[Opens with a terrible early 80’s video production. A guy with a bad perm of curly red hair is sitting in his apartment playing a Casio synthesizer. He plays a sorry, lame electronic beat]
Caption: Clementine Daiquiri Girl Songs to Funk To Broadway Video Records
Clementine: [sings horribly] Daiquiri Girl, you’re my entire world…Daiquiri Groove, gonna make you move….
[All throughout the video Clementine and the Daiquiri girl with long curly red hair dance pathetically around the apartment holding Margarita glasses with red daiquiri in them, they toast. She occasionally blows kisses to the camera. Special effects are color faded split screens, weird angles and close-ups. Sometimes animated daiquiris appear, one in each corner of the screen]
Clementine: [sings] Daiquiri Girl, you’re made out of daiquiri, when I first met you you were not a daiquiri, then you went and had a scientific discovery….one part rum, two parts ice, three parts love, you are so nice…
[Caption words scroll up the screen]
Caption: We at Digital Shorts would like to apologize for this video. We pride ourselves on making quality work and recognize that this one’s just not up to par. In our defense we had a whole other video lined up with a famous musical act, but they bailed at the last minute. So we did what anyone would do in that situation. We got drunk.
Clementine: [sings] Daiquiri Girl, you are freaky, Daiquiri Dreams and I love you-u-u-u….
Caption: You know what though? Have you been watching this? It actually might be pretty good.
Clementine: [sings] I love you so much, drib, di, di, di, di, di, di-i–i-i-i-i, bleeop!
Caption: Nope. Still terrible.
Caption: But, you know what’s cool about working for SNL? The top brass here really “get it”. They don’t care if you fail, as long as you gave it your best effort. They certainly wouldn’t fire you for something that’s not your fault. Like if the stars of your video never showed up even though you had a verbal agreement, Gnarls Barkley. Once again, our deepest apologies. Please, enjoy the rest of “Daiquiri Girl”.
Clementine: [sings with arms up in the air] Daiquiri Girl, Daiquiri Girl, Daiquiri Girl, Daiquiri Girl, oh,oh,oh,oh, o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh!
Caption: Clementine Daiquiri Girl Songs to Funk To Broadway Video Records
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis Will…..Will Forte Bruce…..Kenan Thompson Andy…..Andy Samberg Emcee…..Ashton Kutcher Dusty Velvet…..Casey Wilson
[ open on exterior, Rusty Pony Exotic Lounge ]
[ dissolve to interior, lounge, as a group of four men sit at tow tables closest to the stage ]
Jason: [ into his cell phone ] Yeah, yeah, honey — no, no — the meeting went GREAT! Yeah, we’re just, uh — we’re just grabbing a bite at TGIFriday’s. Yeah. Yeah. Then, straight to bed. Okay, good night. [ hangs up his cell phone, drops it on the table, then turns to his buddies ] Alright, let’s do it up!
[ the buddies get excited ]
Andy: Hey, Bruce, how did you find this place?
Bruce: That weird bellman outside the motel told me about it.
Andy: [ frowns ] That guy’s not a bellman — that’s a homeless dude.
Bruce: Well… no cover, though. Right, guys?
[ the buddies relunctantly agree with Bruce’s theory, as a Waitress approaches with a trayful of shots ]
Waitress: Four shots of Jaeger?
Buddies: [ grabbing their shots ] Alright… yeah… whoo-hoo-oo!!
[ they toast their shots, as the house lights go up and the Emcee takes the stage ]
Emcee: Alright, alright, alri-i-i-i-i-i-ighhhhht!! Welcome to the Rusty Pony, where it’s nothin’ but horseplay! I am your host, Donnie LaMorris, how’s everybody doin’ tonight, huh? [ looks at the buddies ] Gentlemen?
[ the buddies whoop and hollar with excitement ]
Emcee: That’s good, ‘cuz we’ve got such a SWEET piece of cabbage comin’ out here in just a sec — someone so sensational, so erotic, Strip Club magazine gave her four poles! Put your hands together for Miss… Dusty… Velvet!
[ the crowd cheers as the curtains reveal Dusty Velvet sitting at the back of the stage ]
Dusty Velvet: Thank you, thank you!
[ the Emcee stands behind Dusty ]
Dusty Velvet: Before I begin, I just want to thank Donnie for all his love and support these last few months. Y’all, the rumors are tru-u-ue — I was involved in a freak Tilt-a-Whirl accident, rendering me completely paralyzed from the neck down. But that will NOT paralyze my spirit.
[ cut to a close-up of the buddies at the table below, nonplussed by this announcement ]
Bruce: Did she say “paralyzed”?
Dusty Velvet: I will not let that recent accident define me! I will continue to do what I do best, which is dance erotically. Now, Donnie’s gonna give me a hand up here, but, y’all, you won’t even notice him! Okay? [ she sticks out her tongue and moans for the Emcee to remove her gum; he obliges and throws it away ] Here we go!
[ Irene Cara’s “Flashdance… What A Feeling” begins to play ]
[ the Emcee slowly lifts Dusty’s head, then proceeds to rotate it counter-clockwise as Dusty moans and spastically wags her tongue ]
Dusty Velvet: Sens-u-al!
[ the Emcee lifts Dusty’s arms one at a time, catching her gloved finger in her mouth ]
Dusty Velvet: Uh-oh!
[ the Emcee attempts to separate the glove from Dusty’s mouth, even pushing her head back to allow extra pull. When this fails, he quickly rolls her glove off her arm and lets it dangle from her mouth. ]
Dusty Velvet: Yeah! Yeah! Oh, yeah!
[ the Emcee grabs Dusty’s head in his hands and begins to thrust in back and forth ]
Dusty Velvet: Yeah! Here we go, now we’re gettin’ started!
[ Dusty’s dangling glove flies out of her mouth ]
[ cut to the buddies at the table below, who are all horrified at this sight ]
[ the Emcee lifts Dusty and drags her limp body across the stage in as erotic a manner as he can muster ]
Dusty Velvet: Oohh..! Ooh..! Whoa..! Whoa..! Ooh, you like this..! Uh-oh..!
[ the Emcee lurches Dusty forward and dangles her arms at a frantic pace ]
Dusty Velvet: Ohhh… ohhh… uh-oh..!
[ the Emcee Dusty back up, places each of her hands over each of her breasts, then proceeds to make her paw herself frantically ]
Dusty Velvet: This is sex-u-al and e-rot-ic! [ to the buddies ] Y’all want to be together..?
[ the Emcee bends Dusty to her side and makes her spank herself with a frantic motion ]
Dusty Velvet: Uh-oh..! Uh-oh..!
[ Dusty’s tongue begins to flicker spastically ]
[ the Emcee holds her up straight ]
Dusty Velvet: I’m goin’ to the POLE, y’all! I’m goin’ to the pole!
[ the Emcee holds Dusty upright and twists her around the pole as her tongue flickers at it ]
Dusty Velvet: Ooh..! Uh-oh..! Uh-oh..!
[ the Emcee slides Dusty up and down along the pole, then sits her down upon the stage ]
Emcee: You ready, fellas? Here comes the good stuff.
Dusty Velvet: I’m gonna take it all off!
[ the Emcee tears the buttons off her workshirt, revealing part of her studded lingerie underneath ]
Dusty Velvet: Ohhh!
[ the buddies continue to be stunned at this sight ]
[ onstage, the Emcee struggles to pull Dusty’s workshirt completely off ]
Emcee: Babe, what, did you gain some weight here, or something?
Dusty Velvet: Leave it! Just leave it! Leave it!
Emcee: Alright, alright, alright!!
Dusty Velvet: Keep it going!
[ the Emcee struggles to lift Dusty off the floor ]
Dusty Velvet: Here I co-o-ome, boys! Y’all want a little piece of Dusty?
[ the Emcee lifts dusty up and holds her out like a battering ram ]
[ the buddies shake theirs head no as Dusty is brought towards them ]
[ the Emcee shoves Dusty into Andy’s face, as he screams in horror at Dusty’s struggle to lick her tongue across his cheek ]
[ the Emcee then drops Dusty into Bruce’s lap and begins to bounce her up and down for his lap dance; Bruce also screams in horror ]
Bruce: Don’t! Don’t! Don’t! Don’t!
[ finally, the Emcee stops bouncing Dusty on Bruce’s knee and just leaves her seated there as he returns to the stage ]
Emcee: Oh! That was a freakin’ workout! [ he catches his breath ] That was a smokin’ HOT babe! Dusty Velvet, everyone!
[ Andy cowers in fear as Dusty lays drooping across Bruce’s lap ]
Dusty Velvet: Hey! Hey, big fella! Could you raise up my arm and put my hand in a fist, honey?
It’s A MatchSummary: In an amalgam of the crazy atmosphere of the 70’s-era “Match Game”, a hard-boiled detective (Bill Hader) questions celebrity panelists when the emcee turns up dead in his dressing room; they answer via blue cards and “Think” music.
The Suze Orman ShowSummary: Financial expert Suze Orman (Kristen Wiig) advises viewers like Josiah from Miami (Shia LeBeouf) what they can do with their tax refund checks, then gives special money-saving tips for the ladies.
My Morning Jacket performs “I’m Amazed”Bio: Rock band; members: Jim James, “Two-Tone” Tommy, Patrick Hallahan, Bo Koster, Carl Broemel.
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Liberty City residents Vlad (Bill Hader) and Niko (Fred Armisen) take offense to the way their community is portrayed in “Grand Theft Auto IV”. The humor stylings of Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson)
He Likes YouSummary: A pair of attractive girls (Kristen Wiig, Amy Poehler) gain the attention of six lovestruck men (Andy Samberg, Shia LeBeouf, Kenan Thompson, Fred Armisen, Will Forte, Bill Hader) in a restaurant, and wonder what they might be thinking.
A Message from the Next President of the United States
Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
[ open on “Next President of the United States” seal ]
Announcer: The following is a message from the next president of the United States — Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton.
[ dissolve to Clinton seated in a chair next to a lamp and endtable ]
Hillary Clinton: [ smiling ] Good evening, my fellow Americans. As we all know, this has already been a long, hard-fought campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination. But, tonight, with my recent victory in Indiana — [ quietly ] and Sen. Obama’s in North Carolina — we remain exactly where we were four months ago: hopelessly deadlocked! Therefore, this nomination is going to be decided — as it should be — by the superdelegates. Based, onot on primary results… or [ makes quotes-signs with fingers ] “caucuses”… or delegate counts… or popular vote. But on their sober assessment of which candidate will be the strongest against Sen. McCain in November. Tonight, I am here to tell you why I… am that candidate.
First: I am a sore loser. [ the words flash across the screen ] If, and when, I am the nominee, I know, as do the superdelegates, that Sen. Obama will work his heart out for my election. If, on the other hand, Sen. Obama is chosen, I will probably refuse to campaign for him! Or, if I do so, it will be in a resentful, half-hearted way, thus ensuring his defeat — so that I can run again in 2012. You see, unlike my opponent, I am just not going to lose gracefully. It’s not a criticism of Sen. Obama… it’s just a fact!
Second: my supporters are racist! [ the words flash across the screen ] If, and when, I am the nominee… Sen. Obama’s African-American supporters will be disappointed, perhaps, but they will still rally to me. If, however, Sen. Obama is the nominee, my supporters will refuse to vote for him. Partly because I will secretly tell them not to, but, mainly, because they are recially biased… and would NEVER vote for any African-American candidate. I’m not bragging, that’s just the way it is!
Now, to those of who that worry, if my opponent is denied the nomination, that African-Americans might simply stay home, I remind you: a. until Sen. Obama shockingly, and, might I add, rudlely and selfishly, won the Iowa caucuses, most African-Americans supported me; b. my husband was the first Black president; and, c. in the days ahead, we expect to receive the endorsement of America’s pre-eminent African-American leader, Rev. Jeremiah Wright. [ show file photo ]
Which brings me to my third and final argument: unlike Sen. Obama, I have no ethical standards. [ the words flash across the screen ] Even my critics would agree that once I get the nomination I will stop at nothing, absolutely nothing, to win. Whereas, with Sen. Obama, there are some things he simply will not do. Take, for example, the race card, which he has been relunctant to play. As in, “Anyone who doesn’t vote for me, is a racist.” I, on the other hand, will be happy to play the gender card… and claim that anyone who doesn’t vote for me, is a sexist! In fact, once Sen. Obama is out of the picture, I look forward to playing the race card myself! As in, “Anyone who doesn’t vote for me, is both a sexist and a racist!” Now, to those of you who say, “She’ll never do that, it doesn’t even make sense.” I answer, “If you believe that, then you don’t know me!”
So, there you have it: sore loser, racist supporters, no ethical standards. Qualities Sen. Obama simply cannot match! That’s not an attack on my opponent, it’s just the truth. When you consider that, the choice is obvious.
Thank you, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Shia Labeouf: I want to say thanks to My Morning Jacket, who kicked ass! [ he claps for them ] I want to say thanks to the cast and crew of “SNL”, it’s the BEST crew on television! I want to say Hi to all of our mothers — it’s Mother’s Day — Hi, Mom! Mom, I love you! [ he claps for her ] Happy Mother’s Day!
[ one of the members of My Morning Jacket holds up a “HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY” sign ]
Thank you all for watching! Good night!
[ Fred Armisen holds a “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KENAN!!!” sign over Kenan Thompson’s head ]
[Opens with the outside of Abboccato’s restaurant. Cut to inside of it. Two attractive young women share a table.]
Stacey: Oh, I’m just so glad to be out of that meeting.
Emily: You know, I thought Gladys would never stop talking.
Stacey: Totally. Uh-oh[looking behind Emily]
Stacey: Don’t look now but I think you have an admirer.
Emily: What? Where?
Stacey: Shh! Don’t look. I’ll tell you when its safe. Oh, yeah. He likes you. Ok, look now.
[Admirer 1 is a guy in a suit has a desperate frozen smile on his face]
Stacey: Someone’s got a crush.
Emily: Oh, my God! He’s looking at me.
Stacey: He’s cute, right?
[Again we look at Admirer 1, frozen, desperate smile across his face]
Stacey: I like his smile.
Emily: I like how he looks happy but also kind of scared.
Stacey: Totally. God, he’s so my type. You’re so lucky, Emily.
Emily: Oh, Stacey. Don’t look up.
Emily: The new guy scoping you out.
Stacey: Oh, my God. Where?
Emily: Oh, he is so hot and he’s staring straight at you. He’s at the same table. Don’t look until I tell you. Ok, look.
[Admirer 2 is a guy in a suit with a loose tie wearing a goofy looking frozen smile]
Emily: Looks like I’m not the only one who might have a love connection.
Stacey: Wow, he’s hot!
Emily: Oh, I know. He’s smokin’ hot.
Stacey: What is going on with all these hunks?
Emily: I know. Did we stumble on a hunk convention or what?
[A waitress brings some drinks]
Waitress: Excuse me, ladies. I have 2 glasses of champagne for you.
Stacey: Oh, we didn’t order this.
Emily: Oh, they are compliments of the gentlemen.
Emily: Oh, which one?
Waitress: Uh, all of them.
[A table has Admirer 3 wearing a cringing smile, Admirer 4 is a black guy with a tight lipped smile, Admirer 5 has a depressing smile and Admirer 6 has a horrible, frozen, open mouthed smile. Admirer 6 raises his glass slowly.]
Emily: Oh, my gosh! Its like an Abercrombie catalog in here.
Stacey: I know. Talk about free sample day at the butcher shop.
Waitress: Well, you ladies are very beautiful and very, very lucky.[emotional] Enjoy your drinks.
Stacey: Oh, that’s sweet. You heard her, fellow lucky girl. We got our pick of the litter. Who’s it going to be?
[Cut to Admirer 1, then to Admirer 2, then to table with Admirer 3, 4, 5 ,6.]
Emily: Oh, God. Its so hard, you know. I mean, they’re clearly beef cake supremes. I wonder what’s on their minds?
Stacey: I know, I wish we could just hear what they’re thinking right now.
Admirer 1: [hums in his mind] Doy da doy doy doy doy doy doy doy do doy do doy! Doy da doy doy doy doy doy doy doy!!!!
Admirer 2: [hums in his mind] Doy da doy doy doy doy doy doy doy doy doy do doy!
Admirer 1 and 2: [humming in their minds] Doy da,doy doy, doy doy doy doy doy doy doy doy doy! Doy da doy doy doy doy doy doy do do do doy!
Admirer 3, 4, 5, 6: [humming in their minds from the their table] Doy do do doy doy doy doy doy doy do do do doy doy! Doy do doy doy doy doy do do do doy!!!
MacGruber…..Will Forte Vicky…..Kristen Wiig Merrill…..Shia LaBeouf
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers: MacGruber! He sent Merrill to a camp, where they turned him back to normal! MacGruber! Merrill harbors no bad feelings, ’cause he knows he did a bad thing! MacGruber! He’s batting for the right team now!
[CUT to Merrill staring at a long-haired dude’s ass, as MacGruber steps forwrd and they pose against footage of flames.]
[CUT to a rebel training camp tower. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Rebel Training Camp.” CUT to a sign marked “Rebel Training Camp Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Vicky: [struggling with locked door] The door won’t budge, MacGruber! And, by the looks of this chemical bomb, we’ve got exactly TWENTY seconds!
MacGruber: Okay, calm down! If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last two months, it’s that you can do — [ glances at Merrill ] or undo — anything, if you set your mind to it!
Merrill: [ muttering to himself ] Freakin’ dick..
MacGruber: [ defensive ] What’s that, Merrill?
Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!
MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! [ pointing ] Hand me that thumbtack!
Vicky: You got it, Macgruber!
MacGruber: Merrill! Leviticus 18:22!
Merrill: “Thou shal not lie with mankind, as with womankind.”
MacGruber: Vicky! Hand me that shoelace!
Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Merrill! What’s your favorite thing about a woman?
Merrill: [ half-heartedly ] The vagina, MacGruber…
MacGruber: Don’t forget the breasts. Vicky! Hand me that copper filament!
Merrill: [sighs] Screw this.
MacGruber: Look, where do you think you’re going?
Merrill: Well, you’re not letting me do anything anyways, MacGruber.
MacGruber: [grabbing at Merrill’s bag] Hold on there, mister!
[ Merrill’s bag falls to the floor, as something begins to rattle along the floor ]
[ Vicky turns away at the sight, as Merrill whistles nonchalantly ]
[ MacGruber watches as a pixellated dildo rotating counter-clockwise around the floor ]
[ MacGruber holds a look of shock on his face ]
[CUT to the training camp exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
Pam Sumpter…..Amy Poehler Steven Nielsen Perry…..Fred Armisen Sarah Annette Boob…..Casey Wilson Nancy Nan George…..Kristen Wiig Chipsey Boday…..Kenan Thompson Dirk Densten…..Shia LeBeouf Detective…..Bill Hader
[ open on bouncy “Match Game” style music and graphics ]
Announcer: Get ready to match the staaaaars!
[ show Pam Sumpter (a Brett Somers spoof) inside graphics ]
[ show Steven Nielsen Perry (a Paul Lynde/Charles Nelson Reilly spoof) playing with his ascot inside graphics ]
…Steven Nielsen Perry!
[ show Sarah Annette Boob (a Debralee Scott spoof) covering her eye playfully inside graphics ]
…Sarah Annette Boob!
[ show Nancy Nan George (a Marcia Wallace spoof) choking on mouth spray inside graphics ]
…Nancy Nan George!
[ show Chipsey Boday a Nipsey Russell spoof) patting his afro inside graphics ]
[ show Dirk Densten (a Doug Henning spoof) magically making a bouquet of flowers appear inside graphics ]
…and, Master of Illusion, Dirk Densten!
[ show title graphics over set ]
…as we play the star-studded, big-money game: It’s A Match!
And now, here’s your host: Guy Lang!
[ the set door rises, but no emcee appears ]
Announcer: And now, here’s your host: Guy Lang!
[ no emcee appears, but a woman’s voice can be heard backstage as the celebrity panelists grimace ]
Woman’s Voice: Oh, nooooo!! Oh, my God! Aaaggggghhhhh!!!
[ a trenchcoat detective with an early 1970’s Gene Rayburn-style haircut enters the set from the emcee door ]
Detective: Sorry to interrupt the show. Detective Rob Perkins, from the Burbank Police Department. It appears that Guy Lang has been murdered in his dressing room.
[ Sarah Annette gasps, as Pat and Steven chuckle amongst themselves ]
Dirk Densten: Oh, my word! Life is full of surprises! [ he grabs three magic rings and makes an unsuccessful attempt to link them together ] Thank you…
Detective: Sir, please — Guy Lang is DEAD!
Pat Sumnter: Not as dead as Steven’s pool party last night! [ she sips her booze while laughing, then holds up two cards with horns drawn up to her ears ]
Steven Neilsen Perry: [ shaking with nervous laughter through clenched teeth ] The only thing dead ay MY party was the salisbury stea-ea-ea-eakkk!
[ Pat claps her hands and smacks Steven across the back ]
Detective: All kidding aside, a man’s been murdered here. I’m afraid I can’t let any of you go until you’ve answered a couple of questions. What were each of you doing at 2:30 this afternoon?
[ the celebrity panelists stare blankly at the detective ]
[ suddenly, the “Think” music pots up, and the celebrity panelists quickly scribble their responses onto the blue cards ]
Detective: [ he shrugs at this reaction ] Uh… Pam?
Pat Sumnter: I do it everyday at 2:30, whether I’m with someone or not. It’s “Making Whoopie”!
[ bell dings ]
Steven Nielsen Perry: I also said “Making Whoopee” with my very desirable wi-i-i-i-ife!
[ bell dings ]
Sarah Annette Boob: I was eating pound cake, and crying on my waterbed!
[ buzzer sounds ]
Nancy Nan George: I said “Making Whoopie in the Kitchen”, Rob — but, like everything I make in the kitchen, I ruined it. [ she tosses her card away ]
[ bell dings ]
Chipsey Boday: “Makin’ Whoopie” is what I wanted to write / Because that’s what I was doin’ all night. But my wife’s out of town / And I knew she would frown / So I wrote: “Getting My Hair Done.”
[ buzzer sounds ]
Dirk Densten: I seem to have lost my cards. Would you mind checking your inside coat pocket?
Detective: [ he relunctantly checks inaside his coat and pulls out Doug’s card ] Okay, “Making Whoopie”. Alright. [ Doug waves ] Very good. Alright. I need to remind everyoe that this is a murder investigation. I need answers! Where was the last place you saw Mr. Lang?
[ the celebrity panelists stare blankly at the detective once again ]
[ suddenly, the “Think” music pots up, and the celebrity panelists again quickly scribble their responses onto the blue cards ]
Detective: [ he shrugs again ] Pam.
Pam Sumpter: I said “In Steven’s Bedroom”.
[ bell dings ]
Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] Hey-ey-ey-ey!
Detective: Nancy Nan?
Nancy Nan George: I thought I saw him at a whore house, but then I realzied it was “Steven’s Boudior”.