Category: 1991

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Tayster’s Choice II

Man…..Dana Carvey
Date…..Julia Sweeney
Neighbor…..Sharon Stone
Announcer…..Phil Hartman

[FADE IN on the man and a dinner companion cradling teacups and smiling at each other as soft piano music plays in the background. The doorbell suddenly buzzes.]

Man: Excuse me.

[He answers the door and finds his sexy blonde neighbor standing with a sack of groceries in her arms.]

Neighbor: You saved my life the other night.

Man: [chuckles suavely] The dinner party.

Neighbor: The spermicidal jelly. Very successful.

Man: How can you… ever thank me?

Neighbor: I’ll think of something. But in the meantime, at least I can return your…

[pulls tube out of sack] …Tayster’s Choice. [hands him tube]

Man: Look, I’m… busy right now, but… perhaps…

Woman: Perhaps.

[She turns smoothly away, and the man turns back inside. FADE to product ID.]

Announcer: Savor the sophistication of Tayster’s Choice Spermicidal Jelly.

[FADE back to the man and his date just as before.]

Man: Just my neighbor. How was the… spermicidal jelly?

Date: Perfect. Where did you get it from?

Man: Oh, I… have it delivered.

[FREEZE on his smirking face. FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Tayster’s Choice III

Man…..Dana Carvey
Sister…..Victoria Jackson
Woman…..Sharon Stone
Announcer…..Phil Hartman

[FADE IN on the man walking through a door with his date. Chamber music plays in the background.]

Sister: You’re right, I’m not.

Man: You don’t believe your own brother? Come on, I’m really sorry that I’m late.

[They walk in and stop at an elegantly decorated table surrounded by four very well-dressed people.]

Sister: I think you know everyone here, except…

[CUT to a blonde woman who looks at the man and freezes.]

Man: [softly] Oh, we’ve… met.

Woman: We, uh… shared the same taste in spermicidal jelly.

[FADE to product ID.]

Announcer: Savor the sophistication of Tayster’s Choice Spermicidal Jelly.

[FADE back to the man and the blonde woman sitting next to each other and cradling teacups.]

Woman: Are you always this late?

Man: I won’t be tomorrow.

Woman: [smiles] What’s happening tomorrow?

Man: I’m inviting you to dinner.

Woman: [laughs softly] What makes you think I’ll accept?

Man: You… can’t resist my spermicidal jelly?

[FREEZE on the couple as they both smile. FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 18th, 1992

Jerry Seinfeld

Annie Lennox

None

None
Clinton-Brown DebateSummary: Jerry Brown (Dana Carvey) and Bill Clinton (Phil Hartman) compromise on what topics they will not bring up during their debate.

Recurring Characters: Jerry Brown, Bill Clinton, Paul Tsongas.

Montage

Jerry Seinfeld’s MonologueSummary:

Also Hosted: 99a.

Stand-Up And WinSummary: Observational comic Bobby Wheat (Jerry Seinfeld) quizzes fellow comics on categories that deal with the mundane banalities of life.

Transcript

Make You ThinkSummary: Mr. Thompson (Jerry Seinfeld) tries in vain to teach his History class students about World War 2, even though their minds are permanently elsewhere.

Transcript

Annie Lennox performs “Why”Also Performed: 94o.

Weekend Update with Kevin NealonRecurring Characters: Opera Man.

Elijah The ProphetSummary: Elijah the Prophet (Jerry Seinfeld) appears at a Jewish family Passover meal, and proceeds to insult them in an arrogant manner.

Recurring Characters: Jesus.

Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Black ManSummary: Lank Thompson (Mike Myers) extend his Handsome course to include the Black man (Tim Meadows).

Recurring Characters: Lank Thompson.

Transcript

PosturesSummary: Employees assume odd postures molded by their permanent positions within the office.

Transcript

Annie Lennox performs “Legend In My Living Room”

I’m Chillin’Recurring Characters: Onski, B Fats.

The Lenny Wise ShowSummary: Radio talk show host Lenny Wise (Phil Hartman) welcomes Superman (Jerry Seinfeld) to the show, and listeners have less than kind words to say to the Man of Steel.

Recurring Characters: Superman.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 18

91r: Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox

Lank Thompson’s “I’m A Handsome Black Man”

Lank Thompson…..Mike Myers
…..Tim Meadows
Regular Black Man…..Chris Rock
Janice…..Ellen Cleghorne
Bartender…..Chris Farley
Testimonial #1…..Rob Schneider
Testimonial #2…..Phil Hartman

Lank Thompson: Hi! My name is Lank Thompson! I’m a handsome man! [ laughs handsomely ] Oh, I wasn’t always handsome – I used to be plain. [ holds up old photo ] But then I developed my courses: “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Man”, and “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Actor.” These courses have been available for over a year, and the rsponse has been, frankly, overwhelming! [ laughs ] And now, I’m proud to introduce my latest course: “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Black Man.” Perhaps you are familiar with Billy Dee Williams, Blair Underwood, and Don Cornelius. They’re all graduates of my course, “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Black Man.” And now, I’d like you to meet another one of my success stories.

Tim Meadows: [ enters, sporting a handsome moustache ] Hi! I’mTim Meadows, and I’m a handsome black man! [ laughs handsomely with Lank ] I wasn’t a handsome black man. I used to be a plain black man. [ holds up old photo ] But thanks to your course, now I look.. fan–tastic!

Lank Thompson: You know, the basic techniques are covered in my first tape – “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Man”. And they helped form the core of “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Black Man.” Let’s have a look. They are: “Smile When You Talk.”

Tim Meadows: [ demonstrating, smiles ] It’s great to be here!

Lank Thompson: Great to have you! [ they laugh ] 2: “Maintain Eye Contact.” Do you understand? [ stares ]

Tim Meadows: Yes, I understand. [ stares back – they laugh ]

Lank Thompson: 3: “Be Tastefully Tactile.” [ turns to Tim ] You’re very important to me.

Tim Meadows: Get outta here! [ they laugh ]

Lank Thompson: You know, there are some techniques that are unique to the handsome black man. Technique #1: “The Two-Handed Shake.” The handsome black man greets everyone with a shake that says, “Hey.. you’re improtant to me!” Let’s watch Tim in action.

[ cut to demonstration – Tim enters a club and approaches a black womanand a white man ]

Tim Meadows: [ two-hand shakes the white man’s hand ] How you doing? Welcome to the club! [ turns to the black woman and two-hand shakes her hand ] You look.. fan–tastic! [ his guests laugh with him ]

Lank Thompson: And, of course, the variation of the Two-Hand Shake – the “One-Hand Shake-Hug.

[ cut to demonstration – Tim approaches two black men ]

Regular Black Man: Do you know Jim?

Tim Meadows: Know him? We’re like brothers! [ gives him a One-Hand Shake-Hug, then exits scene ]

Regular Black Man: I like that he shook my one hand, then hugged me with the other arm!

Regular Black Man: That’s a handsome black man!

Lank Thompson: Technique #2: When talking to women, deepen your voice.

[ cut to demonstration – Tim at a bar with a few other black men ]

Tim Meadows: [ in regular voice ] I’ll see you guys later. [ turns to black woman next to him, deepens voice ] Hello. I’m Tim.

Janice: I’m Janice.

Tim Meadows: [ deep ] Hello, Janet.

Lank Thompson: That brings us to Techgnique #3: When talking to a woman for the first time, the handsome black man notices her strongest feature, calls attention to it, and uses it as a nickname.

Tim Meadows: [ deep ] I think you got beautiful eyes. I’m gonna call you “Sweet Eyes!” They are fan–tastic! [ laughs handsomely, and walks away ]

Janice: [ to a friend next to her ] Damn, he’s handsome! I like the way he noticed my eyes, and then immediately incorporated then into a nickname!

Lank Thompson: Technique #4: The handsome black man laughs immediately at any mildly humorous story or quip, and acknowledges the universal truth in it.

[ cut to demonstration – Tim talking to a bartender ]

Tim Meadows: Hey, Jimmy, what’s the word on the street?

Bartender: Two fly sisters came in here looking for Michael Jackson tickets. I told them, “Don’t be a dog in the manger!”

Tim Meadows: [ laughs ] Fan–tastic! [ laughs again ] I know what you mean!

Lank Thompson: [ laughing ] He’s a handsome black man! And you can be, too! Here’s how to order.

Announcer: To order “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Black Man”, call 1-800-555-0199.

Lank Thompson: Alright, we’re back! Now it’s time for questions. Yes – you!

Testimonial #1: Hi, I took your course, “Lank Thompson: I’m AHandsome Man”.. and I loved it. I just wanted to say Thank You.

Lank Thompson: Thank you! You’re a handsome man! Yes – you.

Testimonial #2: I also took your course, and I loved it. I’m aMestiso Indian. Is there a course for me?

Lank Thompson: Okay, hold on.. not yet! Alright. But, eventually, I will have a course for all men of Andean tribes! Well, that’s all the time we have. Now, go on! Be handsome!

[ Tim comes back out, and the two handsome man give each other handsomehandshakes until the scene fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 18

91r: Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox

The Lenny Wise Show

Lenny Wise…..Phil Hartman
Superman…..Jerry Seinfeld
Caller #1…..Tom Davis
Caller #2…..Julia Sweeney

Announcer: Live, from Metropolis, it’s “The Lenny Wise Show”. Now, once again, the host of our program, Lenny Wise.

Lenny Wise: [ interviewing Superman ] What’s your biggest regret? Or, let me put it another way: If you had one wish, what would it be?

Superman: Hmm.. I’d like to go back to Krypton. To go back to Krypton, that’s what I’d like to go. to see what it was like before it blew up.

Lenny Wise: Your father was a brilliant man. I’m talking about your real father, Jor-El.

Superman: Oh, yeah. He was Krypton’s greatest scientist. But the sad thing was, they wouldn’t listen to him!

Lenny Wise: Did your mother work?

Superman: I don’t know. Maybe. Before I was born, I don’t know. Because, don’t forget, I was still just a baby when the whole planet blew up!

Lenny Wise: Our guest is Superman, the lines are open! When you get up in the morning, do you think about kryptonite? Is it something that’s on your mind? I mean, do you say, “Uh-oh! I hope I don’t run into some kryptonite today!”

Superman: Not really, no. I don’t think you can live your life worried about kryptonite! You know? I’m just trying to go about my business, and I don’t think about it.

Lenny Wise: How much kryptonite do you think is out there?

Superman: I have no idea.

Lenny Wise: No idea?

Superman: No. It could be anything!

Lenny Wise: Does it make you uncomfortable discussing kyrptonite?

Superman: No, not really.. But, like I said, it’s just something I can’t control, so why worry about it!

Lenny Wise: Does it bother you that you can’t see through lead?

Superman: It did, at the beginning, yeah. I remember the first time that it happened. I said, “Hey, what the heck is going on here?” But, eventually, I got used to it.

Lenny Wise: You stopped aging when?

Superman: When I was 30.

Lenny Wise: Becuase, if you were born on this planet, you’d be, what, in your fifties now, no?

Superman: Yeah. That’s just about right..

Lenny Wise: Let’s take a call! Okay, Smallville, Indiana!

Caller #1: Hello, Superman?

Superman: Yes. Hello, Sir.

Caller #1: Superman? This is.. this is Al McKay. Remember? I.. I used to live three houses down from Lex Luthor? On Pine Street?

Superman: Oh, yes! Yes! How are you, Mr. McKay?

Lenny Wise: What’s your question?

Caller #1: Just wanted to say hello.

Lenny Wise: You knew Lex Luthor in Smallville, right?

Superman: Yes, that’s right.

Lenny Wise: And the two of you used to be good friends.

Superman: Right.

Lenny Wise: What happened?

Superman: Well, this one day I flew over his house, and I accidentally set his lab on fire.. and that’s how he became bald. And I’m afraid he’s had it in for me ever since.

Lenny Wise: Did you ever sit down and say, “Hey, Lex! Come on! It was an accident!”

Superman: Oh, sure..

Lenny Wise: No dice?

Superman: No. He’s a pretty strange fellow.

Lenny Wise: What do you do for fun? How do you relax?

Superman: I like to play Scrabble.

Lenny Wise: Do you play in costume, or in your secret identity?

Superman: Oh, yeah, in the costume!

Lenny Wise: Well.. it must be pretty daunting to be sitting across from you while you’re in your costume?

Superman: [ laughing ] Well, not really, Len! You still gotta get the letters! I mean, if I’m picking vowels all game, costume or not, I’m not gonna win!

Lenny Wise: You mean, you’ve lost at Scrabble?

Superman: Oh, sure! Many times!

Lenny Wise: Okay, let’s take another call! Hello, Metropolis!

Caller #2: Yes? Superman? I’d like to know why, during the garbage strike last year, you sat around for two weeks doing nothing, while Metropolis smelled like a pig sty!

Superman: [ annoyed ] Well, ma’am, I just didn’t feel like picking up all that garbage!

Caller #2: Oh, you didn’t feel like it? Well, where do you come off?

Superman: Oh, like I don’t do enough?

Caller #2: The whole thing would have taken you ten minutes!

Superman: First of all, nothing takes ten minutes!

Caller #2: Oh, come on! You could have fused the garbage into a big ball and hurled it out into space!

Superman: Yeah, fine. Yeah. You know!

Caller #2: Superman. What a joke! Why don’t you just go.. [ bleep ]

Lenny Wise: [ laughing ] Who-ho-ho-ho! Uh.. she’s obviously pretty upset. And, I have to say, Superman, a lot of people were upset about that garbage situation.

Superman: Well, I’m sorry, Len! I’m just not going around picking up everybody’s garbage! I mean, I do what I can, but I’m not a garbageman! That’s where I draw the line!

Lenny Wise: Okay. [ laughs ] No argumrent here. You know, there’s a rumor that Iran is stockpiling kryptonite.

Superman: [ pause ] Yeah, I’ve heard that..

Lenny Wise: Okay.. if I came across a piece of kryptonite, how much do you think it would be worth?

Superman: Can you give me a break with the kryptonite?

[ closing music pots up ]

Lenny Wise: Well, it looks like we’re just about out of time. I’d like to thank my guest Superman for being with us.

Superman: Yeah, it’s a pleasure.

Lenny Wise: Before you go, any chance of telling us your secret identity?

Superman: Sure, I’m.. [ mumbles into Lenny’s ear ]

Lenny Wise: Wh-what was that? [ laughing ] Seriously, come back again! Tomorrow night, Michael Fenwick, currently starring in “A Horrible Coincedence”. Good night, everybody.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Jiffy Pop Air Bag

Spokesman…..Phil Hartman
EMS…..Tim Meadows
Driver…..Melanie Hutsell

Spokesman: If you’re concerned about auto safety, you probably know about this.. [ holds up air bag ] ..the air bag. Experts agree it’s your best chance of surviving a collision. But there’s one drawback to the concentional air bag – it may save your life, but what do you eat while waiting for help to arrive? We at Jiffy Pop think we have the answer – the Jiffy Pop Air Bag. [ Air Bag pops open ] It’s quick, and easy.

[ show demonstration of car engine ]

Upon impact, the Jiffy Pop kernals in the steering column are instantly fed to the engine block, where they’re with oil from the crankcase. As the corn is popped, the bag expands, protecting the driver from injury, and, best of all, providing a delicious low-calorie treat. It’s as fun to eat as it is to make.

[ show Actual Reenactment ]

EMS: [ rushes to smashed car ] Are you okay?

Driver: [ calmly eating her popcorn ] Mmm-hmm. How the other driver?

EMS: Not too good. How’s the Jiffy Pop?

Driver: Great!

[ pan to Spokesman in foreground ]

Spokesman: The Jiffy Pop Air Bag. Because we don’t want you to walk away from your next accident on an empty stomach.

Announcer: The Jiffy Pop Air Bag. Now in Chedder Cheese.

[ SUPER: “Warning: During collision, some kernals may remain unpopped” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 13

91m: Jason Priestly / Teenage Fan Club

Olympic Figure Skating

Verne Lundquist…..Phil Hartman
Scott Hamilton…..Dana Carvey
Brian Deming…..Jason Priestly
Tracey Wilson…..Julia Sweeney

(The opening animation of CBS’s coverage of the XVI Winter Games in Albertville is shown)

Verne Lundquist: Hello, I’m Verne Lundquist. We’re about to witness one of those dramatic moments that makes The winter Olympics, we here at CBS are associated with. Brian Deming, a young man from Rockford, Illinois, a real Cinderella story. A man who was not expected to win a medal here in Albertville. Can with an impressive performance tonight Vault himself into contention into the Gold Medal in Men’s Figure Skating. Our own Scott Hamilton is with us. (Scott appears) Scott, what does Brian need tonight.

Scott Hamilton: Well Verne, Brian needs a 5.6. That’s a 5.6 to pass Alexander Yolonov for a silver medal and he needs a 5.8 for a gold. He can’t afford a big mistake but I watched Brian in practice today and he was exquisite. All he has to do is skate the program he skated this afternoon and Brian will have his medal.

(Brian skates onto the ice)

Verne Lundquist: Thank you Scott. Here’s Brian now, he’s taking his position on the ice. (Brian’s mother is shown in the crowd) And there we see Brian’s mother, the woman the story of sacrifice, we are all very familiar with. Driving Brian 120 miles every day, back and forth to Chicago seven days a week, fifty two weeks a year for sixteen years so he could train with Marty Schienholtz. Quite a story. We have reached the moment of truth. Let’s watch [The music starts and Brian starts skating]

Scott Hamilton: What a bold choice of music. Now this first move coming up is a triple twist lutz. It’s very crucial to his per— (Brian jumps and wipes out)

Verne and Scott: Oh!

Scott Hamilton: Well, that’s too bad. That’ll cost him the gold.

Verne Lundquist: Oh that’s a shame, Scott.

Scott Hamilton: Yes, very very disappointing. But he’s not letting up. He still looks like he can really— (Brian jumps and wipes out again)

Verne and Scott: Oh!

Scott Hamilton: Well, that’ll cost him even the bronze.

Verne Lundquist: Really, just for that fall.

Scott Hamilton: Yes, it was just so totally out of control.

Verne Lundquist: But he’s gotten up and he’s continuing on.

Scott Hamilton: Yes, you really have to admire how this man has hung in there and– (Brian wipes out again)

Verne and Scott: Oh!

Verne Lundquist: What was he trying there?

Scott Hamilton: Well that was a double axel, Verne, but he must’ve caught an edge because he just wiped out.

Verne Lundquist: But he’s up again. What courage. It looks like he’s perhaps injured himself.

Scott Hamilton: Yes, he seems to be favoring his— (Brian just falls down this time)

Verne and Scott: Oh!

Scott Hamilton: Well, that was awful.

Verne Lundquist: He should quit now, shouldn’t he?

Scott Hamilton: Yes, he’s just totally out of his routine. I would say he’s completely— (Brian falls again)

Verne and Scott: Oh!

(Cut to Verne and Scott)

Verne Lundquist: Could this cause permanent—

Verne and Scott: Oh!

Verne Lundquist: permanent—

Verne and Scott: Oh!

Verne Lundquist: damage?

Scott Hamilton: Yes, he really should—

Verne and Scott: Oh!

Scott Hamilton: Someone should really stop this, but Olympic rules prohibit—

Verne and Scott: Oh!

Scott Hamilton: anyway from actually—

[Cut back to the ice where Brian is now sliding on his belly]

Verne and Scott: Oh!

Scott Hamilton: You know, I think the important thing about the Olympics is (Brian falls again) to come here to Olympics and compete and give it your best and I can say as a former Olympian is the greatest thrill is just having been there. (Brian crashes into the boards) And that’s something that Brian will have for the rest of his life.

Verne Lundquist: Oh, who’s skating next Scott?

Scott Hamilton: Randy Bauer from Germany Verne. He’s a very graceful and technical superior skater, but he doesn’t have the flamboyance of a Franz Pennick.

Verne Lundquist: Franz from Switzerland, a civil worker from Zurich whose wife is expecting a baby at any minute.

Scott Hamilton: Yes, quite a human drama there.

Verne Lundquist: And of course we’ll be going to highlights of the Women’s Alpine Skiing later in the broadcast and that exciting run Uli Gerhart this afternoon in the Giant Slalom. But back to Brian Deming who appears to be wrapping up his heroic performance here in Albertville, yes. (Brian finishes with a gash over his right eye and a bloody lip) We are waiting for Brian’s scores. Right now, let’s go down to Tracey Wilson who’s with Brian.

[Cut to Tracey and a completely out of breath Brian]

Tracey Wilson: Brian, that was a bold choice of music. (Brian nods)

[The scores appear on the screen]

Tracey Wilson: Here are the scores, (FRA) 0.1, (AUS) 0.1, (USA) 0.1, (EUN) 0.0, that’s the Russian judge. (CAN) Oh, theres a 0.2, (GER) and another 0.0, (GBR) and another 0.0. Brian, are you disappointed? (Brian nods) Brian, is there anything that you can say?

Brian Deming: (grabs the mike) LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

| http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | Charter Communications Package Deals

Air Date:

Host:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 22nd, 1992

Roseanne Arnold

Tom Arnold

Red Hot Chili Peppers

Madonna

Barbra Streisand

Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Under The Bridge”

A Message from the President of the United States

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

Roseanne & Tom Arnold’s Monologue

Roseanne and Tom are hard-pressed for new information to divulge about themselves.

Dick Clark’s Receptionist

Snotty receptionist (David Spade) won’t let Roseanne and others see boss Dick Clark.

Recurring Characters: Jesus.

Coffee Talk

Linda (Mike Myers) and friend Liz (Madonna) are shocked to see Barbra Streisand.

Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.

Tall Tales of the Recession

CEO (Tom) maintains desire to fire a greater number of employees at a faster rate.

Red Hot Chili Peppers performs “Stone Cold Bush”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Recurring Characters: Grumpy Old Man.

Delta Delta Delta

Recurring Characters: Pam, Di, Meg.

A Star Is Born

When Tom feeds off Roseanne’s success, he becomes the bigger star.

Daily Affirmation

Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

Red Hot Chili Peppers performs “Under The Bridge”

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

The most dangerous animal in the world.

SNL Transcripts

A Message From the President of the United States

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
Dan Quayle…..Jeff Renaudo

President George Bush: Well, good evening! You know, this is the first I’ve talked to you, the American people, since Tuesday, the day the people of New Hampshire delivered their message. Yes, I got it! Now, message received, loud and clear. Thank you, people of New Hampshire. You did your job, sent me the message, the message I got. Roger, Wilco! [ laughs ] Message received! You know, came in this ear, bounced around this cranial area right here, going round and round and round. Didn’t come out this ear – stopped! Got it!

Now, don’t worry, you Super Tuesday people. New Hampshire did your work, they sent their message.. [ mimics telegraph ] ..got it! Received! Got it, didn’t want to get it, but got it, got it good! And just to show you I got the message – and I got it – gonna write it down, message right here. [ takes out piece of paper and a marker ] Message being written right now. I’m moving the implement that will form the letters that will spell said message, the message that I got. And here is that message.. [ holds up sign reading “You’re Pissed!” ]

[ Dan Quayle enters ]

Dan Quayle: Hi, George!

President George Bush: Well! Dan! My little Vice-President! Well, come on up here, Skipper! [ sits Quayle on his lap ] Look at you, growing like a weed, there! Sprouting up.. looks like somebody needs a trim!

Dan Quayle: We did good in New Hampshire, didn’t we, George? We got 53%! We won!

President George Bush: Well, Dan, that’s nice of you to say. But, let me tell you, for a sitting President, 53% is not good. It’s bad! It’s bad!

Dan Quayle: But you’ll beat Buchanan, won’t you! He’s ugly! [ hides his head in Bush’s arms ]

President George Bush: Oh, now, now, now.. He’s very emotional. now, Dan, take her easy. He’s not as cute as you are, little Skipper – never will be – but we don’t want to go negative. You see, the people were sending us a message. They don’t think we care about them.

Dan Quayle: But we do! We do care!

President George Bush: Well, now, good, DAn.. that’s good. Smart boy, talented.. always learning, always growing.. give me a smile. Give me a smile. Love those pearly whites! Well, now, run along now, someone’s bedtime, there you go!

Dan Quayle: [ gets up ] We’re gonna win! [ exits ]

President George Bush: Alright.. atta boy.. Bush.. Bush/Buchanan.. nah.. [ laughs ] To sum up: message received; Roger, Wilco; got the message.. [ holds up sign ]; no more message needed, got it; Dan Quayle, still gaining acceptance; “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiigghhhtttt!!“

SNL Transcripts

Coffee Talk

Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Liz…..Madonna
Liz’a Mother…..Roseanne Arnold
Caller #1…..Julia Sweeney
Caller #2…..Adam Sandler

Linda Richman: Welcome to “Coffee Talk”. I’m your host, Linda Richman. First of all, I want to say “Happy Birthday” to my daughter, Robin – “Happy Birthday, Bubala.” Now, this show used to be hosted by my friend Paul Baldwin, but he developed shpilkes in his geneckte gezeugte. For now, he’s in Boca Raton, Florida, recovering, thank you very much. This is my best friend, Liz Rosenberg.

[ camera pans to Liz ]

Liz: Linda, don’t talk to me, I’m having a bad hair day. By the way, this is my mother.. [ camera pans to Liz’s Mother ] ..she’s visiting from Scottsdale.

Liz’s Mother: I live in Scottsdale for my health. I have troublewith my, uh.. woman’s problem, and I’m gassy. But don’t worry, I promise I won’t say anything, I’ll sit here in the dark like a dog!

Liz: Mommala, no one wants to hear how gassy you are! [ to Linda ] You don’t know the sirus I’ve had with woman! Dr. Kevorkian, you can expect a call from me anytime!

Linda Richman: Okay. Now, this show is dedicated, as ever, toBarbra Joan Streisand. Yes. We love her. And, of course, the big news – “Prince of Tides”. 7 Oscar nominations total, including Best Picture. But Barbra did not get a nomination for Best Director.

Liz: Long story short – I love “Prince of Tides”. It wasto die for! And to think a poor little mescite from Brooklyn made this masterpiece, and she’s not getting any recognition for it.. [ near tears ] I’m sorry, but I get a little choked up!

Linda Richman: Please! Do not get me started. It’s so unfair!Now I’m getting emotional, I’m a little verklempt!

Liz: You’re verklempt? I’m verklempt!

Linda Richman: I’m sorry. Talk amongst yourselves! [ pause ]There. It passed.

Liz’s Mother: You know, I once knew this guy who had a gall bladder thing.. he passed out, and it exploded! It happened, you know?

Liz: Mommala, shh!

Liz’s Mother: Fine! I’ll sit over in the corner and eat wetcigarette butts.

Liz: Mommala, please stop complaining! [ to Linda ] Can youbelieve this woman! I know she’s my mother, I shouldn’t say this.. but I’m going to her condo now, and it’s starting to smell from old lady!

Linda Richman: Okay, let’s take a call. The number is 555-4444.Welcome to “Coffee Talk”. Call! We’ll talk, no big whoop!

Caller #1: Hello, Linda? Did you see Barbra on “Larry King Live”?

Linda Richman: Yes, I did. A full hour of Barbra, it was likeheroin! Not that I know what it’s like, it’s what I understand it’slike on “20/20”.

Liz: Yes! Barbra was so beautiful in the movie. Did you see her nails? They were like butter!

Linda Richman: Butter! Like butter! Those legs in those sparkling stockings – again, butter! Welcome to “Coffee Talk”, the number is 555-4444.

Caller #2: Hello, Linda? I just wanted to say I love your show!

Linda Richman: Thank you very much. You’re a beatiful person.Don’t go changing just to please me, I’ll tumble for you. Go on.

Liz: So funny, you are!

Linda Richman: Did you see Barbra on “60 Minutes”?

Linda Richman: Yes, I did. Ugh! That Mike Wallace was not verynice to her.

Liz: What he did to her, I wouldn’t wish on my worse enemy’s dog – poof, poof!

Liz’s Mother: Well, what about what you do to me, telling me toshut up all the time? You’re just like your father – he tells me to shut up all the time, and then.. then he runs away with some young magician’s assistant!

Liz: He ran away because you wouldn’t stop talking already!

Liz’s Mother: P.S. That’s what Hitler said to me and our peopleduring the two wars!

Liz: P.S., Mommala, you lived in Miami during the two wars! You’re driving everyone crazy! You drove your husband crazy, and now you’re driving me crazy!

Liz’s Mother: [ crying ] You’re right.. it was all me!

Liz: Oh, I forgive you, Mommala! I love you, Mommala!

Liz’s Mother: I love you!

[ they hug ]

Linda Richman: This is so “Prince of Tides”! The scene where Nick Nolte reconciles with Kate Nelligan – now I’m getting verklempt!

Liz: We’re all verklempt!

Linda Richman: I’m sorry. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic: The Romanesque church design was based on a Roman basillica. Discuss. [ pause ] Okay. There. I feel better.

Liz: Me, too. Thanks, God, for waterproof Lancomb.

Liz’s Mother: Hey! I want to take a call! Welcome to “CoffeeTalk”, who’s this? Hello? Hello, talk.

Caller #3: Hello, Linda? I think Barbra should do a duet withMadonna.

Liz: Ech! I don’t like that Madonna – she’s a kulver! She’s a tramp! Every week with a different boyfriend! And this week, in the paper with no clothes on – ech! Who needs her?

Linda Richman: Still, that’s some body she has. You should have that body. Did you see her legs? They’re like butter! Like two sticks of butter lashed together in a roughhewn manner.

Liz: Kulver!

Liz’s Mother: [ coughs up hairball ] So new, I hear Madonna’s aMexican, but she doesn’t want anyone to know about it, I read it in theStar!

Liz: Please, don’t listen to my mother. I love her, but she’s alittle ibaboodle in the capi..

Linda Richman: Relax. Relax, darlin, we’re all mishputka. Alright. Well, that’s all the time we have this week. My name is Linda Richman.

Liz: And my name is Liz – of course, this is my mother. Barbra,we love you – hello, gorgeous! The movie was like butter!

Linda Richman: Like butter.

Liz’s Mother: Like a big stick of butter!

Liz: Mommala! Oy!

[ Barbra Streisand sneaks unsuspectingly onto the set ]

Barbra Streisand: All this talk about food, I’m getting hungry,girls!

[ Linda, Liz, and Liz’s Mother scream in bewildered surprise ]

Linda Richman: Oh, my God! It’s Barbra! It’s Barbra! You’re beatiful! It’s Barbra! Oh! I can die now! Barbra, you’re beautiful! That’s all the time we have, I have to go and die now! Barbra!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts