Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

An SNL Digital Short

Homeowner…..Andy Samberg
Burglar #1…..Fred Armisen
Burglar #2…..Kenan Thompson
Actress…..Helen Mirren
Pizza Man…..Bobby Moynihan

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to the sounds of a door being kicked in ]

[ Homeowner wakes up in distress to the noise, looks at his clock to see it’s 3:24 in the morning, then looks out the bedroom window to see two burglars scurrying past ]

[ the Homeowner jumps out of bed, grabs his cellphone and quickly dials 9-1-1 ]

[ by now, the burglars are inside the house and closing in, so the Homeowner scoots under his bed ]

Voice: 9-1-1. What’s your emergency?

[ from ground level, the burglars can be seen entering the bedroom ]

Voice: Hello?

[ the Homeowner hangs up his cellphone ]

Burglar #1: Did you hear that?

Burglar #2: What? It’s nothing. Just get the stuff.

Burglar #1: Okay.

[ the burglars exit the bedroom ]

[ trying to keep quiet, the Homeowner pulls up an “Emergency 9-1-1′ app on his cellphone and presses the button ]

[ screen:
“911 Emergency
The Automated Rescue Dispatch Application!
Loading…” ]

Homeowner: [ to himself ] Go, go, go, go, go…

[ screen:
“presented by
RESCUE DOGS 3D
coming soon” ]

Announcer: This summer! Helen Mirren is top dog in… “Rescue Dogs 3D”!

Homeowner: Come on…

Actress: I want your gun and your leash — you’re off the case!

Announcer: “Rescue Dogs 3D”! Sit, stay, help is on the way!

Homeowner: Okay…

Voiceover: What is the nature of your emergency?

[ screen:
“Medical
Robbery/Home Invasion
Car Accident
Other” ]

[ Homeowner presses his selection ]

Voiceover: Roberry/Home Invasion.

[ the burglars continue to pass at the window ]

Voiceover: Where should we send help?

[ screen: “Current GPSEnter address” ]

Voiceover: GPS. Please select your theater for “Rescue Dogs 3D.”

[ Homeowner presses a selection ]

Voiceover: Please pick a showtime for “Rescue Dogs 3D.”

[ Homeowner tries to skip this step, but… ]

[ screen: “You Must Choose a Showtime to Proceed” ]

Voiceover: Thank you for your purchase of 99 child tickets.

[ the app accesses his Address Book ]

Homeowner: NO!

[ names zip by: Doug Abeles, Anthony Ableton, Ken Aymong, Hannibel Burress, Jillian Bell… ]

Homeowner: NO!

[ screen:
“COMPLETE!
All 354 contacts emailed to join you at
RESCUE DOGS 3D” ]

[ Homeowner looks up to see the burglars carrying his big screen TV past the window ]

[ his cellphone flashes an ALERT! ]

Voiceover: Are you having a HUNGER EMERGENCY? Let the Rescue Dogs help, with 2 for 1 pizzas from Pizza Hut!

[ more crashing sounds in the background ]

Voiceover: Thanks for your order! Be patient, help is on the way!

Homeowner: Great… okay.

[ screen:
Anthony Ableton
Hey Dave, just got your email.
CANCEL. REPLY.” ]

[ screen:
“Anthony Ableton
Haven’t heard from U in 5 years.
Rescue Dogs 3D?! Are U 4 real?!
CANCEL. REPLY.” ]

Homeowner: What..? NO!

[ he looks up to see the Pizza Man approach the two burglars ]

Pizza Man: Hey, you guys ordered Pizza Hut? I got your “Rescue Dogs” snack pack.

Burglar #2: [ outraged ] WHAT?! Let’s SHOOT this motherfucker!

Pizza Man: What?!

[ Burglar #1 fires three times and fells the Pizza Man ]

Homeowner: [ gasping at the sight ] Oh, sn– [ he covers his mouth, but it’s too late ]

[ the burglars glance at the sound, spot the Homeowner crouched under his bed, and march inside ]

Burglar #2: Hey! Jim! Hey, Jim!

Homeowner: Wait! Don’t shoot! I didn’t see anything! Just take anything you want!

Burglar #2: Sorry… but no witnesses!

[ suddenly, a loud WOOF echos through the house ]

[ everyone glances as one of the Rescue Dogs steps into the room ]

Homeowner: [ slo-mo ] Rescue Dog?

[ the two burglars stare cautiously, as the Rescue Dog lunges into the air and bites off Burglar #1’s arm ]

[ the Homeowner laughs triumphantly as the burglars rush out of the house ]

[ the Rescue Dog leaps into the air for a high-five ]

Homeowner: Thank you, Rescue Dogs!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

I-Sleep Pro

Businessman…..Kenan Thompson

[Opens with a black businessman entering a hotel room. He puts his bags down, loosens his tie, he’s ready to go to bed in his pajamas]

Announcer: Traveling can be tough. Especially if you find it difficult to sleep in a strange room. You’ve tried white noise machines, but they just don’t work.

[Black businessman tosses and turns in his bed, unable to sleep]

Announcer: That’s why Sharper Image has created the I-Sleep Pro.

[Black businessman holds the little machine up]

Announcer: The I-Sleep Pro not only has a setting for White Noise… but also one for Black Noise.

[Black businessman sets dial on the I-Sleep Pro machine to Black Noise and goes to bed]

Announcer: Now you have the soothing sounds you’re used to. Sounds like muffled Tyler Perry sitcoms.

[ Caption: “Muffled Tyler Perry Sitcoms.” ]

[Black businessman is fast asleep with the muffled sounds]

[2:23 a.m.]

Voice from Sitcom: [muffled] What if he comes in?! What if he comes in?!

Voice: [muffled] I wish tha’ fool wou’ come in!

Announcer: An old lady complaining about foot problems through the wall.

[ Caption: “Old Lady Complaining About Foot Problems.” ]

Voice: [muffled] Lord Jesus! I can’t walk on it no mo’!

Announcer: Bass.

[ Caption: “Bass.” ]

[4:52 a.m.]

[Sounds of muffled rap heavy bass. Thump, thump, thump. Black businessman sleeps like a baby]

Announcer: Domestic arguments.

[ Caption: “Domestic arguments.” ]

Female Voice: [muffled] I told ya’! I don’t know him!

Male Voice: [muffled] You lie!

Announcer: And the movie “Friday”.

Voice of Ice Cube: [muffled] You think he playin’ wit’ you?!

Voice of Chris Tucker: [muffled] Man, that fool ain’t goin’ do nothin’!

Announcer: So you can get the rest you need. And get ready to take on the world.

[Black businessman is all relaxed in his business suit getting ready to leave his hotel room. He smiles.]

Announcer: I-Sleep-Pro. Get the sleep you need.

[I-Sleep-Pro machine next to a wonderful breakfast plate. 7:00 a.m.]

[ Caption: I-Sleep Pro logo. ]

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

October 9th, 2010

Jane Lynch

Bruno Mars

None

None

None

Ask Gloria AllredSummary: Attorney Gloria Allred (Nasim Pedrad) answers vicious questions critiquing her desperate need to be in the spotlight.

Transcript

Montage

Jane Lynch’s MonologueSummary: Jane Lynch performs her self-written, ego-driven version of a “Glee” theme song.

Damn It, My Mom Is On Facebook FilterSummary: The tool that filters Facebook posts and photos so that moms won’t know what their children are ready up to online.

Transcript

GleeSummary: Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch) introduces a new student to the Glee Club — the sadistic prankster Gilly (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Gilly.

The New Boyfriend Talk ShowSummary: Zack (Andy Samberg) interviews skanky mom’s (Jane Lynch) latest boyfriend (Jason Sudeikis) over breakfast while celebrating the show’s 100th episode.

Recurring Characters: Gene Simmons.

Transcript

Coven to Elect Christine O’DonnellSummary: Christine O’Donnell (Kristen Wiig) insists that she’s not a witch in her latest campaign ad.

Recurring Characters: Christine O’Donnell.

Transcript

Secret WordSummary: Emcee Lyle Round (Bill Hader) is frustrated when celebrity panelists Mindy Gracin (Kristen Wiig) and Peggy Zellers (Jane Lynch) are unable to grasp the concept of the game without sacrificing their huge egos.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Gracin.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Therapist (Jane Lynch) keeps inserting herself into patient’s (Andy Samberg) “Relaxation Therapy” session.

Transcript

Returns and ExchangesSummary: To prepare for a movie role, Denzel Washington (Jay Pharoah) works the Returns counter at Macy’s and haggles a customer (Jane Lynch).

Recurring Characters: Denzel Washington.

Transcript

Bruno Mars performs “Just The Way You Are”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Mark Zuckerburg (Andy Samberg) admits his impetus for creating Facebook was just to meet girls. Mexican tourism director Miguel Conjeros (Fred Armisen) only wants to talk about the beaches and pretends no to comprehend questions about drugs and border patrols.

The Suze Orman ShowSummary: Suze Orman (Kristen Wiig) is insistent on proving that her old college roommate (Jane Lybch) is still a lesbian.

Recurring Characters: Suze Orman.

Sunday Night FootballSummary: Faith Hill (Jane Lynch) sings a neverending theme song, eventually causing Al Michaels (Jason Sudeikis) and Cris Collinsworth (Bill Hader) to miss the big game.

Recurring Characters: Al Michaels.

Transcript

Bruno Mars performs “Grenade”

Tax MastersSummary: Patrick Cox (Jason Sudeikis) wants to film the company’s commercial from an angle that allows visibility of his tiny twin brother (Fred Armisen) embedded on the side of his head.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Anderson Cooper 360Summary: Anderson Cooper (Taran Killan) interviews CNN personalities about their channel’s sagging ratings.

Recurring Characters: Anderson Cooper, Larry King.

Man vs. WildSummary: Accident-prone man (Bill Hader) makes a mess while receiving a cooking lesson from a master chef (Jane Lynch).

GrizzliesSummary: A group of moms (Jane Lynch, Kristen Wiig, Abby Elliott) raise grizzly bear cubs.

Burl’s PartySummary: Burl (Bobby Moynihan) celebrates losing weight but doesn’t want to get out of his chair.

American America: I HippieSummary: In a cartoon by Dana Carvey, a hippie talks about the good old days.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

Ask Gloria Allred

Gloria Allred…..Nasim Pedrad

Announcer: [ over text card ] “The following program is presented by attorney Gloria Allred, and is intended solely for self-promotion.”

[ dissolve to title card ]

Female Announcer: “Ask Gloria Allred”.

[ dissolve to series of still photos ]

Female Announcer: Attorney Gloria Allred is a true legal superstar, recognized the world over for her near round-the-clock television appearances, and is a tireless champion for society’s forgotten victims. From Scott Peterson’s girlfriend, Amber Frey, to Tiger Woods’ mistresses #2, 5, 9, and 11, to a guy in the audience at the Laugh Factory the night Michael Richards used the N-word. Here now, is Gloria Allred.

[ dissolve to Gloria Allred sitting in her office ]

Gloria Allred: Hello, and welcome to this addition of “Ask Gloria Allred”. I’m Gloria Allred. This week, many of you have written or e-mailed to congratulate me on my recent press conference with Nicky Diaz. Nicky is the undocumented worker from Mexico who was employed by Meg Whitman — currently the Republican candidate for governor of California — as a housekeeper. While working for the Whitmans, Nicky suffered continuous emotional abuse and was forced to perform a series of horrendous and degrading tasks, from sorting and washing laundry to vacuuming carpets and dusting venetian blinds, all under the threat that if she did NOT perform these sickening acts they would not pay her. It is a heart-wrenching story, and many of you thanked me for bringing it to the nation’s attention. But some have questions.

For example, Paul from Indianapolis asks: “As her attorney, how could you let Ms. Diaz announce on television that she is in the country illegally? Because of your reckless attention-seeking, won’t she be arrested and deported?”

That’s a good question, Paul. I hadn’t really thought about it. I’m going to recommend that Nicky hire a good immigration lawyer.

Karen from Boston asks: “I saw your latest freak-show press conference with Ms. Diaz, and I have to ask: Is there anything you won’t do to push your butt-ugly mug in front of a camera?”

Another good question, Karen. I have to think about that, but I guess my answer would be “No.”

Steven from New Orleans asks: “Why do you talk so loud? Or does it just seem that way, because your manner is so grating?”

Probably a bit of both, Steven. I’m naturally a very pushy person and find that by talking loudly, people are forced to listen to me, even if they would prefer not to.

Kevin from Fort Collins, Colorado asks: “Tell me, Gloria. Has a more disgusting creature than yourself ever walked the face of the earth?”

Wow! A lot of good questions tonight. I don’t know the answer, Kevin. I suppose, since man in his present form has been around for about 250,000 years, there MUST have been somebody, but I really can’t say for sure.

Denise from Nashville asks: “When you die, Gloria, and you go instantly to Hell, which I think we can all agree will absolutely happen — will you just burn with all the other ambulance-chasers who spent their lives bringing misery into the world, or will there be a special ring or level of Hell just for you?”

Oh my, Denise, that is such a profound question! Who knows? All I can say is I sincerely hope so. That would be nice.

Well, that’s it for tonight’s show! We’ll see you next week. Until then, please pay attention to me, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

The New Boyfriend Talk Show

Zack…..Andy Samberg
Mom…..Jane Lynch
Mike…..Jason Sudeikis
Gene Simmons…..Fred Armisen
Verne Troyer…..Bobby Moynihan
Magic Johnson…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on suburban kitchen beneath title card, Mom cooking in the foreground and Zack seated at the kitchen table ]

Zack: Welcome to “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”! Starring me, Zack, and my sidekick, Mom!

Mom: Hey, Sweetie!

Zack: Hi, Mom! Okay — so, my Mom dates SO many awesome guys! Then, one day I thought, “Hey! Maybe on Sunday when they wake up, I should interview them before they hit the road!” I asked for permission, and she said yes.

Mom: That’s because, no matter who coems out of Mommy’s bedroom, you’re still my Number One Guy! [ she kisses Zack on the head ]

Zack: Awww… awesome! So, Mom, why don’t you tell us about today’s guest?

Mom: Sure. Uh, his name is Mike something… and, uh, he works as a CD organizer at Borders.

Zack: Okay. Very cool! Please welcome Mike!

[ a groggy Mike enters the kitchen, pats Zack on the head and sits ]

Mike: Heeey, little buddy. How you doing?

Zack: Welcome to “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”!

Mike: Yeah… great to be here.

Zack: Okay, first question! I gotta ask — it’s on everybody’s mind: “Are you my new dad?”

Mike: [ stunned ] Whoa! I, uh — you know, uh —

Zack: I know! You can’t comment on that — I HAD to ask! Okay. SO… we have something in common.

Mike: Yeah?

Zack: We’re both huge fans of MOM!!

Mom: Awwwwww!

Mike: No. Yeah, yeah — she’s a cool lady.

Zack: Give me an example!

Mike: Uhhhh — alright, well, uh — on the car ride home, uh — [ he chuckles ] She’s a cool lady.

Zack: Awesome! Okay. Now, Mike, I’m not sure if you’re aware that this is a very special day for us on the show.

Mike: Oh, yeah? Why’s that, Sport?

Zack: Because this is “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”‘s 100th episode!

Mike: [ choking on his coffee ] What..?

Mom: Woooowwww! It just creeps up on ya’, that 100, huh? Congrats, Zackie!

Zack: [ enthusiastically ] Couldn’t have done it wihout YOU, Mom!

Mike: Whoa, wai — 100? I’m the 100th guest?

Zack: No, no, no — this is the 100th episode!

Mike: Oh.

Zack: There’s been about 130 guests! Right, Mom?

Mom: Oh, honey, I don’t know. Sometimes I think you remember these guys better than I do.

Zack: [ proudly ] I’m sure I do. It’s been a great 100 episodes, so let’s take a look back at some of our FAVORITE memories from “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”!

[ Chairman of the Board’s “Gimme Just a Little More Time” plays over screencaps of past guests: a tattooed freak, an elderly man, a Japanese threesome, an animal trainer, and Joaquin Phoenix ]

Mom: [ shaking her head ] So many memories!

Mike: Wait a minute… w-was that Joaquin Phoenix?

Zack: Yeah, that was a weird interview. But it turned out he was faking it.

Mom: [ chuckling ] Yeah! He wasn’t the only one.

Zack: Yeah! Well, we’ve had a lot of fun, but we’ve also dealt with some serious issues. That’s why I’d like to take this time to give a special shout-out to all of my Mom’s boyfriends who are currently serving overseas.

[ a large list of American and Arabic names scrolls upward ]

Mike: Whoa-oa, oh my God!

Mom: Zack, sweetie, I’ve also got a surprise for you, honey. In the four months since —

Mike: Wait! That’s all been FOUR MONTHS?!

Mom: A few big stars have dropped by, and some of them took time out of their busy schedules to send in messages to you.

[ cut to Gene Simmons ]

Gene Simmons: Gene Simmons here. Congrats to everyone at “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”. Keep it real. [ he removes his sunglasses ] And keep it moist. [ he smiles ]

[ cut to Verne Troyer ]

Verne Troyer: This is Mr. Verne Troyer saying, “The New Boyfriend Talk Show” is shagadelic. [ he sticks his pinkie finger in his mouth ]

[ cut to Magic Johnson ]

Magic Johnson: Hey! Magic Johnson here! I had a magic time on “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”! Zack and that lady are a dream team! Go Lakers!

[ return to the kitchen ]

Zack: Yeah, Magic’s a real friend of the show!

Mike: [ worried ] Oh, no… oh, nooooo… ohhhhhhh, no… Oh, boy.

Zack: [ excited ] So, mom! Who’s our next guest today?

Mike: Wait, there’s someone else today?!

Mom: Yeah. We also got two bands coming! Oh, and also, I burned the eggs, so… it’s cookies for breakfast!

[ Mom throws a bag of Chips Ahoy onto the breakfast table ]

Zack: [ arms in the air ] YAAAAYYYYY!!!

[ title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

Returns and Exchanges

Returns Manager…..Bobby Moynihan
Customer #1…..Vanessa Bayer
Customer #2…..Jane Lynch
Denzel Washington…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on exterior, shopping mall ]

[ dissolve to interior, Returns & Exchanges ]

Returns Manager: There you go, Ma’am, uh, I hope you enjoy it.

Customer #1: Thank you so much!

Returns Manager: No problem. Thank you.

[ she turns and exits ]

Returns Manager: Next!

Customer #2: Hi. I just want to return this — [ she places a bag on the counter ]

Returns Manager: Uh, Ma’am? Uhhhh — I should first warn you that Denzel Washington is working here.

Customer #2: [ impressed ] Denzel Washington! Here?

Returns Manager: Yes.

Customer #2: Seriously?! That is so awesome! What’s he doing here?

Returns Manager: Uhhh — he’s preparing for a role. I guess, as a process.

Customer #2: So he’s working here for a movie role. That’s amazing!

Returns Manager: Uh, yeah — in his new movie, I guess he’s supposed to play an ordinary retail employee who gets this returned suitcase that has a secret government microchip accidentally left in it, which puts him in a web of international intrigue.

Customer #2: Wow, you know a LOT about this!

Returns Manager: Uh, yeah — he told me about it about a dozen times.

Customer #2: Well, what’s it called? [ she makes quotes signs with her fingers and laughs ] “Point of No Returns”?

Returns Manager: [ laughing loudly ] Yes! That’s what it’s called!

Customer #2: Really?

[ suddenly, Denzel Washington returns from the back room with a box in his hand, and promptly busts out laughing ]

Denzel Washington: Okay! Alright! So I FOUND it, huh? Yeah! I TOLD you it was there. Right? I specifically stated!

Returns Manager: Uh — yes. Yes, you did. Thank you, Denzel.

Denzel Washington: [ laughing with a huge smile on his face ] I knew it, I knew it! [ suddenly, he sees the customer standing before him ] Oh. Now… what can I help you with, Ma’am? Hmm?

Returns Manager: Uhhh — you know what, Denzel? I think I’ve got this one.

Denzel Washington: No! No, no, no, no! Gotta learn, gotta learn, right? So, come on, darling — let’s see whatchoo got?

Customer #2: Okay, I wanted to, uh — I want to return this bag.

Denzel Washington: Oh, okay. Alright. Let’s take a look. Okay, uh — [ he stares at the bag ] Well, look at this here: This is nice! This is very nice!

Customer #2: Yeah. Thank you.

Denzel Washington: You bought this?

Customer #2: I did.

Denzel Washington: Huh?! This handbag right here, that’s what you — t-t-this is yours?

Customer #2: Yes.

Denzel Washington: [ he places the bag on the counter ] Okay. Alright. So, uh — let’s see here. So, uh, you bought this handbag for #340, and now you want your money back! Is that what you’re saying? That’s what you’re telling me!

Customer #2: I, uh — yes. Yes.

Denzel Washington: Okay. $340. That’s a lot of money to be asking for back. I mean, I’ll GIVE it to you. Huh?

Customer #2: Okay! [ she smiles ]

Denzel Washington: [ laughing ] I just want to ask you one question: [ dramatically ] What’s wrong with it? Hmm?

Customer #2: What? W-with the handbag?

Denzel Washington: You did — that’s right!

Customer #2: Uh — it’s the wrong color.

Denzel Washington: The wrong color? [ he laughs and claps his hands ] You said it’s the WRONG color!

Customer #2: Yes.

Denzel Washington: You knew what COLOR it was when you brought it home! Did it change color or something?

Customer #2: No.

[ Returns Manager re-enters the scene ]

Denzel Washington: No, it didn’t! So let me ask you this: What color is this handbag?!

Returns Manager: Y-you know what? I-I-I can just help this —

Denzel Washington: Oh, no you WON’T! [ Returns Manager retreats to the back room ] I asked her a simple question: What color is this handbag?!

Customer #2: [ whispering ] It’s black. [ louder ] It’s black.

Denzel Washington: Ohhh, it’s BLACK, is it? That’s what you’re TELLING me, right, it’s black? And you don’t like the color?!

Customer #2: No, I —

Denzel Washington: Then, excuuuse me, speak up! You’re at Macy’s! Their rules and regulations! If you got a complaint, I want to hear it! [ he laughs loudly ]

Customer #2: It doesn’t match my shoes.

Denzel Washington: It doesn’t match your shoes, huh? So you don’t have any BLACK shoes in your possession at the — [ he shakes his head crazily ] Not any?! That’s what you’re telling me?

Customer #2: No, uh —

Denzel Washington: Huh?!

Customer #2: I have black shoes, just not the kind that —

Denzel Washington: Not the — not the kind what?! What, not the right kind?!

Customer #2: Ohhhh… I didn’t say that.

Denzel Washington: But you said “Wrong color”, didn’t you? So I’m lying?! So you calling me a liar, right?

Customer #2: Oh, no, no… I didn’t call anyone a liar…

Denzel Washington: It sounded like it to ME!! Huh?! Let me TELL you something: Don’t you EVER, in your LIFE, call me a LIAR!!

Customer #2: But I didn’t! I just wanted to —

Denzel Washington: Ohhhhh, YES you DID!!

Customer #2: I want to return the BAG, okay?!

[ Returns Manager re-enters the scene, horrified ]

Denzel Washington: [ smoothly ] Well, then you gotta answer the questions, darling! You gotta —

Customer #2: [ furious ] I AM answering the questions! I TOOK it home, I DON’T like it — it JUST HAPPENS!! And you’re NOT letting me TALK, you jackwad!

[ Returns Manager covers his mouth and gasps ]

[ Denzel smiles wildly, then begins to clap his hands and laugh ]

Returns Manager: Oh, thank God!

Denzel Washington: [ to Customer ] Heeey, I like you! You’re feisty, aren’t you? I like that! I’m gonna go return this bag, stop messing with you! [ he cracks up as he passes BOM ] My man!

Customer #2: Well, that wasn’t too hard, right?

Returns Manager: Of course not! Okay, I’m so glad we got that settled!

[ Denzel quietly peeks out from the back room ]

Returns Manager: Alright, who’s next? Anyone?

[ cut to exterior, mall ]

Denzel Washington V/O: Hey, hey — let ME handle it!!

Returns Manager V/O: No, no! It’s okay, I got it! No! Denzel, don’t —

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

Damn It, My Mom is on Facebook Filter

Tom…..Andy Samberg
Roommate…..Taram Killam
Spokesman…..Bill Hader
Mom…..Jane Lynch

[ open on college student Tom Miller using computer in his dorm room, as his roommate leans forward ]

Roommate: [ laughing ] Oh, man! It looks like you have a new Friend Request!

Tom: Oh, my God… this canNOT be happening…

[ Spokesman enters ]

Spokesman: Well, it finally happened — your Mom is on Facebook!

[ reveal Facebook screen: “Friend Request – Susan Miller – IT’S YOUR MOM! I’M ON THE FACEBOOK!!!” ]

Spokesman V/O: Posting things like:

[ Mom types in her kitchen ]

Mom: “October is getting all my Fall motif sweaters down — or maybe I should just “leaf” them up there! Ha ha ha!”

[ Tom reads the rest at his computer ]

Tom: “I am laughing out loud on the floor.”

Spokesman: Sure, she likes posting about her life… but she LOVES getting into yours.

[ reveal posted photo of Andy partying with a drunken girl ]

Mom: [ typing ] “Who’s your new friend? She looks… ill.”

[ Tom is not amused ]

Spokesman: Now you have to watch EVERYTHING you say! Unless you get the Damn It, My Mom is on Facebook Filter. [ reveal product on Facebook screen ] It’s the only act that scans your Facebook page for stuff about drugs… alcohol… sex… references to your atheism… and opinions. Go ahead and type something that your Mom would hate.

Tom: [ typing ] “There isn’t enough beer in the world for me to deal with Glenn Beck’s holy roller B.S.”

Spokesman: Now apply the Damn It, My Mom is on Facebook Filter.

[ Tom clicks the “Mom Filter” ]

Tom: [ reading the new message ] “Boy, so I need new dungarees.”

Mom: [ typing in her response ] “Hey, I’ve got a five dollar coupon from Kohl’s. I’ll send it to you.”

Spokesman: See, the Damn It, My Mom is on Facebook Filter does what you do naturally — [ laughing ] It LIES to your Mom!

Roommate: SWEET!

Spokesman: Even changing your photos to make them more Mom friendly.

[ the picture of the drunken girl at the party morphs into a ventriloquist’s dummy ]

[ a picture of tom smoking from a bong morphs into a saxophone ]

[ a picture of Tom naked morphs into a t-shirt that reads “Moms Rock!” ]

Spokesman: The Damn It, My Mom is on Facebook Fulter. For when your Mom discovers Facebook!

[ Mom clicks a “You Like This.” icon ]

Mom: Like.

[ Spokesman, Tom and Tom’s roommate click it right back ]

Spokesman, Tom, Roommate: Like!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

Sunday Night Football

Faith Hill…..Jane Lynch
Al Michaels…..Jason Sudeikis
Cris Collinsworth…..Bill Hader

Al Michaels: Tonight the Philadelphia Eagles and the San Francisco 49ers in an east coast – west coast battle. I’m Al Michaels.

Cris Collinsworth: And I’m Cris Collinsworth, and this is Sunday Night Football.

[ Opening sequence for Sunday Night Football plays. ]

V/0: All right, listen up America. It’s Sunday night, and that means football night right here. Heh heh heh. So, let’s hit it!

Faith Hill: [ singing ]
“All right, Sunday night, kickin’ back,
Everybody looking at the quarterback.
San Francisco is the place to be,
‘Cause it’s Sunday Night Football on NBC!”

Al Michaels: Okay we’re coming to you live from beautiful Candlestick Park.

Cris Collinsworth: The Eagles won the coin toss, It’s time for kickoff here on Sunday Night Football.

Faith Hill: [ singing ]
“Football, Touchdown, Sunday night,
The tough get rough in a primetime fight.
Al and Cris are the best on TV,
And it’s touchdown time on NBC!”

Cris Collinsworth: Gotta love that new theme song.

Al Michaels: Yep, nothing says football like a woman singing on a field. Oh, I guess we’re going back.

Faith Hill: [ singing ]
“Sunday Night Football here’s the score,
Niners comin’ at you and they’re 0-4
Eagles lost a quarterback Michael Vick,
He used to fight dogs but tonight he’s sick.”

Al Michaels: Thank you for that informative and long theme song, but moving on, we…

Cris Collinsworth: Oh… oh…

Faith Hill: [ singing ]
“NBC, NFL, NBC,
Did you know the Eagles have a rich history?
Founded in the 30s by Commissioner Bell,
And a local businessman named Ludlow Wray.”

[ Al and Cris stare dumbfounded, song continues. ]

Faith Hill: [ singing ]
“Salsa olives sour cream dip,
Spread it on a layer of tortilla chips.
You add some guacamole and some melted cheese,
Your mouth just scored a touchdown here on NBC!”

Cris Collinsworth: That was a nacho recipe.

Faith Hill: [ singing ]
“Touchdown, touchdown, touchdown time,
Sunday night and we’re all feeling fine.
There will be touchdowns – it’s a guarantee,
‘Cause the game already started and it’s 14-3!”

Al Michaels: Did she say the game already started?!

Cris Collinsworth: What the hell?!

Faith Hill: [ singing ]
“49’ers have 56 active players,
Here they are in no particular order:
Kevin Boss, Jason Hill and Josh Morgan,
53 more to go on NBC!”

Cris Collinsworth: We’ll be right back after this with more theme song on Sunday Night Football.

[ Cue Sunday Night Football logo. ]

[ Fade out ]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

Goodnights

…..Jane Lynch

Jane Lynch: And thanks to Bruno Mars! It’s been a blast! Good night, everybody! Thank you so much!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

Coven to Elect Christine O’Donnell

Christine O’Donnell…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Christine O’Donnell ]

Christine O’Donnell: Hi. I’m Christine O’Donnell… and I am not a witch. I’m nothing like you’ve heard. I’m you. And, just like you, I have to constantly deny that I’m a witch. Isn’t that what the people of Delaware deserve? A candidate who promises, first and foremost, that she’s not a witch? That’s the kind of candidate Delaware hasn’t had since 1692. And that’s why, if elected to the Human Senate, I promise to fly straight down to Washington — [ chuckling nervously ] on a plane! And do exactly what you would do: Not spells. Besides, if I were a witch, why wouldn’t I just cast a spell making all of you forget that I’m a witch? It’s certainly not because the spell requires one newt per person and a lack of a sufficient number of newts.

[ she laughs ]

I know the problems facing our nation, because I’ve been living among you ever since I moved to Delaware from the Black Forest of Germany almost 3,000 years ago. So this November 2nd, vote for Christine O’Donnell, AKA: Zoraida the Enchantress. Because I’m not a witch. And, if I am, do you really want to cross me? I didn’t think so.

[ the camera pulls back to reveal O’Donnell dressed in a witch’s skirt and candy-stripe tights, a skeleton playing a piano, and ghosts floating through the air ]

Announcer: Paid for by the Coven to Elect Christine O’Donnell, who is not a witch.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts