Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12

80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

SNL Storage Room

…..Chevy Chase
…..Denny Dillon

[ open on exterior, Studio 8-H, as Chevy Chase enters the hallway to thunderous audience applause ]

[ Chevy approaches a Storeroom closet, looks around, then opens the door ]

[ as he does, Denny Dillon suddenly exits ]

Chevy Chase: What, uh — what happened to my dressing room?

Denny Dillon: Well, uh, Chevy, you see… NBC had to tighten their belts a little — you know, cut back on budget — so we all dress in there now.

Chevy Chase: Oh, yeah?

Denny Dillon: Turn off the light when you leave, okay?

Chevy Chase: Okay.

[ Denny walks away, the elongated feather in her hat tickling its way across Chevy’s nose, prompting him to sneeze into his hand helplessly ]

[ Chevy enters the storeroom to find 70’s-era SNL props and costumes ]

Chevy Chase: Oh, wow… [ he touches various props ] Coneheads… [ he spots his Land Shark head, covered in cobwebs ] Ah! [ he sticks his hand through the head and mumbles ] “Mrs….?”

[ suddenly, the sound of Mr. Bill mumbling in a trash heap can be heard, so Chevy digs him out of the pile of cobwebbed beer cans ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, boy! Chevy! Thanks a lot for taking me out of there! I didn’t think anyone would EVER find me!

Chevy Chase: Oh, Mr. Bill… what — what happened to you?

Mr. Bill: Oh, well, gee! We had a big party at the end of last season, and, oh, I guess I drank too much and I must have passed out!

Chevy Chase: Oh…

Mr. Bill: And when I came to, I was trapped in here and couldn’t get out!

Chevy Chase: Oh, you poor little fellow! Well, gee, everybody’s been wondering what the heck you’ve been doing!

Mr. Bill: That’s right! I was supposed to do a whole lot of important things before I got trapped in here. Boy, I bet Benjy is real mad at me — I was supposed to co-star with him in a movie! I sure hope they got a decent replacement.

Chevy Chase: [ stung ] Uh — it’s a SILLY idea anyway, Mr. Bill! [ he peels Mr. Bill’s nose off and tosses it over his shoulder ] I’m sure it wasn’t important

Mr. Bill: So, uh, Chevy, uh — am I late for the new season?

Chevy Chase: Well… yeah, you’re a little late, but they all are! [ he grabs Mr. Bill ] Gee, Mr. Bill…

Mr. Bill: Be careful.

Chevy Chase: I get this feeling they just don’t have the time for old-timers like us any more. The fans just don’t care that much.

Mr. Bill: Oh, now come on, Chevy! Don’t feel that way. Hey, look — we can make a comeback, huh? Hey, you know, they were even talking to me about anchoring “Weekend Update”! Say! Maybe you can do those funny faces behind me like you used to, huh? Hey, that’d be funny!

Chevy Chase: [ poking Mr. Bill roughly in the belly ] That’s a FUNNY idea! Ha ha ha ha! [ he tweaks Mr. Bill’s face viciously ]

Mr. Bill: Hey, wait! Hey, hey! Watch that! Hey, Chevy, come on!

Chevy Chase: I’ll tell you something, Mr. Bill — I don’t think they really care about slapstick any more. Hey, by the way — [ he begins to hammer Mr. Bill against his palm, the clay man’s head flying ]

Mr. Bill: Hey! Hey, wait! Hey, uh… Chevy… I’m down on the floor. Could you help me?

Chevy Chase: [ looking around ] Oh. Sorry, Mr. Bill. [ he picks up his clay head ] I almost lost you for a second!

Mr. Bill: Listen, Chevy, um — um —

Chevy Chase: You must be exhausted.

[ Chevy attempts to put Mr. Bill’s nose back, dislodging his head in the process ]

Mr. Bill: Listen, have you seen my dog, Spot, lately? I sent him for help last year!

Chevy Chase: Spot? I — I’ll look around.

[ Chevy takes a step back, as we hear a muffled dog bark ]

Chevy Chase: Whoa-oh!

Mr. Bill: Hey, what?! What was that Spot?

Chevy Chase: I don’t know. I stepped on something?

[ Chevy turns his shoe over to reveal a flattened Spot ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, noooo!!

Chevy Chase: Oh!

Mr. Bill: Hey, Chevy! You ought to be more careful where you step!

Chevy Chase: [ hopping around ] I — I can get him off! Don’t you worry about a thing.

[ Chevy grabs the Samurai sword to scrape Spot off his shoe ]

Mr. Bill: Hey, you watch that sword, Chevy!

Chevy Chase: I’ll just get him off, don’t worry.

Mr. Bill: No, no, watch out! Leave him alone!

Chevy Chase: [ losing his balance ] Tell you what, you relax here —

Mr. Bill: Hey, watch out, be careful!

Chevy Chase: I’m not gonna step on him again!

[ Chevy grabs a clothes rack and topples over backwards ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, nooooo!!! Ohhhhh!!!

[ crumpled amidst all the props, Chevy glances at the camera and shouts ]

Chevy Chase: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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  Season 6: Episode 12

80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

Same

Irene Cara…..Gail Matthius

[ open on male dancers on stage ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Miss Irene Cara!

[ Irene runs out and stands between the male dancers ]

Irene Cara: [ singing ]
“Baby, look at me
The girl who’s on TV
Sing the same song every time
Now you must know every rhyme by heart!

Grammys, Oscars, too
I do Captain Kangaroo
But you’re in good company
If you’re bored, think of me!

It’s always the sa-ame!
(Same!)
I sing the same some forever!
Next time, I may sing “Mame”!
(Mame!)
Suffer the least rejection
And not have to wear these pants!
(Pants!)
I keep getting yeast infections
This song has been always the same!
(Same! Same! Same! Same! Same! Same! Same! Same!)

At the Golden Globes
They ran short on stuff
Oh no, that was really nice
‘Cause they made me sing it twice in a row!

Diana Ross, for sure
Did not start out this way
All the kids at 21
Get to go out and have fun!

But me, it’s the same!
(Same!)
I sing this song forever
Just like some sci-fi film!
(Shoo!)
I play this lead on “Love Boat”
I play bits without malice!
(Same!)
I sing this song, the nation
Switches channels to “Dallas”
(Dallas!)
I wonder where all the fun went
Let me tell you, just goes redundant!
(Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant!)

Remember my name!
I wish I was Marie Osmond
I think I’m going to flip!
(Wow!)
I could now sing “Aida”
Get to wear clothes that unzip!
(Wow!)
I could not live forever
Constantly bearing the shame!
(Shame!)
Of being the only human
Who always sings exactly the same!

Exactly the same!
(Same!)”

[ Irene and her back-up dancers stop, with their arms in the air ]

[ after a moment, the music kicks up again, and Irene and her back-up dancers hop off the stage and shimmy down the outer hall of Studio 8-H ]

[ fade ]

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  Season 6: Episode 12

80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

The Self-Righteous

Announcer…..Michael O’Donoghue
Nurse…..Robin Duke
Police Officer…..Tony Rosato
Reporter…..Joe Piscopo
Doctor…..Tim Kazurinsky
Gunshot Victim…..Eddie Murphy

(Open on a still of a hospital where we see the superimposed text “Coming This Fall on NBC” in its coporate font with the NBC peacock logo on the bottom left corner of the screen. Jazzy, commanding music plays in the background)

Announcer V/O: They’re tough. They’re dedicated. They’re professionals who take their jobs seriously. They’re the self-righteous.

(Fade in on the hospital’s interior where we see the title card superimposed on the screen. The nurse at the front desk is seen talking on the phone. The title fades out as she hangs it up and a policeman walks in.)

Police Officer: Okay, look. I got to talk to that gunshot victim in there just for a few seconds, okay? I mean, it could help us get that killer off the streets.

Nurse: Well, forget it. That man in there is seriously injured. I’m a nurse and a damn good one and it’s my job to save lives, not play Cops and Robbers.

Police Officer: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe if you cooperated, there’d be some more people out there that you wouldn’t have to patch up later. I’m a cop, damn it! It’s my job to protect them! (A reporter walks in holding a pencil and a note pad )

Reporter: Yeah, Daily Press. Iwas wondering if–

Police Officer: No comments on this case.

Reporter: Hey, I don’t know what you’re covering up in there, but those people out there have a right to know! I’m a reporter! It’s my duty to tell them! A doctor runs in)

Doctor: Hey, hey. This is a hospital. There are people dying in there. Now, I don’t know what’s going on out here, but I’m reponsible for their lives. So, shut up! (Takes off his surgical mask)

Nurse: [sarcastically] Oh-ho. Oh-ho! Well, maybe if you spent a little less time dealing with microbes and dealt with people like me, then maybe you’d understand them.

Doctor: Understanding people doesn’t save their lives.

Reporter: Hey, while you two are standing there talking, there are people in there dying and people out there waiting for the truth.

Police Officer: Oh, yeah? Why don’t you try walking a beat, huh? (The reporter scoffs as the gunshot victim walks in)

Gunshot Victim: Hey, wait a minute! Don’t I have a say here? After all, it’s my body! I’m a patient here. I’m a human being with human rights (turns to the doctor) and for one, I demand the right to die with dignity.

Doctor: You only have a flesh wound.

Gunshot Victim: And two, I have the right–

Doctor: Don’t bore us with that stuff. Listen–

Gunshot Victim: Hey, don’t point at me. My mother’s dead.

(Everyone starts arguing as the music starts playing again)

Announcer V/O: Five tediously self-absorbed people. The Self-Righteous. Coming this fall on NBC, proud as a peacock.

(Fade to a black background with the NBC peacock with the text NBC PROUD AS A PEACOCK below)

Submitted by: Kyleman88

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 9

80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

Pillow Pets

Husband…..Gilbert Gottfried
Wife…..Ann Risley

[ open on married couple’s bedroom, night ]

Wife: I don’t understand it. I mean, we’ve talked about this before. I thought we had come to an agreement, and yet you still persist.

Husband: I thought he needed to get out.

Wife: FIVE times a day?! You need to take the dog out FIVE times a day?

Husband: When you have a dog, you have to take them for walks.

Wife: The, wha — well, you never pay that much attention to me.

Husband: Well… we walk. The dog doesn’t mind when you come along.

Wife: Well — it’s not just the walking. I mean, the whole thing! I mean, I look in the closet, and I see FIVE coats for the dog!

Husband: It’s Winter.

Wife: Wha — this is too much! I mean, this is just too mich! I mean, I wouldn’t mind it if it was a REAL dog! [ she picks up a pillow with a cat’s face stitched into it ] But, THIS!

Husband: That’s not the dog. That’s the cat.

Wife: Oh, okay! [ she grabs the dog pillow ] THIS one! The DOG, the CAT! What difference does it make?!

Husband: It makes a very big difference — I don’t like the cat. If you want the cat, you have the cat.

Wife: [ exasperated ] No, I don’t want the cat, I don’t want the dog!

Husband: Why’d you marry me for?

Wife: Well — it’s just that I thought any man who could show THAT much love for these would have a lot of love to give me.

Husband: Well, you were wrong. And don’t hold them so close– they start to fight.

Wife: Oh! That would bother you if they start to fight? Oh!

[ she makes the pillows fight with one another, as her husband screams in pain ]

Husband: I HATE IT WHEN THEY FIGHT!! STOP IT!!!

Wife: [ she throws the pillows down ] Alright, THAT’S it! I’m going to my mother’s!

[ she frantically packs an overnight bag from the closet ]

Husband: Does — does this mean you’re not coming back?

Wife: I don’t know.

Husband: Well, if you decide to come back… can you bring some dog food? [ he swats the cat ] Nothing for you.

Wife: Look — what am I supposed to tell my mother? That I lost you to soem stuffed thing?

Husband: Nnnno, that’s ridiculous. Tell her it was another woman.

Wife: Right. I can’t deal with this any more.

[ she exits the bedroom ]

Husband: [ he looks down at his two pillows ] I lied. I love it when you two fight!

[ he makes the pillows attack one another and climbs on top of them across the bed ]

[ fade ]

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  Season 6: Episode 9

80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

A Message from the President of the United States

President Ronald Reagan…..Charles Rocket
Nancy Reagan…..Gail Matthius
Guests…..Andy Murphy, Terry Sweeney

Announcer: [ over slide ] “The Battle of the World Superpowers” will be delayed tonight, so that we may bring you this message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Ronald Reagan seated in the Oval Office ]

President Ronald Reagan: Hello! I’m speaking to you tonight about the state of our economy. I regret to say that it’s in the worst shape since the Great Depression. It’s a complex problem, so I’m going to explan it to you very simply — just like they explained it to me. Now, here’s what a $500 bill was in 1960. [ he holds up a $500 bill ] Today, the same $500 bill is worth… [ he rips it in half ] on-ehalf that much, because of government waste. Who can figure it? To help, I’ve drawn some simple charts.

[ cut to crude chart drawing ]

Here, you see how Government Spending is running ahead of Government Revenues. And you know what that means:

[ cut to crude drawing of Mr. Taxpayer cursing his bills ]

Poor old Mr. Taxpayer is sweating it out. Now… here’s another chart I’e prepared:

[ cut to crude drawing of optical illusion of two lines labeled “One Line” and “Another Line” ]

It’s hard to believe, but the two lines are of equal length. It’s an optical illusion! But… back to serious stuff. Here’s another chart:

[ cut to crude drawing of two angled lines labeled “Life Expectancy” and “My Age”, marked “70” and “My birthday yesterday” at their intersection ]

The bottom line is popular life expectancy. The top line is my age. As you see, those two lines met yesterday, on my 70th birthday.

[ return to Reagan at his desk, as Nancy and other guests swarm him with a cake ]

Guests: SURPRIIIIISE!!!!

President Ronald Reagan: Oh… what an unexpected surprise!

[ Reagan blows out the candle, which causes him to pass out headfirst on the cake ]

[ he looks up from the cake and faces the camera, his face covered in frosting ]

President Ronald Reagan: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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  Season 6: Episode 9

80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

Televised Criminal Trial

Judge…..Joe Piscopo
Bailiff…..Matthew Laurance
Jose Gomez…..Gilbert Gottfried
…..Jim Fowler
Jury Foreman…..Patrick Weathers

Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “Recently the Supreme Court ruled that states are free to permit the televising of criminal trials. The following is a trial in Small Claims court…”

[ dissolve to close-up of a black-and-white television, as a televised trial airs ]

Judge: [ banging gavel ] Court is in order! Bailiff, what is tonight’s case?

Bailiff: Well, tonight we have a young man who claims he bit into a ball bearing while eating a meatball hero outside of DaMassa’s Italian restaurant.

Judge: Ah-ha. Well, could you call the first witness, please!

Bailiff: Uh, yes — would Jose Gomez please take the stand?

Jose Gomez: [ standing ] With pleasure, Your Honor!

Judge: Mr. Gomez, why don’t you tell the ladies and gentlemen of the jury what happened to you when you ate at DaMassa’s Italian Restaurant a couple of weeks ago?

Jose Gomez: Not only will I tell you what happened… but I have brought a witness with me, too — the waiter who served me that very night! [ he holds up his painted hand ] Were you the waiter that night? [ in his Senor Wences voice ] Yes, I was! [ in his normal voice ] Okay! You are going to tell then EXACTLY what happened! Waiter… do you serve crabs here? [ in his Senor Wences voice ] We serve anybody here!

[ the Judge gavels a rim shot ]

Jose Gomez: Seriously, Waiter — I would like a meatball hero. He brings me the meatball hero, I bite in, what do I find? [ in his Senor Wences voice ] A ball bearing! [ in his normal voice ] A ball bearing? It MUST be an accident! [ in his Senor Wences voice ] It was NO accident! We did it ON PURPOSE! [ in his normal voice ] But, please! I am going without complaining! [ in his Senor Wences voice ] NO! You should SUE us! [ in his normal voice ] I will NOT do it! [ in his Senor Wences voice ] Sue us for $50,000!

Judge: Well, thank you very much, Jose. Uh, that is quite an interesting story, I must say. Uh, we have — we just have another witness that’s just DYING to come out. Bailiff, uh, could you introduce him, please?

Bailiff: I sure can, Your Honor!

Judge: Thank you.

Bailiff: Our next witness is an expert on wildlife, as a result of his MANY years on Mutual of Omaha’s “Wild Kingdom”. Would JIM FOWLER please take the stand?

[ the courtroom applauds Jim Fowler’s entrance, as Jose Gomez moves one witness seat over ]

Judge: Well, well, Jim — what interesting creature did you bring for us today?

Jim Fowler: This little fellow’s an alligator.

Judge: Ohhh! And where are most alligators found?

Jim Fowler: Well, 80% of ’em are found in the swamps of Florida, and 20% are found in the sewers of New York City.

Judge: Is that where you found this one, Jim?

Jim Fowler: I found this one in an alley behind DeMassa’s Italian Restaurant.

Judge: Ah. And what was it doing there?

Jim Fowler: It was eating ball bearings.

Judge: Ah-ha. Well, thank you very much, Jim Fowler. All the evidence is in. Has the jury reached its verdict?

Jury Foreman: Uh, yes, we have. [ he stands ] We don’t find Mr. Gomez’s claim valid. [ he smiles for the cameras ]

Judge: [ surprised ] oh. Well, thank you very much. Mr. Gomez, do you have anything to say?

Jose Gomez: Yes! You may all hear me appealing this case at the New York State of appeals on February 28th!

[ the camera pans over to Jim Fowler ]

Jim Fowler: I’ll be at the Bird Sanctuary at St. Louis, this Tuesday.

Judge: Well, thank you for coming! Court IS adjourned! Stay tuned for “One Live to Live”, with Jean Harris. Good night.

[ credits scroll:

“Produced by Warren Burger

Directed by Potter Stewart

Techinical Consultants: Thurgood Marahall, William Brennan, Byron White

This has been a Justice Department production” ]

[ fade ]

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  Season 6: Episode 10


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:
February 14th, 1981

Deborah Harry

Funky 4 + 1 More

None

Marc Weiner

Chris Stein

Clem Burke

Andy Murphy
Is Frank Sinatra a Hoodlum?Summary: President Ronald Reagan (Charles Rocket) discusses the issue with Frank Sinatra (Joe Piscopo).

Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan, Frank Sinatra.

Transcript

Montage

Deborah Harry’s MonologueSummary: Deborah Harry acknowledges her similar-coifed parents in the audience; Cupid (Eddie Murphy) fires his arrow.

Transcript

“Don’t Look In The Refrigerator”Summary: Expired leftovers are the makings of a new horror movie.

Transcript

The LivelysSummary: Phil Lively (Charles Rocket) ponders putting his retired game shos emcee father (Don Pardo) in a retirement home.

Recurring Characters: Phil Lively, Francis Lively.

Transcript

NewsbreakSummary: Eddie Murphy reports on a variety of news topics, including Jean Harris, the fires in Las Vegas, and Poland’s attack on Russia.

Transcript

Where’s Cooter?Summary: Cooter (Gilbert Gottfried) and his family win accolades as a real-life one-act play, according to the Tennessee Williams Authority.

Transcript

The Rocket ReportSummary: Charles Rocket cautiously ventures into the unknown to determine how scary Central Park is.

Transcript

Paulie Herman at Card CornerSummary: Jersey Guy Paulie Herman (Joe Piscopo) looks for the perfect Valentine’s card to send to his relatives.

Recurring Characters: Paulie Herman.

Transcript

Deborah Harry performs “Love TKO”

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail MatthiusSummary: Staunch conservative and Reagan philosopher Atkinson Peabody III (Gilbert Gottfried) explains how various welfare handouts to the homeless cancels out the idea of poor people living in America. The ambassador of Poland (Andy Murphy) expresses glee in his country’s sudden invasion of Russia. Sports reporter Joe Piscopo interviews boxing hand puppet Weindulah (Marc Weiner), who also raps.

Big BrotherSummary: Big Brother (Gilbert Gottfried) keeps a watchful yet shy eye on Michelle Richards (Deborah Harry), whom he wants to ask out.

Transcript

“Sweet Hearts”Summary: In a film by Leon Ichaso, laundry thieves (Matthew Laurance, Ann Risley) rob women’s undergarments from a laundromat, turn against one another while partying at their hideout.

Soho LesbiansSummary: Upon visiting their neice Susan (Deboah Harry) in Soho, Pinky (Denny Dillon) and Leo Waxman (Gilbert Gottfried) are surprised to learn her true sexual orientaton.

Recurring Characters: Pinky Waxman, Leo Waxman.

Transcript

Deborah Harry performs “Come Back Jonee”Note: Former Blondie members Chris Stein and Clem Burke join Deborah Harry’s performance.

NewsbreakSummary: Eddie Murphy delivers more information on Poland’s attack strategy against Russia.

Transcript

King Kong SyndromeSummary: Faye’s (Deborah Harry) date echoes the final scene of “King Kong.”

Valley GirlsSummary: Valley girls Vickie (Gail Matthius) and Debbie (Denny Dillon) run into Tina (Deborah Harry), who dropped out of high school.

Recurring Characters: Vickie, Debbie.

Funky 4 + 1 More performs “That’s The Joint”

GoodnightsTranscript

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  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Big Brother

Big Brother…..Gilbert Gottfried
Michelle Richards…..Deborah Harry

[ open on close-up of TV screen buzzing, as sunrise imagery appears ]

Female TV V/O: Time to wake up! It’s 8:10 a.m., Monday, September 27th. 1984. Your name is Michelle Richards, Social Security Number 505-140-9709, and now for the morning morale.

[ Michelle stretches and rises out of bed ]

Male TV V/O: I feel good. I feel good contributing to the well-being of our industrial index. Bless Big Brother and our powerful nation.

Female TV V/O: And now for… Big Brother!

[ Big Brother’s image wipes onto the screen ]

Big Brother: Hello, Michelle Richards. You work for North American International.

Michelle Richards: [ enthusiastically ] Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: Your position there is Security.

Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: You are still employed by that corporation.

Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: Recite the National Motto.

Michelle Richards: [ collecting her thoughts ] “Discipline is POWER! Government control is FREEDOM!”

Big Brother: Are you in sound body and work-ready?

Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: You may begin the assigned work day.

Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: Miss Richards?

Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: May I call you “Michelle”?

Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: [ meekly ] Um… Michelle? I-I know I’m Big Brother and everything… but… I-I was wondering if you’d like to go out and have dinner with me sometime.

Michelle Richards: [ taken aback ] Oh… I-I-I don’t know what to say. Big Brother asking me to go out for dinner?

Big Brother: I-i-i-if you don’t want to, I understand. But, you know, I… well, I-I like you and everything, and I know every day when I address you at the morning registration that I sound very harsh. And I don’t mean to, because I-I-I’m a nice guy.

Michelle Richards: Uh, this is so strange, I — I — I, uh, I’m just a common worker. Um… I don’t know what to say. Uhhh… you should have told me this before.

Big Brother: Well, I-I-I meant to, but… I don’t know, I… I thought you were gonna turn me down.

Michelle Richards: So what if I turned you down?

Big Brother: Well, you know, then I’d have to address you every day on the screen, and I’d feel like a shlep.

Michelle Richards: Well, I don’t know. I think you’re kind of cute!

Big Brother: You’re just saying that.

Michelle Richards: No, no, really! Uh, but… but… Big Brother, uhhh…

Big Brother: You can call me “Melvin”.

Michelle Richards: Well, Melvin… I-I-I din’t know if I really want to get into a relationship right now. Every guy I’ve been going out with recently, I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or something, but they’ve been taken away by the government to be reprogrammed.

Big Brother: [ nervously ] Yeah… I-I-I know that, Michelle.

Michelle Richards: [ naively ] What do you mean, you know?

Big Brother: Well, Michelle, I… I ordered them reprogrammed.

Michelle Richards: You ordered them reprogrammed? Why?

Big Brother: You know. Every week, I’d see you come home with another guy, and I-I’d be watching the two of you —

Michelle Richards: You were watching?!

Big Brother: Well, it’s all part of the Big Brother set-up. You know, I-I’m all perched up here —

Michelle Richards: You mean, you were watching when I’m here with no clothes on?

Big Brother: Yeah, but it’s not what you think. Y-you see… I like you. And I would love to be with you. And… I don’t know… I-I thought if I could get those other guys out of the way, then… maybe I’d build up enough courage to ask you out.

Michelle Richards: We-e-e-ell… I think that’s just beautiful.

Big Brother: Well, but… I mean… Michelle. Will — is it okay? Will you go out with me?

Michelle Richards: Well, yes — yes, Melvin, I will. Uh… [ Big Brother becomes stone-faced ] Melvin? Melvin! Yes! I said yes, I will.

Big Brother: [ fuming ] I don’t want you now, you’re too easy.

Michelle Richards: [ outraged ] Wha-a-a-a-at??!

Big Brother: You’re TOO easy! You’re going to have to be reprogrammed!

[ agents burst through Michelle’s door and drag her away ]

Michelle Richards: Oh, Melvin! Oh! Oh, Melvin! Give a girl a chance, Melvin…!

[ camera pans upward into audience and stops on man, with SUPER: “Survived St. Valentine’s Day Massacre” ]

[ fade ]

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  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Where’s Cooter?

Sister…..Ann Risley
Father…..Charles Rocket
Mama…..Denny Dillon
Cooter…..Gilbert Gottfried
Raylene…..Gail Matthius
Agent…..Matthew Laurance
Audience Members…..Andy Murphy, Yvonne Hudson

[ open on Sister seated on a rustic front porch, as Father exits from the screen door sipping from a can of beer ]

Sister: Wherrre’s Cooter?

[ Father sits on the wooden steps next to Mama ]

Father: Where the hell is Cooter, anyhow?

Mama: [ peeling a potato ] Cooter? I ain’t seen him for about an hour!

Father: He’s bin gone an hour?

Mama: Cooter?

Father: Cooter! He bin gone an hour? Well, he shoulda bin back about a half-hour ago!

Mama: Well, then, he’s a half-hour late!

Father: Well, what time did he leave?

Mama: [ thinking ] Well, now… what time is it now?

Father: [ glancing upward ] Well, I reckon by figurin’ from the sun, it oughta be about four o’clock in the afternoon!

Mama: Four already. Shoot! Cooter, he went at THREE!

Father: Then he’s bin gone about an HOUR!

[ Mama nods her head ]

Sister: Wherrrre’s Cooter?

Father: That’s what we bin tryin’ to find OUT!

Mama: He said… he was goin’! [ to Father ] ‘Sides, he’s your son.

Father: Well, SHOOT! You married ‘im! ‘Sides, he’s your brother!

Mama: [ confused ] I thought he was YOUR brother?!

Father: Well, who can keep track any more? Anyway, if he’s bin gone an hour, that’s an awful long time for him to be gone so long!

[ suddenly, Cooter creeps slowly up the path beside the porch ]

Father: Well, here he is now, and none too soon! Where the hell you BIN, boy?!

[ Cooter sips on a tree stump ]

Cooter: Nothin’. I ain’t bin doin’ nothin’.

Mama: Where you bin, Cooter?!

Cooter: Nothin’. I ain’t bin doin’ nothin’.

Sister: Wherrrrre’s Cooter?

Mama: He’s back! He’s back now, Sis!

Father: Yeah, he’s BACK… but he ain’t BIN nowhere, and he ain’t bin doin’ NOTHIN’!

Cooter: Well, STOP accusin’ me, ’cause… I ain’t bin nowhere, and I ain’t bin doin’ nothin’!

Father: Son, that’s what I bin accusin’ you of, is doin’ NOTHIN’! But I know what you SHOULD be doin’! You SHOULD be around back workin’ on that DODGE, instead of hoverin’ around here doin’ NOTHIN’!

Mama: Yeeeah! You should be hoverin’ around that DIESEL!

Father: Ya oughtta be back there workin’ on that DODGE!

