Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 16

77p: Michael Palin / Eugene Record

Nerds Piano Lesson

Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner
Todd LaBounta…..Bill Murray
Ms. Loopner…..Jane Curtin
Mr. Brighton…..Michael Palin

[ open on Lisa and Todd entering the Loopner living room ]

Lisa Loopner: Thanks for walking me, home, Todd!

Todd LaBounta: Well, uh.. if I didn’t take you home, uh.. Robert Demintz would’ve. [ nerdy laugh ] He’s so stupid, he takes a ruler to bed with him to see how long he sleeps!

Lisa Loopner: [ groans ] Ohhh! That joke’s so old, the last time I heard it I fell off my dinosaur!

Todd LaBounta: Watch this! [ presses fingers into Lisa’s forehead ]

Lisa Loopner: Oh, stop it, Ted! [ giggling ]

[ Mrs. Loopner enters living room ]

Mrs. Loopner: Hi, Lisa! Hi, Todd!

Todd LaBounta: Good afternoon, Mrs. Loop-ner! What smells so good from the kitchen, Mrs. Loop-ner.

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, nothing special, Todd – just pot roast, mashed potatoes, and fresh spinach.

Todd LaBounta: Oh, you always serve a balanced meal, Mrs. Loop-ner.

Mrs. Loopner: Thank you, Todd. Would you like to stay for dinner?

Lisa Loopner: No, Mom! No!

Todd LaBounta: I would be honored to, Mrs. Loopner.. but I’d better call my mother, uh.. so she doesn’t worry about me.

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, that’s very thoughtful, Todd! You can use the phone in the kitchen.

Todd LaBounta: Thank you, Mrs. Loop-ner! [ retreats to the kitchen ]

Lisa Loopner: Mom! Why’d you ask Todd to stay for dinner? You know I’m gonna be having my piano lesson with Mr. Bright-on!

Mrs. Loopner: Well, I’m sure Todd can find something to keep himself occupied, dear.

Lisa Loopner: Yeah, but he’ll embarrass me in front of Mr. Bright-on! Todd’s a boy! Mr. Brighton’s a man!

Todd LaBounta: Uh.. I’m not a boy, Lisa. Uh.. if my skin cleared up, I’d be shaving right now.

Lisa Loopner: Well, when your skin clears up, they’ll be making snowballs in Hell!

Mrs. Loopner: [ stern ] Watch your language, young lady!

Todd LaBounta: Gosh.. if I say H-E-double-hockey-sticks at home, my mother would beat the C-R-A-you-know-what out of me!

Mrs. Loopner: That’s very nice, Todd. I’ll see you kids later. [ exits ]

Todd LaBounta: Lisa got in trouble! Lisa got in trouble! Noogie Patrol!! [ grabs Lisa and pounds her noggin with noogies ]

Lisa Loopner: [ breaks free ] Stop it, Todd! Cut it out!

Todd LaBounta: Come on, let’s play our song!

Lisa Loopner: No! Well.. okay.. just once. Come on. We’ll do a duet.

[ Lisa and Todd sit at the piano for a duet of “Heart & Soul” ]

Lisa Loopner: Todd, you came in too soon!

[ they start over ]

Lisa Loopner: No, you came in too soon again, Todd!

Todd LaBounta: [ sarcastically ] Oh, big deal.. we’ll start again, that’s all..

Lisa Loopner: Todd, do it right!

[ they start again, as the doorbell rings numerous times ]

Lisa Loopner: Mr. Bright-on should be here- [ finally hears the doorbell ] Oh! [ answers door to Mr. Brighton ]

Mr. Brighton: Hello. My, you’re looking pretty today, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. Bright-on!

Todd LaBounta: Pretty? Yeah, I think she looks pretty – bad! [ laughs ]

Lisa Loopner: Shut up, Pizza Face!

Mr. Brighton: Uh.. who’s your funny boyfriend, Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: Ohh.. this is Todd LaBounta – but he’s not my boyfriend! He’s a boy, and he’s a friend – but he’s certainly not my boyfriend!

Mr. Brighton: Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Todd. Do you take piano lessons?

Todd LaBounta: No. I play by ear! [ drops his head over the piano and bangs the keys with his ear ]

Lisa Loopner: [ annoyed ] Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh.

Mr. Brighton: Todd, do you think there’s someplace you can go so Lisa and I won’t be disturbed by your presence?

Todd LaBounta: Well, excu-u-u-u-use me! I’ll just sit right here, and you won’t hear a peep out of me. [ silent for a couple of seconds, then.. ] Pee-ee-eep!

Lisa Loopner: [ annoyed ] Oh, Todd..

Mr. Brighton: Your friend Todd is a bit of a nerd, isn’t he?

Lisa Loopner: Yes, he is.

Mr. Brighton: Oh.. well, let’s do the scales we practiced yesterday, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Alright. [ plays her scales ]

Mr. Brighton: That’s very good, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Thank you. [ plays scales again, hits a wrong note ]

Todd LaBounta: [ honks like a pig ]

Lisa Loopner: Oh, Todd, cut it out! Mother!!

Mrs. Loopner: [ slowly enters ] What is it, Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: Well, Todd is bothering us!

Mrs. Loopner: [ approaches Todd ] Todd? Why don’t you come out in the kitchen and help me set the table?

Todd LaBounta: Okay, Mrs. Loop-ner! [ exits living room ]

Mr. Brighton: Okay, let’s, uh.. play the scales – shall we – again, Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: Okie-dokie. [ plays the scales, but hits all the notes wrong ]

Mr. Brighton: Now.. Lisa, you see what you’re doing?

Lisa Loopner: What?

Mr. Brighton: You’re letting your hand drop. Let me just show you.. how I mean. [ grabs Lisa’s hands ] Lovely wrists, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. Bright-on!

Mr. Brighton: Now, then, uh.. bend your arm like this, and keep your fingers slightly arched. Now, Lisa.. breathe deeply.

Lisa Loopner: [ breaths deeply ]

Mr. Brighton: That’s it.

Lisa Loopner: [ deeper still ] Like this?

Mr. Brighton: Lovely, Lisa.. from the diaphragm, now.. from the diaphragm.

Lisa Loopner: Mr. Bright-on, I’m starting to feel dizzy..

Mr. Brighton: You know what that feeling is, Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: What?

Mr. Brighton: It’s love!

[ Mr. Brighton grabs Lisa and tries to kiss her very passionately, as she struggles to break free ]

Todd LaBounta: [ re-enters living room to great distress ] Say, what’s going on?! Oh, no.. another man. Well, I guess this is it. I have no need to go on living. I’ll just committ noggie suicide! [ begins to self-inflict himself with noogies ]

Mr. Brighton: There’s no need for that, young man – I simply got carried away.. It must have been the music..

Lisa Loopner: [ spitting Mr. Brighton’s germs out of her mouth ] You’re so obnoxious, Mr. Bright-on! You called Todd a nerd! But you’re a worse nerd!

Todd LaBounta: [ shaken ] He called me a.. nerd? I’m not a nerd, Mr. Brighton.. [ angry ] Mr. Brighton?

Mr. Brighton: Yes?

Todd LaBounta: Did you get the letter I sent you?

Mr. Brighton: No.

Todd LaBounta: Because I forgot to stamp it! [ stomps on Mr. Brighton’s foot, as Mr. Brighton scatters toward the front door ]

Lisa Loopner: Mr. Bright-on! Your fly’s open!

Mr. Brighton: [ fuming ] Yes.. I know! [ storms out ]

Lisa Loopner: [ looks at Todd ] Todd.. thank you for helping me.. You want to play our song again?

Todd LaBounta: Sure.

[ they sit at the piano ]

Lisa Loopner: You know something, Todd? He tried to kiss me, but I wouldn’t let him.

Todd LaBounta: I know, Lisa.. [ changes subject ] Did you ever have.. a lollipop kiss?

Lisa Loopner: No.. what’s that?

Todd LaBounta: Well, close your eyes and pucker up. [ Lisa closes her eyes and puckers up ] Suck-er!

[ pan into audience wide shot, zoom up to woman with SUPER: “Rehearsed Embarrasment” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 16

77p: Michael Palin / Eugene Record

Michael Palin’s Monologue

Sid Biggs … Michael Palin

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Palin!

[Palin, in character as Sid Biggs, wears a baggy graysuit.]

Sid Biggs: Uh, thank you. Quiet down, please. Uh…Evening. I just came to say that Mr. Palin will be outin a minute. Sorry about this. He’s on his way. He’sjust having a few last minute costume problems. Uh, hehas to wear a– uh, but, ah, he’s a nice boy, niceboy. Anyway, uh, he’ll be out soon. [awkward pause asSid checks his wristwatch and looks around] Nicestudio. Uh, my name’s, uh, Sid, by the way, Sid Biggs,Sid with an “I” — I’m Michael’s manager. I look afterthe boy, you know. Anyway, I – I thought I’d justcome out and, uh, keep you quiet for a bit, you know.I’ve told him it’s a live show, you know, and allthat, you know, and he will be out. I’m not having anyartist o’ mine appearing on nationally networktelevision in the U.S.A. for the first time withoutlookin’ absolutely right. [clears throat, coughs,pulls out handkerchief and wipes his nose] Uh, howlong is the show tonight? What? Ninety minutes?[checks watch] Yeah, well, he should be out by then.[another awkward pause] Bit of a blow, this. Huh!

Now, he’s a – he’s a nice boy, Michael. You know, notthe least bit sardonic. Kind to animals. Well, not allanimals. You know, I mean, if a crazed wolverine wereto leap at his throat and start nibblin’ on hisjugular, he wouldn’t be kind to that. I mean, ‘ewouldn’t pat it on the head and say: [high-pitchedvoice] “Halloooo, li’l wolverine! Who’s a nice littlewolverine, eh?” and start givin’ it milk, you know.But he’s on the whole kind. But he’s an artist, youknow, and, as such, given to moods. Mind you, Michaelis not my only client. [grandly] He’s only one of manyacts on the Sid Biggs list! I have available … a manwho swallows … live macaws! Vic Roberts. Wonderfulact. Disgusting to watch. I’ve got a great new act:Princess Margaret. That’s not his real name. Uh, hisreal name is Suggs, Ernest Suggs. He, uh, he eatssoil. Beautiful act. Trouble is, he won’t travel.Hates – hates planes. Has to go everywhere byhorseback.

Anyway, I mean, Michael, you know, as much as I lovehim — and I stood by him through all the difficultyears of dental surgery — Michael is of a new schoolof entertainer, you know. He’s had it too easy. Imean, in my day, we all had an act, you know. That wasthe war, of course. But we all had an act. Churchillhad his act. Anthony Eden had his act. There wasalways something happening we could do when the bombswere dropping. People — it was a lovely atmosphere –people’d go down in the underground stations and dotheir act. That’s how Janet Ballsworth met Pepe. Therest is history.

That’s how I worked out my act — which I had thegreat honor of showing to His Majesty King George VIin 1943. [looks around, checks his watch] Do you, uh,would you like to see the act? [cheers and applause]Might as well. [calls to the SNL band behind him] Hey,boys! Do you know “White Cliffs of Dover”? “WhiteCliffs of Dover” — great! Right. All I need now is aplate of, uh, seafood salad. Do we have any seafoodsalad? [points into the audience] We have some downhere, sir. Right. Could you pass it through, please?Lovely. [a plate of seafood salad is passed throughthe audience to Sid] Give ’em a hand. You’ll get itback at the end of the show. [applause] Right. And acouple of household cats. Two domestic cats. Do wehave any domestic cats? No, no. Two, two is all weneed. [zoom up to the balcony where numerous audiencemembers hold up cats] Yeah, just the first two thatcome to hand, just bring ’em down here. Nice littlesqueakers. Bring ’em down, lovely. Couple o’ littleones, very good. [two stagehands enter and stand oneither side of Sid holding cats]

Now! I haven’t done it for a while. Just hope I canremember it. Well, here goes. A-one, a-two, one, two,three, four! [the band launches into a lugubriousversion of the World War II-era hit “(There’ll BeBluebirds Over) The White Cliffs of Dover” and Sidtries to sing along as he dumps the entire plate ofseafood salad into the front of his baggy pants]”There’ll be …” [Sid hands the empty plate to one ofthe stagehands who hands it to someone off screen]”…the White…” — In with the buggies! In with thebuggies! — “… of Dover!” [the stagehand tries toforce the cat into Sid’s pants along with the seafoodsalad — it’s quite a struggle because the cat isfighting it every step of the way] Next one! Put itin! There we go! [the second cat is forced in withgreat effort and finally the stagehands depart to muchapplause as Sid performs a little dance whileclutching at the cats struggling to get out of hispants – one cat escapes and flees but the otherremains, its head sticking out above Sid’s belt] We’llbe right back!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 8th, 1978

Michael Palin

Eugene Record

None

None

Jim Downey

Akira Yoshimura

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Alan Zweibel
The OscarsRecurring Characters: Jimmy Carter, Yasser Arafat, Anwar Sadat.

Montage

Michael Palin’s MonologueAlso Hosted: 78j, 78r, 83j.

Cameos: 79n, 82e, 96j.

Transcript

Little Chocolate DonutsSummary: Henry Higgins (Christopher Lee) attempts to teach Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner) how to pronounce her R’s.

Note: Repeat from: 77f.

IRS Confession

H&L Brock

The Seagull

Eugene Record performs “Have You Seen Her?”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Tongsun Park impersonator (Akira Yoshimura). John Belushi comments on the demolition of Radio City Music Hall.

Nerds Piano LessonRecurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Mrs. Loopner, Mr. Brighton.

Transcript

The Forgotten Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes

Party Arguments

Eugene Record performs “Trying To Get To You”

The Mr. Bill ShowSummary: “Mr. Bill Pays His Taxes”

Danger ProbeRecurring Characters: Dave Mable.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 15

77o: Christopher Lee / Meat Loaf

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

…..Jane Curtin
…..Dan Aykroyd
Kevin Scott…..John Belushi
…..Bill Murray

Jane Curtin: [ image: dog ] David Brenner looks back. This story and more, on “Weekend Update”, coming up.

[ fade to black, open on wide view of news set ]

Announcer: And now “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Brought to you by Aqua Velveeta, the man’s after-cheese lotion. And now, here are anchorpersons Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin.

Dan Aykroyd: Good evening, I’m Da Aykroyd.

Jane Curtin: And I’m Jane Curtin, and I’m wearing a new suit.

our top story tonight: [ image: backside of man wearing only shorts ] Hamilton Jordan was back in the news this week, when he tried to leave a Washington restuarant without paying his check. The fun-loving White House aide explained he had forgotten his wallet.

In the Middle East, Israel has been under criticism for what some people consider an excessive show of force in Lebanon, in response to last week’s P.L.L. terrorist attack. [ image: Moshe Dayan with eyepatch ] Foreign Minister Moshe Dayan defended the invasion, citing the biblical shibboleth “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” has always been Israel’s policy. Well, last night a P.L.L. terrorist took him at his word, and snuck into Dayan’s bedroom and took one of the foreign minister’s bicuspids. [ image: same, but now with blackened front tooth ]

State Senator Lori Wilson of Cocoa Bech, Florida has introduced a bill outlawing pay toilets in public places. Miss wilson called them the “most basic form of economic discrimination”, which hits hardest at women and chldren As she puts it, “I have never heard of a pay urinal in this or any other state.” Our Update sources tell us that, while the installation of pay urinals doesn’t appear plausible, Miss Wilson will settle for a compromise, calling for trousers to be equipped with pay zippers.

Comedian Bill Cosby, opera star Beverly Sills, country singer Johnny Cash, and L.A. anchorperson Connie Chung got together this week and formed a new singing group. However, they can’t think of a name for the act. If you have a suggestion, send it to “Cosby, Sills, Nash, and Chung”, in care of “Weekend Update.”

Dan Aykroyd: Well, nostalgia stuill seems to be dominating the theater this season. The most popular new show on Broadway is a production called “BeatleManiaMania”, a recreation of the original rip-off of The Beatles experience. Saty its producers, “It’s not Beatlemania, but an incredible simulation.”

This week, a supertanker roke off of France’s Brittany coast, in what is noe the worst oil spill in history, polluting the coastline and killing marine life. Oil spills are an almost regular phenomenon on this planet, so, here with an in-depth analysis of the problem, is “Update”‘s own Kevin Scott.

[ pull out to reveal John Belushi playing with a toy supertanker ]

Dan Aykroyd: Kevin Scott. Kevin? [ Belushi continues playing ] Kevin? John!

Kevin Scott: [ looking up ] Yeah? [ it finally hits him ] Oh! Right, right. Thanks, Dan. You know, this week’s wreck illustrates problems with the new generation of giant tankers. First of all, they’re not easily maneuverable, uh, making it very difficult to steer, and a lot of them have problems with, uh, swaying back and forth. [ he leans the toy supertanker to one side, splashing oil onto Dan Aykroyd ] Oh, I’m sorry, Dan! I’m sorry. Swaying back and forth… Now, if you look at these tankers, you’ll see that — [ he rubs oil from his hands and wipes it on Dan’s shirt ] Sorry, Dan. You alright? Good man! Come on, come here! [ Dan backs away slowly ] Hey! [ he stretches his arm out and wipes oil on Dan’s shirt and laughs ] The situation’s aggravating because the ship lost power, you understand? Okay, uh — further, it has an enormous length — [ he swings the toy supertanker toward Dan, as Dan flinches ] Take a look at this! Enormous length, you know what I mean? Metal plates at the hull. You know, you don’t want to create more pressure, the ship flexes. The POUNDING sea, back and forth — [ he swings the supertanker back and forth toward Dan ] You know? So if you’re on one of these, Dan — [ he pounds the supertanker on the desk, breaking it ] It might break in half! [ he snaps the supertanker in half ] You never know? You know, it’s good to wear an old suit, because you could get, uh… you could get pretty messy, huh, Danny? [ he puts his oily hands on Dan’s face ]

Dan Aykroyd: Thank you. Thank you very much. Back to you, Jane.

Jane Curtin: Heavyweight champion Leon Spinks, this week, was arrested for driving the wrong way on a One Way street… and for driving without a license, sued for back rent by his Philadelphia landlord, and stripped of his title by the World Boxing Council. Reached for comment, Spinks said, “At least I still have my good looks!”

In a related story, Spinks said he would fight Norton sometime this summer. [ image: Ed Norton from “The Honeymooners” ]

Jane Curtin: The Writers Guild of America-East has called a strike against the popular children’s educational program “sesame Street”. Now, for our young viewers, Dan and I would like to explain what is meant by a “strike”. First: The complaint is called “Un…” [ SUPER: “UN” ]

Dan Aykroyd: “Fair.” [ SUPER: “FAIR” ]

[ the words come together ]

Together: “Unfair!”

Jane Curtin: And the demonstration following the complaint is called: “Pic…” [ SUPER: “PIC” ]

Dan Aykroyd: “Ket.” [ SUPER: “KET” ]

[ the words come together ]

Together: “Picket!”

Jane Curtin: And a person who crosses a picket line is called a: “Sc…” [ SUPER: “SC” ]

Dan Aykroyd: “Ab.” [ SUPER: “AB” ]

[ the words come together ]

Together: “Scab!”

Jane Curtin: Now, let’s review what we’ve just learned. “Picket.”

Dan Aykroyd: “Scab.”

Jane Curtin: Don’t. It might get infected. That’s the lesson for tonight, children — now go to bed!

And now, with this week’s movie news, here is the Party Animal himself — Bill Murray.

Bill Murray: Thank you, Jane. [ he holds up his Oscar board ] Well, the Oscars are coming up, April 3rd, and here are my predictions, everybody. For Best Actress — Shirley MacLaine and Anne Bancroft were both nominated for “The Turning Point”, and given the block voting that goes on at the Hollywood studios, their votes are probably gonna be split, and these two stars will have to go home crushed and defeated. [ he pulls their names off the board ] Ouch, huh? Jane Fonda. Well, Jane is gonna win next year, I think, for “Coming Home”, so chin up, little girl, save your money for next year’s dress, huh? But no bitterness, Jane, please? Thank you. [ he pulls her name off the board ] Marsha Mason? Marsha Mason is Neil Simon’s wife, and Neil wrote “Goodbye Girl” just to get her out of the house, I think, and I don’t think the Academy will bother to honor the Simons just so long as their marriage is working, and, let’s face it — theirs is one of the most successful marriages in Hollywood. [ he toasts his hand ] Hey — here’s to you two, and I mean it! [ he pulls her name off the board ] Diane Keaton? Well, everybody’s been loving you since “Godfather II”, honey, and now we’ve got a chance to show you how we feel. [ he slides her name to top of the board ] I think you’ve got in the bag, so remember to just be yourself and don’t let that pretty little head swell, okay? Alright!

Best Actor. John Travolta? Tv actor. Uh-uh. No way. No way. If he thinks he’s gonna hold that precious piece of gold over his head and wave to all of the people who helped — and there were so many people — he’s crazy. It’ll be over the dead, stiff, and lifeless bodies of the members of the Academy. Besides — John was scheduled to do our show, and backed out and cancelled at the last minute, so this little weasel can go to Brazil and make movies, for all I care. [ he tosses Travolta’s name from the board to huge applause ] Woody Allen? The Wood-man is so much more than an actor, it’s not even funny. That’s why I don’t think he’s gonna get this one. But the Academy must honor him in some way, and I think it’s gonna be the Irving Thalberg Award for meritory service to the industry, and he deserves it, too. [ he pulls his name from the board ] Uh — Richard Dreyfuss? Uh… he’s too young, that’s all. And he’s also careless with his personal appearance, and the Academy doesn’t like that, either. Not this year, Rick — sorry! [ he pulls his name from the board ] Nice work in “Close”, though. Mastrioni? He’s foreign. People don’t like foreignors. [ he pulls his name from the board ] Chevalier never won an Oscar, am I right? Okay. Richard Burton. I know what you’re thinking — a foreignor. Uh-uh. Fickle Academy, this year. I think they’ll give it to Dick… to makwe up for losing Liz Taylor. When he lost Liz… he lost everything.

Hey — Best Supporting Actress and Actor? Who cares, really? [ he shoves all the names off the board ]

Best Film? “Julia”? Well… didn’t see it. Sorry! [ he yanks it from the board ] “Turning Point”? I didn’t see it. [ he yanks it from the board ] “Star Wars”? I saw it on the small screen in Canada, so I really don’t know what it was like. [ he yanks it from the board ] “Annie Hall” — I did not see it. [ he yanks it from the board ] “The Goodbye Girl”? I saw it. So, on the basis of what I’ve seen, I would have to say “The Goodbye Girl” is gonna be this year’s winner. If you don’t like it, I’m sorry — that’s my opinion, now get out of here! Let me throw it back to a future Oscar winner, and a girl who’s at least a half a party animal herself — Jane Curtin. Get out of here, Jane, you’re terrific!

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Bill! And now it’s time for a new “Weekend Update” feature. Dan?

Dan Aykroyd: Yes. Tonight, we’ll treat the topic of whether a Point/Counterpoint segment has any point. Here’s Jane with the anti-point counterpoint, and I’ll be taking the pro-point counterpoint. Jane?

Jane Curtin: Dan, these Point/Counterpoints are getting a little absurd, and it’s all your fault! It seems no matter what I say, you’ll disagree with me! If I came out for the imprisonment of murderers, you’d say, “No, let ’em go!” You’re a pompous ass, Dan, obnoxious, arrogant, and snotty! I don’t like you, and I never will! So sit on this, Dan! [ she raises her phone receiver at him ] I hope I made my point.

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant SLUT! I don’t automatically disagree with you, it’s just that you laways take the ASININE side of ANY issue! AS for murderers, Jane — they shouldn’t be locked up; they should be KILLED! Anyone who says otherwise, simply has a geranium in the cranium! As for your assessment of me, Jane, I’m surprised! Pount/Counterpoint is supposed to be a forum for an exchange of ideas, not an exercise in character assassination! Who did you sleep with to get this job, anyway?!

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ Dan jumps up and grabs Jane’s phone ]

Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presentation of “Saturday Night News” — keeping America informed for over a fiftieth of a century.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 15

77o: Christopher Lee / Meat Loaf

Death to Watergate

Vampire Hunter…..Christopher Lee
Carl…..John Belushi
Maureen Dean…..Jane Curtin
Richard Nixon…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open outside foogy gate at night, as thunder crashes ]

Vampire Hunter: If she’s not here soon, I’m afraid it’ll be too late, Carl! The sun will be up in a few hours, and we will have missed our last chance to put an end to it!

Carl: I think I hear someone approaching now… if I’m not mistaken.

[ Maureen Dean runs up ]

Vampire Hunter: [ relieved ] Thank God you are here! I was afraid something had happened to you! We have only a few hours until DAYBREAK!

Maureen Dean: Are you SURE we’re doing the right thing, Doctor? I don’t know if I can DO it!

Vampire Hunter: You must do it, Maureen, you’re our only hope!

Carl: He’ll open the gates for you! You KNOW he will!

Vampire Hunter: Once we are in the mansion, Carl and I will take care of EVERYTHING!

Maureen Dean: Are you gonna have to use that? [ she points to his wooden stake ]

Vampire Hunter: It’s the only way! A wooden stake is the only waty to keep him from haunting us FOREVER! It must be done!

Maureen Dean: I’m scared!

Vampire Hunter: Maureen, remember! You have nothing to fear as long as he doesn’t touch you! Be careful! Remember: He’s tricky.

[ thunder crashes ]

[ dissolve to mansion interior, as former President Richard Nixon towers over a window and stares into the night ]

[ he closes the window, then lifts a copy of his oversized manuscript and sits in his chair ]

Richard Nixon: I think I’ll read it over one more time! It’s going out to the publishers tomorrow morning. This will be my last chance. “Memoirs, by Richard Nixon. Nineteen dollars and ninety-five cents.” [ he turns a page ] “Chapter One. I was born in the house my father built…”

[ the security system buzzes ]

Richard Nixon: [ answering ] Yes?

Maureen Dean: Mr. President?

Richard Nixon: I — I don’t recall the voice.

Maureen Dean: Mr. President, it’s Maureen Dean. I was wondering if I could talk to you?

Richard Nixon: [ piqued ] M-Maureen! What a surprise! Are you alone?

Maureen Dean: Uh… yes, I am, Mr. President…

Richard Nixon: [ excited ] Well, come on in! I’ll put on some java!

[ Nixon turns on Johnny Mathis’s “Misty” on the record plater, then changes into his smoking jacket ]

Richard Nixon: [ singing ] “…As a kitten up a tree. I’m…”

[ Vampire Hunter and Carl burst into the room ]

Richard Nixon: NO!! NO!! Pat! Pat! Help!

Carl: I don’t like that song. [ he turns the record off ]

Vampire Hunter: You know what we are here for! We have come to put the soul of Watergate to REST! It has HAUNTED us long enough! It must be DONE WITH once and for all!

Maureen Dean: [ grabbing the manuscript ] I’ve got it! This is it!

Richard Nixon: Give it back to me, Maureen! It’s MINE!

Vampire Hunter: Don’t worry, Maureen! [ he holds up a pocket mirror, as Nixon winces ] This mirror will keep him at bay! He HATES to see his own reflection!

Maureen Dean: Haven’t you polluted America enough?! Haven’t you profited enough from your MISTAKES?!

Richard Nixon: Give it back to me, Mo! I’ll make it up to you.

Vampire Hunter: Don’t listen to him, Maureen! Quick! Carl! Carl! Unwrap the picture!

Carl: Aw, I forgot it outside. I’ll be right back! [ he runs out the door ]

Richard Nixon: [ trying to be charming ] Don’t — don’t you remember what a swell time we had at the state dinner for the Shah?

Vampire Hunter: Don’t look at him!

Richard Nixon: My memoirs are the foundation for my comeback! There’ll be a place for you in my administration, Maureen…

Vampire Hunter: Don’t look at him in the eyes!

Richard Nixon: In my new administration… there may even be a place for you on the ticket. Nixon and Dean. I like that!

Vampire Hunter: Don’t listen to him, Maureen! Remember what he did to Agnew!

Richard Nixon: You know… the Vice-President gets his own mansion now. [ seductively ] You could decorate it any way you wanted!

Vampire Hunter: DON’T look at him, Maureen! Try to think of something else!

Richard Nixon: Think of all those parties, all those people! Telling you how PRETTY you look! Think of that!

[ suddenly, Carl rushes in with the framed photo of wight D. Eisenhower, which causes Nixon to recoil in fear ]

Maureen Dean: Are you SURE you’ve got to go through with it? Maybe he’s changed!

Vampire Hunter: If we don’t put an end to it NOW, it will only be a matter of WEEKS before it spreads to libraries and bookstores in every city, town and mall in America! The STENCH of San Clemente will SEEP into commuter trains, bus stations and bookmobiles! The country REEK as never before over this FOUL affair that continues to decompose but REFUSES TO DIE!! We CAN’T allow the UNDEAD to go on HAUNTING US!! We must put the soul of Watergate TO REST!! NOW!!

[ Vampire Hunter pounds the wooden stake through the manuscript, as Nixon clutches his heart, gasps and collapses into a chair ]

Vampire Hunter: Look! See how peaceful he looks?

Maureen Dean: He hasn’t looked that peaceful since the party.

Vampire Hunter: Well, we must burn it now. Our work is nearly over.

[ Vampire Hunter grabs the manuscript and leads his party out of the mansion ]

[ Nixon swallows, then looks up from his chair and rises toward his typewriter. He places a sheet of paper into the typewriter and recites his manuscript as he types ]

Richard Nixon: “Memoirs, by Richard Nixon. Nineteen dollars and ninety-five cents.” [ he turns a page ] “Chapter One. I was born in the house my father built…”

[ pull out to wide view of set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Is Eight Really Enough?” ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 15

77o: Christopher Lee / Meat Loaf

Mr. Death

Written by: Alan Zweibel, Herb Sargent, & Gilda Radner

Mother … Jane Curtin
Penny … Laraine Newman
Mr. Death … Christopher Lee

[A little girl’s bedroom at bedtime. A mother comfortsher daughter, Penny.]

Mother: Your father and I will get you another dogright away, honey. We promise.

Penny: I don’t want another dog! I want Tippy! Why didTippy have to die?

Mother: Honey, dogs die just like people do. Just likewhen Grandpa died.

Penny: You mean, Grandpa also swallowed a doorknob?

Mother: Well, no, not– No. But – but don’t worry,honey, tomorrow we’ll pick out a new dog.

Penny: Can I name him “Tippy”?

Mother: Of course you can.

Penny: Well….

Mother: Good. Now, close your eyes and get a goodnight’s sleep [kisses Penny on forehead] and I’ll seeyou tomorrow.

Penny: Good night, Mom.

[Mother shuts off light and exits. Penny gets out fromunder the covers, kneels by the bed and says herprayers:]

Penny: Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord mysoul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I praythe Lord my soul to take. [Unseen by Penny, a shadowyfigure moves into view behind her] God bless Mommy andDaddy and my best friend Karen and my dead dog Tippy.Amen.

Mr. Death: That’s very nice, Penny.

[Penny turns and rises to confront Mr. Death, a GrimReaper with a deep, cultured voice, wearing a darkrobe, and carrying a huge scythe. Penny is not scaredat all, just amazed.]

Penny: Hey! Who are you? What are you doing in my room?

Mr. Death: I’m … sorry about Tippy and I came to apologize.

Penny: Are you the man who made Tippy die?

Mr. Death: Well, sort of. Tippy was on my list.

Penny: [upset] What list? What do you mean?

Mr. Death: Oh, please don’t get too angry at me. Everyday I’m given a list of lives that … have to end.It’s – it’s not the greatest job in the world but it’sa living.

Penny: [sits at foot of bed] But you KILLED Tippy! Andthat’s bad! ‘Cause in Sunday school we learned the TenCommandments. Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt notsteal. Thou shalt not cover up thy neighbor’s wife.Thou shalt not witness false bears. Thou shalt not–

Mr. Death: [sits next to Penny] Yes, you areabsolutely right, Penny. You are right. You are notsupposed to kill and, well, I – I don’t … kill.

Penny: What do you do?

Mr. Death: Well, when you are born, Mr. Life is there.And when you die, Mr. Death takes over.

Penny: Well, you’re mean, Mr. Death. You make people cry.

Mr. Death: Well, I can’t help that, Penny. I’m …inevitable. Everything has to die. People, animals, flowers.

Penny: What about rocks?

Mr. Death: Rocks were never alive so they can’t die.

Penny: What about dolls?

Mr. Death: Same thing.

Penny: Once, Tippy ate off one of my doll’s heads andI yelled at him and I hit him with the newspaper andhe hid under the couch and – now I’m sorry and I can’ttell him – oh! – ’cause he’s not here anymore and Ihate you! Why don’t you take Kenny Tuckman? He sitsbehind me in school and pokes me!

Mr. Death: [pulls a scroll from his pocket] Tuckman?[consults the scroll] Tuckman? No. I don’t see him onmy list, uh, for-for quite a while. I wish thatRichard Harris and Nick Nolte were on it.

Penny: Can I see that?

Mr. Death: [pockets the scroll] Oh, no, no, no. No,Penny! That’s, uh, that’s very private.

Penny: I’ll bet you killed a million thousand skilliontrillion people.

Mr. Death: Well, I don’t know if “killed” is the rightword. But I have got a big list.

Penny: My grandpa?

Mr. Death: Yes.

Penny: Senator Humphrey?

Mr. Death: Yes.

Penny: Jesus?

Mr. Death: No, the Romans did that.

Penny: Did you come here to get me?

Mr. Death: No.

Penny: Once, I had a baby chick — it died. Lastsummer, I caught a frog — died. And then I had ahamster — died. Goldfish — died. Turtle — died.

Mr. Death: So I hate small animals! You can’t blame me for that.

Penny: That’s terrible!

Mr. Death: I told you, I just came here to apologizeabout Tippy. It’s the first time I’ve ever apologizedto anyone. I’m – I’m not used to this. So don’t makeit any harder for me, please. Do you mind if I have adrink? [pulls out a flask, unscrews it, and takes a snort]

Penny: You’re drinking whiskey, aren’t ya? You know,when my dad does that, some times he feels so bad inthe morning he can’t even go to work.

Mr. Death: Well, I wish I didn’t have to go to work.You think I like making little girls like you cry?

Penny: [sympathetically] Oh, Mr. Death!

Mr. Death: I wanted to be … Mother Nature. Didn’twork out. I couldn’t tell butter from margarine. So Iwent into this field and I’m quite successful at itbut all the recognition, it doesn’t help at all, youknow. Poets, novelists, playwrights, philosophers,they’ve all written about me. Ingmar Bergman makesmovies I’ll never understand. Why don’t they justaccept me for, well, for what I am? I’m – I’m just aman with a job to do. Someone has to do it. [pause]Well, I’m off. [rises, Penny follows]

Penny: Well, where’re ya goin’ now, Mr. Death?

Mr. Death: I’m going to Lebanon. I have some moppingup to do there.

Penny: Well, are you really sorry about Tippy?

Mr. Death: Yes, I am.

Penny: Well, I guess I forgive you.

Mr. Death: Thank you, Penny.

Penny: Mr. Death, will I ever see Tippy again?

Mr. Death: Oh, yes, someday. Someday I’ll take you tohim but that won’t be for a long time.

Penny: When?!

Mr. Death: [she’s asked one question too many and hesnaps at her] I’ll come and visit you on yourfifteenth birthday!

Penny: What?

Mr. Death: [realizes he’s said too much] Oh, justkidding, Penny. You, uh, you better get to bed.

Penny: [climbs into bed] Okay. Well, Mr. Death, I’msorry I got mad at you. I know you have a hard job.

Mr. Death: [sits beside her] It’s not easy. But rightnow you have a job to do, young lady, and that’s to goto sleep.

Penny: Okay. Mr. Death, can you kiss me good night?

Mr. Death: Penny?

Penny: Yeah?

Mr. Death: [crisply] Don’t press your luck. [rises andwalks off]

[ pull out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… How To Break The Smoke-Enders Habit” ]

[ fade ]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 15










Amazon.com Widgets

77o: Christopher Lee / Meat Loaf

Mr. Bill Goes to the Circus

Mr. Hands: Hey kids, it’s time for the Mr. Bill show!

(curtain rises to reveal Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: Ho ho kiddies! Oh it’s so good to see all your bright faces out there in front of the tv set. Oh we’re going to have a great time today because we’re having our own circus! But now I’d like to introduce you to my friend. He helps me all the time. Mr. Hands!

Mr. Hands: (starts molding Spot) Hey Mr. Bill. Say, a friend of yours is coming to see you.

Mr. Bill: Oh really? Who could that be Mr. Hands, huh?

Mr. Hands: (sings) Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog.

Mr. Bill: Oh Spot! Hey Spot! How’s my dog? How are you doing huh? Say Mr. Hands, can you help me pet him huh?

Mr. Hands: Sure Mr. Bill. But you know, he looks mighty hungry. I think we better feed him right away.

Mr. Bill: But I don’t have any dog food.

Mr. Hands: (starts molding Sluggo) Don’t worry. One of your best friends is dropping in and he’s going to bring some dog food.

Mr. Bill: Who’s that huh?

Mr. Hands: He’s one of your best friends.

Mr. Bill: Oh wait. No, no! He’s not my friend! No, he’s always mean to me!

Mr. Hands: No, it’s friendly Mr. Sluggo! And his special dog food (which is a can with a skull and crossbones label)

Mr. Bill: That’s not dog food!

Mr. Hands: Sure it is. And he says not a speck of cereal. (takes a spoonful and gives it to Spot)

Mr. Bill: No wait. It’s poison! Don’t eat it Spot! Ohhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: See you later Spot! (swats Spot away)

Mr. Bill: Oh why! Why!

Mr. Hands: Never mind Mr. Bill because we’re going to have our circus.

Mr. Bill: Oh I love the circus.

Mr. Hands: (with a bunch of balloons) I bought you this present Mr. Bill. (Starts tying the string of the balloons around Mr. Bill’s arm.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, that’s too tight! Too tight!

Mr. Hands: I wouldn’t want you to lose your balloons.

Mr. Bill: No wait! No! I can’t hold it! I can’t, wait! (the helium of the balloons rips Mr. Bill’s arm out.) Ohhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Oh, Mr. Bill, you lost your balloons! (starts molding Sluggo again) You know Mr. Bill, we need somebody to run our circus. So who’s always in charge of a circus?

Mr. Bill: I don’t know. Who?

Mr. Hands: The ringmaster!

Mr. Bill: Oh he’s no ringmaster!

Mr. Hands: Sure he’s Ringmaster Sluggo. (starts tossing a bowling pin) And he says for our first act tonight, you and I are going to be a juggling team. So catch the bowling pin! (Tosses the bowling pin at Mr. Bill’s head knocking it off.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Why! Why!

Mr. Hands: (placing Mr. Bill’s head back on and placing him on a high wire.) For our next act, Ringmaster Sluggo says you’re going to do a daring high wire act.

Mr. Bill: No wait, I’ll fall!

Mr. Hands: Don’t worry. I made you a special net in case you slip (places a small net made of plastic)

Mr. Bill: No I can’t, no!

Mr. Hands: Now walk the tightrope Mr. Bill! (Drops Mr. Bill who falls into the floor)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: You know Mr. Bill, no circus would be complete without the traditional shoot the man out of the cannon stunt! (places a cannon on the stage and places the pieces of Mr. Bill in who is groaning) Now let me get you ready. Nice and snug Mr. Bill. Now I’m going to light the fuse. (does so) So until next week kids, (Mr. Bill is shot out of the cannon) Mr. Bill says so long for Mr. Sluggo, Mr. Spot and everybody in the big top! (The arm with the balloons reappears as the curtain falls)

(dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on punk male sticking his tongue out as CAPTION: “Mentally Overdressing Date” appears)

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 15

77o: Christopher Lee / Meat Loaf

Christopher Lee’s Monologue

…..Christopher Lee
Trailer Announcer…..Tom Davis
Dr. Mobius…..Garrett Morris
Customer…..Laraine Newman
Assistant…..Gilda Radner
Husband…..Bill Murray
Wife…..Jane Curtin
The Thing…..John Belushi
Assistant…..Laraien Newman
Dr Jekyll/Mr. Rogers…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen — Christopher Lee!

Christopher Lee: Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m quite sure that when some of you heard that Crisrtpher Lee was going to host “Saturday Night Live”, you were somewhat surprised and quite a little… apprehensive. In fact, I approached this whole thing with considerable trepidation and dread. You see, I’ve seen the show and I admire it enormously. At times, I even find it, um… quite humorous.

You know, I’ve appeared in over 130 motion pictures, and not all of them begin at 3 a.m. on Channel 9. I was the Man with the Golden Gun — a James Bond film. [ the audience applauds ] I, uh, played with Raquel Welch in “The Three –” and “Four Muskateers”. I drowned in “Airport ’77”. And I’m sure that you will remember me vividly as Trixie in “The Honeymooners”. [ the audience laughs ]

As you may know, I first came to public attention through my appearances in certain, rather… eerie, macabre films. But you may be surprised to know that I haven’t made one in several years. This is because I have a great deal of respect for this kind of film, and I don’t think that very god ones are being produced any more. Week after week, I find myself receiving scripts like “The CReature from the Black Studies Program”… and “Frankenstein Snubs the Wolfman”. And, of course, “Dr. Terror’s House of Pancakes”. To give you an idea to the depths at which this sort of picture has sunk nowadays, I can’t do better than to show you some coming attractions. Here, then, are the trailers for three current films.

[ cut to black-and-whate tape roll: 5, 4, 3, 2… ]

[ eerie music opens onto scene at baggage counter ]

Dr. Mobius: [ menacingly ] Could you describe… the suitcase?

Customer: [ distraught ] Can’t you see I’m in NO condition?!

Dr. Mobius: Well… is it an overnight bag? A valise? A garment bag? Huh? Perhaps — perhaps MY ASSISTANT can be of some help! Come, Assistant!

[ the hunchbacked Assistant enters carrying the customer’s wrong luggage ]

[ the Customer screams in agony ]

Trailer Announcer: When you visit the island of Dr. Mobius, you leave your soul and your BAGS behind! For this is… [ title card appears ] “The Island of Lost Luggage”! Based on a story by H.G. Wells — although the luggage part was really the idea of Frank Mormon, who’s in charge of Eastern Airlines — “The Island of Lost Luggage” is one of the most terrifying motion pictures EVER made! [ with SUPER: ] Warning! No One Will Be Seated During the Horrifying Tote-Bag Sequence!”

Customer: Mobius! You MONSTER! Give me my luggage!

Dr. Mobius: Certainly! But first, you must rest and visit my laboratory! [ the Assistant snickers ] And, by the way — I’m sure that you have your claim check?

[ Dr. Mobius and his assistant laugh evilly, as the Customer screams in terror ]

[ dissolve to title slide ]

Trailer Announcer: “The Island of Lost Luggage” — an experience in terror and inconvenience! Now at neighborhood theaters — special 3-D glasses available in lobby.

[ dissolve to black-and-whate tape roll: 3, 2… ]

[ open on married couple sitting on couch with visitor leafing through their record albums ]

Husband: Well, uh — we’re glad thart you could, uh… [ he yawns ] stop by, but, uh… [ he yawns again ] it’s getting pretty larte, and, uh, we’d better get to bed now.

The Thing: Don’t you have any records besides these? [ he pulls out an album ] I think I’m gonna borrow this one.

Wife: [ screams in terror ]

Trailer Announcer: It came without warning! They were just being POLITE! They didn’t realize thart they’d be stuck with… [ music sting, as title appears ] “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave”!

Husband: [ as the Thing lights a cigar and eats chips ] You see, uh… we both have to be at work real early tomorrow morning, see…?

The Thing: God, I’m thirsty! Is there anything in the fridge?

Wife: [ screams in terror ]

Husband: Look — I don’t want to be rude, but… my wife is VERY tired!

The Thing: [ leafing through the TV Guide ] Yeah… Hey, there’s a good movie on tonight! I think I’ll call up some friends and watch it over here!

Wife: [ screams in terror ]

Trailer Announcer: It came from beyond the grave! A creature SO rude, SO inconsiderate… they thought it would NEVER leave!

The Thing: [ reaching for the phone ] I’m gonna make a long-distance call! Okay?

Wife: [ screams in terror ]

Trailer Announcer: “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave”! You may never have guests again! [ dissolve to slide ] “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave”! Held over 5th week at neighborhood theaters. It may never leave!

[ dissolve to black-and-whate tape roll: 5, 4, 3, 2… ]

[ open on creepy laboratory ]

Trailer Announcer: Vincent Price is Dr. Jekyll! Vincent Price has never BEEN more terrifying!

Assistant: Henry! You MUST get some sleep! You drive yourself so!

Dr. Jeykyl: I CAN’T stop now — not when I’m so close!

Assistant: Henry! Come back to the university!

Dr. Jeykyl: The university? Where they LAUGHED at my experiments, and called me a MADMAN! We’ll see who’s mad now! [ he sips from a potion ]

Assistant: Henry! No!

[ she screams as he laughs maniacally and thunder rumbles ]

Trailer Announcer: Dr. Henry Jekyll! A brilliant scientist! But there are some doors man was NEVER meant to open! Vincent Price IS Dr. Henry Jekyll, in… [ title appears ] “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Rogers”!

[ Dr. Jekyll enters a closet and changes from his lab coat to a blue sweater, as the familiar children’s theme plays in the background ]

Mr. Rogers: [ singing, as he changes his shoes ]
“It’s a beautiful day in this neighborhood
A beautiful day for a neighbor
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
It’s a neighborly day in this beauty-wood
A neighborly day for beauty
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?”

Hi, neighbor! I’m glad we’re together today. Do you know what this is? This is Yes Day. That’s right! Yes Day! Can you say that? Mmm-hmm. I thought you could! Over here, we’ve got our little desk. A beaker! Can you say that?

[ Assistant screams ]

Trailer Announcer: “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Rogers”! Just keep saying to yourself: “It’s educational!”

[ fade to black and open back on Christopher Lee at Home Base ]

Christopher Lee: You see what I mean?

[ dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Passing For Cute” ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 15

77o: Christopher Lee / Meat Loaf

Goodnights

…..Christopher Lee

Christopher Lee: Thank you, all of you, for coming this evening. I’ve never had an experience like this in… a long, long time. [ he laughs ] I’ve had a wonderful time. And — yeah. And all I can say is, quite simply: Thank you! Thanks!

[ the cast runs up onstage to join Lee ]

[ Laraine Newman and Gilda Radner each hand him a pink flower, which he graciously accepts, then leans over to kiss both of them on the cheeks ]

[ soon, Lee wraps both girls in his arms and holds out their flowers before them as they all smile together ]

Announcer: Next Saturday, watch NBC’s “Weekend” with Lloyd Dobbin. We’ll be back in two weeks, on April 8th, and “Saturday Night”‘s live host will be Michael Palin from “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”. and, if the Easter Bunny’s listening, I’d like my eggs poached! This is Don Pardo. Good night!

[ as the camera pans out, we can see the silhoette of a male audience member walking back and forth along the upper balcony ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 15

77o: Christopher Lee / Meat Loaf

John Belushi’s New Name

…..Bill Murray
…..Gilda Radner
…..John Belushi

[ open on cartoon graphic of dalmatian running from moving cvan ]

Announcer: “101 Dalmatians Get Run Over By 101 Moving Vans” will not be seen tonight, so that NBC may present the following special program.

[ dissolve to black, fade up on the cast lockers as Gilda Radner brushes Bill Murray’s hair. In the background, John Belushi’s name is X’d out on his locker with the name Kevin Scott written below it. ]

Bill Murray: …Fine hair. There’s no point, it’s very fine…

Gilda Radner: Billy…

Bill Murray: It’s very fine.

Gilda Radner: Billy, guess what’s happening to John.

Bill Murray: Belushi? What?

Gilda Radner: He’s going to Hollywood.

Bill Murray: Why’s he going to Hollywood?

Gilda Radner: Well, it’s this thing. Like — John Chancellor is leaving the NBC Nightly News…

Bill Murray: Yeah?

Gilda Radner: And that means that everybody at NBC moves up one. Like, Tom Brokaw or however you prounounce it…

Bill Murray: Brokaw.

Gilda Radner: Brokaw. He’s going to, um… he’s going to take over the Nightly news…

Bill Murray: Yeah?

Gilda Radner: …and leave the Today Show… and Tom Snyder’s leaving the Tomorrow show, and he’s going to take over the Today Show… and Dan Hagerty’s leaving “Grizzly Adams” and he’s going to take over Tom Snyder’s part on Tomorrow.

Bill Murray: And they want John to take over for “Grizzly Adams”?

Gilda Radner: Yeah, that’s right.

Bill Murray: That lucky stiff…

Gilda Radner: Well, it’s not definite, you know? I mean, evidently the bear has final approval.

Bill Murray: But that would be something, though: “John Belushi starring as Grizzly Adams”!

Gilda Radner: Oh, it’s not gonna be “John Belushi starring as Grizzly Adams.” The network wants him to change his name.

Bill Murray: Why change his name?

Gilda Radner: Well, you see… I guess they figure that everybody associates the name “John Belushi” wih comedy and satire, you know? And this bear has no sense of humor. So the network’s making him change his name.

Bill Murray: What’s his new name?

Gilda Radner: “Kevin Scott.”

Bill Murray: “Kevin Scott”?

Gilda Radner: Yeah. It’s “Kevin –” Uh-oh! There he comes.

[ John Belushi comes stomping into the locker room ]

Bill Murray: Well, I guess congratulations are in order, “Kevin”! [ he holds out his hand ]

John Belushi: [ annoyed ] Don’t call me “Kevin”, okay? I don’t like it! It’s FORCED on me! Besides, the deal’s not definite yet. I haven’t got the part yet. Thr BEAR’S got final approval.

Bill Murray: Well, it’s a big opportunity, man.

Gilda Radner: Yeah. You must be nervous.

John Belushi: Yeah. Kind of. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime, you know?

Gilda Radner: Yeah. Well, you know somwething, John, you could be living in Hollywood!

John Belushi: I don’t LIKE Hollywood, Gilda! You know that. A bunch of PHONIES out there! You know, don’t worry about me. I’m not gonna change. [ he changes out of his usual clothes into a white jacket with Hawaiian shirt ] I’ll just be John, wherever I go — or “Kev”! [ he places a cigar into his mouth ]

Gilda Radner: John?

John Belushi: Yeah?

Gilda Radner: This is scary. I’m gonna miss ya’.

John Belushi: [ he lights his cigar ] I’m gonna miss you, too, Gilda. I’m gonna miss you, too, Billy. you know, you’ve both come a long way. You remind me of when I firsrt started out, you know? Kinda green. Who knows? Maybe they’ll be flying you out to the coast in a couple of years. When they need you out in Hollywood, they need you, I guess.

Bill Murray: Thanks, John. Coming from the next Grizzly Adams, that means quite a lot. Thank you. [ he holds out his hand ]

John Belushi: [ he shakes Bill’s hand, then begins to unbutton his shirt all the way down ] Say… hey, you know, if I don’t get a chance to say goodbye to Danny, Garrett, Laraine and, uh…?

Gilda Radner: Jane.

John Belushi: Jane! Yeah. You know, say goodbye to them for me. I’m gonna miss them all. And most of all, I’m gonna miss saying: “Live [ pronounced with the short i ] from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” Live? [ pronounced with the long i ]

SNL Transcripts

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