Month: October 2018

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 8

96h: Martin Short / No Doubt

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
Jerry Lewis…..Martin Short

Alex Trebek: Welcome to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. We’ve got three wonderful celebrities playing fro charity. Let’s meet them. Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: Hello, Alex!

Alex Trebek: Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: How ya doing?

Alex Trebek: And finally, comedy legend, Jerry Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: May I tell you what a joy and a thrill and all it is to be here? It’s super-duper! [ laughs ]

Alex Trebek: Good luck to all three of you.

Jerry Lewis: Yeah, we’re gonna need it! [ laughs ]

Alex Trebek: What do you say we take a look at our board? The categories are: “Celebrities”, “Potpourri”, “Popular Music”, “Movies”, “”potent Potables”, “U.S. History”, and “‘S’ Words”, which are words that begin with the letter “S”. Mr. Connery, it’s your turn.

Sean Connery: [ thinking ] Ah.. I’ll take “Movies” for $400.

Alex Trebek: “John Travolta learned how to dance for this 1977 hit movie”. [ Sean Connery buzzes in ] Mr. Connery?

Sean Connery: That would be “Jaws”.

Alex Trebek: No. “Jaws” is incorrect. And please anwer in the form of a question. [ Burt Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: What is “Jaws”?

Alex Trebek: No. That was already guessed. [ Jerry Lewis buzzes in ] Mr. Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: If I remember correctly, Alex, that would be “Dancing For.. LADIES!!” I had to go for it!

Alex Trebek: No! That was incorrect, also.. what is “Saturday Night Fever”. Heads up, players. Sean Connery, it’s still your board.

Sean Connery: Uh.. I’ll take “Swords” for $400.

Alex Trebek: It’s actually not “Swords”.. these are words that begin with “S”. The answer is: “Popeye is this sort of man”. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: What is.. Popeye?

Alex Trebek: [ sighs ] No. [ Connery buzzes in ] Sean Connery. And, remember, these are words that begin with the letter “S”, i>not “Swords”.

Sean Connery: [ bangs podium, thinking ] Saber!

Alex Trebek: No.

Sean Connery: It began with a bloody “S”!

[ Lewis buzzes in, laughing ]

Alex Trebek: Mr. Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: I got the answer, Alex. You want the answer, it’s simple. They’re terrified of a perfectionist. “They” being the people who are running the studios this week.. [ time runs out ]

Alex Trebek: [ sighs again ] I’m sorry, Mr. Lewis. Time’s up. “What is Sailor?” was the correct response. Tough start for everyone. All three celebrities are $800 down.

Sean Connery: [ angry ] The hell if I’m gonna pay you a bloody $800!

Alex Trebek: Please, be assured, Mr. Connery. This is for charity, it’s not your own money. And it is still your board.

Sean Connery: Alright, I’ll take “Movies” for $200.

Alex Trebek: “This racing movie with Dom DeLuise told us that yes cannonballs can run.” [ no one buzzes in ] “Cannonballs can run.” Burt, you might want to guess this. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Oh, I don’t know.. Shaekespeare!

Alex Trebek: [ flabbergasted ] No. [ Connery buzzes in ] Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: I’ll not pay this fine, you curd, it’s unjust!

Alex Trebek: You don’t have to pay the.. [ Lewis buzzes in ] Jerry Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: Cannonballin’ Mamim’..

Alex Trebek: Wait, wait, wait.. it sounds like youmight have the right answer! Ddi you say “Cannon”?

Jerry Lewis: Cannon..

Alex Trebek: Now, say “ball”!

Jerry Lewis: Ball..

Alex Trebek: Put them together..

Jerry Lewis: Cannonballin’ Mamin’ aigh-yea! [ smiles ]

Alex Trebek: [ shakes head ] Okay, let’s just move on. Burt, can you please pick a category?

Sean Connery: [ whispering ] Pick “Swords”.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, sure, give me “Swords”.

Alex Trebek: [ annoyed ] It’s “‘S’ Words”! “‘S’ Words”! And, for how much, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: Aw, hell, let’s go nuts, “Swords” for $48,000!

Alex Trebek: We’re not doing “Swords”! You know what, why don’t we just move on to Final Jeopardy? The category is “Bodies of Water”. “This body of water gave Salt Lake City it’s name.” [ Final Jeopardy music plays, answers are written ] And, time is up. “This body of water gave Salt Lake City it’s name.” Sean Connery, you wrote.. [ screen reads “Swords” ] ..”Swords”. And you wagered.. [ screen shows lines ] ..what appears to be a Roman Numeral Seven.

Sean Connery: That’s an “M”!

Alex Trebek: That is is, Sir. Burt Reynolds, you put down.. [ screen reads “Alex Trebek” ] ..my name, that’s nice. And you wagered.. [ screen reads “Is a Fu..” ] ..”Is A..” ..okay, obviously that’s some sort of swear word. [ Reynolds smiles ] Jerry Lewis.. [ he’s missing from his podium ] ..has wandered off somewhere. Let’s see if he had anything. [ screen shows half-of-hand drawing ] Apparently his answer was an outline of half of his hand. And, he wagered.. [ screen shows rest of hand ] ..the other half of his hand. That’s beautiful. Well, I’d like to thank all of our celebrities for joining us this evening..

Jerry Lewis: [ runs in with glass of water ] I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I was in the little boy’s room! [ spills water on Alex ] Oh, boy, I didn’t mean to do that..

Alex Trebek: ..celebrities for joining us. Unfortunately, because of your scores, money will be taken away from charities.. [ Jerry sticks glass in his mouth and shows Alex ] That’s very funny, Jerry.. Join us tomorrow when we return for more Jeopardy.. [ looking at Lewis acting like a monkey with the glass in his mouth ] I have no idea..

[ Lewis runs into the audience to reach the cameraman ]

Jerry Lewis: Hey, come back! Come over, here, lady! I want to talk to you, Mr. Cameraman! Come to me..

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 8

96h: Martin Short / No Doubt

The Terry Gantner Family Workout

Terry Gantner…..Will Ferrell
Kathy Gantner…..Molly Shannon
Julian Gantner…..Chris Kattan

Terry Gantner: Hey, folks! It’s time to burn some fat, and have son fun – the Terry Gantner way!

Announcer: From Mesa, Arizona, it’s “The Terry Gantner Family Workout”. And now, here’s Terry Gantner.

Terry Gantner: Good morning, and welcome! I hope you folks are ready, because today we’re gonna work on increasing our upper body strength! And how ae we gonna do that? With a combination of aerobics and ka-ra-te! As usual, I’m joined by my lovely wife Kathy, and my son Julian. How you guys doing?

Kathy Gantner: Great!

Julian Gantner: Great!

Terry Gantner: That’s all I need to hear! What do you say we get started – the Terry Gantner way! [ the three of them start to march in place ] Let’s begin with a simple march, just to get the blood going. How we doing, guys?

Julian Gantner: Great, Dad!

Kathy Gantner: Great, honey!

Terry Gantner: Good! Now that we’re warmed up, let’s throw in some cross punches. [ they cross punch ] This is Kathy’s favorite – right, honey?

Kathy Gantner: I love this one!

Terry Gantner: Grab the Lotus. Grab the Lotus. Grab the Lotus. Grab the Lotus. And return to ready position. Always return to ready position! Okay, what do you say we move it up a little bit, and focus all our concentration right up here. [ points to his head, as Julian holds a wooden board in front if him ] Here we go. Tame the tiger.. Tame the tiger.. Tame the tiger.. Tame the tiger.. Tame the tiger.. [ punches board, breaking Terry’s hand instead of the board ] Oh, God! Oh.. God! Oh, sweet God! Sweet bastard! Oh, my God! What kind of wood was that!!

Julian Gantner: Dad, are you all right?

Terry Gantner: What kind of wood was that! What kind of wood was that!! Sweet God! Oh, my God, I have really hurt myself! Oh, my God!

Kathy Gantner: [ grabs his hand ] Let me look at it..

Terry Gantner: [ pulls away ] Get off me!!

Kathy Gantner: I’m sorry!

Terry Gantner: I have hurt my hand!! Oh, lease call a doctor, I have definitely shattered my hand!! Oh, my God, what kind of wood was that!! Oh, my Go-o-od!

Announcer: This has been “The Terry Gantner Family Workout”.

Terry Gantner: It felt like cement!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 8


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 7th, 1996

Martin Short

No Doubt

None

Lorne Michaels

Chevy Chase
O.J. Simpson Child Custody HearingSummary: O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) gives the runaround at his child custody hearing.

Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson.

Montage

Martin Short’s MonologueSummary: After contemplating what he wants his monologue to be about, Martin Short sings about “SNL”‘s peak-and-valley history.

First Hosted: 86f.

Celebrity Jeopardy!Summary: Dumb celebrities Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond), Jerry Lewis (Martin Short), and Burt Reynolds (Norm MacDonald) aggravate intellectual host Alex Trebek (Will Ferrell).

Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery, Burt Reynolds, Jerry Lewis.

Transcript

Martha Stewart’s Topless Christmas SpecialSummary: The holiday special that centers around a half-naked Martha Stewart (Ana Gasteyer).

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Transcript

Ed Grimley in HeavenSummary: Merriwether (Chevy Chase), the gatekeeper of Heaven, sends Ed Grimley (Short) is sent back from the dead to get a life.

Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.

Roxbury GuysSummary: Roxbury Guys (Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan) go club-hopping with foreignor Jaleel (Martin Short).

Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Lenny the Lion (Colin Quinn) comments on the health care system.

Recurring Characters: Lenny The Lion.

Transcript

No Doubt performs “Don’t Speak”Also Performed: 01i.

The Barbara Walters SpecialSummary: Jackie Rogers, Jr. (Martin Short) recalls embarrassing moments during an interview with Barbara Walters (Cheri Oteri).

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Jackie Rogers, Jr.

Larry Azaria’s Mostly Used Mattresses

The Terry Gantner Family WorkoutSummary: Karate expert Terry Gantner (Will Ferrell) breaks his hand while demonstrating a simple chop move, then screams his agony.

Transcript

The Tinseltown TattlerSummary: Pinky Nye (Martin Short) and Rhona Patton (Molly Shannon) gossip.

No Doubt performs “Excuse Me Mr.”

Happy Holiday TalesSummary: Mickey the Dyke (Cheri Oteri) tells her family that she’s a lesbian.

Recurring Characters: Mickey The Dyke.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7

96g: Phil Hartman / Bush

Soldiers not Coming Back

Captain … Phil Hartman
1st Corporal … Jim Breuer
Private Thompson … Tracy Morgan
Corporal Connors … Colin Quinn
Sergeant … Darrell Hammond
Bloomfield … Tim Meadows
2nd Corporal … Mark McKinney
3rd Corporal … Chris Kattan
Miller … Norm Macdonald
Private Sullivan … Will Ferrell

[Snare drum – military music. Stock footage oftransport arriving at makeshift army base on tropicalisland. SUPER: SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC / 1942 -Dissolve to a Captain, with pointer and map,explaining plans to a group of uniformedservicemen.]

Captain: Okay, this is our objective, men. Bydestroying this bridge, we cut off their mainsupplies. Any questions?

1st Corporal: Yes. Sir, when does therendezvous start?

Captain: Oh-one-hundred. Don’t be late,Corporal. Okay, men, now look, this isn’t gonna be aSunday picnic. Gonna give it to ya straight. Some ofyou won’t be coming back. Like, for example, you,Private Thompson. You won’t be coming back.

Private Thompson: [confused] Uh, sir?

Captain: You won’t be coming back.

Private Thompson: Uh, why not, sir?

Captain: [chuckles] Why not, Private? Well, Ithink perhaps being mowed down by enemy crossfiremight have something to do with it. Just like, uh,Corporal Connors over here. He won’t be comingback.

Corporal Connors: Sir?

Captain: You won’t be coming back.

Corporal Connors: I’m gonna die, sir?

Captain: I just got done saying that, Corporal.Don’t make me repeat myself, please.

Sergeant: Sir?

Captain: Yes, Sergeant?

Sergeant: Uh, am I hearing this right, sir? Youknow who’s gonna die?

Captain: Well, yes. When you’ve been soldieringas long as I have, then you can predict thesethings.

Sergeant: Ever had a wrong prediction,sir?

Captain: No.

Sergeant: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: No. You won’t be coming back.

1st Man: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: No.

2nd Man: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: Nope.

3rd Man: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: [high pitched, as if it were obvious]No-o-o.

Rogers: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: What? I can’t see. Is that you,Rogers?

Rogers: Yes, sir.

Captain: No.

Bloomfield: Uh, what about me, Captain?

Captain: Well, you’re gonna be fine, Stokowski,uh, A-OK, don’t worry about it.

Bloomfield: Uh, I’m Bloomfield, sir.

Captain: Oh! Bloomfield! You won’t be comingback. Sorry.

2nd Corporal: Uh, wh-wh-what about me,sir?

Captain: Well, Corporal, I’m afraid I’ve gotsome bad news for you.

2nd Corporal: Bad – bad news, sir?

Captain: Yes, you’re being demoted toprivate.

2nd Corporal: [relieved] I am? Is thatall?

Captain: No. You won’t be coming back.

3rd Corporal: Sir, my question is not about me.This is not a question about me. This is an unrelatedquestion.

Captain: Fine. But before you ask it, let mejust say, you won’t be coming back.

3rd Corporal: Oh, come on!

Captain: Yes, you’ll be killed by friendlyfire. Thompson there is gonna shoot you.

Private Thompson: [puts a hand on 3rdCorporal’s shoulder] Sorry, man.

3rd Corporal: Well, I – I won’t let it happen!I’ll make sure I never go near Thompson in thebattle!

Captain: [amused] Yeah, okay, whatever. [to asoldier with a raised hand] Yeah, Private Mitchelson,good to hear from you.

Miller: Uh, Miller, sir.

Captain: Oh, Miller, right. You won’t be comingback.

Miller: [unconcerned] Yeah, yeah, I know, sir.I kind of got that feeling. Listen, uh … what I waswondering was, uh, I thought maybe it’d be faster ifyou told us who’s not gonna die.

Captain: Who’s not gonna die?

Miller: Yeah.

Captain: [thinking] Uh, well, I’m notgonna die, uh, and– Sullivan! You’re not gonnadie.

Private Sullivan: I’m not, sir?

Captain: No. No.

Private Sullivan: [relieved] Oh, thankGod!

Captain: But you are gonna be capturedby enemy troops and you’re gonna be torturedrepeatedly for sport. Many, many, many years — longafter the war is over. In fact, among the nativesyou’ll be known as “Dubonka” or “He Who Begs for theDeath That Will Not Come.”

Private Sullivan: “Dubonka,” sir?

Captain: Dubonka, yes.

Private Sullivan: I, uh, I – I – I don’t wannabe Dubonka, sir.

Captain: [amused] Look, Private, I don’t wantto be allergic to wheat but I have no choice. I’ve hadto live with that. [to Bloomfield] Yes, what is it,Bloomfield?

Bloomfield: Uh, sir, wouldn’t it be easier tobomb this bridge from the air?

Captain: [quickly] Probably. Okay, let’sreview! [turns to the map, uses pointer] … We slipin here, oh-one-hundred. Oh-three-hundred, we take thebridge. Oh-four-hundred, Sullivan becomes Dubonka. Anyquestions? Dubonka, questions?

Private Sullivan: Uh, no. No, sir.

Captain: Okay, men, I’ll see you back here atoh-one-hundred in full combat gear, okay? Okay. Fallout. [The men begin to disperse but the Captain pointsto the 1st Corporal] Ah, not you, Corporal. [The restof the men exit. The Captain puts a hand on thecorporal’s shoulder] Listen, Corporal, I’m afraid Ihave some horrible news for you.

1st Corporal: Horrible news, sir?

Captain: Yeah, let’s take a walk, son. [Theystart to walk off – military music pots up] Have youever heard of the term “Wakatinku”?

1st Corporal: “Wakatinku,” sir?

[They exit. Applause. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7

96g: Phil Hartman / Bush

The Joe Pesci Show

Joe Pesci….Jim Breuer
Frank Sinatra….Phil Hartman
Michael Jackson….Tim Meadows
Debbie….Molly Shannon
Tough guy….Colin Quinn

(Opens with an Italian tarantella playing)

Announcer: Welcome to the Joe Pesci Show. Here he is now, my brother, Joe Pesci.

[cut to Joe Pesci on the set of his talk show]

Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh. Hey, everyone! How are you? I´m Joe Pesci! Nice, huh? I´m all ready for Thanksgiving here. (turkey on the table, pumpkin pie) I got my turkey here, I got a little pumpkin pie here. I got my carving knife! (pulls out a monster knife) Hey, I got everything! Its The Joe Pesci Show! All right. Tonight I have a very special guest, ladies and gentlemen, straight outta the hospital, he´s feisty as ever. Please welcome, chairman of the board, Mr.Frank Sinatra´s here!

(Frank Sinatra wearing a bathrobe comes out smoking a cigarette and a drink on his other hand. An I.V. sticks out his arm and a beautiful nurse is behind him. Frank gets the I.V. off and sits down)

Frank Sinatra: That enough baby. My tank is full.(Nurse tries to put I.V. back in) Hey, sweetheart. Since when do you stick me? Take that contraption to the van and hold tight.

Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh. Oh, Frankie, how are you? Let me tell you something, folks. It is truly an honor to have you sit here…

Frank Sinatra: My time on earth is short, half-pint. I get the point. You bought my records, you love my movies, your favorite aunt used to lock herself in the bathroom with a picture of me and a jar of olive oil. You´re a fan! Next question.

Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh. This guy, 80 years old. Still breaking my cojones over here.

Frank Sinatra: Don´t try to suck up to me by speaking the mother tongue. Last time I heard Sicilian I had to give Sam Giancana $200,000 of my Vegas money.

Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh. That´s really funny. Frank´s totally…

Frank Sinatra: Well, laugh it up, Mighty Mouse. This show´s worse than the one Dick Cavett had back when he wanted to kill himself. Man, that thing blew!

Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh…

Frank Sinatra: Look at this jackass! He´s still yakking it up! You know, whose shoes did you had to shine to get this gig, Joey?

(Joe with a cigar on his mouth is angry but checks his anger)

Joe Pesci: You know, I´m gonna let that one slide because Mr. Sinatra here, hey, is a made man. And I don´t wanna end up buried in the end zone at Giant Stadium. You know what I´m saying?

Frank Sinatra: That´s right, you guinea Paul Williams. Hey, you folks know that? Joe Pesci big shot movie star used to be a shoeshine boy. Hey Joe, where´s your shoeshine box?

(Joe is fuming but lets it slide)

Joe Pesci: Let´s bring out our first guest, hey? Well, you´ve seen him a lot in the news lately. Please welcome, Mr. And Mrs. Michael Jackson. Bring ´em out here.

(Michael Jackson comes out with a veil covering his face, his pregnant “wife” comes behind him. He offers his hand to Frank to shake, Frank ignores him, Michael shakes hands with Joe. Michael and Debbie sit down)

Michael Jackson: (wimpy voice) Thank you. Hello, Joe. Hello, Frank.

Joe Pesci: So tell us, what´s going on? Is it really a bambino in there or what?

Frank Sinatra: Yeah, come on, sugarplum. Is this your handiwork or did you bring an independent contractor to finish the job?!

Michael Jackson: I don´t know why people just can´t accept the fact that I´m a heterosexual.

Joe Pesci: Oh, I don´t know, maybe cause they got eyes? You tell me…

Frank Sinatra: Maybe its because you keep turning boy scouts into millionaires!

Debbie: That´s unfair, Mr.Sinatra. That´s unfair.

Frank Sinatra: You know, I´d keep my trap shut if I were you, hot lips. You look awful familiar. I think I gave you a practice insemination in my dressing room at the Irvine Meadows back in 89!

Michael Jackson: You know Frank, you shouldn´t talk to Debbie like that. I love her, she´s my wife and she´s gonna be the mother of my child.

Joe Pesci: There´s only one way to settle this, Mike. What do you say? Lets see your sausage! What do you say?

Michael Jackson: What?

Frank Sinatra: He´s right, kid. You want to prove you´re innocent? Pull out that splotchy trouser mouse and let us check it for kiddie prints.

Michael Jackson: You have no right to say such horrible things. You greaseballs.

(Frank and Joe make “Oh” faces)

Joe Pesci: Oh, Mikey, Mikey…sound like you´re trying to be a tough guy in front of Dirty Diana over here.

Frank Sinatra: I think somebody´s gonna wake up tomorrow next to a chimp´s head.

(Joe gets behind Michael with a huge bat)

Joe Pesci: That is if he ever gets to wake up tomorrow.

(Joe whacks Michael in the neck. Michael falls on the floor. Debbie is alarmed. Frank gets up.)

Frank Sinatra: (mock singing) Don´t stop till he gets enough…

Joe Pesci: Its as easy as a, b, c. One! (whacks Mike) two!(whacks) three!(whacks)

Frank Sinatra: Get him now, shineboy!

Joe Pesci: I´ll give you shineboy! (Kicks Mike two more times) Shineboy! (Michael gets up and runs out) That’s it, that´s right. Go back to Neverneverland.

Debbie: Call me, Frank. (leaves)

Frank Sinatra: (scoffs) In your dreams. (sits) I´ll tell you Joe, that guy wouldn´t have lasted 2 minutes back in the 50´s. We would´ve pushed him off the roof of the Riviera, right?(grabs Joe´s arm)

Joe Pesci: Hey, watch the suit. Come on.

Frank Sinatra: What do you mean? Watch the suit? You know, I remember when you were a snot nose kid with a shinebox! I tell you folks, this kid used to make your shoes look like freaking mirrors! Salud, Joe.

Joe Pesci: No more shines, Frank. I don´t know if they ever told you up in Palm Springs but I don´t shine shoes no more. You know what I´m saying? Got a show and everything here.

Frank Sinatra: Joey, I´m just busting your horns a little bit. I haven´t seen you in a few years and I´m just joking around. Look, I´m sorry.

Joe Pesci: Look, I´m sorry too, Frank. Huh? I´m sorry.

Frank Sinatra: Now go get your shinebox!

Joe Pesci: You know what?! That is it!(gets up mad as hell) I don´t care who you are! You want a piece of me?!(grabs handfuls of turkey, throws it) You want a piece of me?! Come on, Frank! I take you—(Joe tries to get to a calm Frank jumping over his desk but two thugs grab him) Jesus, wait! Hey, Oh! Ow! (The two guys beat the hell out of Joe Pesci)

Frank Sinatra: All right, all right. That´s enough, show´s over! (spills his drink into the camera lens) Come on, turn it off! Hey, fellas! (two tough guys start punching the camera lens and break it) You! Get me another highball! I got a pinched nerve.

( Joe Pesci Show logo. Pesci is punch drunk over the couch)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7

96g: Phil Hartman / Bush

Phil Hartman’s Monologue

… Phil Hartman

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, PhilHartman!

Phil Hartman: [reserved, genial, and lookingsharp in an expensive suit] Thanks a lot. Thanks alot. You’re very kind. [character voice] “I just flewin from Hollywood and, boy, is my full o’ craptired!” …

[normal voice] You know, uh, it is a pleasureto be back hosting Saturday Night Live, uh, I’ve beenso busy lately doin’ movies, talk shows, commercials.Hey, I’m not greedy. I’m just tryin’ to make ends meetlike you folks and just tryin’ to put bread on thetable, provide for my family.

I mean, your kids grow up so fast. I rememberthe day my son was born. I was doing an Arby’scommercial … and I got a message on the set thateverything went just fine but the second thatcommercial wrapped, I jumped a plane, flew backeast — to do another commercial for Hager slacks. …Yeah, I missed an important occasion but, with themoney I made from those two commercials, I was able tobuy my infant son a pair of colored contactlenses … and, now, he’s got beautiful greeneyes, just like the old man. Because it’s all aboutfamily. …

That’s why I did a Lorenzo Lamas movie for threemonths … so I could buy my daughter a panda bear –so that she could win Show-and-Tell. … Turns out youdon’t really win Show-and-Tell. … Bear diedafter a couple of weeks. Apparently, they only eatbamboo shoots. How was I supposed to know that?…

Oh, boy, but I’ll tell ya, I’m a lucky man, uh, butI’d be nothing without my lovely wife, Brynn. Ouranniversary’s comin’ up and I want to buy her adiamond necklace, just to show her what’s important tome: family, friends, good times–

[Cut to photo of Michelob bottle and glass of beer.SUPER: Family. Friends. Good Times.]

Announcer V/O: Michelob!

[Cut back to Phil at Home Base.]

Phil Hartman: That should cover thenecklace! … We got a great show! Bush is here![cheers and applause] Stick around — we’ll be rightback!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7

96g: Phil Hartman / Bush

Lux 420 SL

…..Cliff Robertson
Crazy Person…..Will Ferrell

Cliff Robertson: Each individual demands a car built to meet their specific needs. Lincoln designed the “Towncar” for the businessman who demands luxury. Dodge, the “Caravan” for the family. And now we are proud to present the “Lux 420 SL” for crazy people…

(A CRAZY PERSON IS SEEN DRIVING MANIACALLY THROUGH A BICYCLE TRAIL.)

Cliff Robertson: The “420” has a fuel injection system taken from crashed flying saucer parts, it is also the 1st mid-sized sedan with disc brakes designed by nostradaumus. The “Lux 420” is also the safest car on the road…

(CUT TO A SHOT OF JESUS, ABE LINCOLD, AND “DR. ZAIUS”–“PLANET OF THE APES” FAME–ANALYZING THE CAR. JESUS IS SEEN SLAMING THE DOOR WILDLY.)

Cliff Robertson: …Top european scientists designed it that way. And with the built in car sink, you’ll be able to wash your hands every 5 minutes…

(CRAZY PERSON SEEN WASHING HIS HANDS WHILE DRIVING.)

Cliff Robertson: That’s not all, over 18 feet of trunk space (POPS TRUNK OPEN REVEALING A NUMER OF JARS.) allows you to store over 200 jars of urine safely. The “Lux 420SL”, the car your neighbor’s dog has been telling you to buy.

(CRAZY PERSON RUNS UP TO THE CAMERA WITH HIS PANTS DOWN, FREAKS OUT A LITTLE, THEN RUNS AWAY AND JUMPS UP INTO THE AIR, A JINGLE IS THEN SUNG BY A CRAZY PERSON.)

Crazy singer: (SUPER) “There’s a radio in my fingernail…CAR!”

Submitted by: Justin Kaplowitz

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7

96g: Phil Hartman / Bush

Froonga

Friend…..Chris Kattan
Partygoer #1…..Tim Meadows
Partygoer #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Partygoer #3…..Jim Breuer

[ open on partygoers playing a Jenga-like paror game with wine glasses ]

Partygoers: Froonga!! Froonga!! Froonga!! Froonga!! Froonga!! [ cheer ]

Friend: Hey, guys, whatcha playing?

Partygoer #1: It’s Froonga! The exciting new game from Sweden!

Friend: How do you play?

Partygoer #2: It’s simple! You just take a piece of glass from the bottom.. [ demonstrates ] ..and place it on the top!

Partygoer #3: The one who topples the glasspile loses. Froonga!

Friend: Hey, can I play?

[ Friend pulls glass, knocking the structure to the ground; partygoers run away in panic ]

Announcer: It’s Froonga! The fun-time glass game! By the same people who brought you:

Silly Knife Ball – try and catch it!

And.. Flame Hat. He-ey! You head’s on fire!

In partnership with the folks who brought you:

The Tiny Tot Underwater Car.. Hammer Gun.. and.. Dam Sled – any dam will do!

From the makers of Volty, the electric tub duck.

And the Neck Tornado! In stores this Christmas.

Voiceover: Grelco! We make toys!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


November 23rd, 1996

Phil Hartman

Bush

None

Cliff Robertson

Rodney Dangerfield

Andy Murphy
O.J. TV Trial ReenactmentSummary: O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) causes shenanigans while being cross-exained in his latest trial.

Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson.

Montage

Phil Hartman’s MonologueSummary: Phil Hartman discusses his many endorsement deals.

Transcript

Lux 420SLSummary: Cliff Robertson endorses the car for crazy people.

Transcript

House of CongressSummary: M-TV VJ Kincaid (Ana Gasteyer) rambles television nostolgia with Jesse Helms (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Kincaid, Jesse Helms, Ted Kennedy.

TV FunhouseSummary: In a cartoon by Rob Smigel, a ga-ga Michael Jackson makes a play for little boys.

Texaco

NEA Thanksgiving SongsSummary: Members of the National Endowment for the Arts endure a series of Thanksgiving song auditions.

Recurring Characters: Cinder Calhoun.

The Joe Pesci ShowSummary: Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer) and Frank Sinatra (Phil Hartman) give Michael Jackson (Tim Meadows) a hard time.

Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Frank Sinatra, Michael Jackson, Debbie Rowe.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Rodney Dangerfield comments on what it’s like to be 75 years-old.

Bush performs “Swallowed”

The Gossip ShowSummary: Hyper Julie Brown (Cheri Oteri) lets loose with government secrets.

Recurring Characters: Julie Brown, Liz Smith, Michael Musto.

Acting WorkshopSummary: Acting teacher Bobby Colsman (Phil Hartman) continues to verbally abuse his acting students while name-dropping his D-List celebrity friends.

Recurring Characters: Bobby Colsman, Troy, Brian Kelly.

Bush performs “Insect Kin”

Soldiers Not Coming BackSummary: World War II general (Phil Hartman) tells his soldiers that most of them won’t be coming back.

Transcript

FroongaSummary: The stacking wine glasses game is just the latest amusement from the dangerous Grelco product line.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
… Bob Dole

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, basking inthe enthusiastic cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonaldand now the fake news! Our top story tonight:

Texaco Oil, reeling from the public outcry over racistremarks made by some of its top executives at a taperecorded meeting, today announced a dramatic change incompany policy: No more tape recordedmeetings!

Meanwhile, the U.S. Army is dealing with a scandal ofits own, as dozens of female recruits have chargeddrill instructors with sexual harassment,intimidation, and even sexual assault. Analysts arecalling it the best argument yet for gays in themilitary.

Attorney General Janet Reno has assembled a task forceto determine whether federal campaign finance lawswere violated by Democrats, Republicans, or both.Another task force will attempt to determine whetherAttorney General Reno is a man, a woman, orboth.

This week, in a secret ceremony in Australia, MichaelJackson was married for the second time. Asked whatmakes his new bride special, the King of Pop said,quote: “She has taught me about the power ofimagination. Like imagining that a grown woman is aten year old boy.” [Mixed reactions from the crowd]… You know he’s a homosexual pedophile, right? Youunderstand? [cheers and applause]

And, yes, it is true, Michael Jackson is going to be afather. Already, he has hired an entire staff ofnannies, nurses and extra bodyguards, which hopefullywill protect the child from Michael Jackson.

This weekend, veteran news anchorman David Brinkleyapologized to Bill Clinton for an election nightcommentary in which he called the president, quote,”boring and uncreative.” Admitted Brinkley: “There wascertainly nothing uncreative about the way you movedVince Foster’s body.” [mixed and mild reaction fromthe crowd] … President’s a murderer, you didn’t knowthat?

Nicki Barcudas, a young woman whose wealthy familyowns a chain of profitable restaurants in New York,has won twenty-three million dollars in the New YorkLotto. This raises an interesting question: “NickiBarcudas, will you marry me?”

O. J. Simpson was in a different courtroom this week,attempting to regain custody of his two children. Inorder to prove to the court how much he loves hiskids, O. J. pointed out, quote: “Hey, they’re stillalive, aren’t they?” … [mixed, mild reaction, thensome applause]

Demi Moore has wrapped filming on “GI Jane” in whichshe plays a Navy SEAL combat officer. Moore says thatin contrast to other Hollywood portrayals of women inthe military, her character will have giantbreasts.

Wildlife officials in Maryland say that increasedhunting will be necessary to control the state’s blackbear population. Gee, I wonder if hunting would be theanswer if instead of overpopulation of black bears,there were an overpopulation of rich, old, white men.[Superimposed text reading “Applaud Now” flashes onthe screen, Norm grins and nods as the audienceapplauds] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I wonder.

The New York City Transit Authority plans to put upsigns in subway stations asking city residents to bemore polite when getting on and off the subway. MostNew Yorkers say the idea sounds great and that the newsigns will make excellent urinals.

Doctors have discovered that deer hunters are at anunusually high risk for stress-related heart attacks.Also at high risk for stress-related heart attacks:deer!

In Washington D.C., reporter Alan Etter was doing astory on violence at a local high school when he wasattacked and severely beaten by a gang of students.The assailants say they have nothing against thereporter, they just love irony.

Eighty-year-old Frank Sinatra recovering from a boutof pneumonia was apparently well enough last Saturdayto bet daughter Tina Sinatra that Mike Tyson woulddefeat Evander Holyfield. Well, Tina made him pay theten dollars, although later he had his people roughher up and take back the money.

Norm MacDonald: Well, just when youthought…

Bob Dole: [from off screen] Wait aminute!

Norm MacDonald: … things couldn’t get worsefor Bob Dole– [Bob Dole enters to cheers andapplause, surprising Norm] Ohhh…

Bob Dole: Hi, Norm.

Norm MacDonald: [self-consciously] I was just,I was just doing a–

Bob Dole: Yeah, I know that. You’ve had yourfun now, Norm, you’re out of work!

Norm MacDonald: What? I thought I’d just do ajoke about you. I had a little joke–

Bob Dole: Well, you have been doing those. I’vebeen missing a lot of ’em, but, ah, your fun’s over,the election’s over. Unless there’s a recount, you’reout of work!

Norm MacDonald: Oh, no! Okay, well, I guessthat’s it. Maybe we could go have a beer or something?How’d that be?

Bob Dole: Be all right with me.

Norm MacDonald: All right! Bob Dole, everybody!Good night, folks!

[Bob and Norm wave goodbye as the music and applausekick in. The men shake hands as we dissolve to theWEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts