Category: 1991

Mary Stuart Masterson’s Monologue

…..Mary Stuart Masterson

Mary Stuart Masterson: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. You know, most of you probably know me from the movies I’ve done – most recently, “Fried Green Tomatoes”. [ audience applauds ] Wow! You’ve sene it! Thank you!

And, if you didn’t see it, my character was a young woman who was tough, yet vulnerable. Of course, that’s basically how casting directors se me – the young women who’s tough, yet vulnerable.

But that’s not all I am. So tonight, I’ve decided to how you a different side of me – a side that is vulgar, yet stupid. 3! 4!

[ band plays, Mary opens her shirt and does a vulgar, yet stupid dance ]

Thanks! I really wish I hadn’t done that. Right now, I’m feeling pretty vulnerable.. but you know, I’m gonna be okay. You know why? Because I’m tough. And we’ve got a great show tonight. En Vogue is here, so don’t go away, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Lisa Pongrasic: Very Pregnant Undercover Cop

Murdoch…..Phil Hartman
Lisa Pongrasic…..Mary Stuart Masterson
Kevin Hurley…..Chris Farley
Rodriguez…..Dana Carvey
Partner…..Chris Rock

[ open on interior, 91st Precinct, New York City ]

Murdoch: Pongrasic, I’ve had about all I can stand of your kind of police work! Oh, you got Torelli alright – sure, no question about that – but you also broke fifteen departmental regulations! Improper warrant, illegal searches, excessive use of force..! You put the guy in the hospital, for crying out loud!

Lisa Pongrasic: [ shown only from the neck up ] Look, Murdoch. Torelli was selling cocaine to schoolchildren, what am I supposed to do, give him a parking ticket?

Murdoch: I don’t understand you, Pongrasic. You’re the best cop I got! But I can’t keep saving your butt unless you learn to start playing by the book!

Lisa Pongrasic: You know what you can do with your book, Murdoch. [ stands, revealing herself to be very pregnant ] Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go get a sonogram.

Announcer: “Lisa Piongrasic: Very regnant Undrcover Cop”.

[ SUPER: “Starring Megan Forrester, Kevin Riley as Kevin Hurley, with Preston Furman as Murdoch” ]

[ opening montage features Lisa handling a variety of police duties – climbing a chain-link fence, posing undercover as a prostitute, participating in a high-speed chase, throwing a bad guy over some garbage cans, and practicing self-defense training, getting hit head-on by a car, peeking out slowly from behind a wall on stakeout ]

Murdoch: Hold it, Pongrasic! [ stands, walks closer ] Before you get your sonogram, I think you oughtta know – I’m taking you off the Rodriguez case.

Lisa Pongrasic: What?!

Murdoch: You heard me!

Lisa Pongrasic: But I’m making the buy tonight! I’m meeting Rodrigeuz in an abandoned warehouse up in the South Bronx!

Murdoch: Pongrasic, what’s your due date?

Lisa Pongrasic: April 14th. Why?

Murdoch: Too close. Maybe I’m old-school, but I just don’t like the idea of an eight-and-a-half month pregnant cop on this case.

Lisa Pongrasic: Look, Murdoch! I’ve been on this case since my first trimester!

Murdoch: [ surrenders ] Alright. I might as well tell you. The reason I didn’t want you to meet Rodriguez is.. the guys and I were gonna throw you a surprise shower tonight. Well, the cat’s out of the bag. [ pulls a stuffed bear out of his file cabinet ] Here. It’s a Paddington Bear.

Lisa Pongrasic: Oh, that’s great..

Murdoch: What’s the matter? You already have one?

Lisa Pongrasic: Yeah. But this is great! It’s always good to have an extra.

Murdoch: Oh. Well, anyway, about Rodriguez – be careful.

[ dissolve to Pongrasic sitting in a squad car with her paretner Kevin Hurley ]

Kevin Hurley: [ reading a baby care book ] Wow! It says here breastmilk is the perfect food. It says that the baby requires all the mother’s immunity the first three weeks it nurses. That’s really cool!

Lisa Pongrasic: Where the hell is Rodriguez?

Kevin Hurley: You know what sex the baby is?

Lisa Pongrasic: Shut up, Hurley! [ looks out the window ] There’s Rodriguez! Now, listen, Hurley.. you don’t come in unless there’s trouble, capiche?

Kevin Hurley: Yes, ma’am!

[ Lisa exits the vehicle ]

[ dissolve to warehouse interior, Rodriguez and Partner entering ]

Rodriguez: So, the young lady coming to make the buy tonight.. you check her out, man?

Partner: Yeah, she’s cool.

Rodriguez: How do you know she’s not a cop?

Partner: You ever see a cop with a belly out to here? [ indicates ]

Rodriguez: Yeah!

Partner: No, I mean a lady cop?

Rodriguez: [ laughs ]

[ Lisa Pongrasic enters the warehouse ]

Lisa Pongrasic: Good evening, gentlemen!

Rodriguez: Good evening, Miss Harrison. You brought the cash, did you not?

Lisa Pongrasic: It’s all here, Rodriguez. $1 million in fifties, just like you ordered.

Rodriguez: Nice.

Lisa Pongrasic: And now, Mr. Rodriguez, I believe you have something for me?

Rodriguez: Oh, Miss Harrison.. we have something.. for you. Look at that, man.. [ opens case ] Three kilos, the finest Peruvian flak, take a look, huh? We also have something else for you.

Lisa Pongrasic: Really?

Rodriguez: That’s right.

Lisa Pongrasic: Well.. I wasn’t expecting anything else..

Rodriguez: Oh, this is a surprise, isn’t it, G-Love?

Partner: Yeah! I know you’re not expecting this!

Rodriguez: You close your eyes, Miss Harrison.

Partner: Yeah, because we don’t want you to see what’s coming..

Lisa Pongrasic: Yeah, but I.. I really don’t have time..

Rodriguez: Just shut up, and close your eyes!

[ listening from the car, Kevin gets worried, and bolts ]

Rodriguez: Okay. [ pulls out another Paddington Bear ] Open ’em up, look at that, huh? It’s a gift for the baby, look at that guy! This thing is called a Paddington Bear, okay? It’s got a little raincoat, a cute little hat, red boots, you know? I hollowed out the back, it’s a good place to hide the blow, okay!

Kevin Hurley: [ from outside the door ] Pongrasic, where are you?!!

Partner: She’s a cop!

[ Kevin enters, as a shootout breaks loose, sending him down to the floor with a bullet ]

Partner: You ready to die, Pig!

[ Pongrasic shoots Partner down ]

Lisa Pongrasic: Hold on, Hurley, I’m coming to get you! [ somersaults across the floor ] I’m out of bullets! Harley, where’s your gun!

Kevin Hurley: [ weeping ] I dropped it over there where I was shot at, I’m sorry, Pongrasic!

Lisa Pongrasic: It’s okay, Hurley, I got an idea! [ jumps aboard a forklift, driving into Rodriguez until he runs out of bullets; she tackles him to the ground ] Oh! And, by the way, Rodriguez, I already got a Paddington Bear! What I really need.. is a bassinet!

Announcer: Now, here’s a scene from our next episode..

Lisa Pongrasic: We don’t have much time.. my water just broke!

Announcer: Next week, on “Lisa Pongrasic: Very Pregnant Undercover Cop”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 11th, 1992

Sharon Stone

Pearl Jam

None

Lorne Michaels

Tom Davis

Jim Downey

Warren Hutcherson

Robert Smigel

Terry Turner

Fred Wolf

Jon Lovitz
Wayne’s WorldSummary: Wayne (Mike Myers) and Garth (Dana Carvey) cast their picks for the Best & Worst moments at this year’s Oscars ceremony.

Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.

Montage

Sharon Stone’s MonologueSummary: Dressed in her “Basic Instinct” garb, Sharon Stone sits on a chair at Home Base as men throughout the studio eagerly wait for an illicit peek under her dress.

Transcript

Jiffy Pop AirbagSummary: Now you can enjoy a delicious snack while you wait for the ambulance to arrive at the scene of your next accident.

Note: Repeat from 02/15/92.

Hitting on WomenSummary: Two grown men (Chris Farley, Adam Sandler) can’t form the words to ask out an attractive woman (Sharon Stone) at a bar.

Sex GamesSummary: Dan (Kevin Nealon) doesn’t quite get the hang of participating in a sexual fantasy with his wife (Sharon Stone).

Transcript

Flippy, The Flipping ChihuahuaSummary: Flippy, The Flipping Chihuahua is run over by Toonces the Driving Cat.

Recurring Characters: Toonces the Driving Cat.

Lung BrushSummary: Don’t stop smoking – clean your lungs instead.

Note: Repeat from 11/02/91.

Pat’s InterrogationSummary: Though androgynous Pat (Julia Sweeney) endures a “Basic Instinct” interrogation process, the mysterious gender isn’t revealed.

Recurring Characters: Pat.

Transcript

Pearl Jam performs “Alive”Also Performed: 93q, 05p.

Weekend Update with Kevin NealonSummary: Rob Schneider’s commentary on the environment reveals the answers he was given while conducting a door-to-door poll. Queen Shenequa (Ellen Cleghorne) declares that she won’t be paying her taxes this year because she’s a black woman. Victoria Jackson’s commentary about the Democratic Party is sidetracked so can sing “I Love A Cop.”

Airport Security CheckSummary: Suspecting an attractive woman (Sharon Stone) of being a terrorist, male security officers (Kevin Nealon, Dana Carvey, Rob Schneider) fake alarm notices and make her remove articles of clothing.

Ernie’sSummary: Ernie (Chris Rock) insults his wife (Ellen Cleghorne) with ridiculously long descriptions.

Transcript

Tayster’s Choice Spermicidal Jelly ISummary: A man’s (Dana Carvey) neighbor (Sharon Stone) bcomes to his door to borrow the product.

Transcript

Phil Hartman CreationsSummary: Phil Hartman shows off some of the wigs he’s worn on SNL over the years.

Transcript

Tayster’s Choice Spermicidal Jelly IISummary: A man’s (Dana Carvey) neighbor (Sharon Stone) returns the product to his apartment while he’s entertaining another woman (Julia Sweeney).

Transcript

Pearl Jam performs “Porch”

The Porno CoupleSummary: A man (Phil Hartman) and his fiancee (Sharon Stone) admit that the real nature of their lives involves excessive amounts of pornography.

Tayster’s Choice Spermicidal Jelly IIISummary: A man (Dana Carvey) again meets his neighbor (Sharon Stone) at her sister’s (Victoria Jackson) apartment.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17




Available on:

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Ernie’s

Ernie’s Wife…..Ellen Cleghorne
Ernie…..Chris Rock

[ open on exterior, Ernie’s ]

[ dissolve to interior of shop, as Ernie’s Wife joins him behind the counter ]

Ernie’s Wife: We’re closing now, right?

Ernie: Closing? Who said?

Ernie’s Wife: You did!

Ernie: I never said that!

Ernie’s Wife: You did, you mind-changing, schedule-forgetting fool!

Ernie: Well, tonight I wanted to stay open, you clock-watching, early-closing, lazy, non-working, back-talking —

Ernie’s Wife: [ gives in ] Okay, I’ll stay late!

Ernie: You late-staying, always-agreeing, butt-kissing —

Ernie’s Wife: [ slaps counter ] All I want to know is: when are we gonna close up and go?!

Ernie: You “When-are-we-gonna-close-up-and-go?” asking, turtleneck-wearing, attitude-giving, freeloading —

[ Ernie’s Wife storms away from the counter and into the back room, as he continues to ramble his insults toward her ]

Ernie: — going-in-the-back-room, non-listening..

[ Ernie’s Wife returns from the back room, carrying a box of inventory ]

Ernie: [ continues ] You coming-in-from-the-back-room, box-carrying, teeth-sucking, head-shaking —

[ Ernie’s Wife waves him off from behind, as she proceeds to process inventory ]

Ernie: — husband-ignoring, you non-hearing, product-unloading, second-aisle-reshelving, new-price-tag-sticking, inventory-taking..

[ Ernie pauses to sip a beverage sitting on the counter. His wife turns to give him a dirty look before she moves over to the next wall of inventory. ]

Ernie: [ fueled, he continues again ] Thinking-I-was-dumb, well-I’m-not-dumb-cause-I’m-still-talking, I-got-more-to-say, like: you hairnet-wearing.. uh.. uh.. ozone-destroying-with-the..

[ Ernie puts his drink down, and opens the dictionary to locate the proper insult word ]

Ernie: — greenhouse effect-hazard, collossol-city-drowning, polar-ice-cap-melting, price-tag, earring-wearing —

[ Ernie’s Wife drops her price tag gun and retreats behind the counter ]

Ernie: — walking-out-of-my-sight, dunking-down-behind-the-damn-thing —

[ Ernie’s Wife pulls out a pistol and points it at him ]

Ernie: .38-caliber-pistol-shooting, pointing-at-me —

[ Ernie’s Wife fires the pistol. His body staggers downward, but he maintains the strength to continue. ]

Ernie: Husband-shooting, mess-making —

[ Ernie’s Wife fires the pistol a second time; Ernie barely flinches ]

Ernie: Two-time-shooting, neither-time-fatally-wounded —

[ Ernie’s Wife fires a final time, as he staggers onto the counter and finally surrenders ]

Ernie: Okay. Let’s close the store.

[ Ernie’s Wife locks up, as he looks around dazed ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Goodnights

…..Sharon Stone

Sharon Stone: Thanks so much for joining us, I had a wonderful time. [ turns to acknowledge the cast ] You guys are great, thank you so much!

Ellen Cleghorne: [ speaking on behalf of the cast? ] Oh, thank you!

[ everyone claps and waves goodnight ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Sharon Stone’s Monologue

…..Sharon Stone

Sharon Stone: Thank you very much! Thank you! I’m a little nervous! [ laughs ] You know, I think I’d feel a little more comfortable if I could sit down.. [ a chair resembling the one from “Basic Instinct” is brought in, Sharon sits ] Yeah.. that feels better.. [ crosses her legs and lights a cigarette ]

Voice of Director: Uh, Miss Stone, there’s no smoking during the monologue.

Sharon Stone: [ laughs ] What are you gonna do, Davey, take me off the air? We’re live. [ smokes ] You know.. I had a great week. I like working with these guys. They give me a lot of laughs. I love to laugh. It’s nice. It sends ripples of pleasure through my body..

[ cut to Chris Farley watching from offstage, excitement shining from his face ]

Leaving here is gonna be sad.. because I’ll miss all the pleasure they gave me..

[ cut to Lorne Michaels watching from offstage, excitement shining from his face ]

Especially the men.. because they’re so.. funny. But, you know what? [ puffs on her cigarette ] The women are funny, too.. very funny. That’s right.. the women made me laugh, too..

[ cut to Victoria Jackson watching from offstage, licking her lips in anticipation ]

You know who else made me laugh? The writers.

[ cut to writers Tom Davis, Jim Downey, Warren Hutcherson, Robert Smigel, Terry Turner and Fred Wolf watching from offstage, excitement shining from their faces ]??, Jim Downey, Herb Sargent, Robert Smigel, Tom Davis, Fred Wolf, Warren Hutcherson and ??Terry Turner

But not that much. I’m not gonna miss them. The stagehands weren’t that funny..

[ cut to the stagehands watching unhappily from offstage ]

Of course, that’s not their job. But they could have tried. [ puffs on her cigarette ] Well, anyway, I think we’ve got a great show tonight. And I think you’ll get a lot of pleasure out of it.. I know I will.. Pearl Jam is here.

[ cut to the Pearl Jam watching from offstage, excitement shining from their faces ]

Oh.. and one more thing.. [ starts to lift her leg, but casually stands up instead ] ..we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17




–

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Pat’s Interrogation

Interrogator #1…..Chris Farley
Pat…..Julia Sweeney
Interrogator #2…..Dana Carvey
Interrogator #3…..Phil Hartman

Interrogator #1: Could you tell us the nature of your relationship with.. Chris?

Pat: Why, I had sex with Chris for about a year-and-a-half. I like having sex with Chris! I like people who give me pleasure!

Interrogator #1: Did you and Chris play any kind of.. games in bed.

Pat: Yes.

Interrogator #1: Anything specific?

Pat: Role reversal! We felt it kept the relationship alive!

Interrogator #2: Did you and Chris practice safe sex?

Pat: Yes.

Interrogator #1: Which one of you put on the condom?

Pat: We put it on together, we made it a part of froepaly like the sex manual suggests. [ laughs, then uncrosses her leg and rubs its hand over its crotch ]

Interrogator #3: Listen, Pat – if you were a baby, what color would your Pampers be, pink or blue?

Pat: Diapers were all white back then!

Interrogator #2: You’re lying, Pat, you’re lying! You’re not teling the truth, and by God I’m gonna find out! You’re not telling the truth, Pat, I’m gonna figure you out! I’m gonna figure you out!

[ Pat looks worried ]

Jingle: “It’s time for androgyny
that’s just Pat!”

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Phil Hartman Creations

…..Phil Hartman

[ open on Phil Hartman standing in front of a blue curtain ]

Phil Hartman: Hi! I’m Phil Hartman. Yuo know, one of the great pleasures of being a cast member here at “Saturday Night Live” is that I’m given the opportunity to pretend. and part of that pretending, of ocurse, is that I get to wear so many wigs. Wigs that can change my look completely. And I have a secret to share: I’m in love with my wigs! And, now, you can be, too. I’m introducing a new line of wigs, called Phil Hartman Creations.

[ zoom out to reveal Phil standing behind a table filled with various wigs resting atop styrofoam dummy heads ]

So, fellas, you can change wigs as often as you change your mood!

[ SUPER: “No wigs tested on animals” ]

[ Phil picks up one of the styrofoam heads to show off the wig on top ]

Meet Troy.

[ dissolve to a photo of Phil wearing the Troy wig, looking just as he describes ]

Troy is for when you want to feel secure and cocky. This hairstyle says, “I’m gonna get everything out of life. I’m Troy! And I’m not afraid of working hard, taking risks, or committing to intimate relationships.”

[ dissolve back to Phil ]

I like to wear this one when I play football with my son.

[ Phil picks up the next styrofoam head ]

Say hi to.. Anton! When you’re wearing Anton, English instantly becomes your second language.

[ dissolve to a photo of Phil wearing the Anton wig, looking just as he describes ]

You’ll look mysterious, sexy, and just a little dangerous. I was wearing my Anton when I met my wife.

[ dissolve back to Phil ]

Of course, I eventually dropped the accent and took the wig off. She felt betrayed, but, by that time she was pregnant, and, well.. I could go on, but I have a few more of my creations to show you!

[ Phil picks up the next styrofoam head ]

I call this wig Jimmy. Jimmy is – well, frankly, Jimmy is something of a geek.

[ dissolve to a photo of Phil wearing the Jimmy wig, looking just as he describes ]

It’s for those times when you feel like a loser, and you just want to look like one, too.

[ dissolve back to Phil ]

Last year, I was audited by the IRS. I simply slipped on this Jimmy, and the auditor gave me a total refund. [ proudly ] And some food stamps! I felt so good afterwards – [ picks up the Troy wig ] I had to put on a Troy!

[ Phil returns to his previous position at the table and picks up the next styrofoam head ]

I call this wig.. Gloria. Gloria is fo those times when, well – you feel a little naughty.

[ dissolve to a photo of Phil wearing the Gloria wig, looking just as he describes ]

Gloria is all candles and moonlight. All pink taffeta and secret longings!

[ dissolve back to Phil ]

I like to wear Gloria when I sit on the beach alone, and sip champagne on the sand.

[ Phil puts down the styrofoam head and stands before all his creations once again ]

There you are – all my creations. If you order now, you’ll get a special bonus. I’m wearing it right now. It’s called.. The Phil.

[ photos of Phil wearing the four wigs surround him, with title: “Phil Hartman Creations 1-800-555-PHIL” ]

Announcer: Phil Hartman Creations. Order now.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Sex Games

Dan…..Kevin Nealon
Lisa…..Sharon Stone
Tommy…..David Spade

[ open in Dan and Lisa’s bedroom, Lisa wearing a red nightgown and waiting for Dan on the bed ]

Dan: [ enters ] Oh, Lisa! You look so hot in that lingerie!

Lisa: You like it, sweetheart?

Dan: Oooh! You just look so sexy!

Lisa: Thank you, Dan.

Dan: Oh, boy.. any guy in the world would just die to make love to you!

Lisa: [ reaches for him ] Well.. you’re the only guy for me, Dan!

Dan: So, Lisa, you, uh.. want to play.. the game?

Lisa: Yeah! Should I be the stewardess, or the checkout girl at the supermarket?

Dan: Well.. I was thinking.. maybe tonight.. you could be a kind of.. you know.. a prostitute, or something?

Lisa: [ excited ] Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Dan: Yeah?

Lisa: [ takes out a pair of red heels ] You want me to be your whore, Dan?

Dan: Yeah! Yeah! You’re my whore!

Lisa: [ puts the red heels on ] Yeah, baby, I am! I’m your whore!

Dan: Yeah, I’ve neve met you before.. and now I’m gonna pay you to do it with me!

Lisa: Yeah! You just picked me up on the street, you’ve never met me before!

Dan: Yeah.. you’re gonna get it good, slut!

Lisa: Yeah!

Dan: I’m paying the money, but you’re getting the treat!

Lisa: Yeah, I can just tell by looking at you it’s gonna be real good! That man I picked up earlier, he couldn’t satisfy me. But, you..

Dan: [ losing the mood ] Hold on.. hold it.. what man?

Lisa: My last trick. My last customer.

Dan: What do you mean, your last customer?! What the hell is going on here?! You slept with someone else?!

Lisa: I’m a hooker. Remember?

Dan: [ understanding ] Oh.. oh.. oh, the hooker slept with somebody else.. your customer.. oh, okay.. Yeah.. customer. Yeah, the last guy who paid you for sex, just like I did! Yeah, I like that.. you’re a good whore!

Lisa: Yeah! You want to know how I like it, baby?

Dan: I don’t care how you like it! You’re gonna get it the way I like it!

Lisa: Oh, you’re pretty sure of yourself, aren’t you?

Dan: Oh, yeah, I can please any woman – especially a cheap, slutty streetwalker like you, who I just met moments ago and I’m not married to, because I just met you!

Lisa: Yeah! I’m just a $10 hooker, and you’re a longshoreman named Tony!

Dan: [ upset ] What do you mean, Tony?! I’m Dan! Who the hell is this Tony guy?!

Lisa: I thought you’d want to be somebody else, so I made it up.

Dan: Okay, but why Tony?! Why not Doug, or Fred, or Tim? I mean.. who’s this Tony guy, what’s his affiliation with us?!

Lisa: I just made it up.

Dan: [ understanding ] Oh..

Lisa: Okay?

Dan: Don’t you raise your voice to me, whore! My name’s Dan, alright? I’m Dan!

Lisa: Okay, okay, Dan..

Dan: I’m Dan.. and I’m the man.

Lisa: Okay.. Dan the Man!

Dan: Yeah.. my last name’s different, though. Because I don’t want to bring my parents into this.

Lisa: Okay. Anything you say, Dan. You’re the one with the money.

Dan: I’m Dan.. Hamilton! And you’re Dan Hamilton’s sweaty whore.

Lisa: Yeah!

Dan: You start sweating for me now, whore!

Lisa: Yeah, well, Dan Hamilton, let’s just get down to business!

Dan: Let’s get down to pleasure, because I need it bad!

Lisa: Yeah! Yeah, baby! What’s the matter, your wife don’t give it to you good enough at home?

Dan: [ alarmed ] Oh, no! No, don’t say that, Lisa! You’re the greatest lover!

Lisa: I’m not Lisa. I’m the hooker.

Dan: [ feeling bad ] Oh, yeah.. well, you see.. Lisa’s a great, great lady.

Lisa: She’s a lucky lady, Dan.

Dan: I don’t even know what I’m doing with you, whore! I’ve got two wonderful kids at home, and my wife and them mean everything to me..

Lisa: [ touched ] Oh, Dan, that’s so sweet.. [ reaches for his face ]

Dan: [ pulls her hand away ] I didn’t say you could touch me, whore! You do what I tell you, or you don’t get no tip!

Lisa: Yeah, Dan.. okay, Dan.. Hamilton!

Dan: [ outraged ] Who the hell is Dan Hamil- [ remembering ] Oh.. right.. Dan Hamilton, I’m Dan Hamilton, okay.. You’d better start earning your money now, you cheap streetwalking wench!

Lisa: Oh, I’m not even thinking about the money, Dan, I’m just thinking about all the pleasure you’re gonna give me!

Dan: [ losing the mood again ] You gotta start thinking about the money.. I mean, that’s why you got into this racket in the first place..

Lisa: You.. you gave me the money. Now.. come and get the merchandise.

Dan: Oh, you poor thing! What kind of sick society do we live in, where some.. sweet, pretty girl like you has to sell her body to put food on the table? It makes me sick!

[ someone knocks on the bedroom door ]

Lisa: Who is it?

Dan: Who’s that, your pimp?!

Tommy: It’s me, Mom.

Dan: He calls you “Mom”?! That’s perverted and disgusting!

[ Son Tommy enters ]

Lisa: What is it, Tommy?

Tommy: Hi, Mom.. hi, Dad. I was wondering if, maybe, I could borrow the car tonight?

Dan: What’s the matter, you bloodsucking pimp? Your purple cadillac break down?!

Lisa: Dan!

Dan: [ jumps out of bed ] I’m gonna teach you a lesson, you vicious flesh-peddler! Let’s go – outside! You and me right now, we’ll settle this! [ chases Tommy out of the bedroom ]

[ slow zoom on Lisa ]

Lisa: I think Dan takes these sex games a little too seriously, don’t you?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Tayster’s Choice I

Woman…..Sharon Stone
Man…..Dana Carvey
Announcer…..Phil Hartman
Partygoer…..Siobhan Fallon

[FADE IN on a feminine hand ringing a doorbell as chamber music plays in the background. ZOOM OUT as a man answers the door and grins to see a beautiful blonde in a black dress off the shoulders.]

Woman: [coolly] Hello. I’m sorry to bother you, but… I’m having a dinner party.

Man: And?

Woman: And… I’m out of spermicidal jelly.

[laughter]

Man: Come in.

Woman: Thank you.

[She walks in past him as he leers to the camera in approval. CUT to inside the apartment.]

Man: Would… Tayster’s Choice be too good for your guests?

[He deliberately holds up what appears to be a tube of toothpaste labeled “Tayster’s Choice.”]

Woman: Oh… I think they could get used to it.

Man: It’s a very sophisticated spermicidal jelly.

Woman: They have very sophisticated tastes.

Man: Do they?

Woman: [grins] Yes. Well… I must be getting back.

[She exits as he looks at the camera with a slow nod of approval. FADE to a product ID slide of the burgundy-and-white “Tayster’s Choice” tube. SUPERIMPOSE “Savor the sophistication of” at top.]

Announcer: Savor the sophistication of Tayster’s Choice Spermicidal Jelly.

[FADE to the blonde with another woman at her dinner party.]

Partygoer: [softly] So… have you met your new… neighbor yet?

Woman: [holding teacup] Oh, I’ve… popped in for spermicidal jelly.

[FREEZE on the blonde’s sexy grin, then SUPERIMPOSE, “To Be Continued.” FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts