Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Appreciate it, don’t have time for it. What’s your question?
Cedric V/O: Oh. Well, my new wife’s parents –
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: New wife? Hmm. New wife. What happened to the old wife, huh? Do we just sort of trade her in for a new model when she started making a knocking sound?
Cedric V/O: Well.. actually.. she died. But my new in-laws are-
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Hmm.. I guess we’re only concerned with the new wife’s parents. I guess when old wifey died, the rest of the family just went down with the ship! What’s your question?
Cedric V/O: Um.. I was wondering if I should-
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No, no. Wonder is a brand of bread. Don’t wonder. Ask.
Cedric V/O: But, uh..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Butts are found in ashtrays, and on your new trophy wife. What is the question?
Cedric V/O: I know, I know.. I..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No! “No” is something you should have said before you murdered your wife and ran off with your babysitter!
Cedric V/O: Uh.. uh..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Uh, uh, uh. Question would be nice. Thank you very much for wasting my time. Nice world, huh? [ snickers ] I’m Dr. Laura. Janine, welcome to the program.
Janine V/O: [ emotional from the start ] Hi, Dr. Laura. I’m a little nervous.. this is.. this is very hard for me to talk about..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Janine, this is only a four-hour show. What is your question?
Janine V/O: Oh. Um.. well.. I have four children, and I’m a single mom. My ex-husband won’t leave us alone. I mean, he comes around drunk all the time.. he.. he upsets the kids.. I’m just tired of being treated badly..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Wow.. that sounds difficult. Do you have a job, Janine?
Janine V/O: Uh.. n-no.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Can I suggest one? How about catering your own pity party? Boo-hoo and diddly-do! The father of your children, drunk or sober, has the right to visit his kids any time he jolly well pleases, until the day he dies!
Janine V/O: [ angered ] But, Dr. Laura!
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Janine, Janine.. you are trapped, alright? You have dug your own grave and buried yourself under eight feet of dirt!
Janine V/O: You don’t understand!
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: You are stuck, my dear! You have sealed yourself alive in a pine coffin, where you will surely suffocate!
Janine V/O: [ desperately ] Please stop!
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No, no, face it! Your choice is.. your choice is, Janine, the only thing you have to look forward to is the sweet release of death!
[ a gun shot is heard over the phone ]
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: For the parents out there who take their commitments seriously, you may know today is Take Your Child to Work Day. And since I am my kid’s mom, here’s my kid, Derek.
[ Derek stumbles into the control booth ]
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Hi, sweetie! Gonna help Momma with the sickos?
Derek: [ sniffs the microphone ] This microphone stinks like Rocky.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Momma had some lunch. Momma had some lunch. Alright, come on, push a button, let’s do it. I’m Dr. Laura, and who are you, Derek?
Derek: I’m my mom’s kid!
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [ snickers ] Kendall. What’s your question?
Kendall V/O: Uh, hi, Dr. Laura. I have a moral dilemma. I work for an Internet Service Provider –
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No, Kendall. I would say if you work for an Internet, you are a moral dilemma, my friend.
Derek: Ha ha ha. Mommy said the information highway is filled with.. godless truck stop whores!
Kendall V/O: Well, your mom must be one of them, because I just went online and ordered up photos of her steamed crab special.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [ stunned ] No, no.. that’s alright. I would like to address those pictures of mre I would like to take this moment to apologize to all my listeners, for arousing this smut-driven pervert with pictures of my stunningly beautiful, twenty-eight year-old form! Shame on you, caller!
Kendall V/O: Well, shame on you, Dr. Laura. Because I downloaded your picture, and FYI, your bony little rack makes a great screensaver!
Derek: Ha ha ha! Mommy.. made.. dirty pictures of.. her and.. uh.. beaver..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Derek, inside voice. Inside voice.
Derek: I’m hungry, I have the farts.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Go eat your Lunchables in the limo with Constantina. Mommy’s gonna put a trace on that last bastard. I’m Dr. Laura, now go take on the day!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 7th, 1998 David Spade Eagle-Eye Cherry None Brad Pitt Chris Rock David Spade’s Therapy SessionSummary: Prior to coming back to Studio 8-H to host “Saturday Night Live,” David Spade outlines his fear of success to his therapist, Brad Pitt. Transcript
Montage
David Spade’s MonologueSummary: David Spade jokes about about the suspects on “COPS” and a drunken encounter with polar bears at the zoo. Also Hosted: 04n.
Mercury MistressSummary: The luxury car that drivers can have sex with. Transcript
Monica’s InterviewersRecurring Characters: Monica Lewinsky, Barbara Walters, Larry Flynt, Diane Sawyer, Phil Donahue, Howard Stern, Oprah Winfrey.
Mack North ISummary: After beating his opponent Fred Peete in the 6th District race by 8%, Mack North (Will Ferrell) gloats of his victory in a post-election attack ad. Transcript
Accruing Equity & Making Hot, Sweet LoveSummary: Lawrence Greekmont (Will Ferrell) and his guest panelists will discuss the day’s financial news after they get down to the real business – talking about making sweet love. Transcript
Mack North IISummary: In his second post-election attack ad, Mack North (Will Ferrell) harrasses loser Fred Peete (Chris Parnell) in a Target parking lot. Transcript
The Sensitive Drill Sergeant
Mango & KiwiRecurring Characters: Mango, Harvey.
Mack North IIISummary: In his final post-election attack ad, Mack North (Will Ferrell) mocks loser Fred Peete with a face mask.
Happy Birthday, GrandmaSummary: A dad (Wil Ferrell) forces his three kids to sing “Happy Birthday” over the phone to Grandma, and they’d better not screw up and make him look like an ass.
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: David Spade returns to the Update desk to deliver a Hollywood Minute, with a little help from a David Spade hand puppet. Transcript
Eagle-Eye Cherry performs “Save Tonight”
“Felicity” Shoot
Dr. LauraSummary: Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Ana Gasteyer) berates her callers on Take Your Child to Work Day. Transcript
Bachelor PartySummary: Shane the Chaperone (David Spade) outlines the ground rules to a group of guys attending a bachelor party. Transcript
…..Colin Quinn …..Jimmy Fallon Yasser Arafat…..Chris Kattan Benjamin Netanyahu…..Will Ferrell
[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]
Colin Quinn: Oh, folks! That’s all right! Thank you, folks! All right!
As we all know by now, yesterday Arafat and Netanyahu signed the Wye Memorandum, an historic peace agreement. Now today the Israeli and Palestinian people are receiving the news. The Israelis don’t like this, the Palestinians don’t like this. Everybody is a Monday morning quarterback. It’s different when you’re the one that has to negotiate, you know? It’s like when you have the girlfriend you broke up with, and you’re going to meet her, and your friends are saying, “Don’t give in! Don’t get back together!” You’re going, “I won’t.” And then you come back and you know, you’re like, “Listen, we – we’re going back out, but listen to me.” “Noo! You sold out!” “No, no! Wait! She’s not gonna be like she was, she told me what really happened that night!” You know?
Then they got King Hussein getting out of his sick bed for this, the guy has cancer. They had to give in! All right? He’s over at the Mayo Clinic, that’s how slick Clinton is. Clinton’s like the good cop, then he gets King Hussein to be the bad cop. They woke him up, he’s got his robe on, you know? He’s like, [imitating King Hussein] “Aaaggh…what are you doing?! You’re acting like children! I’m sick and tired, I’m trying to run a country over here! You better straighten out! I have to get up early in the morning, I’m not kidding.”…My Hussein impression.
Clinton is doing some good things, you have to give Clinton that. Peace in the– Northern Ireland, peace in the Middle East. I heard next, he’s going over to Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown’s house, and checkin’ that out. Come on!
[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: All right! I’m Fred Savage! No, I’m Colin Quinn.
Now this week, President Clinton appointed John Podesta as his new Chief of Staff. The President said he gave Podesta the job because he hates him.
Former White House spokesman Mike McCurry praised the President, saying that he’s a richly qualified leader, but that he was exasperatingly stupid in his personal life. Translation: he always goes for the ugly ones.
Folks, NASA announced that John Glenn would not participate in one age-related test during his upcoming space flight. While Glenn has agreed to be subjected to numerous tests, he put his foot down when NASA wanted to perform an autopsy. I don’t blame him. [not much reaction] All right, he’s a national hero. What do you want?
Byron Looper, a Republican candidate for the state senate in Tennessee, has been arrested for shooting his opponent dead. Today, the NRA said, “Are we endorsing this guy? Hell, yeah!”
In the new issue of Mirabella magazine, Kenneth Starr’s wife claims that President Clinton is a sex addict. Clinton responded, “Hey, let me see that magazine! They got some hot girls in there!”…Ah, a little acting, folks. Come on.
Scientists have developed a device that can be implanted in the brain to allow a person to move a computer cursor just by thinking about it. Bill Gates has ordered that all babies manufactured after February 1st, 2001 be fitted with this device. [chuckles mockingly]
The schoolboy…the schoolboy who fathered two children with his jailed teacher, Mary Kay LeTourneau, made a dramatic plea to have her released from prison this week. Not so easy to get a date in the real world, is it kid?…All right. [some cheers and applause]
And now, with some thoughts on trick-or-treating, Jimmy Fallon.
[pan over to Jimmy, who’s holding a guitar]
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks a lot. Thanks, Colin! Yeah, you know uh…I realize that I’m too old to be dressing up for trick-or-treating. And yet I still want to go to g – uh, people’s houses and ring their doorbells, you know? So this year…this year I’m going Halloween caroling.
Colin: Halloween caroling?
Jimmy: Yeah, yeah. This is, uh, it’s where I write Halloween versions of my favorite songs. I go up to people’s doorbells, ring ’em, and then do a little of this:
[plays guitar and sings a parody of “A Long December” by Counting Crows]
“And it’s seven more days left in October And it’s one more week ’til Halloween But it’s been so long since I trick-or-treated I think I should Na na na na, yeah [cheers and applause] Yeah…” [end of song]
Colin: Um…so what do they do?
Jimmy: They give me candy. You know, I – I just ring the doorbell and I go, uh…
[plays guitar and sings a parody of “3 AM” by Matchbox 20]
“Well, she said, “It’s cold outside,” I said, “It’s October.” And when we get to the party We see someone else is dressed like Jenny McCarthy And she says, “Baby, I thought that I’d be the one and only.” And she says, “Baby, Let’s have a drink and then leave, I mean, oh, I’m pissed; Can’t believe someone else wore the same costume.”” [end of song]
See, like, everyone can do it, [cheers and applause] you know?…Yeah!…Yeah, everyone can do it, it’s easy. I – e – even – even girls can do it. Here’s Alanis Morissette:
[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Thank U” by Alanis Morissette]
“How about mini candy bars, aren’t they moronic? [applause] How about cheap people that give you bags of pennies, yeah Thank U, Mike and Ike Thank U, candy corn Thank U, thank U, Smarties.” [end of song; cheers and applause]
So like, this year…so this year…[laughs] get ready, you know? ‘Cause uh, if this thing catches on, you know…if this thing catches on, somebody might ring your doorbell and go, uh…
[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Sex and Candy” by Marcy Playground]
“I have eggs and candy here Shaving cream is in my hair Shine my flashlight at people that stare in my direction Mama, this is Happy Halloween to you [cheers and applause] Yeah, mama, this is Happy Halloween.” [end of song]
Colin: Jimmy Fallon, everybody!
Jimmy: Thank you very much.
Colin: Aw, thank you, Jimmy!
[Colin and Jimmy shake hands]
There’s a debate, folks, over the effectiveness of these new smart guns, that will only fire when a computer chip in the gun recognizes the gun owner. See, I don’t trust that. Sometimes I have to swipe my ATM card through the slot a couple of times. You know, you’re gonna be out there like, [makes a gun with his hand] “Freeze! Wait, I forgot my PIN number!”…[not much reaction] Jimmy Fallon!
Scientists…scientists, folks. Scientists want to study the DNA of a chimp and a human to determine what genes make a human a human. They also want to study what makes a monkey windsurfer [clip of a monkey windsurfing] so funny.
Archaeologists in Jerusalem have uncovered a jug from Roman times that contains 200 to 400 gold coins. Experts believe it may have been Jesus’ laundry money….[not much reaction] Come on! What are ya…[mutters something]
Supermodel Naomi Campbell was slapped with an eight-million-dollar damage suit for allegedly bashing her secretary’s skull with a telephone. Sources say Campbell could have saved nearly two million on this incident if she had MCI.
Earlier this week, the Nevada State Gaming Commission voted to allow Mike Tyson to return to boxing. An important factor was testimony on Tyson’s behalf by Magic Johnson and Muhammad Ali. The commission patiently listened as the once-great athlete bravely struggled to put even the simplest thoughts into words. Then Ali spoke….[some cheers; waves his fist] Ooo!
The Spanish-language TV station Telemundo, folks. The Spanish-language TV station is looking to remake shows from the ’70s and ’80s like “Starsky & Hutch,” “Who’s the Boss?”, and “Charlie’s Angels.” Come on, a Spanish “Who’s the Boss?”? It was hard enough to believe an Italian guy would live in a house with a single woman for 10 years without having sex.
[exhales] This week marks the Pope’s 20th anniversary of the pontiff. When he opened his anniversary gifts, the Pope was overheard to say, [disappointed] “Wow! Just what I needed! Another cross!”
And now, here to discuss the ground-breaking Mideast peace accord are Yasser Arafat and Benjamin Netanyahu.
[Pan over to Yasser and Benjamin. Benjamin has a miniature world globe.]
Yasser Arafat: Thank you, Colin!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Thank you, Colin. Thank you.
[Yasser and then Benjamin give a thumbs-up to the audience, then they give a thumbs-up to each other.]
Colin: So…explain to us the details of the Wye River Accord.
Benjamin: Well, Colin, I brought this globe along to help illustrate our achievement….[puts his finger where Israel is] Okay. [shows the audience] This right here is Israel. And we have agreed to give 13 percent of the West Bank, which is [doesn’t move finger] here, back to the Palestinians. Which means our border moves from…[doesn’t move finger] here…to [doesn’t move finger] here. [puts the globe off to the side]
Colin: And how long did it take you guys to work this out?
Yasser: Uh, somewhere between 50 and 4,000 years.
Benjamin: Give or take….Who is counting?
Yasser: Oh, no one’s counting!
[Yasser and Benjamin agree jokingly]
Colin: Uh, what do you think was the, uh…what do you think was the secret to your success this time?
Benjamin: It’s about respect, Colin. Respecting the other person’s boundaries.
Yasser: Respecting their culture.
Benjamin: Just being cool, and laid back, and stuff.
Yasser: Yes.
Benjamin: Yes.
Yasser: Like, for example: Israel’s going to let us build an airport on Gaza.
Benjamin: And Palestine has agreed to a security plan to crack down on terrorism.
Yasser and Benjamin: And…
Benjamin: [playfully] …to stop hogging the phone!
Yasser: [becomes very jovial] Yeah! My bad!
Benjamin: Yes!
Yasser: I done it!…[Yasser and Benjamin laugh; Benjamin messes around with Yasser’s head scarf] You watch this, here! Come on!
Benjamin: This is our compromise.
Yasser: [starting at the beginning of Benjamin’s last line] This is very expensive!…My mother made this!
Benjamin: Don’t worry, I can tell!
Yasser: Then, well uh…you stay off of mom’s things.
Benjamin: For example…
Yasser: All right.
Benjamin: …since Israel has the bigger room, Israel will pay more rent.
Yasser: Right. And we might switch rooms in the spring.
Benjamin: We’ll see! We don’t know. But we have agreed that our basic groceries, like peanut butter…
Yasser: Yeah.
Benjamin: …and mayonnaise, we will split down the middle and share.
Yasser: But special groceries, like my Jell-O cup…
Benjamin: And my nonfat milk.
Yasser: …we will mark with our initials.
Benjamin: Yes.
Colin: You guys have really worked this one out.
Yasser: Well, we had a lot of help from the President Clinton.
Benjamin: He has an incisive and nimble mind.
Yasser: Plus, he gave us his old futon.
Benjamin: [very quietly] Yes.
Yasser: So…if we have guests in town, you know, they can totally crash!
Colin: Great. So, are you confident that you finally achieved a lasting peace in the Middle East?
Yasser: [amused] Noo-oo!
Benjamin: No, no, no!
Yasser: NO WAY!
Benjamin: No way!
Yasser: NO!
Benjamin: Colin, we will always fight.
Yasser: Yes.
Benjamin: People love to see us fight!
Yasser: They love it!
Benjamin: They love it!
Yasser: Yes. We have a, like, a Sam-and-Dave…uh, Diane, I’m sorry [he and Benjamin poke fun]…there I go again, Sam-and-Diane relationship, yes.
Benjamin: If we ever really got together, it would ruin everything. I mean, look at “Moonlighting.”
Yasser: Aah!
Benjamin: I mean, come on!
Yasser: Yes! Colin…it’s like, we are like the Odd Couple, you know. Israel is Felix, and Palestine is like Oscar. You know.
Benjamin: Noo, Palestine is Felix, we are like Oscar.
Yasser: Aah, this is true!
[Yasser and Benjamin continue to be playful with each other until they leave]
Colin: All right, Benjamin Netanyahu and Yasser Arafat, everybody! All right!…[chuckles]
Tonight marks the end of daylight savings time and a return to normal time. President Clinton would like to remind everybody to set their clocks back 10 months.
I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!
Officer Tom Martin…..Will Ferrell Officer Mike Berger…..Ben Stiller Jesus…..Horatio Sanz Vance…..Tim Meadows Maury Hannigan…..Darrell Hammond
[ On “Real Stories of the Highway Patrol”, a pair of highway patrollerspull over two guys they think are suspicious characters, then give them ahard time ]
Officer Tom Martin: Can I see your license and registration, please?
Jesus: Yeah, sure, Officer. Is everything okay?
Officer Tom Martin: [ quick-paced ] You wanna tell me something that’s not okay?
Jesus: [ confused ] No.. I don’t..
Officer Tom Martin: [ inspecting license ] Sir, it says your name is..uh.. “Jesus”?
Jesus: That’s Jesus, pronounced “Hey-Zeus”.
Officer Tom Martin: Am I supposed to believe the Son of Man drives a ’93 Mazda with a broken taillight? You think I’m stupid, Jesus?
Jesus: No, I don’t.
Vance: Hey, uh.. Officer, what’s going on?
Officer Tom Martin: Who are you? Are you one of the apostles? You Peter? Or Paul?
Vance: My name is Vance.
Officer Tom Martin: I don’t think “Vance” is in the Bible. Listen, Jesus, does one of your apostles always, uh.. ride shotgun without a seat belt?
Vance: Look, Officer, we don’t want any trouble. We just want to get out of here, okay?
Officer Mike Berger: [ approaching ] What we got going on over here?
Officer Tom Martin: Two jackasses.
[ Jesus and Vance groan ]
Jesus: We don’t want any trouble..
Officer Mike Berger: Huh? Who ya’ talkin’ to, huh? Huh? Huh? Who ya’ talkin’ to? Huh? You think you a hotshot, huh? Huh?
Jesus: No.
Officer Mike Berger: No, you don’t think you’re a hotshot? Or, no, you don’t know who you’re talkin’ to? Huh? What ya’ talking about? Huh?
Jesus: What?
Officer Mike Berger: A little confused this evening, Sir? Step out of the vehicle. [ pulls door open ]
Jesus: [ stepping out reluctantly ] We don’t want any trouble..
Officer Tom Martin: [ to Vance ] Stay there, Dreadlock.
Officer Mike Berger: Alright, I’m gonna search you, Sir. [ searches him ] Alright, what am I gonna find? What am I gonna find, some illegal substance? Huh? What have we got here? What’s this, huh? [ pulls out Jesus’ wallet ]
Officer Tom Martin: You don’t even know where you are, do you?
Officer Mike Berger: Look at this, a little treasure trove, huh? Looks like $60.
Jesus: That’s my wallet.
Officer Mike Berger: Hey, looks like King Midas, huh?
Officer Tom Martin: Richie Rich.
Officer Mike Berger: The Lost City of Gold.
Officer Tom Martin: Ricardo Rich. Keep your hands on the car.
Officer Mike Berger: Hey, Jesus, you like games? Huh? ‘Cause I got a game for you. It’s called “You’re Under Arrest”. How you like that one?
Jesus: Aw, come on, guys, what are you doing?
Officer Mike Berger: Yeah, you know who wins? John & Jane Public. They win every time.
Officer Tom Martin: You still there, Bob Marley? Where’s Bob Marley? You still there?
[ cut to Maury Hannigan, host of “Highway Patrol” ]
Maury Hannigan: But the drama didn’t end there, as the subjects began to become more violent..
[ cut back to scene of arrest ]
Officer Tom Martin: Okay, you wanna know why I arrested you tonight, Sir?
Jesus: I don’t know, was I speeding?
Vance: [ laughing ] Yeah, you were speeding!
Officer Mike Berger: You think that’s funny? What are you, a comedian?
Officer Tom Martin: Are you going to be at the Comedy Shoppe later?
Officer Mike Berger: Yeah, am I going to see you on Jay Leno tonight, Sir?
Vance: Look, Officer, we’re not comics..
Officer Tom Martin: I’ve got Freddie Prinze over here. “Chico & The Man”.
Jesus: Freddie Prinze is dead, man..
Officer Mike Berger: [ to Vance ] Hey! Sinbad! Do me a favor, step out of the vehicle, okay?
Vance: [ steppin out of vehicle ] Look, Officer, I think we got off on the wrong foot..
Officer Mike Berger: Hey, hey, Sanford & Son! I’ve got a little comedy routine for you, alright? Check this one out: uh.. “Who’s on first? What’s on second? I don’t know. Who’s getting arrested? Looks like you, my friend!”
Vance: I want to call my lawyer!
Officer Mike Berger: Oh, look at this! We got Johnny Cochran over here! We’ve got a lawyer, Johnny Cochran.
Officer Tom Martin: Great job with O.J. Maybe you can help Jesus out over here.
Officer Mike Berger: Yeah, how do you like those apples? Vance: I don’t like apples.
Officer Mike Berger: Oh, really? What are you, Steve Jobs?
[ cut to rising super of text ]
Maury Hannigan: [ voice-over ] “After further questioning, it was determined that neither subject had actually committed a crime. Three days later, the suspects filed a lawsuit against the Highway Patrol for violating their civil rights. While the lawsuit is still pending, the patrolmen received a one-week suspension with pay.”
[Opens with Ben Stiller smoking a cigarette on top of 30 Rockefeller Plaza admiring the city view at night]
Ben Stiller: Mmmm…[blows smoke] New York, you sweet lady. I’m back and I win this time cause I’m hosting! Yeah! You hear me New York?! I win. Me. Little Benji Stiller. How do you like me now?
Lorne Michaels: Stiller, what are you doing? It’s time to start the show.
Ben Stiller: Oh, hey Lorne. [throws cigarette to the floor] Remember me? Used to be a featured cast member on your show about ten years ago? Used to cut all my pieces at dress? Yeah. Well guess what? I get to cut you!
Lorne Michaels: Damn it, Stiller. This isn’t the time.
Ben Stiller: [aggressive] Oh, I say it is the time, old man.
Lorne Michaels: Yeah?
Ben Stiller: Yeah!
Lorne Michaels: Then come get some.
Ben Stiller: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!
[Ben rushes into Lorne and he knees him twice in the stomach. Stiller ducks a wild swing from Lorne and goes between Lorne’s legs. Stiller and Lorne exchange high flying karate kicks, Stiller rolls in the ground, gets up and gives a backhand fist to Lorne and a kick. They stare at each other with their guards up]
Lorne Michaels: You have grown strong, Ben Stiller.
Ben Stiller: You taught me well. Perhaps too well. [karate yell]
[Stiller headbutts Lorne and pushes him very near the edge of the building]
Lorne Michaels: Don’t do this! I have money. I can make you rich.
Ben Stiller: It’s too late for that!
Lorne Michaels: Wait, Ben. Benjamin…listen to me.
Ben Stiller: What?!
Lorne Michaels: I am your father.
Ben Stiller: [anguished] Noooooooo!!!!!
[Lorne lifts him up and throws him from the rooftop]
Lorne Michaels: I know he’s gonna be late for the monologue.
[Ben falling towards the ground]
Ben Stiller: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!
[ open on Dad and mom reading pieces of the newspaper in their living room ]
Dad: Oh, it looks like Safeway’s got a sale on beef medallions.
Mom: Mmmmm.. cook some of those up with scalloped potatoes, wouln’t that hit the spot?
Dad: Mmm-hmm.
[ 30-year-old Kevin enters ]
Mom: Oh, honey, I put your mail over there on the table.
Kevin: [ defensive ] What’s that supposed to mean? Look, Mom, I’m sorry that I have to get my mail at the same mailbox as you and Dad. Okay, I’m 30 years old, don’t you think I want my own mailbox? Huh? Huh? As soon as I get out from under my Visa debt, I am going to move out, okay? What do want me to do? What do you want me to do! You want me to go build my own mailbox, huh? Huh? Because I’ll go down to a Home Depot right now and mailbox-building supplies, and I’ll go and build my own separate mailbox – will that make you happy?! [ retreats upstairs ]
Dad: I’ll tell you what I have a hankering for is some sweet corn.
Mom: Mmm.. it’s almost pumpkin pie time.
Dad: Mmm-hmm..
Kevin: Oh, my GOD!! [ runs downstairs ] Alright! Who’s bene in my room! And don’t tell me nobody, ’cause there’s something I do to the door where I can tell that somebody’s opened it, and somebody’s definitely been in there and opened the door to my room!
Mom: I did your laundry and put it on the bed, dear.
Kevin: [ feels bad ] Oh.. alright.. okay.. sorry, alright? Thank you. Look, just for future reference, that room is my special place, I would very much appreciate it if you’d just leave the laundry outside the door. Okay? I’m sorry I yelled. I love you both very much. I love you, Mom.. I love you, Dad.. Hey! I’m gonna go get something to eat – does anybody want anything?
Mom: Uh, no, nothing, thank you, honey. I left you a plate of food in the oven, though.
Kevin: [ angry ] Why did you do that?!! I told you to stop doing things for me!! If you keep doing things for me, then I’ll never leave this place!! And I know that neither of you wants that!! Right?!! I want it to be like you barely know that I’m here!! [ exits to the kitchen, then pops back into the living room ] Do I have to heat it up, or is ready to go?
Mom: It’s ready, dear.
Kevin: Hey, Dad? Dad, you want a beer? Huh? Dad? [ angry ] WHAT?!! Now he’s not talking to me?!! HUH?!! I am trying SO HARD to make this work out!!
Mom: He didn’t hear you. [ turns to Dad ] Honey, do you want a beer?
Dad: A beer? Sure, that sounds great.
Kevin: Great! Alright, Dad, coming up. [ exits to the kitchen ]
Dad: [ looks up from his paper ] Here is a whole article on aphids.
Mom: Ohh.. save that. Tear that out, I’d like to read that.
[ phone rings ]
Dad: [ picks up ] Hello. Kevin? He sure is. Hold on just a minute.
Kevin: [ in the kitchen, drops his plate ] Son of a BITCH!!
Dad: Kevin?
Kevin: [ steps out ] What?! Look, I’m sorry I swore – the plate was really hot! What are you gonna do now, Dad, huh? Are you gonna throw me out of the house for swearing?! Huh?! I’m gonna be living in the streets, because I can’t afford my own apartment, okay?!! Just because I’m not as good as saving money does’nt make me a bad person!! [ starts crying ] Are you happy now!! Look, I’m crying!! Your little boy’s crying like a little baby!! What do you want, Daddyyyyy?!!!
Dad: [ calm ] Phone’s for you.
Kevin: Alright.. thanks, Dad.. I’ll take it upstairs. [ rusn upstairs ]
Dad: [ into the phone ] Kevin will be right with you.
Mom: You know, I’ll tell you where I found a lot of aphids – right out back there on that plum tree.
Kevin: I’ve got the phone!!
Dad: Those little buggers sure like fruit.
Mom: They sure do.
Kevin: HEY!! I’ve got the phone!! You can hang up now!!
Mom: I will tell you one thing – I’ll take aphids over ticks any day.
Dad: I’ll second that.
Kevin: I’VE GOT THE PHONE!! YOU CAN HANG UP THE FRIGGIN’ PHOOOOOONNNNNNEEEE!!!!!
Mom: Kevin has the phone, honey, you can hang it up.
Dad: Oh. [ hangs it up, then returns to his paper ] Do you understand this Peanuts cartoon? I don’t get it.
Mom: [ looks at the cartoon ] That is very strange..
Dad: Mmm-hmm..
Kevin: [ runs downstairs ] Oh, my God! You’re never gonna beleive who that was! That was Nancy from the office, you know that girl I have a huge crush on. Anyway, she wants to go out, so I want to take her to see “Bride of Chuckie” tonight. Please, please, tell me you’re not doing anything, and I can borrow the car?
Mom: [ to Dad ] Honey, can Kevin use the car tonight?
Dad: Oh.. sure, I don’t see why not. [ hands Kevin the keys ] You might want to check the gas.
Mom: Dad said to check the gas..
Kevin: [ furious ] GOD!! That was ONE TIME!! ONE TIME!! CAn’t you EVER let that go?!! [ calms down ] You know what.. you know what? I’m not gonna let this get this to me, alright? I’m just gonna go out, I’m gonna wish you guys a very nice evening, and I will see you later. [ exits ]
Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond Adam Sandler…..Jimmy Fallon Tom Cruise…..Ben Stiller
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Once again, I’m going to recommend that our viewers watch something else. That having been said, let’s take a look at the scores. Sean Connery is in first place with zero.
Sean Connery: You’ll rue the day you crossed me Trebek.
Alex Trebek: Fantastic. Adam Sandler.
Adam Sandler: How you doin there Alex? You know it’s great to be here, you know? Time for the Jeopardy! I love it. Your father loves it. Your Aunt Neda watches it every night in the VCR.
Alex Trebek: Ok, thank you Mr. Sandler. And finally, Tom Cruise has an incredible negative $12,000. A negative $12,000 having incorrectly answered a number of first round questions more than once.
Tom Cruise: I’m feeling great, Alex. Who is this guy? [ points to Adam Sandler ] I love this guy. This guy’s great here, with the crazy sounds. He’s wonderful. And it’s really an honor to be working with Sean Connery.
Alex Trebek: Great. Better luck to all of you in the next round. It’s time for Double Jeopardy. Let’s take a look at the board. And the categories are: Potent Potables, The Vowels, Presidents Who Are On the One Dollar Bill, Famous Titles, Ponies, The Number 10, and finally: Foods That End In “Amburger.” Tom Cruise, you are in third place, so the board is yours.
Tom Cruise: I, a…[ laughs ], I, a…[ laughs ], I, a…[ laughs ], I, a…[ laughs ]
Alex Trebek: Mr. Sandler, why don’t you pick instead?
Adam Sandler: Once again, something that could have been brought to my attention yesterday!
Alex Trebek: Mr. Connery, go ahead.
Sean Connery: The day is mine! I’ll take Famous Titties for 400.
Alex Trebek: Titles, Famous Titles.
Sean Connery: Damn!
Alex Trebek: And the answer is: This movie title is taken from the name of the book “Gone With The Wind.” Mr. Sean Connery.
Sean Connery: Dolly Parton!
Alex Trebek: Titles, Mr. Connery. Not titties.
Sean Connery: Not a fan of the ladies, are you Trebek?
Alex Trebek: Someone else, please. Mr. Sandler.
Adam Sandler: Why are you yelling at me?
Alex Trebek: You rang in. Mr. Cruise.
Tom Cruise: I know this, I got it. It’s right up here. I got it, I know it, I know it, it’s right up here. I got it [ beep ]
Alex Trebek: You don’t got it.
Tom Cruise: No, you don’t got it! Get it?!
Alex Trebek: Wonderful. The answer is Gone With the Wind. Gone With the Wind. All right, Mr. Connery, the board is yours, so I’ll pick a category for you. Let’s try the Number 10 for 200. In this category, the correct response to every question is ten. When I stop talking, just say ten. Ok, let’s give it a shot. This is how many fingers you have. Tom Cruise.
Tom Cruise: Five.
Alex Trebek: No. Adam Adam Sandler: .
Adam Sandler: This one time I was out with my friends on a boat. And this guy on the boat was like Come to the back of the boat! [ Beep ]
Alex Trebek: Time’s up. Time is up. The answer was ten. You have ten fingers.
Sean Connery: I’ll show you a finger, Trebek.
Alex Trebek: Mr. Cruise, would you please pick.
Tom Cruise: Help me, Alex. Help me, help you. Help me, help you.
Alex Trebek: Thank you.
Tom Cruise: All right, I’ll take Famous Titties for 800.
Sean Connery: Well done, laddie.
Alex Trebek: Famous Titles for 800. And it’s an audio Daily Double. All right, Mr. Cruise, this song was this TV show’s theme. Listen carefully.
[ Play Batman, theme song. ]
Tom Cruise: A…A…What is Mash?
Alex Trebek: No. Sean Connery.
Tom Cruise: What is After Mash?
Alex Trebek: No.
Tom Cruise: The one with Jamie Farr.
Alex Trebek: No, I know. Mr. Sandler. Where did you get a guitar?
Adam Sandler: [ Singing ] “Robert De’Niro, Bela Lugosi, Snufalofogus, and Parker Posie.”
Alex Trebek: And it’s time for Final Jeoardy. The Final Jeopardy category is just answer the question Where are you right now? Just right down where you are right now. It could be California, or a game show, or earth, or the word “here.” Ok, let’s get this over with. Tom Cruise, you wrote down: “Go.” And you wagered: “For it.” Go for it. You certainly did.
Tom Cruise: [ Laughs ]
Alex Trebek: Moving on. All right, Adam Sandler, you wrote down: “Abbie Doobie.”
Adam Sandler: Abbie Doobie…[ Gibberish ]
Alex Trebek: I feel like I want to punch you. Mr. Connery, where are you right now? You wrote: Good, Lord, you wrote “indoors” that’s phenomenal. Are we recording this? Ok, let’s look at your wager. “I heart boobs.” That’s beautiful. That’s it for Celebrity Jeopardy. I’m going home and putting a gun in my mouth. Good day.
[Cut to a picture of the perfect family: mom, dad, two kids]
Announcer: This is the Family Christian Value Network.
[ Caption: Family Christian Value Network. ]
[ A man in a business suit holding a Bible crashes through and flies above the city]
Jingle: “Heteroy! Heteroy! He’ll convert every fairy boy!”
[Heteroy shines a light from the Bible and converts a leather gay man into a respectable young preppie]
“Anal sex? Not too late!”
[Heteroy shines the light on a bald gay man in a tank top holding a dildo, converting him into a manly guy wearing a New York Yankees jacket and a baseball bat]
“He can switch from gay to straight!”
[Two guys kissing get the light and they turn into movers lifting a fridge]
“Homos! Clearly you have a hang-up, no need to get your wang-up…”
[The devil directs a line of gay guys dancing on Broadway, Heteroy shines the light and they all turn into manly guys beating the crap out of each other]
“…send in for Heteroy!”
[Heteroy stands in front of his logo. Heroic pose, cape waves in the wind]
Announcer: A crisp autumn day in Salt River as Roy Fletcher and his fellow ex-gay coalition crusaders search for sin.
[Roy, Eric and Drew walk down the street in their business suits]
Eric: …and when I came home my heterosexual wife was wearing a wonderbra.
Roy: That would sure arouse me, Eric.
Drew: Praise God!
Roy: Brothers, sinner at 3:00.
[A biker dressed in pink comes down the street]
Drew: Holy Bible! It’s a bike enthusiast!
Roy: Where there’s spokes, there’s sodomy. Let’s go!
[The trio surrender the gay man on the bike]
Roy: Friend, renounce thy satanic fellatic ways.
Eric: Our ex-gay ministry can steer you toward the glory of female genitals!
Gay biker: What? But I’m gay. You don’t change who you are.
Drew: Huh, well, maybe…
Roy: Don’t weaken, Drew! The gay lifestyle is one of perversion, promiscuity and cigarette smoking.
Eric: Our conversion therapy can save you. You’ll learn all about watching heterosexual sports. Like professional football playing.
[Eric shows the gay guy photos of football players but with their asses and crotches blacked out]
Drew: Ten hut!
Roy: And we’ll provide you with an ex-lesbian wife to ease your transition from your self-destructive ways.
[Roy shows the gay guy 3 pictures of ugly, fat ex-lesbians]
Eric: The biker is saved!
Drew: We are saved!
[The trio, Bible in hand, dances around the gay man on the bike and sing]
Roy, Eric and Drew: [singing] “Thank you, thank you Lord…from keeping my anus clean. Thank you, thank you Lord that I am not a queen….I was entering from behind but then you cleansed my mind. Thanks to you my anus is…”
Gay Biker: Shut up!
[Gay biker kicks Eric out of the way and runs away on his bike]
Eric: He’s getting away!
Roy: Hmmm, excuse me for a moment.
[Roy hides behind a mailbox and comes out as Heteroy]
Announcer: Using the awesome super colossal power of the Lord, Roy Fletcher becomes Heteroy!
HeteRoy: Gay away!
[Heteroy flies]
Drew: [points to the sky] It’s Heteroy!
Eric: [pointing towards the gay biker] He’s heading to a side street!
[Heteroy shines the light from the Bible and turns the bike of the gay biker into a tractor]
Gay biker: Hey!
HeteRoy: That’ll slow him down. Now to straighten him out.
[Heteroy shines the light on the gay biker who holds up the Cabaret album that turns into a Penthouse]
Gay biker: Aaaahh!
[Heteroy shines the light on the gay biker in pink turning him into a manly guy in a business suit and a flatop haircut]
Ex-gay biker: What happened? Don’t…crave…men.
[Roy returns]
Roy: It looks like Heteroy was here.
Eric: You missed it, Roy. Heteroy saved another brother from gay hell.
Ex-gay biker: I feel great. I don’t even feel like smoking cigarettes.
Roy: Or anything else.
[They all share a manly laugh]
Jingle: “Don’t need to get your wang up…send in for Heteroy!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 24th, 1998 Ben Stiller Alanis Morrisette None Lorne Michaels David Cone Felix Heredia David Wells Rooftop Kung Fu FightSummary: Ben Stiller faces a Kung Fu battle with his real father, Lorne Michaels, on the roof of 30 Rockerfeller Center. Transcript
Montage
Ben Stiller’s MonologueSummary: After rushing to Home Base following his fall from the roof, Ben Stiller unknowingly accepts applause intended for the New York Yankees.
Celebrity JeopardySummary: Tom Cruise (Ben Stiller) squares off against Adam Sandler (Jimmy Fallon) and Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond). Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Tom Cruise, Adam Sandler, Sean Connery. Transcript
Pretty LivingRecurring Characters: Gail Gleeson, Helen Madden.
TV FunhouseSummary: In a cartoon by Rob Smigel, preacher superhero Hete-Roy makes it his mission to transform gay people into heterosexuals. Transcript
The ZimmermannsSummary: Josh (Chris Kattan) and Laura Zimmermann (Cheri Oteri) invite the neighbors (Ben Stiller, Ana Gasteyer) over for Halloween. Recurring Characters: Josh Zimmermann, Laura Zimmermann. Transcript
Real Stories of the Highway PatrolSummary: Police officers (Ben Stiller, Will Ferrell) act racist toward suspects (Tim Meadows, Horatio Sanz) during a routine pullover. Transcript
Alanis Morissette performs “Baba”
Kevin Still Lives With His ParentsSummary: Mom (Ana Gasteyer) and Dad (Chris Parnell) endure the antics of their angry adult son, Kevin (Ben Stiller). Transcript
*NOTE: The very beginning of Colin Quinn’s opening is not transcribed here. If you have the opening words of this script, please submit them.
[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]
Colin Quinn: …they went too far, now they’re trying to back up a little. They’re not talking impeachment, they’re talking censure. So what is censure? You’re still President, but you can’t say anything or go anywhere? You’re grounded. You know? You can’t use Air Force One, you just have to sit there in the Oval Office. The White House tour comes by, Clinton’s standing there, unshaven in his bathrobe watching it. [waves] “Hi!” You know? He’s gonna be like your father when he’s unemployed, trying to fix your radio that’s not broken. He’s better off making them impeach him! Although being censured doesn’t have to break you, Bill. Look at Andrew Jackson. Andrew Jackson’s the only president ever censured. And look at him today, he’s on the 20! All right? [shows a 20-dollar bill]…This picture doesn’t do him justice, by the way. No. [close-up of the 20] I don’t know, he looks like Keith Richards on this 20, but…uh…he’s like, [imitating Keith Richards] “Hey, Mick! I’m on the 20!” All right…
Gerald Ford has proposed that Clinton be forced to stand in the well of the House and listen to the representatives and senators denounce him to his face. Folks, these are the people in charge of our country! That’s the best they can come up with, is having Clinton being yelled up like he’s on a daytime talk show, you know? Why don’t you just get Clinton up there with his wife and have Jerry Springer pass the microphone around the senators, you know? You got Henry Hyde over there…[imitating Henry Hyde] “Jerry, if that was my man, I’d leave his ass! Woooo!” You know.
[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
Here’s some nice news. Now, Hillary Clinton spent her 23rd wedding anniversary at a women’s conference in Bulgaria. She said, “I just wanted to be someplace where I could feel sexy.” [some groans]…You know? I know, that is sad. You don’t have to moan about it, but it’s sad. All right.
The Department of Defense is claiming some success in combating the Y2K computer glitch, which makes computers think that we are not approaching the year 2000, but the year 1900. Also suffering from this disease: [photo of Newt Gingrich; jerks his thumb at it] this man. [some cheers and applause]
The Foreign Minister of Japan is going to issue an apology for atrocities committed in China by the Japanese during World War II. But Japan says it would appreciate it if, from now on, the Rape of Nanking was referred to as “The Date That Went Bad with Nanking.”
A new report shows that the pregnancy rate for the nation’s teenage girls is at a 20-year low. Officials warn, however, that this trend might not last, because of the work stoppage in the NBA. [cheers and applause]…[innocently] Ooooh!
The five-day waiting period to buy a handgun will now be replaced by an instant computerized background check. The NRA applauds the development, saying, “Now people will no longer have to wait five days to settle family disputes.”
And reports say that former White House intern Monica Lewinsky would like to move to New York. [secretly] Gentlemen, start your engines! [some applause]
And now, with a comment about the Clinton impeachment proceedings, here’s Chucky, the murderous doll from the new movie, The Bride of Chucky!
[pan over to Chucky]
Chucky: Hey! Thank you! Thank you! Thanks, Colin! And by the way, you’re doing a terrific job! Well, hello everyone! As we all know, the Clinton White House has been busy this week preparing his anti-impeachment strategy. Meanwhile, the House Judiciary Committee is planning the hearings which will, no doubt, have a high economic and emotional cost for this nation. But I think I speak for most Americans when I say, enough already! I mean, aren’t we all just a little sick of this by now? Geez, let the poor man do his job! As far as I’m concerned, the only person Bill Clinton has to apologize to is his wife. Are you with me, Colin?
Colin: I guess so, yeah.
Chucky: Well, of course, you can’t turn on a TV without hearin’ about it. Well, you know what? Clinton’s not the first president to, uh…get a little somethin’ on the side. Am I right, my man?
Colin: I suppose, yeah.
Chucky: Yeah, you know I’m right! And it happens all the time in other countries. It’s just accepted. France thinks we’re ridiculous, it’s embarrassing! I mean, if this is the biggest thing we have to worry about…geez! And I’m sorry, but if lacking oral sex is a crime, then I’d have been in jail a long time ago, right, Colin? Come on, you’re with me!
Colin: [confused] Uh…I don’t know, Chucky!
Chucky: Anyway…from where I sit, the best way to solve this whole thing is to stab Kenneth Starr in the forehead with scissors….Which remids me [cheers and applause]…Thanks! Which reminds me, be sure to check out The Bride of Chucky in theaters now. The vibe was really good on the set, and I think it comes across.
Colin: All right, Chucky. Chucky, the murderous doll, everybody!…Earlier this week [notices that Chucky won’t leave]…uh…I don’t think so, Chucky.
Chucky: I’m serious, Colin. [reaches his hand under the desk] I want to have this beer.
Colin: I’m pretty busy, you know, Chucky?
Chucky: Well, you too busy for this? [pulls out a butcher knife]
Colin: [becomes frightened] Oh!
Chucky: You can’t escape, Quinn!
Colin: [to someone off-screen] Get him outta here!
Chucky: I’ll find a way to [floor manager comes in to grab Chucky away] get you!
Colin: Get outta here, Chucky!
Chucky: [to the floor manager; over Colin’s last line] Hey watch it, I’m Chucky!
Colin: [relieved] Woo!
Fires have destroyed many of Florida’s most lucrative crops, including marijuana. This has resulted in millions of dollars of losses and hundreds of very paranoid firemen.
Christian groups are protesting Terrence McNally’s new play Corpus Christi, about a gay Jesus. Christian leaders are reportedly outraged, saying, “Jesus wasn’t gay! Judas kissed him!“…Come on folks. That was a good one.
Arab…Arab and Muslim groups are protesting the new Bruce Willis movie The Siege, in which New York City is placed under martial law after terrorist bombings by Arabs. Hey! Did I miss something? Who bombed the World Trade Center, the cast of “Caroline in the City”? Okay? See, this is what it comes to now! You can’t show any criminal unless it’s a white guy in a suit! I saw a movie about the Crips the other night starring Greg Kinnear and Jonathan Taylor Thomas, folks.
Now, you people here in the studio don’t know by now, but the Yankees won the first game of the World Series tonight. [cheers] All right….Thank you. They dedicated the game to Darryl Strawberry, and the party afterwards to Dwight Gooden. [some groans; upset about reaction]…Folks! The game ended 10 minutes ago, and that was pretty good for a short period of time, you know? Take this things into cons– account!
Now, here with a comment on tonight’s game and Tino Martinez’s grand slam, is the building super for 1901 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our very own Dominican Lou!
[pan over to Dominican Lou, who is really Chucky dressed and talking like Dominican Lou]
“Dominican Lou”: Thank you! Thank you! These people, they talking in my building about the Tino Martinez…
Colin: Hey, wait a minute, Chucky! Nice try, Chucky!
Chucky: [takes out the knife] You’re mine, Quinn!
Colin: [frightened] Aaaahh! You–
[floor manager comes back to take Chucky away]
Chucky: You think they’re ever gonna make a movie out of “Weekend Update”? You’re a sucker, Quinn! A sucker!
Colin: [ chuckles ] I’m Colin Quinn. That’s my story, and I’m sticking with it!
Air Date:
