Category: 2008

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 20

08t: Zac Efron / Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Since You Went Away

Emily…..Casey Wilson
Francis…..Zac Efron
Conductor…..Will Forte
Mother…..Bobby Moynihan
Soldier…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on interior, train station ]

[ SUPER: “Connecticut, 1917” ]

[ dissolve to train exterior, Emily holding her soldier boyfriend’s hand through the window before he departs ]

Emily: I can’t believe we met just two weeks ago, and now you’re going off to the front!

Francis: Don’t worry — I’ll be back before you can say “Coca-Cola.”

Emily: Okay! But promise me you’ll watch out for the Germans.

Francis: Oh, don’t worry about me; worry about the kaiser – he’s not going to know what hit him, babe.

Conductor: All abooooooaaaarrdd!!

[ train horn toots ]

Emily: Oh!

Francis: Okay, Emily — goodbye!

[ the train begins to pull away, with Emily still clutching Francis’ hand and walking briskly beside the moving train ]

Emily: I don’t want you to leave!

Francis: Oh, don’t cry, my love! I love you!

Emily: I love you, too, Francis!

Francis: Goodbye, my darling!

Emily: Goodbye!

[ she lets go of his hand and falls back out of frame ]

Francis: Goodbye!

Emily: Goodbye!

[ Francis stares inward as the train picks up speed ]

[ suddenly, Emily appears running beside the train, holding out a handkerchief ]

Emily: Wait!

Francis: Emily?

Emily: I just wanted to give you my handkerchief, so you’ll never forget me!

Francis: Oh, thank you, darling! [ he takes the handkerchief ]

Emily: You’re welcome!

Francis: Goodbye!

Emily: Goodbye!

[ Emily again falls back out of frame as the train speeds up ]

[ Francis clutches Emily’s handkerchief and holds her scent to his nose ]

[ suddenly, Emily appears running faster beside the train ]

Emily: Francis! Do you miss me yet?

Francis: [ startled ] Y-yeah! Wait… how are you running so fast?

Emily: What do you mean?

Francis: I’m on a speeding train.

Emily: Well… I’m alway chasing the sheep around the barn. Maybe that’s how!

Francis: Oh. Okay. But we said goodbye, so… maybe you should go back to the farm.

Emily: I’d run all the way to Germany for you! [ she catches her breath several times ]

Francis: Aren’t you getting tired?

Emily: No! [ she smiles ] Not as long as I’m looking at you!

Francis: Well… I think you need to go home!

Emily: But I don’t want to say goodbye!

[ Emily’s Mother runs up behind her ]

Mother: Emily! Emily! You forgot your bonnet! [ she hands it over ]

Emily: Oh, thanks!

Mother: I’m gonna run into town — I’ll see you later!

[ Emily’s Mother kisses her on the cheek, then runs up ahead of her. As she does so, the front of her apron flies up into her face. ]

[ Emily puts her bonnet in her pocket, as she continues to run after the train ]

Francis: Was that your mother?

Emily: Yes! [ smiles mischieviously ] I guess you got a preview of me in twenty-five years!

Francis: Okay, you NEED to go home now!

Emily: You ARE my home! Whoo! [ she hops into the air ] Big old log!

Francis: Emily! You’re freaking me out a little bit!

Emily: I know! I have so much energy, and I only had a small breakfast! [ she huffs and puffs ]

Francis: What did you eat?

Emily: [ proudly ] Eighteen eggs an a gallon of buttermilk! [ she huffs and puffs ] But all this running is making me hungry!

[ the Soldier in the next window peeks at Emily from the next window ]

Soldier: [ to Francis ] Hey! Who’s that little ady running next to the train?

Emily: I’m the love of his life!

Francis: No, you’re not! We’re breaking up!

Emily: Why?

Francis: Because… I’m going to war, and… you’re really weird.

Emily: Fine! But you’re making a big mistake, Francis! I may not be your typical girly-girl… but, one day, you’re gonna wake up and —

[ Emily falls out of frame with a splash ]

Francis: Oh, my God! She fell in that creek!

Soldier: Uh — no! No, no — hang on!

[ Emily runs back into frame, clutching a fish ]

Emily: I’m back! And I caught a fish!

Francis: Uh — don’t eat it!

Emily: I want to! For energy! [ Francis is stunned ] Did you miss me?

Francis: [ stunning himself now ] You know… strangely… I did.

Emily: [ excited ] Does that mean we’re engaged!

Francis: Uhhh…

Emily: YAYYY!!! I’m gonna go tell Momma!

[ Emily clamps the fish between her teeth, then runs out of frame; Francis remains stunned, unsure of what has he gotten himself into ]

Soldier: [ smiling as he smokes his cigarette ] You’re never gonna get away from that one!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:















Bit Players:

May 9th, 2009

Justin Timberlake

Ciara

None

Lorne Michaels

Patricia Clarkson

Susan Sarandon

Jessica Biel

Chris Pine

Zachary Quinto

Leonard Nimoy

Jimmy Fallon

None

A Special Address from the Secretary of the TreasurySummary: Timothy Geithner (Will Forte) outlines the results of a 50-question bank stress test.

Recurring Characters: Timothy Geithner.

Transcript

Montage

Justin Timberlake’s MonologueSummary: Justin Timberlake performs a song-and-dance routine amongst cast members and show personnel backstage.

First Hosted: 03b.

Transcript

Mom Celebrity TranslatorSummary: A handheld electronic device that allows young’uns to decipher what well-known celebrity their unhip mothers are trying to describe to them.

Transcript

Target GreatlandSummary: The Target Lady (Kristen Wiig) annoys customers while chatting with her equally-annoying friend Peg (Justin Timberlake).

Recurring Characters: Target Lady.

Transcript

ImmigrantsSummary: A group of Irish immigrants entering America dream of the opportunities their great-great grandchildren will have, except for Cornelius Timberlake (Justin Timberlake) who fancies that his great-great grandson will one day be a popular, self-satisfying, arrogant little prick.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortRecurring Characters: “Dick in a Box” bad boys (Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake) give up their boxes so they can become “Mother (Patricia Clarkson, Susan Sarandon) Lovers”.

Transcript

PlasticvilleSummary: A guy dressed as a barbell (Will Forte) faces competition from Plasticville’s boob mascot (Justin Timberlake).

Recurring Characters: Mascot.

Transcript

Ciara with Justin Timberlake performs “Love Sex Magic”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Elliot Spitzer (Bill Hader) and David Paterson (Fred Armisen). Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto promote the new “Star Trek” movie, with a nod from Leonard Nimoy.

Recurring Characters: Elliot Spitzer, David Paterson.

Transcript

The Barry Gibb Talk ShowSummary: Robin Gibb (Justin Timberlake) remains mum while Barry Gibb (Jimmy Fallon) issues insane threats to his political guests, just like last time.

Recurring Characters: Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb, Nancy Pelosi.

Transcript

PiratesSummary:

Ciara performs “Never Ever”

Goodnights

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21

08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

A Special Address from the Secretary of the Treasury

Timothy Geithner…..Will Forte

[ open on Department of Treasury Seal ]

Announcer: The following is a special address from the Secretary of the Treasury.

[ dissolve to Timothy Geithner, seated behind desk ]

Timothy Geithner: Good evening. I’m Timothy Geithner, the Secretary of the Treasury. Earlier this week, I reported to you the results of the so-called “stress tests” my department ran on the nation’s nineteen largest banks. This was an effort to determine each bank’s fiscal soundness, following last September’s $700 billion federal bailout. Tonight, I would like to reveal to you, the American people, the results of Part 2 of the Stress Test, the written exam, taken by all nineteen bank CEOS last Saturday.

[ reveal Stress Test cover page graphic ]

Initially, my department had planned to give each bank a numerical grade of 1 to 100 — 100 being a perfect score. But then we decided that might unfairly stigmatize banks who scored low on the test because they followed reckless lending practices or were otherwise not good at banking. So we changed to a simple “PASS/FAIL” system. However, on reflection, a few of us felt that THAT system was too rigid, so we changed it once again to “PASS/PASS*”. This seemed less judgmental and more inclusive. Eventually, at the banks’ suggestion, we dropped the asterisk and went with a “PASS/PASS” system. Tonight, I am proud to say that, after the written tests were examined, every one of the nineteen banks scored a “PASS”! Congratulations, banks!

But that’s no reason to just rest on our laurels. There’s always room for improvement. NONE of the bank answered all fifty questions correctly, and most got less than half right. One bank in particular — CitiGroup — seemed to think the whole thing was just a big joke.

[ reveal test sheet with repeated answers of “Geithner Sucks!” written on it ]

Shame on you, CitiGroup! And this is a serious matter. I was DEEPLY disappointed with CitiGroup’s attitude towards this entire project. And, frankly, if CitiGroup weren’t too big to fail, I would have failed them. That’s how DISGUSTED I was. But apart from CitiGroup — who are a bunch of smart ass punks — the other banks at least took the test seriously. And since we can all learn from our mistakes, I thought we’d take a moment to look at the most commonly missed questions:

[ reveal test sheets throughout ]

#11: “For every ten million in commercial loans outstanding, a bank should have…”

The answer were were looking for was “10% Cash On Hand.” J.P. Morgan Chase wrote: “Knicks Tickets.” Wells Fargo wrote: “Gulfstream Jet.” And CitiGroup, of course, wrote: “Geithner Sucks!” Grow up, CitiBank.

Question 23 also stumped several banks: “If Federal Bank Examiners determine your bank to be under-capitalized, the Bank’s Board of Directors should…”

Goldman Saks wrote: “Flee the Country.” State Street of Boston said: “Shred Documents.” And Capitol One said: “Eliminate Eyewitnesses.” Actually, none of these is correct. The correct answer is: “Issue Common Stock.”

Now, Question 30, which most banks got wrong, really has no one correct answer since it would vary with each bank. We asked: “In the event of a nationwide run on the banks, how much in total cash assets does your bank have on hand to pay depositors?…”

Bank of America wrote: “Not enough, that’s for sure!!!” CitiGroup said: “Geithner Sucks!” And GMAC answered: “TaxPayer Bailout.” As you’ll notice, that last answer doesn’t make sense, and that’s because GMAC apparently answered “TaxPayer Bailout” to every one of the fifty questions. Although, that did turn out to be the right answer to thirty of them.

Question 41 tripped up a few banks: “Given their historic underrepresentation in banking, women should be encouraged to enter the field, as long as they are…”

Obviously, we were looking for “Qualified.” Morgan Stanley wrote: “Doable.” Bank of New York Mellon said: “Immediate Family Members.” And CitiGroup wrote: “Hey Geithner, WE’VE got a job for your MOTHER!!” Now, I don’t know if they’re serious about that job or not, but I think my mother would be really pumped.

Finally, what was the most difficult question? Apparently, this one from the Multiple Choice section:

“Banking executives should be given special financial bonuses for…”
A) Good performance
B) Mediocre performance
C) Poor performance”

The correct answer is A. “Good Performance.” Surprisingly, A:: nineteen banks got this wrong. [ he shrugs ] Who knew?

Well, thank you for your kind attention. Together, we’ll get through this. And “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21

08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

The Barry Gibb Talk Show

Barry Gibb…..Jimmy Fallon
Robin Gibb…..Justin Timberlake
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig
Nouriel Roubini…..Fred Armisen
Roland S. Martin…..Kenan Thompson

[FADE IN: Barry and Robin Gibb dancing in white leisure suits, backs to the audience, in front of a talk show set as the opening notes of “Nights on Broadway” play.]

Announcer: It’s The Barry Gibb Talk Show!

[The logo appears briefly, and then the brothers turn around and sing, Barry strumming a white electric guitar.]

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Heeeeeere we are…”

Announcer: Tonight, Barry’s guests are:

Barry and Robin Gibb: “In a room full of straaaaaaangers…”

Announcer: Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Discussin’ politics…”

Announcer: CNN commentator Roland S. Martin!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “And the issues of the daaaaaaaa-ayyyyy…”

Announcer: NYU economics professor…

Barry and Robin Gibb: “And I want to taaaaaaaalk to you…”

Announcer: Nouriel Roubini!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Though you may not waaaaaaant me to…”

Announcer: And as always:

Barry and Robin Gibb: “I’m still gonna taaaaaaaalk to you…”

Announcer: Barry’s brother Robin!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “I don’t care what you saaaaaaaaaaaaay…”

[Barry slips off his guitar, and the brothers start disco dancing.]

