Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 9: Episode 11

83k: Don Rickles / Billy Idol

Ronco’s Amazing TV President

President Ronald Reagan…..Joe Piscopo

[ Open on Ronald Reagan in the Oval Office, addressing the nation. ]

President Ronald Reagan: My fellow Americans, as you know, in just a few hours I’m going to announce my candidacy for re-election. I feel that I can proudly take credit for ending inflation and stimulating our nation’s economic recovery. Yes, thanks to our increases in military defense, Americans can now sleep more soundly at night than they could four years ago. What is this new prosperity and peace of mind worth? Don’t answer, because if you vote for me again in 1984, you’ll receive this handsome set of Ginsu steak knives! [ displays a knife set, then uses one of them on a cutting board ] Yes, you’ll be able to slice an onion without shedding a tear, just like I’m doing right now. Or protect yourself against the red menace! [ makes stabbing gestures ] Now, how much would you pay? But wait, there’s more! If you act now, you’ll also receive a brand new land-based missile system! And, this deck of TV Magic cards! [ holds it up ] Now you can amaze your friends and defend your country’s shores at the same time. Yes, you’ll receive all this, the economic recovery, the Ginsu knives, the Magic cards, and the land-based missile system! Thousands sold in Europe already! The amazing TV President, from Ronco! It’s new! It’s exciting! It’s Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 9: Episode 11

83k: Don Rickles / Billy Idol

Romeo & Juliet

Juliet…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Friar…..Don Rickles
Romeo…..Gary Kroeger
Lady Capulet…..Robin Duke
Lord Capulet…..Joe Piscopo
Lady Montague…..Mary Gross
Lord Montague…..Brad Hall

Juliet: (on balcony) Oh Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Friar: (comes up behind her) You lookin’ for Romeo? He went down the hall for a sec, he’ll be right back.

Juliet: Oh, oh Friar Don, unite me with my fair Romeo, for my heart can no longer endure this lonely sojourn.

Friar: Sweetheart, what am I, the Love Connection? Come on, hah?

Juliet: You are the Friar of Verona, you are renowned for your eloquence and wisdom. Canst you but speak with my father?

Friar: I get it. In other words you want me to talk to the old man and work it out so you can get married, huh?

Juliet: I beseech you.

Friar: What do you mean, you beseech me? You’re nuts, for cryin’ out loud. You’re only 14 years old. Where you goin’? Where you goin’, huh? Jump in with a line. (Romeo enters) There he is.

Romeo: What light through yonder window breaks?

Friar: Aw, what are you doin’ here, fruitcake?

Romeo: It is the East and Juliet is the sun.

Friar: (to Juliet) Hey, I’ve known Romeo since he’s a kid, and you could do a lot better. Listen to me, you could do a lot better. This guy’s a stiff, I’m tellin’ ya.

Romeo: Hark! I hear the sound of Juliet’s parents approaching.

Friar: You look like Errol Flynn on a bad swing. What is that one, hark all the time, hark? What hark?

Lady Capulet: Hang the young baggage! Disobedient wretch!

Lord Capulet: My fingers itch. Wife, we’d scarce thought us blessed that God had lent us but this child, but now I see this one is one too much.

Juliet: Oh, blistered be thy tongue!

Friar: “Blistered be thy tongue”? You must be some wild kinda broad! A broad with a wild blistered tongue, that’s something else!

Lord Capulet: Oh, Friar. Oohh, Friar.

Friar: “Ohoho, Friar.”

Lord Capulet: Our daughter Juliet sickens us with shame. But hark! Romeo’s parents!

Friar: Again with hark? He keeps saying hark, every five minutes I hear hark. What is it with you and hark?

Lord Montague: Afore God, I am so vexed that every part of me doth quiver.

Lady Montague: Who set this ancient quarrel new abroach?

Friar: (to Lord Montague) May I say something as an actor? You stink. You must understand, you people talk funny. Call up Immigration and get your papers stamped, you hear me? You talk funny!

Lord Capulet: Well, it is they.

Lord Montague: It is they.

Friar: It is who?

Juliet: Please dear Friar, speak not of reproach upon we, the simple souls of Verona, but arbitrate us a God-inspired course that we might know His will.

Friar: Yeth, I would thay to thee to know thythelf a thelf a thee. Thith I know. Look at this, Pinky Lee is back! I thay you thith. What are you talking about, anyway? What are you talking about?

Lord Montague: We bow to your decree.

Lord Capulet: We’ll listen to you.

Friar: You better because I’m getting’ fed up with you. I didn’t forget in the other sketch when you slapped me around for a half hour. I don’t forgive so easy. Even though we’re eight centuries behind, I’m fed up with you! And I’m gonna see that you wind up in Brooklyn in a car (pointing at his temple) with a little trickle, right down the side. Cause I’ve had it with you, with your waffle hat, you Pinky man. (to Lady Montague) You’re a stunning lady, with surgery. Now! (Lord Capulet hands him the hat) Oh, good. (to Romeo) Would you like a pancake? Get out of here. (to Lord Capulet) Put the hat back on. You must understand. We are all friends together. We are all brothers. Thy love thyself, thy love thee. And this is why I say, you both must be married. Married in Heaven! Love thyself as thy love thy nature! As Rabbi Elikuda said, love thyself as thy love thee, thith I tho mythelth I thith! (to ord Capulet) Jump in, dummy, if you have a funny remark! All you know how to do is slap me around, that’s all you know how to do!

Lord Capulet: (laughing) Please, Friar, die by yourself.

Friar: Die by myself, hah? I hope Eddie Murphy robs your house. (audience applauds) Good night, we are fed up! (dips Juliet) I love you, my darling!

Submitted by: Susan Gleason

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 11th, 1984

Robin Williams

Adam Ant

Paula Poundstone

Bobsledders

Robin Williams’ Monologue

Williams does stand-up about the Olympics and being a father.

Buddweiser Light

Rival ice hockey players (Williams, Joe Piscopo) battle it out.

Rock & Roll & Then Some

Clarence Walker (Eddie Murphy) insists he was the fifth Beatle.

Wild Kingdom of Heaven

Gandhi & the Bandit

Gandhi (Tim Kazurinsky) rides a big rig.

Firing Line

William F. Buckley (Williams) explores the flammable black.

“Babies In Makeup”



(Repeat) See: 01/23/82.

Mime Roommate

Mime (Williams) annoys roommate (Brad Hall) who’s had a hard day.

The Playpen

Babies (Williams, Mary Gross, Tim Kazurinsky, Eddie Murphy) plot escape.

Saturday Night News with Robin Williams

Brad Hall interviews man mugged every 11 seconds (Jim Belushi).

Tim Kazurinsky shows off New York Post headlines.

The Ugly Sisters Step

Ugly sisters (Mary Gross, Robin Duke) are interviewed.

Recurring Characters: Nina Blackwood.

Siamese Twins in a Bar

Siamese twins (Williams, Jim Belushi) argue and look for women.

Patty’s Place

Guests (Mary Gross, Tim Kazurinsky) are behind and ahead on conversation.

Bobsledders

…..Joe Piscopo
Bobsledder…..Robin Williams
Other Bobsledders…..Eddie Murphy, Jim Belushi

[ open with Olympic fanfare, pan down to Joe Piscopo reporting ]

Joe Piscopo: Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports! The big story! Winter Olympics! Skiing? Skating? Ice Dancing? What’s next, Olympic Snowman Building? The only real sport – bobsledding! Speed! Risk! Action! With me now – real men! Bobsledders!

[ three Bobsledders dressed in tight spandex enter ]

Joe Piscopo: Guys. Guys. You’re about to start your run, how do you feel, guys?

Bobsledders: Good, good, good! Real good!

Bobsledder: We’re confident, Joe, we’re ready to go, you know what I’m saying!

Joe Piscopo: Alright, they’re about to start the run. Good luck, guys.

[ the Bobsledders run off ]

Joe Piscopo: There they go, this sport.. is.. awesome! Let’s take a look!

[ show footage of bobsled zooming down the track, with sounds of the bobsledders screaming in fear ]

Voice of Bobsledders: Ahhhhhhhhh!!!! Mama!! Mama!! Mama!!

Joe Piscopo: So much for the Winter Olympics! This is Joe Piscopo! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 9: 1983-1984


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Starring:

Jim Belushi

Robin Duke

Mary Gross

Brad Hall

Tim Kazurinsky

Gary Kroeger

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Eddie Murphy

Joe Piscopo

Episodes

10/08/83: Brandon Tartikoff / John Cougar

10/15/83: Danny DeVito & Rhea Perlman / Eddy Grant

10/22/83: John Candy / Men at Work

11/05/83: Betty Thomas / Stray Cats

11/12/83: Teri Garr / Mick Fleetwood’s Zoo & Lindsey Buckingham

11/19/83: Jerry Lewis / Loverboy

12/03/83: Tom & Dick Smothers / Big Country

12/10/83: Flip Wilson / Stevie Nicks

01/14/84: Father Guido Sarducci / Huey Lewis & The News

01/21/84: Michael Palin / The Motels

01/28/84: Don Rickles / Billy Idol

02/11/84: Robin Williams / Adam Ant

02/18/84: Jamie Lee Curtis / The Fixx

02/25/84: Edwin Newman / Kool & The Gang

03/17/84: Billy Crystal / Al Jarreau

04/07/84: Michael Douglas / Deniece Williams

04/14/84: George McGovern / Madness

05/05/84: Barry Bostwick / Spinal Tap

SummaryA long-time habit of “Saturday Night Live” has been to employ up-and-coming personalities as their hosts, but Dick Ebersol planned a different strategy for the 1983 season. Straying from their usual host selections, “SNL” recruiteded many older generation stars to become hosts – stars like Jerry Lewis, Flip Wilson and Don Rickles. Of the up-and-coming personalities, comedian Robin Williams makes his hosting debut, and future castmember Billy Crystal probably enjoyed hosting so much that he just had to come back to be on the show each week. Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo perform their final sketches this season (after the death of Buckwheat, what’s left to do?), as does everyone else from the 1981 cast – with the exception of Mary Gross, who must have thought she would get to do more sketches with Murphy and Piscopo far away from the cameras.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 8th, 1983

Brandon Tartikoff

John Cougar

Gene Siskel

Roger Ebert

Tartikoff’s Programming Ideas

Recurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.

Gumby & Pokey Rehearsal

Recurring Characters: Gumby.

NBC Pavement Promotion

Larry’s Corner

Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

John Cougar performs “Pink Houses”

Gun Rental

John Cougar performs “Crumblin’ Down”

NBC: Be There

Ethel’s Diner Tragedies

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 9: Episode 1

83a: Brandon Tartikoff / John Cougar

Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing Warehouse

Herb Feln…Joe Piscopo

[FADE IN on warehouse. Herb Feln is standing behind a desk with various items of clothing strewn about. In front of the desk, a selection of produce. Behind Feln, a few racks of clothing and signs on the wall, some reading “FELN’S DISCOUNT FOOD AND CLOTHING WAREHOUSE”, “95% GUARANTEE, 5% POLYESTER”, “E-Z CREDIT TERMS UNAVAILABLE” Feln is wearing a red jacket and loud tie]

Herb Feln: Hi, Herb Feln here, for Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing, 3535 North on Milwaukee Avenue. Well, it’s inventory time, and are we overstocked! You’ve caught us with our warehouse full of pants down! Yes, down, up, and halfway to Cleveland! All our designer fashions! All our fresh, delicious produce! Everything must go to make room for more, and are we willing to deal!

Take a look at this three piece outfit! [grabs items one by one] Shirt, bowtie, and ski glove! All made right here in America and guaranteed for the life of the garment, whichever comes first! Or how about this: [grabs more items one by one] Matching T-shirt and pomegranate! Take two! Take three! Take two! The more you buy, the more you have! And who can resist this: [grabs more items one by one] boxer shorts, kneepads, and concord grapes! [shakes grapes loose] Is that a combo or what? You tell us! Just take the shorts and the grapes! [throws grapes at camera, some juice splatters on the lens] At Feln’s, you’re the customer! [drops shorts]

Hey! What do we have here? [reaches behind desk, picks up hanger] First quality, top-of-the-line sleeveless dinner jackets! Aaaand inside each one, grapefruit from Florida! One in each pocket! [tosses it aside, sotto voce] Believe me, there’s another one in there… [normal pitch voice] You won’t be able to tell the difference! Need socks? Who doesn’t? Seven for a dollar! [picks up socks] That’s three and a half complete pairs for one dollar! [tosses socks, picks up avocados] Avocados, avocados, avocados! [does Crazy Eddie-esque hand gesture] Can you ever have enough? Buy two, get a shoe! [holds up black shoe] Buy four, get one more! [holds up non-matching tan shoe] Yes, a- a spare shoe for the office and the train! [thumps black shoe] Can you afford to be without one? [thumps to the next words] You tell us!

[by now, Feln is tossing random bits of food toward the camera] And remember! Remember you have Feln’s Food and Clothing Warehouse’s guarantee! You must, we repeat, you must [Joe Piscopo begins to break character] be absolutely delighted with our prices, or you’ll know why! How’s that for fair? [stifling laughter as “FELN’S DISCOUNT FOOD AND CLOTHING WAREHOUSE” graphic superimposes on lower half of screen] Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing Warehouse! Warehouse is our last name!

[applause and fade as Feln continues to toss food toward the camera dodging some being thrown back at him]

Submitted by: Larchman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 9: Episode 1

83a: Brandon Tartikoff / John Cougar

Goodnights

…Brandon Tartikoff

Brandon Tartikoff: You know, when I first said that I was going to do this show, and they publicized it that ‘The Boss’ was going to be on Saturday Night Live, there was a lot of disappointment when Bruce Springsteen didn’t show up, but I’m glad I was here, I’m glad I did it. Thanks to Roger Ebert, Gene Siskel, and this wonderful cast! Thank you!

Gary Kroeger: Goodbye!

[Mary Gross kisses and embraces Brandon. Joe Piscopo carries his son Joey on his shoulders as Gary does the same with Julia Louis-Dreyfus.]

Submitted by: Larchman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 9: Episode 1

83a: Brandon Tartikoff / John Cougar

NBC: Be There

Announcer…Joe Piscopo (v/o)

[FADE IN on red letter NBC graphic, with grey background dotted with miniature peacocks as per the 1983 NBC promo graphics]

Announcer: This fall, NBC is getting tough on the competition! Did we say competition? [fade to stills with various show titles and photos] T.J. Hooker? Hotel? Goodnight Beantown? That’s not competition, that’s a load of crap! [fade to candle in book-lined study, pan right to minister sitting in chair reading the Bible] You’d have to be crazy to watch it, or a godless Communist. Right, Reverend?

Rev. Luther Woodhead: [removes glasses, SUPER: “REV. LUTHER WOODHEAD. CHAIRMAN, GOOD CHRISTIANS FOR BETTER TELEVISION”] Anyone who watches Hotel this year on ABC is condemning his soul to eternal damnation! [puts glasses back on and resumes reading]

Announcer: Reason enough to watch NBC, but don’t take our word for it, ask your docton. [fade to doctor standing in operating room]

Doctor: [closes clipboard, SUPER: “A DOCTOR”] As I tell all my patients, CBS’s new fall schedule is a leading cause of heart disease in America.

[fade to NBC peacock ‘Be There’ graphic]

Announcer: NBC. Watch us, or die and go to Hell!

[applause and fade]

Submitted by: Larchman

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 15th, 1983

Danny DeVito

Rhea Perlman

Eddy Grant

Dick Cavett

Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood

Recurring Characters: Mister Robinson.

What Would Frank Do?

Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Dion Dion.