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19

02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

Live With Regis & Kelly

Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Kelly Ripa…..Amy Poehler
Gelman…..Chris Kattan
Pete Sokolov…..Adrien Brody

Announcer: It’s “Live! With Regis & Kelly”! Today, we’ve got “Law & Order: SVU”‘s Mariska Hargitay, “All My Children”‘s Michael Ian Knight. Plus: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia winner Pete Sokolov. Now, here are Regis Philbin & Kelly Ripa!

[ dissolve to set, as Regis and Kelly enter and sit in their chairs ]

Regis Philbin: Good morning!

Kelly Ripa: Hello! Spring is here!

Regis Philbin: Good morning!

Kelly Ripa: Spring is here!

Regis Philbin: Good morning!

Kelly Ripa: Spring’s here!

Regis Philbin: Oh, boy! Welcome back! Kipa’s back!

Kelly Ripa: Hell-ooo!! [ audience applauds ] Thank you.. thank you.. thank you..!

Regis Philbin: Well, her maternity leave is over, and I understand you’ve got an important.. announcement to make – a new addition to her life?

Kelly Ripa: That’s right, Regis. I got.. BANGS!!

Regis Philbin: Thank God, I was afraid you were gonna say you got knocked-up again!!

Kelly Ripa: No more, Reege.. my husband says we are done. No more babies for at least six more months!

Regis Philbin: You heard it here first, folks.. no babies until October!

Kelly Ripa: No..

Regis Philbin: Alright. So, how are you this morning?

Kelly Ripa: You know, Regis, I am really tired, you know? What with the kids.. and the new baby.. and this show.. and the appearances on “Ed”.. and the shampoo commercials.. and my new sitcom.. and getting these bangs.. Whoo-oo, I’m tired!

Regis Philbin: Well, you look great. I mean, you never age.

Kelly Ripa: Awww!

Regis Philbin: You’re like Dorian Gray!

Kelly Ripa: Dorian Gray? Who is that, Reege?! I don’t know who that is!

Regis Philbin: Well, that’s fine.. How are you today, Gelman?

Gelman: [ daintily holding a parasol ] I’m great, Reege!

Regis Philbin: What’d you do this weekend, Gelman?

Gelman: Not much. We stayed in. My wife read her book, and, uh.. I goofed around on the internet.

Regis Philbin: You’re playing with fire, Gelman. [ Gelman stares back at Regis ] Now, I myself, had brunch at Tavern On The Green, with the Sedakas – Neil and Leila. Of course, you know Neil Sedaka?

Kelly Ripa: Yes, Neil Sedaka, the famous astronaut!

Regis Philbin: [ shaking his head ] Who’s our first guest today, Gelman?

Gelman: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia winner Pete Sokolov, Reege.

Regis Philbin: Oh, boy. This guy won one of our trips – a five-day hiking adventure in the Colorado Rockies. And he’s here to tell us all about it. Please welcome.. Pete Sokolov.

[ Pete Sokolov enters the set, with his left arm missing from under his jacket. He appears unhappy ]

Regis Philbin: Welcome, Pete!

Pete Sokolov: Thanks, Reege..

Regis Philbin: Soooo.. you went hiking in the Colorado Rockies. That must have been something else. It’s so picturesque.

Pete Sokolov: Well, yes.. it was very pretty out there at first..

Regis Philbin: Gorgeous!

Pete Sokolov: And then we got into a patch of bad weather, and had some unexpected snow..

Regis Philbin: Beautiful!

Pete Sokolov: And, uh.. well, we got trapped up there, and.. I don’t know if you read this in any of the papers.

Regis Philbin: I did not! Joy won’t let me read the papers because it makes my blood pressure go up.

Kelly Ripa: I get all my news from E! because I think newspapers are messy! And I don’t wanna get my HANDS DIRTY!! [ slaps and hugs on Regis ] Oh, regis! I’m so TIRED!!

Regis Philbin: I can tell!

Kelly Ripa: I could fall asleep on you RIGHT NOW!!

Regis Philbin: You sure?

Pete Sokolov: [ trying to continue with dignity ] Well.. it was in the papers, because, uh.. you know, I got pinned under a rock up there.. I had to cut my.. arm off with a credit card.

Regis Philbin: Why can’t I get one of those credit card commercials? Seinfeld’s got one.. Yao Ming’s got one, but I DON’T!! WHY?!

Kelly Ripa: Okay, anyway, anyway.. your arm is bloody.. go ahead.

Pete Sokolov: Yes. And, uh.. well, I made a homemade tourniquette, and I.. waited for help.. I had very little to eat.. the frostbite was unbearable.. and I began to pray for a pack of wolves, or a lightning bolt, or.. just. anything! Anything to end my misery and torment. I just closed my eyes.. and I made my peace with God..

Regis Philbin: Terr-if-ic! Gelman? Gelman? Would you do this Would you cut your arm off to escape being trapped?

Gelman: [ happily ] I haven’t yet, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Gelman, I’ve gotta ask you.. what’s with the parasol?

Gelman: I’m worried about SARS!

Kelly Ripa: Me, too! Me, too! I am against SARS! [ Regis is stunned by her outburst ] I HATE it!! Right, Reege?

Regis Philbin: Okay. That’s fair enough. [ turns to Pete ] Pete, I want to thank you for being here. Now, we can’t give you your arm back.. but we can give you these two wonderful tickets. Front row seats to see “Gypsy”, starring Bernadette Peters. Do you like musicals, Pete?

Pete Sokolov: Well, I-I love musicals! What, are you kidding me?! [ laughs happily ]

Regis Philbin: Yeah, well, it’s a wonderful show. Of course, I saw the original, starring Ethel Merman.

Kelly Ripa: Ethel Merman..?

[ this time, Regis joins Kelly for the dialogue he knows is coming ]

Together: Who IS that, Reege?! I don’t know who that IS!!

Regis Philbin: Well, when we come back.. [ Kelly wraps herself around Regis, groping accordingly ] You finished?

Kelly Ripa: NO!!

Regis Philbin: Mariska Hagababa is here-

Kelly Ripa: Hargitay!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts