Announcer: The following is an address from the President of the United States.
President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. A little over six months ago.. I asked for your support, and your trust, as our nation began a great undertaking: Operation Iraqi Freedom. And tonight, I want to assure you, that despite what you may have heard, or read.. Operation Iraqi Freedom.. has been a huge success. Major combat operations have ended. [ a quick beat ] Honestly. They have. The people or Iraq are free. And, while the hunt for Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction continues.. what we have found already.. leads little doubt.. as to the threat he posed. Just this week, for example, American troops undercovered what was clearly a major chemical weapons lab. And, although they found no actual chemical weapons – as such – what they did find.. was just as good. This.. [ holds up a measuring cup ] This.. [ holds up rubber gloves ] And, the real smoking gun – This thing. [ holds up a rubber spatula ] No doubt, the weapons lab was just one of many in Iraq.. and we intend to find them all!
Now.. chemical weapons are bad enough. But as those anthrax-filled letters of two years ago made clear.. biological wepons are every bit as deadly. and two days ago, in a safehouse outside Tickery — Tickery..? — ..coalition forces. They made a chilling discovery. No, not anthrax. Something even more disturbing. These. [ holds up a stack of empty #10 envelopes ] Perhaps as many as a thousand. And that’s all. It appears that Saddam loyalists were about to raise the terror threat to a new, more ominous level. [ holds up large manila envelopes ] But we won this round.
Now.. what about Saddam’s nuclear weapons program? Here, unfortunately, there have as yet been no major discoveries. But we’re still looking. And we’re in noooo hurry. We’ve got aaaall the time in the world. And, even if the evidence is never found, does anyone doubt that, because of our actions, the Iraqi people are better off now than they were a year ago? Under Saddam, despite the country’s oil riches, Iraqis lived a life of deprevation. Today, because of us, all of that has changed. The country’s infrastructure has been completely rebuilt, with new roads, power stations, hospitals, and sports stadiums. By summer, every home in Iraq will have central air-conditioning and high-speed broadband internet access. In addition, Iraqis now enjoy free universal health care provided by the U.S., including cosmetic surgery.. and full prescription drug coverage.. and, because so many new schools have been built – again, by us – Iraq now has the world’s biggest student-teacher ratio, with only eight students per class. And every one of those students, from kindergarten to twelfth grade, has his own GP Pwer Book, courtesy of the U.S. Along with an iPod, cell phone, and $200 per week walking-around money! And.. in return for all of this, what have we asked of Iraq? Nothing. Not one red cent. Even though Iraqi leaders have offered to at least partly reimburse us with future oil revenues. But our answer to the people of Iraq remains the same: “Your money’s no good here.” We can’t accept it.. because we came to Iraq, not as conquerors.. [ whispers stealthily ] we came as liberators. And soon, perhaps in five years.. or fifteen years.. our troops will leave Iraq. And its people will form its own government through free elections. After we’ve replaced all the country’s punch-card voting machines with new, state-of-the-art touch-pad systems. Because, when the Iraqi people cast their first vote, we want every.. vote.. counted.
Naturally, rebuilding Iraq’s gonna cost.. money. A lot of money. Perhaps, as much as 1,700 million.. uh., b-billion dollars. After all, there are a lot of homes in Iraq, and flatscreen TVs aren’t cheap. But the fact is, we have no alternative. That’s why, early this week, I intend to ask Congress for an additional appropriation to finish the job, in the form of what I call.. a “blank check.” I’m not gonna tell them the amount. Because, partly.. that’s the point of a blank check. And, in all honesty.. [ chuckles ] It’d just be a guess, anyway!
Thank you. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
Announcer: And now its time for Leilani Burke:PetPsychic. With your host Leilani Burke.
(In Leilani’s set, orange is the predominant color.Set is orange, Leilani is a red head, and she’sdressed in mostly orange hippie attire. Three guestssit with Leilani)
Leilani Burke: (soft, soulful voice) Oh, thank you Glenn. Oh,hello. I’m Leilani. And we have a very special showtoday. (Soft instrumental music plays, she gets up andsings)Tiny paws and fur behinds, don’t be fooled theygot big minds, just stick around you’re right on time,for “The Leilani Burke Show”.(Applause, she sitsdown)Thank you. Aww, yeah, I thought that was prettyneat too. I hope you liked that song. I feel I shouldmention that I recorded it at my at-home studio whereI use a wonderful 3,000 cord electronic keyboard. It’sjust a hobby. That is if you consider what you wereborn to do, a hobby. Let’s say hello to our firstguests. Keanu is a beautiful cat and her owner isstay-at-home mom Leslie Collins. Hey, you two!
(Leslie is a plain looking housewife holding a brown cat)
Lesslie Collins: Hi, Leilani. Thanks for having us.
Leilani Burke: Oh, sure. So what brings you here today.
Lesslie Collins: Well, I’ve had Keanu since I was incollege, but I got married and I had some kids and acouple of years ago it just seems there’s somedistance between us.
Leilani Burke: Yeah, cat feelings are very complicated,Leslie. You may not know this but in cat’s languagethere are over 200 words for string. Come here Keanu,let’s have a talk.(Picks cat up and talks to it)Howyou doing? Nice to meet you too mister. What’s that?My song? You liked it? Well, thank you. I think itdoes show off my range. No, an 8 track. No, I only usea 4 track. Yeah, people think it sounds like an 8track but I dump it all down to the one track andbuild up on that. No, actually i don’t have arecording contract. Really? You know Phil Stiles atKingpin Records?! Well, I would love to give you ademo tape. I am really glad we had a chance to talktoo, Keanu.
Lesslie Collins: Are you saying my cat knows a record producer?
Leilani Burke: Well, not just any record producer, THE Phil Stiles.
Lesslie Collins: When would my cat have a chance to meet Phil Stiles?
Leilani Burke: You know, I think you have to pay a littlebit more attention to your cat’s schedule.
Lesslie Collins: Doesn’t he has anything to say about me?
Leilani Burke: Let me ask him. Hey, buddy. What do you thinkabout Leslie? Yeah, I know! Ha,ha,ha! It’s true! Sheis very needy. Yeah, your relationship is great.(Gives cat back to a stumped Leslie) Moving right along, what do we have over here?
(Fat, nerdy looking guy holds a yellow bird in a birdcage)
Terry Jerome: Hi. I’m Terry Jerome. And this is mybest friend Barbara.(Holds cage up)
Leilani Burke: OK. Now Terry, I understand that you co-own a pottery shop.
Terry Jerome: That’s right, Leilani. I own a great little place where people can do their own pottery. It’s called “Welcome Back, Potter”
Lesslie Collins: That’s so funny. You know, I met my husband in a pottery class.
Leilani Burke: (kind of snippy)Boy, you really do need a lot of attention, don’t you?! So Terry, what’s going on with Barbara?
Terry Jerome: Well Leilani, Barbara is is very special to me and I just wanna know if she loves me as much as I love her.
Leilani Burke: Well that’s great Terry. Why don’t I ask himmyself? (To Leslie)If that’s OK with you!(Grabsbirdcage, talks to the bird)Come on Barbara. What’sthat? Oh, you like my lyrics? Well, thanks. So many ofthem come straight from my own journals that I juststarted calling my journals my song books. Yeah, youdid? Well, I had lunch with Phil Stiles too. Really?Well, I guess he takes everyone to “The FettuchinniFactory”. Uh?, no I didn’t. I had a salad. What?Phil?! Well, I guess there was a mild flirtation.
Terry Jerome: Leilani, does my bird love me?
Leilani Burke: Well, she loves you but she’s not in love with you. (Gives birdcage back to Jerome) She hopes you understand. Well, I think that about wraps up our show.
Chrissy Morten: Hey! What about me?
Leilani Burke: Oh, my Goodness! We have another guest! Iforgot. That is the fourth show in a row that I havedone that Glenn. I’m sorry ma’am. And you are?
(Ugly looking Chrissy switches places with Leslie,sits next to Leilani, she holds a plastic fishbowlwith a turtle in it)
Chrissy Morten: Chrissy Morten and this is my turtleRupert. Leilani, we had a turtle race for charity atmy church and Rupert came in second. He’s beendepressed ever since. He’ll always be a winner to me.I just wish he felt that way about himself.
(Gives Leilani the plastic fishbowl, Leilani talks toRupert the turtle)
Leilani Burke: Yeah, let me have a talk with him. Hello,Rupert. What’s that? Yeah, I know how you feel. You’redisappointed in yourself. I know. Listen, I was reallyangry with myself when I slept with Phil Stile’sassistant. Yes, I did have some wine. Hmm? PinotGrigio. Just a glass. All right, a carafe. (gettingangry)All right, it was a box of wine!(very angry) Allright, it was a box of paint thinner and when I wokeup I could talk to animals!(gives turtle back)
Chrissy Morten: I feel uncomfortable.
Leilani Burke: That’s great!(soft, delicate)Well, that was aterrific show. I had a blast. I’m Leilani Burke andyou’ve been watching(sings)”The Leilani Burke Show”.
Pat O’Brien…..Jimmy Fallon Renee Zelwegger….Kelly Ripa Mortimer Barnswallow….Horatio Sanz
(Opens with logo of Access Hollywood, Pat stands inthe studio, TV set behind him reads Renee Zelweggergets fat)
Announcer: Lights! Camera! Access!
Pat O’Brien: (very nasal voice) Welcome back to AccessHollywood. I’m Pat O’Brien. Scientists tell me thatthe space in my nasal cavity is so dense that nothingcan escape it. Not even light. Word around town isthat Ms. Renee Zelwegger packing on the pounds for herupcoming role to the sequel to “Bridget Jone’s Diary”.She’s not kidding, it looks like Bridget is jonesingfor “dairy” products. Last week I caught up with Reneeto get to the bottom of her really big bottom.
(Show’s logo. Lights! Camera! Access! Pat sits on achair and Renee sits on a couch. She barely has hereyes open, tiny slits looking away from Pat)
Pat O’Brien: Renee good to see you. 40 pounds heavier but youwear it well. You’re looking fantastic. I’m over here.Hey! (one clap, she faces him) I’m over here!
Renee Zelwegger: Oh, thanks Pat. Yep, 40 pounds andI’m carrying about 80% of it in my cheeks and lips.
Pat O’Brien: But you didn’t do it alone. Is thatright?
Renee Zelwegger: That’s right Pat. When I learn a newaccent for a movie I work with a dialect coach. Andwhen I need to gain weight for a role I work with anobesity coach.
Pat O’Brien: Ha, ha! And not just any obesity coach.You work with the best in the biz. The legendaryMortimer Barnswallow and he’s here tonight.
(3 Beeps are heard,a motorized wheelchair slowlyappears with fat as hell Mortimer Barnswallow on it.)
Pat O’Brien: Yep, there he is. He’s here. Take yourtime Mortimer.
(Mortimer slowly walks to the couch and sits next toRenee lifting the whole side of the couch that Reneeis sitting on. Her feet don’t touch the ground.)
Pat O’Brien: Mortimer good to see you. Now we shouldlet people know as far as obesity coaches go you’re atthe top of the list.
Mortimer Barnswallow: (snotty voice)I’m the greatestobesity coach of this generation. I use Viennasausages like tic-tacs. I butter my Oreos. And Ihaven’t had a bowel movement in nearly 3 years.
(Ripa is about to crack up laughing)
Renee Zelwegger: I begged the studio to set me up withMortimer after being so impressed with his otherclients.
Mortimer Barnswallow: You’ve no doubt seen my workbefore. Kristie Alley(photo of Kristie circa CHEERS,changes to another photo of Kristie fat, eyes closed,uncombed hair)Matthew Perry hired me.(Double chinphoto of Matthew)Then he fired me(Slim photo ofMatthew)Then he hired me again(Fatty photo ofMatthew)Like the guy who plays Scotty on “StarTrek”(black and white photo of young actor, change tophoto of fatter, older, white haired Scotty)
Pat O’Brien: Wow! Unbelievable, sir!
Mortimer Barnswallow: I’ll never forget what he saidto me when I force-fed him his third helping of beefstroganoff.
Pat O’Brien: What was that?
Mortimer Barnswallow:(Scottish accent)Captain! I’m-agiving it all she’s got but my colon, she cannot takeit no more!(Ripa looks away to stifle laughter)
Pat O’Brien: Renee, you’ve got to tell me. What is itlike to be working with a living legend like MortimerBarnswallow?
Renee Zelwegger: It was fantastic! He is a legend. Didyou know that he finished Mamma Cass’s last hamsandwich?
Mortimer Barnswallow: There’s more residual nutritionin my flatulence than in most American schoolslunches.
Renee Zelwegger: That’s true.
Mortimer Barnswallow: But obesity isn’t rocket sciencePat. There is so many things people can do to becomedangerously obese. For instance, 2 Twinkies instead ofone.
(Struggles to get up off the couch, groans, gets upand the side lifting Renee up in the air crashes down.Mortimer with 2 Twinkies in his hand sits, Renee isagain suspended in the air)
Mortimer Barnswallow: Simply place 2 of the Twinkiesback to back like so. (Joins the 2 Twinkies) Andsqueeze and stuff like this.(In one swift motion hepushes the 2 Twinkies into his mouth)
Pat O’Brien: You see that?! Did you see that??!He ate2 Twinkies at once!
Renee Zelwegger: I can’t see.
Pat O’Brien: I can’t breathe.
Mortimer Barnswallow: I can’t wash myself without abroom handle and a sponge.(Ripa hides her face butshoulders bounce giving away her cracking up)Forgiveme! I’m simply parched under these studiolights.(Picks up white bottle)Ah, Alfredo sauce,anyone?(Gulps it down)
Pat O’Brien: No, thank you Mortimer. No, thank youbuddy. I’m good. Renee tough as it may have been itlooks like it had the desired effect.
Renee Zelwegger: Actually, no. I completed the entireregiment and did everything he told me and when Ishowed up for my first screen test this is what Ilooked like.(Photo of morbidly obese Renee)
Pat O’Brien: Good God! La Boo! Yikes!
Renee Zelwegger: Ha, at first they didn’t think it was me. Theytried to direct me to the set for “The Klumps Part 3”.
Pat O’Brien: Of course.
Mortimer Barnswallow: I thought she looked quitefetching.
Renee Zelwegger: But I wasn’t quite what they werelooking for Bridget Jones. So 8 months and severalhundred thousands dollars in liposuction later I wasready to begin shooting.
Pat O’Brien: Out of sight. Mortimer Barnswallow andRenee Zelwegger. We’ll be right back with more AccessHollywood right after this. Wait till you see what mygood friend Keanu Reeves is up to. (long pause)Waittill you see what happens on “Friends” thisweek.(pause) I’m Pat O’Brien.
(Walks off camera, Access Hollywood logo appears.Light!Camera!Access!)
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 29: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests:
November 1st, 2003 Kelly Ripa Outkast Chris Kattan Sleepy Brown A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Darrell Hammond) addresses the nation. Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush. Note: The search for the post-Ferrell Bush impressionist continues, as Darrell Hammond takes over the role from Chris Parnell. Transcript
MontageNote: Finesse Mitchell and Kenan Thompson do not appear in this episode.
Kelly Ripa’s MonologueSummary: Kelly Ripa takes questions from members of the audience. Recurring Characters: Ruth Weinstock, Terrell, Terrell’s Wife. Note: Jim Downey (wearing reading glasses) can be seen in the audience reading over his script before Kelly Ripa begins her monologue. Bio: Kelly Ripa (1970-) helped American television audiences forget about Kathie Lee Gifford after taking over her chair on the old “Live with Regis & Kathie Lee” morning show. Transcript
Tressant SuprêmeSummary: Kelly Ripa keeps her hair shiny with cocaine ingredients. Transcript
Live! With Regis & KellySummary: Angelina Jolie (Kelly Ripa) finds Kelly Ripa’s (Amy Poehler) childlike excitement aggravating. Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa, Gelman, Angelina Jolie. Transcript
Access HollywoodSummary: Pat O’Brien (Jimmy Fallon) interviews Renee Zellweger (Kelly Ripa) and meets her professional weight gain coach (Horatio Sanz). Recurring Characters: Pat O’Brien. Transcript
Outkast performs “Hey Ya!”Note: Because Outkast released two solo albums as a double album, André 3000 and Big Boi appear separately in tonight’s performances. André 3000 performs this song. Bio: Outkast is hip hop duo André “André 3000” Benjamin (formerly known as “Dre”) and Antwan “Big Boi” Patton, and they hail from Atlanta.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Drunk Girl (Jeff Richards) flirts with Jimmy Fallon while telling him what she did on Halloween. Jimmy Buffett (Horatio Sanz) cracks up Jimmy Fallon with his song variations. Recurring Characters: Drunk Girl. Transcript
Center For Cow Fart StudySummary: Scientist’s (Will Forte) wife (Kelly Ripa) is angered by his quest to save the ozone layer by studying cow farts. Transcript
Lelaini Burke: Pet PsychicSummary: Lelaini Burke (Maya Rudolph) seeks approval for her singing from her guests’ pets. Recurring Characters: Lelaini Burke. Transcript
Outkast performs “The Way You Move”Note: Because Outkast released two solo albums as a double album, André 3000 and Big Boi appear separately in tonight’s performances. Big Boi performs this song with Sleepy Brown.
Spy GlassSummary: Ian Gerrard (Seth Meyers) and Zoe Anderton (Amy Poehler) host this British version of “Access Hollywood.” Recurring Characters: Ian Gerrard, Zoe Anderton, Pat O’Brien. Transcript
Greenbriar County Animal Rescue ShelterSummary: A veterinarian (Chris Parnell) viciously insults the dog he’s offering for adoption. Transcript
Don Zimmer…..Horatio Sanz Bob Costas…..Darrell Hammond Pete Rose…..Jeff Richards Cindy Cooper…..Halle Berry Presenter…..Will Forte
(Opens with Don Zimmer Sports Spectacular logo. DonZimmer sits in a TV studio surrounded by Yankeesmemorabilia and the presenter dressed as an umpireremoves the catcher mitt and sings)
Presenter: THE DON ZIMMER’S SPORTS SPECTACULAR!!!
(Leaves)
Don Zimmer: Let’s play ball! I’m Don Zimmer andwelcome to my Sports Spectacular. Where I talk to thebiggest names bar none in sports. And speaking of bignames they don’t get any bigger than my old pal,PeteyRose!(In comes Pete Rose, shakes hands with Don, sitsdown)Hey!, Pete Rose! How you doing, buddy? How youdoing you old sourpuss!?
Pete Rose: Good to see you, you big melon head.
Don Zimmer: Hey, how about them Yankees! Huh? Ha,ha! They’regonna win the World Series, ain’t they?
Pete Rose: They’ll win it if you keep running out andposing pictures with that big ol’ head of yours.
Don Zimmer: Oh, come off it. I don’t want to talk about that.I’m ashamed of myself. I shouldn’t ougtha done it!Baaa!
Pete Rose: Ha! It looked like a butterball turkey goingdown.
(Don is getting angry)
Don Zimmer: I said knock it off, Pete.
Pete Rose: Have you seen the tape? It’s funny, man. It’sreally funny.
Don Zimmer: You’re getting me mad over here!
Pete Rose: I had a good ol’ laugh old buddy. I really did.
Don Zimmer: Aww! Now, you got me too mad now!(Don gets up andcharges Pete)Here I come!Aaahhh!!(Pete grabs him bythe head and slams him to the ground, baseball capflies off, Pete sits down)Oh, boy! Oh, I bumped myhead again!
Pete Rose: I’m sorry, Zim!
(Don gets up, addresses the audience at home)
Don Zimmer: Look at me, what I done again. I’m ashamed ofmyself. I’m embarrassed. I got nothing more to say onthat.(Don sits down)My next guest loves the game ofbaseball, almost as much as me. Here he is, BobCostas. (In walks Bob, shakes hands with Pete and thenwith Don, sits next to Pete)Bobby how are ya’?. Goodto see ya’.
Bob Costas: Zim, you’re resplendent as ever.
(Don is confused)
Don Zimmer: What? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Bob Costas: As per usual, the Zimmer has let the Englishlanguage utterly daze and confuse him and yet in hisprodigious infant-like head there’s a veritablebaseball encyclopedia.
Don Zimmer: Gosh!, Bob if I knew what you were saying I’dsock you in the snap box for saying something likethat!
Bob Costas: Look, all I’m saying is I have nothing but thegreatest respect for you and for what you’ve given tothe game.(Don gets angry)
Don Zimmer: Well, it’s too late now cause I’m getting steamednow!
Bob Costas: Oh, come on! I was just playfully jousting withyou.
(Don gets ready to charge again, Bob gets up)
Don Zimmer: Well, get ready to take your lumps!Aahhh!!!(Doncharges,Bob takes his head effortlessly and slams himto the floor again) Oh,no!Oh,boy!! Oh, brother!Now,I’m really embarrassed. (Don gets up talks directly atthe viewer at home watching)I embarrassed my familyagain. I embarrassed the Yankees. Oh, I’m ashamed atwhat I done. I got nothing more to say on thesubject.(Sits down)
Bob Costas: Look, maybe you ought to cut the show shorttonight, Don.
Don Zimmer: It’s OK. I’ve got a swell gal coming out here.She’s a ball girl over at Fenway Park up in Boston. Ijust want to show them I ain’t sore at the Red Sox’s.So here she is, Cindy Cooper.(In walks Cindy, sitsnext to Bob Costas)
Cindy Cooper: Thank you. I want to thank you Mr.Zimmer for showing that there are no hard feelings.
Don Zimmer: Awww, who am I kidding? I lied. I’m still prettyhot over what happened with Pedro and the rest of thelousy bums.
Pete Rose: Knock it off, Don. She’s a girl.
Cindy Cooper: I can handle myself. I’ve seen the tape. Youjust point his head away and let the momentum take himdown.
(Don is mad as hell)
Don Zimmer: Oh, nuttin doing!!I got more moves than MordecaiBrown!! Look out girly!! Here comes a whole lot of Mr.Zim!!!Aaaaaaaahhhhh!!!(Charges Cindy for one last timeand she gently takes him by the head and slams him onthe floor)Oh,no!!
Cindy Cooper: Oh, did I hurt him?
(Pete and Bob get up)
Pete Rose: Oh, he’ll be up in a minute.
Bob Costas: Boy, let’s get out of here before we have to dumphim again.(The 3 of them leaving Don on the floor)
Don Zimmer: Hey! Where are y’all going? Oh, boy! (Don getsup) Well, of course, I’m ashamed at what I done. Oh,Gosh! I’m embarrassed. I made a mess of everything.
(Fanfare music, logo and presenter appear again and hesings)
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey Billy Smith…..Fred Armisen Bart Swerski…..Horatio Sanz Bob Swerski…..George Wendt
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.
On Thursday, in California, President Bush met privately with Governor-Elect Arnold Scwarzenegger. What did the pair talk about? Neither is really sure.
According to a new study, people on a low-carb diet, like Atkins, eat more than people on a standard diet, but also lose more weight. This is thanks to the extra calories they lose during their non-stop yammering about how theyre on Atkins.
Jimmy Fallon: In California this week, grocery clerks went on strike. Which means, for the second time in less than two weeks, Gray Davis is out of a job.
Former Royal Navy Lieutenant Commander Patrick Dalzel-Job, the British war hero who was the inspiration for the character in James Bond, died this week at the age of 90. His family was shaken, not stirred.
Those who met him will never forget his trademark line: “The name’s Dalzel-Job, Former Royal Navy Lieutenant Commander Patrick Dalzel-Job.”
Tina Fey: This week, the city of Atlantic City unveiled its new slogan: “Atlantic City: Always Turned On.” It sure beats their old slogan: “Atlanti City: Las Vegas for Ugly People.”
Jimmy Fallon: This summer, I spent some time in the Southwest, and I saw this great stand-up comic, a Native American from the Apacalo Tribe. And I really want everyone to see him.. please welcome comedian Billy Smith!
[ Indian flute music ]
Billy Smith: Let me hear you make some noise! [ audience cheers ] I have noticed something: what is the deal with the food on the flying, mechanical silver bird? It tastes quite herbal, does it not? I would sooner eat Ooky Oonu! [ low audience response ] Ooky Oonu is the oil from the bone of a deer. Thank you.
It sure is a pleasure to be here in New York. Is anybody here from out of town? [ audience cheers, as Billy faces Jimmy Fallon ] How about you, where do you come from?
Jimmy Fallon: Uh.. I’m from upstate.
Billy Smith: Sorry.
Jimmy Fallon: I said.. I’m from upstate New York.
Billy Smith: I know! and I’m greatly sorry! Do you see? I am disparaging the place of your birth!
Jimmy Fallon: Ha ha, I get it!
Billy Smith: Boy.. it’s hot in here, is it not? I haven’t sweated this much since my rite of passage ceremony of One Thousand Fires! [ low response from audience ] You had to be there for that one, you see, Jimmy, uh.. it was quite hot.
Jimmy Fallon: Assuming you were there..
Billy Smith: Yes! The flames of the cleansing fire lept up from the log and made me want to cry out!
[ low response from the audience ]
I haven’t seen a crowd this silent since the Shadow Ghost of the Animal Spirit calmed the eyes of a thousand fox-es!
[ low response from the audience ]
[ taps microphone ] Is this thing on?
Jimmy Fallon: Pretty good.
Billy Smith: Thank you. Well, how about this Ben and J. Lo? She has been through so many wedding ceremonies, she must have a hard time finding the tail feathers of the eagle, which represent the spirit Communion!
Tina Fey: Jimmy, you thought this guy was fantastic?
Jimmy Fallon: [ laughing ] He’s hilarious!
Tina Fey: Oh, my goodness.
Billy Smith: [ to Jimmy ] Watch this one, okay? [ to Tina ] Hey, Tina Fey! What is your problem? I don’t go down to where you work, and knock the seatunka out of your mouth! [ silent reaction ] You see, a seatunka is a ceremonial flute made of cedar wood. But, in some tribes, it is also a term for a phallus. Thank you! Anyhoo, you’ve been a great cloud. Wehre you sleep, so sleep my ancestors! Peace out!
[ Indian flute music ]
Jimmy Fallon: Billy Smith, everybody!
Tina Fey: One of the newest trends among celebrities is to wear a simple red knotted string, which symbolizes a dedication to the Kabbalah. For those of you who dont know, Kabbalah is an ancient form of publicity invented by Madonna.
Police in Brooklyn were called after a 4-year-old boy showed up at kindergarten with a bag of marijuana in his shoe. The drugs — [ audience cheers ] Yes, marijuana! Police in Brooklyn were called after a 4-year-old boy showed up at kindergarten with a bag of marijuana in his shoe. The drugs had a reported street value of five milks and a cupcake.
Jimmy Fallon: China lainched its first manned space mission Wednesday, sending astronaut Yang Liwei into orbit. Uh, let’s take a look at the launch:
[ show video footage of Chinese acrobats throwing one of their own into the air ]
Voice: 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! Blast me into spaaaaaace!
Jimmy Fallon: Look at that! They do everything differently there!
Tina Fey: This Thursday, 48 contestants will compete in the 2003 National Monopoly Championship, which will be held onboard a moving train. They couldn’t hold it at last year’s venue, because, uh.. Steve’s mom is putting new carpet in the basement.
Tina Fey: Four members of Alpha Lambda Tau are seeking to make theirs the first gay fraternity at the University of Texas, San Antonio. Its just like every other fraternity, except with slightly more gay sex.
Jimmy Fallon: As heartbreaking as the Red Sox loss was for Boston fans, the collapse of the Chicago Cubs, after being up 3 games to 1 was uniquely devestating. Are the Cubs cursed? Here with a commentary, is Chicago Superfan Bart Swerski.
Bart Swerski: Yeah, thanks there! First of all, there ain’t no curse! One cannot be cursed when one resides in a town with Giodano’s stuffed pizza.. Stevi D’s deep-fried Caesar salad.. and, least but not least, Al’s Italian Sausauge smoothies! And.. a certain thing known as.. The Cubs!
Jimmy Fallon: Don’t you mean “Da” Cubs? Anyway.. how can you, uh.. how can you say there’s no curse? Your team was five outs away from the World Series, and then that kid interfered with the ball and the Cubs came up eight runs, and it’s over.
Bart Swerski: Let me tell you something, Jimmy.. let me tell you something about this so-called tragedy. That tagedy.. has brought the town of Chicago together.. like no other place! People of different colors and creeds.. coming together, putting differences aside. All united.. in wanting to beat the living crap outta that kid! The Cubs!
Jimmy Fallon: The Cubs. That’s horrible, man. Are you sure you’re a Superfan?
Bart Swerski: Yeah, you got that right, candy apple.
Jimmy Fallon: [ confused ] What are you talking about?
[ Bob Swerski scoots behind the Update desk ]
Bob Swerski: He’s alright. Seriously, he’s just got a bit of a speech impediment. He’s my nephew, and – sorry, I was late, pal, I was at church. I was praying for the Lord to help me find where that jerkwad ball-punher hider is hiding. And I brought you a wafer – I did, I brought you a wafer from church. Come on! These are beer-battered Communion wafers. Only at Tommy D’s Church & Grille on Morbash. Go ahead, try it – put some bleu cheese dip on there. Come on, it’s lovely, it’s a ltitle taste of heaven! And you know what – these ain’t consecrated yet, so it’s okay.
Jimmy Fallon: Oh, okay!
Bart Swerski: Deee Cuuubs!
Bob Swerski: We’re gonna get this kid some therapy. Speech therapy.[ Bart down an entire mug of beer, as Jimmy Fallon quickly follows suit. Bob is a little slower, but downs all of his as well. ]
Jimmy Fallon: Oh, so you’re at peace with this whole thing?
Bob Swerski: Don’t get me wrong – that kid’s gonna be a stain on the wall. I’ll see to that personally! But, bottom line, it’s just a game. It reminds me of something the great Coach Ditka once said.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, what is that?
Bob Swerski: “I’ll tear your face off, you gray-haired son of a bitch!”
Bart Swerski: He was a great man.
Bob Swerski: He was. And wise.
Jimmy Fallon: Ditka never said that.
Bob Swerski: [ chuckles ] You know what, Jimmy? There’s an awful lot more to life than sprts. For example, movies. Tell me, Bart.. what film won Best Picture at last year’s Oscars?
Bart Swerski: “Chicago”!
Bob Swerski: That’s right! That’s right! Greatest film of all time, my friend.
Bart Swerski: A film that kicked the fruity ass of another film.. called.. “Gangs of New York”.
Bob Swerski: That’s right.
Together: Daaaaa Oscars!
[ “All That Jazz” pots up ]
Jimmy Fallon: What’s going on? What’s going on here?
Bob Swerski: Oh, never you mind, Mr. New Yorkie.
[ Bob and Bart singing together ]
“C’mon babe Why don’t we paint the town? And all that jazz
I’m gonna rouge my knees And roll my stockings down And all that jazz
Start the car I know a whoopee spot Where the gin is cold But the piano’s hot
And all.. that.. jazz!”
Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[ scruffy-looking guy enters scene, slams a book on the bar counter, then takes a seat next to Jasmine. He opens his book and quickly flips through the pages in fan motion. ]
Speedreader: I just read fifty pages.
Jasmine: Good for you.
Speedreader: [ cocky ] Great.. for me!
Jasmine: [ not interested ] Yeah.. whatever.
Speedreader: [ leans in to sniff Jasmine’s hair ] Mmm.. you smell delicious.
Jasmine: Get lost!
Speedreader: [ more cocky ] Find me!
Jasmine: [ acknowledging an offscreen bartender ] Uh.. I’d like to close my tab please. Thank you.
Speedreader: So, uh.. have you ever been with a speedreader?
Jasmine: What?
Speedreader: I mean, have you ever.. been.. with.. a speedreader?
Jasmine: Look, I don’t know who you think you are —
Speedreader: [ with great intensity ] I’m a man who can read 100 pages in the blink of an eye! A man who can ingest the written word with the force and fury of thunder!! Now would you like to be with me.. in a sex-u-al way. [ a pause ] I’ll give you a little time to think about it, while I finish off this book about Humphrey Bogart. [ quickly flips through the pages and slams the book on the counter ] Done! So.. what’s it gonna be.. [ in Bogey fashion ] ..schweetheart?
Jasmine: Did you really just read that whole thing?
Speedreader: Frig, yeah!
Jasmine: Wow.. I mean, that’s pretty amazing. But it doesn’t change anything. I’m still gonna get my bill and go.
Speedreader: That’s what you, uh.. wanna do. Don’t mind me. [ grabs book from below counter ] I’ll just be sitting here, uh.. reading the bible.
Jasmine: Yeah, you do that.
Speedreader: Yeah, I will! [ quickly flips through the pages and slams the bible on the counter ] Done!Poooor Jesus.
Jasmine: You know what? I really didn’t come here to meet anybody tonight.
Speedreader: Hey, don’t make up your mind right away – take your time. You know.. I’ve got a big dic.. [ reaches behind counter to pull up a thicker book ] ..tionary. That I can, uh.. read while I’m waiting. [ quickly flips trough the pages and slams the dictionary on the counter ] Done! “Adjective; of or pertaining to completion!“
Jasmine: Alright. Let’s go to my place.
Speedreader: [ chuckles ] You know, if.. lovemaking has a name, it may very well be my name.
Jasmine: And your name is?
Speedreader: Gary And your name is Jasmine! I read it on your driver’s license earlier, and I read it fast!
Jasmine: [ sultry ] Enough with the talk, let’s do this thing!
Speedreader: [ inches closer to Jasmine, eye-to-eye ] Ohhh, we just did – twice! Yeah, I am that fast! And, don’t worry, it was good for me, too. Good night, my lady!
[ Speedreader makes his trimuphant exit, leaving Jasmine dumbfounded by the turn of events ]
Female Employee #1…..Halle Berry Female Employee #2…..Amy Poehler Male Employee #1…..Will Forte Male Employee #2…..Seth Meyers
[ open on Female Employee #1 talking on the phone ]
Female Employee #1: I’m sorry, honey. I just can’t get away. I know we had a big night planned – don’t you think I know that? There’s just no time. I’ll call.
Female Employee #1: [ sighs ] It’s Randy. We never have time for each other any more.
Female Employee #2: I know how that goes.
Female Employee #1: I could really use a night of intimacy. You know what I mean?
Female Employee #2: Have you ever tried these? [ pulls a bottle of pills from her pocket ]
[ music slides up ]
Female Employee #2: They’re called Quick Ones. They’re chewable! Check this out! [ swallows a couple of pills ] In just seconds, I’ll experience a natural and efficient climax. Here it goes.. oh, yeah.. yeah.. uh-huh.. um, that’s good.. okay, enjoyable, really great.. I’m about to.. oh, wow.. great.. really great. That’s all! It’s that fast! Completelty fulfilling sexual gratification in just seconds!
Female Employee #1: I’m always on the go.
Female Employee #2: Here!
Female Employee #1: [ swallows a couple of the pills ] Mmm! Minty! I like that. And I like this.. Oh yes, thank you.. that’s it, it’s working.. I like it.. building.. going good.. very enjoyable.. wonderful.. yes.. yes.. Wow!All done. That’s fantastic!
Female Employee #2: I told you! It’s called Quick Ones!
Male Employee #1: [ enters ] I couldn’t help overhearing. Who’s got the Quick Ones?
Female Employee #1: For him, too?
Female Employee #2: Yes, for him, too..
Male Employee #1: [ swallows a couple of the pills ] Hey, this is great.. it’s happening.. I like it.. I like it more.. now it’s really great.. here it goes.. whee-ee-ee! All done. [ snores ] Well, back to the ol’ grindstone!
Halle Berry: Thank you! Thank you very much! Wow! Wow, I am so excited to be here tonight – thank you! I’m so excited, but first – what about those Yankees, huh? [ audience cheers ] They’re in the World Series, wow! I love live television! I’ve only been on live television twice. One of those times, I was getting that ltitle gold guy – the Oscar. [ audience cheers ] And the other time.. I got a big, big surprise.
[ cut to Lorne Michaels speaking with Britney Spears backstage ]
Lorne Michaels: Honestly, Britney. I just think people are expecting you and Halle to kiss.
Britney Spears: I don’t.. I don’t know, Lorne. I already did that Madonna thing at the VMAs – it’s, like, already done, you know?
Lorne Michaels: That was cable. I don’t think that many people watch MTV.
Britney Spears: I’m pretty sure they do.
Lorne Michaels: Actually, it’s not so much the Madonna thing – it’s mroe about the Oscars. Remember when Adrian Brody kissed Halle? If you did that, it would be hilarious!
Britney Spears: Noooo, no.. I don’t think so..
Lorne Michaels: Look, I understand if you’re not attracted to her.
Britney Spears: No, oh my God, I am! I’m not saying that at all, I just —
[ Jimmy Fallon passes through the hall ]
Lorne Michaels: Jimmy? Let me get your opinion on this. Do you think Britney and Halle —
Jimmy Fallon: [ without hesitating ] Yes! Definitely.
Britney Spears: No. I know people would like to see it —
[ Tina Fey passes down the hall ] Lorne Michaels: Tina, Tina! Do you think, uh.. Britney and Halle should kiss?
Tina Fey: What, like in the monologue?
Lorne Michaels: The monologue, or later in the show.. it doesn’t even have to be on camera.
Tina Fey: I don’t know. I think people saw the Madonna thing.. and it’s played out.
[ Lorne punches Tina in the face ]
Lorne Michaels: Tina’s not a typical female viewer..
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Lorne Michaels: Listen.. Halle’s really into this..
[ suddenly, Halle Berry walks up ]
Halle Berry: Okay, look, look.. I know I’m new to this thing, but.. when the host is out there on the stage in front of the audience, shouldn’t the camera be on her?
Lorne Michaels: ..Most of the time. It’s not a hard, fast rule. You kow Britney?
[ Halle and Britney greet one another ]
Lorne Michaels: I was just explaining to Britney —
Halle Berry: Oh, no.. He’s not trying to get you to do the kiss thing, is he?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.
Halle Berry: [ sighs ] Lorne, I told you all week long – I’m not gonna do it!
Lorne Michaels: If you won’t do it for me.. do it for those poor Cubs fans.
Together: Nooooooooo!!
Lorne Michaels: Red Sox fans?
Together: Nooooooooo!!
Lorne Michaels: I wouldn’t do this.. but I am ready to write a check to your favorite charity, for $100 each!
Jimmy Fallon: Wow. Pretty good.
Together: NO!!
Lorne Michaels: Alright, alright.. I hear you. How about this – why don’t you take Britney up on the stage.. see how it feels.. see what happesn.
Halle Berry: Okay, fine. Come on, Britney..
Britney Spears: Let’s go..
[ Halle and Britney exit back to Home Base ]
Jimmy Fallon: [ excited ] I think they’re gonna do it! I can’t believe you talked them into it!
Lorne Michaels: Yeah, they will, but I’ll tell you, Jimmy – sometimes.. I hate this job.
Jimmy Fallon: [ a beat ] Wanna watch it in my dressing room?
Lorne Michaels: Sure.
[ Lorne and Jimmy exit the scene ]
[ cut back to Home Base ]
Halle Berry: Okay. Here’s the thing: it’s not that we mind kissing..
Britney Spears: No, no.. not at all!
Halle Berry: But.. you know if we do, you know what the cover of US Weekly would look like, don’t you?
[ they move their lips in close for a near-kiss, as cameras flash ]
Britney Spears: Yeah! You know, and.. like, let’s not do that. Maybe I’ll do it in my first song, or something like that.. like, another song.
Halle Berry: Yeah, maybe if, like, you guys want it bad enough.
[ audience cheers ]
Halle Berry: Hey, listen – we have a greet show for you tonight.
Britney Spears: I’m here!
Halle Berry: So stick around. We’ll be right back!
Lawyer: Kobe.. Vanessa.. Thank you for agreeing to another press conference. [ sighs ] I know this is hard for you, but.. the more you appear in public together, the better it is for Kobe’s trial.
Kobe Bryant: [ holding hands with his wife ] Let’s just get this over with. I don’t want to put my wife through any more pain than I already have.
Vanessa Bryant: Thank you, honey.
Lawyer: Well, we’re almost ready out there.. so I’ll give you guys a minute to collect your thoughts.
Kobe Bryant: Thank you, Paul.. thank you. Thank you, because we couldn’t do this without you..
[ Lawyer exits room ]
Vanessa Bryant: [ wrings her hands free from Kobe’s ] You better get your damn hand off me before I break it off like a chopstick!
Kobe Bryant: Baby, please..
Vanessa Bryant: Don’t you “Baby” me! If you want to address me, you’d better call me by my name: Mrs. Kobe Bryant!! So I know you’re talking to me, and not some concierge or some chambermaid, or some ho you met selling Mets jerseys outside the Meadowlands!
Kobe Bryant: Vanessa! I never talk to other girls. Just this one time —
Vanessa Bryant: Ohhh, just this one time.. when I talked to this girl for five minutes, and then I tripped and my chocolate fell into her peanut butter! Right?! I oughta break that thing off, and take it home with me!
[ Lawyer re-enters room, as the Bryants return to their fake romantic pose ]
Lawyer: Kobe, Vanessa.. it’s just gonna be a couple more minutes, because they’re fussing with the lighting.
Vanessa Bryant: Okay.
Kobe Bryant: Thank you, Paul.. thank you. I just want people to know I love my wife.. and she’s gonna stand by my side.
Vanessa Bryant: I appreciate what you’re doing for our family..
[ Lawyer exits room ]
Vanessa Bryant: [ slaps Kobe across the face ] ..’Cause we are a family! I made a damn baby for you, and if you think you’re ever cheating on me again, you out of your damn mind!!
Kobe Bryant: Vanessa.. if I could just turn back the hands of time —
Vanessa Bryant: Honey! Look at me. Look.. at.. me! Look at meeee! Do you know.. do you know how good this is, baby? Do you know how many men dream of getting some of this? I could have married anybody, honey! Allen Iverson.. Vlade Devak.. L’il Bow Wow. Honey, look! You remember this? You remember this, baby? Well, you will never.. ever.. see this again! Ne-he-ver!!
[ Lawyer re-enters; the Bryants recompose themselves ]
Lawyer: Hey.. um.. I hate to tell you this, but.. the questions may be a little graphic out there. Um.. how can I say this delicately..? Kobe.. they may accuse you of a “back court violation”.. So, I just wanted to warn you both, alright?
Vanessa Bryant: I’m not worried, Paul.. I love this man.. [ sentimental ]
[ Lawter exits room ]
Kobe Bryant: Ow! Ow!
Vanessa Bryant: I want another ring for that! Pig!
Kobe Bryant: Maybe we should just get a divorce.
Vanessa Bryant: Oh! Or maybe we should just stay married for the rest of your natural life!!
[ Vanessa smashes a glass over Kobe’s head ]
Kobe Bryant: I hate that!
Vanessa Bryant: You know what I hate? Going to my husband’s rape trial!
[ Lawyer re-enters ]
Lawyer: You guys, they’re letting the press in now, so it’ll just be another minute.
Vanessa Bryant: Okay.
[ Lawyer exits room ]
Vanessa Bryant: Do you know how the rest of your life is gonna be?
Kobe Bryant: Yes.
Vanessa Bryant: How’s it gonna be?
Kobe Bryant: Strict.
Vanessa Bryant: What’cha gonna do?
Kobe Bryant: Play basketball.
Vanessa Bryant: Mmm-hmm. And after you play basketball?
Kobe Bryant: Come home —
Vanessa Bryant: Come home with what?
Kobe Bryant: A diamond —
Vanessa Bryant: A diamond and what?
Kobe Bryant: A diamond and a dry dong..
Vanessa Bryant: That’s right, baby! And what am I?
Kobe Bryant: You’re the air I breathe.
Vanessa Bryant: And?
Kobe Bryant: And.. the strongest woman I’ve ever met.
Vanessa Bryant: And?
Kobe Bryant: Oh.. and I got you another one of these [ pulls a bracelet out of his pocket ]
Vanessa Bryant: Let’s go – put it on. [ Kobe wraps the bracelet around Vanessa’s wrist ] And what else.
Kobe Bryant: [ thinking ] Oh. And “Live, from –“
Vanessa Bryant: Oh, hell no! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Air Date:
