Female Announcer: A message to our clients from the investment firm of Grayson Moorhead.
[Male announcer reads the following quote, attributed to TheodoreRoosevelt, as the quote is superimposed on screen over a bust ofRoosevelt]
Male Announcer: “Far better it is to dare mighty things, even though risking failure, than to take rank with those timid souls who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.”
[Cut to Arthur Grayson, walking around his office]
Arthur Grayson: The last eighteen years have been difficult ones for our clients, but, oh, did they dare mighty things. Consider, forexample, those who invested in our Twenty-First Century Tax AdvantagedSelect Growth Fund. I wish I had that kind of courage.
[He opens up his liquor cabinet and makes himself a drink]
This fund, one of the boldest and most revolutionary ever launched onWall Street, was intended to combine long-term equity growth, steadycapital formation, reliable dividend yield, and minimal tax exposure.
[Graph shown of the investment losing money at a staggering rate,plummeting farther and farther into the red over time]
Unfortunately, it instead turned out to combine immediate capitalhemorrhaging with flat or non-existent dividend growth, followed by aperiod of stagnation, then more capital hemorrhaging, and,surprisingly for a tax-exempt fund, extremely heavy back-end taxpenalties.
[Back to Grayson]
In addition, many investors were referred for criminal prosecution bythe Securities and Exchange Commission, and more than 7,000 had theiridentities stolen by the Russian Mafia, which had unwisely been givenaccess to our computer system. Three had their U.S. Citizenshiprevoked.
[He takes his drink and moves to sit by the fire]
Had you invested $100,000 in this fund five years ago, that investmentwould now be worth absolutely nothing, with a federal income taxliability of nearly $840,000. But you would have something moreimportant than money — that you would have none of. You would havethe pride of knowing that, though you failed, you had dared mightythings, unlike those timid investors who, in the words of the poet,know neither victory nor defeat. Although I suppose investors whoplaced their money with our competitors, and thus made a fortune,could argue they actually did, in fact, know victory. And perhaps, ina financial sense, they did. But they didn’t know defeat. That issomething only our clients understand.
[He turns towards the fire, settling into his chair]
Male Announcer: Grayson Moorhead. Losing our clients’ money withdignity and pride since 1926.
Waiter #1: [holding heat gloves] Okay, everybody. Your food is here, but I want to warn you, okay? Please be careful. The plates are extremely hot.
Waiter #2: [arriving with food cart] Very hot plates!
Waiter #1: Hot plates!
Female Diner #1: Okay, okay, we get it. “Hot plates.”
[diners chuckle]
Waiter #1: No, seriously. [puts on heat gloves] These plates are awfully hot. Use extreme caution.
Waiter #2: Hot plates! Coming in! [hands plate to Waiter #1]
Waiter #1: Okay, here we go. [receives plate from Waiter #2] T-bone! Who’s got the T-bone?! Hot plate here! Hot plate!
Male Diner: Oh, right here. My plate. Sorry.
Waiter #1: Yaaaaah-all right! [puts plate down in front of Male Diner]
Male Diner: Oh! Oh, man! This plate is unreasonably hot! I feel the heat on my face!
Waiter #1: Yeah, you know what? I told you, watch yourself. I told you, the plate would be hot. Okay, the plates are absolutely roasting, folks.
Waiter #2: Hot plates!
Waiter #1: Hot plates!
Female Diner #2: I’m starting to sweat. This is crazy!
Waiter #1: [receives plate from Waiter #2] Okay, who’s got the salmon?
Female Diner #1: That’s me. That’s–right here.
Waiter #1: Okay, here we go. [puts plate down in front of Female Diner #1]
Female Diner #1: [leaning over the plate] Oh, it looks good!
Waiter #1: Agh! Be careful! Get your hair off the plate! And if I were you, I’d roll up those sleeves. The plate is hot as lava!
Waiter #2: Hot plates!
Waiter #1: Hot plates!
[smoke begins to rise around Female Diner #1’s plate]
Female Diner #1: My plate’s burning the tablecloth.
Waiter #1: Don’t worry, everybody. The tablecloths are made of a heat-resistant asbestos.
Male Diner: Hey, isn’t asbestos dangerous?
Waiter #1: Okay, guy? These plates and how hot they are are the least of your worries, all right?
Waiter #2: Hot plates!
Waiter #1: Hot plates! All right, who had the baby field greens with gargonzola and walnuts?
Louis: Yeah, that’s me, right over here.
Waiter #1: [receives plate from Waiter #2] Okay, sir, please, watch it, because the closest comparison I can give you to this plate is, like, the surface of the sun hot. Okay, be careful.
Louis: For a salad plate?
Waiter #1: Yeah. [puts plate down in front of Louis]
[plate bursts into flames]
Louis: Aaaaah! Oh, my lordness! My salad is on fire!
Waiter #1: It’s not the salad! It’s the plate!
Waiter #2: Hot plates!
Waiter #1: Hot plates!
Male Diner: Hey, excuse me, waiter? The hot plate kind of overcooked my steak. [holds up his very burnt steak on a fork]
Waiter #1: You know what? I don’t go to where you work and tell you what to do, do I? Where do you work, by the way?
Male Diner: I’m a waiter over at Four Oaks.
Waiter #1: Oh, that’s a nice place.
Male Diner: Yeah.
Waiter #1: I’ll be right back with your food.
Female Diner #1: Um, my plate looks like it may be burning through the table. [plate burns through table and falls amid a cloud of steam, she and Louis gasp]
Male Diner: What is going on?!
Louis: You know, I suddenly feel like I might want to touch my plate.
Female Diner #1: No, you idiot! He just told you how hot they are!
Louis: I can’t resist it any longer! I have to touch that plate! [grasps his right hand in his left and guides it to the plate, screaming in pain upon making contact]
Female Diner #2: What happened?
Louis: Pinky touched the plate. [puts pinky finger into glass of water, which sprays up a large jet in response]
Male Diner: Oh, my God!
Female Diner #1: I gotta admit, it’s getting pretty tempting to touch his plate.
Male Diner: Are you crazy?! Didn’t you just see what happened to Louis?! Goddamn these plates!
Female Diner #1: I hear what you’re saying, but I have to touch the plate! [reaches her right hand to the plate and screams]
Louis: Oh, why did she touch the plate?!
Female Diner #1: He was right! [she tries to pull her hand from the plate, but the heat has fused her skin to it] My hand melted!
[diners scream wildly in terror as Waiter #1 arrives, waring a welding mask on top of his heat, and attempts to pry her fingers from the plate]
Waiter #1: We’re going to deal with that later. But now, something a little more important. Who had the scallop plate?! Scallops?!
Female Diner #2: Right here! My plate! Scallops, right here!
Male Diner: [shrieking] How do you still want the scallops?!
Waiter #1: Now, guys, I have to warn you. These scallops–the plate for these scallops is unlike any other plate in the restaurant. It is hot, do you understand?! It’s unholy hot. You have to avert your eyes when I bring the plate. [lowers welding mask] Whatever you do, don’t look at the plate.
[Waiter #2 arrives, also wearing a welding mask, and holding the plate in tongs. He transfers the tongs to Waiter #1’s hands, and Waiter #1 sets it down in front of Female Diner #2. A fiery, purple-red light shines on her, and all diners recoil with their hands over their faces.]
Female Diner #2: God, you know, I need to look at that plate.
Female Diner #1: No, no, no, I wouldn’t do that!
Waiter #1: Please don’t, not without the mask!
Female Diner #1: He’s even wearing a welder’s hat!
Female Diner #2: I know, I know the risks, yet still I’m compelled. I must look at that plate! [she lowers her hands, leans over the plate, and screams in pain as she falls back with her hands over her eyes]
Female Diner #1: What happened?!
Male Diner: What do you think?! She burned her eyes looking at the plate!
Louis: Oh, we told you not to look at it!
[shot returns to Female Diner #2 to show that she is now a skeleton, with a dramatic musical cue, and all diners scream in terror and anguish]
Female Diner #2: It’s so damn hot!
Satan: Because, my dear, you’re in hell! [cackles as lights flicker with dramatic music, and smoke rises around him, before all effects suddenly stop] But do enjoy your meal.
Hilary Swank: Thank you! I am so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live! I just thought it would be good to do something really stressful the week before the Academy Awards, so that Oscar night will seem really relaxing by comparison. Now, I don’t know if you guys have seen Million Dollar Baby yet (applause) Thank you! Without giving too much away, I can tell you, it ain’t a comedy. Now, I haven’t done a lot of comedy before, so I really had to work hard this week, and I like to do my homework. So, I spent the week studying the cast. You would not believe how intensely these guys prepare! Well, come on, I’ll show you! (Walks stage left of home base to a set area that is deserted except for Chris Parnell jumping rope in a red exercise outfit.) Here’s Chris. Now, Chris, um, you’re getting ready for a Richard Simmons sketch?
Chris: (laughs) No, Hilary. I like to do 18 minutes of intensive cardio exercise right before each show. Really gets your juices flowing, Hilary. Give it a try. (hands her the jump rope) And, don’t be frustrated if it’s a little hard at first.
Hilary Swank: (takes the jump rope) Oh, okay. (does a swishy thing with the jump rope and then begins jumping faster than Chris was, although she stumbles once. Applause. Then she grins and hands the rope back to Parnell and runs away upstage right.)
Chris: Alrighty good for you.
Hilary Swank: (running around the audience) Will and Maya taught me that there are totally different kinds of vocal warm-ups you have to do for comedy. (reaches Will and Maya behind the audience)
Will and Maya: (unison) Bilbo Baggins bent on bended knee. (They repeat this as Hilary joins in.) I would like to buy a tuxedo for my dog, Mr. Weisenheimer.
Maya: (Stops Hilary) No, Hilary, Hilary, dig down deep. From, from, your yoni.
Hilary Swank: (Raises her eyebrows and nods. Speaks loudly and throatily) Mr. Weisenheimer!
Maya: Very good, very good. (sticks out her tongue) Rah, rah, rah.
Will: (Joins in with the noises) Va, na dah
Hilary Swank: (Joins in)
Maya: Ba bay bee bo boo
Hilary Swank: Thanks guys!
Maya: Anytime.
Hilary Swank: (Continues to make noises and faces as she walks down a hall.) Now, on Saturday, Horatio drinks nothing but liquid egg whites, for energy. (She has reached Horatio and taps him on the shoulder. He is carrying a pitcher full of a mysterious white liquid.) Oh here, lemme have a hit of that. (Grabs the pitcher and takes a gulp. She makes a face.) Horatio, that’s mayonnaise!
Horatio: Is it? (Takes a gulp) So it is. I must take my nutritionist to task! (Dips a piece of bread in the pitcher and eats it.) Post haste!
Hilary Swank: (Rolls her eyes and leaves Horatio, walking down another hall.) Now, Kenan taught me that the biggest thing in live television, is that you have to be relaxed. Like in sports, you need to be in a state of relaxed readiness. (reaches Kenan’s dressing room door, knocks) Kenan! (When there is no answer, she motions to the camera and opens the door. She enters and sits next to Kenan, who is slumped on a couch and dressed as Queen Latifah at the Grammys. He is snoring, but his eyes are open.) Now, Kenan is so deeply relaxed. Check this out! He can actually sleep with his eyes open! And he’s in costume, ready to perform comedy at any time. Watch this. (talks in his ear) Kenan, Kenan, you’re on!
Kenan: (wakes up) Wh-What? (unintelligible) Welcome to the two thousand and five Grammy Awards. (blinks, then slumps back down on the couch)
Hilary Swank: Isn’t that amazing? Kenan, it’s time for Update!
Kenan: (Wakes up again. As Bill Cosby.) What? I love the Jello pudding pops! (slumps down again)
Hilary Swank: (Gets up, walks out) The only other person I knew who could do that, is Morgan Freeman. (Approaches Rachel’s door) Now, Rachel never let me in her dressing room. She’s very private about her process. But, maybe we can get a sneak peek. (Grins, motions to the camera, and opens the door and enters.)
Rachel: You don’t own me. (We see Rachel is dressed in a pink nightie and hairnet, holding a large bottle of liquor. She is talking to something we can’t see.) You’re not the boss of me! (takes a swig) You’re not the boss of me! What you smilin’ at, four eyes, huh? (We see she is talking to a huge photo of Tina Fey.) Whatchoo smiling at?! (She hurls the bottle at the the photo. She looks around, breathing heavily.)
Hilary Swank: Whoa, let’s get out of here. (Exits) Um, who knew Rachel Dratch’s comedy came from such a dark place? (Goes down a corridor to another hall) Whoa. Wow. That’s a lotta anger coming out of such a tiny body. (She reaches Amy and Seth, who appear not to notice her.)
Seth: So I think, you know, when the Little Sleuths come in, that’s, you know, when we’re gonna start it.
Amy: Yeah yeah yeah, we just gotta keep our energy up.
Seth Meyers: Yeah yeah yeah. Absolutely, you know-
Hilary Swank: These guys, they like to study their old scripts to go over them again and again.
Amy: Yeah.
Seth: (to Amy) I’m really happy we’re doing this scene.
Amy: Me too. (They look as if they are about to hug, and then start wildly making out.)
Hilary Swank: Um hey guys, are you ready for the show?
Amy: (They stop) Oh hey!
Seth: Haha, we didn’t see you!
Amy: You were standing right next to us. We just have, what we do to get in the funny zone.
Seth: Yeah yeah yeah, get in the funny zone.
Hilary Swank: Well, I definitely want to get in the funny zone. (Starts making out with Seth, then they stop and laugh)
Seth: Hahaha, that was so funny!
Hilary Swank: That was hilarious! I’m ready! (runs off)
Seth: Hahaha!
Amy: (looks pissed) What the hell was that?
Seth: What? I have to, she’s the host!
Amy: (pause) I love how spineless you are. (They go at it again. Seth pushes her onto a cafeteria table, knocking over bowls of fruit.)
Hilary Swank: (back at home base) Alright! I am pumped, I am in the zone I’m vaguely nauseous let’s start this thing! We have got a great show for you, Fiddy Cent is here! (applauds) So stick around, we’ll be right back!
Hilary Swank: Ladies and gentlemen – Fiddy Cent, featuring Olivia!
50 Cent: “Yeah… Uh huh So seductive.
I take you to the candy shop I’ll let you lick the lollypop Go ‘head girl, don’t you stop Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)
Olivia: I’ll take you to the candy shop (uh huh) Boy one taste of what I got (come on) I’ll have you spending all you got (say what?) Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)
50 Cent: You can have it your way, how do you want it You gon’ back that thing up or should I push up on it Temperature rising, okay let’s go to the next level Dance floor jam packed, hot as a teakettle I’ll break it down for you now, baby it’s simple If you be a nympho, I’ll be a nympho In the hotel or in the back of the rental On the beach or in the park, it’s whatever you into Got the magic stick, I’m the love doctor Have your friends teasin you ’bout how sprung I gotcha Wanna show me how you work it baby, no problem Get on top then get to bouncing round like a low rider I’m a season vet when it come to this — After you broke up a sweat you can play with the stick I’m tryin to explain baby the best way I can I melt in your mouth girl, not in your hands (ha ha)
I take you to the candy shop I’ll let you lick the lollypop Go ‘head girl, don’t you stop Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)
Olivia: I’ll take you to the candy shop (uh huh) Boy one taste of what I got (come on) I’ll have you spending all you got (say what?) Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)
Girl what we do (what we do) And where we do (and where we do) The things we do (the things we do) Are just between me and you (oh yeah)
Give it to me baby, nice and slow Climb on top, ride like you in the rodeo You ain’t never heard a sound like this before Cause I ain’t never put it down like this Soon as I come through the door she get to pullin’ on my zipper It’s like it’s a race who can get undressed quicker (whoo!) Isn’t it ironic how erotic it is to watch ’em in thongs Had me thinking ’bout that ass after I’m gone I touch the right spot at the right time Lights on or lights off, she like it from behind So seductive, you should see the way she wind Her hips in slow-mo on the floor when we grind No, she ain’t stoppin, homie I ain’t stoppin’ Drippin’ wet with sweat man its on and popping All my champagne campaign, bottle after bottle its on And we gon’ sip til every bubble in every bottle is gone.
I take you to the candy shop I’ll let you lick the lollypop Go ‘head girl, don’t you stop Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)
Olivia: I’ll take you to the candy shop (uh huh) Boy one taste of what I got (come on) I’ll have you spending all you got (say what?) Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)
50 Cent: I take you to the candy shop I’ll let you lick the lollypop Go ‘head girl, don’t you stop Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)
Olivia: I’ll take you to the candy shop (uh huh) Boy one taste of what I got (come on) I’ll have you spending all you got (say what?) Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)”
50 Cent: “Lil’ mama show me how you move it Go ahead put yo back into it Do ya thang like there aint nothin to it Shake.. sh..sh..shake that thang girl Lil’ mama show me how you move it Go ahead put yo back into it Do ya thang like there aint nothin to it Shake.. sh..sh..shake that — girl.
Go go, 50 in the house, bounce, y’all already know what I’m about The flow sounds sick over Dre’ drums — I ain’t stupid I see Doc and my dough come quicker. Whoa! Shorty’ hips is hypnotic, she moves so erotic, but watch I’m a watch her bounce that ass girl I get it crunk in here, I make it jump in here, front in here, we’ll thump in here, ooohh I’m so gutter, so ghetto, so hood So gully, so grimey, what’s good? Outside, the Benz on dubs I’m in the club with the snub, don’t start nothin’, it won’t be nothin’, uuhhh.
Lil’ mama show me how you move it Go ahead put yo back into it Do ya thang like there aint nothin to it Shake.. sh..sh.. shake that thang girl Lil’ mama show me how you move it Go ahead put yo back into it Do ya thang like there aint nothin to it Shake.. sh..sh.. shake that thang girl.
Let’s party, everybody stand up Everybody put ya hands up Let’s party, everybody bounce with me Some champagne and burn a lil’ green with me This hot, Disco Inferno, let’s go You are now rockin’ wit’ a pro I get told to flip dough to get more, fa sho’ Get my drink on, then get on the dance flo’ Look homie I don’t dance all I do is this It’s the same two step wit’ a lil’ twist Listen pimpin’ I ain’t new to this, I’m true to this Pay attention boy, I teach ya how to do this thing So you mix a lil’ Cris with a lil’ Dom Perignon And a lil’ Hennessy, you know we finna carry on Hollerin’ at these snakes in da club tryin’ to get right We gonna be up in this — ’til we break daylight.
Lil’ mama show me how you move it Go ahead put yo back into it Do ya thang like there aint nothin to it Shake.. sh..sh.. shake that thang girl Lil’ mama show me how you move it Go ahead put yo back into it Do ya thang like there aint nothin to it Shake.. sh..sh.. shake that thang girl.
You see me shinin’ and lit up with diamonds cause I stay grindin’ Homie you can catch me swoopin Bentley coupin’, switchin lanes You see me rollin’, you know I’m holdin’, I’m about my paper, yeah Now I’m serious, I ain’t playin’ I’ll embed it in ya brain, I’m off the chain G-Unit! Next level now, turn it up a notch Em and Dre sent me to tear up the spot Front on me, oh no, you know I’m loco Hands up on the dance floor, ok let’s go!
Lil’ mama show me how you move it Go ahead put yo back into it Do ya thang like there aint nothin to it Shake.. sh..sh.. shake that thang girl Lil’ mama show me how you move it Go ahead put yo back into it Do ya thang like there aint nothin to it Shake.. sh..sh.. shake that thang girl.”
…..Tina Fey …..Amy Poehler Tom Jankeloff…..Fred Armisen Morgan Freeman…..Finesse Mitchell
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
[cheers and applause]
Amy: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories. On Tuesday, jury selection for the Michael Jackson trial was postponed when the popstar was taken to a hospital to be treated for flu. Which is weird, because I would have treated the pedophila. Hmm.
Amy: Earlier in the week, Michael Jackson’s attorney told prospective jurors that defense witnesses in his child molestation trial could include celebrities such as: (shows pictures) Elizabeth Taylor, Nick and Aaron Carter, Diana Ross, Cory Feldman, Peter Pan, Mighty Mouse, Captain Crunch, Dancing Spoon in a Top Hat, and Larry King.
It has been estimated that by Wednesday more than one million people will have been to Central Park to see the art installation “The Gates.” Though I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who gets it.
Tina: Disgusting, ew! We sent one of our Weekend Update roving reporters to check out the gates firsthand. Please welcome Native New Yorker Tom Jankeloff.
Tom Jankeloff: Thanks. So, uh, since they were revealed last week, the whole world’s been talking nonstop about these gates. But I as a New Yorker wanted to see what all the regular New Yorkers had to say about it, so I went to Central Park to find out. Here’s what happened.
(We go to him standing in the Park with a microphone, wearing a Mets windbreaker.)
Tom Jankeloff: Hi, I’m Tom Jankeloff. What is art? Where does art end and reality begin? Who looks at art? We’re gonna answer this and many other questions as we discover: The Gates!
(cut to him interviewing a middle aged woman)
Hi, how are you?
Woman: Hi, how are you?
Tom Jankeloff: Good. Whaddya think of these gates?
Woman: Unbelievable. Awesome.
Tom Jankeloff: (interrupting her) Right, right. Yeah.
Woman: They’re spectacular.
Tom Jankeloff: How did you come across knowing about them?
Woman: Well, um, I’m from Arizona, but I saw it on the Today Show-
Tom Jankeloff: Right, right, yeah, yeah.
Woman: And, uh-
Tom Jankeloff: Yeah.
Woman: I just got here last night-
Tom Jankeloff: Right, right.
Woman: So this is our first day.
(Cut to Jankeloff interviewing a middle-aged couple.)
Tom Jankeloff: How did the color make you feel?
Woman: Happy, it made my whole-
Tom Jankeloff: (Promptly walks away)
Woman: Heart (gives up and they watch him walk away.)
(Cut to an interview with a jogger.)
Tom Jankeloff: Was it different jogging through these things? Or does jogging still suck?
Jogger: Jogging’s great. I think the gates suck.
Tom Jankeloff: Wow, really. (Jogger walks away)
(interview with a young woman)
Young Woman: I think that they bring a splash of color, to the, to the, park, and-
Tom Jankeloff: Really? Well, that’s not what I think. I think it’s time for a debate. You go first.
Young Woman: (pause) I think that the artist put it here just as an aesthetic for-
Tom Jankeloff: (shakes his head) Nah, nah
Young Woman: -what they wanted to do-
Tom Jankeloff: Nah, nah. That’s where you’re wrong. Do yer research, do yer research.
(cut to him walking under the gates, he walks up to one)
Tom Jankeloff: Uh, this one (knocks on it) My favorite.
(cut to him running through the gates)
I love the gates! Thank you, Cristo!
(slow motion footage of Jankeloff in the park is shown as Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” plays in the background. The subtext “In Loving Memory, Tom Jankelhoff, 1970-2005. We’ll Miss You.” appears, as some members of the audience make distressed noises. Back to Update desk.)
Tom Jankeloff: Huh, not bad, right?
Tina: Tom, Tom that kind of makes it seem like you died, at the end.
Tom Jankeloff: Yeah, it’s a nice touch. You know, I’m a filmmaker, you know, and I thought it would be kind of an emotional ending kind of thing.
Tina: All right. Idiot Tom Jankeloff, everybody.
Amy: Mary Kay LeTourneau, the teacher who went to prison for having an affair with her twelve year old student, is going to marry the young man, who is now 22 years old. The couple is registered at Bed, Bath, and Way, Way, Way Beyond.
Tina: It’s been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea, the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region. According to President Bush, this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran, and to keep our other 70% in Iraq.
Amy: New York Governor George Pataki, and Mayor Mike Bloomberg, broke ground on Thursday for a new hotel in Harlem. Then they walked as quickly as they could back to their limos and got the hell out of there.
A Michigan woman who pleaded guilty to driving drunk on three glasses of Listerine was sentenced Tuesday to two years probation. This is the first conviction under this law since the Scopes Monkey Trial.
Tina: No, uh, I don’t think that’s right, actually.
Amy: Oh no, I left school after fourth grade, so uh (Strikes an innocent pose as Tina looks down at her.)
Tina: (laughing) A leading Republican said Sunday that President Bush is so worried about Social Security that he’s only able to sleep ten hours a night.
According to a new study, it is unlikely that lobsters feel pain when they are cooked. Although they do experience some shame if they end up at a Red Lobster.
Amy: In a recent Valentine’s Day posting on her fan website, Britney Spears says that oh, who cares.
Tina: Yeah websites! With the Oscars just one week away, Million Dollar Baby is generating quite a buzz with its seven nominations. Here to talk about his nomination as Best Supporting Actor, Morgan Freeman.
(A chair rolls onstage, but nobody is in it.) Uh Mr. Freeman, are you there?
Morgan Freeman: (We hear Freeman’s voice) I couldn’t believe it was happenin’. Me, Morgan Freeman, about to do Weekend Update.
Tina: Mr. Freeman, where are you?
Morgan Freeman: Gimme a second, I’m narratin’. Here I am. (Comes onstage and sits) Thank you kindly for havin’ me, ladies.
Tina: Oh, our pleasure, Mr. Freeman. Congratulations on your nomination, you must be very excited.
Morgan Freeman: Well, as always, I’m honored. It’s not the first time for an Oscar playin’ the role of a poor white person’s friend who narrates the film. Same old, same old. Kind of old hat for me. I’ve made a career out of helping white folks solve their problems in movies. Savin’ their lives, givin’ them advice but no more! No, sir. I think it’s time Morgan Freeman helped himself. And I’m not talkin’ about saving the world. I’m not talkin’ about making people laugh. I’m talkin’ about a grade A, flat out, no holes barred love scene. I wanna get freaky with some young hottie like every other leading man over fifty. Hell, I’m runnin’ outa time. No more advice like, “Get busy livin,’ or ‘Get busy dyin.’ I just wanna get busy. Period. I don’t wanna be drivin’ Miss Daisy. I wanna be ridin’ Miss Daisy. And you know, come to think of it, I’ve made fifteen films with Ashley Judd. What’s a brother gotta do to get some of that? So please, if anybody’s listenin’, write me a script where there’s a love scene. And when you see me in the bed, I’ll show you a true Oscar-winnin’ performance.
Amy: Investigators said Monday that blood found on the floor of a Detroit home was not that of Jimmy Hoffa, but rather a standard feature of homes in Detroit.
Tina: It was reported that for Valentine’s Day, actor David Arquette gave his wife Courtney Cox a $200,000 ruby and emerald necklace. So I guess it’s a joint checking account in that house. (laughs and some strong boos) Yeah, I’ll take it. Ooh, back at you.
Um last week, doctors reported the discovery of a more virulent and drug-resistant strain of the HIV virus called SuperAids. Or as it’s known in Spanish, Sida Fantastico! Now, you should’ve saved that “ooh” for there. (Audience boos obligingly) There is is!
Amy: An environmentally friendly paper manufacturer in Australia has begun creating paper from marsupial manure. It’s called the New York Post. (some boos) Boo! For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 30: Episode 14 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players: March 12th, 2005 David Spade Jack Johnson None G. Love Liz Cackowski John Lutz JB Smoove Paula Pell CNN News ReportSummary: Martha Stewart (David Spade) is out of jail and back at work, and her staff is frightened for their lives. Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart. Transcript
David Spade’s MonologueSummary: Audience members question David Spade about his Capitol One commercials. Recurring Characters: Terrell, Terrell’s Wife.
Artsy HouseSummary: Nuni (Fred Armisen) and Nuni (Maya Rudolph) show off the weird decor in their ski home. Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni, Tato.
Deaf JudgeSummary: The new ABC drama features a judge (Seth Meyers) who has no sense of hearing. Also coming to ABC next Fall: “Idiot Doctor” (David Spade). Transcript
Stunt DoubleSummary: While filming a new action-comedy with Vin Diesel (Horatio Sanz), David Spade learns that his stunt double is a woman (Amy Poehler) who portrays him in an effeminate manner. Transcript
WoombaSummary: The self-operating electronic feminine hygeine product that knows best when a woman should be using it. Note: Repeat from 04h.
Holding CellSummary: After being wrongfully jailed, Andrew (Rob Riggle) shares a cell with Spider (David Spade), an obnoxious inmate who talks the talk but never quite walks the walk. Transcript
Jack Johnson performs “Sitting, Waiting, Wishing”Bio: Jack Johnson (1975-). Singer-songwriter; former champion surfer who began writing songs while a film student at the University of California.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Amy gives the hip-hop report, while Tina tries to shoot her. Jorge Rodriguez (Horatio Sanz) rambles on about income taxes without ever getting to the point. Recurring Characters: Jorge Rodriguez. Transcript
Sean Penn’s Celebrity RoastSummary: Sean Penn (Seth Meyers) hosts a roast for Clint Eastwood (Darrell Hammond), but is too much of a sourpuss to see the humor in comedians’ remarks about the legendary actor. Recurring Characters: Sean Penn, Clint Eastwood, Bea Arthur. Transcript
UPS GuySummary: A UPS delivery guy (David Spade) makes awkward banter with an office receptionist (Rachel Dratch) until he works up the nerve to ask her out. Things become more and more awkward after she turns him down. Transcript
Jingle SingersSummary: A crowd has gathered for a reception performed by C.C. (Maya Rudolph) and Roger Barry (David Spade), a show-biz couple who specialize in commercial jingles.
Bear CitySummary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair. Note: This short film was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Colin Farrell, Topher Grace, and Paul Giamatti.
Jack Johnson, featuring G. Love perform “Mudfootball”Bio: G. Love (1972-). Musician; real name: Garrett Dutton III; fronts the band G. Love & Special Sauce. Lyrics
Dirtball and Burnout ConventionSummary: Dirtballs and burnouts will get together this weekend for rowdy fun and hijinks. Recurring Characters: Skeeter. Transcript
Andrew…..Rob Riggle Female Cop…..Amy Poehler Male Cop…..Kenan Thompson Spider…..David Spade
[ open on a close-up on the interior bars of a holding cell, as Male and Female Cop drag Andrew into the cell ]
Andrew: You don’t understand. It’s my car! I’m the one who reported it stolen, but then it was recovered!
Female Cop: Well, I’m sure your story will check out, but, unfortunately, our computer still lists it as stolen.
Male Cop: Look, just sit tight, alright, for an hour, okay? We’ll clear this up.
[ the Cops close the cell door and exit scene ]
[ exasperated, Andrew sits on a bench across from an inmate reading a magazine ]
Andrew: This is just great!
Spider: What happened?
Andrew: Well, last year, my car – it got stolen, right? But then, uh, they recovered it a week later. And, tonight, they pulled me over, saying it was listed as stolen, but it’s not! It’s my car!
Spider: This time? They say I was scalpin’ tickets outside of a Chick Corea. But, like you, I’m “innocent.”
Andrew: I am innocent!
Spider: So, what’s your name, kid?
Andrew: Andrew.
Spider: [ reflective ] Andrew.. You know, the other.. the other guys call me “Spider.”
Andrew: [ looks around the cell, confused ] What other guys?
Spider: The other cons. After a while — [ purses his lips ] maybe you’ll get a little nickname. how about that?
Andrew: I don’t want a nickname, alright? I just want to get out of here.
Spider: [ sighs ] First time in the joint?
Andrew: The joint? This is a holding cell in Sherman Oaks!
Spider: Welome to Hell, kid! A bew fish like you, you’d get eaten up in a second! But, don’t you worry – Daddy gonna take care of you. [ stands, casually saunters toward Andrew ] Here come the Spider. Spider comin’ over..
Andrew: What are you doin’?
Spider: I’m turning’ you out, boy?
Andrew: You’re doing what?!
Spider: I’m turnin’ you out, makin’ you my little girlfriend. [ singing ] “We goin’ to the chapel, and we gonna get married..” [ grabs a hold of Andrew ]
Spider: [ grabs Andrew some more ] Spider’s gonna put you in a sleeper hold, and, when you wake up, we gonna be man and wife! Start likin’ it!
Andrew: Get your hands off me!
[ Andrew shoves Spider back to the bench on the opposite side of the cell ]
Spider: Oh, you’re a big boy, aren’tcha? [ chuckles ] Strong, tougher than I thought. Spider gonna regroup a little bit, take a breather. By the way, I used to be involved in a little bone-smuggling ring. [ chuckles ] You might get dem smuggler’s blues!
Andrew: I don’t think so, pal.
Spider: [ slowly rises ] Uh-oh. What’s goin’ on? [ starts creeping toward Andrew again ] Spider comin’ back. Here come Spider. What’s he doin’? Comin’ to getcha! We can do this the hard way, or we can do this the easy way — [ grabs a hold of Andrew ]
Andrew: [ resisting ] Hey, we’re not doing this at all!
Spider: I like when the little punk bitch fights back! It makes it all the better!
Andrew: Alright, okay, alright, that’s it!
[ Andrew picks spider up and throws him back onto his side of the cell, briefly shaking part of the sketch set ]
Andrew: Now, just sit there, alright?!
Spider: Yeah —
Andrew: Don’t make me hurt you!
Spider: I give. Uncle! I get it, you’re no stranger to the system. Hey, man – a guy wins, he wins. [ rises, walks toward Andrew while unbuckling his pants ] I guess you’re the man in the relationship – let’s have at it! [ drops his pants and turns his hind toward Andrew ]
Andrew: [ flabbergasted ] What?! Hey! Put your pants on!
Spider: I’m your bitch! Let’s do it!
Andrew: Hey, no! I’m not into men, alright?
Spider: This ain’t about sex, it’s about power. Go on, get in there.
Andrew: Alright, alright.. [ calls out ] Guard! Guard!
Spider: [ quickly puts his pants back on and sits on his bench ] What?! Come on, kid, be cool! Don’t call the guard! You’re asking for trouble, man.
Andrew: Why?
Spider: ‘Cause you get labeled a snitch, man, and you never make it out the big house.
Andrew: Again – we’re in a holding cell in Sherman Oaks!
Spider: Whether it’s Sing Sing, or Sherman Oaks.. out in the yard, nobody likes a snitch!
Andrew: Would you just go over there, and shut up, please?
Spider: Fine. It’s time to do my curls, anyway.
[ Spider picks up a single-pound weight and proceeds to do his curls. After a couple of curls, he breaks into tears. ]
Andrew: What’s wrong?
Spider: [ crying ] Nothing.
Andrew: You okay?
Spider: [ crying ] It’s just.. when we first hooked up —
Andrew: We did not hook up!
Spider: — it was all physical for me. I mean, at the beginning, it was just two men satisfying our natural urges —
Andrew: Nothing happened!!
Spider: — But, somewhere along the line, I fell in love! I knew I shouldn’t. Stu-pid! I can’t help it now. I love you, Andrew.. I love you. [ rises ]
Andrew: Don’t even get up. No! Hey! If you come over here, I’m gonna kick your ass!
Spider: Ooh, speaking of ass – are you reconsidering? [ reaches for his zipper as he turns around ]
Andrew: NO!!
Spider: Ain’t no win.
[ Male Cop opens the cell door ]
Male Cop:
Spider: Nobody here by that name!
Male Cop: I’m sorry. I meant “Spider.”
Spider: Here!
Male Cop: You’re free to go.
Spider: [ purses his lips ] Ohhh. That’s right, Boss-Man.. ain’t no big house can keep me in there.
Male Cop: Actually, your mom put up the $30 bail.
Spider: [ a beat ] That was sweet of her.
Andrew: Well.. thank God that’s over with.
[ Andrew grabs Spider’s magazine to read, as the scene fades ]
Announcer: From the makers of “Blind Justice”, comes a new drama. About overcoming the odds, and living your dream.
Deaf Judge: I graduated at the top of my class at Harvard Law. I was the youngest circuit judge in the history of New York State. Are you telling me that I can’t be a judge anymore, just because I lost my hearing?
Doctor: [ solemnly ] I’m afraid so.
Deaf Judge: What?
Doctor: [ louder ] I’m afraid so!
Deaf Judge: Yeah, I can’t hear you!
[ freeze-frame with title ]
Announcer: “Deaf Judge.” Just because he’s deaf, doesn’t mean he’s not listening.
[ dissolve to courtroom scene, Prosecution and Defense standing before the Judge’s bench ]
Defense: Objection, Your Honor. He is badgering the witness.
Deaf Judge: What?
Defense: Objection.
Deaf Judge: Hey! I’m deaf. I can’t hear you.
Prosecution: Shouldn’t you learn to read lips?
Deaf Judge: [ looks at Prosecution curiously ] Read “mips”? That doesn’t make any sense.
[ show still shots from “Blind Justice” and “Deaf Judge” ]
Announcer: Also coming this Fall, from the makers of “Blind Justice” and “Deaf Judge”, comes television’s most gripping new drama.
[ dissolve to Idiot Doctor, dressed in scrubs with his tongue hanging out ]
Announcer: A massive head injury left him with the faculties of a four-year old child. The “Idiot Doctor.”
[ freeze frame, with title ]
[ dissolve to a scene: Idiot Doctor wearing a Goofy hat while performing surgery ]
Idiot Doctor: Scalpel.
[ a scalpel is handed to him; he glances at it ]
Idiot Doctor: Ice cream.
[ an ice cream cone is held before him; he takes a bite from it ]
Idiot Doctor: Motorboat.
[ life alert beeps; the patient has died ]
Idiot Doctor: [ distraught ] Mo-tor-boat!!
Announcer: They used to call him Stupid. Now, they call him Doctor Stupid. This Fall, on ABC!
Spokesman…..David Spade Tan or Grime Guys…..Will Forte, Rob Riggle, Seth Meyers Spook Peterson…..Fred Armisen Yvonne Shirley…..Tina Fey Bong Girl…..Rachel Dratch Randy Doneen…..Horatio Sanz Skeeter…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on Spokesman standing in front of the Bakken-Camacho Convention Center ]
Spokesman: what’s crappenin’? It’s time, once again, for the annual Dirtball and Burnout Convention, this Friday and Saturday and Sunday night at the Bakken-Camacho Convention Center. If you are a dirtball, a burnout, or just someone interested in the burnout lifestyle, then this show is for you.
[ Dirtball and Burnout Convention logo zooms across the screen ]
It’s all here, man: “Back Off” mud flaps featuring Yosemite Sam hisself. [ holds one up ] We gots ’em. And Levi jackets with the fake sheepskin inside? [ holds one up ] Check mark. Beer cozies from around the country and/or world? [ holds one up ] You came to the right place. How about a little of that Lowenbrau keg? Top me off. That’s right. And you won’t want to miss the “Is That a Tan or Just Grime?” contest.
[ cut to three burnout dudes standing in line with their tan/grime lines exposed ]
Sometimes you can’t tell – at least, the chicks I date. That’s the fun. Pick up your free M-80’s for the kids. [ holds up a bowlful of fireworks ] And see a special appearance by Spook Peterson, the first beer league softball player ever to wear his cut-off jean shorts so short that his inner front pocket hangs out the front, just barely concealing his nuggets.
[ cut to Spook Peterson, wearing his short cut-off jean shorts ]
Spook Peterson: I’ll be there! [ lifts up his leg, revealing pixellated nuggets ]
[ cut back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Yikes! Visit the “Shoot Shotgun Pellets to a Road Sign” booth. [ holds up a Stop sign covered with holes ] That one’s fun for the entire family. And try your luck at out-ashing the world’s long-ash champion, Yvonne Shirley.
[ cut to Yvonne, holding a cigarette made almost entirely out of the ash ]
Yvonne Shirley: Bring it on, suckers.
[ cut back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: I won’t take that bet. She’s good. And If you’re tweaking out on meth, that’s no prob – just visit the tweak hut. So you can go like this.. [ bounces around sporadically ] ..just like those guys who look like Bugs Bunny hanging out in front of El Pollo Loco on Crescent Heights. And you won’t want to miss the homemade bong gallery.
[ cut to the Bong Girl, surrounded by an assortment of bongs ]
Bong Girl: I made this one myself, out of an STP oil treatment can, a squirrel’s elbow bone, and a pack of Trident Ice I chewed myself.
[ cut back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Right arm! [ flexes his right arm ] Plus, you won’t want to miss a special performance by Kid Rock.. ‘s former roadie applicant-turned-tambourine player, Randy Doneen.
[ cut to Randy, wailing away on his tambourine ]
[ cut back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Get down on it, Randy. Pet untrained, dangerous dogs on various subpar leashes. And say Hi to four-time arrestee from TV’s “COPS,” Skeeter.
[ cut to Skeeter ]
Skeeter: What’s up, sons of bitches? I’m gonna teach your kids how to open a beer with a Bic lighter. [ makes two unsuccessful attempts to do so, before ad-libbing: ] Some other time.
[ cut back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: That’s a good one to have on a resume, for sure. It’s all crappenin’ at the Dirtball/Burnout Convention. Be there!
[ all of the dirtballs and burnouts seen in the previews surround the spokesman ]
All: We will!!
Spokesman: Seriously, who farted?
[ cut to Dirtball and Burnout Convention logo ]
Announcer: Dirtball and Burnout Convention, this Friday, Saturday and Sunday, at the Bakken-Camacho Convention Center, just off Route 9, right next to that place where they put the dogs to sleep.
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