Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

…..Drew Barrymore
E.T…..Will Forte
C3PO…..Seth Meyers
Zelda Rubinstein…..Rachel Dratch
Darth Vader…..Darrell Hammond

Drew Barrymore: Thank you, everybody, it’s great to be back! [ audience can’t stop applauding ] Thank you! Thank you! Thanks, you guys! Hey, it’s great to be back here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”! You know, the first time I hosted the show I was seven years old – it was way back in the early 80’s, right after I did “E.T.”. Now, that seems like a lifetime ago, and I’ve made a bunch of movies since then —

[ E.T. enters stage ]

E.T.: Drew-ewww. Drew-ewww!

Drew Barrymore: Oh, my God! E.T.!

E.T.: It’s been so long!

Drew Barrymore: I know! What are you doing here? I thought you went.. home.

E.T.: Well, I came back to do a spot on “I Love the 80’s”, on VH1.

Drew Barrymore: Right, right.. well.. gosh. We should, uh, sit around and.. catch up and talk.. and.. you know – later, I’ll get you some Reese’s Pieces.

E.T.: Noooo. I’m on Atkins.

Drew Barrymore: Right. Isn’t everybody now..?

[ 3CPO enters stage ]

C3PO: Drew Barrymore!

Drew Barrymore: C3PO?

C3PO: I haven’t you since we were together in “Star Wars”!

Drew Barrymore: I wasn’t.. I wasn’t even in “Star Wars”..

C3PO: Wasn’t in “Star Wars”? But of course you were!

Drew Barrymore: No. I mean.. I was pretty messed up at certain points back then, but I’m pretty sure I’d remember if I was in “Star Wars”!

[ Zelda Rubenstein, the midget lady from “Poltergeist” enters stage ]

Zelda Rubinstein: Do not go in-to the light!

Drew Barrymore: Okay —

Zelda Rubinstein: Run a-way from the liiiight.

Drew Barrymore: Okay, who are you?

Zelda Rubinstein: It’s me, you co-star from “Pol-ter-geist” – Mid-get La-dyyyy!

Drew Barrymore: Wait a minute.. I wasn’t in “Poltergeist”.

Zelda Rubinstein: Are you su-urrrrre? I re-mem-ber a lit-tle gir-liiiiie..

Drew Barrymore: Yes. No. I’m.. positive, I’m sure. No.

Zelda Rubinstein: You can’t tell me you did-n’t au-dit-ion for it..

Drew Barrymore: Actually, I did, funny enough. But.. no. That was a long time ago —

[ Darth Vader enters stage ]

Darth Vader: Young Barrymore. I am your father.

Drew Barrymore: Wait. You guys! I wasn’t in “Star Wars”, I wasn’t in “Poltergeist”, and you’re definitely not my father!

Darth Vader: Well.. guess I’ll just.. throw this damn thing away. [ holds out a paper Valentine ]

[ the cache of non-co-stars awwws ]

Drew Barrymore: Wait, no, no. That’s really sweet, actually. Why don’t you read it to me?

Darth Vader: [ relunctantly ] Oh, alright. [ reads ]
“I held you, when you skinned your knee.
My heart soared on your graduation day.
And, although I’m known by many other names:
Lord of the Sith.. Vader.. Anakin the Skywalker..
Whatever.
The one I’m most proud of..
Is “Dad”.”
And, then, I wrote something about.. “Happy Valentine’s Day. Daddy.”

Drew Barrymore: Thank you. Thank you. Happy Valentine’s Day. I think that was so sweet. I wish all of you were my Valentine.

E.T.: Not me. E.T. holding out for Kelis. I like milkshakes!

Drew Barrymore: Excellent. Well, I’ll see what I can do to help you there. And, we’ve got a great show – Kelis is here. So, stick around and we.. we will be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Jarret’s Room

Jarret….Jimmy Fallon
Gobi….Horatio Sanz
Deejay Johnathan Feinstein….Seth Meyers
Gobi’s sister….Drew Barrymore

[Opens with some computer bleeps on a computer screen. Jarret’s Room show is being set up. Dreadlocked, hippie college student, Jarret, is fixing a camera on himself. He sits at the edge of his bed in his dorm room.]

Jarret: Hey, what’s up everybody? Its me Jarret coming to you live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire College. Its Valentine’s Day. Love is in the air. Young lovers thoughts turn to romance and tomorrow morning thousands of college students everywhere will wake up next to a person who’s name they can’t remember, covered in their own puke. Its beautiful. Anyway, we have an awesome show for you tonight. So give it up for my house band Deejay Johnathan Feinstein!

[Camera turns to Deejay Johnathan Feinstein. He’s in a green suit, dark sunglasses and with two black chicks in green shaking it up singing Outkast’s hit “Hey, Ya'”]

Deejay Jonathan Feinstein: 1! 2! 3! 4! My baby don’t ask around because I love her so….and then I’ll know for sure….

[Jarret turns his music off]

Jarret: You’re an idiot.

: Schtanke you. Schtanke you very much.

Jarret: Please, stop it.

Deejay Johnathan Feinstein: All right.[trying to pick up the song’s tempo]All right, all right, all right, all right….

Jarret: Stop, stop, stop![Deejay stops]

[Jarret fixes the camera on himself again]

Jarret: Anyway, give it up for my best friend and roommate, Gobi!

[We hear Gobi off camera singing Cheech’s theme song from the movie “Born in East L.A.”.]

Gobi:[sing]Born in the East L.A., I was Born in East L.A.![puts his “Free Chong” t-shirt right into the camera] Free Chong![laughs and sits next to Jarret]

Jarret: Free Chong!

Gobi: It isn’t cool what they’re doing to Chong.

Jarret: Yeah!

Gobi: She didn’t do nothing!

Jarret: Wait, she?

Gobi: Yeah, so what that she married Maury Povich. That’s not a crime. Free Chong!

Jarret: You’re way off.

Gobi: Hey! Happy President’s Day everybody!

Jarret: Nice Abraham Lincoln hat you got there, dude.

Gobi: Thank you. Just a little tribute to our first President.

Jarret: Second actually.

Gobi: “For score seven joints ago. I created Bong Hat” [Gobi takes a puff out of a bong made out of a top hat. Blows smoke and laughs] Bong Hat! Daradada Dadadada! Bong Hat! Daradada, dadadada.

Jarret: Well, you know, I’m a little bummed right now.

Gobi: Oh, no.

Jarret: Yeah, today is Valentine’s day and I don’t have a Valentine.

Gobi: Oh, dude. I almost forgot. I found a chick for you. She’s super hot. She’s easy. She gives it up to anybody.

Jarret: Why don’t you go out with her?

Gobi: That’s gross! That’s my sister!

Jarret: Ok. First of all, its weird that you talk like that about your sister. Second, I can’t go out with her. It would be weird. It would be like making out with you. Check out this picture of Gobi’s sister.

[Clicks computer keys, a picture of a fat, blonde chick appears. Gobi looks at her excited.]

Gobi: That chick’s hot!

Jarret: “A” no she’s not. And dude, that’s your sister, man.

Gobi: Dude. Trust me. You’re gonna like her.

Jarret: No, no, no. I will not like her. No way.

Gobi: Yeah, you will.

Jarret: No, I will not.

[A cute blonde enters the room behind Gobi and Jarret. She has a cane and big dark sunglasses]

Gobi’s Sister: Gobi? Jarret? Are you in here? Hello?

Gobi: That’s her.

Jarret: Dude, Gobi, you never told me your sister was blind.

Gobi’s Sister:[takes off glasses] I’m not actually. I just told the government that I was blind so that I could get medicinal marijuana for my glaucoma! Yeah! Awesome!

Jarret: Awesome, wow. You look so different.

Gobi’s Sister: Oh, yeah. Well, I just got that Chinese bird flu so I lost a whole bunch of weight.

Jarret: That is so hot.

Gobi’s Sister: Yeah, well I’m better now. And that’s why I’m here in New Hampshire ready to support Dean with his New Hampshire primary. Go Dean! Yeah! I’m a Dean-iac!

Gobi: No way. Dean Cain is running for President?

Jarret: The New Hampshire primary was like 3 weeks ago. You know that? Right?

Gobi’s Sister: Oh, crap. Well, I thought I found my true calling when I saw him on TV he was all like “We’re going to Michigan! Florida! South Carolina! North Carolina! DELAWARE! AAAAHHHH!!!! And it was then that I knew I had to do my patriotic duty and give this guy a joint so he can mellow out!

Gobi: Wow! I can’t believe it! Superman’s gonna be President!

Jarret: You were gonna sell weed to a Presidential candidate?

[Horatio has a coughing fit]

Jarret:[ad-lib] You ok buddy?

Gobi’s Sister: Are you ok?

Gobi: I’m all right.

Jarret: Man, you were gonna sell weed to a Presidential candidate. I love you.

[Image blurs into a dream. Gobi’s sister lies in bed]

Gobi’s Sister: Hey, Jarret. You’re looking very sexy tonight.

[Jarret has a robe on, smoking a pipe, gigolo attitude]

Jarret: Thank you. Yeah, you’re looking ravishingly “replent”. And may I say even boner-inducing.[brings up a tray of Cheetos] Could i interest you in some Cheetos? Careful, its not easy, being cheesy.

Gobi’s Sister: Would you care for some smoke? [She expertly rolls a joint in seconds]

Jarret: Nice.

Gobi’s Sister: Got a light?

Jarret: Sure do.[Brings out a big Jerry Garcia head with a lighter on top. Jarret flicks the lighter a couple of times and can’t get it to light itself. Jimmy a little embarrassed ad-libs]You know what? I’m probably gonna have to go out and get another one.

[Drew laughs at this blooper.]

Gobi’s Sister: Great. Why don’t you come here and lie down for a while?

Jarret: Don’t mind if I do. Just let me slip into something more comfortable.[goes out and returns in a second] That’s better.

Gobi’s Sister: Hey, wait. I thought you said you were gonna slip into something more comfortable.

Jarret: I did. I’m not wearing these anymore.[shows his heart filled undies, throws them away]

Gobi’s Sister: Mind if I put on a little mood music?

[She clicks the remote and “Casey Jones” from The Grateful Dead plays]

“Riding that train, high on cocaine….”

[Jarret produces 2 glasses and a Colt .45 bottle of beer. Gets into bed with Gobi’s sister.]

“Watch your speed, trouble ahead, trouble behind and you know that notion just crossed my mind….this old…”

[Close-up on the clock. 10:32, 10:33, 10:34, 10:35]

[Jarret comes up from under the covers exhilarated]

Jarret: That was amazing!

[Gobi comes from under the covers too]

Gobi: Totally!

[They face each other and freak out]

Gobi and Jarret: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

[Back from the dream, back in Jarret’s room]

Gobi’s Sister: Jarret, Jarret! Are you ok?

Jarret: Thank God it was a dream.

Gobi: Or was it?

Gobi: Whoa.

[Gobi brings up a giant, red, clown shoe. Drew absolutely cracks up at the sight of it. Horatio cracks up a bit too.]

Jarret: What is that?

Gobi: Didn’t you had a dream that you were naked and Ronald McDonald was beating the crap out of you with his shoe?

Jarret: No.

Gobi: Oh, I guess it was a dream.

Jarret: Yeah, it was.

Gobi: Or was it?

[Gobi brings up Jarret’s heart filled underwear]

Gobi, Jarret and Gobi’s Sister: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Jarret: That’s all the time we have for today. Deejay Johnathan Feinstein take us out!

Deejay Johnathan Feinstein:[resumes “Hey, Ya'” with the black girls shaking it up]Shake it! Oh, shake it! Shake it!

[Computer logs off]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Gore’s Endorsement

Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
Tipper Gore…..Amy Poehler
Sen. John Kerry…..Srth Meyers

[ open on Al Gore talking on the phone, alone in his kitcen ]

Al Gore: Okay. Goodbye to you, then. [ hangs up phone ]

Tipper Gore: Al. Honey. Aren’t you coming to bed?

Al Gore: I’ll be right there. It’s just, the Democratic Party needs Al Gore. I’m trying otm ake the world a better place!

Tipper Gore: Come to bed.

Al Gore: Okay, Tipper, I got one more call to make tonight.

[ Tipper exits ]

Al Gore: [ dials phone, clears throat ] Hello? Hello! This is Al Gore.

[ cut to Sen. John Kerry on the other end of the phone ]

Sen. John Kerry: Hello, Al.

Al Gore: I.. I wanted ot be the first to say congratulations, Senator Kerry.

Sen. John Kerry: Well, thank you, Al. Of course, it’s not over yet.

Al Gore: I know. I heard you had an affair.

Sen. John Kerry: I have already categorically denied that.

Al Gore: Don’t worry, it doesn’t matter! I was on the ticket with an honest-to-God pervert, and he mopped up George, Sr.! I mean, I think you’re the man! At first, you know, I supported Howard Deam.

Sen. John Kerry: Yes. I know. I want to thank you for that, Al!

Al Gore: I don’t think Dean would’ve gotten as far as he did, without my support.

Sen. John Kerry: Al, he hasn’t won a single state.

Al Gore: Well, I’m done supporting him! I tried to support Clark but he wouldn’t talk to me. Then, I.. expressed interest in supporting Edwards. But he tried to sue me! And Lieberman took a poke.. at.. me.

Sen. John Kerry: Well.. you had that one coming to you, Al.

Al Gore: [ changing subject ] Anyway.. I think the entire world would like to know, who I’m going to support now?

Sen. John Kerry: Well, I’ll tell you what I think, Al: I think you’re delusional.

Al Gore: Well, the wait is over. I.. decided.. to support.. youuuuu!!

Sen. John Kerry: Gosh, Al, I-I really wish you wouldn’t do that. You know, I think I’ve got a real chance here.

Al Gore: I’ve got some very big ideas. Let’s invest in health care, education! Let’s preserve the environment! We can make this country stronger! And richer! I am.. ex-cit-ed.

Sen. John Kerry: Well, Al.. they’re all good ideas, they.. they just don’t sound good coming out of you!

Al Gore: That’s because you haven’t heard my new style.

Sen. John Kerry: People have been talking about your new style, Al, and.. I’m not sure it’s the right move.

Al Gore: Listen. I’ve got a new throat thing going. [ demonstrates ] Our president BETRAYED our trust!! He LIED to us!! I’m Al GORE!! My hatred for him GROWS!! [ softens his tone ] ..and grooooows. I can turn it on and off, it’s easy. You should try it!

Sen. John Kerry: Yeah. I probably won’t try that, Al.

Al Gore: You just wait ’til I’m at the convention. I’m gonna be a big ol’ hit at the convention.

Sen. John Kerry: Yeah.. the convention.. [ lying ] It’s in, uh, Salt Lake City gthis year, Al. I’ll see you there!

Al Gore: I thought it was in Boston..?

Sen. John Kerry: Yeah, I guess they moved it! Now it’s out in Salt Lake! I can’t wait to see you in Salt Lake City, Al!

Al Gore: Hey, wha- what..? What’s this I hear about you needing a Vice-President?

Sen. John Kerry: Gotta run, Al!

Al Gore: No, no, I-I don’t know if you remember this, but.. I’ve been a Vice-President —

Sen. John Kerry: Oh, you know what? I’m driving into a tunnel, Al! I’m onmy cell phone! [ faking ] Crackle.. crackle.. Gotta go! I’m breaking up! Crackle..

Al Gore: Remember the throat yell, it’s real —

[ Kerry has hung up, Gore is stuck with the dial tone ]

[ Tipper re-enters the kitchen ]

Tipper Gore: Al. you said you were coming to bed.

Al Gore: John Kerry is so excited about my support! [ pretends he’s still speaking with Kerry ] I’ve gotta go now, John! Bye! [ hangs up the phone ] I think I’ll make a big announcement tomorrow, Tipper. I think the world will want to know, and they’ll be listening..

Tipper Gore: That’s nice, Al. You come upstairs, okay? I’ve got your pajamas all laid out.

[ Tipper exits ]

Al Gore: I just wanted to say, that.. “Live! From New York! It’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Goodnights

…..Drew Barrymore

[ Drew holds up a sign that reads: “Happy Valentine’s Day, Fabby Adam Man!” ]

Drew Barrymore: I want to thank Kelis. I want to wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s — [ applause drowns her out ] I want to wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day. I thank you so much for having me here. This is the most amazing group of people, it’s so much fun, it’s an absolute dream come true! Thank you so much. I want to thank Lorne, too, for having me back – I hope he’ll have me again. And, uh, everybody have a most beautiful evening.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Mike’s Bar

Bartender…..Chris Parnell
John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Rodham…..Drew Barrymore

[ open on interior, Mike’s Bar, set in 1968 ]

Music Over: “Sunshine of Your Love”, Cream.

Bartender: Here you go, Lt. Kerry. On the house.

John Kerry: Thanks, Eddie – but it’s just “John Kerry”. I’m on leave for a few months.

Bartender: Visiting the ol’ stomping grounds, huh? Well, your money’s no good here, Sailor.

[ George W. Bush, dressed in graduation cap and gown, enters, holding his diploma up proudly ]

George W. Bush: Whoo-hoo!! Whoooooo!! Whoooooo!! Ladies and gentlemen! It is my great pleasure to announce that I – Goerge W. Bush – have officially gradgeated from Yale.. University! [ makes crowd sound effects ] Thank you! Thank you! [ makes more crowd sound effects ] Thank you, appreciate it, thank you!

Bartender: Got your diploma, George?

George W. Bush: Yes, sir. Listen to this: [ reads ] “This diploma defers upon George W. Bush..” – that’s me – “..a Bachelor of Arts, with a major in Physical Education.” [ stops reading ] “And a minor.. in Partying!” I wrote that in myself! [ chuckles ]

Bartender: That’s great, George. What can I getcha?

George W. Bush: Brew me. Pronto! [ sits next to Kerry ] Hey, buddy, nice shirt. Are you, uh.. you’re missing your cub scout troop, or something?

John Kerry: No, actually, I’m a lieutenant in the United States Navy, on leave from active duty in Vietnam.

George W. Bush: Whoa! Son of a bee sting! I know you! You’re John Kerry! you graduated tow years ago – remember me? George Bush! I was the one who, uh.. put the firecracker in that bulldog’s butt at the Princeton game!

John Kerry: Oh, yes, I remember. A friend of mine explained to me that it was humorous – and that an appropriate response would have been laughter.

George W. Bush: So, uh.. oyu were in Vietnam. [ whistles ] I haven’t really been following that.. but it seems like a really bad scene over there, man.

John Kerry: In the words of Oppenheimer, paraphrasing ancient Indian scripture: “I have become Death. Destroyer of worlds.”

George W. Bush: [ confused ] So, it is a bad scene?

John Kerry: Yes! It’s a bad scene!

George W. Bush: [ sips his beer ] Boy, I love booze! God, strike me dead if I ever turn into one of those pansies who don’t drink booze! If you ever hear me say “I quit booze”, just kick me in the face!

John Kerry: You know what? I promise I will do that!

George W. Bush:

George W. Bush: Thanks, man!

[ a young Bill Clinton enters the bar, flanked by two attractive young women ]

Bill Clinton: Ladies? What do you say we have a drink in here? This seems like a nice place. [ to Bush and Kerry ] Gentlemen. The name’s William Jefferson Clinton – this is Moonbeam, this is Thistledew. I call her Thistledew because.. this’ll do!

George W. Bush: [ smiling ] That’s nice!

Bill Clinton: Girls? Here’s some money – why don’t you go play a little pinball?

[ the girls exit to a back room, as Clinton sits next to Bush ]

George W. Bush: I’m George W. Bush!

Bill Clinton: Yes, sir.

George W. Bush: And I can tell you and me are going to be great friends! I’m a booze hound, and you’re a cooze hound!

Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ] It’s a pleasure, George. [ looks at Kerry ] What’s with the stiff? Hey, buddy, who died?

John Kerry: [ a beat ] A lot of people, actually. My commanding officer.. a couple of my friends..

George W. Bush: This here is John Kerry, he’s kind of a buzzkill. So, what brings you to town, Billy?

Bill Clinton: I’m visiting the law school, uh.. I figured it was a good way to avoid going to Vietnam. But, now, I’ve got a new plan: go to Europe, smoke a bunch of weed, and see if I can snag me one of those Benny Hill’s girls – I love.. that.. show.

George W. Bush: Really? Really, I gave it a try; I couldn’t follow it. I don’t like humor you have to think about too much, you know?

Bill Clinton: You know, George W.. you should come over to England. You and me, we could do some real damage over there.

George W. Bush: Oh, I can’t leave.. You see, I made a committment to serve my country in the Texas Air National Guard. [ a beat ] I’m just kidding! I’ll come over next week!

Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ]

George W. Bush: Is it cool if I crash on your floor?

Bill Clinton: Actually, I have an extra bed.

George W. Bush: No, I’ll probably literally crash on your floor – I drink a lot!

Bill Clinton: [ looking toward the door ] Uh-oh, look out – lesbo, two o’clock.

Hillary Rodham: Excuse me, guys. My name is Hillary Rodham, and I’m visiting from Wellesley.. can one of you tell me where the art museum is?

George W. Bush: [ chuckles ] Boy, are you askin’ the wrong guy!

John Kerry: It’s down Chapel St., on the right.

Hillary Rodham: Thanks, sailor.

George W. Bush: Hey, Kerry. I think she’s into you, man!

Bill Clinton: Ugh! Better him than me. Hey, G.I. Joe, why don’t you do us all a favor and jump on that grenade?

Hillary Rodham: Hey! That is a typically boorish male, patriarchal response, and I will not stand for it!

John Kerry: Miss Rodham, don’t pay attention to them! I could use some air – why don’t I walk you to the museum?

Hillary Rodham: Well. At least one of you around here is a gentlemen!

John Kerry: [ looks back at Clinton and Bush ] You two owe me for this, big time! [ exits with Hillary ]

Bill Clinton: George W., man oh man. Isn’t it great to be young and carefree?

George W. Bush: You said it! To know that you cna do whatever you want. And no one will ever know! And there will never be any consequences!

Bill Clinton: Speaking of which.. [ clears throat, pulls out a joint from inside his jacket ] You want to turn on, space man?

George W. Bush: Oh, no.. I don’t touch that stuff.

[ Clinton puts the joint away ]

George W. Bush: [ unsteady ] Uhhh.. you got any cocaine on ya’?

Bill Clinton: Yes. Yes. I do.

[ arm-in-arm, Clinton and Bush exit to the rear of the bar ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Access Hollywood

Pat O’Brien….Jimmy Fallon
Charlize Theron….Drew Barrymore

[Opens with Pat wearing a suit and tie, glasses, mustache, mic on hand in the Access Hollywood TV studio]

Pat O’Brien: [very nasal voice] Welcome back to Access Hollywood. I’m Pat O’Brien.[points to his nose]I don’t use this thing on my face. What is it used for ? I don’t use it. What is it? You’ll never guess why Jeniffer Garner’s arms are so big—she’s been lifting weights. And you won’t believe what Julia Roberts had for lunch—a Cobb salad. First up, I caught up with Oscar hottie Charlize Theron at the Independent Spirit Awards.

[Access Hollywood logo. Lights! Camera! Access!]

[Pat interviews Charlize Theron]

Pat O’Brien: Charlize, great to see you. I can tell people we’re friends, right?

Charlize Theron: Uh, sure.

Pat O’Brien: That’s totally cool. Charlize you’ll never guess who’s nominated for an Oscar for playing serial killer Aileen Wuornos in the movie “Monster”.

Charlize Theron: I am?

Pat O’Brien: That’s right. You are. Charlize, you’re such a hot lady, playing an ugly lady. Was that hard?

Charlize Theron: Not at all. I think it would be harder to be ugly and play beautiful.

Pat O’Brien: Yeah, well, you’re great in the movie, uh, lets take a look.

[Cut a clip of “Monster”. Charlize as Aileen Wuornos has greasy hair, rotten teeth and bad skin]

Aileen Wuornos: Don’t you understand?! I can’t prostitute myself no more! Because I killed somebody! I’m a serial killer!

[Back to interview]

Pat O’Brien: You’re so ugly in that movie. You’re so ugly.

Charlize Theron: Thank you.

Pat O’Brien: Let me ask you something. Why do so many actresses have to ugly themselves up? I mean, is it to win Oscars? Is that what Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry and Sara Jessica Parker are trying to do?

Charlize Theron: I don’t know Pat. I mean, I would never ugly up, you know, just to win an Award. I just wanna stretch as an actor.

Pat O’Brien: Just wanna stretch. What’s your next project on?

Charlize Theron: Well, I just finished a film for Miramax. Its an amazing true story of Monica Plattendorf. She was a Seattle mother whose husband actually struck her in the face with an ax but she could not be silenced and she went on to be a community activist.

[Cut to a clip of the film. Charlize plays Monica who has a bloody ax stuck in the middle of her face. She is delivering a speech at a podium.]

Monica Plattendorf: I don’t care what anyone in this town says. Just because I have an ax in my face doesn’t mean that I don’t count. And I say that this town needs a municipally funded dog run.[Applause]

[Back to interview]

Pat O’Brien: I smell Oscar. I’m just kidding. I haven’t smelled anything since I was 15. I heard you’re currently working with a German director because he thought you were great in “Monster”.

Charlize Theron: Yes, Helmut Ofterbrau, yes that’s his name, Helmut Oftenbraunder, called me and asked me to do his new film about a woman with a very rare disease that gives her porcine features. And she’s just trying to maintain her life and her family. Its very moving.

[Cut to the clip. A woman with a pig snout sits across a man in a table holding a drink]

Pig Snout: Are you leaving me for another woman, John? Or are you leaving me because I’m a pig face? [Snorts like a pig]

[Back to interview]

Pat O’Brien: I smell Oscar again and bacon. Again, I’m just kidding, I can’t smell. I heard you’re doing a play. What? Are you gunning for a Tony too?

Charlize Theron: No. I just love the part. Its about the life of Captain Lou Albano.

Pat O’Brien: Wait, wait. Captain Lou? From the Cindy Lauper videos?

Charlize Theron: Yeah, but God, there’s so much more to him. I mean, I play Captain Lou in his later years.

[Cut to the actual Captain Lou Albano in the middle of a wrestling ring with other wrestlers. He’s fat, ugly, hairy and has rubber bands in his facial hair]

Captain Lou Albano: [Charlize in a gruff voice] Let me tell you 3 things about Captain Lou Albano! I care about my fellow man, I’m a champion and I wear rubber bands on my face!

[Back to interview]

Pat O’Brien: Its like its not even you.

Charlize Theron: Thank you.

Pat O’Brien: Did you know that Renee Zellwegger is gonna do a remake of “The Elephant Man” called “Elephant Girl”?

Charlize Theron:[worried] What?

Pat O’Brien: Next on Access Hollywood you’ll never believe where Topher Grace got his name from. Its from Chris-to-pher. I’m Pat O’Brien. Goodbye.

[Pat puts a giant bottle of Afrin up to his nose and inhales]

[Access Hollywood logo. Lights! Camera! Access!]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


February 14th, 2004

Drew Barrymore

Kelis

None Gore’s EndorsementSummary: John Kerry (Seth Meyers) has no interest in Al Gore’s (Darrell Hammond) support.

Recurring Characters: Al Gore, John Kerry.

Transcript

Montage

Drew Barrymore’s MonologueSummary: Drew Barrymore’s former freak-show movie co-stars join her on-stage.

Also Hosted: 82g, 98p, 01c.

Transcript

A Very Special Valentine’s VersaceSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) scuffles with Courtney Love (Drew Barrymore).

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Elton John, Madonna, Courtney Love.

Transcript

Jarret’s RoomSummary: Jarret (Jimmy Fallon) dreams about romance with Gobi’s (Horatio Sanz) sister (Drew Barrymore).

Recurring Characters: Jarret, Gobi, DJ Jonathon Feinstein.

Transcript

Access HollywoodSummary: Charlize Theron (Drew Barrymore) film clips display various Oscar-begging performances.

Recurring Characters: Pat O’Brien.

Transcript

OctaneSummary: The vehicular action-drama film preview displays fake special effects.

Kelis performs “Milkshake”Bio: Singer/songwriter Kelis (1980-) finally found mainstream success with the release of her current album.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Live from prison, Diana Ross (Maya Rudolph) can’t seem to adjust.

Recurring Characters: Diana Ross.

Note: The final “I” was missing from the word “Availability” on the graphic during the morning after pill joke.

Transcript

Mike’s Bar, 1968Summary: John Kerry (Seth Meyers), George W. Bush (Will Forte), Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) and Hillary Rodham (Drew Barrymore) meet at a bar in the late 60’s.

Recurring Characters: John Kerry, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Hillary Rodham.

Note: Will Forte is now the third post-Ferrell cast member to portray President George W. Bush; the second this season alone.

Transcript

Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King (Jimmy Fallon) interviews Anna Nicole Smith (Drew Barrymore) following her extreme weight loss.

Recurring Characters: Larry King, Anna Nicole Smith.

Spy GlassSummary: More celebrity gossip with Ian Gerrard (Seth Meyers) and Zoe Anderton (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Ian Gerrard, Zoe Anderton, Pat O’Brien.

The World of Scott WainioSummary: Scott Wainio takes to the streets to interview people with no microphone.

The White StripesSummary: Jack (Jimmy Fallon) and Meg White (Drew Barrymore) sing their theme song, but ultimately don’t save the day.

Transcript

Prince ShowSummary: Prince (Fred Armisen) displays his eccentricities while hosting talk show with Beyonce (Maya Rudolph).

Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Zinger vs. Slam

Head Scientist…..Chris Parnell
Dave “Zinger” Clinger…..Seth Meyers
Scientist 1…..Rachel Dratch
Debbie “Slam” Slamowski…..Megan Mullally
Scientist 2…..Fred Armisen

Head Scientist: All right everyone, let’s focus. As of early this evening, we’ve lost contact with the Mars Spirit Rover. If we don’t reestablish a connection, the rover may travel into an unchartered crater and we’ll risk losing it forever. You’re the finest minds in the field, and now that you’re assembled we need to focus everything on Mars.

Dave “Zinger” Clinger: If you want to focus on Mars, maybe you should start by taking your head out of Uranus! Ha, you just got zinged! (Pretends to shoot off pistols) Zinga!

Scientist: Everyone, this is Dr. David Clinger, he’s a research fellow at the Institute for Advanced Astrophysics in Houston.(Dave clears his throat.)He likes to be called David “Zinger.”

Zinger: On account of the zings, but please, let’s get off me…just like your sister did last night. Minizing! Mars Rover, continue.

Scientist 1: Um, when was the most recent communication?

Zinger: I actually had the most recent communication; Velma from Scooby Doo called, she wants her haircut back. Heheheh, you just got zinged! (He imitates a slot machine.)

Head Scientist: Oh great, the zing jackpot. Nice. Now remember everyone, the Rover is a very small, delicate piece of equipment prone to malfunction.

Debbie Slamowski: (Enters and walks up to the head scientist.) Small, delicate, and prone to malfunction…(She points at his crotch.) I found it! Hahaha! You got slammed! (She pretends to open a locker) Click click click, unlock, squeeak, slam! Ha!

Scientist: I’m sorry, who might you be?

Zinger: Her name is Debbie Slamowski.

Slam: My friends call me Debbie Shlam!

Scientist: And you two know each other?

Zinger: We were once engaged.

Scientist: What happened?

Slam: My eyesight came back! That’s a slam! (pretends to play basketball) She dribbles left, she dribbles right, she goes up, three-sixty el slammo! Suck it!

Zinger: Wow Debbie, you’ve still got it.

Slam: Thank you.

Zinger: And by it, I mean headlice! Zing! (Pretends to be at a carnival) Step right up, step right up, test your strength! Why don’t mind if i do! Ooh, heavy, boom, eeeep, dingdingdingdingding! Oh my God, what’d I win? A stuffed panda, zing!

Scientist: Look, we’re running out of time here…We are desperate!

Slam: Desperate? You’ve never seen Dave when the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue comes out and the all the hand lotion stores are closed. Hahaha! (She pretends to be a waitress) You wanted two eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, pancakes, whole wheat toast, coffee and juice? Well here at Denny’s we call that a Grand SLAM! Haha! Flip it!

Scientist: Doctors, please, the mars rover could be lost forever unless we find a solution in the next five minutes. So I’m going to ask that you spend no more than four of those minutes working out your differences through a series of zings and slams.

Slam: Don’t worry, if I know Dave, he’ll finish in two minutes, start crying, and then fall asleep, because he is wham, bam, thank you, slam! Haha! I bet you wish you had this back.

Zinger: No, I don’t really want that back Debbie, considering I took penicillin for three months just to get rid of it in the first place. Zinger! (Imitates carnival duck game) Chick, chick, quack, quack, quack, zing…Oh my God, what’d I win this time? Another stuffed panda! It’s for you. (He gives it to Debbie.)

Slam: Aw, just like the night we met! You know, Dave, it’s not the same since you moved out.

Zinger: Really?

Slam: Yeah, but then I throw a sack of manure on the couch, turn on Baywatch, and it’s like you never left! (She licks her finger seductively and touches him on the nose.) Slam.

Zinger: Thanks, Debbie. You know, I always forget how beautiful you are.

Slam: Really?

Zinger: Yeah, because your breath is so bad it gives me short-term memory loss! (Pretends to be a magician) Nothing up my sleeves, oh, what’s that behind your ear? Why, it’s a shiny new…zing!

Slam: I love your zingers.

Zinger: I love your slams.

Slam: Oh, will you take me back?

Zinger: Oh, of course I’ll take you back Debbie, of course I will! As long as you’re still under warranty at the SKANK FACTORY! YES, that is the king of zings! (Pretends to be a Rube Goldberg machine) Feather, feather, feather, feather, scale, lever, ka-chunk, bowlingball, bowlingball, bowlingball, bowlingball, bell, ding! Startles the chicken! BUCKAAAH! Egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, dominoes…shhhhhhhhhhh…

Scientist 1: Sir, the Mars Rover will be lost in less than a minute!

Head Scientist: Would you shut up, woman! Can’t you see the dominoes are falling?!

Zinger: Click, fan! Candle in a paper boat, candle in a paper boat, wick, fuse, bottle rocket, fssssshhhhhhhh…(He is now gesturing wildly in the air)

Scientist: Would you look at that! It spells “zing!”

Slam: You win, Dave. You always loved your zingers more than me.

Zinger: It’s who I am.

Slam: I have one last slam for you. I’m not wearing anything under this lab coat…(turns to the head scientist) Care to check, doctor?

Scientist: Oh, don’t mind if I do!

Scientist 2: Uh, what about the Rover?

Head Scientist: Uh, no longer a top priority! (Runs off after Debbie.)

Submitted by: The Carters

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Billy Smith…..Fred Armisen
Barbara Walters…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

President Bush on Friday chose seven people for a committee to investigate his administration’s intelligence failures in Iraq. When questioned whether his handpicked appointees could be impartial, President Bush responded, “I’m sure Slim, Bug Eye, Button Down, Hot Rod, Shorty, Flapjack and Kool-Aid will be completely impartial!”

One of the seven people appointed is Senator John McCain, a longtime critic of President Bush. When asked how the commission was progressing so far, McCain said, “Pretty good. In fact, we’ve already found one huge intelligence failure.” [Picture of President Bush; applause]

Defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld said Wednesday that he still believes we will find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. These statements used to make me angry, but now I just feel kinda sad for him, the way I feel when-[some laughter]-The way I feel when Linus waits for the Great Pumpkin.

Jimmy Fallon: Howard Dean, once the Democratic frontrunner, said that if he does not win the Wisconsin primary on February 17, he will drop out of the race. Dean made the announcement by telling a group of supporters, [waving his arms]“We will not go to Oklahoma, or Indiana, or Kansas, we will not go to Texas, or Kentucky, or Pennsylvania, or New York, or- aiieeee!” [applause]

Tina Fey: After a poor showing in Tuesday’s primaries, Senator Joe Lieberman ended his presidential bid Tuesday night, explaining, “Feh.”

It was a disappointing primary season for Lieberman, but on the plus side, his campaign was long, quiet, and depressing enough to qualify as a Jewish holiday. [applause]

Lieberman said he has no immediate plans for his political future, and instead he will return to his regular job playing the dad on “ALF.” [picture of Lieberman with ALF]

Jimmy Fallon: [picture of Janet Jackson after her Super Bowl performance] I’m gonna call ya Miss Jackson, ‘cause you’re nasty.

Justin Timberlake was reportedly upset with Janet Jackson over the Super Bowl halftime show incident, saying that he was told her breasts would never be in full view. But is it really so shocking that a member of the Jackson family took advantage of a naïve young boy? [applause]

Tina Fey: The Massachusetts court decision to allow gay marriages this week may prove to be a divisive issue in the upcoming presidential election. President Bush is likely torn because he has to protect what he sees is a sacred institution, and yet he knows gay marriage would boost the economy. ‘Cause you know those gay guys would go all out. We’re talking about designer wedding cakes, twenty-thousand-dollar sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked-man ice sculptures that pee Mojitos, they’d hire Patti LaBelle as the band, give out African parrots as party favors, it would be redonkulous. So remember, whatever your political beliefs, a vote to allow gay marriage is a vote for a fabulous economy! [applause]

Jimmy Fallon: I wanted to check in again with one of my favorite up-and-coming standup comedians. He’s a Native American from the Apacalo Tribe. Please welcome Billy Smith, ladies and gentlemen.

[Indian flute music plays as camera pans to Billy Smith]

[SUPER: “Billy Smith / Native American”]

Billy Smith: Thank you. Well, let me hear you make some noise! [audience cheers] Thank you. Boy, it sure is cold here in this island of square mountains and yellow horses. It is so cold, that I feel as if I have frozen off my, whacacka!

[low audience response; Billy pauses for a moment]

A, uh, whacacka is a ceremonial rattle that, uh, makes the noise of rain. Heh-heh. [low audience response] A play on words. [pause; Billy taps the microphone] Is this thing on?

Jimmy Fallon: That’s good! That’s funny.

Billy Smith: Anyway, my wife is a terrible cook. Whenever she prepares a feast, I tell her I would sooner eat, istakayamakosama!

[low audience response; Billy pauses for a moment]

Thank you. Istakayamakosama is a small red ant that stinks when squashed. [low audience response] Nothing. [pause] Nook Nook! [pause] Nook Nook!

[some members of audience shout “Who’s there?”]

Jimmy Fallon: Who- who’s there?

Billy Smith: No, no. Uh, Nook Nook is my brother’s name. I want to give him a shout out! [pause]

Tina Fey: Jimmy, what is it that you like about this guy?

Billy Smith: What is your problem, Tina Fey? Is your husband not giving you enough tosina-istataka!

[low audience response; Billy pauses for a moment]

Tina Fey: What?

Billy Smith: Tostina-istataka is a long serrated leaf which can be threaded through meat. [pause; Tina looks dumbfounded] Threaded through meat. [pause] VRROOOM! Like the hawk over her head!

Anyway, they’re giving me the ceremonial torch. That’s my time folks. Thank you very much.

Jimmy Fallon: Billy Smith, everyone!

Tina Fey: Billy Smith.

Jimmy Fallon: Fantastic, fantastic.

Tina Fey: The Native American insult comic!

The White House Tuesday defended President Bush against Democratic accusations that he was absent without leave from the Texas Air National Guard in the 1970s. A spokesman labeled the claims “shameful,” and “the worst of election year politics,” and “completely true.”

[picture of a haggard-looking James Brown around the time that he was arrested on domestic violence charges]

Jimmy Fallon: I FEEEL-not so good actually, not so good.

Monday was Groundhog Day. Janet Jackson’s breast popped out of its hole, saw its shadow, and now we’ll have six more weeks of overreaction. [applause]

Tina Fey: FOX is developing a new reality dating series called “Playing it Straight,” in which a female contestant will date 14 bachelors, some of whom are gay, and some are straight. The show was originally called “The Tina Fey College Experience.” [applause]

Jimmy Fallon: That’s pretty- that’s pretty embarrassing.

Tina Fey: Oh, really, that’s- that’s embarrassing?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.

Tina Fey: Yeah. If you think that’s embarrassing, why don’t you take a look at this videotape I found of you, two weeks ago!

Jimmy Fallon: No, you didn’t. No, please don’t-

Tina Fey: Yeah! Roll that tape, Beth!

Jimmy Fallon: Don’t show that.

Tina Fey: Yeah. Roll the tape.

[Intro to “American Idol” is played; Jimmy stands in a small room dressed as William Hung]

Jimmy Fallon: Let me just say I have no professional training in music. All right.

[Jimmy awkwardly sings and dances]

“Talk to me, tell me your name
You blow me off like it’s all the same
She bangs, she bangs, Oh baby
When she moves, she moves, I go crazy
She looks like a flower
and she stings like a bee
Like every girl in history
She bangs, she bangs!”

[Jimmy stops singing and stares ahead; “American Idol” animation plays again; applause]

Tina Fey: In an interview with “Dateline NBC,” David Gest, who claims Liza Minelli beat him, says he has received 80 shots of Botox in his head to deaden the pain. OK, so that explains him, but who’s been beating up Meg Ryan? [audience groans; Tina addresses the audience reaction] Ohhhhhhh, it’s like a roller coaster!

This week, Alex Trebek crashed his truck into a string of mailboxes and sailed over an embankment into a ditch, because he was this:

Jimmy Fallon: Uhh- [holds his pencil like a “Jeopardy!” buzzer and presses on the eraser to buzz in] Wasted off his ass? [Tina shakes her head no] Wait, wait, wait! What is wasted off his ass? [Tina nods; applause]

A troupe of breakdancers performed at the Vatican last week for Pope John Paul the Second. Or, as he now prefers to be called, Pope John Paul II: Electric Boogaloo.

Tina Fey: This week, Barbara Walters announced she’ll be leaving “20/20,” the newsmagazine she’s been hosting since 1979. Here with a comment is Barbara Walters herself. [polite applause; pan to Barbara][SUPER: “Barbara Walters / ABC News”]

Barbara Walters: Thank you, Tina. In my years at “20/20,” I’ve interviewed dozens of influential stars and politicians, and I’m known for getting into the hearts of my subjects. When I made the decision to leave “20/20,” I asked myself, if I were going to be the subject of an interview, who should interview me? Perhaps that gummy little sprite Katie Couric from “The Today Show,” or what about Diane Sawyer, that bucket of Botox over at “Good Morning America?”

And then, Tina, I realized there’s only one woman smart enough, and one woman sharp enough to go toe-to-toe with Barbara Walters.

Tina Fey: Oh, well, gosh, Barbara, I’m speechless. Thank you-

Barbara Walters: And that woman is me.

Tina Fey: Oh, OK. Well, knock yourself out then.

Barbara Walters: Cameraman, my filter.

[filter set on camera to give the scene a softer, more dramatic appearance]

Barbara, after more than two decades, you’re leaving “20/20.” Now you’ll be full time over at “The View,” listening to Joy Behar scream about menopause while you sit in one of Star Jones’ fart clouds. How does that make you feel, Barbara?

[turns head and addresses a different camera, also with filter] Not good.

[turns head back] Barbara, if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

[turns head] Hmm… I guess a bonzai. Beautiful, delicate, yet strong, pruned into perfect shape, and 400 years old.

[turns head] Tell me about your mother.

[turns head] Oh, Barbara, I- I thought I agreed I wasn’t going to ask myself this.

[turns head] Your mother, Barbara. Tell me about her.

[turns head; starts to cry] Oh, God. I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry. [cries loudly]

[Tina addresses Barbara; filters are now gone]

Tina Fey: Are- are you OK? You all right?

Barbara Walters: [suddenly composed] I’m fine.

Well, it’s been one hell of a ride. I’ve been to Nice, and the Isles of Greece, while I’ve sipped champagne on a yacht.

[begins to sing]
“I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed ’em what I’ve got
I’ve been undressed by kings and I’ve seen some things
That a woman ain’t s’posed to see
I’ve been to paradise-“

Tina Fey: [quietly] Barbara Walters everyone.

Barbara Walters: “But I’ve never been to me.”

Tina Fey: Barbara Walters. Thank you.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Musical Relatives

Vicki…Amy Poehler
Leon Warwick…Kenan Thompson
Connie Raitt…Megan Mullally
Eddie…Chris Parnell
Tray Aiken…Clay Aiken

[open on exterior of Grammy award venue]

[dissolve to velvet rope entrance.]

[Vicki, an usher, stands at the doorway]

Vicki: Please, can you have your tickets out and ready, thank you. Tickets out. Tickets out and ready. [she accepts several tickets as guests enter the building, stage right] Thank you. Tickets. [Leon approaches and tries to walk past her] Whoah, whoah, whoah, sir, excuse me sir, do you have a ticket?

Leon: Oh, I’m sorry, and what is your name?

Vicki: Vicki, and I need your ticket please.

Leon: Ah, Vicki. Thank you so much for your help. [tries to walk past Vicki]

Vicki: Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, hey, you can’t go in there without a ticket.

Leon: Unless one’s name is Leon Warwick.

Vicki: Who?

Leon: Leon Warwick. You know, War-wick. I’m on the list.

Vicki: No, there is no list.

Leon: Hey, my aunt put me on the VIP list, okay?

Vicki: Who’s your aunt?

Leon: One Miss Dionne Warwick. Grammy winner, creator of the [airquotes] Psychic Friends Network, the hostess of [does dance move] “Solid Gold.” Certainly you’ve heard of her.

Vicki: Yeah, of course I have.

Leon: Well, then, obviously you can see the resemblance. [gestures towards his own face]

Vicki: Actually, I don’t. And if I did, you’d still need a ticket. [accepts ticket from entering guest] Thank you.

Leon: Well, listen to this, and try to tell me I’m not a Warwick. [clears throat, sings] If you see me walking down the street / and I start to cry each time we meet / walk on by. / Walk on by…Walk on by, walk on by, walk on by! [shouts rather than sings as he tries to walk past Vicki, but is stopped by her]

Vicki: I’m really sorry, but you gotta have a ticket.

Leon: Okay, you know what? I think I’m beginning to see what the hangup is, all right? I’ll have my friend clear this up. [calls off-screen] Connie! Connie, over here!

Connie: [enters and poses] What is it?

Leon: This snippy little usher won’t let me into the Grammys. She says there’s no list.

Connie: [chuckles] Well, then, you can come in as my guest.

Leon: Oh, you’re the best.

Vicki: Whoah, whoah, whoah. You have to have a ticket, ma’am.

Connie: Oh, really? Why would I need a ticket to the Grammys when my name is Connie Raitt.

Vicki: Because everybody needs a ticket.

Connie: Oh, really?

Vicki: Yeah, really?

Connie: Well, let’s just check with my aunt Bonnie. As in Bonnie Raitt. Leon, let me use your mobile. [pulls a very large handset out of Leon’s shoulder bag, and the handset remains attached to the inside of the bag via a cord] Hi, Aunt Bonnie, it’s Connie. Hello? Hello? Bonnie says to let us in.

Vicki: Okay, you know what, you know what, I’m going to let security deal with you guys. Eddie!

Eddie: What’s the problem?

Leon: Hey, I’ll tell you what the problem is. As you can clearly see, I am Leon Warwick, and this is Connie Raitt, and apparently we’re not on the list.

Eddie: Okay, I don’t give a fat turd if you’re Kirsten Timberlake. There is no list; if you don’t have a ticket, you need to leave.

Connie: Oh, really?

Leon: Do you realize that you are turning away the half-nephew of a Black Achievement Awards presenter?

Eddie: I’m willing to accept that responsibility.

Connie: All right, there is no use in getting upset about it. We’re just going to have to accept the fact that no matter what we say or do, they are not going to let us into the Grammys. Let’s go. [leans in very close to Eddie and sings] Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t / You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t / Here in the dark–

Eddie: Get the hell out of here!

[Connie walks forward and poses]

Leon: You’ll be hearing from our Aunts!

[Leon and Connie exit stage left]

Eddie: Out!

Vicki: All right, tickets everybody. Bring your tickets please. Tickets. Whoah, whoah, whoah, sir, ticket please.

Tray: Oh, well, I’m Tray Aiken, Clay Aiken’s cousin-in-law.

Vicki: I’m sorry, you’re going to need a ticket.

Tray: I don’t really need a ticket, do I sweetie? [winks]

Vicki: No, you don’t need a ticket. Go ahead. That Aiken wink gets me every time!

Submitted by: Davidk93

SNL Transcripts