Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt Companion…..Kate McKinnon
(A Lothario type with a white suit and a rather pathetic goatee struts into a bar.)
Announcer: He can make a woman cringe, just by entering a room.
(The man fires his fingers like a gun at two beautiful women, who cringe and look away. He sidles up to one and she walks away in disgust.)
He owns five different styles of fedora.
(In his bathroom, the man tries on different fedoras, finding one he approves of.)
When he orders at Starbucks, he always gives a fake name.
(A Barista hands him a cup, which he proudly displays as being labeled “King Dong.”)
He claims he dated a model, but her only modeling work was an ad for her dad’s Car dealership, and they never had sex.
(He lovingly caresses a framed portrait of a woman, nodding self-satisfactorally)
He can sort of break-dance.
(He does, for an unimpressed-looking woman.)
And he accidentally sent a photo of his penis to the guy who just delivered his chinese food.
He is…the Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World.
(The Man sits at a bar, with a Tres Equis beer, next to a very bored looking blonde companion.)
Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer “Tres Equis.” It’s one equis better than my dad’s beer, because he was never there for me. It’s two parts “Dos Equis” and one part none of your business. (Raising his beer in a toast) Keep Bangin’, my friends.
Announcer: Tres Equis. That means “Triple X,” homies.
Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: (Toasting) To boobies!
[ open on TV advertisement screen of open-mouthed couple ]
Announcer: If you’re looking for a home, look no further than Powers Realty.
[ dissolve to Burt and Blair Powers ]
Burt Powers: Hi! We’re real estate team Burt and Blair Powers, from POWERS Realty!
Blair Powers: You’ve seen our ads around town.
Burt Powers: When you come to us and ask us to find the home of your dreams, WE! COME! THROUGH!
Blair Powers: But now, we have something to ask you.
Burt Powers: [ he sighs ] Please stop drawing butts and weiners on our advertisements!
Blair Powers: Please!
Burt Powers: You may not know it, but it hurts my feelings when I see my wife of twelve years going to town on a floating shaf and balls.
Blair Powers: We’re trying to find you a home. Don’t mar the experience by drawing the seeds of man splattered on my face. That’s not fun!
Burt Powers: We know we are partially to blame. We took the pictures with our mouthes WIDE OPEN, as if to say… “Put something AWFUL in here!”
Blair Powers: Awful things, like: [ reveal montage of marred advertisements ] Big weiners. Little weiners. A squadron of tiny airplanes that are shaped like weiners. And my husband and I having an absurd conversation about our hunger for balls.
Burt Powers: Come on, folks! There’s a time and a place for that!
Blair Powers: Nowhere and NEVER! So don’t give my husband a black eye and then imply that he got being pistol-whipped by a ding-dong! First of all, don’t… second of all, don’t!
Burt Powers: Let’s talk about our bus picture on 24th Street outside the Yogurt Land. That thing is a disaster!
Blair Powers: You know the one. It suggests that my husband poops gold coins and then those gold coins somehow find their way into my mouth and I enjoy them for dinner — No, I don’t!
Burt Powers: Don’t do it!
Blair Powers: Don’t do it! You’re hurting our whole family. [ Teenager comes into position ] Meet our poor son, Carmine. He hates it!
Burt Powers: Tell them what you saw outside your school, Carm-Carm!
Carmine Powers: Yeah, I… well, I saw my Mom with poop on her head, Dad with a big foot, Mom with a weiner, Dad with a thought bubble that says “I’m coocoo for ponopuffs”, Mom eating a fart, Dad eating a wang sandwich, And both of them playing Penis Tennis at Wimbledong.
Burt Powers: Folks, that was all on ONE billboard! What’s wrong with YOU?!
[ in the background, Carmine proceeds to draw more weiners on his parents’ poster ]
Burt Powers: So, if you want to take a ride to your dream home and, uh…
[ suddenly, time runs short and we dissolve straight to the night’s final bumper ]
…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt Audience Member #1…..Aidy Bryant Audience Member #2…..Kenan Thompson Audience Member #3…..Cecily Strong Audience Member #4…..Nasim Pedrad Dancer #1…..Jay Pharoah Dancer #2…..Taran Killam Dancer #3…..Bobby Moynihan
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Joseph Gordon-Levitt!
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: It is so great to be here, back hosting Saturday Night Live! You know, this year has been so amazing! Ive been lucky to be in some great movies….. I have the movie Looper coming out. In that movie, I play a young version of Bruce Willis — so I guess I play Ashton Kutcher. I was also in The Dark Knight Rises.
But, you know what my favorite superhero movie of the summer was? Magic Mike — Im serious, my friend Channing Tatum was so great in that. You know what my favorite part of Magic Mike was? This part!
[ Joseph rips of his suit and is now draped in only a vest, trousers, and fedora. The Weather Girls Its Raining Men starts playing. AUDIENCE MEMBERS 1-3 are in glee. Joseph gyrates his pelvis while twirling an umbrella. He then proceeds to do push-ups and removes his fedora. ]
[ ENTER DANCERS 1-3. All are dressed in the same manner as Joseph. Everyone removes their vest to show their bare chest except Bobby, whos wearing a smaller vest underneath his previous vest. ]
[ Joseph notices a FOURTH AUIDENCE MEMBER and makes his way over to her. Hes holding a Cosmopolitan drink and excited to see him. Joseph grinds her face into her crotch so hard she spills her drink. ]
[ Bobby hands Joseph a confetti cannon and he fires it into the audience. ]
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: We got a great show tonight! Mumford and Sons are here! Stick around, well be right back!
Larry Sandusky…..Bill Hader Chris…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt Kenan…..Kenan Thompson Jason…..Jason Sudeikis Hey Dude!…..Mumford and Sons
[ open on three buddies sitting at table in a London pub ]
Larry: Big day tomorrow! You ready?
Chris: I’m ready! Man, I really appreciate you guys flying all the way out here to London!
Kenan: Hey, man — You’re marrying a British girl, we get to try some British beers… that’s a win-win!
[ Jason steps forward ]
Jason: Did somebody say “beers”?
[ everyone excitedly grabs a beer ]
Jason: I tell you what, man — I am DIGGING the vibe of this place! London, England ROCKS! And I don’t know if you guys saw this, but it looks like they’ve got a cool Beatles cover band playing tonight.
[ the cover band, Hey Dude!, starts their set ]
Lead Singer: Good evening, everybody! We’re Hey, Dude! This first one goes out to Chris, who we heard is getting married tomorrow.
[ the buddies cheer ]
Chris: Did you guys do this?
Jason: Sure did!
Lead Singer: This one’s for you, Chris.
[ the band breaks into The Beatles’ “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away” ]
Chris: Aw, that’s my favorite song!
Jason: I know!
Chris: Thanks so much!
Jason: Absolutely!
Chris: So — how’s everybody’s trip been?
Jason: Hmm… Well, me and my lady had a little bit of a tough time getting through Customs. They ended up searching both of us and going through our bags. It got pretty intense?
Larry: They find anything?
Jason: Uh, yeah. Yeah. They found my girlfriend’s vibrator. Accidentally got switched on at some point during the flight, and they thought it might have been a BOMB or something.
Chris: Wow! So, then, did everyone around you see it?
Jason: [ laughing ] No! No! Thank God, no! They had to take us to a private room to, uh… to pull it out of my ass!
Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”
Jason: But the BATTERY is still in there!
Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”
Chris: [ to KT ] So, you’ve been in London for a while now, right?
Kenan: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All summer.
Jason: You having fun?
Kenan: Absolutely!
Jason: Oh, yeah? What, have you got a few ladies in the mix?
Kenan: Maybe! [ the guys chuckle mischieviously ] Seriously, though — I’ve been getting ladies up and down this city. I mean, it’s so much easier than back home, especially with these foreign girls. I was with this Croatian chick last night who was crazy about me.
Jason: Mmm.
Kenan: I mean, maybe not me. I told her I came here to be in the Olympics… and I never left.
Larry: Hey, man, that lady’s gonna be disappointed when she finds out you’re not an athlete.
Kenan: I know. She’s gonna be even MORE disappointed when she finds out that Michael Phelps is WHITE!
Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”
Kenan: [ holding up a CD with ribbon tied to it ] And THIS ain’t no gold medal!
Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”
Larry: You know what this song reminds me of?
Jason: Mmm-mmm.
Larry: My dad. He was a huge, HUGE Beatles fan. He got me into them as well. When I was a kid, he always said he’d take me to London, walk Abbey Road… but it never happened. He was always busy, wither with work or some charity stuff… he just never had time for me.
Kenan: Oh, that’s too bad, man…
Larry: It’s ironic, ’cause, six years later, I’M the busy one… and he’s got all the time in the world.
Jason: Oh, yeah — “Cat’s in the Cradle”, man!
Kenan: You should have brought him on this trip.
Larry: I can’t do that, he’s… he’s in JAIL. Yeah, just another day in the life of LARRY SANDUSKY!
Jason: Yeahhhhh!
Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”
Larry: My dad is JERRY Sandusky!
Jason: Yeah, I know!
Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”
Chris: Man, I LOVE The Beatles! You know, I’ve been tying to get my nephew into them…
Jason: Ah! Now, see — THAT’S a good uncle! How old’s this kid?
Chris: 11. His parents aren’t around any more, so he came to live with me and Lori.
Larry: That’s a big change for you guys.
Chris: Yeah! And, honestly, I didn’t like having him around at first, it was kind of a BURDEN. But we’ve started doing al this stuff together…
Jason: That’s good!
Chris: Yeah, he’s got this adventerous spirit! We started going to ball games and museusm, and I asked him: If he could go anywhere, where would it be? So he said, “Mexico”, and I said, “Alright, let’s do it!”
Jason: Nice! How did he like it?
Chris: It’s hard to say. I put him on a bus three months ago, and I haven’t seen him since!
Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”
Chris: He sent me a letter — I did NOT open it!
Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!! Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!! Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!! Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!! Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away…!!”
[ the buddies and the cover band stand up to sing and dance through the audience, as the scene fades ]
Kelly Ripa…..Nasim Pedrad Michael Strahan…..Jay Pharoah Robert Pattinson…..Bill Hader
Announcer: It’s “Live! with Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan”!
[ dissolve to Kelly and Michael waving from their set ]
Kelly Ripa: [ overly chipper ] Good morning, everyone! Hiiiii!
Michael Strahan: [ stiff and serious ] It is such a NICE morning! It is just so, so GORGEOUS!
Kelly Ripa: It’s been two weeks, and I just have to say: I LOVE my new co-host Michael Strahan! You’re GREAT!! [ she smacks him on the arm ]
Michael Strahan: [ chuckling heartily ] I mean, I am SO happy to BE here! I just can’t believe this is a JOB! You know, I woke up fifteen minutes ago and I’ll be dead asleep again in 45 minutes! You know, it’s like I’m living the life of a rich bear!
Kelly Ripa: I never sleep! One time I shut my eyes for a second and accidentally slept for a year-and-a-half! That’s why I stopped blinking!
Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] I LOVE this girl! Look how SMALL she is! I mean, we look like the poster for “Blind Side”!
Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] Stop it!
Michael Strahan: So, Kelly, how was your weekend?
Kelly Ripa: You know, I took it easy — I shot TWO washer-dryer commercials, packed my kids’ school lunches for an entire school year, did 10,000 push-ups, and went to a gay raid with Anderson Cooper! How about you?
Michael Strahan: [ he shrugs ] Well… I mostly just sat around and busted through the elbows of all my sweaters!
Kelly Ripa: Oh, and don’t forget you and I hung out!
Michael Strahan: Oh, that’s right! I think we have a PICTURE!
[ reveal photo of giant Michael pointing to Kelly in a baby sling around his chest ]
Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] That was so FUN! Although, you are suprisingly HEAVY!
Kelly Ripa: Yeah! I may look small, but I am DENSE as a moon rock! You know, when Andy cohen and I went to the Dead Sea, I sank right to the bottom! [ she shrugs ]
Michael Strahan: I mean, she is the STRONGEST tiniest person I ever met! You know, I just want to put her between my TEETH and carry her HOME!
Kelly Ripa: Quick, Michael! Favorite TV show — on the count of three!
Together: “THE BACHELORETTE”!! [ they high-five one another ]
Michael Strahan: [ holding his hand ] Oh, my God, it’s like slapping a piece of SHEETROCK!
Kelly Ripa: Okay, so we have some headlines to talk about! [ she holds up a newspaper with headline: “Emmy Fever” ] The EMMYS are this Sunday, and I just have to say: I’m EXCITED! [she puts the newspaper down ]
Michael Strahan: [ he grimaces ] Wha… wait. Is that all you’re gonna say?
Kelly Ripa: Yes!
Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] Oh, my GOD! This job is so EASY!!
Kelly Ripa: I know! I know!
Michael Strahan: I can’t believe I got smashed in the head every day for FIFTEEN YEARS while THIS was a JOB!
Kelly Ripa: Right! Why did you do that? Alright, our first guest is the star of the “Twilight” franchise — please welcome Robert Pattinson!
[ Pattinson gloomily steps out and sits beside his hosts ]
Robert Pattinson: Hello. Hello. Thank you for having me. As you can tell, I’m pretty excited to be here.
Kelly Ripa: Robert, a lot of reports are circulating that you and Kristen Stewart are finally back together.
Robert Pattinson: I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here to talk about my movie — “Cosmopolis.”
Kelly Ripa: Oh, THAT reminds me: Later in the show, Bethany Frankel will be showing us som new Cosmo recipes!
Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] Cosmo? That’s AMAZING! At my last job, I had to wear a CUP!
Kelly Ripa: So, Robert… how are you handling all the media attention?
Robert Pattinson: Oh… some days, I’m like… [ he part his hair to one side ] Then other days, I’m like… [ he parts his hair back in the other direction ] And sometimes, I’m all… [ he bunches his hair up the middle ]
Kelly Ripa: You know, Robert… when I’m down in the dumps — which has happened twice — I hit the gym for soem light exercise. That’s how I got these! [ she lifts her shirt to reveal washboard abs ]
Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] I mean, look at us TOGETHER! We’re like that thing in the news when elephants and dogs are FRIENDS!
Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] That is so true! Oh! Robert! Where do you and Kristen see yourselves in… wait. Michael, what is he doing?
Michael Strahan: I don’t know. I think he’s brooding.
[ reveal Pattinson standing against the wall with a pouty face ]
Kelly Ripa: [ hyperventilating ] That is SEXY! Ladies, can you believe I get PAID to DO this?!
Michael Strahan: Hold, on, wait! Were getting PAID, too?
Kelly Ripa: Yeah!
Michael Strahan: This just keeps getting BETTER! I mean, yesterday Mario Batali made me pasta, and all I had to say was: “Yummmmmmm!!”
Kelly Ripa: When we come back, a musical performance by me and Michael’s favorite band…
Together: TRAIN!!!
Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] I’m gonna get in my P.J.’s!
Kelly Ripa: And…
Together: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!”
Comedian…..Bill Hader Tommy Bergamont…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt Curtis…..Taran Killam Sharee…..Vanessa Bayer Woman in Audience…..Aidy Bryant Man in Audience…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on exterior, Whiskey Pete’s, Las Vegas ]
[ dissolve to interior, stage show ]
Comedian: …Turns out the keys were in my pants the whole time! [ the audience laughs ] Alright, everybody — that’s my set. Next on the Burgundy Room… please welcome the very best hypnotist this side of the strip — Tommy Bergamont! Here he is, alright!
[ Comedian exits the stage, as dramatic music plays and the intense Tommy Bergamont steps out ]
Tommy Bergamont: Thank you. Good evening. I am Thomas Bergamont, and tonight, ladies and gentlemen, what you will see is GUARANTEED to amaze! Now, I’m going to need a victim — I mean, a volunteer. Who will it be?
Sharee: [ grabbing her husband ] Oh, him! Pick him!
Tommy Bergamont: YOU, Sir! The gentlemen avoiding my gaze! Help me get him up here, folks!
[ the crowd cheers Curtis up to the stage ]
Tommy Bergamont: What is your name, friend?
Curtis: [ he shrugs ] Curtis.
Tommy Bergamont: And, Curtis — is this your first time being hypnotized?
Curtis: [ nervously ] Yes, it is!
Tommy Bergamont: Feeling a little nervous with all these people watching you?
Curtis: [ he chuckles ] A little bit, but as my wife, Sharee, will attest… I’ve always been a bit of a ham!
[ in the audience, Sharee laughs and smiles to the others ]
Tommy Bergamont: Well, I’m going to take GOOD care of you, Curtis! Now, have a seat… [ Curtis sits ] and close your eyes. Curtis! Listen only to the sound of my voice. I am going to count backwards from 3… and by the time I reach 1, you will be in a deep trance. Listen to my voice: 3… 2… and 1! Sleep! Pow! [ Curtis hangs his head ] Ladies and gentlemen, Curtis… has been hypnotized!
[ suddenly, Curtis raises his head and smiles at the audience while mouthing, “I’m not hypnotized!” ]
Tommy Bergamont: Curtis, in a moment, I will snap my fingers! You will remember NOTHING of this conversation, but every time you hear the word… “BUFFET”… you will feel the overwhelming desire to act like a dinosaur, a big, ferocious Tyrannosaurus Rex! [ behind him, Curtis laughs ] Do you understand, Curtis?
Curtis: [ he hangs his head ] Yes.
Tommy Bergamont: Very good! And… [ he snaps his finger ] AWAKE!! [ Curtis lifts his head ] Hello, Curtis!
Curtis: Hi.
Tommy Bergamont: Do you remember any of the conversation we just had?
Curtis: Did we… hav a conversation?
Tommy Bergamont: Oh, yes, we did! But it was nothing important! I was telling you how you should try… THE BUFFET!!
[ Curtis jumps to his feet and screeches like a dinosaur ]
Tommy Bergamont: Oh, my! Isn’t he TERRIFYING? I thought he was EXTINCT! [ Curtis bounds and screeches across the stage ] If you ask me… I’d prefer BARNEY! And… [ he snaps his finger ] SLEEP!! POW!! [ Curtis hangs his head ] And just like THAT, ladies and gentlemen… he’s back in a trance!
[ Curtis lifts his head, laughs and mouths, “No, I’m not!” to the audience, then lowers his head ]
Tommy Bergamont: What do you say we have some REAL fun, Curtis? From now on, when you hear the word… PAI-GOW… you will suddenly become very hot. Unbearably hot! So hot, that you will do ANYTHING to cool down! Do you understand, Curtis?
Curtis: Yes.
Tommy Bergamont: Wonderful! And… [ he snaps his finger ] AWAKE!! [ Curtis lifts his head ] And how are you feeling, Curtis?
Curtis: [ he shrugs ] Just fine.
Tommy Bergamont: Well… maybe you should try your luck… at the PAI GOW table!
[ Curtis gasps and quickly unbuttons his shirt ]
Tommy Bergamont: [ he winces ] You okay, Curtis?
Curtis: Yeah… it’s just… very hot… [ he grins sheepishly at the audience from behind his shirt ]
Tommy Bergamont: Curtis! What are you doing?! I don’t think this is very appropriate!
[ Curtis drops his pants ]
Tommy Bergamont: Oh, my! where’s your MODESTY?!
Curtis: It’s so HOT!!
Tommy Bergamont: Curtis! BUFFET!
[ now only in his drawers, Curtis screeches like a dinosaur ]
Tommy Bergamont: Oh, no! Curtis the Dinosaur is back! And THID dinosaur… is looking for a MATE! Aren’t you, Curtis?
[ Curtis screeches, then sniffs his way through the audience ]
Woman in Audience: Oh… oh, please don’t touch me…
Tommy Bergamont: Oh, Curtis — did I forget to tell you… you’re a FEMALE dinosaur?
[ Curtis stops, grimaches, then screeches in the face of a man in the front row ]
Man in Audience: Don’t do it, dude!
Curtis: [ whispering ] I’m not really hypnotized!
Man in Audience: Well — then, shame on YOU!
Curtis: It’s okay!
[ Curtis proceeds to dry-hump the man in the audience ]
Man in Audience: [ horrified ] Hey, man!! This man is not really hypnotized!!
Tommy Bergamont: What’s that you say?
[ Curtis laughs, then returns to the stage ]
Curtis: I’m sorry! I’m not really hypnotized.
Tommy Bergamont: I promise you — you ARE hypnotized!
Curtis: Ask them! I was goofing!
Tommy Bergamont: Curtis! When I snap my fingers, you will reveal your DARKEST secret! [ he snaps his fingers ]
Curtis: [ head down, in a trance ] I’m cheating on my wife with her sister.
[ Curtis lifts his head, horrified. Tommy is pleased. Sharee is also horrified. ]
Curtis: Uh… no! No, no… Sheri! Uh — uh — he TOLD me to say that! I WAS hypnotized! That was part of the show!
Sharee: Well, Happy birthday to ME!!
[ Sharee runs off crying ]
Curtis: No! Sharee! [ to Tommy ] My God! You RUINED my life!! Why?! Why-y-y-y-y?! [ he kneels down and cries ]
Tommy Bergamont: Well… this is unfortunate. But, as you can see, I DID, in fact, hypnotize Curtis!
[ suddenly, Curtis lifts his head and laughs. Sharee steps over and joins him in the joke. ]
Tommy Bergamont: Hopefully, he can repair things with the Missus! But THAT… is the POWER of suggestion!
[ Tommy turns to see Curtis and Sharee laughing at him ]
Private Eye Sam Flint…..Bill Hader Mr. Morelli…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
[ open on Sam Flint’s office ]
Sam Flint: [ pouring a drink ] Nature’s Little Helper?
Mr. Morelli: Uh — if it’s alright with you, Mr. Flint, I’d rather just get on with it.
Sam Flint: Let me ask you a question, Mr. Morelli — Do you love your wife?
Mr. Morelli: Of course, I do!
Sam Flint: Go home, turn on the ball game, forget you were hired.
Mr. Morelli: No, if something’s going on with Lana, I HAVE to know!
Sam Flint: Alright. Well, it’s your dime. Mr. Morelli… your wife’s cheating on you.
[ music sting ]
Mr. Morelli: How do you know that?
Sam Flint: I’ve been tailing Lana for the last couple of weeks. I’m afraid I have some pretty incriminating pictures.
Mr. Morelli: [ devastated ] I knew it! So STUPID, Clarence! I put my trust in that woman! Alright… let me see the pictures.
Sam Flint: Mr. Morelli, once you see these, you can’t UNsee them.
Mr. Morelli: Are you a P.I., or what?! Now, show me the pictures!!
[ music sting ]
Sam Flint: Remember last week, when your wife was… [ he makes quotes-signs with his fingers ] “visiting her sister”? She lied to you. I followed her to the park. It turns out… she was up to something VERY different! [ he holds up a cartoon drawing of a woman playing tennis ] Did you know your wife plays TENNIS, Mr. Morelli?
Mr. Morelli: [ confused ] Wait… what?
Sam Flint: Do you know she plays it… [ holds up cartoon drawing of a man on a scooter ] with this man?!
Mr. Morelli: Those are cartoons.
Sam Flint: Not cartoons. CARICATURES!
Mr. Morelli: [ confused ] Wait, I don’t understand… did you draw these?
Sam Flint: Guilty as charged! [ he chuckles ] But not as guilty… [ he holds up cartoon drawing on woman and man on scooter together ] as THESE two lovebirds! I should have mentioned this earlier, but, if you see anything you like, these ARE for purchase!
Mr. Morelli: I’m not here to talk about these cartoons! I want to hear more about this guy you saw with my wife!!
Sam Flint: I know. His name is… [ he holds a hand-drawn nameplate ] Kevin. [ music sting ] It’s a little hard to make out, but… it’s safe to say the guy loves dolphins! [ he holds up a bottle ] I suppose you’ll want that drink now?
Mr. Morelli: I don’t want no damn drink!
Sam Flint: Well, when you do, it’s five bucks.
Mr. Morelli: You are the lousiest detective I’ve ever seen! You can’t even take a photograph? Instead, you’re showing me doodles of tennis and bike rides? That don’t PROVE she cheated on me!
Sam Flint: Uh… you’re right. It doesn’t. But… THIS does. [ he holds up a cartoon drawing of himself in bed with the couple ] That’s your wife, that’s Kevin, and that’s me.
Mr. Morelli: Wha… why would you do that?
Sam Flint: I had to see how far they would take it.
Mr. Morelli: You’re a MONSTER!!
Sam Flint: I’m not the monster! [ he holds up a cartoon drawing of a monster ] THAT’S a monster! [ proudly ] I call ihm “Feebles”! I’m trying to get a little Sunday strip. Tough racket! No one wants anything original these days.
Mr. Morelli: This is INSANITY!!
Sam Flint: It’s not insanity! It’s Little Armenia!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 38: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
September 22nd, 2012 Joseph Gordon-Levitt Mumford and Sons None None None Live With Kelly & MichaelSummary: Kelly Ripa (Nasim Pedrad) gabs with her new permanent morning bo-host Michael Strahan (Jay Pharoah). Recurring Characters: Kelly Ripa. Transcript
Montage
Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s MonologueSummary: Joseph Gordon-Levitt is excited about his recent slate of movies, but is most stoked about Channing Tatum’s role in “Magic Mike” and performs his own version of the “It’s Raining Men” sequence. Transcript
Low-Information Voters Of AmericaSummary: America’s undecided voters have an extensive collection of unreleated questions to ask about this year’s Presidential election. Transcript
Tres EquisSummary: Son of the world’s most interesting man (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) lives vicariously in his father’s shadow. Transcript
Private EyeSummary: Private eye Sam Flint (Bill Hader) has tailed his Mr. Morelli’s (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) cheating wife, but only has hand-drawn caricatures to prove it. Transcript
Tres Equis IISummary: Son of the world’s most interesting man (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) gets into a heated argument with his absentee father (Jason Sudeikis). Transcript
HypnotistSummary: Curtis (Taran Killam) humors hypnotist Tommy Bergamont (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) into believing he’s put him under a deep, suggestive trance. Transcript
G.O.B. TamponsSummary: The new tampon designed by members of the Republican Party.
Mumford and Sons perform “I Will Wait”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers asks “What Are You Thinking?” after President Barack Obama makes an unnecessary verbal gaffe. Bashar al-Assad’s best friends from growing up (Fred Armisen, Vanessa Bayer) whisper about him behind his back. Anne Romney (Kate McKinnon) insists that she and Mitt are more connected to the average American than the celebrity-friendly Barack and Michelle Obama. ESPN anchor Stephen A. Smith (Jay Pharoah) name-drops athletes he’s only vaguely connected to. Recurring Characters: Anne Romney, Bill Perry.
LondonSummary: Bar buddies sing along to Hey Dude’s! (Mumford and Sons) cover version of “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away” and reminisce about odd times on the eve of Chris’ (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) wedding. Recurring Characters: Bar Buddies. Transcript
The Finer ThingsSummary: Hosts Swade (Kenan Thompson) and Fort Knox (Jay Pharoah) discuss fine things like handbags and long-stemmed wine glasses with Jake Thriller (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and Teddy Graham (Bobby Moynihan).
Mumford and Sons perform “Below My Feet”
Our DaughterSummary: Mr. McKeon (Fred Armisen) sets up co-worker Tom (Tim Robinson) with his daughter Evelyn (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), and introduces her awkwardly via an elaborate vocal performance.
Powers RealtySummary: Burt (Tim Robinson) and Blair (Nasim Pedrad) speak out against the pranksters who are drawing balls and weiners all over their open-mouthed bust stop advertisements. Transcript
[ open on Ezekiel and Elijah Yoder holding wooden spoons ]
Elijah Yoder: I’m Elijah Yoder.
Ezekiel Yoder: And I’m Ezekiel Yoder.
Elijah Yoder: Our family has been making and trading wooden spoons for over 100 summers!
Ezekiel Yoder: And now, thanks to a conversation my brother had with a fast-talking concrete-dwellin’ man, you can now purchase our wooden spoons on something called… Internet.
Elijah Yoder: To see our wooden spoons, just select these symbols on your light box!
[ they hold up the web address “www.woodenspoonwarehouse.com” on a sign ]
Ezekiel Yoder: Double valley, Double valley, Double valley. Time freckle. Double valley, Owl’s eyes, Stringless harp, Broken ladder, Hurt snake, Fine snake, Fat snake, Owl’s eyes, Hurt snake, Double valley, Lean-to, Fat snake with a sex penis, Broken ladder, Horse bridge, Child’s toy, Bull scrotum, The river what took my son… [ he bows his head ] The three-fingered man dot com.
Air Date:
Summary: America’s undecided voters have an extensive collection of unreleated questions to ask about this year’s Presidential election.
Summary: Son of the world’s most interesting man (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) gets into a heated argument with his absentee father (Jason Sudeikis).
Summary: The new tampon designed by members of the Republican Party.
Summary: Seth Meyers asks “What Are You Thinking?” after President Barack Obama makes an unnecessary verbal gaffe. Bashar al-Assad’s best friends from growing up (Fred Armisen, Vanessa Bayer) whisper about him behind his back. Anne Romney (Kate McKinnon) insists that she and Mitt are more connected to the average American than the celebrity-friendly Barack and Michelle Obama. ESPN anchor Stephen A. Smith (Jay Pharoah) name-drops athletes he’s only vaguely connected to.
Summary: Hosts Swade (Kenan Thompson) and Fort Knox (Jay Pharoah) discuss fine things like handbags and long-stemmed wine glasses with Jake Thriller (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and Teddy Graham (Bobby Moynihan).
Summary: Mr. McKeon (Fred Armisen) sets up co-worker Tom (Tim Robinson) with his daughter Evelyn (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), and introduces her awkwardly via an elaborate vocal performance.