Author: Don Roy King

Canteen Boy And The Scoutmaster

Scout Master…..Alec Baldwin
Canteen Boy…..Adam Sandler
Boy scout #1…..Chris Farley
Boy scout #2…..David Spade
Boy scout #3…..Jay Mohr

[ Title card read by narrator in V/O: “The following sketch, “Canteen Boy and the Scout Master”, is based on actual events. It tells the story of Canteen Boy, a highly intelligent though quite eccentric 27 year-old who still lives with his mother, and who, despite his age, remains active in scouting. Certain elements of Canteen Boy’s story, such as his ability to summon snakes, have been added for dramatic effect.” ]

[ Establishment shot: Exterior, night, boy scouts and Scout Master are sitting around a fire camp, near a tent. ]

Scout Master: … and hanging on the car door… was a bloody HOOK!

Boy scouts #1 to #3: AAH!

Boy scout #1: Hey, I got a cool story mister Armstrong, but I can’t tell it until Canteen Boy gets back.

Scout Master: Where is Canteen Boy?

Boy scout #2: He’s right over there!

[ Camera switches to Canteen Boy, a few feet away from fire camp, staring at a wooden owl ]

Boy scout #3: Canteen Boy come over here!

Canteen Boy: Hang on a second fell- fellows, I got a bit of a situation here!

Boy scout #2: You can relax Canteen Boy that thing is made of wood.

Canteen Boy: [ Touches the owl ] So it is. [ Canteen Boy goes sit at the fire camp ] Good eye!

Boy scout #1: Hey Canteen Boy, I got a really scary ghost story! Once upon a time there was a moron, who always had a stupid canteen wrapped around his neck!

Canteen Boy: Hey, I think I’ve heard this tale before

Boy scout #1:… it was a dark and stormy night, and this moron went into the woods, and a huge bear came up and ripped his head off! – Just ‘cause he looked so stupid! – THE END! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Canteen Boy: Hey you wanna see something really scary? Look in the mirror! Mm-mm!

Boy scout #1: Ha-ha SHUT up Canteen Boy!

Canteen Boy: Hey you shut up!

Boy scout #1: What was that?

Canteen Boy: Nothing.

Scout Master: All right guys! Lay off Canteen Boy, You can hike on back to your tents and hit the hay! Come on! Let’s go! Let’s go! [ Boy scouts are leaving, disappointed, Scout Master holds Canteen Boy’s leg ] Not you Canteen Boy! I wanted to talk to you about something. I see you take a lot of ribbing from the other scouters.

Canteen Boy: Goes with the territory mister Armstrong – it’s sticks and stones!

Scout Master: [ Putting his arm around Canteen Boy’s shoulder ] Attaboy!.. [ Looking at Canteen Boy with lust in his eye ] You know, it seems like the moment you get out of the city, all the problems sort of, fade away… [ Scout Master feels Canteen Boy’s cheek with his nose ] I’m sorry Canteen Boy my – my beard is scratchy isn’t it?

Canteen Boy: [ Very uncomfortable with the situation ] No harm done!

Scout Master: [ Continues to feel Canteen Boy’s cheek ] My beard is scratchy Canteen Boy but it gives good back rubs…

Canteen Boy: Yeah um, yeah I’ll take a rain check on that mister Armstrong.

Scout Master: [ Tears his shirt apart ] Oops! My shirt fell off!

Canteen Boy: That’s a quick fix mister Armstrong just put it back on!

Scout Master: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! That’s great Canteen Boy! Hey [Holds Canteen Boy back again, puts an hand on his leg and rubs it] Do you like wine?

Canteen Boy: Actually I prefer pure tap water um, right out of the ol’ canteen right here!

Scout Master: I’m going to get us a little…. wine…. [ Scout Master leaves ]

Canteen Boy: All right a little drop will not kill me I guess…

[ Canteen Boy hears a howl in the forest ]

Canteen Boy: Ooo-Ooo to you! Hey owl! if you’re so wise why don’t you go to sleep it’s the middle of the night! [ Canteen Boy is amused and proud of his remark. ]

[ Scout Master comes back, wearing a bath robe and holding two glasses of wine. Sits besides Canteen Boy ]

Scout Master: Ahhh… Here’s to the Great Outdoors! [ Scout Master intentionally spills wine over Canteen Boy’s sleeping bag ] Oops! Was that your sleeping bag? [ Canteen Boy’s get out of his wet sleeping bag ] You’d better share mine.. It’s Extra Large!

Canteen Boy: [ Naive about the invitation ] Sure why not, until mine dries off, it won’t take long it’s made of Gore-Tex.

Scout Master: Canteen Boy, would you um.. rub some bug repellent on my chest?

Canteen Boy: It’s February mister Armstrong I think all the bugs went down south to hibernate, I’ll be honest with you!

Scout Master: Humor me Canteen Boy!

[ Canteen Boy nervously applies lotion on Scout Master’s chest for a few seconds ]

Canteen Boy: There you go! No more bugs!

Scout Master: I have to apologize for my hairy chest, it can be a little scratchy…

Canteen Boy: Yeah.. my mom might like it as she’s a big Tom Selleck fan!

Scout Master: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! You’re very funny Canteen Boy! [ Reaches out and holds Canteen Boy in his arms ] Make me laugh some more!

Canteen Boy: Actually, I left my joke book over in the tent, how about I go get it?

Scout Master: That’s okay Canteen Boy let’s just, lie here and… look at the stars…. [ Scout Master puts his mouth on Canteen Boy’s cheek and neck ] Do you know um… [ Takes Canteen Boy’s finger and suck it ] do you know how.. how to play… “Truth or Dare”…Canteen Boy?

Canteen Boy: Um, refresh me!

Scout Master: You choose between telling a secret… or doing a Dare…

Canteen Boy: All right: “Dare.”

[ Scout Master whispers something inaudible at Canteen Boy’s ear ]

Canteen Boy : [ Looking scared ] You know what mister Armstrong, let’s start off with the Truth!

Scout Master: I’ll tell you a Truth canteen Boy! You know what I hate? Underpants!

[ Scout Masters removes his underpants underneath his sleeping bag ]

Canteen Boy: Gee, I think if you worry about bugs, underpants would be your last line of defense!

Scout Master: [ Throwing his underpants away ] Problem solved!

Canteen Boy: Your problem’s solved but I think my problem’s just beginning! [ Scout Master forces Canteen Boy into spoon like position ] Aahhh What the hell is that?

Scout Master: I don’t know, it must have been a bed bug.

Canteen Boy: That was pretty big for a bed bug!

Scout Master: Okay it wasn’t a bed bug!

Canteen Boy: Let’s go back to saying it was a bed bug! Hey you know what, the park ranger just called! He said: “one camper per sleeping bag!” Sorry! Adios Amigos! [ Canteen Boy tries to leave sleeping bag, Scout Master holds him back ]

Scout Master: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! God you make me laugh Canteen Boy!

[ Scout Masters holds Canteen Boy and falls asleep – the morning after…]

Scout Master: [ Wakes up ] I’m sorry Canteen Boy, I fell asleep before anything happened.

Canteen Boy: No harm done!

Scout Master: Well who’s hungry? I’m gonna go make us a power breakfast! [ Scout Master leaves ]

Canteen Boy: Okay…[ Canteen Boy gets up, whistles to summon snakes and runs away ]

Scout Master: [ Scout Master returns ] Canteen Boy have you ever had a Mimosa? Canteen Boy? [ Snakes “charge” at Scout Master from various location ] Ha! Ha! Ha!.. Canteen Boy you rascal!”

[ Fade out ]

Thanks to P-Y for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Family Feud

Ray Combs…..Phil Hartman
Bob Fitzgerald…..Kevin Nealon
Karen Fitzgerald…..Julia Sweeney
Bob Fitzgerald, Jr……Jay Mohr
Jodie Fitzgerald…..Sarah Silverman
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Kim Basinger
…..Billy Baldwin
…..Stephen Baldwin
James Baldwin…..Tim Meadows

[ open on Family Feud game show show set ]

Don Pardo V/O: It’s time for the Family Feud! With your host, Ray Combs!

[ Ray Combs runs onto the sight, hyper and excited ]

Ray Combs: Alright! Thank you, Don Pardo! Let’s meet our families! First, let’s say hello to The Fitzgeralds! [ audience applauds as Ray steps up to The Fitzgeralds, an average-looking family of four ] Bob Fitzgerald, you’re the comptroller for a small trucking company in Shawnee mission, Kansas.

Bob Fitzgerald: [ meekly ] No?

Ray Combs: Sorry. [ flips through his index cards ] You’re a meat inspector from Duluth, Minnesota?

Bob Fitzgerald: That’s correct.

Ray Combs: Alright! Who do you have with you today, Bob?

Bob Fitzgerald: [ pan across to Bob’s excited family ] Well, this is my wife, Karen; and this is my son from my first marriage, Bob, Jr.; and this is our foster child, Jodie, she’s a ward of the state.

Ray Combs: Alright! Let’s meet our second family! Say hello to The Baldwins! [ crosses set to approach The Baldwins ] Alright, Alec – it says that you’re a movie star from Hollywood, California!

Alec Baldwin: That’s correct, Ray.

Ray Combs: And who do you have with you today?

Alec Baldwin: Uh, my wife, Kim, she’s also a movie star from Hollywood; and, uh, my brother, Billy, he’s a movie star; my brother Stephen is also a movie star.

Stephen Baldwin: Yo!

Alec Baldwin: And, uh, filling in for my brother, Danny, is my cousin, author James Baldwin.

James Baldwin: It is my distinct pleasure to play the Feud.

Ray Combs: Okay! Baldwins, Fitzgeralds! You heard James – let’s play the Feuuuuuuud! [ Alec and Bob meet Ray at the podium ] A hundred people surveyed, top five answerrs on the boared: Name something you’d find.. in the bathroom!

[ Alec quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Alec?

Alec Baldwin: Daily Variety!

[ members of The Baldwins clap and chant “Good answer!” ]

Ray Combs: Show me Daily Varietyyyyyyyy!!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Ooooohhh.. Bob?

Bob Fitzgerald: Uh.. extra roll of toilet paper?

Ray Combs: Show me toilet paperrrrrrr!!

[ board reveals “Toilet Paper 53” in top slot ]

Ray Combs: Yes! Very good! Bob! Play or pass?

Bob Fitzgerald: Uh.. I think, uh.. uh, I think we’re gonna pass, it’s a tough one.

[ Alec and Bob return to their families ]

Ray Combs: Alright. [ approaches Kim ] Baldwins! Kim. Something you might find in a bathroom. Three seconds.

Kim Basinger: A People’s Choice award!

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: She says a People’s Choice Award!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Oooohhh.. first strike. Let’s go to Billy. Billy, one hudred people surveyed: something you find in the bathroom.

Billy Baldwin: A fax machine.

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: Can I see a fax machiiiiine!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Ooohhh.. two strikes. Another one, and, Fitzgeralds, get ready to steal. Steve. Tell me something you might find.. in a bathroom.

Stephen Baldwin: A People’s Choice award!

Ray Combs: That’s already been said. We’re looking for something that might be found in a bathroooooom.

Stephen Baldwin: A personal trainer!

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: Show me personal trainerrrrrrrr!!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Ohhhhhhh! Okay, over to The Fitzgeralds! [ approaches The Fitzgeralds ] What have we got?

[ The Fitzgeralds yell out various answers: towels, soap, plunger, toothpaste, etc. ]

Ray Combs: Bob, what’s it gonna be?

Bob Fitzgerald: Well, I heard a lot of good answers, but I’m gonna have to go with my gut. Toilet.

Ray Combs: I need a toileeeeeeeeeeeeett!

[ board reveals “Toilet 41” in second slot ]

Ray Combs: Yes! Karen! Kim! Let’s play the Feud! [ Kim and Karen meet Ray at the podium ] A hundred people surveyed, top five answers on the board: Name someone.. you might call in an emergency!

[ Kim quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Kim!

Kim Basinger: Mike Ovitz!

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: One hundred people surveyed – how many said Mike Oviiiiitz!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Oooooohhh.. sorry, Kim.

Kim Basinger: Who are these people? This is impossible!

Ray Combs: Look, why don’t we just skip this category, and give the points to The Fitzgeralds!

[ The Fitzgeralds cheer ]

Ray Combs: Billy! Bob, Jr.! Come on, let’s play the Feud!

[ Kim and Karen return to their families, as Billy and Bob, Jr. meet Ray at the podium ]

Ray Combs: A hundred regular, average American citizens surveyed. Ordinary, run-of-the-mill Joes, Billy. Their top three answers on the board: Name a city you might find in The Bible!

[ Billy quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Billy?

Billy Baldwin: That would be Aspen.

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Okay, why don’t we move on with this one and just give the points to The Fitzgeralds!

[ The Fitzgeralds cheer ]

Kim Basinger: Come on!

Ray Combs: Oh, settle down, Kim! Now, let’s keep this moving. Stephen! Jodie! Come on, let’s play the Feud!

[ Billy and Bob, Jr. return to their families, as Stephen and Jodie meet Ray at the podium ]

Ray Combs: Okay, final round, triple the points, so, Baldwins.. you still can win! [ flips ] Okay, okay! Steve. We surveted a hundred Hollywood actresses, top three answers on the board: Things you do over Christmas!

[ Stephen quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Stephen.

Stephen Baldwin: Liposuction!

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Show me Liposuctiiiiiiiion!

[ board reveals “Liposuction 46” in top slot ]

Ray Combs: Number One answer! [ approaches The Baldwins ] James Baldwin, one hundred actresses surveyed. Things you do over Christmas.

James Baldwin: Hmm.. I should know this.. [ thinking ] Ah, yes, uh.. breast reduction, like the OPunky Brewster girl.

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Punky Brewster had a breast reductiiiiiiion!

[ board reveals “Breast Reduction 31” in second slot ]

Ray Combs: Yes! Okay! One to go. Alec. [ in a whisper ] One hundred actresses surveyed.. something.. you do.. over Christmas.

Alec Baldwin: [ thinking ] Collagen injections!

Ray Combs: Barbara Hershey had it – collagen injections!

[ board reveals “Collagen Injections 26” in bottom slot ]

[ The Baldwins cheer their win ]

Ray Combs: Congratulations, Baldwins! You ran the category and.. win the game! Alright, it’s time for our Quick Money round! Who wants to play!

Baldwins: Kim! Kim! Kim! Kim!

Ray Combs: Kim! Join me over here, you have fifteen sdeconds! [ Kim follows Ray to the center of the set ] One hundred people surveyed – go! [ clock begins ticking ] A place you might go for a birthday.

Kim Basinger: Spago.

Ray Combs: Something you do before leaving work.

Kim Basinger: Call Spago!

Ray Combs: Something you might read on a bus.

Kim Basinger: Spago’s menu!

Ray Combs: A place where you might look for a lost sock.

Kim Basinger: Spago!

Ray Combs: And, someone you might call while on vacation.

Kim Basinger: Mike Ovitz!

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Okay, you said Spago for almost every answer. Let’s see… Spagooooooooo!!

[ the board reveals blanks and zeroes all the way down, except for a single point for the Mike Ovitz answer ]

Ray Combs: Zero.. zero.. zero.. zero.. Mike Ovitz, 1! Okay! Each point is worth five dollars! Baldwins, you win five dollars!! Come on! [ all The Baldwins join Ray and Kim at the center of the set, as they wave goodbye ] That’s it, wave goodbye!

[ “Mark Goodson Production” logo appears on screen ]

Don Pardo V/O: This has been “Saturday Night Live”‘s 300th game show parody! Congratulations, guys!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Alec Baldwin’s Goodfellas

…..Alec Baldwin
Skinny Lou…..Fred Wolf
Jimmy “Two-Times”…..Jay Mohr
Bobby “Buckethead”…..Chris Farley
Jimmy “Five-Times”…..Rob Scneider
Bobby”Buckethead”…..Chris Farley
Johnny “Big Balls”…..Phil Hartman
Ricky “Pause-and-Shout”….Norm MacDonald
Nick “The Puppet” Lamponi…..Kevin Nealon
Denise “Who-Let-Her-Kind-In-Here?” Washington…..Ellen Cleghorne
Gina “The Clap” Vanetti…..Julia Sweeney
“Out-of-Focus” Eddie…..David Spade
“Naked” Derek…..Tim Meadows
Jonny “The Informer”…..Mike Myers
Stacy “Kinda-Looks-Like-Kim-Basinger”…..Kim Basinger
Ed “The Complete Idiot”…..Adam Sandler

Alec Baldwin: Hello, I’m Alec Baldwin. Whenever I come back to New York, I visit my old neighborhood of Massapequa, Long Island . A lot of guys I grew up with are still there. Tough guys. We called ’em “wise guys”. And even though I became an actor, as far back as I can remember – I always wanted to be a “wise guy”.

[ cut to footage of Massapequa ]

[ Music Over: “Rags To Riches”, Tony Bennett ]

Alec Voiceover: When I was growing up in Massapequa, the mob wasall over the place. Because I knew them, I was treated with respect.

[ dissolve to interior, Bamboo Lounge, where the camera pans across theroom to each mobster, one at a time ]

Alec Voiceover: I remember there was Jimmy and Tommy..

Jimmy & Tommy; Hey-hey!

Alec Voiceover: There was Frankie Carboni..

Frankie Carboni: Hey, how ya doin’?

Alec Voiceover: There was my brother’s friend, Skinny Lou..

Skinny Lou: Hey, I took care of the thing for ya.

Alec Voiceover: And there was Jimmy “Two-Times”, who got that nicknamebecause he said everything twice..

Jimmy “Two-Times”: I’m gonna go get the papers. Get the papers.

Alec Voiceover: You had Bobby “Buckethead”..

Bobby Buckethead: [ wearing bucket on his head ] Hey, what’s up, Alec?

Alec Voiceover: And there was Jimmy “Five-Times”..

Jimy “Five-Times”: I gotta get the papers. Get the papers. Get the papers. [ pause ] Get the papers. Get the papers.

Alec Voiceover: There was Johnny “Big Balls”..

Johnny “Big Balls”: Hey, I got something to show you! [ Alec’s handgoes up ] Alright, suit yourself.

Alec Voiceover: And Ricky “Pause-and-Shout”..

Ricky “Pause-and-Shout”: Hey, how’s it.. [ pause ] ..goin’!

Alec Voiceover: And there was Nick “The Puppet” Lamponi..

Nick “The Puppet” Lamponi: [ holds puppet out ] How ya’ doin’?

Alec Voiceover: And Denise “Who-Let-Her-Kind-in-Here?” Washington..

Denise “Who-Let-Her-Kind-in-Here?” Washington: I got off at the wrongsubway stop.

Alec Voiceover: And there was Sonny “Via-From-Satellite” Vanerro..

Sonny “Via-From-Satellite” Vanerro: [ shown on TV set perched on barcounter ] Hey! Greetings from Tokyo! [ laughs ]

Alec Voiceover: And there was Anthony “Santa” DeJenko..

Anthony “Santa” DeJenko: [ walks past wearing Santa suit ] Hey, how’sit goin’?

Alec Voiceover: And the girls – “Cold Sore” Carol and Gina “The Clap”Vanetti..

Gina “The Clap” Vanetti: How come you don’t call me?

Alec Voiceover: You had “Out-of-Focus” Eddie..

“Out-of-Focus” Eddie: [ fuzzy camera view ] What ya’ lookin’ at..?

Alec Voiceover: And don’t forget Pete “The Pedophile”..

Pete “The Pedophile”: Hey, when ya’ gonna bring the kids over?

Alec Voiceover: And “Naked” Derek..

“Naked” Derek: [ naked ] Hey, when ya’ gonna bring the kids over?

Alec Voiceover: My sister’s friend, Johnnyy “The Informer”..

Johnny “The Informer”: [ talking into gun handle ] Hey, hey, Alec, justbetween youse and me, what’s the good word on the street? What’s goin’on, huh? [ points pistol at camera ]

Alec Voiceover: He wasn’t too popular. Also, there was Stacy”Kinda-Looks-Like-Kim-Basinger”..

Stacy “Kinda-Looks-Like-Kim-Basinger”: How are ya’?

Alec Voiceover: She was real popular. And, of course, there wasEd “The Complete Idiot”..

Ed “The Complete Idiot”: : Hi.

Alec Voiceover: .. who we decided to call that because he was acomplete idiot.

Ed “The Complete Idiot”: What’s up?

Alec Voiceover: You see, he was such a moron, the name kinda suggesteditself..

Ed “The Complete Idiot”: Yeah, how ya’ doin’?

Alec Voiceover: First, it was just Ed “The Idiot”, but it didn’tseem enough – hence, Ed “The Complete Idiot”..

Ed “The Complete Idiot”: [ angry ] Alright, we get it! I’m an idiot!Move on!

Alec Baldwin: [ now stands in front of the camera ] And, of course,there I was. Those were great days back then. Everyone had a greatnickname, except me. Although, sometimes they used to call me “Wide Load”.I have no idea where that came from. [ walks off to reveal a huge butt, thenturns around ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Herlihy Boy House-Sitting Service

Mr. O’Malley…..Chris Farley
Herlihy Boy…..Adam Sandler

Announcer: If you leave home this holiday season, why not let the Herlihy Boy be your housesitter? Out of an estimated 50,000 professional housesitters in the world, the Herlihy Boy is by far the best.

[ dissolve to disheveled-looking Herlihy Boy staring menacingly intothe canera ]

Herlihy Boy: Hello. Let me water your plants. Please, while you’re gone? Let me water your plants. It would mean so much to me, if you would just let me water your plants. Come on, you’re not gonna be there! Somebody’s gotta water them! Why.. why can’t it be me? Please? Hey! Hey! Please? Lwt me water your plants.

Mr. O’Malley: Come on, let the boy water your plants! [ almost cries ]

Herlihy Boy: Hi, hello. Are you good? Good! Let me bring in your mail. While you’re gone. Come on, please? Let me bring in your mail? There’ll be so much mail in your mailbox while you’re away. Let me bring the mail in the house for you. Come on, I’m already gonna be watering your plants! Just say yes to letting me bring in your mail. Please? Don’t look away – look at me! I honestly and sincerely would like to bring in your mail.

Mr. O’Malley: He’s a good hard-working boy! Let him bring inyour mail!

Herlihy Boy: Hey, look who’s here! It’s nice to see you again, you look great! Let me sleep in your bed. Don’t shake your head “no”. Let me sleep in your bed. You’re not even gonna be there. Please let me sleep in your bed? Nothing weird’s gonna happen. I’ll sleep in the exact same position as you sleep. You can trust me. I’ll even wash the sheets before you come back, how’s that? Please?

Mr. O’Malley: Sweet Mother of God, what is the hold up?! Let the boy sleep in your damn bed! He said he’d wash your sheets!

Herlihy Boy: Please don’t make me wash the sheets.

Mr. O’Malley: He’s a clean boy! Wash your own damn sheets! For God’s sakes!

Herlihy Boy: Let me move in with you, please? When you come back home, don’t make me leave. Please, let me move in with you? I’ll push all my things in the corner. That’ll be my little area. Please? I won’t bother you. You won’t even have to look at me. Please, let me move in with you, please? I’d like an answer, and I’d like that answer to be “yes”. Please? I’ve already slept in your bed. If you didn’t want me to move in, why’d you let me sleep in your bed? Just let me move in with you, please?

Mr. O’Malley: Can we STOP this cruel game! And allow the boyto keep ONE shred of diginity! For God’s sake, I can’t STAND to see him in all this pain!! You VICIOUS BASTARDS!! Let him move in with you!! Is it so bad to see somebody happy?! So just let him MOVE IN!! For the LOVE OF GOD, let the boy move in with you!! Good Lord!!

Herlihy Boy: I’m not gonna beg you. My track record speaks foritself. I’m confident you’ll make the right decision.

[ Mr. O’Malley reaches over to give the Herlihy Boy a hearty hug ]

Announer: The Herlihy Boy House-Sitting Service. Let’s face it,he’s coming over anyway.

SNL Transcripts

Charlton Heston’s Monologue

…..Charlton Heston
Female Ape Audience Member…..Sarah Silverman
Male Ape Audience Member #1…..Tom Davis
Male Ape Audience Member #2…..
Male Ape Audience Member #3…..Norm MacDonald
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! Captured slave Charlton Heston!

[ two members of the ape army drag a shackled Heston onto Home Base – the ape audience is pleased ]

Charlton Heston: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”, even it is as a prisoner.

[ the members of the ape army growl at Heston ]

Now, now.. you apes are probably wondering how a.. human being like me can.. talk! Am I some kind of a mutant? Nah. Well, if there’s one thing I want to make clear to you apes tonight.. it’s that I am not a mutant! I am a human being!! I can speak! But I am not a mutant! [ female ape audience member stands ] Yeah? Yes? There seems to be a question now.

Female Ape Audience Member: Yeah, are you some kind of talking mutant?

Charlton Heston: Nooo! I just said I’m not a mutant! I’m a human being! From your past, when human beings spoke! [ male ape audience member stands ] Yes.. yes?

Male Ape Audience Member #1: Uh.. are there.. are there other talking mutants?

Charlton Heston: I told you I am not a mutant! You don’t understand! [ points to another ape in the audience ] Yes.. over here.

Male Ape Audience Member #2: Where do you keep your tribe of talking mutants?

Charlton Heston: [ exasperated ] I don’t think you’re paying attention to what I’m telling you! [ points to another ape ] Yes? Yes?

Male Ape Audience Member #3: Yeah, uhh.. am I crazy, or are you a, uh.. [ extended pause ] ..are you a human?

Charlton Heston: Yes! Yes, I am!

Male Ape Audience Member #3: Then, where the hell did you learn to talk like an ape, you damn mutant?!

Charlton Heston: This is insane! [ pushes the apes away ] Let go off me! [ looks around ] Lorne? Lorne! Is Lorne here?

[ two other member of the ape army drag a shackled, yet highball-holding, Lorne Michaels before Heston ]

Lorne Michaels: There you are. Just play along – the apes are a great audience! They’re crazy about humans!

Charlton Heston: It’s a madhouse! It’s a madhouse! Well.. I guess I have no choice. you apes are a good audience.. we have a great show for you. Paul Westerberg is here, so.. stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

Infiniti Q45 Toilet I

Jonathan Pryce…..Mike Myers

Jonathan Pryce: [ taps on screen with marker ] Can I borrow your TV screen.

This is how waste exits a conventional toilet bowl.

[ draws downward curlicues on left side of screen ]

And this is how waste exits the new Infiniti Q-45 Toilet.

[ draws straight downward line on right side of screen ]

[ Jonathan walks up to a sleekly-designed toilet ]

Thanks to a revolutionary design advance known as Hyperflush, the entire process takes 0.8 seconds. How? [ laughs ] I could give you a practical demonstration, but I’d have to mess up your screen a lot.

Buy or lease an Infiniti Q-45 Toilet from an Infiniti dealer today.

[ SUPER: “Infiniti. Everything that’s possible in a toilet.” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 19: Episode 8

93h: Charlton Heston / Paul Westerberg

Infiniti Q45 Toilet II

Jonathan Pryce…..Mike Myers

Jonathan Pryce: This is the new Infiniti Q45 Toilet.

[ dons a pair of plastic safety glasses ]

Now pretend this [ pulls out rubber dart gun ] is poopy

[ Shoots dart at black, sleek looking toilet, which sticks momentarily and falls to the ground ]

Peepee [ shoots dart ] doody [ shoots dart ] caca [ shoots dart ] [ mutiple darts shot, all ultimately falling off ]

Infiniti developed a revolutionary non-stick finish which resists these hazards. [ shoots dart ]

I can’t explain the process [ removes glasses ], but they’ll be happy to at your Infiniti toilet showroom.

[ looks into camera with left eyebrow comically arched ]

Oh…tell them you already know the part about the caca.

[ SUPER: “Infiniti. Everything that’s possible in a toilet.” ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: David Thompson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 19: Episode 8

93h: Charlton Heston / Paul Westerberg

Infiniti Q45 Toilet III

Jonathan Pryce…..Mike Myers

[ walks up to sleek black toilet in a black suit with black turtleneck sweater, holding a silver coffee mug ]

Jonathan Pryce: This is the new Infiniti Q45 Toilet.

And this is the seat on the Q. It goes both up, and down.

[ close-up on toilet with Pryce demonstrating up/down action ]

[ shot of Pryce sitting on toilet with coffee mug ]

Now if they put that much thought into the seat,

[ pushes infiniti logo on front of toilet, extending a cupholder which he places his mug into ]

imagine the other thoughtful extremes they went to.

[ SUPER: “Infiniti. Everything that’s possible in a toilet.” ]

Visit your Infiniti toilet showroom.

[ shot of Pryce walking away from toilet, coffee mug still in cupholder, pauses and turns towards camera ]

Oh, and tell them you already know the part about the caca.

[ turns right and walks off screen ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: David Thompson

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 11th, 1993

Sally Field

Tony! Toni! Tone!

None

Tony! Toni! Tone!, “If I Had No Loot”

Adam Sandler Christmas Song

Adam Sandler sings a love letter to Santa Claus.

Sally Field’s Monologue

Field alienates audience members hoping for revival of old roles.

Recurring Characters: Burt Reynolds.

NCI Long Distance

(Repeat) See: 09/25/93.

White Diamonds Perfume

Fuzzy Elizabeth Taylor (Field) promotes perfume.

Recurring Characters: Elizabeth Taylor.

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Mayor David Dinkins (Tim Meadows) vows revenge on voter who didn’t re-elect him.

Headgames

Game show host (Phil Hartman) plays mind games with family member contestants.

Matt Foley: Motivational Santa

Matt Foley (Chris Farley) plays Santa Claus at the town mall.

Recurring Characters: Matt Foley.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

If you drop your keys in lava.

(Repeat) See: 10/31/92.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Using grenade decoys during a war.

Pious Housewife

Jesus (Phil Hartman) asks housewife (Field) to tone down her prayers.

Recurring Characters: Jesus.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

The identities of Superman & Santa Claus.

I Want My Baby Back

Harriet Cralboni…..Sally Field
Nurse…..Melanie Hutsell
Mr. Blaylock…..Kevin Nealon
Social worker…..Tim Meadows
Judge Roberta Lewis…..Ellen Cleghorne
Mr. Fontel…..Mike Myers
Mrs. Fontel…..Julia Sweeney
Hasheem…..Adam Sandler
Pakistani Judge…..Rob Schneider

V/O: Tonight, an NBC World Premiere Movie. A true story, from the producers of They Took My Baby and What Have You Done With My Baby? and My Baby’s Where?, a story of one woman’s valiant fight against impossible odds. I Want My Baby Back: The Harriet Cralboni Story.

[SUPER: December 15, 1989. A woman is seen in a hospital room clutching a baby.]

Harriet Cralboni: Hello, Amy! It’s just you and me sweetie, no daddy. But that’s okay, we’ll always be together because you’re mine! You’re mine, my baby!

Nurse: Miss Cralboni, you need to rest now. [Takes the baby from Harriet’s arms.]

Harriet Cralboni: Where are you taking my baby? I want my baby!

Nurse: To the nursery, where no one could ever possibly switch her with another baby. Now get some sleep.

Harriet Cralboni: My baby… My baby… I’ll only have my baby… My baby…

[The scene fades to a view of an apartment building. SUPER: December 17, 1989.]

[A man is holding the baby, playing with her.]

Mr. Blaylock: [Makes baby noises.] You’re such a cutie, aren’t you? Yes you are, you’re such a cute little baby! [Makes baby noises, as Harriet enters.] Oh, she’s a gorgeous baby! Just like her mother, but not half as sexy.

Harriet Cralboni: Thank you Mr. Blaylock, and thank you for bringing the typing over. I’ll try to have it done by Monday.

Mr. Blaylock: You know, you don’t have to do any of it if you’d . . . get a little friendlier with me, if you know what I mean. [Winks, then leans in to kiss her.]

Harriet Cralboni: Yes, I do know what you mean, and it’s out of the question!

Mr. Blaylock: Just forget about the typing Miss Cralboni, because you don’t work for me anymore. I could find a lot of other unwed mother typists who will play ball. [Gets up to leave.]

Harriet Cralboni: Oh, well! Well, fine then! Fine! [Shuts the front door after him.] Now don’t you worry, my sweetheart! Mommy didn’t want that filthy old job anyway! No I didn’t! I’ll find a new job, a great job! Everything’s going to be fine! [The buzzer rings and she opens the door.]

Social worker: Miss Harriet Cralboni?

Harriet Cralboni: Yes.

Social worker: Give me the baby.

Harriet Cralboni: What?

Social worker: I’m with the child welfare department. We just got a call from Blaylock and his associates about you being unemployed and raising Amy in an unfit environment.

Harriet Cralboni: Oh! That’s a lie!

Social Worker: [Yanks Amy out of her arms.] That’s for the court to decide. [Rushes out the door.]

Harriet Cralboni: Oh! But that’s my baby! That’s my baby! I want my baby back, I want my baby back!

[An outside view of a courtroom is shown. SUPER: January 18, 1990.]

Judge Roberta Lewis: [Judge is seen banging with her gavel.] Order in the court! I will have order in the court! Now Miss Cralboni, as a woman and a mother, I sympathize with you, but I’m afraid the law is the law!

Harriet Cralboni: Your honor, may I say something? It’s true, I don’t have a job! But this baby is mine! She grew inside of me for nine months? Doesn’t that mean anything, or isn’t this America? Please, give me back my baby!

Judge Roberta Lewis: [Sobbing] Miss Cralboni, that was one of the most eloquent speeches I’ve ever heard! The bench rules for Miss Cralboni, the baby will remain with her!

Harriet Cralboni: [Cheers, jumps up and down] I’ve got my baby back! I’ve got my baby back! [The social worker hands Amy back to her.]

Nurse: Hold on a minute! That’s not her baby! And I would know, because I switched them. I switched the babies!

[The social worker takes Amy and leaves.]

Harriet Cralboni: Oh! Oh! Where’s my baby? [Grabs the nurse and shakes her around.] Tell me where my baby is! Give me my baby! Give me my baby! Give me my baby!

[We see a moving view of a street in a suburban neighborhood. SUPER: January 18, 1990. 1 hour later. The other parents come out of a house.]

Mrs. Fontel: Oh honey, I’m so nervous!

Mr. Fontel: Do you think that woman running down the street is her?

Mrs. Fontel: I hope so!

[Harriet rushes up to their door.]

Harriet Cralboni: Are you Mr. and Mrs. Avery Fontel?

Mrs. Fontel: You must be Harriet Cralboni, come in!

Harriet Cralboni: Oh! I want my baby!

Mr. Fontel: As do we. As do we.

Social worker: Mr. and Mrs. Fontel, I believe this is your baby.

Mrs. Fontel: I’ve got my baby!

Mr. Fontel: [Stifling tears] And I believe this little darling is yours! [Mr. Fontel gives Amy back to Harriet.]

Harriet Cralboni: I’ve got my baby back!

Mr. Fontel, Mrs. Fontel, and Harriet Cralboni: We’ve got our babies back!

Harriet Cralboni: Oh, sweetie! Hello, my little baby! This is mommy talking to you! And nothing is ever, ever going to separate us again!

[A man enters the house.]

Hasheem: Not so fast! That child is half mine!

Harriet Cralboni: Hasheem, when you left me, you gave up all rights as a father!

Hasheem: We’ll see what the court has to say about that. The court . . . [Pulls Amy out of her arms.] . . . in Pakistan! [Leaves]

Harriet Cralboni: That’s my baby! Give me back my baby! I want my baby!

[Footage is shown of a marketplace. SUPER: January 24, 1990 Karachi, Pakistan.]

Pakistani Judge: Order in the court! [Bangs the gavel] I will have order! Miss Cralboni, the Pakistani court sympathizes with you! But I’m afraid Pakistani law is Pakistani law!

Harriet Cralboni: [Stands up, wearing a burqa.] Your honor, may I speak? I may be a stranger here in your country, but I have to believe that the bond between a mother and her child is just as strong here as it is in America! And if it isn’t, I feel sorry for Pakistan! And indeed, the entire Nation of Islam!

Pakistani Judge: Miss Cralboni, that is without question the most insulting speech I have ever had the misfortune to hear. Up until that, I was ready to give your child back. But now I have no choice but to lock you away forever!

Harriet Cralboni: I want my baby! [Two guards go to her and take her away.] I just want my baby! Give me my baby! Give my baby! Give my baby back! I want my baby! I want my baby!

[The Pakistani skyline is shown.]

V/O: On May 14, 1993, Harriet Cralboni was awarded custody of her child.

On May 15, 1993, Cralboni was informed that the babies had never really been switched and this was not her daughter.

On May 17, Cralboni was reunited with her original daughter from before the switch.

On May 18, that daughter, the real Amy Cralboni, filed for divorce from her mother.

Every year in the United States 200,000 babies are switched at birth and sent to Pakistan.

Three days later, 30,000 are returned.

[Harriet is shown locked in a cell with her face pressed up against the bars.]

Harriet Cralboni: Where’s my daughter? I want my baby back. Give me baby, I want my baby back, I want my baby…

[Music plays, SUPER: The End.]

[Fade]

Thanks to Leadcrow90 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts