Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 15

09o: Jennifer Lopez

Undercover Celebrity Boss

Steve Jobs…..Fred Armisen
Female Office Worker…..Abby Elliott
Richard Branson…..Bill Hader
Male Office Worker…..Bobby Moynihan
Warehouse Manager…..Kenan Thompson
Mary-Kate Olson…..Nasim Pedrad
Ashley Olson…..Jenny Slate
Director…..Jason Sudeikis
Martha Stewart…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on montage footage of “Undercover Boss” ]

Announcer: It’s official. America loves “Undercover Boss,” the hit new show where top executives go undercover as entry-level workers in their own company. But what happens when the C.E.O. is a C.E.L.E.B.? It’s “Undercover Celebrity Boss.” Watch Steve Jobs empty a trash can.

[ cut to Steve Jobs as janitor talking to an office worker ]

Steve Jobs: This trash can… holds over 35 gallons… of trash. It plays music.

Female Office Worker: No, it doesn’t.

Steve Jobs: You can watch movies inside it.

Female Office Worker: Inside a trash can? [ she is unimpressed ]

Steve Jobs: The iTrash. [ he picks up a smaller can ] And now, the trash shuffle. Thank you! Thanks!

[ cut to next blurb ]

Announcer: And what happens when Virgin CEO Richard Branson loses his secretarial virginity?

[ cut to Richard Branson as secretary approaching an office worker ]

Richard Branson: [ laughing ] Here are those files you requested, Boss!

Male Office Worker: Oh, okay. So, you’re Richard Branson.

Richard Branson: [ guffawing ] Who? What? What gave me away?

Male Office Worker: Well, you showed up for work in a space shuttle… and you parachuted into a meeting… and then you screamed: “I am Sir Richard Branson!”

Richard Branson: I did! I own all this!

[ cut to warehouse exterior ]

Announcer: Then visit the warehouse, with mini-moguls Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Warehouse Manager: I don’t think you guys should be loading heavy boxes.

Mary-Kate Olsen: Why not? It’s not like we’re the Olsen Twins.

Ashley Olsen: Yeah, we’re just a couple of normal-sized warehouse workers.

Warehouse Manager: All right.

[ he lifts a box and places it in the hands of the Olson Twins, who collapse under the weight ]

[ cut to the next blurb ]

Announcer: Plus, there’s Martha Stewart!

[ cut to Martha Stewart standing in a kitchen with her arms folded, as a director leans forward ]

Director: Excuse me, why aren’t you doing the dishes?

Martha Stewart: Because I’m Martha f–kin’ Stewart!

Announcer: “Undercover Celebrity Boss”. On the Celebrity Boss Station: CBS.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09o: Jennifer Lopez

Besos y Lagrimas

Josefina….Jennifer Lopez
Senor Gomez….Fred Armisen
Magdelena Gomez….Kristen Wiig
Carlos….Jason Sudeikis
Abogado[Lawyer]….Bill Hader
Sonia….Abby Elliott

[UNIVISION logo]

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas

[Opens with a shot of a mansion, cut to a man sitting in a wheelchair wearing an eye patch and breathing into an oxygen mask, a nun walks in the room carrying flowers]

Josefina: Flores, senor?

Senor Gomez: Josefina! Si! [removes eye patch]

Josefina: No.

Senor Gomez: TE AMO!

[dramatic music, passionate kiss]

[cut to promo]

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas.

[Josefina wears a night dress, she poses, Virgin Mary’s head floats by.]

[Cut to Josefina dressed like a nun kissing Senor Gomez, enters Mrs. Gomez carrying a head made out of stone]

Magdelena: Josefina!

Josefina: Senora Gomez!

Senor Gomez: Magdelena!

Magdelena: Carlos! Ay, No!

Josefina: Magdelena! Ay, Si!

Senor Gomez: Josefina! No! Si! Ayyyyy!!!

[Magdelena throws the head statue against the wall smashing it to pieces]

Josefina: No! No! Senora! Lo siento-o-o-o-o!!!!

[anguished looks]

[cut to promo]

[Josefina walks in and Senor Gomez rolls in the wheelchair, gets up from it]

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas

[cut to Senor Gomez sitting in his wheelchair and eating his salad, Magdelena stands next to him.]

Magdelena: Mira! [points out the window]

Senor Gomez: Que? [looks out the window]

Magdelena: [throws a little poison in his salad] Mira! [points out the window]

Senor Gomez: Que? [looks out the window, Magdelena throws a visible quantity of poison on the salad]

Magdelena: Mira! [points out the window]

Senor Gomez: Que? [looks out the window, Magdelena throws a gigantic quantity of poison on his salad]

Magdelena: Come su ensalada?

Senor Gomez: Ok.

[ Senor Gomez eats and Josefina bangs on the window pane mouthing silently “No!”, anguished look on her face. Senor Gomez dies.]

Magdelena: [diabolical laugh] Hahahahaha!!!

[cut to promo]

[Josefina and Magdelena pose in their night gowns]

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas

[cut to a room full of people, a lawyer reads a will in the Gomez household]

Lawyer: Senor Gomez, testamento y will. Carlos, cero!

Carlos: Cero?

Lawyer: Cero, si.

Carlos: Ayyyy!!! [anguished look]

Lawyer: Sonia, cero!

Sonia: Que?!

Lawyer: Cero!

Sonia: Ayyyy, no-o-o-o!!!! [anguished look]

Lawyer: Magdelena, will y testamento de senor Gomez!

Magdelena: Si?

Lawyer: Cero!

Magdelena: Ayyyy!!! [anguished look]

Lawyer: Esmeralda, cero!

[a shot of the dog Esmeralda]

Lawyer: Josefina! Todo el dinero!

Carlos: No! Todo? Ay, no!

Josefina: Lo siento-o-o-o-o!!!!

[Senor Gomez enters the room]

Senor Gomez: Josefina!

Josefina: Senor Gomez! Esta vivo!

[Josefina and Mr.Gomez kiss with red hot passion]

[cut to promo]

[Josefina, Magdelena Gomez and Senor Gomez pose,dog Esmeralda’s head floats by]

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 15


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

February 27th, 2010

Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez

None

None

None


We Are the World IIISummary: Quincy Jones (Kenan Thompson) makes the mistake of organizing “We Are the World 3” to explain the first half-assed remake of “We Are the World” that followed the Haiti earthquake.

Recurring Characters: Willie Nelson, David Crosby, Eddie Vedder.

Transcript

Montage

Jennifer Lopez’s MonologueSummary: Jennifer Lopez announces that she’s changed her image, which is bad news for an ex-member of her entourage (Kenan Thompson) and a pair of drag queen fans (Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader).

Transcript

Gyne-Lotrimin Ladies’ World Cup of Curling 1987Summary: Commentators Pete Twinkle (Jason Sudeikis) and Greg Stink (Will Forte) keep the Gyne-Lotrimin sponsorship flowing amid confusion regarding curling match between Helga Birkenstock (Kristen Wiig) and Maria Shakira Prinze, Jr. (Jennifer Lopez).

Recurring Characters: Pete Twinkle, Greg Stink.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A visual display of the various “Flags of the World”.

Transcript

Hollywood DishSummary: Entertainment hosts Brady Trunk (Bill Hader) and Anastasia Sticks (Kristen Wiig) feign interest while interviewing Jennifer Lopez.

Recurring Characters: Brady Trunk, Anastasia Sticks.

Transcript

Telemundo Olympics CoverageSummary: Telemundo news anchors (Jennifer Lopez, Fred Armisen) are forced to cover the Winter Olympics, even though they can’t comprehend the merit in cold weather sports performances.

Transcript

Undercover Celebrity BossSummary:

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Transcript

Jennifer Lopez performs “Pieces”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Bobby Moynihan, Gov. David Paterson (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Gov. David Paterson.

Besos Y LagrimasSummary: A strange love triangle between Senor Gomez (Fred Armisen), Josefina (Jennifer Lopez), and Madelena (Kristen Wiig).

Transcript

Eternal Spark of LoveSummary: Narrator (Kenan Thompson) monitors a budding romance between office workers Sean (Jason Sudeikis) and Michelle (Jennifer Lopez).

Recurring Characters: Narrator.

Transcript

Jennifer Lopez performs “Starting Over”

Smash MouthSummary: Cecilia (Nasim Pedrad) can’t sleep because the band Smash Mouth keeps performing in her room.

Transcript

Car Horns and MoreSummary: Tina Tina Chaneuse (Jenny Slate) and cousin Kiki Dee Cheneuse (Jennifer Lopez) display a variety of talking car horns.

Recurring Characters: Tina Tina Cheneuse.

Transcript

Closet OrganizerSummary: Throw all of your loose closet items at the Closet Organizer guy (Will Forte) and he’ll keep your closet straight for you.

Note: Repeat from 09m.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

RileySummary: Riley (Fred Armisen) calls more people a bitch.

Step ClassSummary: Step class instructor (Jennifer Lopez) turns into a werewolf when the full moon hits.

AnacondaSummary: While on a date, Jennifer Lopez runs into a former “Anaconda” co-star (Andy Samberg), who’s now a waiter and has a script he wants her to look at.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

Gertrude’s Will

Attorney…..Bill Hader
Son…..Bobby Moynihan
Granddaughter…..Jennny Slate
Grandson…..Jason Sudeikis
Angel…..Ashton Kutcher

[ open on interior, attorney’s office ]

Attorney: Thank you all for coming. I’m the attorney to the estate of Mrs. Gertrude Hayes Wentworth. It is my duty to present the last will and testimony. I’m happy that all interested parties could be here: the son… the beloved grandchildren… and her pool boy, Angel, who became a constant companion and lover for the past ten years of her life.

[ Kutcher licks his lips a few times, as though about to say something, but apparently misses his cue ]

Attorney: [ finally ] Alright, let’s start. [ reading ] “To my wonderful family, I leave $200 million. And to the Metropolitan Museum, whose hallways I once spent an enjoyable afternoon, I leave $600 million.”

Angel: [ excited ] Alright, next! Come on, let’s get to it, dawg!

Attorney: “And to my stallion, Angel, who kept me in a state of constant physical bliss and arousal for over a decade, from the ages of 100 to 110, when I was at my oldest, I grant full pool privileges, except during the summer and on weekends.” The end.

Angel: [ in a mild state of shock ] Oh… oh… oh, my God. Th-that’s it?

Grandson: Angel, we owe you an apology. Uh, the whole time — this whole time, we thought you were only sleeping with our elderly grandmother… well, for her money.

Angel: Oh, my God!

Grandson: But now we realize that you had no financial arrangement worked out at all.

Angel: Oh, my God! Ten years?! Ten years of my life?!!

Granddaughter: You really did love her and her mushy… crooked body.

Angel: Oh, my God… her body! I had sex with that body for ten years! I don’t — How can this be happening?!

Grandson: Angel, we’re — we’re all shocked by the death of this 110-year old woman. But you can console yourself knowing that she died doing what she loved best: receiving oral sex from you.

Angel: This is a nightmare!!

Attorney: No, it’s very sad. The world has lost a really great woman to chlamydia. But we must keep her in our hearts.

Angel: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait! Go back! Wh-what did you say?

Attorney: We must keep her in our hearts —

Angel: No, no, no, no! The other thing!

Attorney: Oh, you mean that she had Stage 5 Chlamydia? Highest of the chlamydias. Don’t worry, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about. You MUST have used protection?

Angel: NOOOO, we didn’t use protection!! She was 110!! What was she gonna do, give birth to a GHOST?!! Aw, no, no, no, no, no!! I let that goblin have her way with me for ten years!! And all I get to do is swim in her pool with chlamydia?!

Attorney: No, no, Angel. First off, you can’t swim in the pool — it’s Saturday. And, second of all, she gave you much more than chlamydia.

Angel: [ bitter ] What, what, what — she gave me love and companionship?!

Attorney: No, she gave you lots of other STDs. Including ones that are so old, they have racist names. Like Oriental Fever… and another one I don’t want to say because it has the N-word.

Angel: [ desperately ] What?!

Attorney: I just don’t feel comfortable saying that name out loud. I mean, you saw what happened to Michael Richards?

Son: Angel, my boy, I know that you’re upset that she’s gone… but you should take solace in the fact that you made an old, lonely woman very happy.

Angel: Look… you know… maybe you’re right. You know, maybe this wasn’t the life that I envisioned for myself, but if… if I’ve improved a woman’s golden years, I guess I’m as rich as anyone, right?

Attorney: Wait a minute. There’s another page to her will.

Angel: [ hopeful ] What does it say? What does it say?

Attorney: It takes away your pool privileges. Then, on the back, there’s more STDs she gad. Let’s see: Soviet hives…. crabs rangoon… something called Jazz Flu.

Angel: Oh, man… that one sounds bad…

Attorney: It is. Also: Foreignor’s Cough…

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

Crisis of Conformity

Fred…..Fred Armisen
Madeline…..Abby Elliott
Groom…..Will Forte
Lyle…..Dave Grohl
Steve…..Ashton Kutcher
Greg…..Bill Hader
Waiters…..Kenan Thompson, Bobby Moynihan
In-laws…..Nasim Pedrad, Jason Sudeikis

[ open on sign: “Cadena-Norton Wedding” ]

[ dissolve to reception area ]

Fred: Thank you, everybody. [ faces his daughter ] Honey, uh, I know it’s your worst nightmare, and — I’m up here, your dad — and I just want to get the old band together, if that’s okay with you. Do you mind, sweetie?

Madeline: No.

Fred: Alright, honey — don’t be embarrassed. Can I get the rest of the guys up here? Uh, Greg, Steve, Lyle — come on.

[ they run up ]

Lyle: Hey, go easy on us, guys — this is our first gig since, like, 1983.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. Well, hey, I’d like to say something.

Fred: Hey, who’s this old guy?

Steve: [ laughing ] You know, I can’t believe we’re up here after 25 years.We were very different guys back then.

Greg: You can say that again. But this feels right, sharing our music with this wonderful young couple.

[ minor applause ]

Steve: Yes, yes, yes. I guess when you get right down to it… rock n’ roll always endures.

Lyle: Unlike my prostate!

[ they laugh ]

Steve: I hear that. I got issues, too.

Fred: [ laughing ] Alright.

Greg: [ lifting his guitar ] Did this thing get heavier? [ he laughs ]

Fred: Alright, let’s do this. Madeline — my little maddy — I’m so proud of you.And I hope Daddy doesn’t make too much of a fool of himself up here. Alright, this is with all my love. [ to the guys ] You guys ready? Here we go.

Lyle: One, two, three, four.

Fred: Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!!!

[ Steve kicks drinks off of a table ]

Fred: [ singing ]
“When Ronald Reagan comes aroundHe brings the fascists to your townYou think it’s cool to be a jockBut we all get beat up by cops

[ Fred pushes a table over ]

It’s aFist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lotFist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lot

[ Greg kicks a tray of glasses out of a waiter’s hand ]

Fred: [ speaking ]”I guess my mind’s all messed upBut isn’t that a result of going to your schools being a part of your system following your orders?”

[ Steve kicks the other waiter’s tray from his hands ]

Steve: I guess you want me to put on my suit and my tie and eat my happy meal

[ Grohl’s microphone doesn’t come on at first, so Kutcher hands him his ]

Lyle: [ screaming ]”I guess you want me to have 2.5 children and a white picket fence?I have a better idea!How about I kick your windows in with my boots?!”

[ Fred smashes a bottle over his head ]

Fred: [ screaming ]”You hear that, Alexander Haig?You getting all that, Ed Meese?

There’s gonna be a —

1, 2, 3, 4!

[ Fred jumps into the wedding cake ]

Fist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lotFist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lot

[ Fred fully trashes the rest of the room ]

Fred: We’re crisis of conformity, thank you.

[ he throws the microphone to the floor ]

In-Law: Yeah, you are! Hell, yeah!!

Fred: Well, uh —

[ dissolve to end bumper ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

Tooter

…..Ashton Kutcher
…..?uestlove
…..Dave Grohl
…..Josh Homme
…..John Paul Jones
Gary Pundle…..Fred Armisen
Stefan Horkings…..Andy Samberg
Tooter Subscriber…..Jenny Slate
Office Worker…..Bobby Moynihan

FADE IN:

[ SUPER: The following is a paid advertisement from Ashton Kutcher ]

[ A montage of QUICK SHOTS shows Ashton Kutcher posing. ]

[ SUPER: ENTREPREUNER. ACTOR. VISIONARY. ]

[ Ashton is seated. ]

[ SUPER: ASHTON KUTCHER, TWITTER ENTHUSIAST ]

Ashton Kutcher: Over the past year, I’ve been given a lot of attention because of my involvement with Twitter. But recently, I started to feel like Twitter wasn’t enough…

[ QUICK CUTS OF Ashton saying “wasn’t enough”. ]

Ashton Kutcher: I wanted to give my followers total access.

[ SUPER: TOTAL ACCESS ]

Ashton Kutcher: They knew what was coming out of my mind, not what was coming out of my body. And that’s why I developed the first flatulence networking system.

[ SUPER: FLATULENCE NETWORKING SYSTEM ]

[ Ashton faces the camera. ]

Ashton Kutcher: Tooter.

[ GRAPHIC: TOOTER ]

[ A well suited, British computer guru, GARY PUNDLE, is seated. ]

[ SUPER: GARY PUNDLE, TOOTER BRAND MANAGER ]

Gary: It’s really ingenious. Every time Ashton has a gastronomic emission, or a “gission”, it’s broadcast to millions of his followers from around the world. And they’re alerted with a distinctive ringtone.

[ INT. OFFICE – DAY ]

[ A rotund OFFICE WORKER types at his desk when his passing gas ringtone alerts him. He picks up the phone and views the screen. It displays ASHTON KUTCHER TOOTED! ]

[ COMPUTER ANIMATION shows a male body being outfitted on his backside. ]

Ashton Kutcher (V/O): The process is simple — I attach a receiving pad to the flesh side of my under bones, then I run a non-toxic wire up my seam, then plug it into my mobile device.

[ BACK to ASHTON ]

Ashton Kutcher: Then I pretty much kick back and bust some ass.

[ Lead singer of The Roots and bandleader of “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” ?UESTLOVE is seated. ]

[ SUPER: ?UESTLOVE, MUSICIAN & TWITTER USER ]

?uestlove: At first, when Ashton told me about this idea, I was against it. But now? I’m still against it.

Ashton Kutcher: It was a good system, but it still wasn’t capturing the essence of Ashton and a big part of that is smell.

[ QUICK CUTS of Ashton saying “smell” three times. ]

[ A young inventor in white lab coat, STEFAN HORKINGS, is seated. ]

[ SUPER: STEFAN HORKINGS, DIGITAL ODOR INVENTOR ]

Stefan: Adding the smell at first was a challenge, but Ashton insisted…

[ The rotund office worker from earlier gets a smell ringtone from his phone. His puff of air blows his hair and he’s aghast. ]

Stefan: The testing phase just sucked!

Gary: Tooter uses Micro Crystal Technology to translate the entire gamut of flatulent subtlety. Whether it’s…

Gary (V/O): [SCROLL] SDB’S, CHURCHHOUSE CREEPERS, CRUNCH FROGS, DRIFTERS, JIMMY BUFFET’S CROOKED CAULIFLOWER COCKTAILS, LOW FLYING JETS, CRACK RATTLERS, SIMPLE PUTT-PUTTS, THE BOSSANOVA, PUMPERNICKEL SLAMMIES, ADVANCED PUTT-PUTTS, THUNDER DUMPLINGS, OR RIP TORNS.

Gary: We wanted everyone to experience Ashton’s “gissions” in all their glorious shame.

[ EXT. ROCKEFELLER PLAZA – DAY ]

[ A TOOTER SUBSCRIBER, young women in her 30’s, stands alone. ]

[ SUPER: TOOTER SUBSCRIBER ]

Tooter Subscriber: I didn’t realize what I was signing up for and I’ve actually tried to unsubscribe a few times but I haven’t been able to. I like “That 70’s Show” okay, but this, just seems invasive.

[ ?uestlove listens to his Tooter ringtone and grimaces. ]

?uestlove: Ashton’s been eating beans again.

[ Ashton stares off and passes gas. ]

[ INT. DRESSING ROOM – DAY ]

[ SUPER: THEM CROOKED VULTURES, “SNL” MUSICAL GUESTS ]

[ THEM CROOKED VULTURES are relaxing on a couch. Josh Homme hears Dave Grohl’s ringtone go off. ]

Josh Homme: Dude, what is that smell?

Dave Grohl: Ashton Kutcher just farted again.

Josh Homme: Very cool.

[ John Paul Jones stares sadly at the camera. ]

John Paul Jones: I was in Led Zeppelin.

[ BACK TO TESTIMONALS ]

[ Stefan’s phone rings. ]

Stefan: I’m sorry, I’m going to take this.

[ Stefan answers his phone. ]

Stefan: Hello?

[ The sound of passing gas. ]

Stefan: It’s a Kutcher Toot! Oh God!! I’m gagging at the mouth!

Ashton Kutcher: So subscribe today. Tooter — Because I’m that important.

[ SUPER: BECAUSE I’M THAT IMPORTANT ]

[ EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER – DAY ]

[ The Tooter subscriber’s hair blows from the Toot she just received on her cell phone. ]

Tooter Subscriber: Ashton’s at McDonald’s.

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

An Even-Tempered Apology From White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel

Announcer…..Don Pardo
Rahm Emanuel…..Andy Samberg

[Open on title card]

Announcer: And now, an even-tempered apology from White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel.

[Dissolve to interior of Rahm Emanuel’s office, where Emanuel is sitting on his desk, addressing the camera]

Rahm Emanuel
[turns to camera two]

As for the progressive Democrats whom I used the term in reference to, I should never have called you that. What I should have called you are f**king BABIES! Stupid f**king babies who can’t keep their mouths shut! You went to The Wall Street Journal with this, you f**king turncoats?! The Wall Street Journal?! I’m trying to get s**t done here, and I know we’re not moving as fast as you want on health care, but maybe you noticed the Republicans are trying to paint us as Soviet crack dealers! I’ve already got them crawling up my ass, and now you want in too? I’ve got so many legislators in my colon, I need 60 votes just to take a s**t, so f**k you!

[turns back to camera one, now calmer than before]

I’d also like to personally apologize to Sarah Palin, who went on Facebook to criticize my comments and ask for my resignation. While my resignation will not be forthcoming, I hope the former governor can accept my humblest apologizes for my poor choice of words.

[Turns back to camera two]

So, now I’m waiting for your apology, you f**kin’ harpy! Or do you forget saying my brother, Zeke, supports death panels, and his philosophy was “downright evil”? Well, he’s a f**kin’ doctor whose dedicated his life to helping people, not a quitter who couldn’t finish dinner! So why don’t you stick to collecting checks for your stupid Tea Party speeches, you half-a-f**in’ politician? Also, you come after me on Facebook?! What are you, 14? Here’s a status update: GROW THE F**K UP! Poke me again, and I will write s**t on your wall so obscene, your computer will cry! Go back to the tundra, you f**kin’ gimmick!

[turns to a third camera, pointing to the camera]

I’m sorry, did you f**kin’ say something?

[The camera shakes no]

Are you sure?

[The camera nods yes]

[threatening]: You better be sure.

[Turns back to camera one, calmer]

In conclusion: Boo-f**kin’-hoo. Get over it.

[Dissolve to title card amid audience cheering and applauding]

Announcer: This has been an even-tempered apology from White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel.

[Cut back to Emanuel’s office]

Rahm Emanuel: And also, Mel Gibson: Shut the f**k up!

[fade]

Submitted by: Candy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

Goodnights

…..Ashton Kutcher

Ashton Kutcher: Thank you… to the Crooked Vultures! You guys are amazing, you’re absolutely incredible. [ to John Paul Jones ] Here, I’m on stage with a living legend! [ Jones raises his arms triumphantly ] I want to thank Lorne Michaels, I want to thank the writers, I want to thank the crew, I want to thank the cast! I want to say “Happy Birthday” to ME! There’s no better way for me to spend my birthday than right here! But, most of all, I want to thank YOU!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

Cialis For Three Ways

Husband….Ashton Kutcher
Wife….Kristen Wiig
Katie….Jenny Slate
Doctor….Nasim Pedrad

[Opens with a misty landscape overlooking the ocean, a husband and wife inside their bathtubs look on]

Announcer: For yearsm Cialis has been America’s most trusted E.D. solution. In the past we’ve offered you a variety of options. Thirty six hour Cialis. Then Cialis for daily use. And now there’s brand new Cialis for three-ways.

[another bathtub with a girl in it appears next to the married couple]

Where you can be ready when that very rare moment is right. Like, when your wife’s old yoga teacher is in town.

[Wife opens the door, Katie enters, they hug, husband looks at them.]

Say, isn’t she the one your wife told you that story about? Or was it another Katie?

[Excited Katie pulls out a champagne bottle]

Nope, same Katie.

Whether its a special anniversary present or just a partner with low self-esteem —

[Wife drinks and flirts with Katie, husband laughs]

when it falls into your lap, you want your lap to be ready.

[Husband, wife and Katie hold hands]

That’s why Cialis for three-ways has 50% more of the effective ingredient.

[Husband, wife and Katie’s feet are jumbled and bumping in bed]

As well as a powerful anti-depressant to help you cope with the inevitable shame and regret.

[Katie leaves the bed wrapped in a bed sheet ashamed, husband waves bye to her, goes back to sleep with the wife]

There’s also a little Xanax in there to help you make it through the next day’s fallout.

[Husband is tripping balls and the wife is fighting and yelling to him]

So stop asking yourself: “Am I really that kind of person?” And start asking your doctor [Husband is talking with a female doctor] about Cialis for three-ways. Besides, you never know, your doctor might be into it.

[Female doctor takes her glasses off and grabs husband’s hand seductively]

Men who are taking MAOI inhibitors or have to work the next day should not use Cialis for three-ways.

[Husband covers his wife’s eyes, female doctor covers husband’s eyes]

Do not use Cialis for three-ways if the other chick’s dude wants to be there, too. You just, I don’t know, you don’t want any part of that.

[Three toothbrushes in the bathroom]

Cialis for three-ways.

[Husband and wife ride a three-seat bicycle]

Your lucky day, just got luckier.

[The trio look at misty landscape of the ocean from their bathtubs.]

[Cialis for Three-Ways logo]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

What is Burn Notice?

Shelly Brick…..Jason Sudeikis
Lucy Madison…..Kristen Wiig
Carl Hubbly…..Will Forte
Ted Mitchell…..Ashton Kutcher
Judges…..Bill Hader, Bobby Moynihan, Jenny Slate

[ open on game show set ]

Announcer: It’s time, once again, for the game show that has America asking the question:

Audience: [ as words appear on screen ] “WHAT!! IS!! BURN!! NOTICE!!”

[ game show host runs onstage ]

Shelly Brick: Hello, everyone! I’m your host, Shelly Brick, and welcome to “What is… Burn Notice”. Let’s meet our contestants. She’s an accountant from Phoenix: Lucy Madison; he’s a contractor from San Diego: Carl Hubbly; and he’s a chiropractor from Torrence: Ted Mitchell. Welcome, everybody. Well, the game is easy. All you have to do is tell me something — anything — that you know about the highly-rated USA Network television show “Burn Notice”. Here’s your first question: [ he reads dramatically from his card ] “What is “Burn Notice”?” [ Lucy chimes in ] Lucy?

Lucy Madison: Yeah, uh — “Burn Notice” is a show… about… uh, a handsome fireman?

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No. No, that is incorrect. Remember: it’s the eighth highest-rated show on cable. [ he shrugs ] But just what is “Burn Notice”? [ Carl chimes in ] Carl?

Carl Hubbly: It’s about a sexy doctor who can start fires with his mind.

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: Very good try. Very good try, but no. No. It’s entering its fourth season. [ he holds up four fingers and waits ] People love it. [ he looks at his card ] “What is “Burn Notice”?” [ Ted chimes in ] Ted?

Ted Mitchell: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I… know it’s on USA —

Shelly Brick: Mmm-hmm?

Ted Mitchell: And I know that characters are welcome there. Sooooo… it’s a show about… characters.

Shelly Brick: Can you be more specific?

Ted Mitchell: No.

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: Sorry. I will remind you that “Burn Notice” is a highly popular program that the New York Post calls: [ reading ] “A lot of fun.” [ he smiles ] But what is it? Alright, let’s see if this visual clue is any help — it’s a commercial for “Burn Notice”. Take a look.

[ various clips of Miami, bikinis, “Everybody Wants You” soundtrack, etc. ]

[ the contestants are stumped ]

Shelly Brick: Anything? Who can tell me literally anything about this immensely popular television show? [ Lucy chimes in ] Yes?

Lucy Madison: Is it… a reality show…? About… sunglasses?

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No.

[ Carl chimes in ]

Carl Hubbly: Is it kind of like “NCIS”?

Shelly Brick: [ hopeful ] Okay — in what way?

Carl Hubbly: [ shaking his head ] I don’t know.

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No. No… [ Ted chimes in ] Yes?

Ted Mitchell: I know! Uhhhh — this is what they play on TVs at Best Buy, to show how good the picture is!

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No. No. I mean — no. As I said before, it’s an actual show… with actual viewers… who follow it and realy care about it. [ Carl chimes in ] Yes?

Carl Hubbly: Is it about the detective team of Michael Burn and Chet Notice?

Shelly Brick: No — that’s not bad. Judges, is that right?

[ cut to the three judges, who shrug without interest ]

Shelly Brick: Yeah! Yeah, they got no idea! Okay, uh — alright! You know, I’m still looking for any tidbit… about “Burn Notice”. THe show the Detroit Free Press called: [ reading ] “Charmingly irreverent.” [ Ted chimes in ] Yes?

Ted Mitchell: Are they in Miami?

[ a dinger goes off ]

Shelly Brick: [ looking around, curiously ] Oh! Oh, my God. I’ve never heard that sound before. You know, I think that means you are CORRECT!! This is alright I — I do not know what happens next, but, uh, I think we’re going to a Speed Round, or something! Where, maybe, we’ll all find out once and for all:

Audience: [ as words appear on screen ] “WHAT!! IS!! BURN!! NOTICE!!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts