Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Waiting For Pardo

Bill…..Kris Kristofferson
Bob…..Chevy Chase
Don Pardo…..Himself

[A superimposition reads: waiting for pardo. In ableak landscape, two tramps, resembling Estragon andVladimir — the protagonists of Samuel Beckett’s play”Waiting for Godot” — sit on a rock and engage indeliberately-paced, absurdist dialogue:]

Bill: Is he comin’?

Bob: I don’t think so.

Bill: Have you ever seen him?

Bob: No. Nobody has.

Bill: Well, how do you know he exists?

Bob: What?

Bill: How do you know he exists?

Bob: I’ve heard him.

Bill: Where? On game shows?

Bob: Yes. “Jeopardy.”

Bill: We can’t wait much longer.

Bob: We don’t have much time.

Don Pardo: Yes, you do, boys! ‘Cause here’s good news![The tramps are mildly surprised to hear the campy,booming voice of legendary announcer Don Pardo rapidlyreading what sounds like ad copy as we iris to animage of wristwatches in deep space – the brand ofwatch is IMMANUEL KANT OF GERMANY] Space and time areempirically real but transcendentally ideal, Bill!Yours from Immanuel Kant — where Time and Space workhand-in-hand for you! [dissolve back to the tramps]

Bill: What’s it like?

Bob: What?

Bill: The face of Pardo.

Bob: It’s been said that it’s very beautiful.

Bill: Yes.

Bob: Though no one’s ever seen it.

Bill: Let’s look for it. [Bob looks inside a boot thathe carries while Bill looks skyward at the sound ofDon Pardo’s Olympian voice]

Don Pardo: Keep looking, boys! [iris to an image ofluggage – brand name: Spinoza] ‘Cause all things whichare are in themselves or in another thing, Bill!Another quality idea from Spinoza! [dissolve back tothe tramps]

Bob: [off his boot] Well, he’s not in here.

Bill: [off his shoe] Not in here either.

Bob: [tries to put on Bill’s shoe] It’s a struggle.

Bill: Puttin’ on your shoe?

Bob: No, puttin’ on yours.

Bill: [puts his hat on his foot] I think we’re losingthis game.

Don Pardo: No way, big fella! [iris to an image offine jewelry – brand name: MARX OF LONDON] Theproletarians have nothing to lose but their chains!Workers of the world unite, Bob! From “Das Kapital” byMarx! Back to you, Bill! [dissolve back to the tramps]

Bob: Tell me … you like my T-shirt?

Bill: I have one.

Bob: Bloomingdale’s?

Bill: Macy’s.

Bob: Let’s just … keep waiting.

Don Pardo: And you’ll be glad you did, you luckydevils, you! [iris to image of cruise ships with thewords 5 DAYS 6 NIGHTS – I CHING TO HONG KONG] Because,from the fabulous Book of Changes, comes success! Itfurthers one to cross the great water! Perseverancefurthers, Bill! From the good folks at I Ching!

Bill: He must be very smart.

Don Pardo: I think, therefore I am, Bill! [dissolve toimage of men’s designer slacks and the Eiffel Tower -brand name: René Descartes of Paris] Something tothink about from René Descartes of Paris! [dissolveback to the tramps]

Bob: Knock knock.

Bill: Who’s there?

Bob: Bob.

Bill: Knock knock.

Bob: Who’s there?

Bill: Bill.

Bob: One hundred bottles of beer on the wall …

Bill: One hundred bottles of beer …

Bob: If one of those bottles should happen to fall …

Bill: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall …

Bob: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall …

Don Pardo: And while you’re waiting for Pardo, have anice day, Bill! [dissolve to image of a smiley faceunderneath which is the name of Rod McKuen] Looselybased on a concept by Rod McKuen.

Bob: Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall …

Bill: Ninety-eight bottles of beer …

Bob: If one of those bottles should happen to fall …

[stage darkens]

[cue accidental superimposition over Chevy and Kris, instead of over an unsuspecting audience member: “Making Loud Sucking Noises With tongue and Teeth, But You Can’t Hear Them”]

[fade]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Bobby McGee

…..Kris Kristofferson
Bobby McGee/Paisner/Farber…..Gilda Radner
Larry Farber…..John Belushi
…..Rita Coolidge

[FADE IN on a closeup of Kris Kristofferson’s hand strumming his guitar.]

Kris: “Busted flat in Baton Rouge,
I’m headin’ for a train…”

[PAN back to show him playing and singing as the audience applauds.]

Kris: “Feelin’ near as faded as my jeans…”

[stops playing]

Kris: Thank you, thank you, thank you. That song is called “Bobby McGee,” and I wrote the thing back in 1969, and I guess you know how much it meant to me. What you probably don’t know is there really was a Bobby McGee. Only it wasn’t her name, it was Bobby Paisner, but I rhymed it… with “me,” and nothin’ rhymes with “Paisner” anyway, but it… somebody here at NBC took the trouble to hunt her down, and she’s somewhere out there in the audience now, I ain’t seen her in seven years, and I’d like you all to meet the real Bobby McGee. Bobby? Come up here.

[The band plays an instrumental of “Bobby McGee” as Bobby steps up to home base. She has frosted, curly hair and a salmon-colored dress, and she carries a white pocketbook in front of her. She and Kris grin awkwardly at each other while the band winds up.]

Kris: Wow! Bobby… [kisses her cheek]

Bobby: [in a nasal voice] Kris. [laughter] It’s wonderful to see you, you look, you look just fabulous. Tell me honestly, would you have recognized me?

Kris: Sure, sure. [they laugh] You look a little, dress a little different… [looks her up and down] I don’t think I’d forget the shape, anyway.

Bobby: [embarrassed] Oh…

Kris: Oh, boy. Hey, what happened to you, uh…

Bobby: Oh, you mean in Salinas?

Kris: Yeah.

Bobby: Oh, I had to leave, I’d really had it with the road, you know, four weeks is a long time to be away from home, you know. And, uh, my parents sent me this plane ticket back to Chicago, and they were so SUPPORTIVE, they fixed up my old room and everything. And, you know, I’ll never forget it, my father said to me, “You can’t be a grasshopper your whole life.” You know, so I went back to college and I got my teaching certificate.

Kris: [stares lovingly at her] Wow…

Bobby: Yeah.

Kris: So you’re a teacher.

Bobby: Well, I never actually got a chance to teach, because that’s when, uh, I met Larry.

Kris: [quietly] Larry who?

Bobby: Larry Farber.

[Larry leaps up to home base.]

Larry: Hi, how are ya, Kris, nice to meet ya!

[Wearing a gray plaid blazer with a red tie and dark-rimmed glasses, Larry reaches for Kris’s hand and pumps it heartily while the audience applauds.]

Bobby: This is my husband, Kris, Larry Farber.

Larry: Hi!

Bobby: He’s in, uh, woman’s pocketbooks.

Larry: Yeah, lemme get a picture of you two over here. C’mon, get together here now, let’s see…

[Larry pulls out a camera with a tall flash bar and motions for Bobby to stand next to Kris. Kris dutifully puts his arm around Bobby’s shoulder.]

Larry: C’mon, let’s see that little smi–aha!

[Bobby grins widely for him. Larry snaps a couple of quick shots and then turns and waves at the TV camera.]

Larry: [in a nasal voice] Hi, kids! Hi, Tracy, hi, Jason! How are ya?

Kris: What?

Larry: They’re our kids, I promised I’d say hello.

Kris: Hey, this is live TV…

Bobby: They’re watching in Highland Park. Hi, kids.

Larry: Hi, kids!

Kris: [awkwardly] Well, that’s really terrific, uh, your kids are out there…

Bobby: Yeah, you know something? Tracy, uh––they just LOVE you, you’re their–they’re your biggest fans! Kris, really. Y’know, they always listen to your record. Their favorite one is “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.”

[laughter]

Larry: Y’know, all I ever hear them listen to is Elton John. [cracks up]

Bobby: Oh, Larry’s such a joker, you’re such a joker, Larry, he’s really a joker.

Kris: [flatly] I bet you guys have a lot of yuks, don’t ya?

Bobby: Um, Kris, Larry’s never heard you sing. Could you sing “Bobby McGee” for him?

Kris: Oh, now, he don’t wanna hear it.

Larry: Come on!

Bobby: Yes he does, really, he wants to hear it, Kris? It’s our song, right? It’s our song.

Larry: Yeah, y’know Bobby tells me you’ve been quite a MAN out there, pal. [claps his shoulder] Hey?

Bobby: God knows, I never saw a penny. [laughter] Go ahead and sing it, though, Kris, please.

[Kris starts playing his guitar.]

Kris: Well, “I–let’s see–I took my harpoon out
Of my dirty red bandanna,
Blowin’ sad while Bobby sang the blues…”

[Larry claps his hands out of time and does a very bad samba.]

Bobby: Oh, I love it.

Kris: “Them windshield wipers slappin’ time,
And Bobby clappin’ hands…”

[fades out]

Larry: Yeah, I love it. Really, nice.

Bobby: Yeah, you know… You know, I’ve waited so long for the two of you to meet, really.

Larry: Oh, yeah.

Bobby: You know, Kris, I’ve told Larry all about you.

Kris: All about me?

Larry: [joshing] What’s that supposed to mean?

Bobby: LARRY…

Larry: Okay.

Bobby: Okay.

[They both pant and guffaw stupidly for a moment.]

Bobby: [to Kris] We really had some good times, didn’t we?

Kris: [clearly uncomfortable] Yeah, they were some crazy, zany old times!

Bobby: Yeah. C’mon, Kris, finish the song, y’know, a lot of my friends back in Highland Park don’t believe that I’m the real Bobby McGee. So, could you just sing it for them, please, sing the rest of the song?

Kris: Uh, look–

Bobby: Please? Please?

[Kris haltingly picks a few notes.]

Bobby: [grinning] Pretty please, with sugar on top? Please? Could you sing it, Kris?

Kris: [muttering quickly through his lines] “Somewhere near Salinas, well, I let her slip away…”

Bobby: Yeah. Yeah.

Kris: “California, coal mines of Kentucky to the California sun, Bobby shared the secrets of my soul…”

Larry: Hey, when were you in Kentucky, sweetheart?

Kris: [softly] “Standin’ right beside me, through everything I done…”

Larry: Uh, I, I thought you were just hitchhiking back to school!

Kris: [softly] “Every night she kept me from the cold…”

Bobby: Larry, it was a long time ago.

[They all stop while Larry glares at Kristofferson.]

Larry: “Kept me from the cold?” Is that what you said? “Kept me from the cold”?

Bobby: Yes, he said “kept me from the cold.”

Larry: [getting sore] I thought you just talked! I thought it was one afternoon, uh, I thought you said you just happened to get a ride in the same truck at one time, that was it!

Bobby: [in a monotone] Look, LARRY, it was a long time ago, it was dark, there was a thunderstorm, it was chilly, it looked like night. Enough is enough. [turns back to Kris and smiles] Go ahead, Kris, sing the song.

Kris: “Standin’ in the road…”

Larry: [shortly] Go ahead, sing it. C’mon.

Bobby: C’mon.

Larry: C’mon!

Kris: “I don’t think it’s ever gonna be that–”

Bobby: He wants to hear the rest of it, c’mon.

Larry: I wanna hear that song!

Kris: [at breakneck speed] “Somewhere near Salinas, I let her slip away, looking for the love I hope she finds–she found…”

Larry: Uh-huh.

Bobby: [humming along] Mm, mm…

Kris: “I’d trade all my tomorrows for some single yesterday, and holding Bobby’s body next to mine–”

Larry: Okay, okay, “holding Bobby’s body next to mine.” Wait. Look, I get the picture. I’m not stupid. You know, I may not be a folk singer, but I am not stupid. I know what’s goin’ on, “holding Bobby’s body next to mine.”

Bobby: Larry, I don’t believe this. I don’t believe you could–

Larry: Let him ANSWER it! C’mon!! What is that supposed to mean, fella?

Kris: Hey, Frank–Far–Larry…

Bobby: Larry.

Larry: LARRY! Larry Farber.

Kris: [losing patience] When you’re in the front seat of a truck–

Larry: Yeah?!

Kris: –and there’s three of you, and when you got a… a… harpoon…

Larry: Yeah, sure.

Kris: And a bandanna…

Larry: Yeah?

Kris: Somebody’s butt is going to be next to somebody else’s.

Larry: [shoves him] Yeah, how’d ya like to step outside for a knuckle sandwich pal? C’mon! [removes jacket]

Bobby: LARRY!!

Larry: [slips back into jacket] C’mon, weirdo! Let’s go! C’mon, pal!

[Rita Coolidge suddenly walks up from backstage and stops next to Kris.]

Kris: [to Bobby] Honey, I would like you to meet somebody real special. [to Rita] This is Bobby McGee. And her, it’s Bobby…

Bobby: [smiles at Rita] It’s Bobby Farber now, right.

Kris: And her husband Larry.

Bobby: This is my husband Larry Farber, woman’s pocketbooks, right. [holds out pocketbook]

Larry: [waves briefly at Rita] Nice to meet you.

Rita: [smiles politely to Bobby] It’s beautiful.

Bobby: Thank you. Uh– [to Kris] Listen, uh, just one last thing for me, Kris. Could you just finish the song, please? A lot of people don’t believe–

Kris: [quickly] “Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose…”

Bobby: [droning] “Nothin’ left but nothin’ every daaaaaay, nothing ain’t worth nothing…” [to Larry] I wrote the “na na-na” part.

Larry: [sullenly] Yeah, I know.

Bobby: Okay?

[They all sing for a moment while Kris plays.]

Bobby: Remember the “na na-na” part? [sings] “Na na-na, na na-na na na…”

Larry: “Feeling good was…” good enough for YOU!

Bobby: “Na na-na, na na na-na…”

Larry: It was good then! Now, now what does it take, huh?

[CUT to Kris and Rita as they watch in disbelief.]

Larry: Next two weeks in the Caribbean, now, to set you straight.

Bobby: Larry–

Larry: Yeah, the charge card, the tennis lessons for the kids, a house in Benton Harbor, the analyst…

Bobby: “Na na-na, na na na-na…”

Larry: The damned analyst, the KIDS’ damned analyst. I shoulda been a damned FOLK singer, that’s what I shoulda been!!

Bobby: Larry, you’re making a–

Larry: AW, NO! I shoulda been a folk singer, and grown a beard! [grabs Bobby’s arm] No, let’s get out of here!

Bobby: [slaps his arm] No!

Larry: [dragging her offstage] We’re getting out of here!!

[He growls at her and pulls her quickly off past the cameras. Audience applauds as Kris and Rita watch them go in disbelief.]

Rita: That’s Bobby McGee? I mean, that’s Bobby McGee?

Kris: [takes a deep breath] That was a long time ago, things were different in the ‘60s. [to audience] Wait! We’ll be right back in a few minutes, folks! [to Rita] Listen, this one means a lot to me…

[As they talk quietly, PAN back over applause and FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Gynecologist Blind Date

Judy…..Jane Curtin
Gynecologist…..Kris Kristofferson

[In her apartment, Judy sits on the sofa and talks onthe phone.]

Judy: Margie, listen, he’s in the bathroom so I’ve gotto talk fast. Okay, remember how Eileen said that thiswould be the greatest blind date of my life — he’scute, he’s fun, he’s a doctor? He’s my gynecologist…. Because she never told me his last name, that’swhy! … Well, nothing’s happened so far except hesaid my pap test came out okay. … Well, I don’tknow, it’s just so awkward. I mean, the last time Isaw his face, it was coming up between my knees. …It’s embarrassing. I just don’t know if I can gothrough– [a door opens] I gotta get off — he’scoming. [quickly hangs up, pretends to read amagazine]

Gynecologist: [enters] Well, “Silent Movie” comes onat eight o’clock and, uh, “The Omen” — it might bea–

Judy: I-I-I-I, um, I don’t think I can go through withthis.

Gynecologist: What?

Judy: Going out with you. Going out with mygynecologist.

Gynecologist: Why? [joins Judy on sofa]

Judy: Well … because … I don’t even know whatmovie we’re seeing yet and you’ve already gotten tothird base.

Gynecologist: Hey, uh, Judy, all I did was perform aprofessional service for ya, just like an accountant.It’s like, it’s like if you were datin’ youraccountant.

Judy: Hey, I wouldn’t mind if you’d seen the inside ofmy checkbook.

Gynecologist: Look, let’s talk about somethin’ else,change the subject. That’s a great lookin’ shirt yagot on.

Judy: Well, are you sure? You’ve never seen me inanything but white paper. Hey, doesn’t it ever get toyou? I mean, knowing that you’ve seen the inside of my…

Gynecologist: Judy, I see these things all the time.

Judy: Well, that’s the difference. To you, they’re”these things.” To me, they’re MY things.

Gynecologist: Now, I didn’t mean it that way. It’sjust like if– I mean, imagine lookin’ at thirty orforty “things” a day, you know? Uh, if you can’t– Ifyou’re worryin’ about what I remember about yours, youknow, I can’t even remember which one it was.

Judy: You can’t?

Gynecologist: Promise.

Judy: That is a relief.

Gynecologist: Whew. [Judy sighs] Well, if you want tosee “Silent Movie,” we ought to go right now.

Judy: You really can’t remember … one thing?

Gynecologist: Uh uh. Uh uh.

Judy: Not even about the, uh, other half?

Gynecologist: Well, who could forget those, darlin’?Ha ha! Jokin’, of course, I’m only kidding, you see.

Judy: Oh.

Gynecologist: Hey, wait a minute. Are you mad becauseI DON’T remember, now?

Judy: Oh! No-ho-ho-ho! It’s wonderful to know that theman who probably has the most intimate contact withyour body can’t remember one thing.

Gynecologist: Good God, Judy, I’m a doctor. I can’tthink of my patients sexually. I have to think of ’emobjectively.

Judy: Sure.

Gynecologist: Well, you know what? You know what youare? You’re thinkin’ like everybody else thinks. Youthink it was a choice for me of either bein’ agynecologist or some dirty old man in an all-nightmovie with a newspaper on my lap. It was not thatchoice. Do you know what it was like for me in school?All my friends made me write down everything I saw sothey could read it in the bathroom later. And theother residents, man, they thought THEY were workin’but I was gettin’ a little.

Judy: Well?

Gynecologist: Well, every time I went out on a date,any woman that I was ever out with eventually gotaround to asking why I was ever interested in bein’ agynecologist and, uh, did I think about it a lot whenI was a little boy? Did I want to be one then? Did Ihave bad thoughts? You know, DO I have bad thoughts,you know?

Judy: [perhaps a little hopeful] Do ya?

Gynecologist: Doesn’t everybody? You do, admit it.

Judy: Well, I don’t think that I necessarily–

Gynecologist: All the time you have bad thoughts! Comeon, you could be havin’ ’em right now. Look at the wayyou cross your legs.

Judy: Well, no, I–

Gynecologist: In fact, that’s probably why you startedthis whole damn thing — you’re tryin’ to get in myknickers. I’m teasin’.

Judy: It’s not that I haven’t noticed you. I – I haveoccasionally peeked over the sheet — once.

Gynecologist: [laughs] Aha! You see, we’re gettin’down to the nitty gritty. [decides to confess] Hey,you wanna– If it’ll make you feel better, you know–Nobody ever got fixed up with their gynecologist byaccident. I felt funny about this thing and somebodyfixed us up — for me. That’s all.

Judy: Do you mean that?

Gynecologist: Yeah. When you was peekin’ over thesheet, I was peekin’ under it. [takes her hand] Hey,can we be friends about it?

Judy: Yeah.

Gynecologist: Can we go to the movies?

Judy: Yeah.

Gynecologist: Let’s get out.

[Holding hands, they rise and go to the door. He opensit for her. Halfway out the door, Judy stops and turnsto him, very pleased.]

Judy: You DID notice.

[She turns, head held high, and exits. He follows herout, shutting the door behind him. We pan across theempty room and off the set to the applauding audience.A superimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT… PIGGY BANKSFOR SWINE FLU VACCINE.]

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Goodnights

…..Kris Kristofferson

Kris Kristofferson: Hi! I just want to thank all the people who let us be on this show, with all the crazy people that work on it. They got one of the greatest studio bands there probably is anywhere — and I got one of the best bands, too! [ the audience cheers and applauds ] Hey! It’s such a DAMN pleasure to work any place where you got any real imagination working, and I got a great band and some great girls back there working with me, too. God bless, y’all! Thank you very much!

[ as the credits begin to roll, the cast climbs up to join Kristogfferson on Home Base ]

Announcer: Hi, this is Dan Aykroyd, one of the Not Ready For Prime Time Players, inviting you to watch the Beach Boys Special on NBC on Thursday, August 5th. Some of us from “Saturday Night” were involved in the production, and you’ll be neatly surprised. “Sam-son, Sam-son, Sam-son…” and more! Watch The Beach Boys — Thursday, August 5th on NBC. Thanks a lot. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Talk Country

…..Kris Kristofferson

[FADE IN on Kris Kristofferson on the set of a country barn with his guitar on his lap.]

Kris: Howdy! I’m Kris Kristofferson. I guess you’re wonderin’ what a good ol’ boy from Nashville is doin’ talkin’ to you on some tutti-fruitti TV stage. Well, fact is, I make a pretty good livin’ doin’ just ‘bout all the way I wanna do. I may not be no Bobby Dylan, but I don’t have to go to work in the morning neither. And I’m fixin’ to tell you all out there how to do the same thing. See, it wasn’t always so easy for me, like a lot of you out there, I had a handicap that was fast ruinin’ my life. It was called education. I was a Rhodes scholar, damn… name was too damned good. To be honest with ya, I was becoming a burden to my family, and an embarrassment to my friends, and I was turnin’ out songs like, uh, “Please, help me endure the angst of this lonely evening,” and “Bobby McGee and I,” and… [pauses] To be sure, I couldn’t get arrested. Right now you’re probably asking yourself, “Well, what turned it all around for him? How’d he write all those great songs and made him, well, kind of a… legend in his own time?” The answer is in this book, “Talk Country.”

[He holds up a skinny coffee-table book with a photo of a shirtless Kristofferson with a guitar.]

Kris: It took me ten years of dues-paying to learn what’s in this book, and you can read the damn thing in an hour, in the comfort of your own home. There’s a whole chapter devoted to nothing but droppin’ your “g’s” at the end of words, like believin’, feelin, comin’, children… Another on double negatives, and a special section on, uh, colorful country sayins, like, uh, “as much chance as a one-legged man in an ass kickin’ contest,” and “feelin’ like a jackass between two haystacks.” Point is, you don’t need to have a prison record to be an outlaw. Or do any time in a drunk tank to be funky, it’s all right in here. Don’t let your education stand in the way of stardom, and don’t throw away a promising career just ‘cause you can’t say “ain’t.” Send $5.95 today to Talk Country, Station No. 38, New York City, New York.

[SUPERIMPOSE address at bottom of screen.]

Kris: It worked for Merle Haggard… it’ll work for you. Well, I’ve got to get back to makin’ music. [strums guitar once and sings rapidly] “I’m a loser, I’m a learner, and I’m filthy on the phone, I ran a buster to the bone, and I’m a problem when I’m home…”

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

The Great White Athlete

Jesse Owens…..Garrett Morris
Announcer…..Don Pardo

[Gray-haired Jesse Owens, the legendaryAfrican-American track athlete who dominated the 1936Olympics, sits in a chair, wearing a suit and tie andaddresses the camera]

Jesse Owens: Hello, I’m Jesse Owens, here to make youan offer of lasting value. For a limited time only,the American Olympic Committee together with thegovernment of Canada are offering these beautifulOlympic medallions, [holds up the medallions]commemorating some of the last of a dying breed: theGreat White Athlete. For only forty-five dollars, youcan own the entire set with white heroes of hockey,swimming and spear-chucking– umm… I mean, javelinthrow. Hurry and send in now while they last, honky.

[A superimposition reads: Great White Athletes Box1976 Johannesburg, S. Africa]

Announcer: That’s “Great White Athlete” — Box 1976Johannesburg, South Africa.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:
July 31st, 1976

Kris Kristofferson

Rita Coolidge

None

None

None



Season 1: Order Now! Help Me Make It Through The NightSummary: Kris Kristofferson sings “Help Me Make It Through the Night, while Chevy Chase makes it through the night with his wife, Rita Coolidge.

Montage

Kris Kristofferson’s Monologue

I Was Not A Sucker For Saturday NightSummary: Sherry (Laraine Newman) has written a tell-all book about her experiences serving as intern to SNL’s writing staff.

Recurring Characters: Sherry.

Transcript

Samurai General PractitionerSummary: Futaba (John Belushi) administers a physical to Kris Kristofferson.

Recurring Characters: Futaba.

Rita Coolidge performs “Hula Hoop”

The Great White AthleteSummary: Jesse Owens (Garrett Morris) is selling medals that formerly belonged to white athletes.

Transcript

Mississippi DelegateSummary: Mississippi delegate Frank Wade (Kris Kristofferson) asks President Gerald R. Ford (Chevy Chase) to side with him on a bill.

Recurring Characters: President Gerald Ford, Betty Ford.

Police StateSummary: A pair of police officers (Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd) go after criminals with a no-holds-barred style.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Laraine Newman accidentally reports live from Nassau instead of from NASA.

Transcript

Talk CountrySummary: Kris Kristofferson plugs the book that taught him how to talk like a good ol’ boy.

Transcript

Bobbi McGeeSummary: Kris Kristofferson sings a few bars of Me and Bobby McGee”, then brings out the young woman (Gilda Radner) who inspired the tune and learns that she has since married a man named Larry Farber (John Belushi).

Recurring Characters: Bobbi Farber, Larry Farber.

Transcript

Gynecologist Blind DateSummary: Judy (Jane Curtin) is uncomfortable when she finds out her friend has set her up on a blind date with her own gynecologist (Kris Kristofferson).

Transcript

Kris Kristofferson & Rita Coolidge perform “Eddie the Eunuch”

Praising CarterSummary: Andrew Young (Garrett Morris) speaks highly of presidential candidate Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd), in the hopes of being asked to join his administration.

Recurring Characters: Andrew Yuong, Jimmy Carter.

Waiting For PardoSummary: Bob (Chevy Chase) and Bill (Kris Kristofferson) await the arrival of the mythic Don Pardo.

Transcript

Kris Kristofferson performs “I’ve Got a Life of My Own”

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 23

75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Teen Talk

Gilda … Gilda Radner
Jane … Jane Curtin

[Teenaged Jane sits lengthwise on a living room sofa,eating crackers and peanut butter. Her teen friendGilda enters, struggling to carry a huge tray of foodwhich she sets awkwardly on the coffee table in frontof the sofa. Jane picks at the food throughout thesketch.]

Gilda: Okay, Jane, that’s all my mom had left in thefridge.

Jane: That’s it?

Gilda: Yeah, well, the whole family’s on a diet.[joins Jane on the sofa] Move yer feet over. So, uh,what’d you let him, uh, get last night? A three or afour?

Jane: I can’t remember which is which. How’s it go?

Gilda: A three is over your shirt. A four is underyour shirt, over the bra. So which was it, a three ora four?

Jane: Five.

Gilda: Five? On the third date? You mean you let himhave a five? Oh, God.

Jane: I had to! Otherwise, he would have known I waswearing a padded bra.

Gilda: Oh, God.

Jane: Well, look, it’s embarrassing enough that youknow. You know what’s worse? Gym class. Do you knowhow long it takes to change underneath your slip? Andthat’s in front of girls.

Gilda: Why don’t you just stuff cotton in your bra andthen when – when he starts gettin’ romantic, you couldjust excuse yourself and go to the ladies’ room andtake it out?

Jane: How am I going to go to the ladies’ room in acemetery?

Gilda: Cemetery?

Jane: You know! He likes to park in a cemetery. It’squiet there. Nobody bothers us.

Gilda: Cemetery? Oh, God.

Jane: I wish you’d stop saying “God” — [mimics her]”Oh, God.” ‘Specially in front of my mother. Shethinks you’re a bad influence.

Gilda: Aw, well, that’s a laugh. Especially when yaget the highest marks in school.

Jane: That’s not what I mean.

Gilda: Jane?

Jane: Yeah?

Gilda: Have you seen it?

Jane: What?

Gilda: You know … It.

Jane: No, I don’t know. What?

Gilda: You know … his, uh … Him. It. You know.

Jane: [gives her a withering look] That’s sodisgusting.

Gilda: I just want to know did you get a look at it.

Jane: I don’t want to talk about it. It’s toodisgusting.

Gilda: Come on, now. We’re supposed to be bestfriends. I – I just want to know what it’s like.

Jane: Okay, okay. … It’s not like anything.

Gilda: What do you mean it’s not like anything?

Jane: It’s just not like anything.

Gilda: How can it be not like any–? I don’t thinkyou’ve seen it.

Jane: Okay. It’s like a … It’s like a person.

Gilda: A fireman?

Jane: [can’t believe she’s so stupid] God.

Gilda: Oh, I don’t think you’ve seen anything.

Jane: You don’t have to see it.

Gilda: I thought he’d want you to.

Jane: I wouldn’t even if he wanted me to.

Gilda: You mean, you wouldn’t if he wanted you to?

Jane: No.

Gilda: Even if you were going steady?

Jane: [thinks about it] No.

Gilda: Even if he wouldn’t go steady with you anymore?

Jane: No, I wouldn’t.

Gilda: Even if he wouldn’t go steady with you any moreand he asked you to give his ring back, you stillwouldn’t?

Jane: Nope. I would– Well, maybe if– No.

Gilda: Well, I would. I’d look at it if he wanted meto.

Jane: Let me set you straight. I don’t think they wantyou to. Besides, it’s dark in a cemetery.

Gilda: Well, then you have nothing to worry about.

Jane: Why?

Gilda: [pulls a cake off the tray and picks at itthroughout the rest of the sketch] Because, um, thenhe won’t be able to, uh, to see your chest and hewon’t know how flat you really are.

Jane: What does that mean?

Gilda: It means, stupid, that things happen to feelbigger than they look, you know, like when you have apimple on your face and you keep feelin’ it andfeelin’ it and it feels like it’s really big and thenyou look in the mirror and it’s not so bad after all -just like your breasts.

Jane: It is?

Gilda: Yeah, and another thing, you better, uh, youbetter not let him see you, uh, lyin’ down on yourback.

Jane: Why?

Gilda: Eh, ’cause they slip over to the sides intoyour armpits.

Jane: Oh, Gilda.

Gilda: [as Jane tears a piece off of Gilda’s cake] Asa matter of fact, uh, you better only let him see youwhen you’re up at the lake swimming.

Jane: Why?

Gilda: ‘Cause things look bigger under water, stupid.

Jane: Don’t call me stupid, stupid.

Gilda: Stupid yourself! [Jane bops Gilda in the nosewith a piece of cake] Oh, God. … I wish I had aboyfriend.

[The two girls sit silently, glumly chewing their foodas we dissolve to a wider view of the set surroundedby the cameras and the applauding audience, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Pre-Natal Root Canal Therapy”.]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 23

75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Louise Lasser’s Monologue

…..Louise Lasser
…..Joe Dicso
…..Gilda Radner
…..Dan Aykroyd
Land Shark/himself…..Chevy Chase

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Louise Lasser!

[ the audience cheers enthusiastically for nearly a minute ]

Lousie Lasser: Well, that’s nice! Listen, uh — this is a litle strange for me, because this is the first show I’ve done since my own show, and, uh — it’s the ONLY show I’ve done since my show. It’s the only show I’ve SEEN since my own show! [ she laughs ] And one of the reasons why I really do love this show — I mean, I loved it the first time I saw it, because it deals with stuff I like and it just sort of makes new entrees into comedy that I approve of. And it’s just, uh — also, I’ll tell you, it’s a relief to be here. Because right now, on my show, I’m having a nervous breakdown — [ the audience laughs ] Some of you may watch it. I’ve just been committed to an institution. So, tonight, I’m here, committed to you. [ she laughs ]

Now… I wish I could tell you we had a great show for you, but I can’t! [ she laughs ] Uh — no! It’s not because of the show! I mean… the staff, everyone’s great. It’s just that I’m real… tired… [ she laughs ] And they wonder why. And I’m a little scared. And, um… you’re… uh… LIVE! You know what I mean? A LIVE audience! I mean, it’s not — I mean, we don’t work in front of a live audience. [ she looks around uncomfortably ] Our audience is DEAD! [ the audience laughs ] No, it’s not that they’re dead, it’s just that they’re not there! I mean, they’re somewhere. But they’re not… there!

Uh, let me tell you how… how all this happened. Uh, how I got involved with the show is that… [ she rubs her hand over her face ] Lorne Michaels… [ she mutters something unintelligible ] So… Lorne Michaels, who’s the, uh, producer of this show, uh… called me up one day and asked if I, uh… would do the show. He called me, and he said, “I just want you to know it’s not because of, uh, “Mary Hartman” they want you to do it. I’ve always felt that you should do the show.” Evidently, he’d seen me in something on Cable TV, I don’t know… [ the audience laughs ] But, uh, I did say to him, “Listen, you know… what am I gonna do, you know? I’m not a novelist, I don’t have an act, I mean I don’t do that kind of… you know, I don’t do JOKE jokes.” And he said, “Don’t worry about it, you’re naturally funny.” So he looked down at — no! [ she laughs ] No. He said, “You’re naturally funny.” He said you just go out there and you be yourself, and you… quote… “Wing it.”

[ she pauses and looks around uncomfortably ]

So I’m winging it! [ she laughs, then looks off-camera ] What? Oh. Okay. Oh! I’m sorry. Um… So, anyway — So what I decided to do was, I decided that… uh… what I’d like to do is… I-I-I didn’t want the writers to write a story, because I don’t like, you know, contrived stuff very much. So I wanted to tell a personal story that happened to me, that I thought you might find interesting and, you know… you know… YOU KNOW! So anyway, I picked a personal story that I personally think is hilarious. Okay? [ the audience laughs ]

Now… I’m in Beverly Hills — right? [ the audience laughs ] Uh, sorry — it’s not what you think it’s gonna be! I’m in Beverly Hills… and, uh… I’m getting into a cab. I’m going to meet, um, my good friend Jack Nicholson for lunch. [ she stops, points toward the cue card ] I’m sorry, that should be “new” friend. “My new friend…” Let me explain something to you. They use cue cards. I’m not used to cue cards, okay? So they have on the cue card — it says right here, you can see it. It says, uh… “My good friend Jack Nicholson…” when it should be “My new friend…” And it’s not Jack Nicholson, I don’t know Jack Nicholson. Anyway, uh… here is my personal story on cue cards, and Jack Nicholson is in it. So, I-I-I don’t know… [ she stops ] I am tired. [ she laughs ] Right now, I really am tired. [ she stops, drifting off to soem unknown place ] I’m sorry… [ she looks around the stage ] I’m sorry… um… what? [ she looks toward the camera ] Oh! Listen. Let me explain something to you. This is, uh, live TV, which I’m not really used to. Um… um… I’m scared of that. [ the audience laughs ] I don’t think that’s funny. No, I really don’t. And I know, like you — I-I-I — really, honestly, I am scared. I mean, I think you’d be scared if you were standing up here. And i’m really scared, and I know you’re probably a little… scared for me right now. I mean, I — I — [ she turns around ] Oh. [ she looks around confused ] Uh — let me tell you something. Uh — they did tell me that this might happen, and, um… [ she looks around, more confused ] They said that it — that when — [ she keeps looking around ] this kind of thing happens, that it will all come — it WILL all come together! You know?

[ Lasser looks around, more and more confused, then runs off Home Base and across the studio ]

Joe Dicso: Louise! Louise, we’re on the air!

[ Lasser runs into the hall and begins crying ]

Gilda Radner: Louise? What’s the matter?

[ Lasser runs past Gilda, crying, then rushes into her dressing room while mumbling incoherently ]

Gilda Radner: Louise! Louise, it’s me — Gilda!

Lousie Lasser: Oh, Gilda, what am I gonna do! I messed up the whole show! I didn’t know what to do! I couldn’t help it!

Gilda Radner: No, you didn’t — you didn’t mess it up yet! You —

Lousie Lasser: I messed it up and I just can’t DO it right! I mean, I just can’t

Gilda Radner: Yeah, we’ll help you! You know, we’ve done a whole bunch of shows, we can — What’s the matter, you have cramps? We’ll help you, Louise.

[ Dan Aykroyd approaches from the hall ]

Lousie Lasser: Just leave me alone! If you just leave me alone for a few minutes, I think I’ll be fine, I’ll be out, okay?

[ Gilda steps away, as Dan dons sunglasses and takes over ]

Dan Aykroyd: Miss Lasser? Louie P. Stylo, probation officer, County of Los Angeles, State of California! You, uh — you left the sight of a private desert in Los Angeles, Louise, and I gotta come up to you right now, okay? We’ll just clear it up right now, and then you can go on with the show and everything else.

Lousie Lasser: DAN! Could you just stop it, I know your voice!

Dan Aykroyd: LOUISE, I CAN GIVE YOU AUTOMOTIVE PARTS!! I have TIRES… I have all kinds of things at BARGAIN PRICES!

Lousie Lasser: Dan, this is NOT funny! This is very DANGEROUS for me at this moment in time, okay?

Dan Aykroyd: [ stepping away ] Alright, she’s not gonna come out of there… Hey! I gotta go up through the roof.

[ “Jaws” music begins to play, as the Land Shark’s head appears in the frame ]

[ Chevy Chase’s hand emerges from the shark’s mouth and knocks on the door ]

Lousie Lasser: Who is it?

Land Shark: Mrs. Laff — Laff — Mrs. Lasser?

Lousie Lasser: What?

Land Shark: Telegram!

Lousie Lasser: From whom?

Land Shark: [ he clears his throat ] Candy — Candygram, Ma’am!

Lousie Lasser: Who is this?

Land Shark: Half a gram.

Lousie Lasser: What?

Land Shark: Uh — Braidmaker, Ma’am. Uh, here to do your braids.

Lousie Lasser: I really don’t need any braids. Could you please leave me alone? I just need to REST here for a few minutes. That’s all!

Land Shark: Cover of Time Magazine?

Lousie Lasser: What?

Land Shark: Cover of Time!

Lousie Lasser: I’ll be right out.

[ the Land Shark backs out of frame, as Lasser slowly opens the door and emerges ]

Lousie Lasser: Did someone say the cover of Time?

[ Chevy Chase appears as himself ]

Chevy Chase: Yeah.

Lousie Lasser: What do I have to do to get the cover of Time?

Chevy Chase: Uhhh — read this. [ he holds up a cue card ]

Lousie Lasser: [ reading ] “We’ll be right back.” [ confused ] That’s what I have to do to get the cover of Time?

Chevy Chase: That’s it.

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 23

75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Mary Mary

…..Louise Lasser

[FADE IN on an empty stage. In the far background, Louise Lasser can be seen walking down the stairs and across to home base while the audience applauds. She is in her trademark braids, with a blue shirt and red bell-bottoms. Barefoot, she carries a pair of stocky, thick-heeled shoes in her right hand and sits cross-legged in the middle of home base. Live piano music plays softly in the background.]

Louise Lasser: I know… I’m, um… [panting] …kind of late. But I had a few things to rinse out, so… I’m gonna just, uh, sit here and put my shoes on, on the wrong foot… So here I am, I’m putting my shoes on in front of twenty-two million people at about 1:30 in the morning. Something you see every day. I’m exhausted. But, you know… Ow.

[She pulls one shoe off her right foot and lets lt lie next to her.]

Louise Lasser: But it’s funny, you know. It’s not like I’m exhausted–I mean, I don’t mean I’m exhuasted from tonight, I’m just exhausted from this year, I mean, God. What a year, huh? I mean, this has been like the most incredible year for me, I mean, so many things have happened to me, y’know, great and awful, and… How it started–Norman Lear called me up a year ago and he said to me, “I got this part for you, you know you’re gonna hate,” he said, “You want it?” So I said “No,” I mean, I’m not that stupid, y’know… So then he sent me flowers, and I said “Okay.” I said, “What’s the part?” He said, “Mary.”

[starts singing hoarsely]

Louise Lasser: “Mary… plain as any name can be…”

[Louise looks lost for a moment.]

So we started into production, and… people seemed to like the show, y’know? People would see me on the street, and they would come over and they would like kiss me, and they would hug me, and then they began to come to my house, and then they began to come to my house in cars, and they began to come to my house in buses that parked on my lawn, and, and this wasn’t quite as nice as the kissing and hugging part, so… Finally, y’know, I called this friend that I hired to guard and live in my house, because there were just so many people visiting me that… Not that I wasn’t grateful… But, so anyway, I called him and I said, “Listen, I’m really tired of people asking where they can get orangeade and then getting it for them.” So, he said fine, and then the next day, not only did he move out of my house, but he moved my house. I mean, the man stole everything in my house, I mean everything. I mean, he stole the furniture, the washer, the dryer. In one room, he actually stole the wallpaper off the wall. Which, actually, I thought showed some good taste on his part. [giggling] This “friend,” by the way, uh, is a very big fan of the shows. And I thought, “Doesn’t he realize he’s not robbing from me? He’s… he’s robbing Mary.”

[sings] “Mary… plain as any name can be…”

[soft laughter]

Louise Lasser: Oh! And then one day, I’m in Beverly Hills. I went to Beverly Hills–it was my friend’s birthday, and I decided to have a surprise party for her–and I… I just wanted to buy a great birthday present for her, so I went to this great toy store in Beverly Hills, and…

[laughter]

What a fabulous doll’s house.

[laughter and applause]

I mean, I mean, there was a room for me in there, y’know? It was just great. And then, I dunno, I think I didn’t have any of the… I didn’t have any of the right credit cards, I had credit cards, I just didn’t have any of the right credit cards. So they wouldn’t take a blank check, and then the next thing I remember there were a lot of policemen. And then I wasn’t in the toy store, I was in another building. The Municipal Building. It’s a very nice building, actually, very Thirties. [laughter] And they booked me. They booked Mary.

[sings] “Mary… plain as any name can be…”

[laughter and applause]

“But with propriety… society…”

[Louise rubs her lip and looks bewildered again.]

Louise Lasser: Okay, um, so, the next thing I know, I’m in this jail, and they’re questioning me. They took pictures of me–not great pictures, not terrible, though. I mean, not great, but I wouldn’t send them out as Christmas cards, let’s put it that way. And I found that they were less interested in autographs than they were in fingerprints. But I was very good at fingerprints, I mean really good–and there is a trick to how you do fingerprints. [demonstrates with right hand] What you have to do is, you just have to lop your finger into that ink, and you just follow through. [makes windmill motion] And I thought to myself… “What a minute. These are my fingerprints, but… they also belong to Mary.”

[piano cue]

[singing] “Mary… long before the fashion came…”

[Louise looks bewildered once again.]

Louise Lasser: [painfully] So then they threw me into this jail… cell. And I got, ah, real scared then. And I said, “Please don’t let me be in this cell all alone, don’t let me be in this cell all alone.” So what they did was, they stuck me, y’know, into a different cell, which I thought was real nice of them, y’know, that was real nice of ’em, they didn’t have to do that. They stuck me in a different kind of cell. This one had killers and hookers and rapists: y’know, my kind of people, your kind of people. Our kind of people. So I spoke to one of the hookers, who got arrested for hooking at the Hilton. And I said to her, y’know, “When you get out of here, you ever gonna do it again?” And she said, “Not at the Hilton.”

[laughter]

So then she looked me up and down and said, “Well, why you? Don’t you make enough money playing Mary?”

[piano cue]

[singing] “Mary…”

[She chuckles and grins.]

Louise Lasser: So then I got sprung, and… as we say in the “underworld…” I found I had gotten a huge amount of publicity, but I mean huge. I mean, I don’t just mean magazine covers. I mean Channels 2 through 13, at six o’clock, eleven o’clock, and right before they played the National Anthem. This is the way it went, this is the way it went. It was murders, wars, me, “O say can you see…” every night. So what happened was, to protect me, the show rented a house for me. And also to protect me, what I had to do is, I had to go to work, lying in the backseat of a station wagon under a blanket for a month straight. Just like Barbra Streisand, Jack Nicholson, y’know, all the big stars do it that way.

[ripples of laughter]

But at least I had my new house. [pause] Till I got robbed in a new way. This time… he stole everything but the TV. So that night I could watch exactly how he robbed me. I watched it on the late news, followed of course by “The Star-Spangled Banner,” one of the few things I still have to look forward to. And of course, I could watch… Mary.

[piano cue]

[singing] “Mary… plain as any name can be…”

[She drops her head and appears on the verge of tears.]

[singing] “But with…” [long pause] “…propriety…”

[pause]

Louise Lasser: So that was my year pretty much, y’know? It’s just your random robberies, arrests, and stardom. And I think, “Why?” I mean, why did all this happen? And then I remember, it’s… it’s because of Mary. I mean, that’s Mary… who made me rich, famous, and a known criminal. [subdued laughter] Who put my face on the cover of “Rolling Stone,” “Ms.,” “People,” “Newsweek,” and “Crime Gazette.” Listen… she hasn’t been easy to live with, but… she’s okay. Because the truth is, if it wasn’t for Mary… you never would’ve watched Louise put her shoes on.

[ZOOM OUT as she grins and tugs on her left shoe.]

I like her.

[Audience breaks into applause as Louise remains cross-legged at home base. FADE to a long shot of her, PAN across the audience into the balcony, then FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

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