[ open on Grandfather sitting in armchair in front of chessboard and telephone ]
Grandfather: You know, when my grandson Timmy moved to New York, I was afraid it was going to canncel our Tuesday night game, but I was wrong. The phone company saw to that. By making long distance calls after eleven o’clock, you can speak coast-to-coast for just a few pennies. It’s quite a convenience. The calls are cheap, and we get to play chess..
[ pause, as he checks watch and looks at phone ]
You know kids: he’s probably out playing with his little friends and has lost track of the time. He calls me “Gramps”, and I call him “Sport”. We’re like pals. He says I’m his best friend..
[ long pause, checks watch twice and laughs nervously ]
you know, it’s real nice of the phone company to do this. I only get to see Timmy during the holidays. I bought a watch for him this Christmas. Has all those contraptions in it. He was so excited, he forgot to thank me. It cost $800. But he’s worth it..[ longer pause, he checks watch and looks at phone ]
I have this heart condition. Something to do with fatty tissue building up. I should be getting to bed soon. Doctor’s orders. But not ’til my timmy calls..
[ checks watch and phone ]
Personally, I think he’s an idiot! For a while, we thought there was something wrong with him, but the doctor said he would be okay if left to progress at his own speed..
[ quickly checks watch and phone ]
Ah, what the hell. He’s got no friends, except for me and the kids who hang around him because he’s got a great watch. The watchthat I bought him. for $800..
[ checks phone, watch ]
I hate Timmy! I hope he dies! Wouldn’t that be great? He’d probably go to hell! I’m sure he hocked the watch I gave him. He hocked it. Hocked it, then raped the woman who owns the pawn shop.
[ phone rings, Grandfather answers it ]
Hello?
Boy’s Voice On Phone: KIng’s knight to king’s knight four, Grandpa.
Grandfather: You sure you want to do that? Okay, Sport! I’ll speak to you next Tuesday.
[ Grandfather hangs up, makes the move on the chessboard, then reacts to the move ]
[ SUPER: “The Phone Company” ]
Announcer: Long Distance keeps you in touch with those you love most.
[Applause and squeals of delight. A spotlight findsKaufman as he enters, in character as Foreign Man,carrying a suitcase and wearing a pale pink jacket,white shirt, necktie, dark pants and shoes. A band ofmusicians stands in the background. A microphone standand a stool await him at home base. He places thesuitcase on the stool and opens it, making sure thatit is centered on the stool properly, then turns andwalks directly to the microphone. He hesitates for amoment, then speaks quietly and awkwardly with an odd,high-pitched accent.]
Foreign Man: There was two penguins on de pieceof ice. And they love each other very much. So, eh,one – one day de ice is broken. [By now, the lightshave gone down – Foreign Man is now spotlit on adarkened stage] And so the two penguins cry — theyare crying — because they never to see each otheragain. So they go away, you know, away from eachother. And one day, they– to see each other. So theyget closer and closer. And one of them say: [holds hisnose, imitates a penguin incomprehensibly — but itsounds like he’s saying something like:] “Big Boy fordinner.” [returns to his “Foreign Man” voice] Youknow? Because they never see each other again! [looksat audience happily as if expecting them to laugh]Thenk you veddy much. [Applause. Foreign Man bows tothe audience.]
Right now, I would like to do some eemitations foryou. So, first, I would like to imitate MeesterCarter, de President of de United States. [in the samevoice] “Hello, I am Meester Carter, de President of deUnited States.” Thenk you veddy much. [Applause.Foreign Man bows to the audience.] Thenk you veddymuch.
Now, I would like to imitate, eh, my, eh, Aunt Esther.[in the same voice] “You come into the house rightnow! Put – put on your coat and – and eat everythingis on your plate!” Thenk you veddy much. [Applause.Foreign Man bows to the audience.]
And now, last — but not to be the least — I will -would like to imitate the Elvis Presley.
[Scattered applause and cheers as Kaufman steps awayfrom the microphone and turns his back to theaudience. We hear the music of “Also SprachZarathustra” — also known as the Theme from “2001: ASpace Odyssey” — which opened most Elvis concerts ofthe 1970s. Kaufman removes two dark strips from hispants to reveal studded rhinestones running up anddown the outer legs. He puts the strips in the opensuitcase beside him. He removes his necktie and falseshirt front and dumps them in the suitcase. He takesoff his pink jacket to reveal that he is wearing ablack Elvis-style jumpsuit with a bejeweled vest. Heplaces the jacket in the suitcase and takes out a combwith which he styles his hair. He returns the comb andtakes out a hair brush. More grooming. He returns thebrush and uses the comb again. Another spotlight hascome up and we catch a glimpse of an acoustic guitarstanding ready at one side (opposite the suitcase).Kaufman returns the comb to the suitcase, grabs theguitar and straps it on as a heavenly light shinesdown from above and the 2001 Theme reaches its climax.Kaufman adjusts his wide white collar.
The theme ends and the thundering drumbeat thatusually heralded Presley’s entrance at 1970s concertscomes crashing in. We see a close-up of the back ofKaufman’s head. He starts shaking to the rhythm. Heturns his face to the camera — a classic Elvis sneeron his lips. Applause and laughter. Kaufman is in fullElvis mode as he turns around completely, shaking hislegs, waving to the audience (some of whom areshrieking), prowling the stage lasciviously. All traceof Foreign Man has vanished. Elvis bows, posesprovocatively with the guitar, approaches themicrophone and starts pumping it in time with themusic, sneering and making other “Elvis faces” untilthe music ends. Elvis bows to much applause. When theapplause dies down, Elvis pauses and then leans intothe microphone.]
Elvis: [imitation of Presley’s deep-throateddrawl] Thank you very much.
[With a nod of his head, Elvis signals to the bandbehind him. The pianist plays and Elvis sings his 1956hit ballad “Love Me” — words and music by JerryLeiber and Mike Stoller — and the rest of the bandjoins in.]
Treat me like a fool Treat me mean and cruel But love me Wring my faithful heart Tear it all apart But love me
[Hiccups, Elvis-style. The crowd laughs.]
If you ever go Darling, I’ll be, oh, so lonely I’ll be sad and blue Crying over you, dear only.
[Stutters, Elvis-style. The crowd laughs.]
I would beg and steal Just to feel your heart Beating close to mine
[Makes a funky Elvis move. The crowd laughs.]
If you ever go Darling, I’ll be, oh, so lonely Beggin’ on knees All I ask is please, please love me Oh yeah
[Cheers and applause. Band finishes song on Elvis’signal. Elvis removes guitar and poses with it, armsoutstretched, then places guitar back on its stand,lifts arms and wiggles his hips, and does a few moregoofy Elvis poses before speaking into themicrophone.]
Elvis: All right, thank you very much. You canall just stare at me while I catch my breath. I’d liketo do one of my biggest records for you. Course, allof them are the same size. One of the first songs Iever recorded, back in nineteen … twenty-seven, Ithink it was. Went somethin’ like this. [leg startsshaking, looks down at leg] Wait a minute, wait aminute. [lip starts twitching] Somethin’ wrong with mylip. [lip twitches into a sneer, Elvis suddenlylaunches into his 1956 hit rocker “Blue Suede Shoes”– words and music by Carl Perkins.]
Well, it’s one for the money Two for the show
[Elvis takes his microphone off the stand, sets thestand to one side of stage – the crowd claps along tothe beat.]
Three to get ready Now go, cat, go But don’t you Step on my blue suede shoes Well, you can do anything But lay off of my blue suede shoes
Let’s go, cats!
[Band plays instrumental break, Elvis dances aroundthe stage, women in crowd shriek]
It’s one for the money Two for the show Three to get ready Now go, go, go But don’t you step on my blue suede shoes Well, you can do anything But lay off of my blue suede shoes
Well, it’s a blue blue blue suede shoes Blue blue blue suede shoes Yeah! Blue blue blue suede shoes Baby! Blue blue blue suede shoes You can do anything But lay off of my blue suede shoes.
All right!
[Applause. Elvis jumps up and down, windmilling hisarm. The band crashes to a halt as he goes down on oneknee. Elvis rises, acknowledges the applause, cheers,whistles, returns the microphone to its stand, raisesboth arms and makes the “I Love You” sign with hishands, then whips off his bejeweled vest, whirls itaround his head and tosses it to the crowd. Then hereturns the mike stand to center stage, adjusts themike, licks his lips, slightly out of breath. And,astonishingly, reverts completely to ForeignMan:]
Foreign Man: [hesitantly] Thenk you veddy much.[huge gust of laughter and applause from the startledaudience – after a pause, very politely] Could Iplease have my – my thing back?
[Foreign Man walks to edge of stage and awkwardlytries to retrieve his vest. Someone hands it to himand he backs away nervously, acknowledging theapplause as we fade out.]
[Ralph Nader stands at home base, flanked by LaraineNewman and Gilda Radner. Jane Curtin and Bill Murrayare visible in the background.]
Ralph Nader: Well, it’s been a fun evening. Notan easy evening. Uh, biting humor. [suddenly laughsmaniacally, to the amusement of the cast] Take that,Tom Snyder! And thank you all very much! Good sport!Thank you for the cast.
Laraine Newman: [waves into camera] Good night,John!
Gilda Radner: Good night, John!
Ralph Nader: [waves into camera] John Belushi,get well!
Gilda Radner: Yeah!
Ralph Nader: Don’t defy the laws ofgravity!
[We pull back some more to reveal that the five areflanked by Garrett Morris who is eating peanuts andmusical guest George Benson.]
Garrett Morris: Break a leg, John!
Ralph Nader: [picks up cardboard box of peanutsand starts tossing them in the air] Have somepeanuts!
Gilda Radner: Good night, everybody!
Ralph Nader: Peanuts! Peanuts!
[The closing theme kicks in. The cast throws peanutsinto the crowd. George Benson, all but ignored, waves.The camera pulls back and away to reveal theapplauding audience.]
Don Pardo V/O: Joining tonight’s cast was BillMurray. Next Saturday Night, our host will be RuthGordon with musical guest Chuck Berry. This is yourold consumer, Don Pardo — I don’t care what RalphNader says — on the way home, I’m gonna consume a hotdog! I love rodent hairs! Goodnight.
Warden: Hi. Welcome to Lubbock State Penitentiary. I’m Warden Roy Groomis.. and welcome to the first local televised execution of convicted mass murderer Dean Slydell. Hi, Dean. How are you doing tonight?
Murderer: Well.. I guess I am a little nervous, Warden. It’s my first time.
Warden: Dean.. tell us why you are in the chair tonight.
Murderer: Okay, Warden. Well, I guess it all started when I was a kid..
Warden: Don’t take too long, Dean.. we don’t have too much air time.
Murderer: Okay. I stabbed – or took part in the stabbing of – 29 bank employees.
Warden: Fine. Thank you. Now, a little bit about the chair itself. It’s a beauty, folks. The chair is a custom-built Mainway Fry King, delivering 25,000 volts AC output at 2 amps boosted to 10 amps at point of execution.
Murderer: Say.. that’s a lot.. of juice, Warden!
Warden: Well, it’s not that we’ll ever need that much.. but it’s there if we need it.
Director: [ off-screen ] Cut!! Cut!! [ runs into scene ] Make-up, can you get in here, please! Sorry, fellas. Dean! Honey, having a little bit of trouble with your face, you’ve got an angry nose shadow. Can you get that, Francis? You’re perfect, you’re perfect! Okay, you got a good face, Phil, I want to see your face. Okay, lights! Phil! Please, baby! Throw a K-84 in this scrim on Deano’s face here, please – he’s looking like a hubcap on a ’56 Chevy, huh? You’re striving, baby, come on! [ beats on electro-headcover like a set of drums ] Okay! What’s going on here? You know, we gotta get a mood here, you know? I’m sorry, baby. Uh.. Dean! you’re going to fry, okay? You’re going to die, alright? Will you let us see what that feels like? What happens when you think about that, okay? Just show the people, okay? Beautiful! Alright, Props! Willie! [ Prop Man enters ] Hey, Animal.. come here, baby! Alright! Alright! I want to see the Governor’s phone in this shot, okay? Will you get it in here? Even if you have to cheat it, use a still, will you, Animal? Okay, where is my priest! Where in the hell is the guy?
Assistant: Right here, Jim! [ pushes Priest into the shot ]
Director: A black priest in Texas – terrific. It will not work! Take him, take him, take him, get away from me, get away from me, get away from me! Go talk to Ferguson, I’m sorry! Okay. Alright, Warden, excuse me. You know what we need here? We need a little bit of warmth. Now, you know the guy, okay? Now, how long you been on Death Row now, maybe seven, eight years..
Warden: Seven years, two months.
Director: Seven years, two months. Okay. Now, I want you to put your arm around him, okay? Can we get this? [ Warden and Murderer wrap arms around one another ] Oh, that is perfecto! Perfecto! Isn’t it a little more warm? Everybody! Order! Okay, good, good, good! Okay, alright, let’s pick it up from the last part – your speech about the chair, Warden! Okay? Ready? Quiet, please! and.. action! [ exits scene ]
Warden: ..25,000 volts AC output at 2 amps boosted to 10 amps at point of execution.
Murderer: Say.. that’s a lot of.. [ screams ]
Director: [ off-screen ] Cut! Cut! Cards! [ enters scene ] Al! Will you look at this now, he’s showing the last card. Great! That’s for tomorrow, you banana-brain – get outta here! Oh.. Okay, I’m sorry.. talk about bringing you down prematurely. Okay, everybody, that is a wrap, okay, people? Thank you! Deano, get some sleep, huh? You’ve got some circles here under the eyes, we want you to look terrific on Wednesday, okay? Madeline, will you give them their calls? Tomorrow, everybody! Peace!
Assistant: Okay, Dean, we’ll pick you up tomorrow morning on Death Row at 7:30.. and, Warden-
Warden: I can get here myself, I’ve got my own car.
Assistant: Okay.
Director: Wardem, Warden, may I say that it’s getting a terrific reaction on the set, and they are the toughest audience. I can say that. Let’s get some coffee or something – come on!
[Consumer advocate Ralph Nader sits in his apartmentreading a magazine. On the sofa beside him is a blondeinflatable party doll. In a nearby chair, facing awayfrom him is a brunette party doll. The doorbell rings.Nader rises and answers the door to reveal Burt, ajournalist.]
Burt Ingersoll: Mr. Nader?
Ralph Nader: Call me “Ralph.”
Burt Ingersoll: [shakes hands] Hi! I’m BurtIngersoll of Changing Times magazine and it’s so goodof you to give us this interview, man.
Ralph Nader: Come on in, Burt! Let me take yourcoat. [takes coat]
Burt Ingersoll: Yeah, better close your doorthere. You better close your door there.
Ralph Nader: Oh, yeah. [shuts the door] Draft!Energy waste! … [Burt stares at party doll, thensits next to it on sofa as Nader hangs up coat, thenintroduces the blonde doll to Burt] Burt, I’d like tointroduce you to, uh, to Pam. [gestures to thebrunette doll which sits backward in the nearby chair]And I’d like to introduce you to Rita. Rita’s beennaughty this afternoon so she has to sit backwards…. Would you, uh, would you like a drink?
Burt Ingersoll: [playing it cool] Whatever yougot. And straight up.
Ralph Nader: You understand, uh, these dollsare all part of some experiments I’m running. [to theblonde doll] Uh, how ’bout a drink for you, Pam?[nods] Mm hm. [walks off to fix the drinks]
Burt Ingersoll: [glancing at the dollsuncertainly] Uh … Are you, uh, testing these dolls,uh, Mr. Nader?
Ralph Nader: Of course I’m testing these dolls![returns with drinks and sits on sofa as Burt takesnotes] I’m testing them for flame retardance. I’mtesting them for defective seams. Uh, testing them foruniform air pressure. Surface irregularities, qualitycontrol, color retention, pigment toxicity, uh,effusion rates, convection rates, uh– Here’s yourglass of wine. [hands Burt a glass] I get so excited.And here’s your sweet vermouth, Pam. [throws the drinkin her face – close view of Pam’s wet face] … [Burtstares, Nader explains] That, for instance, was atest. For high impact moisture resistance. … Yousee, I hope to explore areas of consumer protectionwhich have hitherto been ignored for reasons of tasteor public indifference.
Burt Ingersoll: Ah! And you chose inflatableparty dolls.
Ralph Nader: Exactly. What could be morenatural than to extend my investigation of air bags toinflatable party dolls?
Ralph Nader: [to Burt] Excuse me. [to thebrunette doll, as if talking to a wayward child] Ritahad better sit up straighter. [rises and puts athreatening hand on the brunette doll as he speaks toit] Do you know what happened to Yvonne? Yvonne gotnailed to the door. Yvonne failed the nail test,didn’t she?
Burt Ingersoll: Uh uh, uh – you – you – you say- you say – failed the nail test?
Ralph Nader: [returns to sofa] I’m sure yourealize “the nail test” is a code name for certainanalytic procedures, uh, to examine possibilities ofrupture in vinyl-related substances.
Burt Ingersoll: Uh huh.
Ralph Nader: I plan to publish the results ofthese tests next year in a book called “Party Dolls:Turn-On or Rip-Off?” … Can I get you anotherdrink?
Burt Ingersoll: No, thank you.
Ralph Nader: [holds up empty glass to theblonde doll] Pam? A refill? Say, why don’t you showBurt your music box, Pam? [to Burt] I bought Pam amusic box for her birthday.
Burt Ingersoll: You don’t say? …
Ralph Nader: Burt, you have no idea howexhausting these tests are. I have to dress andundress them every day, brush their little teeth,paint their little nails. Of course, it used to beworse — [pointedly, to the brunette] — before Vickifailed the lawn mower test.
Burt Ingersoll: Wa – wa – wa – wa- wait.[rises, in disbelief] Uh, she failed the – the lawnmower test? That’s what she–?
Ralph Nader: [pointedly, to the brunette] Maybenow Miss Balloon Head will be ready to eat herspaghetti!
Burt Ingersoll: [shaken] Ah, hey, on secondthought, man, I’ll have that drink and I’ll go get itmyself. [fetches himself a much needed drink, thenreturns to stand near the sofa as Nader rises andinspects the brunette] Yes. Ha!
Ralph Nader: Listen, I’m sorry to cut thisinterview short, Burt. I think Rita is beginning toleak.
Burt Ingersoll: Hey, uh, you mean you pump herup, huh?
Ralph Nader: Not today. I have a yeastinfection.
Burt Ingersoll: Mm hm.
[Applause. Burt downs his drink. We cut to a widerview of the set, the cameras, the mikes, the crowd,etc., as Burt grabs his coat and hurriedly exits. Aswe pull back, we hear the 1957 pop hit “Party Doll”and see Gilda Radner ready herself on a nearby stageto introduce tonight’s film. After a brief glimpse ofthe balcony crowd, we dissolve to a close shot ofGilda.]
Gilda Radner: [glancing over her shoulder, thensmiling into the camera] Oh, ah, and now, here’s thisweek’s film by Gary Weis!
[More applause as we fade out. The film is “Garbage”which first appeared on SNL the previous season. Afterthe film, we zoom in on a guy in the applaudingaudience. SUPER: USED HIROHITO’S TOOTHBRUSH]
[ Beldar Conehead enters, dressed in a winter coat over a three-piece suit with a small silver cape over the jacket, and a loose-fitting stocking cap over his head. ]
Beldar Conehead: Honey, I’m home. [ removes stocking cap to reveal a cone-shaped head ]
[ SUPER: “The Coneheads At Home” ]
Prymaat Conehead: [ enters living room ] Oh, hello, dear, you’re late. I’ll put the food into the heat.
Beldar Conehead: Yes, I’m sorry I’m late. The commuter trains were severely affected by the snow.
Prymaat Conehead: Oh well, I’m happy that you were able to arrive safely. I am engaged in preparing your favorite meal, small starch tubes combined with lactate extract of hooved mammals.
Beldar Conehead: Ah. You mean macaroni and cheese. I’m sure we will enjoy it. [ sits on couch to read paper, as Connie enters house wearing a blonde wig ]
Connie Conehead: Hi Mom, hi Dad.
Prymaat Conehead: Hello, my young one. how was school today?
Connie Conehead: [ tears off the wig, unzips snowsuit ] This wig was ineffective. The kids at school know that I am different from them.. it’s really bugging me. They want to know where I come from. Daddy, where do we come from?
Beldar Conehead: France! Just keep telling them you come from France!
Connie Conehead: No way, Dad! I’e found that to be an inadequate response!
Prymaat Conehead: Dear, I think the time has come to tell the young one the story of our family.
Beldar Conehead: No,I do not agree.
Prymaat Conehead: You must tell her now.. she must know.
Connie Conehead: Please inform me. A guy asked me out for a date in gym class this afternoon. I must prepare.
Beldar Conehead: Very well, the time has come for you to know. I am Beldar, this is Prymaat. We are emissaries from the planet Remulak, which is located many light years outside of this solar system. Twenty Earth years ago, the five high Masters of Remulak dispatched a fleet of Starcruisers to this solar system.
Connie Conehead: Starcruisers?
Beldar Conehead: Metallic discs powered by an anti-gravity field reactor.
Prymaat Conehead: A flying saucer, dear.
Connie Conehead: Aw, c’mon, you guys! There’s no such thing as flying saucers.
Beldar Conehead: Your mother and I were instructed to pilot our machine to Earth, seize all major centers of radio and television communication, and inform the people of the Earth that we of the planet Remulak were taking over their world.
Prymaat Conehead: Your father was to make it clear to the Earth people that the two of us were to be called the Timekeepers, that we would remain here for seven centuries, that we were to end all wars, that Earth weapons were useless against us, and that we would destroy them if they did not follow our instructions.
Connie Conehead: I ask you: what happened?
Beldar Conehead: I lost the speech I was to make. I had a speech: “People of Earth, I am the Timekeeper from the planet Remulak, your weapons are useless against us..” I lost the rest of it, the instructions, times, dates, places, the orders for the U.N..
Connie Conehead: But what became of your flying saucer?
Prymaat Conehead: It’s at the bottom of Lake Michigan.
Beldar Conehead: Your mother was at the control panel.
Prymaat Conehead: No, it was you who was guiding us.
Beldar Conehead: No, my dear, you were responsible for the control indices.
Connie Conehead: But did your planet not send a rescue ship for you?
Prymaat Conehead: No. Our planet cut back on their space program. So I got a job here as a driving instructor.
Prymaat Conehead: In order to seem less obvious on Earth, we took the names Fred and Joyce Conehead.
Beldar Conehead: Then you were born, and when your little cone was shown to us, we knew that we had no choice but to stay. We named you Connie.
Prymaat Conehead: And, besides, the schools are better here.
Beldar Conehead: I took out a mortgage on the house. Your mother joined a few clubs. Perhaps one day the High Masters of our planet will dispatch a fleet of rescue ships.
Prymaat Conehead: But until then, just do all your homework and tell everyone we come from France.
[ the doorbell rings ]
Connie Conehead: My date is here. I must prepare my cone.
[ Connie exits upstairs, as Beldar and Prymaat answer the door to ski bum Ronnie ]
Ronnie: Mr. and Mrs. Conehead?
Beldar Conehead: Yes.
Ronnie: Hi. I’m Ronnie Guestsetter. Is Connie here?
Beldar Conehead: Enter. We were expecting you.
Ronnie: Hey, great.. I think I might be here a little early.
Prymaat Conehead: Please enter and sit down. Would you like some beer and potato chips?
Ronnie: [ sits down at couch ] Hey, that’d be great, terrfic!
Beldar Conehead: So, what mode of vehicle brought you here tonight?
Ronnie: Huh? Uh.. my father lent me one of his tow trucks.
[ Prymaat brings in the refreshments on a stainless steel surgical assist cart, loaded with six-packs of beer and large bags of potato chips ]
Beldar Conehead: Ah. Potato chips and beer. We invite you to consume freely.
[ Ronnie pops open a beer, as Belda and Prymaat consume potato chips and beer at a faster rate than any human could; Connie re-enters, with earmuffs over her cone ]
Connie Conehead: Hi, Ronnie.
Ronnie: Hi, Connie. You look great. I heard you made captain of the high-diving team.
Connie Conehead: Yes. I see you have met my parental units.
Ronnie: Yeah.. Hey, your folks really know how to put away the brew! Are you ready to go?
Connie Conehead: Yes. Good night, parents. [ buzz sound effect as she touches fingers with Beldar ] I will remember all you have told me.
Beldar Conehead: Have a good time.. guide your vehicle carefully. The snow has negatively affected road factors.
Prymaat Conehead: Return at the time coordinates we have previously agreed upon; do not be late.
Ronnie: Okay. Hey, thanks for the brew, Mr. and Mrs. Conehead. I’ll take good care of Connie.
[ the teens exit ]
Beldar Conehead: Well. Shall we play some Ring Toss before dinner?
Prymaat Conehead: Yes. That would be pleasurable.
[ they each pick up a furry Sensor Ring, and toss them onto each other’s coneheads, sighing with pleasure as they make direct contact ]
… Ralph Nader Miss Green … Gilda Radner Jimmy Carter …. Dan Aykroyd
[Seated at the desk in his office, consumer advocateRalph Nader confers with his secretary.]
Ralph Nader: All right, Miss Green, what timeis my flight to Plains?
Miss Green: Ah, five o’clock. Now, that’s intwo hours. Now, Mr. Nader, how long are you going tobe there?
Ralph Nader: That depends on whether he’sinterested in what I have to say.
Miss Green: Mm hm.
Ralph Nader: Did you have my other dark suitcleaned?
Miss Green: Oh, yes, sir. I cleaned your othersuit and your tie.
Ralph Nader: Okay, I’m going to sleep for acouple of hours. Wake me up when it’s time togo.
Miss Green: All right, yes, Mr. Nader.
[Miss Green exits as Nader leans back in his chair andbuckles himself into it with an over-the-shouldersafety belt. Eyes closed, he shakes his head sadly andtalks to himself:]
Ralph Nader: Ah, Carter. What a cabinet. Iwonder if he really cares what I think – now that theelection is over.
[Nader drifts off to sleep. Ethereal harp music andout-of-focus camera indicate that Nader is dreaming.Dissolve to Nader’s dream: a pair of hands peels andapplies a decal of the Seal of the the President ofthe United States to a briefcase. We pull back toreveal that the hands are those of President-electJimmy Carter. Carter sets the briefcase out of view.In the background, a sign reads: PEANUT WAREHOUSE /NO. 1 / PLAINS, GA. There is a knock at the door.Carter tosses away the decal peelings and sits at adesk.]
Jimmy Carter: [calls out] Come in!
[We hear a door open and close. Carter smiles andrises as Nader enters.]
Jimmy Carter: Oh, Ralph! It’s very nice to seeya.
Ralph Nader: [shaking hands] How areya?
Jimmy Carter: Just fine. Whyn’t you sit down?Want some, uh, peanuts?
[The men sit at Carter’s desk upon which is a pile ofunshelled peanuts. Nader takes a handful.]
Ralph Nader: I hope you’re sincere, Jimmy. I’vebeen quite critical of you lately.
Jimmy Carter: Well, I – I wanna explain to ya,Ralph that I chose my cabinet to placate theconservatives. Once I assume the role of president,I’ll be ready to implement my idealistic changes andI’ll – well, I’m glad you’re here because I want youto tell me exactly what you want me to do when Ibecome president. Go ahead, I’m all ears. [grinsbroadly]
Ralph Nader: Okay, okay, I’m delighted. Firstof all, you should call a moratorium on nuclearenergy.
Jimmy Carter: [nods] Okay. I guess you’reright. Now that you mention it, nuclear energy reallyis a – a doomsday technology. You got it. No problem.[starts making notes with a pencil]
Ralph Nader: Can you introduce a CorporateAccountability Act? Tougher anti-pollution laws?
Jimmy Carter: Brilliant. Wonderful. I’ll do it.Definitely. [makes more notes]
Ralph Nader: And if you could promote and signour bill, S-1234 to form a national consumers’cooperative bank to help finance small business andhelp give consumers sovereignty in themarketplace–
Jimmy Carter: Some of our cabinet members arereally gonna flip.
Ralph Nader: And how ’bout a Whistleblowers Actto protect people like Ernie Fitzgerald who blew thewhistle on Pentagon waste?
Jimmy Carter: Okay. You got it. Definitely.[more notes] You’ve been doin’ some good talkin’.Everything you mention is positive, dynamiclegislation. I’ll give you my word I’ll do everythingin my scope of influence to make sure that it’senacted. [shakes Nader’s hand]
Ralph Nader: That’s wonderful, Jimmy. It’sabout time this country had somebody with your couragein the Oval Office.
Jimmy Carter: You can count on it, Ralph. Say,uh, just so long as you’re here, um, uh, why don’tyou, uh, take a look at some of my plans for myinauguration? [rises, walks out of view]
Ralph Nader: Terrific. Since I’m not invited,I’d love to see what kind of inauguration you’re gonnahave.
Jimmy Carter: [from off screen] I’m gonna tellya, Ralph, this is gonna be the greatest party thisunion has ever seen. [clears throat, returns in grayConfederate army uniform, whips out sword, “Dixie”plays in background] My people have been waiting ahundred and ten years … [Nader is stunned] … forthis triumphal march of the Confederacy to Washington.Finally, the flagrant rape of the Confederacy by theYankee war dogs is gonna be avenged. …
[moves aside a red drape on the wall behind him toreveal a map of the U.S. dotted with symbols ofplanes, tanks, etc.] On Wednesday night, the FifthDivision of the Georgia National Guard … – that is,the Lillian Carter wing – in tanks and armoredpersonnel carriers, rolls north through the Carolinas.It splits here at Raleigh into a pincer-claw, to becomplemented by the George Wallace Tactical Air Wingof the Confederate Air Force. … The 20th ArmoredGroup, led by five-time NASCAR winner Cale Yarborough… will roll through Kentucky and West Virginia on tobattle emplacements here on the Shenandoah River.
Ralph, they whipped us bad at Raleigh — and atVicksburg and Memphis and Shiloh and Appomattox. Doyou know that Sherman ran a swath through Georgiafifty miles wide? Fifty miles of the choicest, mostbeautiful peanut country in the Confederacy. … Onthe night of the 20th, the Tactical Assault Brigade ofthe Greg Allman Land-Sea Brigade will seize and burnWashington. The zero-based budgeting I have proposedwill help me revalidate Confederate currency. [letsout with a rebel yell] YAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
And you, Ralph Nader, the best consumer advocate inthe world — I want you workin’ with me. I have anoffice set up in Plains for ya. My men’ll take youover there now. It’s time for you to go, Ralph. Timefor you to go. Time for you to go. Time–
[Harp music as the dream ends and we dissolve back toNader’s office. His secretary wakes him.]
Miss Green: Mr. Nader, Mr. Nader, it’s time foryou to go. Oh, Mr. Nader, were you having adream?
Ralph Nader: Yeah. I guess so. I was dreamin’.[looks at his desk] But – where did all these peanutscome from?
[Nader’s desk is covered by unshelled peanuts. Hepicks some up and lets them spill from his hands asthe secretary looks on in surprise. Dramatic music andapplause as we pan up from the office set to theaudience and zoom in for a close view of a young man.SUPER: TENNIS COURT JESTER — He grins, flashes apeace sign and gets a supportive pat on the shoulderfrom a fellow audience member.]
[Despite her pronounced speech impediment, broadcastjournalist Baba Wawa sits in an easy chair andaddresses the camera.]
Baba Wawa: Hewwo! This is Baba Wawa! … I’mspeaking to you tonight from my home which you all sawon my wast special and weawwy wiked awot — wemember?… We took a wittle tour of my pwace and you got tosee some of my weawwy intewesting personal bewongings– wike a miwwow, a cwock, and a wittle wump of coal…. Pwetty engwossing. I thought so, too. That’s why,for my next special, instead of wasting time withextwaneous pewsonalities wike the Pwesident of theUnited States, the whole show’s going to be about onetewwific pewson who I weawwy wespect — me!…
Instead of talking to cewebwities, I’ll be talking tomyself. It’ll be fwee, fwank, weal and weveawing. …I’ll be taking you back to my apartment and you’llhave a ware opportunity to see some of my favowitetwinkets, incwuding my wings, my wugs, my dwapes, mypwants, my wecords, my wipsticks and my twue waisond’etwa. … Also – also, my wange, my wadiator, mywadio, my wecord pwayer, my waincoat, my nasalaspiwator, and my best fwiend, Wita Taywor….
Now, a wot of people thought my wast pwogwam waspwetty cwummy. Well, this one’s twuwy cwammed withcwever wevewations, wapport and wepartee. … So tunein to “Baba Wawa Talks to Herself.” It should bepwetty tewwific. …
[Applause and a SUPER that reads BABA WAWA TALKS TOHERSELF as we pull back and fade out.]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 2: Episode 11 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
January 15th, 1977 Ralph Nader George Benson Andy Kaufman None Al Franken Tom Schiller Mitchell Laurance Neil Levy
Ralph’s New ImageSummary: Ralph Nader shows up at Studio 8H ready to cut loose and have a good time, even in spite of various safety harzards he encounters while having his make-up applied. Transcript
MontageNote: Bill Murray’s first episode.
Ralph Nader’s MonologueSummary: Ralph Nader experiences technical difficulties after he discusses some of RCA’s wrongdoings. Transcript
Long DistanceSummary: Chess-loving grandfather (Bill Murray) badmouthes his ingrate grandson while waiting for his call. Transcript
Televised Execution RehearsalSummary: A manic director (Bill Murray) runs through the dress rehearsal for the televised execution of convincted murderer, Dean Slydell (Tom Schiller). Transcript
Baba Wawa Talks to HerselfSummary: Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner) promotes her upcoming special, in which she only talks to herself. Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters. Transcript
George Benson performs “Masquerade”
Carter’s Confederate TakeoverSummary: Ralph Nader imagines that Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) has taken over the country. Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter. Transcript
Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: A hospitalized John Belushi phones in to complain that no one has mentioned his injury. Bill Murray reports on Rosalyn Carter’s looks. Texxon representative, Mr. Rigg (Nader), explains the conditions of their solar energy deal. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) comments that she’s against making Puerto Rico a “steak”. Recurring Characters: Emily Litella. Transcript
Andy KaufmanSummary: The less-than-stellar impressions of Foreign Man (Andy Kaufman) lead up to the ultimate Elvis impersonation. Transcript
The Coneheads At HomeSummary: Beldar (Dan Aykroyd), Prymaat (Jane Curtin), and Connie Conehead (Laraine Newman) are alien beings who claim to come from France, and spend their days adjusting to their new life on Earth. Tonight, Beldar and Prymaat meet Connie’s new boyfriend, Ronnie (Bill Murray). Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymmat Conehead, Connie Conehead, Ronnie. Transcript
Inflatable Doll TestingSummary: Ralph Nader conducts safety “tests” on a pair of blow-up dolls. Transcript
GarbageSummary: Gary Weis explores the world of waste management in New York. Note: Repeat from 04/17/76.
George Benson performs “Gonna Love You More”
Youth Asks The QuestionsSummary: Students ask Ralph Nader less-than-intelligent questions. Recurring Characters: Rhonda Weiss, Sherry.
Ambassador Training InstituteSummary: A commercial spokesman (Andrew Duncan) explains how you can apply to become a U.S. ambassador for a foreign country, aptly mixing work with play. Note: Repeat from 11/08/75.
… Jane Curtin Patrick … Tom Schiller Ray Basalt … Dan Aykroyd Emily Litella … Gilda Radner
[Teletypes chatter in the background as we open onanchorperson Jane Curtin, seated at WU desk. Sheargues with her husband Patrick, who sits on the deskbeside her — both oblivious to the camera.]
Don Pardo V/O: And now Weekend Update with JaneCurtin!
Patrick: … lonely, lonely thing!
Jane Curtin: Do you think I like beinghere?
Patrick: I–
Jane Curtin: Do you think I enjoy this? You’recrazy!
Patrick: Oh, come on! You’ve got to come homesometime!
Jane Curtin: Somebody has got to make the moneyotherwise we can’t eat.
Patrick: I’m writin’ a book! It’s gonna make afortune!
Jane Curtin: [dismissive] Oh, the book, thebook, the book. Big deal!
[Jane and Patrick suddenly notice the camera is on andstare into it, horrified. Patrick instantly drops downbehind the desk and out of view as Jane tales a momentto recover. She smiles and begins the news as ifnothing had happened.]
Jane Curtin: Our top story tonight:
[Photo of a smiling Jimmy Carter carrying dry cleaningbag over his shoulder] Still trying to make up hiscampaign deficit, President-elect Carter has taken apart-time job delivering dry cleaning in theWashington area. …
[Photo of the Carter family: Jimmy, Rosalyn anddaughter Amy — Amy’s eyes are closed and she coversher mouth with her hand] As a security measure toavoid any leaking of White House information, theSecret Service has stapled Amy Carter’s eyes shut andepoxied her hand to her mouth for the duration ofJimmy Carter’s term. … A decision on what to do withAmy’s ears will be made shortly.
President Ford finally revealed the substance of hispost-election telephone call to Richard Nixon. Fordasked Nixon if he thought Jimmy Carter would abuse thepresidency. Nixon said, “Nah, he doesn’t have theexperience.” … [The joke dies – in response, Janefrowns and crumples the sheet of paper it was writtenon – Patrick’s hand emerges from beneath the desk -Jane puts the crumpled ball of paper in Patrick’s handwhich disappears from view – Jane swivels, grins, andcontinues without missing a beat]
[Photo of Henry Kissinger with eyes shut tight andsmiling a toothy grin] Despite the fact that his daysas Secretary of State are numbered, Henry Kissingershowed he still has a sense of humor. The eternaldiplomat is shown here at a Washington party doing hisimpression of Chinese leader Hua Guofeng. …
[Suddenly, Jane bursts out laughing and reaches underthe desk – apparently having just beentickled.]
[Photo of Betty Ford and lisping broadcast journalistBarbara Walters] The First Annual Barbara WaltersLook-Alike Contest was held this week in Washington.And the first runner-up was First Lady Betty Ford. Thewinner was Barbara Walters who remarked that shedoesn’t feel she really looks like herself but willuse the prize money to buy a lifetime supply of theletter “R.” …
[Photo of Jacques Cousteau holding what appears to betwo small statuettes] And, in sports this week,underwater explorer Jacques Cousteau has discovered atribe of eleven inch tall prizefighters in the AegeanSea. Negotiations are under way to match one of themagainst Mayor Beame at Madison Square Garden nextspring.
Jane Curtin: And now Update presents a specialChristmas segment, courtesy of the United Statesgovernment’s Public Safety bureau. Here iscorrespondent Ray Basalt with the December radioactivefallout report.
[Cut to genial, fast-talking Ray Basalt, casuallydressed in a denim suit with an open-neckedwide-collared shirt and a gold medallion on a chainaround his neck. Behind him is a bulletin board thatreads: DAILY FORECAST, several wall clocks, and achalkboard with a map of the U.S.]
Ray Basalt: Thank you, Jane! Hi, everybody andwelcome to the Fallout Report! We, uh, hope to giveyou as much information as we can on the domesticfallout situation for the holiday season. I’m RayBasalt and here’s how it looks:
[moves to map, occasionally marking it up with chalkand symbols of mushroom clouds as he speaks] Okay!Prevailing northerly winds in the mid-Atlantic havecarried a cloud of radioactive particles into a fewpopulation centers along the eastern seaboard here.Uh, now, uh, this debris is the result of a blast thatwas detonated over four thousand miles away bythe Indian government in the Gobi Desert – and it’saffecting the tri-state area. These particles areexpected to start sprinkling down into New Jersey,Pennsylvania and parts of New York state early nextweek. Not much to worry about, however. Theseparticles are far too big to inhale into the lungs …However, they do contain tellurium gamma rays sowater, milk and all dairy products will becontaminated throughout the holiday season – for atleast two months, anyway. … Well, it is the softdrink season, so – [chuckles] – we don’t have too muchto worry about.
Okay, let’s turn to the west coast now and see what wefind here. All right, last summer, as you know, was aheavy time of thermonuclear testing by the People’sRepublic of China. In July, they detonated a fiftymegaton fission-fusion-fission device above thePacific Ocean. This resulted in a high altitudeairburst. Now, the fission products from thisdetonation, which linger just below the Earth’stroposphere, have started to drop. They’re being movedacross the Pacific water body by the high winds upthere in the troposphere. This — coupled with coldfronts which move up into southern California fromTexas — uh, all in all, well, we should say that,well, it should bring a fairly heavy shower ofdangerous beta particles into the San Diego areasometime near the end of the month and probably beforeChristmas anyway. Now, that blast was a pretty heavyone so the yield of beta particles will be sizable.Beta particles, of course, as you know, cause seriousradiation burns so, San Diego residents, stay inside,keep pets inside, don’t drink or eat anything and, ifyou have a lead suit, wear it. …
Elsewhere across the country, in Florida, uh, some,uh, particles as a result of French testing in theAntarctic. Uh, all across the Midwest, there areparticles there. Uh, from domestic testing in Nevada,of course. And, uh, there was some in Texas down herenear Corpus Christi. Nothing too serious.
We should mention, however, the beta cloud over SanDiego will be moving on up into the Los Angeles areaand, although it won’t be dangerous from a radioactivestandpoint, the remaining fallout when combined withhydrocarbon emissions in the Los Angeles basin shouldmake for quite a brew [turns to a nearby wall chartmarked AIR QUALITY with four levels: POOR / BAD /MASKS REQUIRED / REFRAIN FROM BREATHING] and a readingof one, two, three, four – on our air quality table.[puts a big red X next to number four: REFRAIN FROMBREATHING]
And remember the MLRD for human beings — that’sMedian Lethal Radiation Dose — is four hundred andfifty REMs. Uh, anything under that and the most youhave to deal with is some odd internal bleeding, lossof hair, skin sores and unceasing nausea. Okay?[tosses chalk in the air and catches it with a smile]And that’s the Fallout Report for the holiday season.Back to you, Jane.
[Applause as we cut back to Jane at the desk.]
Jane Curtin: [Photo of gymnast Olga Korbut atopa balance beam doing a particularly strenuousbackbend] Olga Korbut, the sensational Russian gymnastof the ’72 Olympics, announced this week that she willbe married next month in Moscow. The agile 21-year-oldis shown here getting in shape for her wedding night…. The prospective bridegroom is reported to be in aRussian hospital undergoing special surgery to haveall of his bones removed. …
[Photo of snow-covered street] Still to come: Cocainedealers convene in Buffalo after this message. …[Applause – Jane winces and reaches under the deskuncomfortably as we fade out for ad parody: FX-70Cheese Slicer]
Jane Curtin: [Photo of man in Santa Clausoutfit holding a revolver] Tragedy at the North Polethis week when Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer broke aleg and had to be shot. When asked who will guide hissleigh, a grief-stricken Santa Claus replied, “JimNabors.” More on this story as it develops. [Joke dies- Patrick’s hand reaches up from under the desk – Janehands him the paper which he crumples and disappearswith]
[reads the next item:] Well, time certainly flies,doesn’t it? … [Patrick reaches up again but Janebats his hand away]
Having trouble selecting a Christmas gift for yourstallion? Well, maybe this will help. [Doctored photoof a horse wearing a human being’s shoes on its hindhooves] It’s the latest style in animal footwear.Earth horseshoes. Manufacturers say that they are likeordinary shoes except the heels are lower than thetoes. [Photo of a horse showing its teeth, as ifsmiling] Honest Pleasure, pictured here, says he wearsthem and that, quote, [trippy voice] “It’s realmellow. It’s like I’m standing in a lotus position.”[exhales through lips like a horse] End quote.[applause]
Jane Curtin: From time to time, Weekend Updatepresents opposing viewpoints to important issues. Now,here with an editorial reply is Miss EmilyLitella.
Emily Litella: [bespectacled little old ladywith squeaky voice] Uhh, what’s all this fuss I keephearing about this Christmas the United Nations iscollecting money for unisex? Now, don’t thosekind of people have enough beauty parlors and clothingstores as it is? I mean, do they need more? Why,they’re all over the place, these unisex places! TheUnited Nations should be giving money to littlechildren overseas, children who can use it, not tothese weirdos!
Jane Curtin: Uh, Miss Litella?
Emily Litella: Why, it’s outrageous!
Jane Curtin: Miss Litella?
Emily Litella: I can’t believe– What?What?
Jane Curtin: [speaking slowly and clearly] Uh,that’s “UNICEF.” Not “unisex.” The editorial was aboutUNICEF, the United Nations International Children’sEmergency Fund, not unisex. UNICEF.
Emily Litella: Oh, well, well that’s verydifferent. [squints and grins, into camera] Nevermind. … [Applause] Uh, just, um, one more thing,Miss Clayton. Um, I was wondering why ever sinceyou’ve been, ah, doing Update I haven’t been on theshow too much. I mean, I used to be on quiteoften.
Jane Curtin: Yes. Well, Miss Litella, you canbe on as often as you like — as long as you come upwith something funnier than “unisex.”
Emily Litella: Well, I’ll do my best…
Jane Curtin: Good.
Emily Litella: Bitch. …
[Applause, which continues till the end.]
Jane Curtin: That’s all the news for tonight.Thank you and have a very pleasant holiday.
[As we pull back and fade out, Jane glares at thedeparting Miss Litella.]
Air Date:
Summary: Ralph Nader shows up at Studio 8H ready to cut loose and have a good time, even in spite of various safety harzards he encounters while having his make-up applied.
Summary: Ralph Nader experiences technical difficulties after he discusses some of RCA’s wrongdoings.
Summary: A hospitalized John Belushi phones in to complain that no one has mentioned his injury. Bill Murray reports on Rosalyn Carter’s looks. Texxon representative, Mr. Rigg (Nader), explains the conditions of their solar energy deal. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) comments that she’s against making Puerto Rico a “steak”.
Summary: Gary Weis explores the world of waste management in New York.
Summary: Students ask Ralph Nader less-than-intelligent questions.
Summary: A commercial spokesman (Andrew Duncan) explains how you can apply to become a U.S. ambassador for a foreign country, aptly mixing work with play.