Cooter: Yeah, well, I oughtta be around the back, workin’ on that Dodge!

Father: [ shaking his head ] Well, that’s a good i-dea! Cooter, why don’t ya’ just go out on BACK there?!

Cooter: I got a good mind to go back there, and work on that Dodge! I just may do that! I may leave the three of you here, and go around the back and work on that Dodge.

Father: Well, I’ll tell you one thing, Boy: You just better DON’T!

Cooter: Well, I ain’t goin’ to!

Mama: Well, that car’s just sittin’ there, WAITIN’ to be MASHED!

[ suddenly, Raylene runs into the yard, slapping the porch with a flyswatter ]

Raylene: Mama?! Mama?!

Father: Herrre’s Raylene.

Raylene: Mama?! On the road! Dust! A stranger’s comin’! Mama?!

[ Raylene runs up the porch and slap the door with her flyswatter ]

Mama: Ohhh, she’s up to that slappin’ thing again!

[ Raylene crashes at Mama’s side ]

Raylene: I’m tired, Mama! I’m tired of slappin’!

Father: Then, why don’t you just QUIT your damn slappin’, girl?!

[ Raylene bunches her dress around her arm and makes a crying sound emit from it ]

Mama: [ to Father ] Now, see what you done? You made the BABY cry!

Father: Well, I shoulda figured!

Raylene: Mama?! My baby’s cryin’! Mmmmama! [ she continues crying into her arm ]

Mama: Now, that’s alright, little thing, it’s gonna be alright! The baby’s gonna be alright!

Raylene: Mama?! Now they’re BOTH cryin’!

[ Raylene begins crying into both of her arms ]

Mama: Ohhh, now it’s just gonna be alright. The babies are gonna be alright, Raylene!

Sister: Babies… bugs… build me a coffin! [ she leans back in her chair ] Wherrrrre’s Cooter?

Father: Well, he ain’t around back workin’ on that DODGE!! [ he kicks Cooter on the side ]

Cooter: Well… stop accusin’ me. I ain’t doin’ NOTHIN’!

[ suddenly, a literary agent enters the yard ]

Agent: Uh — excuse me, folks! I’ve got some good news for you! I’m from the Tennessee Williams Authority — you’ve just qualified to be a one-act play!

[ the family stares at him dumbfoundedly ]

Agent: THOUSANDS of people all over the WORLD are gonna see you! And the author himself has asked me to invite you for cocktails at breakfast, at his studio in New York! Well? Waht do you say? Huh? Yes or no?

Father: Welllll, uhh… I guess it…

Mama: Well, now, I don’t see no harm…

Agent: Well, that means YES, then! Yes, it is! [ he calls out to a crowd behind him ] Come on in! Come on in, that’s it!

[ an audience wanders into the yard and places down their folding chairs ]

Agent: [ as he passes out playbills ] That’s it! Now — there’ll be no smoking in the first two rows, and, uh, there’ll be a brief intermission, and sangria and coffee will be served after the show! Okay? Please enjoy the show!

[ the agent exits the yard, as the family stares into space before picking up where they left off ]

Mama: Cooter? Cooter! Why don’t you go somewhere and kill an hour?

Father: Ohhh, yes sir, why don’t you just go on around back there and fix up that DODGE! [ he kicks Cooter in the hind quarters ]

Cooter: I might do that. I might go around the back.

Sister: Where’s Cooter?

[ Raylene cries into her shoulder, as the audience applauds this first act ]

[ camera pulls back, with SUPER: “Coming Up: Braille Peep Show” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

“Don’t Look In The Refrigerator!”

Housewife…..Deborah Harry

[ camera enters front door to slow zoom to refrigerator ]

Announcer: You’re back from vacation. A month in the sun was fun.But now, you’re hungry. You’re thinking of having just a little somethingbefore bed – something light. [ refrigerator door opens to a pile ofdisgusting leftovers ] Maybe some cottage cheese!

[ quick zoom upward to Housewife screaming ]

Announcer: “Don’t Look In The Refrigerator!” The terrifying journeyinto the world of leftovers! “Don’t Look In The Refrigerator!” Coming toa theater near you.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts