Adopt Belushi For Christmas Written by: Rosie Shuster and Steve Shuster
… Candice Bergen … John Belushi
[Host Candice Bergen stands before the well-trimmedChristmas tree at home base and addresses the camera.]
Candice Bergen: Well, it’s the last show beforeChristmas and, after it’s over, we’ll probably all goout and celebrate before heading our separate ways forthe holidays. Gilda’s going home to Detroit, Danny upto Canada, Laraine to Los Angeles, Jane’ll stay herewith Patrick, and, I guess, Garrett’ll be going backto Africa. … Yes, everybody’s going home. [walksover to John Belushi, seated on a stool nearby smokinga cigarette, and puts her hands on his shoulders.]Everybody — except for Belushi.
Now, we all want to help John but then we’ve allhelped him so much already: putting him up, talkingover his problems with him, lending him money. So now,it’s your turn to help. And, believe me, if you likegood acting and you just plain get off on good vibes,then here’s an offer you just can’t refuse. SaturdayNight proudly announces the Adopt Belushi forChristmas contest. … Write in immediately and stateyour case in twenty words or less why you are theideal family to adopt Belushi for Christmas. With hisswarthy good looks, John will appear right at home inany family with a depressed European background. …John’s had all of his shots, he’s an eager eater, plushe comes with his own attractive wardrobe whichincludes a Kahoutek T-shirt. Let Belushi share hismany stories and songs with the kiddies. [Bergenexits]
John Belushi: [sings, not very well] Chestnuts roasting on an open fire Jack Frost nipping at your nose [speaks, into camera] Hi! I’m John Belushi! Ah, but you can call me”Beloosh,” just like my close personal friend ChevyChase does. … You know, it’s corny but – but I loveChristmas. Hey, I’d love to sit around the yule logand – play with your daughter. … Actually, I’m notdoing much this Christmas. Uh, anyway, how ’boutdinner? I’m not fussy. I’d like some candied yams,some plum pudding, a roast goose stuffed with drugs…. Uh, quadraphonic sound system would be real nice.And maybe I could use a car – if you’ve got one, anice brand new car. If you’ve got a fifteen year oldgirl, of course, that’d be nice. Fourteen, I don’tcare. Sixteen. Nice girl.
Candice Bergen: [returns, puts hands onBelushi’s shoulders] So, if you think you’re thatspecial American family, why not write to: [SUPER:]ADOPT BELUSHI FOR CHRISTMAS care of SATURDAY NIGHT,Box 409, New York 10019. Runners-up will receive apersonal phone call from Don Pardo. Come on, what doyou say? [hugs Belushi]
John Belushi: [waves] Hi, Mom and Dad!
[Applause. Belushi raises his eyebrows, then kissesBergen as we push forward and fadeout.]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 2: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 11th, 1976 Candice Bergen Frank Zappa None Joe Dicso Lorne Michaels Diana Nyad Tom Schiller Neil Levy Patty Hearst at HomeSummary: Patty Hearst (Gilda Radner) spends Christmas with her family after her release from prison. Recurring Characters: Patty Hearst. Transcript
Montage
Candice Bergen’s MonologueSummary: Candice Bergen hides in her dressing room after being misled by John Belushi’s charms. Belushi dons his Bogart fedora to lure Bergen out with a promise that they’ll “always have Paris.” Transcript
Carter’s PromisesSummary: Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) admits that he can’t keep the promises he made before the election. Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter. Transcript
Santi-WrapSummary: While waiting in line to see a drunken Santa Claus (John Belushi) at the mall, Dan Aykroyd demonstrates the sanitary tissue Laraine Newman should use before sitting on Santa’s knee. Transcript
Frank Zappa performs “I’m The Slime”
Consumer ProbeSummary: Irwin Mainway (Dan Aykroyd) defends Bag O’Glass and other unsafe Christmas toys distributed by his industry. Recurring Characters: Irwin Mainway. Transcript
K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp GunSummary: Save thousands of dollars on groceries with this new device, which allows you to change the prices at the supermarket. Note: Repeat from 11/15/75.
Right To Extreme Stupidity LeagueSummary: After catching flack from Fern (Candice Bergen), Lisa (Gilda Radner) defends her right to be stupid. Note: Candice Bergen gets the names of her and Gilda’s characters confused, which caused her to shamelessly laugh through the entire sketch. Transcript
Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Jane Curtin’s husband (Tom Schiller) begs her to quit work and come back home. Ray Basalt (Dan Aykroyd) gives a holiday radioactive fallout report. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) proclaims that she’s against collecting money for “Unisex.” Recurring Characters: Emily Litella. Transcript
FX-70 Cheese SlicerSummary: Candice Bergen dispenses slices of cheese with her Polaroid camera. Note: At the time, Candice Bergen was the spokesperson for Polaroid’s SX-70 Land Camera, and the company was displeased by her participation in this ad parody. Transcript
Frank Zappa performs “LagoonRecurring Characters: Futaba.
The Killer TreesSummary: A detective (Dan Aykroyd) and Lt. Steve Bushakis (John Belushi) lead the search for a killer tree. Recurring Characters: Steve Bushakis. Transcript
Diana NyadSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Diana Nyad’s students talk about her as she trains. Transcript
Adopt Belushi for ChristmasSummary: Because John Belushi’s girlfriend has kicked him out of their apartment, Candice Bergen puts the word out that he’s looking for a place to stay over the holidays. Transcript
Let’s Kill Gary Gilmore For ChristmasSummary: Wanting to honor serial killer Gary Gilmore’s wishes, the cast deliver a poignant Christmas ditty in his honor. Transcript
[ open in Teacher’s classroom, last day of Junior High ]
Jodie: But, anyway, I can hardly believe that it’s the last day of Junior High.. I mean, the last day of 9th grade! Like, all day long I kept thinking, this is the last time I’ll be doing certain things; this is the last time I’ll go to this locker; this is the last time I’ll get up from this desk; this is the last time I’ll look at that clock. Until, finally, at the end of the day, I said, “This is the last time I’ll be thinking this is the last time I’ll be doing something.”
Teacher: Yeah?
Jodie: Yeah. I mean, thinking about things like that can really drive a person crazy, you know?
Teacher: Mmm-hmm..
Jodie: I could be thinking that this is the last time I’ll be able to talk to Mr. Davis after class, like I’ve done every day for a year! But I’m not, I’m not gonna get driven crazy, you know?
Teacher: You’re leaning on my attendance forms.
Jodie: Oh. Sorry. [ raises herself ] Anyway, I’m not thinking about that. I’m not thinking about this may very well be the last time I’ll be able to come into this class and talk to you.
Teacher: What are you thinking about?
Jodie: Well, I’m thinking about, if I kind of squint my eyes and make everything kind of blurry, you look like Peter Frampton with short hair.
Teacher: Oh, really?
Jodie: Yeah! But I’m not thinking about how I’m never again, probably never again, gonna get to come into your room after school and talk to you about life.
Teacher: Well.. you’ll have other people to talk about life with, won’t you?
Jodie: Oh, the other people I know don’t want to talk about life. They think that life is boring!
Teacher: Oh, really?
Jodie: Yeah, I think life is really interesting.. because, after all, the most important thing in life, is life.
Teacher: Right.
Jodie: And, now that I won’t see you again, I’ll just have to get out of the habit of talking about it.
Teacher: Well..
Jodie: I’ll miss you!
Teacher: Jodie, uh..
Jodie: I miss you already!
Teacher: Jodie, I really have to get out of here, you know..?
Jodie: Good old life!
Teacher: Yeah..
Jodie: Yeah. Oh, Mr. Davis, before you go out, I also wanted to tell you I thought that was really funny when you stuck that ruler in your ear today.
Teacher: Oh? Thanks a lot.
Jodie: I know a lot of people didn’t laugh. But I think that they don’t understand you like I do. They don’t appreciate your sense of humor, like I do.
Teacher: Oh?
Jodie: Yeah, like, a lot of people can go up, bang, stick a ruler in their ear, who cares, who know? Nobody laughs. You, who I personally know, cares deeply about life, well.. when you stick a ruler in your ear – it’s funny!
Teacher: Jodie, you’ve been a terrific student. [ starts to walk out of his classroom ]
Jodie: Yeah! Listen, I also wanted to tell you that you’re my favorite teacher I’ve ever had, by the way.
Teacher: Well.. that’s very nice of you to say..
Jodie: Yeah! ‘Cause you’re the kind of teacher that acts kind of regular, you know? Doesn’t act real teacherish.
Teacher: Uh-huh..
Jodie: Plus, like, I heard you say “Damn” in the supply closet the other day. But, don’t worry, I won’t tell anybody. When I heard you say “Damn”, I knew that I could be frank with you about lots of stuff.
Teacher: Well, thanks very much..
Jodie: Yeah! Plus, I wrote this poem in the 5th period study hall, when I got sick of signing yearbooks, because I could never get my signature the same way twice. It’s about you. You can tell by the title – it’s called “Mr. Davis”, it’s about you being a Biology teacher and everything.
Teacher: [ reading ] Okay. “Likes frogs, likes snakes, doesn’t like pains, doesn’t like aches.”
Jodie: Oh, well.. I’m really sorry, I mean.. I didn’t know that you didn’t like pains and aches. I mean, for all I know, you’re crazy about pains and aches. I just figured, from knowing you as a person, that you didn’t like them, is that true?
Teacher: Well, yeah.. that’s true. [ reads more ] “Likes bugs, germs, too. And when they die, he goes ‘Boo-hoo’.”
Jodie: Oh! Listen, I really didn’t mean that you said “Boo-hoo” or anything! What I really meant was that you were really sad, but sad didn’t rhyme. Don’t worry, don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.
Teacher: Sad because germs died?
Jodie: Yes!
Teacher: [ reading more ] “Is married, has kids, but for certain people, makes them flip their lids.” “Certain people” here is underlined.
Jodie: Yeah, well.. pretty straight line for no ruler, huh?
Teacher: And it’s got a lot of big red stars around it.
Jodie: Oh, well, you know me. When I get a red felt tip pen in my hand, I just get carried away.
Teacher: A lot of arrows here, too.
Jodie: Yeah, but only five arrows. I wouldn’t call five arrows a lot of arrows.
Teacher: Well, thank you, Jodie.
Jodie: I call ten arrows a lot of arrows! Five arrows is definitely not a lot of arrows!
Teacher: Bye, Jodie. [ kisses her forehead and walks away ]
Jodie: Goodbye, Regis. [ he stops ] Oh. I’m sorry, I just wanted to say that once before we left, you know? Can I write you over the summer?
Teacher: Sure.
Jodie: Yeah, yeah, right! I’ll write you over the summer!
Teacher: Okay.
Jodie: Yeah, it’ll give me a chance to practice my signature!
Teacher: Alright. [ finally exits classroom ]
Jodie: [ alone, thinking ] I think I can get it the same way twice..
Jodie Foster: [addresses the camera] Hi. I’m JodieFoster and, if you’re like me, you’re going throughthose awkward years between thirteen and eighteen wheneverything seems wrong. Believe me, as cute as I am, Iknow how it feels to hate your body and wish you couldtrade it in for somebody else’s. That’s why I’m gladthat I discovered Puberty Helper. [pull back to revealthat Jodie stands behind a table upon which are acouple of large smiley faces and examples of theproduct, one of which Jodie holds up to the camera] Sowhy not try it — before it’s too late — and you findout how lame you are?
[A pitchman enters and begins his spiel as Jodiecovers herself with the product and then exits: thePuberty Helper is simply a large brown bag with holescut in it for her arms, eyes and mouth — and a hugesmiley face on the front.]
Pitchman: Jodie’s right, guys and gals! What you needat this age is Rovco’s amazing new Puberty Helper.Just one single application is enough to cover a fullfive years of agony. Avoid potentially damagingadolescent trauma. Look neat, feel sharp through whatpsychiatrists term the “insecurity-prone years.”Guaranteed to work or your money back. Now, watchRovco’s Puberty Helper in action.
[Dissolve to Jodie in a school hallway. She removesbooks from a locker and shyly confers with anotherstudent. Both wear the Puberty Helper.]
Jodie Foster: Oh. Hi.
Student: H-hi, yourself.
Jodie Foster: Who do you have for math this year?
Student: Mr. Novak.
Jodie Foster: I have Mr. Kotter.
Student: Oh, I – I didn’t even know he was back. MaybeI’ll switch.
[Dissolve back to the pitchman who holds up theproduct and addresses the camera with a rapid spiel assuperimposed text repeats his words:]
Pitchman: Try Puberty Helper today and avoid theheartbreak of straight hair, curly hair, pimples,blackheads, zits, all kinds of skin eruptions, nerdyclothes your mother made you buy, physicalawkwardness, bra straps showing, safety pins in yourbra straps showing, too pointy elbows, slept on yourrollers, blushing, retainers on your teeth, gum onyour skirt, not having pierced ears when everybodyelse has them, gangliness, the look of embarrassingpads, pins and belts, shirt won’t stay tucked in, whenyou don’t know you have a booger, some stuff you goton you in a cafeteria accident, tucking your skirtinto the waistband of your underwear, frequentnosebleeds, embarrassing bulges in the chest area, noembarrassing bulges in the chest area, needing toshave, not needing to shave, and pregnancy! Yes, it’sthe amazing new Puberty Helper from Rovco. And allthis for just forty-nine ninety-five! That’s right –only forty-nine ninety-five! Write to Puberty Helper,care of Rovco, Box 23, Loss Leader, New Jersey. Yourhormones will be glad you did.
Chevy Chase: Hi, I’m Chevy Chase! And if you’re skipping meals because you just can’t find the time to eat them, why not try a Pilson’s Feed Bag Dinner? You know, each Pilson’s Feed Bag Dinner has three scrumptious courses – soup, your choice of six exciting entrees, plus a yummy Apple Brown Betty. And it straps right on to your face.
[ enters his car ]
I’m fifteen minutes late for an important date right now, and I just haven’t got time to eat. [ straps on feed bag and begins to chow down ] Mmm-hmm. Tuna. Tastes great already!
[ jingle appears over cuts of various people strapping on their feed bags in unusual places – in the shower, digging a ditch, driving a cab, etc. ]
Jingle: “Eat lunch and run, everyone Feed your face any place. Tie one on any place. With Pilson’s Feed Bag Dinners you’ve got time to feed your face.”
[ cut to Chevy’s date entering his car ]
Date: Hi, honey! So where are we going to eat?
Chevy Chase: [ turns to face camera and laughs as he points to his feed bag ]
Jingle: Feed Bags, from Pilson’s.
[Audience shot. One guy has a Pilson’s Feedbag Dinner strapped on. His caption reads: NY STATE LOTTERY LOSER]
Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs … Dan Aykroyd Mr. Pardo … John Belushi Mrs. Pardo … Jane Curtin Nurse …Anne Beatts Schoolchildren … Alan Zweibel, Marilyn Miller, Tom Schiller, etc. Miss Longabaugh … Laraine Newman Conductor … Garrett Morris Don’s Wife … Gilda Radner Personnel Director … John Belushi Male Voice … John Belushi Stella Dallas … Laraine Newman Jane … Jane Curtin John … John Belushi Janet … Gilda Radner … Lorne Michaels … Laraine Newman …and starring Don Pardo as Himself!!!
[Graphic of an old-fashioned NBC radio microphone with lightning bolts shooting out from it.]
Danny V/O: And now! As part of NBC’s Fiftieth Anniversary, a salute to the greatest voice-over announcer in the history of show business![Superimposed text reads: Don Pardo: the First 50 Years] Don Pardo: the First Fifty Years!
[The text disappears and a tuxedo-clad Danny steps in front of the graphic to address the camera]
Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs: Hello there! My name is Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs. The term “voice-over” is used in television whenever announcements or narration are required in a scene. It’s a grueling and, until now, thankless art which demands precision, patience and guts. Don Pardo’s background helped to combine these qualities. His father was an auctioneer and his mother was an opera singer. You might say he was a born announcer. Don took his first cue at Westfield Hospital where he was born at eleven-thirty A.M., ten-thirty Central time.
[Dissolve to a black-and-white photo of an old building. We slowly zoom in on the building as a superimposed text reads: FEBRUARY 26, 1926 Westfield, Mass. Dissolve to a hospital room where Don Pardo’s mother, Mrs. Pardo lies in bed. Mr. Pardo stands at her bedside holding her hand.]
Mr. Pardo: How are ya, honey?
Mrs. Pardo: I’m tired but I’m happy.
Mr. Pardo: When can we see the baby?
Nurse: [enters carrying baby Don who is so wrapped in blankets that he’s not visible] Right now, Mr. Pardo.
Mrs. Pardo: Oh, isn’t he cute?
Mr. Pardo: I guess we’ll have to start sending out the birth announcements.
Mrs. Pardo: [nods] I guess so.
Don Pardo V/O: No, you won’t, Dad!!! I’ll do it myself!!! [the nurse and the Pardos are stunned to hear Don’s voice booming from the blankets in the nurse’s arms] It’s a boy!!! Yes, six and one halfpounds of your own son!!! Another miracle from Mother Nature!!!
[The nurse looks confused but the Pardos are thrilled.]
Mr. Pardo: Just listen to that! Someday he’s gonna be President of the United States!
Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs V/O: And so, a voice was born. In school, young Pardo’s teachers were quick to recognize his special talent.
[Dissolve to a black-and-white photo of a schoolhouse. As we slowly zoom in on the building we dissolve to a classroom full of rowdy schoolchildren wearing 1930s clothes, throwing paper airplanes and spitballs while yelling things like “Come on!” “Watch out!” etc. Theteacher, Miss Longabaugh, enters and things quickly quiet down.]
Miss Longabaugh: Children! Children! Now, what’s going on in here? I could hear you all the way down the hall. Don Pardo, tell me what was going on.
Don Pardo V/O: Well, Miss Longabaugh, Susan Anderson was talking with her neighbor! And then Stevie O’Connor threw Gloria’s shoe in the wastebasket! Another naughty act by Stevie!
Miss Longabaugh: Thank you, Don Pardo. You know, you’ve got a great future. That voice could run railroads.
[Train music. Dissolve to a black-and-white photo of a locomotive.]
Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs V/O: Don went on to marry his childhood sweetheart and, like all young couples at the time, they went up to Niagara Falls for their honeymoon.
[Dissolve to the curtained berths inside the sleeper car of a passenger train. The rocking motion of the moving train causes the curtains to sway. An elderly Negro conductor, carrying hand-held chimes, enters andaddresses an upper berth.]
Conductor: Uh, is everything fine, Mr. and Mrs. Pardo?
Don Pardo V/O: [unseen, from behind the curtains] Yes, thank you.
Conductor: All right. [Conductor rings his chimes: the NBC tones! He starts to move off but pauses when he hears the honeymoon couple talking behind the curtains and eavesdrops on their conversation:]
Don’s Wife V/O: Honey?
Don Pardo V/O: Yes, Kath?
Don’s Wife V/O: Do it again. Once more. Give it to me.
Don Pardo V/O: [grumbles, reluctantly] Oh, okay. [in a suddenly booming voice] We’ll be staying at the fabulous Bryant House hotel!!! Thirty-five spacious rooms with a spectacular view of the falls!!!Complimentary Continental breakfast and a free tour of the falls in the Maid of the Mist!!!
[Conductor listens with mild surprise, shakes his head and walks off. Dissolve back to Danny.]
Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs: After the honeymoon, Don tried many jobs: short order cook, door-to-door salesman. He even tried bun running at chic restaurants. But nothing seemed right for him. Finally, he got his courage up and he went to apply for the job he was burning to do — radio announcing.
[Dissolve to a black-and-white photo of a marquee with NBC STUDIOS in neon letters. A superimposed text reads: 1932. Of course, Don actually began work at NBC in 1944. Dissolve to a personnel office where the greasy, cigar-smoking Personnel Director sits behind a desk, talking on an old-fashioned pedestal phone.]
Personnel Director: [into the phone] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s what they say about– [knock at the door] Ah, I’ll call ya later. [hangs up phone, calls out] Come in. [sound of a door opening] Ah, Mr. Pardo. Sit down. [indicates an empty chair in front of the desk, next to an ashtray stand – we hear the door close – after a moment, the empty chair suddenly slides forward as the invisible Don Pardo sits down – the personnel director addresses the empty chair] Okay, Pardo. You know what this job means, don’t you? It’s demanding. You gotta have pitch, you gotta have timbre, and you gotta have resonance. This ain’t for no sissies so don’t get any ideas about gettin’ your puss slapped all over the covers o’ Life and Look, okay? Let’s see. [looks at Pardo’s resume] Cook, salesman, bun runner. Nothin’ here in your resume that would qualify ya. But I got a hunch about you, Pardo. Here … [puts a piece of paper on the edge of the desk] … read this.
Don Pardo V/O: [misreads it with his booming voice] We’ll be right black!!! I mean, we’ll be bright black!!! [uncertainly, to the wincing personnel director] How’s that?
Personnel Director: [unimpressed] Great. Okay, okay, thanks. We’ll call ya.
Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs V/O: Well, Don got the job …
[The chair slides back as the invisible Don Pardo rises and knocks over the ashtray stand. The personnel director gets back on the phone.]
Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs V/O: … but only because six other NBC announcers were killed in a train wreck near Chicago. [Dissolve to a black-and-white photo of radio station WEAF. Zoom in slowly on the station and dissolve to photo of the studio control room.] The job was on a radio show called “Stella Dallas” — a serial heard and enjoyed by millions of Americans during the war. Here’s a recording of Don’s first show, one we think he’d like to forget.
[Dissolve to a black-and-white photo of a family sitting around a huge vintage radio as we hear what is supposed to be a recording of the old time radio soap opera “Stella Dallas”:]
Male Voice: [over eerie music] Stella, don’t go into the library!
Stella Dallas’ Voice: But I have to see what’s happened to father!
[A door creaks open, Stella screams, dramatic music.]
Don Pardo V/O: Tune in next week to “Stella Dallas” when we find out that Stella killed her father!!! Oh, I wasn’t supposed to say that? But I thought– Oh, oh, ohhhhh.
[Dissolve back to Danny who laughs maniacally at this error but then instantly becomes sober and continues his narration:]
Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs: He was an NBC staff radio announcer for many years, until that miracle called “television” appeared. He worked, first, in a live TV drama: “Elaine Carrington’s Follow Your Heart”.
[Dissolve to the set of the live TV drama]
Jane: He was a good man… a good man.
John: I’m gonna miss him at the plant.
Janet: How could it have happened? A machine. A piece of steel with no feelings, crushing him. What kind of horror is this? What kind of nightmare? What kind of machine? [she breaks down and cries]
Don Pardo V/O: It was at Atkinson-Hurley metal press, Janet! Two-and-a-half full tongues of steel holding and shaping strength!
[music sting, as we dissolve back to Danny, who laughs maniacally at this then becomes sober and continues his narration:]
Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs: Don Pardo worked on over one hundred and twelve shows from 1948 to 1960, including “Four Star Revue,” “The Colgate Comedy Hour,” “The Price Is Right” and, of course, NBC’s long-running game show “Jeopardy!” And when television moved to Hollywood, Don refused togo. He’d been offered the role of an announcer on a new comedy show but, as he said at the time, “Who wants to see a show about a Cuban bandleader and a crazy redhead? I don’t. Or maybe I do.” As it turnedout, of course, Don was wrong, sort of. There was no work in New York. Don went through the depression that all artists are subject to — he started frequenting sleazy announcer bars — until he heard about a new TV show just starting up in New York.
[Dissolve to Home Base at NBC’s Saturday Night where a card table has been set up. Superimposed text reads: 1975. Producer Lorne Michaels, wearing one of his trademark reindeer sweaters, sits with Laraine Newman as they audition performers for the show.]
Lorne Michaels: [calls out] Uh, next!
[As Laraine hands Lorne the next performer’s resume, we hear footsteps approach a microphone positioned upstage – it’s the invisible Don Pardo.]
Lorne Michaels: Name, please?
Don Pardo V/O: Don Pardo.
Lorne Michaels: [turns to Laraine] Don Pardo, is he still alive? [Laraine nods] Well, Mr. Pardo, ah, I see you’ve been, uh, working for the phone company, doing some recording. Uh, could you do some of it now for us, please?
Don Pardo V/O: Sure. [in his patented announcer’s voice] At the tone, the time will be five-thirty-six EXACTLY!!! Five-thirty-six and ten seconds!!! Five-thirty–
Lorne Michaels: Fine, fine, fine, fine. Ah, I guess you know, Don, we’re, uh, doing a kind of a young show.
Don Pardo V/O: [sadly] Well, I guess that rules me out.
Lorne Michaels: No, the brass at, uh, NBC is gonna call me crazy but I’m gonna give you a break, old timer. Would you read some of the, uh, names that, uh, that are on that sheet there?
Don Pardo V/O: Mm hmm. [clears throat] HILDA RADAR!!!
Lorne Michaels: Uh… No, no, that’s Gilda Radner.
Don Pardo V/O: Oh. [tries again] CHEVROLET CHASE!!!
Lorne Michaels: [Lorne gives Laraine an uneasy look, then turns to Pardo] Uh, why did you say “Chevrolet Chase”?
Don Pardo V/O: [confused] It’s a comedy show, isn’t it?
Lorne Michaels: Right. Well, thank you! [As we hear Pardo’s footsteps retreat, Lorne turns to Laraine] Got a hunch about him.
[Dissolve back to Danny, laughing hard again.]
Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs: Well, the rest is history. Don Pardo is now enjoying the respect and admiration of a whole new generation of viewers. And tonight, Don Pardo, we salute you! [salutes into the camera]
Don Pardo V/O: Thank you, Dan! I’d like to just say one thing!
[ open in the middle of an argument between black husband and his white wife ]
Husband: [ filling up a glass of something strong ] What could be that awful that you can’t even say it?
Wife: Well, it’s.. it’s.. just that you’ve always trusted me.. married six years, and you’ve never had any reason to doubt me..
Husband: Oh, God! [ sits down next to her ] For God’s sake, just say it! Say it!
Wife: Okay. It is 1976, and we’re both modern people..
Husband: [ groaning ] Plea-ea-ease..
Wife: Richard, nothing’s gonna change. I’m still gonna be the same woman I was..
Husband: What is it?
Wife: [ reluctant ] I’m not black.
Husband: [ stunned ] What?
Wife: I’m not black!
Husband: [ greatly confused ] But.. but the very first night we met, your first words to me: “Boy, it sure is fun being Negro!”
Wife: So I said it, so what? Nobody means what they say in those singles bars!
Husband: But what about all that stuff about how you’re constantly being mistaken for Diana Ross?
Wife: You agreed with me! You even said I had to gain weight!
Husband: And I guess your real name isn’t really Jemima, is it?
Wife: That part was true.
Husband: Well, thanks for the intro. You know, when you’re married to someone, it’s always nice to know their name.
Wife: You know, it’s funny.. I never thought I’d have to tell you. I always thought that you knew, somehow..
Husband: Well, how could I? You kept it so well hidden.
Wife: But there were clues! So many times, I thought you’d guess. Like that time you caught me with my family portrait and all those crayons?
Husband: Well..
Wife: And the time you saw my birth certificate with the word “Not” penciled in above “Caucasian”?
Husband: Well..
Wife: And, then there’s my fear of Sickle Cell Anemia.
Husband: What about it?
Wife: I have no fear of Sickle Cell Anemia!
Husband: Oh. Well, what about those Christmas cards – six years of Christmas cards signed “Your cousin, Little Anthony.”
Wife: Didn’t you ever wonder why he never used his last name? Imean, do you really think that Little Anthony calls himself “Little Anthony”?
Husband: Well, I don’t know.. I don’t go around thinking about what Little Anthony calls himself very much..
Wife: Look, I’m white, Richard. White! You know, cute little button nose.. suntan lines.. refers to blacks as “Them”!
Husband: [ in denial ] No! Stop! God, I feel like such a fool..
Wife: Richard, the bottoms of my feet are the same shade as the top! Do you understand that?! You haven’t been a fool. You’ve been in love, and love is blind.
Husband: [ kisses his wife, as he starts to reach acceptance ] I guess this explains why you never got that afro, huh? [ she nods ] Well, it does come as a shock, honey.. but it’s not so bad. It doesn’t change you, and it doesn’t change me..
Wife: Great!
Husband: Plus, it will really please my mother and father to hear this.. I mean, you know how white parents are.
Wife: And white husbands, too. I married one, didn’t I? [ laughs ]
Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved Bedtime Tales Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Mr. Mike…..Michael O’Donaghue …..Jodie Foster
[ open on Mr. Mike sitting solemnly in his director’s chair – Jodie Fosterruns up ]
Jodie Foster: Oh, Mr. Mike, Mr. Mike! Please tell me aLeast-Loved Bedtime Story!
Mr. Mike: Well, sure thing, you little imp! Just hop up here onmy knee, and I’ll tell you the story of “The Little Train That Died”.
[ Jodie hops up ]
Okay, now.. “One time, there was a little train who hadto pull a giant load of scrap metal up the mountain. He had never pulled such a heavy load in his life, and so when he left the valley, his little wheels said, ‘I hope I can. I hope I can. I hope I can. I hope I can.’ But, before long, he picked up speed and his little wheels said, ‘I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.’ Soon, the little train was whizzing right up the mountain, and now the wheels said, ‘I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! Heart attack! Heart attack! Heart attack! Heart attack! Oh, my God, the pain! Oh, my God, the pain! Oh, my God, the pain! I left my pills in the roundhouse!! I left my pills in the roundhouse!!‘ And he died.
Now, normally, little Jodie, that would be the end of the story,but the little train was on the mountain – on an incline – and it began to roll backwards, slowly at first, of course.. but it got faster and faster, until he was just barreling down the mountain, his wheels just barely on the tracks.. of course, he didn’t say anything this time, because he was dead. Now, in the valley, who should be sitting on the tracks – Freddy the Frog, and wouldn’t you know? He’s facing the wrong way, so he never sees the train coming at him at 180 miles an hour. Fortunately, Freddy hops off the tracks just in time, and the train misses him, hitting, instead, a school bus, killing 150 – no one over the age of 9. Now, when the state police arrive at the scene, one of them looks around at the carnage and grizzly mutilation spots and says, “You know, it’s wrong that so many human beings should be dead, and this frog should still be alive. And so, they beat him to death with a softball bat. The end.”
Jodie Foster: Oh, Mr. Mike, Mr. Mike, that was the besttale I ever heard!
Mr. Mike: Well, you know, Jodie, I have a lot more where thatcame from.. [ to audience ] ..uh, goodnight! [ to Jodie ] Have you heard the one about the penguin, the soapdish, and invisible cowgirl? Well, it seems that..
[ fade to black as Mr. Mike tells the story in private ]
Jodie Foster: Thank you! No, I’m not Miss Teenage America! You know, it’s really a special honor to be here tonight, because I’m the youngest host “Saturday Night”‘s ever had, but nobody here has treated me like a kid or anything. They’ve all assured me that, even though I’m only 14, I’m still exactly the same as every other host.
Like, I was told, for example, Raquel Welch also drank her milk out of a Flintstone’s glass. Everyone says that Desi Arnez, he got paid the same way I’m being paid – not in one lump sum, but in a weekly allowance of $5, which he got every Saturday morning, unless he forgot to make his bed. And there was one more thing I was told repeatedly by everyone here, that Elliot Gould’s cue cards were exactly like mine.
[ show Cue Card Man holding up cue card with picture of a cat and the word “CAT” written on it ]
So, I feel really comfortable in the role of “Saturday Night” host, except for one thing. Well, the show has started late tonight, but, just like all the other hosts whose shows started late, I brought a note from home to explain. [ pulls note out pocket ] I’ve got it right here – it’s Snoopy, see? [ reads ] “Dear ‘Saturday Night’ audience: Please excuse Jodie’s tardiness tonight, as the doctor said she had to watch Miss Teen America all the way to the end, or she would die. Signed: Jodie’s Mother.”
Gate Agent … Laraine Newman Businessman … Garrett Morris Passenger … Dan Aykroyd Security Guard … Brian Wilson Tin Woodsman … Alan Zweibel
[A thin blonde woman picks her teeth as a man in abusiness suit approaches.]
Woman: Ticket, please. [the businessman hands her histicket] Put your hand luggage on the counter and stepthrough, please.
[The businessman impatiently puts his briefcase on anearby counter and we realize we are at an airportboarding gate: the woman is a gate agent. In thebackground, a bearded, uniformed security guard standsbefore a sign reading: Trans American Airlines. Thebusinessman steps through a metal detector and setsoff a loud beeping alarm.]
Gate Agent: Step on back, sir. [the businessman comesback] Empty all metal objects into the tray and liftyour arms, please. [the businessman empties hispockets into a tray on the nearby counter: a set ofkeys on a key ring. He raises his arms and the gateagent passes a hand-held metal detecting wand over historso. The wand does not beep.]
Gate Agent: Okay. Take your things. [the businessmantakes his keys and the gate agent hands him hisbriefcase and ticket] Step right on through, sir.
[Shaking his head in disbelief at this waste of hisvaluable time, the businessman walks through the largemetal detector and exits as the gate agent turns tothe next passenger, a man in a trench coat and wool cap.]
Gate Agent: Ticket, please. [passenger hands her histicket] Put your hand luggage on the counter, please.[passenger puts a bag on the counter, the securityguard rifles through it] Step through, please.[passenger walks through the large metal detectorwhich beeps loudly] Step right back here, sir.[passenger returns] Please empty all metal objectsinto the metal tray and lift your arms. [passengerputs his watch, a ring, and a metal tie clip into thetray and lifts his arms. The gate agent passes thewand over his body. It makes a weird beeping sound.]You still have metal on you somewhere, sir.
Passenger: Okay! Okay, I’ve got some keys and, uh, Ihave a knife. [pulls a set of keys and a pocketknifefrom his pocket and drops them in the tray]
Gate Agent: Okay, lift your arms, please. [passengerraises his arms, gate agent passes wand, it beepsweirdly] I’m sorry, sir, you still have some metal on you.
Passenger: All right. Okay, okay, fine, fine, fine.[pulls more metal items from pockets and drops them intray, quickly the tray overflows and the items spillonto the counter] I got it. Don’t– [more small itemsbut then increasingly larger ones] I know, I know.You’re just doing your job. I know.
Gate Agent: That’s right, sir.
[Now, the passenger holds the pocket of his trenchcoat over the counter and metal objects noisily pourout of it — the counter and floor are littered withnuts, bolts, keys, silverware, etc. The passengercontinues to pull out larger and larger objects hiddenabout his person: square metal plates, a wrench, a bigvise. Finally, he finishes and gestures to the gateagent.]
Gate Agent: Lift your arms, please. [passenger raises his arms, gate agent passes wand, it beeps weirdly, gate agent gets annoyed] I’m sorry, I’m still getting a beep.
Passenger: [upset and angry] OKAY!!! [strips off histrenchcoat and lets it fall to the floor] You peopleare always so thorough! But when something REALLYhappens — [pulls off his necktie] when you’re REALLYneeded — you’re the LAST ONES TO KNOW ABOUT IT![strips off his shirt to reveal a metal collarpadlocked to his neck with chains running from thecollar down his bare torso – he tries to remove thecollar but his shirt gets in the way – he fumbles withthe shirt then frustratedly gives up on the collar -petulantly] I can’t take my collar off today! [thegate agent helpfully picks up a key from the floor andgives it to him but he takes it and throws it down onthe counter] That’s not the key. That’s another one! ILOVE METAL! I NEED METAL!
Gate Agent: You should have thought of that when yougot dressed. Okay, sir.
Passenger: Can I go?!
Gate Agent: [sighs] Lift your arms one more time.[passenger raises his arms, gate agent passes wand, itbeeps weirdly – the gate agent and passenger stare atone another silently for a moment, then:]
Passenger: ALL RIIIIIGHT! [pulls off his wool cap toreveal a solid metal cap molded to fit his head, hepulls it off with an effort and puts it on thecounter]
Gate Agent: [finally satisfied] All right, sir. Takeyour things.
[Passenger picks his trenchcoat up from the floor anduses it to collect most of the metal objects from thecounter. Hunched over, his arms full of metal wrappedin the trenchcoat, he exits.]
Gate Agent: [deep sigh, hand on hip, gesturing to thedeparting passenger, speaking to no one in particular]Sometimes it’s like they make it hard on me onpurpose. [turns to the next passenger] Ticket, please.[the next passenger turns out to be the Tin Woodsmanfrom the 1939 film version of “The Wizard of Oz” – hehands her his ticket] Oh! Thank you, Tin Woodsman! Goright on through. [The Tin Woodsman passes through themetal detector and, of course, sets it off – he turnsto the gate agent who waves him on] Oh, go ahead, TinWoodsman, it’s all right. [The Tin Woodsman nods andexits – the gate agent turns to other passengers]
Security Guard: [to himself] The Tin Woodsman? Thatwas the Tin Woodsman? I should have asked him for hisautograph.
Air Date:
Summary: Patty Hearst (Gilda Radner) spends Christmas with her family after her release from prison.
Summary: Candice Bergen hides in her dressing room after being misled by John Belushi’s charms. Belushi dons his Bogart fedora to lure Bergen out with a promise that they’ll “always have Paris.”
Summary: Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) admits that he can’t keep the promises he made before the election.
Summary: While waiting in line to see a drunken Santa Claus (John Belushi) at the mall, Dan Aykroyd demonstrates the sanitary tissue Laraine Newman should use before sitting on Santa’s knee.
Summary: Irwin Mainway (Dan Aykroyd) defends Bag O’Glass and other unsafe Christmas toys distributed by his industry.
Summary: Save thousands of dollars on groceries with this new device, which allows you to change the prices at the supermarket.
Summary: After catching flack from Fern (Candice Bergen), Lisa (Gilda Radner) defends her right to be stupid.
Summary: Jane Curtin’s husband (Tom Schiller) begs her to quit work and come back home. Ray Basalt (Dan Aykroyd) gives a holiday radioactive fallout report. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) proclaims that she’s against collecting money for “Unisex.”
Summary: Candice Bergen dispenses slices of cheese with her Polaroid camera.
Recurring Characters: Futaba.
Summary: A detective (Dan Aykroyd) and Lt. Steve Bushakis (John Belushi) lead the search for a killer tree.
Summary: In a film by Gary Weis, Diana Nyad’s students talk about her as she trains.
Summary: Wanting to honor serial killer Gary Gilmore’s wishes, the cast deliver a poignant Christmas ditty in his honor.