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Sho-ow,
Talkin’ ’bout issues,
Talkin’ ’bout real important issues.
Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Sho-ow,
Checkin’ out politics,
In this crazy, crazy tow-ow-ow-own!
Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah…”

[The Gibbs boogie to their seats.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, your host: Barry Gibb!

[“Nights on Broadway” fades out as the audience cheers.]

Barry Gibb: [staccato voice] Goo’ e’ning, la’ies and gentlemen. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. It’s my show, and it’s a no-nonsense show. I will not take any crap from anybody. Let’s get down to business.This week, Fed chairman Benjamin Bernanke said that the (falsetto) U.S. ECONOMAH (normal voice) will pick up later this year. Robin, do you have any thoughts?

Robin Gibb: [disinterestedly] No, no I don’t.

Barry Gibb: Nancy Pelosi, do you agree with chairman Bernanke’s rosy assessment of our (falsetto) FINANCIAL FUT-AH?

Nancy Pelosi: I do, Barry, but it’s also important that we discover the causes of our current situation, and the first step is the formation of an impartial investigatory committee.

Barry Gibb: (as Robin bows his head in disappointment) A committee?! That’s your answer to the worst financial disaster since the Great Depression?! Are you out of your mother-loving, dope-smoking (falsetto) HIPPIE MI-I-IND?!

Nancy Pelosi: No, I-

Barry Gibb: (screaming) DON’T YOU DARE CONTRADICT ME ON MY SHOW! YOU HEAR ME BUG-EYES? (Barry leaps wildly out of his seat) I’M BARRY F-ING GIBB! (karate kicks the air to his right four times, then returns to his chair)

Barry and Robin Gibb: (singing and punctuating each word with a karate kick) HIII-YA! HIII-YA! (turn to each other) HI-YA!

Barry Gibb: Nouriel Roubini, you were one of the first people to predict this (falestto) CURRENT ECONOMIC CRISIS. (normal voice) I think that you’re a visionary genius.

Nouriel Roubini: Well, I don’t know about that.

Barry Gibb: Well, I do, and I think that you’re a genius.

Nouriel Roubini: Genius might be a little much.

Barry Gibb: Are you correcting me? On my own show?! You think I’m a child? Am I a baby with a pacifier in my mouth?

Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) GOO-GOO! GA-GA! GOO-GOO! WAA-WAA!

Barry Gibb: I have an opinion that’s IMPORTANT! I don’t know what passes for manners up in that faculty club with your framed degrees and (falsetto) LEATHER ELBOW PATCHES!

Nouriel Roubini: No, no, I didn’t mean to say

Barry Gibb: (screaming) I GOT A DEGREE FROM THE STREETS OF MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA! SO HELP ME GOD I HAVE A BUCKKNIFE IN MY SHOE I WILL SPLIT YOU OPEN LIKE A SOFT-SHELL CRAB AND WEAR YOUR CARCASS LIKE A RAINCOAT!

Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) WEAR YOUR CARCASS LIKE A RAINCOAT!

Barry Gibb: Robin, do you have anything to add?

Robin Gibb: No, no I don’t.

Barry Gibb: Robin, please, just say something.

Robin Gibb: No.

Barry Gibb: Anything.

Robin Gibb: No.

Barry Gibb: Pretend no one’s here, no one’s watching.

Robin Gibb: No.

Barry Gibb: Robin, talk to your brother.

Robin Gibb: No.

Barry Gibb: (gets on his knees in the chair to be closer to Robin) Talk to Barry. (starts singing)
Ple-e-e-ease talk to your brother
And say what you want to say.

(Timberlake bows his head in an attempt to hide his laughter as the audience cheers)

Barry Gibb: Let’s introduce the next guest’s name.

Robin Gibb: Fine.

Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) Ro-o-oland S. Martin…CNN political consultant.

Roland S. Martin: Well, thank you, Barry and Robin. I want to say this is my favorite political forum on television, that is, of course, next to the program I am currently hosting, CNN’s “No Bias, No Bull.”

Barry Gibb: (exasperated) Did-did you just plug your show?

Robin Gibb: Don’t.

