Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Access Hollywood

Pat O’Brien….Jimmy Fallon
Charlize Theron….Drew Barrymore

[Opens with Pat wearing a suit and tie, glasses, mustache, mic on hand in the Access Hollywood TV studio]

Pat O’Brien: [very nasal voice] Welcome back to Access Hollywood. I’m Pat O’Brien.[points to his nose]I don’t use this thing on my face. What is it used for ? I don’t use it. What is it? You’ll never guess why Jeniffer Garner’s arms are so big—she’s been lifting weights. And you won’t believe what Julia Roberts had for lunch—a Cobb salad. First up, I caught up with Oscar hottie Charlize Theron at the Independent Spirit Awards.

[Access Hollywood logo. Lights! Camera! Access!]

[Pat interviews Charlize Theron]

Pat O’Brien: Charlize, great to see you. I can tell people we’re friends, right?

Charlize Theron: Uh, sure.

Pat O’Brien: That’s totally cool. Charlize you’ll never guess who’s nominated for an Oscar for playing serial killer Aileen Wuornos in the movie “Monster”.

Charlize Theron: I am?

Pat O’Brien: That’s right. You are. Charlize, you’re such a hot lady, playing an ugly lady. Was that hard?

Charlize Theron: Not at all. I think it would be harder to be ugly and play beautiful.

Pat O’Brien: Yeah, well, you’re great in the movie, uh, lets take a look.

[Cut a clip of “Monster”. Charlize as Aileen Wuornos has greasy hair, rotten teeth and bad skin]

Aileen Wuornos: Don’t you understand?! I can’t prostitute myself no more! Because I killed somebody! I’m a serial killer!

[Back to interview]

Pat O’Brien: You’re so ugly in that movie. You’re so ugly.

Charlize Theron: Thank you.

Pat O’Brien: Let me ask you something. Why do so many actresses have to ugly themselves up? I mean, is it to win Oscars? Is that what Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry and Sara Jessica Parker are trying to do?

Charlize Theron: I don’t know Pat. I mean, I would never ugly up, you know, just to win an Award. I just wanna stretch as an actor.

Pat O’Brien: Just wanna stretch. What’s your next project on?

Charlize Theron: Well, I just finished a film for Miramax. Its an amazing true story of Monica Plattendorf. She was a Seattle mother whose husband actually struck her in the face with an ax but she could not be silenced and she went on to be a community activist.

[Cut to a clip of the film. Charlize plays Monica who has a bloody ax stuck in the middle of her face. She is delivering a speech at a podium.]

Monica Plattendorf: I don’t care what anyone in this town says. Just because I have an ax in my face doesn’t mean that I don’t count. And I say that this town needs a municipally funded dog run.[Applause]

[Back to interview]

Pat O’Brien: I smell Oscar. I’m just kidding. I haven’t smelled anything since I was 15. I heard you’re currently working with a German director because he thought you were great in “Monster”.

Charlize Theron: Yes, Helmut Ofterbrau, yes that’s his name, Helmut Oftenbraunder, called me and asked me to do his new film about a woman with a very rare disease that gives her porcine features. And she’s just trying to maintain her life and her family. Its very moving.

[Cut to the clip. A woman with a pig snout sits across a man in a table holding a drink]

Pig Snout: Are you leaving me for another woman, John? Or are you leaving me because I’m a pig face? [Snorts like a pig]

[Back to interview]

Pat O’Brien: I smell Oscar again and bacon. Again, I’m just kidding, I can’t smell. I heard you’re doing a play. What? Are you gunning for a Tony too?

Charlize Theron: No. I just love the part. Its about the life of Captain Lou Albano.

Pat O’Brien: Wait, wait. Captain Lou? From the Cindy Lauper videos?

Charlize Theron: Yeah, but God, there’s so much more to him. I mean, I play Captain Lou in his later years.

[Cut to the actual Captain Lou Albano in the middle of a wrestling ring with other wrestlers. He’s fat, ugly, hairy and has rubber bands in his facial hair]

Captain Lou Albano: [Charlize in a gruff voice] Let me tell you 3 things about Captain Lou Albano! I care about my fellow man, I’m a champion and I wear rubber bands on my face!

[Back to interview]

Pat O’Brien: Its like its not even you.

Charlize Theron: Thank you.

Pat O’Brien: Did you know that Renee Zellwegger is gonna do a remake of “The Elephant Man” called “Elephant Girl”?

Charlize Theron:[worried] What?

Pat O’Brien: Next on Access Hollywood you’ll never believe where Topher Grace got his name from. Its from Chris-to-pher. I’m Pat O’Brien. Goodbye.

[Pat puts a giant bottle of Afrin up to his nose and inhales]

[Access Hollywood logo. Lights! Camera! Access!]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Mike’s Bar

Bartender…..Chris Parnell
John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Rodham…..Drew Barrymore

[ open on interior, Mike’s Bar, set in 1968 ]

Music Over: “Sunshine of Your Love”, Cream.

Bartender: Here you go, Lt. Kerry. On the house.

John Kerry: Thanks, Eddie – but it’s just “John Kerry”. I’m on leave for a few months.

Bartender: Visiting the ol’ stomping grounds, huh? Well, your money’s no good here, Sailor.

[ George W. Bush, dressed in graduation cap and gown, enters, holding his diploma up proudly ]

George W. Bush: Whoo-hoo!! Whoooooo!! Whoooooo!! Ladies and gentlemen! It is my great pleasure to announce that I – Goerge W. Bush – have officially gradgeated from Yale.. University! [ makes crowd sound effects ] Thank you! Thank you! [ makes more crowd sound effects ] Thank you, appreciate it, thank you!

Bartender: Got your diploma, George?

George W. Bush: Yes, sir. Listen to this: [ reads ] “This diploma defers upon George W. Bush..” – that’s me – “..a Bachelor of Arts, with a major in Physical Education.” [ stops reading ] “And a minor.. in Partying!” I wrote that in myself! [ chuckles ]

Bartender: That’s great, George. What can I getcha?

George W. Bush: Brew me. Pronto! [ sits next to Kerry ] Hey, buddy, nice shirt. Are you, uh.. you’re missing your cub scout troop, or something?

John Kerry: No, actually, I’m a lieutenant in the United States Navy, on leave from active duty in Vietnam.

George W. Bush: Whoa! Son of a bee sting! I know you! You’re John Kerry! you graduated tow years ago – remember me? George Bush! I was the one who, uh.. put the firecracker in that bulldog’s butt at the Princeton game!

John Kerry: Oh, yes, I remember. A friend of mine explained to me that it was humorous – and that an appropriate response would have been laughter.

George W. Bush: So, uh.. oyu were in Vietnam. [ whistles ] I haven’t really been following that.. but it seems like a really bad scene over there, man.

John Kerry: In the words of Oppenheimer, paraphrasing ancient Indian scripture: “I have become Death. Destroyer of worlds.”

George W. Bush: [ confused ] So, it is a bad scene?

John Kerry: Yes! It’s a bad scene!

George W. Bush: [ sips his beer ] Boy, I love booze! God, strike me dead if I ever turn into one of those pansies who don’t drink booze! If you ever hear me say “I quit booze”, just kick me in the face!

John Kerry: You know what? I promise I will do that!

George W. Bush:

George W. Bush: Thanks, man!

[ a young Bill Clinton enters the bar, flanked by two attractive young women ]

Bill Clinton: Ladies? What do you say we have a drink in here? This seems like a nice place. [ to Bush and Kerry ] Gentlemen. The name’s William Jefferson Clinton – this is Moonbeam, this is Thistledew. I call her Thistledew because.. this’ll do!

George W. Bush: [ smiling ] That’s nice!

Bill Clinton: Girls? Here’s some money – why don’t you go play a little pinball?

[ the girls exit to a back room, as Clinton sits next to Bush ]

George W. Bush: I’m George W. Bush!

Bill Clinton: Yes, sir.

George W. Bush: And I can tell you and me are going to be great friends! I’m a booze hound, and you’re a cooze hound!

Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ] It’s a pleasure, George. [ looks at Kerry ] What’s with the stiff? Hey, buddy, who died?

John Kerry: [ a beat ] A lot of people, actually. My commanding officer.. a couple of my friends..

George W. Bush: This here is John Kerry, he’s kind of a buzzkill. So, what brings you to town, Billy?

Bill Clinton: I’m visiting the law school, uh.. I figured it was a good way to avoid going to Vietnam. But, now, I’ve got a new plan: go to Europe, smoke a bunch of weed, and see if I can snag me one of those Benny Hill’s girls – I love.. that.. show.

George W. Bush: Really? Really, I gave it a try; I couldn’t follow it. I don’t like humor you have to think about too much, you know?

Bill Clinton: You know, George W.. you should come over to England. You and me, we could do some real damage over there.

George W. Bush: Oh, I can’t leave.. You see, I made a committment to serve my country in the Texas Air National Guard. [ a beat ] I’m just kidding! I’ll come over next week!

Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ]

George W. Bush: Is it cool if I crash on your floor?

Bill Clinton: Actually, I have an extra bed.

George W. Bush: No, I’ll probably literally crash on your floor – I drink a lot!

Bill Clinton: [ looking toward the door ] Uh-oh, look out – lesbo, two o’clock.

Hillary Rodham: Excuse me, guys. My name is Hillary Rodham, and I’m visiting from Wellesley.. can one of you tell me where the art museum is?

George W. Bush: [ chuckles ] Boy, are you askin’ the wrong guy!

John Kerry: It’s down Chapel St., on the right.

Hillary Rodham: Thanks, sailor.

George W. Bush: Hey, Kerry. I think she’s into you, man!

Bill Clinton: Ugh! Better him than me. Hey, G.I. Joe, why don’t you do us all a favor and jump on that grenade?

Hillary Rodham: Hey! That is a typically boorish male, patriarchal response, and I will not stand for it!

John Kerry: Miss Rodham, don’t pay attention to them! I could use some air – why don’t I walk you to the museum?

Hillary Rodham: Well. At least one of you around here is a gentlemen!

John Kerry: [ looks back at Clinton and Bush ] You two owe me for this, big time! [ exits with Hillary ]

Bill Clinton: George W., man oh man. Isn’t it great to be young and carefree?

George W. Bush: You said it! To know that you cna do whatever you want. And no one will ever know! And there will never be any consequences!

Bill Clinton: Speaking of which.. [ clears throat, pulls out a joint from inside his jacket ] You want to turn on, space man?

George W. Bush: Oh, no.. I don’t touch that stuff.

[ Clinton puts the joint away ]

George W. Bush: [ unsteady ] Uhhh.. you got any cocaine on ya’?

Bill Clinton: Yes. Yes. I do.

[ arm-in-arm, Clinton and Bush exit to the rear of the bar ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Goodnights

…..Drew Barrymore

[ Drew holds up a sign that reads: “Happy Valentine’s Day, Fabby Adam Man!” ]

Drew Barrymore: I want to thank Kelis. I want to wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s — [ applause drowns her out ] I want to wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day. I thank you so much for having me here. This is the most amazing group of people, it’s so much fun, it’s an absolute dream come true! Thank you so much. I want to thank Lorne, too, for having me back – I hope he’ll have me again. And, uh, everybody have a most beautiful evening.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Gore’s Endorsement

Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
Tipper Gore…..Amy Poehler
Sen. John Kerry…..Srth Meyers

[ open on Al Gore talking on the phone, alone in his kitcen ]

Al Gore: Okay. Goodbye to you, then. [ hangs up phone ]

Tipper Gore: Al. Honey. Aren’t you coming to bed?

Al Gore: I’ll be right there. It’s just, the Democratic Party needs Al Gore. I’m trying otm ake the world a better place!

Tipper Gore: Come to bed.

Al Gore: Okay, Tipper, I got one more call to make tonight.

[ Tipper exits ]

Al Gore: [ dials phone, clears throat ] Hello? Hello! This is Al Gore.

[ cut to Sen. John Kerry on the other end of the phone ]

Sen. John Kerry: Hello, Al.

Al Gore: I.. I wanted ot be the first to say congratulations, Senator Kerry.

Sen. John Kerry: Well, thank you, Al. Of course, it’s not over yet.

Al Gore: I know. I heard you had an affair.

Sen. John Kerry: I have already categorically denied that.

Al Gore: Don’t worry, it doesn’t matter! I was on the ticket with an honest-to-God pervert, and he mopped up George, Sr.! I mean, I think you’re the man! At first, you know, I supported Howard Deam.

Sen. John Kerry: Yes. I know. I want to thank you for that, Al!

Al Gore: I don’t think Dean would’ve gotten as far as he did, without my support.

Sen. John Kerry: Al, he hasn’t won a single state.

Al Gore: Well, I’m done supporting him! I tried to support Clark but he wouldn’t talk to me. Then, I.. expressed interest in supporting Edwards. But he tried to sue me! And Lieberman took a poke.. at.. me.

Sen. John Kerry: Well.. you had that one coming to you, Al.

Al Gore: [ changing subject ] Anyway.. I think the entire world would like to know, who I’m going to support now?

Sen. John Kerry: Well, I’ll tell you what I think, Al: I think you’re delusional.

Al Gore: Well, the wait is over. I.. decided.. to support.. youuuuu!!

Sen. John Kerry: Gosh, Al, I-I really wish you wouldn’t do that. You know, I think I’ve got a real chance here.

Al Gore: I’ve got some very big ideas. Let’s invest in health care, education! Let’s preserve the environment! We can make this country stronger! And richer! I am.. ex-cit-ed.

Sen. John Kerry: Well, Al.. they’re all good ideas, they.. they just don’t sound good coming out of you!

Al Gore: That’s because you haven’t heard my new style.

Sen. John Kerry: People have been talking about your new style, Al, and.. I’m not sure it’s the right move.

Al Gore: Listen. I’ve got a new throat thing going. [ demonstrates ] Our president BETRAYED our trust!! He LIED to us!! I’m Al GORE!! My hatred for him GROWS!! [ softens his tone ] ..and grooooows. I can turn it on and off, it’s easy. You should try it!

Sen. John Kerry: Yeah. I probably won’t try that, Al.

Al Gore: You just wait ’til I’m at the convention. I’m gonna be a big ol’ hit at the convention.

Sen. John Kerry: Yeah.. the convention.. [ lying ] It’s in, uh, Salt Lake City gthis year, Al. I’ll see you there!

Al Gore: I thought it was in Boston..?

Sen. John Kerry: Yeah, I guess they moved it! Now it’s out in Salt Lake! I can’t wait to see you in Salt Lake City, Al!

Al Gore: Hey, wha- what..? What’s this I hear about you needing a Vice-President?

Sen. John Kerry: Gotta run, Al!

Al Gore: No, no, I-I don’t know if you remember this, but.. I’ve been a Vice-President —

Sen. John Kerry: Oh, you know what? I’m driving into a tunnel, Al! I’m onmy cell phone! [ faking ] Crackle.. crackle.. Gotta go! I’m breaking up! Crackle..

Al Gore: Remember the throat yell, it’s real —

[ Kerry has hung up, Gore is stuck with the dial tone ]

[ Tipper re-enters the kitchen ]

Tipper Gore: Al. you said you were coming to bed.

Al Gore: John Kerry is so excited about my support! [ pretends he’s still speaking with Kerry ] I’ve gotta go now, John! Bye! [ hangs up the phone ] I think I’ll make a big announcement tomorrow, Tipper. I think the world will want to know, and they’ll be listening..

Tipper Gore: That’s nice, Al. You come upstairs, okay? I’ve got your pajamas all laid out.

[ Tipper exits ]

Al Gore: I just wanted to say, that.. “Live! From New York! It’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 4th, 2003

Jack Black

John Mayer

None

Kyle Gass

Will Ferrell
Californians For SchwarzeneggerSummary: Hoping to be elected governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger (Darrell Hammond) outlines his five-point plan.

Recurring Characters: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Transcript

MontageNote: The new opening montage, which takes the viewer on a journey through New York City to 30 Rockefeller Plaza, was directed by Dave Meyers, who would later win an MVPA (Music Video Production Association) award for Best Direction of a Female Artist for Missy Elliott’s “Pass That Dutch” music video by the end of the season.

Jack Black’s MonologueSummary: Jack Black sings of the perils of fame while wandering the back halls of Studio 8-H.

Also Hosted: 01k.

Note: Garrett Morris is visible in the audience.

Transcript

Huggies ThongSummary: With less padding, Huggies Thongs are more fashionable but not as effective as conventional diapers.

Transcript

Queer Eye For The Straight GalSummary: The “Straight Eye For the Queer Guy” knock-off is disturbingly fraught with lesbians.

The Wade Robson ProjectSummary: Wode Robson (Seth Meyers) hosts a dance show for people who don’t know how to dance.

Transcript

Cooking ClassSummary: The Adult students learn the art of Italian cooking from a long-haired chef (Jack Black).

Recurring Characters: Gabe Fisher, Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez, Ruth Weinstock.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Yankee Superheroes prevent aliens from conquering Earth.

John Mayer performs “Bigger Than My Body”Bio: John Mayer (1977-) was a regular in the Atlanta club circuit before he recorded his major label debut album.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Rush Limbaugh (Jeff Richards) comments on biased statements and pain pills Finesse Mitchell comments on the weird black girls he saw at the movies. In a clip from the Emmy Awards, Bill Cosby (Kenan Thompson) punches Wanda Sykes (Maya Rudolph).

Recurring Characters: Rush Limbaugh, Bill Cosby.

Note: Finesse Mitchell’s commentary is later revamped as the Starkeesha character, which he performed at his audition. Lorne Michaels hired him on the spot after viewing the impression.

Transcript

John Mayer performs “Clarity”

Cat’s in the CradleSummary: An acoustic guitarist (Jack Black) is interrupted by his estranged dad (Horatio Sanz) and new wife Shelley Long (Amy Poehler).

Transcript

Wine CriticSummary: At a wine tasting, a wine critic (Jack Black) spits putrid wines on his presenter (Seth Meyers).

TelemarketersSummary: Head telemarketer (Jack Black) mourns the end of his era in song.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Cooking Class

Instructor…..Jack Black
Pete…..Chris Parnell
Gabe Fisher…..Fred Armisen
Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez…..Horatio Sanz
Ruth Weinstock…..Rachel Dratch

[ frizzy long-haired instructor addresses the class ]

Instructor: Hey.. welcome to the Learning Aneex. This is the Art of Italian Cooking. Uh.. I’m gonna be your instructor – Gerald O’Shea!

Pete: [ chuckles ] Well, that doesn’t sound very Italian!

Instructor: Well, it ain’t! Okay! Before we start.. let me take you on a little journey that is Gerald O’Shea, alright? You’ll find no more better qualified food teacher than me, and here is my resume..short list! Super Salad.. Panda Inn.. Wok ‘n Roll.. One Potato, Two Potato.. SpudCo.. Ye Olde Spaghetti Factor.. Great American Hero.. The Great American Cookie Co.. Philadelphia Cheesesteak Factory.. yogurt Machine.. Fudge Company.. and, up until today, Sbarro’s! Where, just like every other place, I was wrongfully terminated due to the fact that I will not put this lion’s mane into a hairnet! Nope! This mane CAN’T be tamed!! So don’t even THINK about it!! Alright?!! [ short pause ] Now, before we start cooking, let’s go around and introduce ourselves.

Gabe Fisher: Okay, uh.. hell-o-o-o-o! My name is Gabe Fish-errr.. and, uh.. I enjoy the finer things in life. Foo-oo-oo-ooddd! Wi-i-ine! And, uh.. beautiful women, and uh.. I’ve been told I can really, uh.. “cook” in the bedroom! [ smiling ] So, I’d like to learn how to cook in the kitchen!

Instructor: It’s true, Bro – ladies love good food. You know, sometimes when I got off my shift at Sbarro’s, I’d dig around all the mistake pizzas out of the dumpster, and troll about the city to woo a lovely lass. It worked like a charm, Broseph! Next!

Ruth Weinstock: Well, uh.. my name’s Ruth.. and, recently, a movie came into my life, called “Under the Tuscan Sun”. And, it inspired me to learn Italian cuisine. Now.. I need to know: will there be dairy in any of these dishes? If so, count me out – dairy gives me a watery stool.

Instructor: O-kayyy.. I will be aware of that, Brosephine. Okay, you – Vasquez.

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: I wanna learn how to cook on my own. ‘Cause I’m sicka eatin’ peanut butter and jellies!

Instructor: Alright. And.. Pete.. is it?

Pete: Yeah, well uh.. my wife told me, if I didn’t like her cooking so much, I should go take the class, learn how to cook my damn self! [ chuckles ] So, here I am!

Instructor: Alright. Now, class, listen up. Now, the first rule of food prep is “Wash your hands”, which we’ve already done! [ leans over the counter, his long hair draping over the sauce pot ] Am I right? Alright, Gabe – I’m gonna need you to chop up these tomatoes for me, capiche? Vasquez, please – start peeling the garlic. And, Ruth – could you, uh, grate the cheese up a bit?

Ruth Weinstock: Uh.. I can’t even touch dairy! If I even touch it, I’ll get a watery stool!

Instructor: Alright.. du-ly noted – switch with him. [ points to Gabe ]

Ruth Weinstock: No can do! Tomatoes make my fingers swell up like sausages!

Gabe Fisher: [ laughing ] You know, uh, working with food is, uh, very e-rot-ic! And.. the a-ro-mas are very, uhhhh.. sen-su-al!

Ruth Weinstock: Yeah? Talk to me after I’ve eaten gluton.

Instructor: Alright, Vasquez.. Vasquez, how we doing?

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: I might steal some of this garlic in my pockets to scare off vampires on my way homes!

Instructor: [ laughing ] Alright, you’re gonna be okay, friend!

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: I don’t think so – you should see my neighborhood! [ singing ] “The freaks come out at night! The freaks come out at night!”

Pete: [ rambling about his domestic bliss to anyone who can’t avoid listening ] So, then I told her, “Fine! I’ll take the cooking class – you take a laundry class, learn how to properly iron a shirt so I don’t embarrass myself in front of the junior executives!” [ laughs ]

Instructor: Yeahhh.. I know what you mean, man. [ begins rubbing the sauce-stirring spoon through his thick, mangy hair ] Chicks are bitch!

Gabe Fisher: [ to Ruth ] Uhh.. excuse me, but uh.. if I may be so bold, maybe if uhhh.. you’re not busy Tuesday, uhhh.. you could come over to my a-part-ment, and uh.. we could re-create this dish together.. uh.. iiiin a more intimate setting!

Ruth Weinstock: I’ll come over on three conditions. Rule #1: that you have no pets, as I am highly allergic to their dander and saliva; Rule #2: my clothes will remain on at all times; and Rule #3: one glass of wine, and I’ll forget all about Rule #2!

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: Oooooohh! The sauce smells delicious! And this cheese smells like feet!

Pete: [ still rambling about his domestic bliss ] So, then I said.. “Hey, Lorraine, I got an idea – why don’t you take a How Not To Let Yourself Go class! [ laughs hysterically ]

Instructor: Here, buddy.. this is a lot better than sex, my friend. Taste this!

[ everyone digs a spoon into the sauce pot for a taste sample ]

Pete: Hmm.. mm-hmm.. mm-hmm..

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: Holy moly! There’s a hair in my sauce! [ pulls out a hair ]

Pete: I-I got one, too.. [ holds up a hair ]

Gabe Fisher: Uh.. I don’t mean to com-plainn.. but I got one, too! [ chuckles ]

Ruth Weinstock: [ pulls a long strand of her hair from her mouth ] Yep. Hair.

Instructor: [ shocked by the accusations, in spite of his long hair ] Hey, man, don’t look at me, man-dudes! This is not mine.. it’s not mine!

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: But you the only one with hair this long! And you were making the sauce. It’s got to be you, Gerald O’Shea!

Instructor: OKAY!! You GOT me!! Congratulations, you FOUND the hair!! [ a beat ] Now, I’m gonna go take a nap.. and wake me up if you find my band-aid.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Californians For Schwarzenegger..written by: Jim Downey

Arnold Schwarzenegger…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: The following is a paid political announcement by Californians For Schwarzenegger.

[ dissolve to Arnold Schwarzenegger sitting on a mock home library set ]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Good evening. This Tuesday, the people of California.. will go to the polls.. to make an important decision. Whether they will continue.. with the fair policies.. of Gray [ sounding like “Craig” when he says it ] Davis.. in the special interest in Sacramento.. or take back our state.. by electing me the governor. And, let me tell you something – Gray Davis is scared! We know this.. because he’s starting.. with a negative campaign.. saying that I’m not ready for this job.. and all of these things.. that I have no specific proposals to get California.. of the mess that we are in! This is not so! It’s not! I have made an exhaustive study.. of the five most serious issues.. facing California. And tonight, I’m here to present the detail.. my five-point program.. for dealing with them!

Number One: The Economy.

[ for clarification, SUPER: “The Economy” ]

Under Gray Davis, we see it all the time, taxes go up, up, up.. and jobs go away, away, away. To Nevada.. and Arizona.. and all of those places. But I will stop this! How? Specifically.. [ for clarification, his text now appears as a SUPER ] by keeping jobs in California.. and creating new jobs. Good jobs! Where people come to the place.. and work with the employer.. and he gives them the money for doing these things!

Second: Education.

[ for clarification, SUPER: “Education” ]

After the ecomony.. the children and the education is, to me, the most important thing. So, what will I do to fix education? Specifically.. [ for clarification, his text now appears as a SUPER ] I will support the schools.. with the reading and the writing, and the adding together.. the adding together of the numbers and the geography, and all of these things. Because the children of California are the future.. and so on.

Third: There is the issue of Crime.

[ for clarification, SUPER: “Crime” ]

Specifically.. [ for clarification, his text now appears as a SUPER ] I am against the criminals! With the murder and the robbery and the arsons-for-hire impersonating of police officers, and things of this nature. I am against these things!

Fourth: The Environment.

[ for clarification, SUPER: “Environment” ]

It is all very well for me to have a detailed program on jobs.. and education.. and crime.. and this and that! But if we do not pass along a clean environment for children.. and grandchildren.. it is all for nothing! And then, like Gray Davis, I have a plan.. for the environment. Specifically.. [ for clarification, his text now appears as a SUPER ] I will help safeguard the environment.. with positive ID’s for protecting it.. and helpful proposals for making better the quality of our air, and the water, and all of that! Also, I will support the digging up of good ideas by others.

Fifth – and last: we must remember that, despite our differences.. and the bitterness of this campaign.. and all of these things.. we are all Californians. And that is why we must come together.. as one California. That is why we must celebrate our diversity.. that is the thing.. and that is why I am for the affirmative action.. and the rights for the Latinos and the Asians and the Native Americans and the scientoligists, and all of that. And also for the gays, with the men having sex with other men.. and the lesbians with each other.. and the putting of the gerbils and the hamsters, and so on, into the bottom.. and things of this nature! All this, I support.

So, there you have it. My five-point plan.. for California. And, remember.. when you go to the polls this Tuesday.. you’re not just voting for Governor.. oyu’re alo voting for our future.. and things of that nature.

And, one more thing.. “Live, from New York.. and all of that.. it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Cat’s in the Cradle

Musician…..Jack Black
Male Audience Member…..Kenan Thompson
Female Audience Member 1…..Maya Rudolph
Burt Jawinski…..Kenan Thompson
Shelley Long…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, The Wheel Bar & Grill ]

[ dissolve to interior, Musician onstage playing guitar for the crowd ]

“Ill never make the same mistakes
No, never; no, never, never
No, never; no, never, never, whoa
No, never; no, never, never
Doo-diddle-diddle-doo-diddle-doo!”

Musician: Thank you. Thank you very much. That was.. “The Wind”, by Yusef Islam. [ crowd boos ] Oh, hey, WHOA! Everybody! That’s not cool. Look – not all Muslims are terrorists, alright? You might know Yusef Islam by his old name – Cat Stevens!

Male Audience Member: Whoo-hoo, yeah!! Cat Stevens!!

Female Audience Member 1: Mmm! I LOVE Cat Stevens!!

Musician: Okay, thanks a lot, guys. Now, seriously – ladies and gentlemen, this is a special night for me, because there’s a man in the audience that, uh.. well, uh, he’s near and dear to my heart, and he’s never seen me play – ladies and gentlemen, my father, Burt Jawinsky.

Burt Jawinsky: [ stand, smiles ] Never heard of ’em! [ chuckles ]

[ the crowd applauds ]

Shelley Long: Oh, Burt, Bert! What about me! [ stands ] Aren’t you forgetting someone? Yoo-hoo!!

Musician: Oh. Hey, yeah – and his wife, my stepmom, Shelley Long.

Burt Jawinsky: She was on “Cheers”! She was on “Cheers”!

[ the crowd finally applauds lightly for her ]

Shelley Long: Hi! Hi, I was on “Cheers”! I was on “Cheers”! [ shakes the hands of a couple of members of the crowd ]

Musician: Alright, thanks. Thanks, Shelly.

Shelley Long: Yoo-hoo! I was on “Cheers”!

Musician: Thanks – wrap it up, Shelley.

[ Burt sits her down ]

Musician: Okay. Anyway – it means a lot to me that you’re here, Poppa, and, uh.. Dad? This song’s for you:[ singing ]”My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way –“

Burt Jawinsky: He was MADE in the usual way, too: on a FUTON!

[ two guys high-five Bert ]

Musician: [ still singing ]
“There were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away –“

Burt Jawinsky: Well, I had to travel for work, you know? I was road manager for the Harlem Globetrotters.

[ awkward silence ]

Shelley Long: Burt, don’t take it so literally. It’s just a song.

Burt Jawinsky: Well, Diane, I —

Shelley Long: SHELLEY!! My name is Shelley!

Burt Jawinsky: Shelley. He’s making me sound like a deadbeat DAD, or something!

Musician: [ continues to sing ]
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon –“

Burt Jawinsky: Ohhh, boy! Here we go with the cat again! He had a cat named “Boots” —

Musician: [ furious ] Okay, you KILLED Boots!

Burt Jawinsky: We had him put to sleep.

Musician: Boots could have gotten better!

Burt Jawinsky: [ stands ] He had Lou Gehrig’s Disease!

Shelley Long: Burt, calm down, sweetie. [ to Musician ] Sing your song, sweetheart. I was on “Cheers.”

Musician: NO!! Enough is enough, Dad! You’ve done this ever since I was a little kid!

Burt Jawinsky: Done what?

Musician: You’ve EMBARRASSED me!!

Burt Jawinsky: Such as?

Musician: Okay. My 8th grade Halloween party. Yuo got drunk and threw up in a top hat!

Burt Jawinsky: I was dressed as Abraham DRINKIN’!

[ Burt, the crowd, and Shelley all laugh, as high-fives are passed around ]

Musician: Well, you know what? It wasn’t funny to me.. Dad! And what about my Senior play?

Burt Jawinsky: Awwww, come on —

Musician: NO!! You were LAUGHING so hard, they threw you out!!

Burt Jawinsky: It was funny.

Musician: We were doing “Diary of Anne Frank”!!

Burt Jawinsky: [ starts laughing, Shelley joins in ] Every time I THINK of it, I lose it!

Musician: Yeah? And what about my college graduation party?!

Burt Jawinsky: [ thinks back for a moment ] What.

Musician: You got DRUNK and threw up in a TOP HAT!!!

Burt Jawinsky: [ offended ] How.. DARE you!! I was.. DRUNK!! [ stands up and pounds his table ]

Musician: WHY??!!!

Burt Jawinsky: [ matter-of-factly ] Because I had problems. [ camera zooms in, as Shelley clutches Burt’s arm ] It wasn’t easy being a single father. Your mother left me.. I got caught taking money out of Meadowlark Lemon’s wallet.. tragically, I developed an allergy to cookies. All in the same year, so.. pardon mai.. if I went a little whacky. [ looks at Shelley ] Thank God I got paired up with this sweet lady on “$25,000 Pyramid”!

Shelley Long: [ smiles ] “Things You Find in a Drawer!”

[ they kiss ]

Musician: Dad!!!

Burt Jawinsky: All I know is.. when I look at you, I know I did all right. ‘Cause you’re a great son. [ looks at the crowd ] And so a lot of other people think the SAME thing!!

[ Shelley leads the crowd into a round of applause ]

Musician: Thanks. Thank you, Dad. That means a lot to me. You know what else would mean a lot? Come up here and sing a song with me!

Burt Jawinsky: [ embarrassed ] Aww, I don’t know..

Shelley Long: Come on, Burt, why not? Sing with your boy! “Cheers”!

[ the crowd cheers Burt on, as he stands and approaches the stage ]

Burt Jawinsky: I don’t know what we’re gonna sing, uh — I don’t know any songs.

Musician: Well, I know you know this one, Dad!

[ opening piano notes of the “Cheers” theme song begins ]

Musician: [ singing ] “Making your way in the world today, takes everything you’ve got.”

Burt Jawinsky: [ singing ] “Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot!”

Musician: [ singing ] “Wouldn’t you like to get away?”

Burt Jawinsky: [ singing ] Sometimes you want to go-o-o-o-o-o-o..”

Musician: [ singing ] “Where everybody knows your na-a-me!”

[ Shelley pops into the scene ]

All: [ singing ] “And you’re always glad you ca-ame!!”

[ Shelley returns to her seat ]

Together: [ singing ] “You want to be where everybody knows your name!”

Shelley Long: [ pokes her head in once more ] I was on that show!

[ Father and Son hug, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Goodnights

…..Jack Black
…..John Mayer

Jack Black: Thanks to John Mayer!

John Meyer: [ humbly ] Thank you.

Jack Black: Kyle Gass! Will Ferrell! And everybody who wrote and acted in this thing!

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Huggies Thongs

Mom #1…..Maya Rudolph
Mom #2…..Rachel Dratch

[ two moms look on as their kids play ]

Mom #1: Aren’t they adorable?

Mom #2: Yours is.

Mom #1: Oh, come on!

Mom #2: I’m serious! Caitlin always looks great! ..But, my little Abby looks so.. frumpy. It’s a big, bulky diaper.

Mom #1: Well, haven’t you heard about new Huggies Thongs?

Mom #2: Thongs for babies?

Mom #1: Thongs are what I wear when I need a smooth panty line. So, why shouldn’t she?

Mom #2: Are these as absorbant as regular Huggies?

Mom #1: See for yourself.

[ they pour a fecal-like substance over the thin thong panty strip, which promptly succumbs to the weight and tears through ]

Mom #2: They’re not.

Mom #1: No. In fact, they cause a bigger mess than if there were no diaper at all.

Mom #2: I like it!

Mom #1: Isn’t cleaning up a few times worth it?

Mom #2: I’m sold! [ making a bad pun ] It seems like, with new Huggies, we can’t go thong!

[ the two moms laugh ]

[ Sisqo’s “Thong Song” plays, on close-up of the babies’ bouncing booties in thong diapers ]

Announcer: Huggies. You can’t go thong.

SNL Transcripts