Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21

08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

The Barry Gibb Talk Show

Barry Gibb…..Jimmy Fallon
Robin Gibb…..Justin Timberlake
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig
Nouriel Roubini…..Fred Armisen
Roland S. Martin…..Kenan Thompson

[FADE IN: Barry and Robin Gibb dancing in white leisure suits, backs to the audience, in front of a talk show set as the opening notes of “Nights on Broadway” play.]

Announcer: It’s The Barry Gibb Talk Show!

[The logo appears briefly, and then the brothers turn around and sing, Barry strumming a white electric guitar.]

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Heeeeeere we are…”

Announcer: Tonight, Barry’s guests are:

Barry and Robin Gibb: “In a room full of straaaaaaangers…”

Announcer: Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Discussin’ politics…”

Announcer: CNN commentator Roland S. Martin!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “And the issues of the daaaaaaaa-ayyyyy…”

Announcer: NYU economics professor…

Barry and Robin Gibb: “And I want to taaaaaaaalk to you…”

Announcer: Nouriel Roubini!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Though you may not waaaaaaant me to…”

Announcer: And as always:

Barry and Robin Gibb: “I’m still gonna taaaaaaaalk to you…”

Announcer: Barry’s brother Robin!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “I don’t care what you saaaaaaaaaaaaay…”

[Barry slips off his guitar, and the brothers start disco dancing.]

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Sho-ow,
Talkin’ ’bout issues,
Talkin’ ’bout real important issues.
Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Sho-ow,
Checkin’ out politics,
In this crazy, crazy tow-ow-ow-own!
Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah…”

[The Gibbs boogie to their seats.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, your host: Barry Gibb!

[“Nights on Broadway” fades out as the audience cheers.]

Barry Gibb: [staccato voice] Goo’ e’ning, la’ies and gentlemen. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. It’s my show, and it’s a no-nonsense show. I will not take any crap from anybody. Let’s get down to business.This week, Fed chairman Benjamin Bernanke said that the (falsetto) U.S. ECONOMAH (normal voice) will pick up later this year. Robin, do you have any thoughts?

Robin Gibb: [disinterestedly] No, no I don’t.

Barry Gibb: Nancy Pelosi, do you agree with chairman Bernanke’s rosy assessment of our (falsetto) FINANCIAL FUT-AH?

Nancy Pelosi: I do, Barry, but it’s also important that we discover the causes of our current situation, and the first step is the formation of an impartial investigatory committee.

Barry Gibb: (as Robin bows his head in disappointment) A committee?! That’s your answer to the worst financial disaster since the Great Depression?! Are you out of your mother-loving, dope-smoking (falsetto) HIPPIE MI-I-IND?!

Nancy Pelosi: No, I-

Barry Gibb: (screaming) DON’T YOU DARE CONTRADICT ME ON MY SHOW! YOU HEAR ME BUG-EYES? (Barry leaps wildly out of his seat) I’M BARRY F-ING GIBB! (karate kicks the air to his right four times, then returns to his chair)

Barry and Robin Gibb: (singing and punctuating each word with a karate kick) HIII-YA! HIII-YA! (turn to each other) HI-YA!

Barry Gibb: Nouriel Roubini, you were one of the first people to predict this (falestto) CURRENT ECONOMIC CRISIS. (normal voice) I think that you’re a visionary genius.

Nouriel Roubini: Well, I don’t know about that.

Barry Gibb: Well, I do, and I think that you’re a genius.

Nouriel Roubini: Genius might be a little much.

Barry Gibb: Are you correcting me? On my own show?! You think I’m a child? Am I a baby with a pacifier in my mouth?

Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) GOO-GOO! GA-GA! GOO-GOO! WAA-WAA!

Barry Gibb: I have an opinion that’s IMPORTANT! I don’t know what passes for manners up in that faculty club with your framed degrees and (falsetto) LEATHER ELBOW PATCHES!

Nouriel Roubini: No, no, I didn’t mean to say

Barry Gibb: (screaming) I GOT A DEGREE FROM THE STREETS OF MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA! SO HELP ME GOD I HAVE A BUCKKNIFE IN MY SHOE I WILL SPLIT YOU OPEN LIKE A SOFT-SHELL CRAB AND WEAR YOUR CARCASS LIKE A RAINCOAT!

Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) WEAR YOUR CARCASS LIKE A RAINCOAT!

Barry Gibb: Robin, do you have anything to add?

Robin Gibb: No, no I don’t.

Barry Gibb: Robin, please, just say something.

Robin Gibb: No.

Barry Gibb: Anything.

Robin Gibb: No.

Barry Gibb: Pretend no one’s here, no one’s watching.

Robin Gibb: No.

Barry Gibb: Robin, talk to your brother.

Robin Gibb: No.

Barry Gibb: (gets on his knees in the chair to be closer to Robin) Talk to Barry. (starts singing)
Ple-e-e-ease talk to your brother
And say what you want to say.

(Timberlake bows his head in an attempt to hide his laughter as the audience cheers)

Barry Gibb: Let’s introduce the next guest’s name.

Robin Gibb: Fine.

Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) Ro-o-oland S. Martin…CNN political consultant.

Roland S. Martin: Well, thank you, Barry and Robin. I want to say this is my favorite political forum on television, that is, of course, next to the program I am currently hosting, CNN’s “No Bias, No Bull.”

Barry Gibb: (exasperated) Did-did you just plug your show?

Robin Gibb: Don’t.

Barry Gibb: On MY show?

Robin Gibb: Don’t.

Barry Gibb: Robin, did he just plug his show?! On my-WHAT DOES THIS LOOK LIKE, AN INFOMERCIAL? WHAT AM I, THE (falsetto) SHAMWOW GUY? (normal screaming voice) DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM, PALLY?! (rises from chair) I SANG A DUET WITH BARBRA STREISAND! DO YOU KNOW THAT I AM AUSTRALIAN! MY MIDDLE NAME IS CROMPTON! I AM BARRY GIBB! I WILL RIP OUT YOUR INNARDS AND DOUBLE DUTCH JUMP ROPE WITH THEM! (starts singing and clapping rhythmically) DOUBLE DUTCH JUMP ROPE WITH YOUR INNARDS…

(audience begins clapping along)

Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) DOUBLE DUTCH JUMP ROPE WITH YOUR INNARDS…

(The Gibbs continue singing that phrase as they get up from their seats and pretend to double dutch jump rope in front of the table on set, with Robin then Barry leaping through the imaginary jump ropes. Finally, after singing “Double Dutch…” five more times, the brothers close with…)

Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) DOUBLE DUTCH!
DOUBLE DUTCH!
DOUBLE DUTCH!
DOUBLE DUTCH!

(The brothers return to their seats to wild cheers and applause. Barry demonstrates a karate block while seated.)

Barry Gibb: That’s all the time we have. [sings] “We… have… been–”

Barry and Robin Gibb: [harmonizing to the tune of “Nights on Broadway,” slightly before the beat]
Talkin’ it up,

[Timberlake and Fallon realize their mistake and quickly get back in sync with the background music]

On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Shoo-ow,
Talkin’ ’bout chest hair

[audience member “woo!”s]

Talkin’ ’bout crazy cool medallions!
Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Shoo-ow,
Checkin’ out politics,
In this crazy, crazy tow-ow-own!
Oh, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…

[the brothers continue mugging for the camera to thunderous cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Mario Juan

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21

08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

A Special Address from the Secretary of the Treasury

Timothy Geithner…..Will Forte

[ open on Department of Treasury Seal ]

Announcer: The following is a special address from the Secretary of the Treasury.

[ dissolve to Timothy Geithner, seated behind desk ]

Timothy Geithner: Good evening. I’m Timothy Geithner, the Secretary of the Treasury. Earlier this week, I reported to you the results of the so-called “stress tests” my department ran on the nation’s nineteen largest banks. This was an effort to determine each bank’s fiscal soundness, following last September’s $700 billion federal bailout. Tonight, I would like to reveal to you, the American people, the results of Part 2 of the Stress Test, the written exam, taken by all nineteen bank CEOS last Saturday.

[ reveal Stress Test cover page graphic ]

Initially, my department had planned to give each bank a numerical grade of 1 to 100 — 100 being a perfect score. But then we decided that might unfairly stigmatize banks who scored low on the test because they followed reckless lending practices or were otherwise not good at banking. So we changed to a simple “PASS/FAIL” system. However, on reflection, a few of us felt that THAT system was too rigid, so we changed it once again to “PASS/PASS*”. This seemed less judgmental and more inclusive. Eventually, at the banks’ suggestion, we dropped the asterisk and went with a “PASS/PASS” system. Tonight, I am proud to say that, after the written tests were examined, every one of the nineteen banks scored a “PASS”! Congratulations, banks!

But that’s no reason to just rest on our laurels. There’s always room for improvement. NONE of the bank answered all fifty questions correctly, and most got less than half right. One bank in particular — CitiGroup — seemed to think the whole thing was just a big joke.

[ reveal test sheet with repeated answers of “Geithner Sucks!” written on it ]

Shame on you, CitiGroup! And this is a serious matter. I was DEEPLY disappointed with CitiGroup’s attitude towards this entire project. And, frankly, if CitiGroup weren’t too big to fail, I would have failed them. That’s how DISGUSTED I was. But apart from CitiGroup — who are a bunch of smart ass punks — the other banks at least took the test seriously. And since we can all learn from our mistakes, I thought we’d take a moment to look at the most commonly missed questions:

[ reveal test sheets throughout ]

#11: “For every ten million in commercial loans outstanding, a bank should have…”

The answer were were looking for was “10% Cash On Hand.” J.P. Morgan Chase wrote: “Knicks Tickets.” Wells Fargo wrote: “Gulfstream Jet.” And CitiGroup, of course, wrote: “Geithner Sucks!” Grow up, CitiBank.

Question 23 also stumped several banks: “If Federal Bank Examiners determine your bank to be under-capitalized, the Bank’s Board of Directors should…”

Goldman Saks wrote: “Flee the Country.” State Street of Boston said: “Shred Documents.” And Capitol One said: “Eliminate Eyewitnesses.” Actually, none of these is correct. The correct answer is: “Issue Common Stock.”

Now, Question 30, which most banks got wrong, really has no one correct answer since it would vary with each bank. We asked: “In the event of a nationwide run on the banks, how much in total cash assets does your bank have on hand to pay depositors?…”

Bank of America wrote: “Not enough, that’s for sure!!!” CitiGroup said: “Geithner Sucks!” And GMAC answered: “TaxPayer Bailout.” As you’ll notice, that last answer doesn’t make sense, and that’s because GMAC apparently answered “TaxPayer Bailout” to every one of the fifty questions. Although, that did turn out to be the right answer to thirty of them.

Question 41 tripped up a few banks: “Given their historic underrepresentation in banking, women should be encouraged to enter the field, as long as they are…”

Obviously, we were looking for “Qualified.” Morgan Stanley wrote: “Doable.” Bank of New York Mellon said: “Immediate Family Members.” And CitiGroup wrote: “Hey Geithner, WE’VE got a job for your MOTHER!!” Now, I don’t know if they’re serious about that job or not, but I think my mother would be really pumped.

Finally, what was the most difficult question? Apparently, this one from the Multiple Choice section:

“Banking executives should be given special financial bonuses for…”
A) Good performance
B) Mediocre performance
C) Poor performance”

The correct answer is A. “Good Performance.” Surprisingly, A:: nineteen banks got this wrong. [ he shrugs ] Who knew?

Well, thank you for your kind attention. Together, we’ll get through this. And “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:















Bit Players:

May 9th, 2009

Justin Timberlake

Ciara

None

Lorne Michaels

Patricia Clarkson

Susan Sarandon

Jessica Biel

Chris Pine

Zachary Quinto

Leonard Nimoy

Jimmy Fallon

None

A Special Address from the Secretary of the TreasurySummary: Timothy Geithner (Will Forte) outlines the results of a 50-question bank stress test.

Recurring Characters: Timothy Geithner.

Transcript

Montage

Justin Timberlake’s MonologueSummary: Justin Timberlake performs a song-and-dance routine amongst cast members and show personnel backstage.

First Hosted: 03b.

Transcript

Mom Celebrity TranslatorSummary: A handheld electronic device that allows young’uns to decipher what well-known celebrity their unhip mothers are trying to describe to them.

Transcript

Target GreatlandSummary: The Target Lady (Kristen Wiig) annoys customers while chatting with her equally-annoying friend Peg (Justin Timberlake).

Recurring Characters: Target Lady.

Transcript

ImmigrantsSummary: A group of Irish immigrants entering America dream of the opportunities their great-great grandchildren will have, except for Cornelius Timberlake (Justin Timberlake) who fancies that his great-great grandson will one day be a popular, self-satisfying, arrogant little prick.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortRecurring Characters: “Dick in a Box” bad boys (Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake) give up their boxes so they can become “Mother (Patricia Clarkson, Susan Sarandon) Lovers”.

Transcript

PlasticvilleSummary: A guy dressed as a barbell (Will Forte) faces competition from Plasticville’s boob mascot (Justin Timberlake).

Recurring Characters: Mascot.

Transcript

Ciara with Justin Timberlake performs “Love Sex Magic”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Elliot Spitzer (Bill Hader) and David Paterson (Fred Armisen). Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto promote the new “Star Trek” movie, with a nod from Leonard Nimoy.

Recurring Characters: Elliot Spitzer, David Paterson.

Transcript

The Barry Gibb Talk ShowSummary: Robin Gibb (Justin Timberlake) remains mum while Barry Gibb (Jimmy Fallon) issues insane threats to his political guests, just like last time.

Recurring Characters: Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb, Nancy Pelosi.

Transcript

PiratesSummary:

Ciara performs “Never Ever”

Goodnights

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 20

08t: Zac Efron / Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Since You Went Away

Emily…..Casey Wilson
Francis…..Zac Efron
Conductor…..Will Forte
Mother…..Bobby Moynihan
Soldier…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on interior, train station ]

[ SUPER: “Connecticut, 1917” ]

[ dissolve to train exterior, Emily holding her soldier boyfriend’s hand through the window before he departs ]

Emily: I can’t believe we met just two weeks ago, and now you’re going off to the front!

Francis: Don’t worry — I’ll be back before you can say “Coca-Cola.”

Emily: Okay! But promise me you’ll watch out for the Germans.

Francis: Oh, don’t worry about me; worry about the kaiser – he’s not going to know what hit him, babe.

Conductor: All abooooooaaaarrdd!!

[ train horn toots ]

Emily: Oh!

Francis: Okay, Emily — goodbye!

[ the train begins to pull away, with Emily still clutching Francis’ hand and walking briskly beside the moving train ]

Emily: I don’t want you to leave!

Francis: Oh, don’t cry, my love! I love you!

Emily: I love you, too, Francis!

Francis: Goodbye, my darling!

Emily: Goodbye!

[ she lets go of his hand and falls back out of frame ]

Francis: Goodbye!

Emily: Goodbye!

[ Francis stares inward as the train picks up speed ]

[ suddenly, Emily appears running beside the train, holding out a handkerchief ]

Emily: Wait!

Francis: Emily?

Emily: I just wanted to give you my handkerchief, so you’ll never forget me!

Francis: Oh, thank you, darling! [ he takes the handkerchief ]

Emily: You’re welcome!

Francis: Goodbye!

Emily: Goodbye!

[ Emily again falls back out of frame as the train speeds up ]

[ Francis clutches Emily’s handkerchief and holds her scent to his nose ]

[ suddenly, Emily appears running faster beside the train ]

Emily: Francis! Do you miss me yet?

Francis: [ startled ] Y-yeah! Wait… how are you running so fast?

Emily: What do you mean?

Francis: I’m on a speeding train.

Emily: Well… I’m alway chasing the sheep around the barn. Maybe that’s how!

Francis: Oh. Okay. But we said goodbye, so… maybe you should go back to the farm.

Emily: I’d run all the way to Germany for you! [ she catches her breath several times ]

Francis: Aren’t you getting tired?

Emily: No! [ she smiles ] Not as long as I’m looking at you!

Francis: Well… I think you need to go home!

Emily: But I don’t want to say goodbye!

[ Emily’s Mother runs up behind her ]

Mother: Emily! Emily! You forgot your bonnet! [ she hands it over ]

Emily: Oh, thanks!

Mother: I’m gonna run into town — I’ll see you later!

[ Emily’s Mother kisses her on the cheek, then runs up ahead of her. As she does so, the front of her apron flies up into her face. ]

[ Emily puts her bonnet in her pocket, as she continues to run after the train ]

Francis: Was that your mother?

Emily: Yes! [ smiles mischieviously ] I guess you got a preview of me in twenty-five years!

Francis: Okay, you NEED to go home now!

Emily: You ARE my home! Whoo! [ she hops into the air ] Big old log!

Francis: Emily! You’re freaking me out a little bit!

Emily: I know! I have so much energy, and I only had a small breakfast! [ she huffs and puffs ]

Francis: What did you eat?

Emily: [ proudly ] Eighteen eggs an a gallon of buttermilk! [ she huffs and puffs ] But all this running is making me hungry!

[ the Soldier in the next window peeks at Emily from the next window ]

Soldier: [ to Francis ] Hey! Who’s that little ady running next to the train?

Emily: I’m the love of his life!

Francis: No, you’re not! We’re breaking up!

Emily: Why?

Francis: Because… I’m going to war, and… you’re really weird.

Emily: Fine! But you’re making a big mistake, Francis! I may not be your typical girly-girl… but, one day, you’re gonna wake up and —

[ Emily falls out of frame with a splash ]

Francis: Oh, my God! She fell in that creek!

Soldier: Uh — no! No, no — hang on!

[ Emily runs back into frame, clutching a fish ]

Emily: I’m back! And I caught a fish!

Francis: Uh — don’t eat it!

Emily: I want to! For energy! [ Francis is stunned ] Did you miss me?

Francis: [ stunning himself now ] You know… strangely… I did.

Emily: [ excited ] Does that mean we’re engaged!

Francis: Uhhh…

Emily: YAYYY!!! I’m gonna go tell Momma!

[ Emily clamps the fish between her teeth, then runs out of frame; Francis remains stunned, unsure of what has he gotten himself into ]

Soldier: [ smiling as he smokes his cigarette ] You’re never gonna get away from that one!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 20

08t: Zac Efron / Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Obama Homecoming

Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen

[ open on exterior, White House, night ]

Joe Biden V/O: Yeah… alright…

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Vice-President Joe Biden seated at the President’s desk ]

Joe Biden: [ into phone intercom ] Give me Jack Baurer! [ he laughs at his own antics ] Give me Jack Baurer! That would be something, huh? Ha ha ha!

[ suddenly, President Barack Obama enters the Oval Office ]

Joe Biden: [ jumps ] HEY!!! Hey, there he is! Oh, you caught me at your desk again! I’m sorry about that! [ he stands ]

President Barack Obama: Hello, Joe. How are you?

Joe Biden: I’m good! I’m good! There you go! [ he steps around the desk ] Gotta be honest with you, you know? I kinda got used to sitting at the Big Boy chair while you were in Europe! [ he chuckles ] Well, hey! Welcome back, Mr. President! [ he holds out his arms, as Obama relunctantly goes in for the hug ] Bring ‘er in! There you go! Alright! Yeeeeeaaaahhh!! So, what’d you bring me?

President Barack Obama: Uh — well, uh, we didn’t have much time for, uh, shopping, Joe.

Joe Biden: WHAAT?!! Ohhhh, no! Not even a… duty-free Toblerone [ he laughs ] No, I’m kidding, sir — believe me! I know how international diplomacy works. I remember April ’93, Sarajevo — I look Slobodan Miloševic right in the eye, and I said: “Sir! I think you’re a damn war criminal!” [ he chuckles ] Yeah! Yeah, there was no time for shopping then, either!

President Barack Obama: You can relax, Joe — you got the job!

Joe Biden: No, no, no, I know, I know, okay…

President Barack Obama: And, uh — there’s some things I need to get done.

Joe Biden: Okay, well, you know, I’ll get out of your hair, but, uh, I just want to say: It’s GREAT to have you back! But, just so you know, while you were gone, uh, I had things udner control!

President Barack Obama: I knew the country was in good hands, Joe.

Joe Biden: Yep! Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep! [ he sits on the edge of the desk ] Kept it on LOCK DOWN! [ he chuckles ]

President Barack Obama: Yeah. I never doubted you for a moment, Joe. [ he sits ]

Joe Biden: Yeah, you know — you know what happened is, uh — I moved myself into the office here, I just kind of made myself at home. I don’t want to toot my own horn, sir, but, uh… the market stayed pretty steady on my watch. You know? [ raises his hand high ] Smooooth sai– [ lowers his hand midway ] Well, I guess it’s more like smooooth sailing!

President Barack Obama: Okay. Well, uh — you know, I, uh —

Joe Biden: Yeah. Hey! You know, I, uh — I heard about your little secret trip to Baghdad! [ he chuckles, as Obama gives him a hard look ] Yeah! Yeah, yeah! I heard about that after the fact — on the news, like everyone else. But, uh — you know, rest assured, if I HAD known beforehand, you know? Right here. [ he zips his lip ] Yep! Old Joe knows how to keep his mouth SHUT! You can count on it!

President Barack Obama: Okay.

Joe Biden: Okay! Alright! Okay, so, uhhh… we’ll talk later this week. Check in?

President Barack Obama: [ generously ] You know, you’re a valuable part of this administration.

Joe Biden: [ solemn ] Right back atcha! Right back atcha. Alright. [ he turns and exits ]

President Barack Obama: [ into intercom ] Uhhh… Katie? I need Secretary Gates.

Joe Biden: [ returns ] Hey! Hey, I don’t know if you’ve heard about this, but… I’ve been dustin’ it up with Dirty Dick Cheney! [ he laughs ] Yeah!

President Barack Obama: I, uhhh — I heard about that.

Joe Biden: Yeah, yeah, yeah! He was talkin’ all kinds of mess about your national security policy! And I said, “Dick! I think you’re DEAD WRONG!!” I’ve always got your back, sir!

President Barack Obama: I-I-I thank you for it.

Joe Biden: Yeah. Oh, boy! Boy, what I wouldn’t do to go mano-a-mano with that S.O.B., rinnin’ you down like that! Oh, come on! Of course, he’d probably shoot me in the face, right? [ he chuckles heartily ]

President Barack Obama: Right… right…

Joe Biden: Oh, you remember when Dick Cheney shot that guy in the face! [ he laughs ]

President Barack Obama: Yeah. I… I do. Yeah.

Joe Biden: [ after a beat ] Hey! I went to Opening Day!

President Barack Obama: Uh-huh… uh-huh…

Joe Biden: Yeah! I threw out the first pitch!

President Barack Obama: Uh-huh…

Joe Biden: STEEEEE-RIIIKE!!!

President Barack Obama: That’s really… really great.

Joe Biden: Yeah. Yeah. What else? What else? Oh, wait! Karl Rove called me a LIAR!

President Barack Obama: [ ignoring him to do some paperwork ] I heard about that…

Joe Biden: Yeah, I was telling that story — you know, the one about me with President Bush, when he said to me, “Joe, I’m a leader!” You know? And I said, “Mr. President! Turn around and look — no one’s following you!” [ he chuckles heartily ] ZING! Right? Ah, there’s one for Joe! Ah, Rove says I never said that!

President Barack Obama: Well… did you really say that, Joe?

Joe Biden: Ah, who really knows? I lose track of that sort of stuff. [ a beat ] Well, I’d better let you get back to work! So, listen to me jibber-jabber over here! You take it easy, alright? [ he nudges Obama ] I’m a phone call away. Don’t be a stranger! [ he starts to walk away, then stops again ] Oh, hey! Actually, I should probably take these… [ he collects his family pictures ] You probably don’t need pictures of my family, right? Yeah! Yeah! You gotta know who you’re doin’ it for, right? You don’t want any of these, do you?

President Barack Obama: No.

Joe Biden: Okay, sure! Right! [ he grabs a picture of himself ] Look at that — I autographed that one! Yep! Alrighty, here we go! Okie-doke, kiddo, I’ll talk to you later, alright?

President Barack Obama: Okay.

Joe Biden: See you later!

[ Biden scurries out of the office, as Obama waits a moment ]

President Barack Obama: [ into intercom ] Uhhhh — he’s gone, right?

Voice: Yes, sir.

President Barack Obama: Okay, lock the door.

Joe Biden: [ rushing back in ] Oh, hey! One last thing! [ into the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 20

08t: Zac Efron / Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Zac Efron’s Monologue

…..Zac Efron
Fan #1…..Kristen Wiig
Fan #2…..Abby Elliott
Male Fan…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: Ladies’ and gentlemen — Zac Efron!

Zac Efron: Thank you….thank you guys… Man! It’s great to be here…for those of you who don’t know me, my name is Zac Efron… For those of you who do know me…thanks for staying up so late! Tonight is very important to me because I get to reach out to an whole new audience. But first…if you don’t mind, I’d like to say something to the fans who brought me here:

Hey tweens! Zac Efron here. I’d just wanted to take a moment in the show to say hi to you guys..and bye guys…I mean girls…because let’s face it tweens, I owe you big time…

If it weren’t for you, I’d just be some random college student, instead of a college-aged man pretending to be a high school student…plus…I wanna thank you for the finalcial support. True! Your parents gave me that money, but you gave me something even more valuable….your attention!

And if someone can keep a tweens attention for more than five minutes, parents will pay that person all of their ?? (the laugh hides Zac’s voice). So thank you!

Fan #1: No! Thank you Zac Efron!

Zac Efron: Why you guys are really excited uh?

Fans: Hi!

Male Fan: Hi!

Zac Efron: Hello sir! Are you their father?

Male Fan: No!

Zac Efron: Ok…well…

Fan #1: Ccc..can we take a picture?

Zac Efron: Yeah! Sure guys…come on up here.. This is nice. I guess..not all of my fans are tweens

Male Fan: Yeah..I’m a tweefty

Zac Efron: What’s a tweefty?

Male Fan: Tween forty and fifty…ok ready..one…two…three

Fan #2: Zac..zac…do you are there late for the after-party?

Zac Efron: Oh yes, yes I do

Fan #1: Is there your girlfriend?

Zac Efron: Let’s just say it’s a girl

Male Fan: Yuk!

Zac Efron: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. The Yeah yeah yeah’s here…stick around everybody, we will be right back!

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 20

08t: Zac Efron / Yeah Yeah Yeahs

A Message from the Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers

David Pappas…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: [ over title card ] “A message from the Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers. The “Junk Mail” People.”

[ dissolve to footage of forest land ]

David Pappas: [ enters frame ] When you look at this, what do you see? A forest? Well, at the Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers, we see something FAR more wonderful: we see 250 million pre-approved credit card offers… [ he holds up a credit card offer ] 100 million Radio Shack circulars… [ he holds up the circulars ] or 6,000 tons of Sharper Image catalogs. [ he holds up the catalogs ] And, if you ask us, that beats a forest any day!

Announcer: [ over title card ] “But isn’t junk mail a waste of money?”

[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]

David Pappas: First of all, we don’t like the term “junk mail.” We prefer to call it “free mail”… or “fun, surprise mail”! Now, as to… [ makes quotes sign ] “junk mail” being wasteful — that is a complete myth. What people don’t realize is that junk mail is massively subsidized by the federal government!

[ show chart: “U.S. House of Representatives Subcommittee on the Post Office” ]

Because of our campaign contributions to key members of Congress, I’m proud to say that we can send out 500,000 Dell catalogs for the cost of a single First-Class stamp! The true cost… is paid by taxpayers. So, wasteful? [ chuckles lightly ] Not from our perspective!

And as for the trees involved? Please understand: we didn’t have to pay to grow them! They were growing anyway! Many for hundreds of years!

Announcer: [ over title card ] “How does my name get on a mailing list?”

[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]

David Pappas: For consumers, THAT’S the best part! Yuo don’t have to do a THING! Whenever you open a bank account, register to vote, rent an apartment, used car, buy a car, have your phone conversations monitored by the Department of Homeland Security — whatever! We get ALL your personal information, AUTOMATICALLY!

From there, we do all the work. Let’s say we’re looking at your private personal data, and we see that you’re a young woman who’se been treated for a sexually transmitted disease. Like, for example: Allison Schweitzer, of 1512 Marvin Ave. in Eau claire, Wisconsin. [ show her photo ] We might decide, hey… here’s someone who would enjoy receiving the Victoria’s Secret catalog. [ he holds up the catalog ] Or… a free issue of Pierced Lifestyle Magazine. [ he holds up the magazine ] Allison doesn’t have to lift a finger. She can just sit back and watch the mail roll in! An amount she can only dream of!

[ footage of a monuntain of mail tumbling onto her den ]

Announcer: [ over title card ] “With your organization having access to all this data on private individuals, isn’t there a danger of identity theft?”

[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]

David Pappas: Look. Let’s be frank. We sell your personal imfornation to SO many different outsider groups, we can’t be expected to couch for ALL of them. But, in our experience, better than 80% — 4 out of 5 — are ABSOLUTELY honest. And when we send out that data — such as credit card numbers, Social Security numbers, psychiatric records, mother’s maiden name, ATM pin number, etc. — we’re careful to add a note: “Warning: Not To Be Used For Identity Theft.”

Announcer: [ over title card ] “Thak you for your frank answers to all my questions. I appreciate your taking the time, and keep up the good work!”

[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]

David Pappas: Not at all. That’s what we’re here for.

Announcer: [ over title card ] “The Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers. The more you know about us, the more you like us.”

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 20

08t: Zac Efron / Yeah Yeah Yeahs

High School Musical 4

Kelly…..Abby Elliott
Tyler…..Andy Samberg
Ms. Darbus…..Casey Wilson
Troy Bolton…..Zac Efron
Black Student…..Kenan Thompson
Girl Student…..Kristen Wiig
Boy Student…..Bobby Moynihan
Walt Disney…..Darrell Hammond

Narrator: We now return to the conclusion of HSM 4, New Senior Class!

Kelly & Tyler: [ singing ] “Now we’ve done everything that we set out to do.”

Tyler: I couldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for you.

Kelly: You’re my best friend, from the start till the end

Both: And we made itttt *end song*

Tyler: East High forever!

Ms. Darbus: Thank you, Kelly and Tyler! There have been so many suprises today, but I am happy to say that there is one more. Please welcome to the stage East High’s favorite song. He graduated last year and now he’s back from his first year of college: Troy Bolton!

Kelly: Oh my god, Troy’s back!

All: [ singing ] Troy’s back! Troy is back, East High is suffering from a Troy attack!

Troy Bolton: Please stop. Stop the music. Uhh thank you. Hello. My name is Troy Bolton. One year ago, I stood in this very spot and said that East High was a place where Ms. Darbuss encouraged us to break the status quo. I told my class that we were all in this together, then music started, and I jumped off the stage to participate in a lengthy choreographed musical number with my classmates.

Black Student: That sounds awesome!

Troy Bolton: But, I’m not here to talk about last year, I’m here to talk about what happens after you leave East High.

Ms. Darbus: Do you think this is a good idea, Troy?

Troy Bolton: Back off!

Ms. Darbus: Ok.

Troy Bolton: Here’s the deal: noone sings at college!

All: What? Huh?

Troy Bolton: And from what I can tell, this is America’s only singing high school.

All: Wait, what? No no

Troy Bolton: I was as shocked as you are. Let me tell you how my first day went: I was nervous, but excited. So I started singing a song called “Nervous But Excited”. People just stared at me! There was zero choreography! ZERO!

Kelly: Then what happened?

Troy Bolton: Who are you talking to?

Kelly: You.

Troy Bolton: Word of advice: look at who you’re talking to. Once you leave this school, no one projects or cheats out. Another word of advice: if you’re sad at night, and you sing in your bed, people can hear you. Everyone can hear you!

Girl Student: So you’re just a regular student?

Troy Bolton: Ha, I wish. But guess what? I can’t be a regular student because I got a terrible education.

Boy Student: That’s not true!

Troy Bolton: No? What have you learned here?

Boy Student: I learned that I don’t have to play into stereo types that people have for me. I can be a jock and a dancer, and I can be proud of it!

All: Yeah! You tell him!

Troy Bolton: What’s the capital of Texas?

Boy Student: Uhh Texas City? Uhh

Girl Student: Texas Town.

Troy Bolton: I thought so. You’re not gonna believe how little you know.

Black Student: But at least you can fall back on basketball, right Troy?

Troy Bolton: No. I may have been good here but it’s become clear that East High plays in some sort of musical theatre league with a very low standard of competition.

Kelly: But if I know Troy Bolton you’re gonna turn it around, right?

Troy Bolton: Nope. I’m a year out of high school and my life’s over. I have no education. People think I’m weird. I don’t know how to express myself except in song. I have nowhere to turn.

Walt Disney: You could come back here.

Troy Bolton: Who are you?

Walt Disney: Walt Disney.

Troy Bolton: But I thought you were frozen.

Walt Disney: I recently thawed out.

Kelly: But how?

Walt Disney: Science says global warming, but I can’t help thinking it has something to do with Jews…

Troy Bolton: Can I really come back to East High?

Walt Disney: Troy, you should never have gone to college. Disney characters aren’t supposed to grow up. Just ask Mickey Mouse or Lindsay Lohan. That’s why I think you should return to High School Musical where you belong.

Troy Bolton: You mean it?

Walt Disney: I do.

Troy Bolton: *song* They say you can’t go home again, but here I am with all my friends.

Kelly: And we’re glad to have you back

Tyler: Yeah, we’re glad to have you back

All: This is a high school musical, and every day is magical. With you and me, and me and you…

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 20

08t: Zac Efron / Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Goodnights

…..Zac Efron

Zac Efron: That’s the show, everybody! Thanks to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs! Thank you, all — thank you, EVERYBODY! Thanks for coming here tonight!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 20

08t: Zac Efron / Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Foot Rub

Younger Brother…..Zac Efron
Older Brother…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on exterior, above-garage apartment, rock music playing ]

[ dissolve to interior, Younger Brother peeking in as Older Brother jams on his guitar ]

Younger Brother: Hey, bro? You got a minute?

Older Brother: [ looks over ] Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah! Yeah, little bro — I’ve got LOTS of minutes. [ stops playing ] Oh, man, I love Guitar Hero, huh?

Younger Brother: Where’s your X-Box?

Older Brother: Oh, I couldn’t afford one. Yeah. so I just bought the guitar. You know, it’s still fun! [ ] So what brings you up to my loft above the garage, little man?

Younger Brother: Uh… [ he sits ] I need some advice.

Older Brother: Good! Okay. Good, good. Yeah, hit me!

Younger Brother: Um — you know, mom and dad are gone for the weekend —

Older Brother: Mmm-hmm.

Younger Brother: And I, uh, invited Becky over, and, uh —

Older Brother: [ smiles ] Ohhhhkay! Let me guess… let me guess. You gotta borrow some Jimmy hands.

Younger Brother: No. I don’t think that’s gonna be the issue.

Older Brother: Ohh! Okay! Alright, I got it! Yuo never pumped her tire, huh? Huh? Split the uprights, right? I’m gonna show you a, uh, sure-fire way to get your ranch dressing in her hidden valley!

Younger Brother: [ stands to leave ] Aw, forget it!

Older Brother: Wait! No, hey, hey, hey!

Younger Brother: I’ll look for advice online!

Older Brother: No, no, come on! That is the way I talk, alright? I’m not sorry about that — at all! That is ME, 100%! Now, park it! Park it!

Younger Brother: [ he sits ] What do I do?

Older Brother: [ smiles ] You ready? [ a beat ] Foot rub!

Younger Brother: Foot rub?

Older Brother: Yes! Now… there is only one way to learn how to give a great foot rub. And that is by GETTING a great foot rub.

Younger Brother: [ chuckles, stands ] No, thanks!

Older Brother: [ grabs him ] Ohhhh, YES, thanks! Yes, bro, right here! [ he taps the coffee table ] Put your foot right up here. Shoe off — let’s do it! [ Younger brother removes his shoe and puts his foot on the table ] There you go. What is this? [ removes his sock ] Come on, I’m your brother — this isn’t weird! Alright, first off: you gotta start by sanitizing right there, that’s what you gotta do. [ sprays his brother’s foot ]

Younger Brother: Wait — is that Pledge?

Older Brother: Yeah, yeah! Yeah! I mean, it’s a generic brand, but, essentially, yes. Yeah, that’s all that is. [ puts the Pledge down and picks up a t-shirt ] Alright. Now, you just use a t-shirt to dry that off there.

Younger Brother: Why do you keep a crusty t-shirt by the couch?

Older Brother: Don’t worry about it! Don’t worry about it! Alright… alright, next, you want to stimulate the foot. [ picks up a troll-doll pencil ] Ideally, this would be a feather. Okay? You just wanna… [ he tickles the troll-doll along his brother’s foot ]

Younger Brother: [ pulling away ] It tickles, man!

Older Brother: Yeah! I KNOW it tickles! It’s a TROLL DOLL — that’s what they DO! [ drops the troll-doll, picks up baby oil ] Alright, now what you want to do is cut down the friction. Baby oil does the trick. [ he squirts the oil onto his brother’s foot ]

Younger Brother: Why do you keep baby oil next to that crunchy t-shirt?

Older Brother: Don’t worry about it! Don’t worry about it! [ he rubs his brother’s foot with the t-shirt ] Alright, here we go. What you want to do is, you want to cradle the foot like it’s a trophy you just won. [ he cradles his brother’s foot ] You see that? Then you want to work the sides. [ he runs his fingers up his brother’s foot ] Work the rims, just like that. Alright? Work the rims. Do that. Right? right? [ grabs individual toes ] Look at this little piggie… this piggie. Now, you want to do this to “Bat-Man”, the TV show. Ready? [ runs his fingers up his brother’s foot while humming the “Bat-Man” theme ]

Younger Brother: [ pulling away ] Okay, man, I don’t want to DO this any more!

Older Brother: Okay, look — fine! Okay — fine! You don’t want to do this, I understand. You can just spend the rest of your life Yankovic-ing your Weird Al!

Younger Brother: What does that even mean?

Older Brother: Oh, you know EXACTLY what it means! Come on!

Younger Brother: It’s just, my leg’s starting to cramp, man.

Older Brother: Okay! Alright! We’ll just put it a little bit higher, that’s all. [ he picks up a stack of catalogs ] Put it on these catalogues. There you go.

Younger Brother: Why do you have all of those Lane Bryant catalogs.

Older Brother: Don’t worry about it! Don’t worry about it! Okay. Alright. You know what? I know why this feels weird: we haven’t set the mood.

Younger Brother: Yeah, yeah… that’s why this is weird.

Older Brother: Ye-eah! Okay, you know what sets the mood? Some tunes. [ he picks up a remote to turn Heatwave’s “Always and Forever” onto his stereo ] There you go! I’ll just dim the lights… [ he tosses a tennis ball at an offscreen light switch ] There’s that! [ he grabs a match ] Alright… now I’m just gonna light a match really quick.

Younger Brother: [ worried ] Why? Why are you lighting a match?

Older Brother: Because I just farted — don’t worry about it. [ grabs his brother’s foot again ] There you go. Now, right off the bat, what you want to do is make little circles. Just use your thumbs. There you go… there you go. Alright? Just make little circles like “Karate Kid”, right? “Whack on… whack off…” There you go!

Younger Brother: Isn’t it “Wax on… wax off?”

Older Brother: I don’t know — I’ve never seen it. Okay. Alright. Shh. Just pay attention so you can replicate, okay?

[ Older Brother starts singing along to the lyrics, then slowly but systematically raises his younger brother’s foot to his mouth ]

Younger Brother: Stop! What the heck?! Hey! What are you doing, man?! Let go of my foot!! Oh, my God!! Let go of me, man!! HELP!! [ he manages to lean back and thrust his other leg up so as to push his oldr brother off of him ]

Older Brother: Okay!! Okay!! FINE!! [ he turns the lights back on ] Sorry, man! [ he turns the stereo off ] sorry, man — I got in the moment. That was my bad. My bad. Alright? [ he sits ] You want some advice? I’ll give you some really good advice: Just be yourself.

Younger Brother: [ exhausted ] Okay.

Older Brother: Alright.

Younger Brother: Thanks, man…

Older Brother: Okay. Where you going?

Younger Brother: I’m going to WASH my FOOT!!

Older Brother: Makes sense. Makes sense.

Younger Brother: What are you gonna do?

Older Brother: Uhhh — you know, I was thinking about playing some Guitar Hero? But, uh — you know, now that I’ve got the, uh, baby oil, t-shirt, and catalogues out… [ he smacks his knee ] I might og a different way.

[ as the younger brother slinks out of the loft, the older brother turns up the mood music and tosses the tennis ball at the light switch ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts