Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

The Full Moon Killer

Alan…Ben Affleck
Glenn…Chris Parnell
Female Coworker…Amy Poehler
Steve…Will Forte

[open on an office break room]

Glenn: You know about that serial killer the papers are calling “The Full Moon Killer?”

Alan: [very cultured voice] I know of him. I know he takes his victims each month on the full moon. I know he’s a brilliant psychopath who has struck fear into the heart of the city. I know he has those bumbling police running in circles. [chuckles] Yes, circles as perfect and round as the moon itself. [sips coffee]

Female: Well, then you must have heard the good news, then.

Alan: Good news? Can’t be that they caught him. Because I think I would know if the Full Moon Killer was finished with his bloody but delicate work. At any rate, we’ll soon know, as this month’s full moon fast approaches. [sips coffee]

Glenn: Well, that’s just the thing. This month’s full moon was last night, and he didn’t kill anyone.

Alan: [spits coffee] What’s that now?

Female: Yeah, last night the full moon came and went and there was no murder.

Alan: No, that’s not possible. I happen to follow astronomy, and the full moon is tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Glenn: Well… [lifts newspaper from table and reads] “For the first time in a year, the full moon came and went without a victim.

Alan: This is inconceivable.

Female: Well, it’s true. That pervert may finally be done with his killing spree.

Alan: First of all, [forcefully puts down coffee mug] I doubt he’s a pervert. He’s probably a refined gentleman: rakish, devilishly handsome, cunning. Cunning as the wind. Second of all, it’s not a “kiling spree.” It’s the glorious will of my master! I mean his master, not my master. And third, the full moon is tomorrow night. Tomorrow!

Female: Wow, you’re really invested in what night the full moon is, Alan.

Alan: Ah, no. No. It’s just, from what I read about the Full Moon Killer–who, by the way, would prefer to be called “Lunarius, disciple of Vorp”–he’s a pretty together guy, and if his refrigerator tells him to kill someone every full moon until his mommy comes back to life, well, then, by Jove he’s gonna do it!

Steve: Hey, did you guys hear about how that moon weirdo forgot to kill anyone this month?

Female: Yeah, what a jerk.

Alan: You know what? Maybe the jerk is Janice from accounting, who went on maternity leave and dumped all of her work in the Full Moon Killer’s lap! I mean, he didn’t even have time to think straight, let alone kill anybody. [Glenn and female coworker begin chuckling] Boy, when his refrigerator hears about this… [notices laughter] What’s so funny? Don’t you laugh at me! Don’t you laugh at me!

Female: Alan, we’re messing with you! The full moon’s not until tomorrow.

Glenn: Dude, this is the sports section. [lifts paper again] I was totally BSing you.

Alan: Wait a minute. Does that mean you guys know?

Glenn: That you’re the Full Moon Killer–oh, sorry, [air quotes] “Lunarius?” We had an idea.

Steve: I mean, you left your manifesto on your desk the other week. By the way, “sex zombie” ends “ie,” not “y.”

Alan: [jovially] Oh, man, you read that?! That’s private, Steve. I mean, I am so embarrassed. I’m so one of those guys who wants to get caught, you know? I never thought I would be, but I am.

Female: You totally are. You totally, totally are!

Alan: I can’t believe this! Not funny, you guys! [waggles admonishing finger] Not funny, Glenn!

Female: Oh, man, the look on your face was classic.

Glenn: [mimicks Alan] Oh, ah, there’s just no way that he would forget to, ah, kill someone, ah, er…

Alan: I am never gonna hear the end of this, you pranksters.

Steve: Well, to be fair, it was mostly Glenn’s idea. [points at Glenn]

[Glenn holds up his hands and nods acknowledgingly]

Alan: Well, then the joke’s on him, because he’s gonna be my next victim!

Glenn: Oooooh.

[scene freezes]

[narrator and title: AND HE WAS!]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Ben Affleck’s Monologue

…..Ben Affleck

Ben Affleck: Thank you! Thannk you, thank you! [ clears his throat ] It’s great ot be back here, this is my second time hosting “Saturday Night Live” — [ audience erupts into cheers ] Very exciting. A lot of you know I have a new movie coming out – “Jersey Girl” – I’m very excited about that. It’s great to be back here on the East Coast – a lot of people know I’m from Boston, but what you may not know about me is that I was actually born in California. Yes. My family moved to Boston when I was about three.

Here’s another thing, you may not know about me – at one time.. I dated Jennifer Lopez. [ audience cheers ] I-it’s true. You may not have been aware of that, because, maybe, you’ve been, say.. trapped in a mine shaft for the last eighteen months. Or, maybe you just don’t enjoy watching TV. Or.. reading magazines. Listening to the radio. Or talking to people. Or walking down the street, say! Honestly, I was pretty shocked at, uh.. all the attention we received. There was only one thing tht really bothered me, though. and that was, being referred to as — [ audience member yells “Bennifer!” ] Bennifer. Thank you, sir. [ audience cheers ] I mean – Bennifer. How hard is that? How hard is it to say two names, instead of one? Ben and Jennifer – Bennifer! You’re not saving that much time! It was on the cover of every magazine in America, and they were selling a lot of magazines. But I did not see Dime One!

That is why.. I’m selling these babies right here. [ pulls out a t-shirt that reads “Bennifer” ] I had the name trademarked, printed up about 50,000 units – all sizes, 100% Egyptian cotton – beefy T’s. This is a quality product, folks. However, it turns out, that, when you make a product of this quality, you ned about eight months lead-time. So, uh.. they all came in last week! All 50,000 of them! Yeah. Long story short – I’m pricing them to move! $10 a piece; $15, if I sign them; for $20, I’ll sign them “Bennifer”! Okay? Now.. my timing was a bit off, I’m not going to get caught in a buy like that again. I’m thinking ahead – I got my bases covered for the next time. You ready?

[ pulls out a second t-shirt that reads: ]

Benyonce!

It could happen. I mean.. nobody saw the J-Lo thing coming.. Or.. or.. how about..[ pulls out a third t-shirt that reads: ]

Boprah.

What, be honest – she’s looking very good these days! A very attractive woman.

[ clears throat ] I guess this is, maybe, a kind of a long shot, but..

[ pulls out a fourth t-shirt that reads: ]

Mary-Kate and Ashfleck

Now, this one is for the off-chance that I get together with Marcia Gay-Harden: [ pulls out a fifth t-shirt that reads “Ben-Gay” ]

Or.. or.. or, or.. in the unlikely, but.. wonderful event – hope, hope – that Matt finally comes around.

Alright! We’ve got a great show! We’ve got 2-for-1 t-shirts in the back! N.E.R.D. is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Goodnights

…..Ben Affleck

Ben Affleck: Alright! Thanks to N.E.R.D.! Thank you, Kelly Ripa![ looks at N.E.R.D. band members ] I think their album drops March 23rd, March 23rd is the album. [ looks around him ] Thank you very much, cast and crew. Go see “Jersey Girl” – why not? Thank you all very much, thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Gigli

Director…..Amy Poehler
…..Ben Affleck
Justin…..Chris Parnell
Frondi…..Fred Armisen

[ open on interior movie studio, as “Gigli” is being filmed ]

Director: Okay, Ben. This is Justin – he’s playing Brian, the mentally-challenged guy that you’re kidnapping.

[ Ben and Justin exchange their pleasantries ]

Director: So, Ben – your mark’s right over here, have a seat.

Ben Affleck: Okay, great.

Director: And, um.. just so you’re aware – a lot of these extras are really mentally-challenged people. So.. please try to be sensitive.

Ben Affleck: Oh, yeah. Sure. [ turns to the mentally-challenged people ] Hi, guys! Hi, everyboy!

Mentally-Challenged People: Huh-hiii!

Ben Affleck: [ to Justin ] Alright, uh.. you want to run lines?

Justin: Uh.. sure. [ recites his line ] “Are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “Yeah, Brian.. you gotta come with me to the Baywatch.”

Justin: “Are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “Yeah, we’re going to go to the Baywatch.” Okay, we got it!

Director: Okay, everybody, then.. we’re making just a little lighting adjustment, so if you could bare with us..

Justin: Okay.

Ben Affleck: No problem.

[ mentally-challenged Frondi, leans over from the next table ]

Frondi: Ben! Ben!

Ben Affleck: [ turns to face the guy ] Yeah, what’s up?

Frondi: I’m your faaaaan.

Ben Affleck: Great.. great. thanks, man, what’s your name?

Frondi: Frondi!

Ben Affleck: Okay.. Hi, Frondi.

Frondi: Hiii!

Director: Okay, everybody. We’re ready. We’re ready to try one. Everybody ready, feeling good? Okay, great! “Gigli”, Scene 7, take 1.

Off-Camera Voice: Action!

[ Frondi leans into the frame each time, appearing lost and wayward ]

Ben Affleck: “Brian. You gotta come with me. Brian? Okay?”

Justin: “Are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “What? No – yeah. Yeah, we’re going to go to the Baywatch.”

Off-Camera Voice: Cut!

Director: Okay, cutting, everybody – cutting. I’m sorry, Justin, I think they want you to chage your shirt, okay?

Justin: Oh.

[ Justin exits the scene to change his shirt ]

Director: We’ll just be a minute, then.

Frondi: Ben! Ben!

Ben Affleck: Yeah, Frondi.

Frondi: I don’t think this movie’s gonna worrrk.

Ben Affleck: What?

Frondi: Well, the script has a lot of hoooles in it.

Ben Affleck: That’s not a very nice thing to say, Frondi..

Frondi: Be-e-e-ennn.. it’s got lo-gic prob-lems.. and it’s too talky.

Ben Affleck: Well.. that’s your opinion.

[ Justin returns to the scene, wearing a different colored shirt ]

Director: Okay, everybody, let’s go again. Everybody, ready? Quiet, plese – we’re going again. “Gigli”, Scene 7, take 2.

Off-Camera Voice: Action!

Ben Affleck: “Brian. You gotta come with me. Okay?”

Justin: “Ar-are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “What? No – yeah. Yeah, we’re going to go to the Baywatch.”

Off-Camera Voice: And.. cut!

Director: Cutting, everybody – we’re cutting. Could we please get a touch-up for Ben, please? Touch-up over here? Thank you.

Frondi: Ben! Be-e-en!

Ben Affleck: Yes, Frondi?

Frondi: Audiences don’t like to see real-life couples on the scree-eennn.

Ben Affleck: Really, Frondi?

Frondi: They find it off-putting!

Ben Affleck: And, how do you know all this stuff, Frondi?

Frondi: Well.. “Eyes Wide Shut”.. “The Marrying Man”.. “Shanghai Surprise”..

Ben Affleck: Well.. “Gigli”‘s gonna break the mold, alright?

Frondi: “Gigli”‘s a terrible title.

Ben Affleck: [ aggravated ] You know what?! I don’t think it is! I think you’re wrong! I think people are going to say, “Hey! That sounds interesting! How do you pronounce that – is it “Jiggly”, is it “Gigli”? It’s an interactive title! It’s a water cooler’s topic of conversation! I think it’s great!

Frondi: Yeah, yeah – no!

Ben Affleck: Uh.. no offense, Frondi, but I think I know a little mroe about this stuff than you do. And I think “Gigli” is going to be a big, big hit!

Frondi: I don’t think so.

Director: Okay, everybody – quiet. We’re going again. And.. “Gigli”, Scene 7, take 3.

Off-Camera Voice: Action!

Ben Affleck: [ distracted ] “Brian.. you gotta come with me to the Baywatch..”

Justin: “Ar-are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “Yeah, no, what, we’re going to the Baywatch..”

Off-Camera Voice: And.. cut!

Ben Affleck: [ turns to Frondi ] You know something, Frondi?! You epitomize the kind of fear-based Hollywood thinking I’m trying to get away from with this picture!!

Frondi: Yeah.. well.. it’s your funeral, Ben.

Ben Affleck: Yeah, it is, Frondi.. yes, it is my funeral.

Frondi: And then you’re falling in love with the lesbian again? Oh, brother.. I didn’t like it the first time, when it was called “Chasing Amy”.

Ben Affleck: [ outraged ] Why don’t you SHUT UP, you ASS!!

[ the room grows silent ]

Director: Oh, my God.. Ben Affleck just yelled at that mentally-challenged guy!

Ben Affleck: [ desperately ] No, I didn’t! I was kidding!

[ cut to spinning edition of The National Enquirer, with headlines: “Affleck Mean To The Mentally Challenged” and “Frondi vs. William Hung” ]

[ edition of a spinning People: Mentally Challenged lands, with Frondi giving thumbs-up thumbs-down on the cover with headlines: “Gigli Reviewed Inside” ]

[ edition of a spinning Us lands, with headine: “Bennifer Split Over Frondi?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Donnie G. and Sidecar

Donnie G…..Ben Affleck
Sidecar…..Fred Amisen
Housewife…..Amy Poehler
Italian…..Horatio Sanz
Bank Teller…..Maya Rudolph

[ presented in black and white ]

[ show Tab Masterson as Donnie G. on police motorbike remove his sunglasses and wink at the camera ]

[ SUPER: “Tab Masterson” ]

[ show Quentin Miller as Sidecar in the motorbike sidecar remove his goggles and smile at the camera ]

[ SUPER: “Quentin Miller” ]

Announcer: “Donnie G. and Sidecar”.

[ show Donnie G. and Sidecar in the motorbike and sidecar riding up the street ]

[ title card: “Donnie G. and Sidecar” ]

Announcer: Brought to you by Palmolive.

[ show Palmolive product card ]

Announcer: Episode 1: Killer on the Roof.

[ SUPER: “Episode 1: Killer on the Roof” ]

[ dissolve to Housewife standing on the sidewalk, as Donnie G. and Sidecar rush into the scene ]

Housewife: I’m glad you’re here! I’m so scared! I think he’s on the roof!

Donnie G.: Relax, little lady. Donnie G. is here! When I’m around, nobody gets hurt. ‘Cause that’s the way Donnie G. does things.

Housewife: Just get him off the roof!

Sidecar: Yeah, uh.. hey, Donnie, before we do anything, uh.. can I just talk to you for a second?

Donnie G.: Sure, buddy, what’s on your mind?

Sidecar: Hey, you know how I ride in the sidecar?

Donnie G.: [ smiling ] Of course I do, Sidecar! That’s why I call you Sidecar!

Sidecar: Yeah, well, uh.. you put me on the curb a couple of times there. Just try to be careful.

Donnie G.: [ chuckling ] Oh, did I? I’m sorry, brother! I didn’t mean to surf the curb, I just got a lot on my mind! [ rubs Sidecar’s helmet, knocking his goggles to the pavement; Affleck smiles in surprise but doesn’t crack up ] You okay?

Sidecar: Yeah. Well, it just hurts my back a little biy.. it doesn’t have great shocks, and.. you know what I’m saying, right?

Donnie G.: [ bends down to retrieve Sidecar’s goggles ] Hang on to these, pal. You got it. Me and you, we’re a team!

Cycle Radio Voice: Donnie and Sidecar – you have a 10-20 in progress – over.

Donnie G.: 10-20? That’s disturbing the peace. We gotta go! I know a shortcut!

Sidecar: Alright, man, let’s get there!

[ Donnie G. and Sidecar rush out the scene ]

Housewife: But what about the killer on the roof?

[ shots ring out, as Housewife scatters along the sidewalk ]

Housewife: Oh! Oh! Oh!

[dissolve to Donnie G. and Sidecar on the road; Sidecar fidgets as Donnie G. drones on to himself ]

Sidecar: Hey!

Donnie G.: It sounds like it’s gang-related —

Sidecar: Donnie, there’s a mailbox!

Donnie G.: Boy, those gangs today —

Sidecar: Turn, there’s a mailbox!

Donnie G.: — will be sorry when they see me riding —

Sidecar: Mailbox!

Donnie G.: — my new motorcycle —

Sidecar: Mailbox! Mailbox, mailbox, mailbox!

[ a mailbox comes flying at Sidecar, knocking him unconcious ]

[ dissolve to Italian standing in front of his restaurant, as Donnie G. rushes into the scene sans Sidecar ]

Italian: These boys are-a making-a too much noise! I hope those cycle cops show up soon! [ looks over ] Oh! Thank God you’re here! Hey! They only buy some stuff.. and they-a in here making too much noise!

Donnie G.: Noisemakers, huh? Sidecar, you go around back.

[ Sidecar hobbles into the scene, his goggles askew ]

Sidecar: Yeah, uh.. Donnie..

Donnie G.: What happened to you?

Sidecar: Remember how I kept saying.. “Mailbox” back there, all the time?

Donnie G.: Yeah, that was funny, what was that about?

Sidecar: Yeah. Well, I was saying that because you were about to slam into one of those gigantic, industrial mailboxes.

Donnie G.: Oh. Did I hit it?

Sidecar: You did. you did, very hard, and I think I blacked out there for a minute or two.

Donnie G.: Well, what do you want me to do?

Sidecar: Well.. I want you to calculate an extra five feet of space – on your right – for the sidecar, which I’m sitting in. That’s all you need to do.

Donnie G.: No problemo! I just got a lot on my mind these days!

Sidecar: Okay. Just try to remember that I’m sticking out on the side, and I don’t have any control —

Donnie G.: Right, right.

Sidecar: — It’s really scary for me.

Donnie G.: Yeah! No, I got it, I got it!

Cycle Radio Voice: There’s a 320 in progress, at the First National Bank.

Donnie G.: I know a shortcut through the park.

Sidecar: Alright. Let’s get there!

[ Donnie G. and Sidecar rush out the scene ]

Italian: Wait a minute! You didn’t do anything about the noisy people in here! [ looks at camera and smiles ] Oh, by the way.. I’m Italian!

[dissolve to Donnie G. and Sidecar on the road; Sidecar grips tightly to the back of the sidecar as Donnie G. fails to pay attention to him ]

Donnie G.: Boy, I’m glad I thought of this shortcut..

Sidecar: Donnie! There’s a huge family picnic!

Donnie G.: I’m gonna clean this city up —

Sidecar: Donnie! Try to turn!

Donnie G.: — or my name’s not —

Sidecar: There’s a kid, Donnie! There’s a kid!

[ a child bounces over Sidecar ]

Sidecar: Watch out! There’s a dog! A dog, dude!

[ a dog bounces over Sidecar ]

Sidecar: Please, please! Trash can! Trash can!

[ a trash can smacks Sidecar in the head ]

Sidecar: Buffet! Food!

[ pieces of food are scattered across Sidecar ]

Sidecar: Turn, please! There’s a grill! It’s a grill, Donnie!

[ Sidecar is knocked unconcious by the full force of a grill ]

Donnie G.: — I’ve gotta tell you, I sure love being Donnie G..

[ dissolve to Bank Teller standing outside thebank, as Donnie G. rushes into the scene sans Sidecar ]

Bank Teller: Robbery! Robbery! Somebody call the cycle cops! There are bank robbers in the bank where I work!

Donnie G.: Don’t worry, ma’am, help is here, in the form of me and Donnie G.’s sidekick – Sidecar! [ laughs ] You hear that one, Sidecar!

[ Sidecar hobbles into the scene, the grill attached to his stomach ]

Sidecar: It’s very funny. Great. Uh.. you see this, uh.. you see this grill around my neck?

Donnie G.: I see that. Why are you wearing that crazy thing! [ smiles ]

Sidecar: Well, uh.. you drove me through a. through a family picnic.

Donnie G.: No, I didn’t. I drove past a family picnic.

Sidecar: Yeah, but uh.. but the part I was in went right through it.

Donnie G.: That’s impossible! I left plenty of room on the left!

Sidecar: I’m on the right, Donnie.

Donnie G.: Oh. You’re right, my left.

Sidecar: No, it’s the same right, Donnie! [ aggravated ] Look, let’s do this – why don’t we switch, alright?

Donnie G.: Switch? Tell me how that’s gonna work? Your name is Sidecar! I mean.. if Sidecar isn’t in the sidecar, well.. that’s just too damn confusing!

Sidecar: Right. I can’t argue with that, but, uh.. do me a favor – just try to watch out for that space on the right. A little leewayt, that’d be great, I’d really appreicate it.

Donnie G.: No problem.

Cycle Radio Voice: Donnie G., Sidecar – there’s a 520 in progress at the malt shop.

Donnie G.: Uh-oh. I know a shortcut.

Sidecar: [ pleading ] Okay. How about this? What if we don’t take a shortcut, we just take Main Street right down the middle.

Donnie G.: Don’t worry, Sidecar, it’ll save time – it’s through the sword museum!

[ Donnie G. rushes out the scene as Sidecar relunctantly follows ]

[ dissolve to title card: “Donnie G. and Sidecar” ]

Announcer: Next week, on “Donnie G. and Sidecar”..

[ dissolve to Donnie G. speaking at Sidecar’s funeral, at a podium in front of a framed photo titled: “Sidecar: 1925 – 1955” ]

Donnie G.: He was the best. I’ll always remember my little Sidecar, right there on my left.. I mean, my right.

[ dissolve to title card: “Donnie G. and Sidecar” ]

Announcer: That’s next week! On “Donnie G. and Sidecar”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Boston Teens

Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Mrs. Bartalotti…..Amy Poehler
Donny Bartalotti…..Ben Affleck
Priest…..Chris Parnell
Smithy…..Seth Meyers
Frank…..Horatio Sanz

Sully: Tommy! Is that thing on?

[ camera nods Yes ]

Sully: Alright. Hey! This is Pat Sullivan – we’re gathered here at the Knights of Columbus, to honor the nuptials of one of the biggest heartbreakers of all time – our dear friend, Mr. Donny Bartalotti! This is the worst thing to happen to the women of the greater Boston area, since Nomar started scrubbin’ Mia Hamm.

Denise: Best wishes, Donny! I’m glad you finally found a woman who will support you – both financially, and financially.

Sully: Denise, you’re looking radiant.

Denise: Oh, thank you – it’s a loaner. On loan from Dress Barn, to be returned tomorrow, applying a bit of Febreze to my hot spots!

Sully: You ah gross.

Denise: You ah!

[ a drunken Mrs. Bartalotti enters ]

Mrs. Bartalotti: Oh, my god.. this wedding is an abomination!

Sully: Hey, Mrs. Bartalotti!

Denise: You must be wicked proud!

Mrs. Bartalotti: Ohhh, God. Get me another whiskey sour, sweetheart..

Sully: No problem. [ removes bottle of whiskey from his pocket, and pours for Mrs. Bartalotti ]

Mrs. Bartalotti: Ohhh, beautiful.. God love ya.. [ turns ] Eileen! Ain’t this a shockah!

[ Donny Bartalotti enters the scene ]

Sully: Bartalotti!

Donny Bartalotti: He likes to party!

Sully: He don’t date fuglies!

Donny Bartalotti: He’s after all the hawties! What’s up, bro!

Sully: I haven’t seen this idiot in two years! The last I heard, he got fired from the Army.

Donny Bartalotti: Yes! Apparently, I was too awesome for the Armed Forces! It’s good to see youse guys – Sully, Denise – you’re the best! Thanks for showin’ up!

Denise: Oh, my Gawd, what are you talkin’ about? All we had to hear was Donny’s gettin’ married, and open bar!

Donny Bartalotti: [ laughs ] Well.. [ piano music begins to play ] Uh-oh.. looks like we’re startin’ up! Next time you see me, this finger will be covered in Zale!

[ Donny exits to front, where he takes his place at the alter next to another man. A Priest begins to officiate the ceremony. ]

Priest: We are gathered here today to join Donny and Smithy.. two souls brought together by their fobidden love.

[ Tommy pans the camera back to Sully and Denise, whose faces express extreme shock ]

Priest: A marriage is a new beginning.

Sully: Denise.. how many beers have I had?

Denise: [ unsure ] ..Maybe a sixer?

Sully: And how many grooms do you see before you?

Denise: There appeahs.. to be two.

Sully: Do you see a bride?

Denise: I see not a bride.

Priest: — For they have found in each other.. companionship.

Sully: Are we bearing witness to a same-sex matrimony?

Denise: [ freaking out ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! We were not given fair warning!!

Sully: This cannot be! Donny Bartalotti cannot be gay! He’s my hero! I haven’t felt this betrayed since the Yankees stole A-Rod.

Denise: Wait a minute.. wait a minute, wait a minute.. here it is. [ reads from invitation ] “You are cordially invited to a committment ceremony for Donny Bartalotti and Michael Smith!”

Sully: I thought it said Michelle!

Denise: Oce again, we suffah the repurcussions of our poor reading comprehension.

Priest: And now.. Donny and Smithy will read their vows.

Donny Bartalotti: [ clears throat, reading from a sheet he pulls out ] “My dearest Smithy.. from the moment I seen you in line, standin’ there lookin’ all gorgeous at Kelly’s Roast Beef.. teasin’ me, with your tight pants on.. I knew you were meant to be my life partnah! your love has opened up parts of my heart.. that I did not know existed – especially the queeh part! There are so many things – [ begins to tear up ] sorry this is hot – you are wicked good at. Wiffleball.. X-Box.. candlepins. And that’s just for startahs. You are everything to me. You combine the tenacity of Bobby Orr, the grace and class of Larry Byrd, and the heart, soul and spirit.. of Nomar.”

Smithy: Nomar!!

[ camera pans back to a stunned Sully and Denise ]

Sully: [ still one with Nomar, though relunctant ] Nomar..

Donny Bartalotti: Nomar!

Smithy: You’re.. so queeh.

Donny Bartalotti: You are.

[ they kiss ]

Sully: Stop, stop, stop!

Donny Bartalotti: What are you doin’, bro?!

Denise: Donny! Donny! You are not gay! Okay? What about the time we did it in the Little Pete’s parking lot?

Sully: Wait, wait, what? Where was I?

Denise: Oh, you were inside tryin’ to buy rubbers.

Sully: The irony.

Donny Bartalotti: Denise, Denise.. while my pahts do respond equally to administrations from either gender.. my heart belongs only to Smithy.

Smithy: You got me right here, bro.. you got me right here!

Donny Bartalotti: You’re my other half, you gay bird, you! Come here!

[ they kiss again ]

Sully: Hey, alright, none of it! I was raised to believe that a marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman.. and another mysterious woman that shows up at his funeral.

Donny Bartalotti: Listen.. bro. Don’t start with me, alright? You don’t want to fight with me, at my gay wedding! ‘Cause I’ll get down with ya!

Smithy: Do NOT make my lover and I F you up on OUR special day!!

Mrs. Bartalotti: Oh, my Gawd, Donny.. why couldn’t you be a priest?!

Denise: Alright.. settle down, settle down, everybody, settle! I apologize for the interruption. You know what, Sully? You should be ashamed of yourself, okay? Everyone should have the same kind of love.. that Donny and Smitty have.

Sully: Denise, I’ve been begging you for the kind of love that Donny and Smitty have, and you never let me do it! Not even once!

Denise: You are so perverted!

Sully: You are!

[ they make out, as Frank enters ]

Frank: Hey, Denise. You promised you’d set me up with some bridesmaids.

Denise: Oh. Yeah.. uh.. big problem, Frank – they’re all gentlemen.

Frank: I don’t care. A pronise is a promise.

Sully: Forget it, Frank. We’re leaving.

[ Frank silently turns away ]

Donny Bartalotti: No, no, no.. what are you talkin’ about? You guys stay. Of all my friends, you guys are the only ones that showed up! Not Waddy.. Champy.. Tags.. Digby.. Squeezebox.. Ooey or Casper.

Sully: Not even Weebs?

Donny Bartalotti: [ solemn ] Not even Weebs.

Sully: Well.. Suly and Zazoo are here! And, where we go..

Sully & Denise: So goes the pahty!

Smithy: Alright, then! Let’s move to the reception portion of the evenin’! There’s a bar in the front.. and, if you’re ready to eat, line up in the rear!

Sully: Tommy! Please tell me you got that!

[ Tommy shakes the camera Yes ]

Sully: Good! ‘Cause..

Sully, Denise, Donny: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Only Bangkok III

Businessman…..Seth Meyers
…..Ben Affleck
…..Kelly Ripa
Old Man…..Darrell Hammond

Businessman: Hey. It’s me. It, um.. it happened again. Well, this time it’s, uh.. it’s a dude. No! I didn’t kill him! The lizard killed him.. and, then, Ben Affleck killed the lizard.

[ Ben Affleck enters, dressed in drag ]

Ben Affleck: It was self-defense! That thing was making fun of me!

Businessman: Yeah. Ben Affleck. I don’t know why he’s here. He crawled in the window at 6:30 this morning, with a baby Kimodo Drago under one arm, and Kelly Ripa under the other. Yeah. From “Regis & Kelly”.

[ Kelly Ripa runs into the room, screaming ]

Kelly Ripa: We gotta cut this dead guy up, and put ihm in a bag! This is bad, man! Ba-a-ad!!

Businessman: Ripa! Chill! I will handle this! Dude.. stop judging me, and just give me that phone number again. [ a beat ] Because the number’s in my wallet, and the wallet’s in the dead dude.

[ SUPER: “What happens in Thailand, stays in Thailand” ]

[ SUPER: “Only Bangkok” ]

[ an Old Man knocks on the door, and enters the room ]

Businessman: He’s, um.. on the bed.

Ben Affleck: Hey, old man – you know anyone who wants to buy a suitcase full of panda meat?

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Only Bangkok II

Woman…..Amy Poehler
…..Ben Affleck

[Open on outside of hotel room where two burly men are standing in the doorway]

Woman: Let me get this straight – you’re selling me to these guys?!

Ben Affleck: What?! No-o! Nobody is selling anybody, okay? I’m.. giving you to these guys, to cover some temporary losses I’ve incurred from gambling on Russian Roulette.

Woman: You’ve been gambling on Russian Roulette?!

Ben Affleck: My guy wasn’t supposed to die! I had a system!

[the burly men drag the woman out of the room]

Woman: You’re high again!

[The woman is kicking and screaming as she’s being taken away]

Ben Affleck: Alright.. I may have socially injected some Komodo dragon venom – just because everyone else is doing it.

[ the Woman is carried away by some Thai gentlemen collecting on their debt ]

Woman: Ow! Let go of me!

Ben Affleck: You’re being selfish! You don’t need both your kidneys!

Woman: This is not my idea of a honeymoon! Ben Affleck! Dammit!!

[Ben Affleck shakes his head as the woman continues screaming down the hall]

[ SUPER: “What happens in Thailand, stays in Thailand” ]

[ SUPER: “Only Bangkok” ]

Ben Affleck V/O: Komodo dragon venom..

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Only Bangkok I

Businessman…..Seth Meyers

[ phone ringing ]

Businessman: [ into the mouthpiece ] Hey! Dude, it’s me. Yeah, I know, you were right – Thailand is crazy. Um.. listen, there’s a, uh.. situation. I took your advice – I got a hooker.. No, Kevin, it was not awesome! She came to my room, and we started drinking this bottle of Vodka with a coiled snake in it.. next thing I know, I woke up in the closet, and she’s not moving. [ sighs ] Look! Just shut up! What is the name of that guy? You know, that, uh.. that Dutch guy.. who helps clean up.. “messes.” [ a beat ] Thank you. That is all I needed to know.

[ SUPER: “What happens in Thailand, stays in Thailand” ]

[ SUPER: “Only Bangkok” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 13th, 2004

Ben Affleck

N.E.R.D.

Kelly Ripa Boston TeensSummary: Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) attend the wedding of Donny Bartalotti (Ben Affleck), but are surprised to discover he’s come out of the closet for a gay ceremony.

Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Donny Bartalotti, Frank.

Transcript

Montage

Ben Affleck’s MonologueSummary: Ben Affleck beats the media bandwagon by showing off the Bennifer-style t-shirts that will accentuate potential future love matches.

Also Hosted: 99m, 04a.

Transcript

Z105 Morning CrewSummary: Joey Mack (Jimmy Fallon) discovers that pal Dan the Garbage Man (Ben Affleck) has stolen all his characters for his own show.

Recurring Characters: Joey Mack.

Transcript

GigliSummary: While filming the mental institution scene from “Gigli”, mentally-challenged Frondi (Fred Armisen) cautions Ben Affleck that the film will suck.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Mel Gibson explores the making Of “The Passion Of The Dumpty.”

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More medical mishaps among the trailer trash society.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Tyler.

Only Bangkok ISummary: A businessman (Seth Meyers) deals with a dead hooker in hotel room while in Thailand.

Transcript

N.E.R.D. performs “She Wants To Move”Bio: Rock band N.E.R.D. (acronym: No-one Ever Really Dies) is Pharrell Williams, Chad Hugo, and Shae Haley.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Finesse Mitchell asks bill collectors to leave him alone. Diana Ross (Maya Rudolph) hasn’t completed 48 consecutive hours in jail. Former president Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) comments on the bickering between George W. Bush and John Kerry.

Recurring Characters: Diana Ross, Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Top O’ The MorningSummary: Patrick Fitzwilliam () and William Fitzpatrick () welcome their Bono-obsessed friend, Ronald McDonald (Ben Affleck), to the show.

Recurring Characters: Patrick Fitzwilliam, William Fitzpatrick.

Only Bangkok IISummary: A woman’s (Amy Poehler) marriage to actor Ben Affleck turns sour during her stay in Thailand.

Transcript

Donnie G. and SidecarSummary: Trooper Donnie G. (Ben Affleck) is oblivious that his sidekick, Sidecar (Fred Armisen), is getting banged into objects on the side of the road.

Transcript

Only Bangkok IIISummary: Ben Affleck and Kelly Ripa wreck a businessman’s (Seth Meyers) room during his stay in Thailand.

Transcript

N.E.R.D. performs “Maybe”

The Full Moon KillerSummary: At the office, an employee (Ben Affleck) jeopardizes his secret identity by defending the Full Moon Killer’s missed hit.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Thrill SeekersSummary: Talk show host (Ben Affleck) only pays attention to one of his thrill seeking guests (Seth Meyers), but ignores the others (Maya Rudolph, Finesse Mitchell).

17th Annual Adult Movie AwardsSummary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short.

Note: This sketch was also cut from the dress rehearsal of the Colin Firth episode, but would finally air in the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

Desert IslandSummary: Ben Affleck is stranded on a desert island with an overzealous female fan (Rachel Dratch).

Merv the PervSummary: Merv the Perv (Chris Parnell) visits a pregnant women’s yoga class.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

SNL Transcripts