Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 3: Episode 15 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
March 25th, 1978 Christopher Lee Meat Loaf Richard Belzer Stacy Keach Tom Davis Rosie Shuster John Belushi’s New NameSummary: After being slated to take over “Grizzly Adams”, the network forces John Belushi to change his name to “Kevin Scott”. Transcript
Montage
Christopher Lee’s MonologueSummary: Christopher Lee shows off the trailers for his rejected horror films: “The Island Of Lost Luggage”; “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave”, starring John Belushi; and “Dr. Jekyll And Mister Rogers”, starring Vincent Price (Dan Aykroyd). Recurring Characters: Vincent Price. Transcript
My Fair LadySummary: Henry Higgins (Christopher Lee) attempts to teach Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner) how to pronounce her R’s. Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters.
Meat Loaf performs “All Revved Up & No Place To Go”Also Performs: 81g.
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Kevin Scott (John Belushi) rants about a recent supertanker oil spill. Bill Murray makes his Oscar picks. Transcript
Suggestions for SadatRecurring Characters: Anwar Sadat.
Cold As Ice
Dell Stator’s Rabbit Hut
Death to WatergateSummary: With help from Maureen Dean (Jane Curtin), a vampire hunter (Christopher Lee) sets out to kill Richard Nixon’s (Dan Aykroyd) memoirs. Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon, Maureen Dean. Transcript
Richard Belzer
Meat Loaf performs “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad”
The Mr. Bill ShowSummary: When “Mr. Bill Goes To The Circus”, his arm is decapitated by helium balloons and he is shot out of a cannon by Ringmaster Sluggo. Transcript
Dr. Wilbur…..Jill Clayburgh Sybil Connolly…..Jane Curtin Colleen Fernman as Sybil Dorsett…..Gilda Radner Sybil Weintraub…..Laraine Newman Debras…..Anne Beatts, Yvonne Hudson, Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Karen Roston, Rosie Shuster
[ open on Dr. Wilbur’s office, as she dictates ]
Dr. Wilbur: The patient continues to exhibit accute schizophrenia, perhaps the most remarkable case of the Three Faces of Eve. Each of her multiple personalities is so clearly defined that it’s almost as though I were in a room with THREE separate individuals. [ she stops dictating and presses her intercom ] Miss Bernstein, would you send in “Sybil”?
[ music sting, over title card ]
Announcer: “Sybil, Part III.”
[ return to Dr. Wilbur’s office, as three women enter the room ]
Dr. Wilbur: Hello, “Sybil”.
Sybil III: Hello, Dr. Wilbur!!!
Dr. Wilbur: “Sybil”, why don’t you take a seat? [ they sit down in three seats ] Well… “Sybil”, “Sybil”, “Sybil.” Today, the two of us are gonna confront reality! You are laboring under the delusion that you are THREE separate individuals.
Sybil Weintraub: We ARE three separate individuals!
Sybil Connolly: God, we’ve been THROUGH this!
Dr. Wilbur: I know you feel that. But, in fact, you’re all ONE person! You are Sybil Dorsett from Willow Quarters, Wisconsin.
Sybil Weintraub: [ pointing to the middle Sybil ] This is Sybil Dorsett. [ pointing to the far Sybil ] She’s Sybil Connolly, from Boston. [ pointing to herself ] I’m Sybil Weintraub, from Shaker Heights, Ohio. I mean, look I’ve got PROOF! [ she whips out her wallet ] Here’s my I.D. with all my name on it — Sybil Weintraub!
Dr. Wilbur: Sybil, you’re fighting me.
Sybil Connolly: Look — you just think we’re the same person because we ALL happen to be named SYBIL!
Dr. Wilbur: Well, that is what tipped me off. But there’s something else that’s gonig on here. “Sybil”, one of your personalities isn’t expressing herself, why is that?
[ Sybil Dorsett looks around, blankly ]
Sybil Connolly: Because she’s VEGGED out!
Dr. Wilbur: Sybil, you’re very hostile today. Aren’t you forgetting how much progress we’ve already made? I mean, when you first came here you were manisfesting sixteen different personalities. And now we’ve successfully integrated all but three!
Sybil Connolly: Of course! The other thirteen Sybils STOPPED coming to the session!
Sybil Weintraub: Maybe they were smarter than we were.
Sybil Connolly: Well, besides, there weren’t enough chairs.
[ Sybil Dorsett laughs boisterously, then withdraws ]
Dr. Wilbur: Sybil, you will never be a whole person until you relive your childhood traumas and admit that your mother was a MONSTER who TORTURED you with BUTTON HOOKS, while hanging you upside-down from the kitchen light fixture and giving you ICE WATER ENEMAS!
Sybil Connolly: What?!
Sybil Weintraub: What are you talking about?
Dr. Wilbur: Oh, Sybil, Sybil, Sybil… face the truth. Remember!
[ the three Sybils look at one another ]
Sybil Weintraub: Oh, alright… So my mother did hang me from the light fixture and give me ice water enemas. So what?
Sybil Connolly: So did mine! Big deal!
Sybil Weintraub: I know it looks bad, but, believe me, it’s just a weird coincidence.
Sybil Connolly: It is a pretty weird coincidence.
[ Sybil Dorsett laughs boisterously, then withdraws ]
Dr. Wilbur: Sybil, we seem to be on the verge of a breakthrough. Now, would you mind going back to the couch? I know it makes you uncomfortable, but please try it.
Sybil Connolly: I HATE this part!
Dr. Wilbur: Sibyl, why deny that you’re schitzo? We all have many people inside of us. I myself am a psychiatrist…
[ Sybil Dorsett lies on the couch, as Sybil Weintraub and Sybil Connolly squeeze next to her and knock her to the floor ]
Dr. Wilbur: I’m a mother… I’m a married woman… I’m an unmarried woman. I’m a dancer, and, as a matter of fact, I’m, uh… I’m TWO dancers! I’m Jazz and Modern.
[ Sybil Dorsett squeezes back onto the couch, knocking Sybil Connolly to the other side of the floor ]
Dr. Wilbur: Uhhh… I’m a furrier, I’m, uh… I’m four artists — I’m an Impressionist, a Photorealist, an Abstract Expressionist, and a Primitive. And I’m a lot of gym teachers. And i’m at least one dental technician.
[ Sybil Connolly and Sybil Weintraub finally decide they’ve had enough and tiptoe for the door ]
Dr. Wilbur: I’ve had problems… like most young women. I was hung from light fixtures and tortured by my mother. I survived… and so can you. You can become WHOLE again. I know it.
[ the door slams, as Sybil Connolly and Sybil Weintraub make their exit ]
[ Dr. Wilbur turns to see only Sybil Dorsett lying on the couch ]
Dr. Wilbur: Sybil!
[ Sybil Dorsett looks around catatonically ]
Dr. Wilbur: You’re cured! Oh, Sybil, look at you — you’re a whole person again! Ohhhh!! [ she pulls G to her feet ] It won’t be necessary for you to come back here every week. [ she grabs G’s coat ] You just check in with me every now and again when you’re feeling a little bit down. Oh, Sybil… [ she struggles to help G into her coat ] I’m so GLAD this happened! And you just remember your mother cannot hurt you NOW! Now, listen — I have another appointment, and she’s waiting for me… [ she walks G to the door, crashing her into it ] But you just keep in touch! Bye hye, Sweetie!
[ Sybil Dorsett exits, as Dr. Wilbur sits at her desk ]
Dr. Wilbur: [ into intercom ] Uh, Miss Bernstein? Uh, send in Debra.
[ a huge group of women storm into the room, shoving Sybil Dorsett in with them ]
Dr. Wilbur: [ blowing a whistle ] Okay, Debra! Hold it down! Now, the two of us have a LOT of work to do here, so let’s not waste any time. And remember, Debra — I never promised you a rose garden.
[ pull out, with SUPER: “coming up next… Illegal Alien Celebrities” ]
Jane Herkiman…..Gilda Radner Richard Herkiman…..Bill Murray Morty Coony…..John Belushi Judy Coony…..Jill Clayburgh
[ open on Jane Herkiman taking a shower while singing “Up, Up and Away” ]
[ Richard Herkiman enters behind her and picks up a shower mike ]
Richard Herkiman: JOHNNY NASH, ladies and gentlemen! Come on, let’s hear it for her, isn’t she terrific! She’s my better half!
Jane Herkiman: Come on, you’re embarrassing me…!
Richard Herkiman: Let me introduce myself — I’m Richard Herkimann. And I’d like to see if we can’t get my wife, Jane, to do one more number! How about it, Jane?
Jane Herkiman: Would you stop it, Richard? You’re embarrassing me! I’m taking a shower, now stop it.
Richard Herkiman: Aw, come on! I’ll bet you know this one: “Ahhh, love! Love will keep us together!” Thank you! Take it, Jane, come on!
Jane Herkiman: No! I’m not… Richard!
Richard Herkiman: “You gotta stay strong! Just stop!”
Jane Herkiman: Would you STOP it, Richard? I can’t…
Richard Herkiman: “Just stop!”
Jane Herkiman: STOP IT!!
Richard Herkiman: ‘Cause I’d like to introduce a very funny guy, as a matter of fact! He just stopped by, on his way to the train. The funniest guy in the neighborhood, as a matter of fact! Our friend, our next-door neighbor — MORTY COONY! Come on in!
[ Morty enters dressed in a business suit, as Jane screams ]
Morty Coony: Hi, how are ya’! Thank you, Richard! And Hello, Jane, how are ya’?
Jane Herkiman: [ cowering ] Morty, what did you do?! Good Morning!
Richard Herkiman: You folks at home DON’T know this, but Morty’s wife threw him out of the house this week — a week ago — and he’s been hanging around our place ever since, telling his jokes, and he’d love to tell you a few! Now, you may have heard a few of them before, but, uh, remember: It’s Morty’s name, okay? Let’s hear it for MORTY OONY! [ he hands his shower mike over ]
Morty Coony: You know what? I noticed on the way over here that Herb across the street was having a garage sale!
Jane Herkiman: Did — Did you go over and buy anything?
Morty Coony: Why should I? I already have a garage!
[ Morty and Richard laugh hysterically ]
Morty Coony: Thank you!
Richard Herkiman: I TOLD you! The man is hysterical!
Morty Coony: Gracias! Gracias! That’s funny. You know, my garage is SO messy that the other day I was rummaging around there… I found my OLD CAR!! [ he laughs ]
Richard Herkiman: Mor-ty! You’re killing me!
Morty Coony: No, really! You know, my garage roof, you know, is leaking? So the roof had to be tarred! You know?
Richard Herkiman: Yeah.
Morty Coony: So I told my kid I’d give him thirty bucks to put the tar on the roof. I come home, and the jerk put the TUB of tar on the roof!
[ they all crack up laughing ]
Morty Coony: Thank you! Thank you! The garage… What else? What else?
Richard Herkiman: Are you kidding? He’s fantastic! He’s funny 24 hours a day, and that’s a big compliment. And, you know — the garage jokes? Funny, because he’s been living in our garage for the last week! Is that where that came from? I guess comedy works that way. It’s a strange combination of pain and environment, or something like that…
Morty Coony: Yeah, I guess so. I guess so. Yeah… yeah…
Jane Herkiman: Richard, you’re certainly very CRUEL in the shower. Now, why don’t we just forget all about it and why don’t I make you breakfast, Morty?
Richard Herkiman: Just a moment, Jane. [ he grabs his shower mike from Morty ] I think you’re gonna change your mind about my being cruel, AND about fixing Morty’s breakfast when I tell you — and Morty doesn’t even know about this — that behind the shower curtain is somebody who I think has something to say to Morty. Let me intriduce a friend and a neighbor — MRS. MORTY COONY! Come on in here, Judy!
[ he pulls a fully-dressed Judy Coony into the shower ]
Morty Coony: Sweetheart!
Judy Coony: Morty! I’ve come to ask you to leave the Herkimans’ garage and come on home, we miss you!
Morty Coony: Really? Aw, Judy!
[ Morty and Judy hug and kiss one another, and Richard and Jane follow suit ]
Richard Herkiman: Well, SOMEBODY’D better fix BREAKFAST!! Morty and I have to catch that ol’ 8:05 — we gotta get out of here and go to work! Just remember to… [ singing ] “look in your heart and let LOVE…!”
All: “KEEP US TOGEEEEEETH-ERRRRR…!!!”
[ the camera pans up the shower, then cuts over to the audience and zooms toward a man, then quickly pans over to the woman seated next to him, with SUPER: “Caught On Guard” ]
Pete Dionasopolis…..John Belushi George…..Dan Aykroyd Nico…..Bill Murray Sandy…..Laraine Newman New Waitress…..Jill Clayburgh Male Customer…..Garrett Morris Female Customer…..Gilda Radner Benefit Lady…..Jane Curtin
[A busy diner owned by the blustering, mustachioedPete Dionasopolis. He rings up a sale on his cashregister. Greek music plays quietly in the backgroundthroughout the sketch. The phone rings and Peteanswers:]
Pete: [into phone] Hello, Olympia Cafe! … [yells toGeorge, the cook] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Pete: [into phone] No. No fries, chips. … [yells toNico, the counterman] Four chip!
Nico: Four chip!
Pete: [into phone] What to drink? No Coke. Pepsi. …[yells to Nico] Four Pepsi!
Nico: Four Pepsi!
Pete: [into phone] All right.
[Sandy, the stern, dark-haired waitress is training anawkward new employee.]
Sandy: [to the new waitress] Just do what I do, huh?[demonstrates what to say to the others] Cheeseburger!
New Waitress: Cheeseburger!
Sandy: Cheeseburger!
New Waitress: Cheeseburger!
Sandy: Cheeseburger!
New Waitress: Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Sandy: Three chip!
New Waitress: Three chip!
Sandy: Three Pepsi!
New Waitress: Three Pepsi!
Nico: Three chip! Three Pepsi!
Male Customer: [paying his bill, to Pete at the cashregister] I see that you are training another newwaitress again.
Pete: [making change] Yeah. But she won’t stay. Theyall want money! You know? Even him! [indicates Nicowho stands by, grinning stupidly] I bring him overfrom Greece. I give him free food. A nice place tosleep in the back. But, even now, he’s always askingfor money! Ehh! [pushes Nico back to work] Come on,get out of here.
Sandy: Cheeseburger!
New Waitress: Cheeseburger!
Sandy: Cheeseburger!
New Waitress: Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Sandy: Two chip!
New Waitress: Two chip!
Sandy: Two Pepsi!
New Waitress: Two Pepsi!
Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!
Female Customer: [sitting at counter, to Pete] Hey,uh, I’m almost done. I, uh, better order that stuff togo.
Pete: Ah! I like you. You eat fast. All right, what togo?
Female Customer: Um, I want a cheeseburger, Pepsi anda bag of chips.
Pete: [yells] Cheeseburger! Pepsi! Chip!
George: Cheeseburger!
Nico: Pepsi! Chip!
Pete: Sandy! C’mere!
Sandy: [Pete exits as Sandy stands at the cashregister with the new waitress who hangs up her coatbefore Sandy explains the system] Okay, when Petegoes, you have to stand by the cash register but don’ttouch it. Pete is the only one to touch the cashregister, huh?
Benefit Lady: [enters with placard, goes to counter,talks to Nico] Hi! Uh, we’re having a benefit for theTagart twins — you know, the little boys that ate theballoon — and I was wondering if I could put thisposter in your window. [Nico doesn’t understand a wordshe’s saying but nods anyway] I can? [Nico shrugs, thebenefit lady is delighted] Oh!
Nico: [to the benefit lady] Cheeseburger?
Female Customer: [to the benefit lady] Look, um, hedoesn’t understand English. All he knows is”Cheeseburger” …
Nico: [to female customer] Cheeseburger?
Female Customer: [George brings her order in a bag]Oh, hi, George, look, uh, I wanna tell you this joke,okay? [indicates Nico] Oh, tell him too — it’s realfunny. Um, this guy says to the owner of a restaurant… [George translates in Greek to Nico] Uh, I gotsome bad news for you and some worse news … [Georgetranslates] Uh, the bad news is … [Georgetranslates] … that there’s a fly in my soup …[George translates] Uh, the worse news is … [Georgetranslates] It’s the best part of the meal! … [Anamused George translates the punch-line but Nicodoesn’t understand so George repeats it. Nico stilldoesn’t get it, shrugs apologetically. George givesup, gestures to the customer that Nico is not toobright, hands her her order, and heads back to thegrill.] Thank you. [rises, pays at register, andexits]
Sandy: [phone rings, Sandy picks up, speaks intophone] Olympia Cafe. … To go? Okay. … [yells]Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Sandy: Two chip! Two Pepsi!
Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!
Pete: [returns, shoos Sandy and the new waitress away]All right, come on, come on, come on, come on, let’sgo, come on, move, come on!
Benefit Lady: [to Pete] Hi! Um, we’re having a benefitand I was wondering if I could put this poster in yourwindow.
Pete: Sure. Five dollars.
Benefit Lady: No! No, no, no, you don’t understand.It’s a benefit.
Pete: [upset] Look, you come in here, you don’t evenbuy something, you want me to put something in thewindow?!
Benefit Lady: Uh, I’ll have a club sandwich and a tea.
Pete: No club, no tea. Cheeseburger.
Benefit Lady: Okay, I’ll have a cheeseburger, welldone.
Pete: All right, cheeseburger. What to drink?
Benefit Lady: Ah, no tea?
Pete: No tea. Pepsi.
Benefit Lady: Ah, do you have root beer?
Pete: No. No root beer. Pepsi.
Benefit Lady: Grape. Do you have–?
Pete: Pepsi!!
Benefit Lady: I don’t think I want anything to drink,thanks.
Pete: Okay, tea. [quickly pours her a tea]
Sandy: Cheeseburger!
New Waitress: Cheeseburger!
Sandy: Cheeseburger!
New Waitress: Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Pete: [upset, to the new waitress] Hey, hey, yo! Hey,you! You don’t say it right! Okay? Listen. [with Greekaccent, spoken quickly and without pronouncing the”s”] Cheeseburger!
New Waitress: Cheeseburger!
Pete: Cheeseburger!
New Waitress: Cheeseburger!
Pete: No, no. Cheeseburger!
George: [thinks an order is being made] Cheeseburger!
New Waitress: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
[Pete, George, and the new waitress all yell”Cheeseburger” back and forth, faster and faster,until the waitress explodes in fury:]
New Waitress: [throws her ticket book] I can’t standthis place! [runs behind register to grab her coat]It’s, like, nuts! I’m just getting out of this place!This is crazy! [grabs coat] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
New Waitress: [keeps ranting] Pepsi! Chip!
Nico: Pepsi! Chip!
New Waitress: [putting on coat] Cheeseburger! Pepsi!
George: Cheeseburger!
Nico: Pepsi!
Benefit Lady: [trying to calm her] Hey, it’s okay!It’s okay! Everything’s gonna be fine now. [to theemployees, who watch dispassionately] Can somebody gether a glass of water?
Pete: No water. Pepsi.
Benefit Lady: All right, a Pepsi!
Pete: One Pepsi! [But Nico merely stands there,watching the distressed waitress until Pete hits himseveral times with a menu] Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi! Comeon!
Female Passenger…..Jill Clayburgh Male Passenger…..John Belushi Gentleman…..Andy Murphy
[ open on interior, airplane, night ]
Female Passenger: I’m just going to sleep. You can have the window seat, if you want to look out…
Male Passenger: [ squinting ] Ahhh… there’s nothing to see out there.
Female Passenger: No, no, that’s not true. We’ll be crossing over the Rockies soon. They’re beautiful.
Male Passenger: What’s so beautiful about a bunch of blurry mountains? A big disappointment, just like everything else out West!
Female Passenger: Have you ever seen the Grand Canyon?
Male Passenger: Yeah. I don’t know what all the FUSS is! It’s just a BIG out-of-focus HOLE in the ground! All blurry and all. Let me tell ya’ — I’ve been all over the world; I ain’t NEVER seen a place I really liked. You know? Egypt… Japan… France…
Female Passenger: [ impressed ] France? Oh, what was France like?
Male Passenger: A big letdown! I was in Paris, I went to the Louvre. Let me tell ya’ — I don’t know what the big deal is. It’s just one out-of-focus sculpture after another. Rooms and rooms of fuzzy paintings. Even the Mona Lisa, jsut like all the rest, all indistinct and BLURRY!
Female Passenger: Well, what about the women? I mean, the women in France, they’re supposed to be the msot beautiful women in the world.
Male Passenger: [ he scoffs ] Ahh, don’t ya’ believe it! They’re just like women everywhere — all fuzzy-looking and out-of-focus! I’ll tell ya’ — the only beautiful women I ever saw was my wife. I got a picture of her, I carry it wherever I go.
Female Passenger: Well… I’d love to see it…
Male Passenger: There. [ he hands her a fuzzy black-and-white framed photo ] Now, THAT was a beautiful woman!
Female Passenger: Oh… I-I’m sorry… Is she no longer living?
Male Passenger: Yeahhh. She died in a car crash. I kind of blame myself.
Female Passenger: Ohhhhh, you’re all alone in the world, then?
Male Passenger: Yep! You might say that. I’m kind of disillusioned. I look around me and there’s no beauty in the world. I don’t trust people — they’re always making BIG DEALS out of things that don’t WARRANT it!
Female Passenger: Well, you know, you’re — you’re — you’re not a bad-looking man.
Male Passenger: Ahh, you’re just saying that. I’ve looked in the mirror, and I know I’m all ill-defined and blurry.
Female Passenger: Have you ever thought about seing an eye doctor?
Male Passenger: [ confused ] An eye doctor?
Female Passenger: Yeah. You know, to check your eyes and to prescribe glasses?
Male Passenger: [ more confused ] Glasses?
Female Passenger: Yeah. Like — like these that I’m wearing. [ she removes her glasses ] Without these, everything is blurry… but with them, everything’s in-focus.
Male Passenger: Are you pulling my leg?
Female Passenger: No. No, here. Try them on. [ she puts her glasses over his eyes ]
Male Passenger: [ distraught ] Everything’s BLURRIER, and FUZZIER, and even MORE ILL-DEFINED!!
Female Passenger: [ smiling ] Oh, that’s because you need a different prescription!
Male Passenger: I don’t think that’s it! [ he takes the glasses off ] I think you’re just putting me on about these “glasses” things! Here! [ he hands back her glasses ]
Female Passenger: Noooo, I’m not…
Male Passenger: And I was getting to like ya’, even though you’re fuzzy-looking! I’m gonna sit somewhere else.
Female Passenger: [ flabbergasted ] Well, I-I-I was only trying to help you…
Male Passenger: Noooo, no it’s no use! It’s no use. Once somebody lies to me, I can’t trust them again.
[ he stands and approaches the gentleman sitting in the row in front of him ]
Male Passenger: Excuse me. Is someone sitting next to you?
[ the gentleman wakes up, pulls down his glasses, then looks at the woman sitting nexto him, then turns back to the male passenger ]
Gentleman: Yeah.
Male Passenger: No. [ he approaches the woman who was sitting behind him ] Pardon me. Is someone sitting next to you?
Woman: Yes.
[ he returns to the original female passenger ]
Male Passenger: Excuse me? Is someone sitting next to you?
Female Passenger: No.
[ having failed to recognize her, he returns to his original seat and sighs ]
Male Passenger: It’s kind of a disappointing trip. Huh?
Jill Clayburgh: Hiiii! [ the audience applauds wildly ] Thank you. Oh, it’s really great to be back here. You know, I hosted this show two years ago, and it was really great fun and we’ve been having a great time doing it this year. And, uh — But, you know, when I saw the repeat of the show that I did last time, I learned a very important lesson. I realized that with, you know, well, with the rehearsal and everything — you know, you’re talking all the time — I didn’t really prepare the opening, you know, this part, as well as I should have done it. You know? The opening — well, it’s important because I can be myself and you can get to know me, and I’m not a character — I dn’t have wigs on, I’m not crazy. And, uh — so it’s important to be prepared for that, I want to make a nice impression, I want you to like me. So before I came back this time, i vowed I would learn my lesson from the last time and PREPARE. Well — uh — I learned another lesson this week. I learned that I didn’t really learn my lesson last time. Otherwise, this opening would be a lot funnier and a lot longer than it’s going to be! So I think I really leanred my lesson this time, and if they ever ask me back, I-I’m gonna really WORK on this opening! HARDER than any other part of the show! I mean, I’m gonna really spend a lot of TIME on it! And, uh, it’ll really be GREAT next time. So, until next time… watch this time… and it’s gonna be long and it’s gonna be funny. And, uh, we’ll be right back, after this message.
Jill Clayburgh: Well, thank you all very much. And the cast and Eddie Money, and, uh, it’s really been — it’s been great being here, and I’m still thinking about that opening for the next time that I come and that I’m on this show. [ an orange is tossed to her from off-camera ] Oh! See, I’m quick, too! So… good night!
[ the cast surrounds Clayburgh on-stage, including a late Dan Aykroyd ]
Announcer: Next Saturday night: Our host will be Christopher Lee, with musical guest Meat Loaf, and Richard Belzer. Until then, this is Don Pardo — or, as I’m know on St. Patrick’s Day: Don O’Pard. Good niiiight.
[ Clayburgh and the cast continue to toss the organge back and forth with someone off-stage ]
[ open in interior, motel room, Student smoking a cigarette in bed ]
Student: You might not believe this, but.. this is the first time I’ve ever done this in a motel. I mean, I just split with my old man, and we were really tight. The only reason I’m here tonight is that I think you’re really.. “special”.
[ Beldar Conehead steps out of the bathroom, and lights up an entire pack of cigarettes ]
Beldar Conehead: “Special”?
[ SUPER: “The Coneheads On Earth” ]
Student: Ye-eah.. Oh, I’ve never been with anyone from France before! [ playing with Beldar’s Sensor Ring ] Hey, what do you call these things again?
Beldar Conehead: Sensor Rings.
Student: Sensor Rings! Yeah! Wow! Well, anyway, they made it really beautiful! I mean.. really different! [ Beldar begins to get dressed ] Hey, what’s happening, Beldar? Are you splitting on me, or what?
Beldar Conehead: Prymaat must not discover that a human has administered the Sensor Rings!
Student: Oh.. Prymaat. I bet that’s your old lady, huh?
Beldar Conehead: Correct! She is my spousal unit, chosen by the larthron spheres of Mypzor!
Student: Yeah, yeah, I had a heavy thing happening with my old man, too. Well, I suppose we’ll see each other at our next driving lesson..
Beldar Conehead: Correct!
Student: [ sighs ] Couldn’t you just make up some old story for your old lady? You know, so we could spend the entire night together? I mean, it’s not such a big risk..
Beldar Conehead: [ jumps up, enraged ] NO, foolish one! Prymaat and I are the Timekeepers of Remulak! We must fulfill our mission to seize and establish your miserable little planet as a minor refueling station for the High Master’s star cruiser! Besides.. if she found out, she’d kill me!
Student: Okay, Beldar, that’s cool. At least let me slip you one before you go. [ Beldar agrees, as she puts the Sensor Ring over his cone ]
[ dissolve to the Conehead Family living room, Prymaat staring at the phone as Connie sits next to her ]
Connie Conehead: Mommy? I wish to consume mass quantities immediately. My human friend will be here soon to take me to a drive-in movie.
Prymaat Conehead: Drive-in movie?
Connie Conehead: Drive-in movie. A two-dimensional life projection of psycho-sexual release beams viewed from inside internal combustion vehicles.
Prymaat Conehead: Ahh! I remember when Beldar would take me to view ignaray formations under the azog pools on Remulak.
Connie Conehead: Yes, yes, I know. You’ve showed me your memory crystals. [stands ] I must go upstairs now and prepare my cone for my date. [ retreats upstairs ]
[ Beldar enters the front door ]
Beldar Conehead: Hello, honey. I’m home. [ silence between them ] What’s for mass consumption?
Prymaat Conehead: What’s this? Can’t you even touch cones when we come home now?
Beldar Conehead: Sorry. [ they touch cones ]
Prymaat Conehead: The pre-designated time coordinates for evening mass consumption has long since passed! Please communicate to me the reason for your delay!
Beldar Conehead: A large meteorite fell from the sky. I stopped to examine it. Yes, that’s it! A large meteorite!
Prymaat Conehead: That’s the third meteorite this month! [ notices his back ] Beldar! The Sensor Rings! [ pulls it from behind his back ] You have removed them from our sleep chamber! Unacceptable!
Beldar Conehead: No!
Prymaat Conehead: There are red markings on your cone! Unacceptable! Unacceptable! You have been with a human! Mip! Mip!
Beldar Conehead: Human?! Sensor Rings?! Mip! Mip!
Prymaat Conehead: Silence! Our young one approaches, she must not know!
Prymaat Conehead: Let us consume mass quantities of your favorite meal! I have prepared it buffet-style.
[ they circle the dining stand ]
Beldar Conehead: Ah! Insect repellent strips and fiberglass insulation. [ eats ] Pass the fiberglass.
Prymaat Conehead: Mip!
Beldar Conehead: You don’t have to bite my cone off!
[ doorbell rings ]
Connie Conehead: Finally, my human date. I am glad he has arrived. [ opens door ] Hi, Ronnie! You have met my parental units.
Ronnie: Hi, Mr. & Mrs. Conehead! We’ve met before. Come on, I’m Ronnie Getsetter.
Beldar Conehead: Good evening! We invite you to consume mass quantities!
Ronnie: What are you having?
Connie Conehead: Petroleum insect strips, fiberglass insulation, and beer.
Ronnie: [ grossed out ] I just ate before I came over, thanks. But Iwill have some of this beer, uh.. if you don’t mind. [ packs up 4 or 5 of the six-packs ] We’re going to the movies, you know? Finally gonna see “Close Encounters”.
Beldar Conehead: “Close Encounters”?
Ronnie: Yeah. It’s a movie about UFOs.
Coneheads: UFOs! [ they laugh ]
Connie Conehead: Well. Good night, parental units.
Ronnie: Gee, thanks for the brewskis! [ they leave ]
Prymaat Conehead: [ sitting ] Beldar.. I understand physical urges. But, of all creatures, why a human? How could you?
Beldar Conehead: I don’t know, Prymaat. Sometimes my cone has a mind of its own, and I behave like a common flabrab!
Prymaat Conehead: Mip! Mip!
[ phone rings ]
Beldar Conehead: [ answers phone ] Greetings! Prymaat? I will summon her. Prymaat.
Prymaat Conehead: I instructed you never to call me here! Mip! Mip!
Beldar Conehead: [ outraged ] Jerry! Mip! You have also been with a human! Mip! Prymaat, we must resist these humans!
Prymaat Conehead: Yes, I agree. We must remember humans are inferior beings, they must not be permitted to interfere with our mission.
Beldar Conehead: Correct! Let us solidify our meetings! Besides, no one gives cone like you!
Prymaat Conehead: [ touching cones ] Beldar, I haven’t heard you talk that way since the Moons of Mipzor. Let’s hone our cones right here on the floor.
Beldar Conehead: I agree!
[ the toss Sensor Rings onto each other cones, as the scene pans out ]
[ SUPER: “Coming Up: Is Electricity Just A Hoax?” ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 3: Episode 14 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
March 18th, 1978 Jill Clayburgh Eddie Money None None Don Novello Tom Schiller Rosie Shuster Alan Zweibel Anne Beatts Marilyn Suzanne Miller Al Franken Garrett Morris sings “Danny Boy”Summary: This time, Garrett Morris writes the jokey scroll that appears on-screen as he sings an Irish ditty.
Montage
Jill Clayburgh’s MonologueSummary: Jill Clayburgh runs short on time while explaining how much more effort she’s going to put into her monologue this time around. First Hosted: 75o. Transcript
Royal Deluxe IISummary: The vehicle that rides smooth enough to allow a rabbi to perform a circumcision in the back seat. Note: Repeat from: 77a.
Olympia CafeSummary: A new waitress (Jill Clayburgh) finds the static menu choices annoying, while a female customer (Jane Curtin) tries to post a benefit sign for two little boys who swallowed a balloon. Recurring Characters: Pete Dionasopolis, George Dionasopolis, Sandy Dionasopolis, Nico Dionasopolis, Mike Dionasopolis. Transcript
Sybil IIISummary: Ditzy psychoanalyst (Jill Clayburgh) thinks three women named Sybil (Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman) are actually one woman with three split personalities. Recurring Characters: Colleen Fernman. Transcript
Bad One-Man TheaterSummary: Leonard Pinth-Garnell (Dan Aykroyd) presents the one-man play “An Evening With…”, which actually consists of five actors performing rambling monologues simultaneously. Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell, Steve Bushakis, Ronnie Bateman.
Eddie Money performs “Baby Hold On”
NutrifixSummary: Mom (Jane Curtin) promotes the breakfast-on-the-go substitute,
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydRecurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Everything’s BlurrySummary: On an airplane, a bespectacled woman (Jill Clayburgh) sits next to a proud man (John Belushi) who refuses to acknowledge his own vision problem. Transcript
Shower MikeSummary: Richard Herkiman (Bill Murray) interrupts his wife, Jane’s (Gilda Radner), shower to help rekindle the relationship of their neighbors Morty (John Belushi) and Judy Coony (Jill Clayburgh). Recurring Characters: Richard Herkiman, Jane Herkiman. Transcript
The Coneheads On EarthSummary: Prymaat (Jane Curtin) is incensed to discover that Beldar (Dan Aykroyd) has been having an affair with one of his driving students (Jill clayburgh). Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead, Ronnie Getsetter. Transcript
Celebrity Crack-UpSummary: Tony Orlando (Bill Murray), Roberty Blake (John Belushi), Richard Pryor (Garrett Morris), and Claudine Longet (Gilda Radner) relate their tales of cracking up to one another. Recurring Characters: Robert Blake, Tony Orlando.
Eddie Money performs “Two Tickets to Paradise”
RelationshipsSummary: Jill Clayburgh sings a song about relationships.
Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd Andy Strauss…..Art Garfunkel
[ open on “Tomorrow” graphics ]
[ dissolve to Tom Snyder ]
Tom Snyder: Hello, everybody. At the outset of tonight’s program, I just — without bringing anybody to town, of course — I just want to relate a personal tragedy that happened in my life, certainly. When we moved out here to Southern California, I expected, of course, to miss all the snow they’re having back east and to the north. Today, I woke up, found my whole car covered from a mudslide due to the torrential rains we’ve been having here in Southern California. So I guess that just proves it — you can take it from ME: The weather is EVERYWHERE!
[ he stubs his cigarette ]
Tom Snyder: Tonight on our show, we’re gonna be dealing with a subject that’s been a considerable concern to people in both legal and medical professions. It’s been getting a LOT of attention in the press lately. I’m talking, of ocurse, about BATTERED HUSBANDS! And, uh — [ he coughs into his hand ] Excuse me. Tonight, we have with us a battered husband, a gentleman who will be calling “Frank”. Franks has asked us not to reveal his real identity or show his face, because — [ he scoffs ] Well, let’s face it — If I were embarrassed of my wife, I’d be a little embarrassed myself! [ he laughs uproariously ] Frank, why don’t you tell us: How the HECK does a guy get to be a battered husband, anyway?
[ reveal “Frank” submerged in the dark ]
Guest: Well, Tom… my first wife beat me fifteen years ago, after she found me… found me masturbating. She, uh, poured boiling water on me and hit me in the face with a baseball bat. Sh-she’s beaten me ever since, and I live in constant terror.
Tom Snyder: Of your life, Sir?
Guest: Yes… but, also, in terror that my friends and neigbors and colleagues at work will discover the humiliating truth that… I-I am a battered husband. You know, I’ve never been able to speak to anyone about this before, and I’m — I’m here today, anonymously, to help other men who are living in this dark, tortured, private hell. I want to show them that there are others who masturbate and cry alone in the dark, out of shame and fear.
Tom Snyder: Okay, Sir, I’ll buy that, Andy! Uh — I’m sorry. “Frank.” [ he chcukles nervously ] Your name’s not Andy, it’s… It’s not Frank, either! It’s neither Frank nor Andy, but whatever your name is, it’s certainly not ANDY! Alright, uh — Andy. Not Andy. Alright — Mr. Strauss. Uh — Sorry! [ he chuckles nervously ] Your name’s not Andy Strauss! I once knew a guy in local radio, his name was Andy Strauss — the name just popped into my head! [ he adjusts himself in his seat ] Now, uh, could you describe your wife, physically?
Guest: I — I’d rather not give any information that could reveal my identity.
Tom Snyder: Well… would it be safe to say that she weighs less than 120 pounds?
Guest: …Yes.
Tom Snyder: And you, Sir, are an able-bodied man. You look to be about 155, 160 pounds. Six feet tall! My question to you, Sir, is: Why the heck don’t you just get up some morning and KICK the living daylights out of her?!
Guest: Well, I’m afraid that she’ll withhold sex.
Tom Snyder: So she’s the type of gal who would use sex as a weapon?
Guest: Well, that’s right… Sometimes she tells me to “go get sex elsewhere.”
Tom Snyder: Well, Frank — do ya’?
Guest: …No.
Tom Snyder: Well, why not?
Guest: I can’t…
Tom Snyder: Well, sir — You’re not an unattractive man. I mean, he’s got nice delicate-looking features, a nice complexion, a birthmark there under your left eye… You mean to say you can’t get some BIMBO to take a roll in yhe hay with ya’?!
Guest: Well… the problem is, I’m impotent with women other than my wife.
Tom Snyder: Okay, let’s see if we’ve got this straight here: I’m the owner of a Strauss Construction machinery dealership in Bennington, Vermont… I’m sorry — You’re not from Bennington, Vermont, it’s another town entirely… And you’re in the construction machinery business, and, Frank, you’re regularly beaten by your wife. We’ve established that. And husband-beating is a very serious thing. This is serious. We’re not fooling around here. FRank had some pictures, which he showed me, and I took the liberty of having one blown up. [ he holds up a photo ] He’s SO battered here, you’d NEVER recognize him…
Guest: Wait! That’s my face! They’ll see my face! [ he jolts out of the darkness to cover his photo, revealing his face anyway ]
Tom Snyder: They’re seeing your face right now!
[ Frank covers his face ashamedly ]
Tom Snyder: You should have just sat there in the dark! I told you! You’ve blown it now! We might as well call you Andy — What the heck, the cat’s out of the bag! It’s all for the best, I guess. Ladies and gentlemen, in case you don’t know what’s going on here, we’ve been talking to Andy Strauss. He runs a Strauss Construction machinery dealership in Bennington, Vermont, with his brother Paul. He’s afraid if his wife, he cries in the dark, and he’s a battered masturbator! That’s about it, thank you very much. You’re welcome to come back ANY TIME, any time at all.
Guest: [ crying ] You’ve RUINED my life!
Tom Snyder: Well… sure, I guess I’ve ruined your life. Fair enough, I’ll buy that, Andy. [ Andy crawls off the set ] Ladies and gentlemen — Good night! We’ll see you tomorrow on the show! tune in, I’m gonna be talking about my eyebrows — I’m losing my eyebrows, and I want to talk a little bit about that. Thank you, everybody.
[ camera pulls up into audience, zooms in on woman with SUPER: “Overdrawn At Memory Bank” ]
]]>
Air Date:
John Belushi’s New Name
Summary: After being slated to take over “Grizzly Adams”, the network forces John Belushi to change his name to “Kevin Scott”.
Summary: Christopher Lee shows off the trailers for his rejected horror films: “The Island Of Lost Luggage”; “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave”, starring John Belushi; and “Dr. Jekyll And Mister Rogers”, starring Vincent Price (Dan Aykroyd).
Summary: Henry Higgins (Christopher Lee) attempts to teach Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner) how to pronounce her R’s.
Also Performs: 81g.
Summary: Kevin Scott (John Belushi) rants about a recent supertanker oil spill. Bill Murray makes his Oscar picks.
Transcript
Recurring Characters: Anwar Sadat.
Summary: With help from Maureen Dean (Jane Curtin), a vampire hunter (Christopher Lee) sets out to kill Richard Nixon’s (Dan Aykroyd) memoirs.
Summary: When “Mr. Bill Goes To The Circus”, his arm is decapitated by helium balloons and he is shot out of a cannon by Ringmaster Sluggo.
Transcript
Summary: This time, Garrett Morris writes the jokey scroll that appears on-screen as he sings an Irish ditty.
Summary: The vehicle that rides smooth enough to allow a rabbi to perform a circumcision in the back seat.
Summary: Leonard Pinth-Garnell (Dan Aykroyd) presents the one-man play “An Evening With…”, which actually consists of five actors performing rambling monologues simultaneously.
Summary: Mom (Jane Curtin) promotes the breakfast-on-the-go substitute,
Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Summary: Tony Orlando (Bill Murray), Roberty Blake (John Belushi), Richard Pryor (Garrett Morris), and Claudine Longet (Gilda Radner) relate their tales of cracking up to one another.
Summary: Jill Clayburgh sings a song about relationships.