Barry Gibb: On MY show?

Robin Gibb: Don’t.

Barry Gibb: Robin, did he just plug his show?! On my-WHAT DOES THIS LOOK LIKE, AN INFOMERCIAL? WHAT AM I, THE (falsetto) SHAMWOW GUY? (normal screaming voice) DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM, PALLY?! (rises from chair) I SANG A DUET WITH BARBRA STREISAND! DO YOU KNOW THAT I AM AUSTRALIAN! MY MIDDLE NAME IS CROMPTON! I AM BARRY GIBB! I WILL RIP OUT YOUR INNARDS AND DOUBLE DUTCH JUMP ROPE WITH THEM! (starts singing and clapping rhythmically) DOUBLE DUTCH JUMP ROPE WITH YOUR INNARDS…

(audience begins clapping along)

Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) DOUBLE DUTCH JUMP ROPE WITH YOUR INNARDS…

(The Gibbs continue singing that phrase as they get up from their seats and pretend to double dutch jump rope in front of the table on set, with Robin then Barry leaping through the imaginary jump ropes. Finally, after singing “Double Dutch…” five more times, the brothers close with…)

Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) DOUBLE DUTCH!
DOUBLE DUTCH!
DOUBLE DUTCH!
DOUBLE DUTCH!

(The brothers return to their seats to wild cheers and applause. Barry demonstrates a karate block while seated.)

Barry Gibb: That’s all the time we have. [sings] “We… have… been–”

Barry and Robin Gibb: [harmonizing to the tune of “Nights on Broadway,” slightly before the beat]
Talkin’ it up,

[Timberlake and Fallon realize their mistake and quickly get back in sync with the background music]

On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Shoo-ow,
Talkin’ ’bout chest hair

[audience member “woo!”s]

Talkin’ ’bout crazy cool medallions!
Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Shoo-ow,
Checkin’ out politics,
In this crazy, crazy tow-ow-own!
Oh, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…

[the brothers continue mugging for the camera to thunderous cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Mario Juan

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21

08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

Immigrants

Immigrant #1…..Bobby Moynihan
Immigrant #2…..Casey Wilson
Immigrant #3…..Will Forte
Immigrant #4…..Bill Hader
Cornelius Timberlake…..Justin Timberlake
Moyshe Samberg…..Andy Samberg

[ Open on black and white footage of a boat sailing next to Ellis Island words at bottom of screen read “New York Harbor, 1883” ]

Immigrant #1: [with Irish accent] Oh look, Ellis Island! The new world is upon us! I can smell it in me nose!

Immigrant #2: Just think of it, a chance to start a new life for our children.

Immigrant #3: And our children’s children.

Immigrant #4: Why, someday I hope that me own great, great grandson might own his own land.

Immigrant #2: I hope my great, great grandson will be a doctor.

Immigrant #1: What about you, Cornelius Timberlake? What do you think your great, great grandson will be like?

Cornelius Timberlake: Well, I know he’ll be very handsome. And he’ll be a millionaire.

Immigrant #1: A millionaire? From fur trapping?

Immigrant #4: From coal?

Cornelius: No, from popular songs.

Immigrant #3: What sort of songs could make a man millions?

Cornelius: Oh I don’t know. Something like [singing] “cry me a river.”

Immigrant #3: So… he’ll be a girl?

Cornelius: NO, that’s a perfectly normal way for a man to sing! He’ll be world famous by the age of 16.

Immigrant #2: Oh, by 16? How?

Cornelius: At a young age, he’ll go to work with a band of boys.

Immigrant #4: Like a sweatshop?

Cornelius: Sort of. Sort of like a sweatshop. Then I imagine he’ll branch out on his own. Growing more and more handsome every day. He’ll strut about in tiny vests, thin ties, and outdated hats.

Immigrant #2: Oh that will look dreadful!

Cornelius: No, on him it will work!

Immigrant #4: That will probably frustrate huggar maiden.

Cornelius: Aye. T’will. I actually dream of a day when my great, great grandson will… bring sexy back.

Immigrant #1: Bring-bring sexy back, what does that mean?

Cornelius: It’ll be gone and he’ll bring it back!

Immigrant #3: Where did it go?

Cornelius: Just trust me, people will be on board. Okay?

Immigrant #2: Well it sounds like he’ll have his pick of the ladies.

Cornelius: Aye. Indeed. I’d like to think that at first, he’ll date a popular female singer. Publicly, they claim to be virgins but, privately, he hit it.

[audience screams with laughter as Justin glances around, raises his eyebrows, closes his eyes and shakes his head]

Then-then, he’ll make love with women so beautiful and so often, that it won’t be enough for him, and he’ll, I don’t know maybe try some stuff with guys. I mean he’ll be straight! But, uh, well, never mind, forget that part, everything else will come true but forget that part. His life is going to be a nonstop orgy of fame and money. He’ll sing! He’ll dance! He’ll act! He’ll even make surprise appearances on a Saturday night comedy show! There will be great excitement. And then he’ll appear. Again and again. Many times a year.

Immigrant #1: Won’t that lessen the excitement, though?

Cornelius: Nooo!!!! No!! Right? It’ll be good, right?

[a Jewish-looking man walks in]

Moyshe Samberg: [with Jewish accent] Ohhhh, it will be good!

[audience cheers]

Cornelius: Who are you?

Moyshe Samberg: My name is Moyshe Samberg. Your prediction has inspired me. Maybe someday my great, great grandson will also make songs.

Immigrant #2: Well, do you think he’ll have a beautiful voice?

Moyshe Samberg: Ehhh, he’ll have a voice! A fine, workable voice, you know? It’ll be more about charisma with him. And maybe, in this new land of opportunity, our grandsons will collaborate.

Cornelius: You know what Jew?

Moyshe Samberg: THERE IT IS!

Cornelius: You’re all right.

Immigrant #1: To the new world!

[everyone cheers and raises their fists]

[fade out]

Submitted by: Katie

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21

08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

Plasticville

Dancing Mascot…..Justin Timberlake
Spokesperson…..Will Forte

FADE IN:

[ EXT. PLASTIC SURGERY CLINIC – DAY ]

A SPOKESPERSON, dressed as a five-pound barbell, hands out pamphlets.

Spokesperson: [singing]
“It’s time to take some steps
(Think its time to take some steps)
Building up your small biceps
Work out, right now – right now
At Lifters!”(speaking) Hey everybody! Forget plastic surgery – – get yourself across the street and check out the grand opening of Lifter Fitness! We got awesome machines, English-speaking trainers, and a crazy amount of Purell: so you won’t get the “swing” flu. You’re gonna look so hot! Your friends are gonna think you got plastic surgery!

Dancing Mascot (V/O): Did somebody say plastic surgery!?

[ A DANCING MASCOT, dressed as a 34 DD breast implant, moves on in and sets down a small boombox. He hits the PLAY button. INSTRUMENTAL HIP-HOP music plays. ]

Dancing Mascot: [singing]
“Up one size now
Ready to inject now
I think I can get good look down
I feel you creeping,
And you think I’m looking nasty
Wanna draw with the blue magic Genie
And give you a good ol’ round of plastic
Snip that
I got a big ol’ nose
Tuck that
I got some jelly rolls
Nip that
I got some fugly toes
Just bring it on down to Plasticville!”
(speaking) Uh, look, no offense Barbell, but you’re sort of trespassing.

Spokesperson: Hey! It’s a sidewalk and this is America.

Dancing Mascot: Why don’t you stand on your sidewalk over there?

Spokesperson: Because a dog lit a hot one and it’s making me sick.

Dancing Mascot: Well, this is my spot. I work here.

Spokesperson: Well, we all work. And I’m about to work IT right now!

[ The spokesperson starts humming “The Addams Family” theme. ]

Spokesperson: [singing]
“Da-da-dum
Work out!
Da-da-dum
Feel good!
Da-da-dum
Da-da-dum
Da-da-dum
Join Lifters!”

Dancing Mascot: Wow… when does your album drop?

Spokesperson: You know, I’m not gonna take on your sucky energy!

Dancing Mascot: Oh! Suck! That reminds me…

[ The dancing mascot presses PLAY on the boombox. The instrumental music to Kelly Clarkson’s “My Life Would Suck Without You” comes on. ]

Dancing Mascot: [singing]
“Maybe you are stupid
For looking at your thighs
Maybe you were wrong
For wearing pants too tight
Because you’re fat is calling me
And for a small fee
I would (I would)
Like for to (Like for to)
To suck it out of you.
All you gotta do is bring in on down to Plasticville!”

Spokesperson: Nice try, but you can call me “The Bus”, because I’m about to take you to school!
[singing]
“Mary had a big, old gut
Big old, gut
She had a big, old gut
Mary had a big, old gut
And now she joined Lifters…
And now she doesn’t have one”

[ A couple passes the spokesperson and they take a pamphlet. ]

Spokesperson: Only at Lifters – – Two for one membership!

Dancing Mascot: We got a two for one special, too!

[ The dancing mascot turns to the spokesperson. ]

Dancing Mascot: Check it, bo-y-y-y!

[ The dancing mascot presses PLAY. The instrumental music for Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance” comes on. ]

Dancing Mascot: [singing]
“Wish I could change my flat, old chest
And make it bigger than the rest
What?
Implants!
Don’t want to be a cup B
Implants!
A discount if you pre-pay
Implants!!”

[ The dancing mascot moves his arms to mimic shouting then air plays scratching a record. The instrumental music changes to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face”. ]

Dancing Mascot: We ain’t stopping now!

[ The dancing mascot busts-a-move or two. ]

Dancing Mascot: [singing]
“I get real hot
Show him what I got
Just change my
Just change my
Come on and change
My mediocre face
My mediocre face (My mediocre face)
Bring it on down to Plasticville!”

Spokesperson: You know what!? You type really chaffs my quads!

Dancing Mascot: Oh… and what exactly is my type?

Spokesperson: Guys who think they’re cool beans on a sidewalk.

Dancing Mascot: Wow! You’re a bigger boob than me. Why don’t you go find a bench press? To press, because I’ve got business to drum up.

[ The dancing mascot presses PLAY on his boombox. The instrumental music for The Black Eyed Peas “Boom Boom Pow” begins. ]

Dancing Mascot: [singing]
“You want the big ones now
The itty-bity ones are jacking your style
I’m going to improve your swagger
And am gonna draw on you with a Sharpie
Gotta get those Boom Boom Boobs
(Gotta get those Boom Boom Boobs)
Gotta get those Boom Boom Boobs
Saline will do it
Do it
Bring it on down to Plasticville!”

Spokesperson: Hey guys! Do you wanna look plastic or fantastic!?

[ Another couple walks by and takes a pamphlet. ]

Spokesperson: Join Lifters!

Dancing Mascot: Knock it off, man.

[ The two begin shoving each other back and forth. ]

Spokesperson: No.

Dancing Mascot: Yes.

Spokesperson: No.

Dancing Mascot: Yes.

Spokesperson: No.

Dancing Mascot: No.

Spokesperson: Don’t try to confuse me. U-oh, here comes the steroid side effects. Come on!

[ The spokesman lunges himself at the dancing mascot. He restrains himself after feeling the dancing mascot’s costume. ]

Spokesperson: You know what? This feels nice.

Dancing Mascot: Cushy? Isn’t it?

Spokesperson: Yeah.

[ The dancing mascot examines the spokesperson’s nose. ]

Dancing Mascot: Did you know that one nostril is bigger than the other?

Spokesperson: Really?

Dancing Mascot: Yeah. Kinda looks like an electrical outlet.

Spokesperson: Maybe that’s why I’m not getting a good gym tan.

Dancing Mascot: Probably… but we can fix that for you. For half-price – if you stay off our property.

Spokesperson: That would be nice. Do you ever do breast reductions on men?

Dancing Mascot: Why do you ask?

Spokesperson: No reason whatsoever.

Both: [singing]
“Bring it on down to Plasticville!”

[ The two start break dancing. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21

08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

Mom Celebrity Translator

Mom #1…..Michaela Watkins
Ben…..Bobby Moynihan
Spokesman…..Jason Sudeikis
Mom #2…..Casey Wilson
Son #2…..Bill Hader

[ open on Mom sitting on sofa, as Ben enters ]

Ben: Hey Mom.

Mom #1: Hey Ben. Guess who got arrested?

Ben: Who?

Mom #1: Kevin Summerland.

Ben: Who??

Mom #1: You know, Calvin Sonogram…

Ben: Oh, you mean Kiefer Sutherland?

Mom #1: Yes, that’s it.

[ cut to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Moms. They love us and they take care of us, but one thing they can’t do is remember celebrities’ names. Now, you don’t have to waste hours a day trying to decipher which celebrity your mother is referring to with the new Mom Celebrity Translator. Simply enter the name as pronounced by your mother.

[ cut to Mom #2 and her son in his bedroom ]

Mom #2: Kite Carbinaw.

Spokesman V/O: Then enter whatever vague information your mother knows about this person.

Mom #2: She’s on TV, and she’s crazy.

Spokesman V/O: And seconds later, you’ll have the translation.

Son #2: Ohhhhh! Kim Kardashian! Yeah, she’s crazy.

[ cut to Mom #3 and Daughter in the kitchen ]

Mom #3: Honey, who do you think is cuter: Rabbi Renaldo or Champ Crawdaddy?

Daughter: [ typing this information ] Oh, you mean Ryan Reynolds or Chase Crawford. Yeah neither, I like Jake Gyllenhaal.

Mom #3: Who?

Spokesman V/O: It even works backwards.

Daughter: [ typing ] Sorry, Joe Geronimo.

Mom #3: I love Joe Geronimo. He was so good in “Breakdance Fountain”.

Spokesman: And the Mom Celebrity Translator even comes with audio playback so moms can hear the right pronunciation.

[ return to Mom #1 and Ben ]

Mom #1: Keith Ragu.

Translator: Ke-a-nu Reeves.

Ben: Ohhhhhh!

Mom #1: That’s what I said.

Spokesman: The Mom Celebrity Translator, look for it wherever mom products are sold. So…Ann Taylor.

Submitted by: Jacques

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi!
MacGruber!
Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi!
MacGruber!
Pepsi!, Pepsi!, Pepsi!”

[CUT to MacGruber holding Pepsi cans on both hands against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!… PEPSI!”

[CUT to an Italian mafia hideout. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Italian Mafia Hideout.” CUT to a sign marked “Mafia Hideout Control Room” as sirens wail.]

MacGyver: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is sealed shut!

Vicky: And we only have 15 seconds!!!

MacGruber: [Wearing a forehead band with the Pepsi globe and holding two Pepsi cans] Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi… Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi… [pointing to Vicky] Pepsi!, Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi…

Vicky: I don’t understand what you’re saying!

MacGruber: Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi!…

MacGyver: You’re such a sell out!!

MacGruber: [pointing to MacGyver] Pepsi, Pepsi… Pepsi, Pepsi…

MacGyver: Would you stop saying “Pepsi”?!

MacGruber: [now holding two cans of Diet Pepsi] Diet Pep…

[CUT to the italian mafia hideout exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

Submitted by: Ramon

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz

Steve’s Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Steve Martin!

[ the audience cheers enthusiastically, as Martin shirks it off ]

Steve Martin: No! No! That’s just crazy! I’m DELIGHTED to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the FIFTEENTH time! [ audience whoops ] Wow! You know, as I stand on this stage, all I can think of are the great people who have stood on this exact spot… and I think: Germs.

And there’s a lot of pressure on me, because you’re thinking: “Ohhh, there’s Steve Martin, I wonder what he’s got up his sleeve?” Well… I’ll tell you: hundreds of tiny arm hairs. But, also — and this is such a weird coincidence — I’m here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”… and I have a movie opening next week! [ the audience cheers, as Martin acts dumbfounded ] It’s crazy! I mean, I host the show, I got a movie coming out.

People come up to me all the time, and they say, “Steve! How do you do it?” And I say, “How I make love, is none of your business.”

Yes, it’s me standing out here in front of the camera… but a lot of the credit for tonight’s show goes to the hard-working, underappreciated people who work behind the scenes — or, as we call them in the business: the scene-behinders.

But I think the real reason they keep asking me back after all these years, is that… after these years in show business, I haven’t lost my connection to the people. They look at me and they say, “Wow, he’s just like me.” In fact, you know who was just saying that to me this morning? Tomas, who is in charge of three of my L.A. shoe closets.

And Barack Obama is now our President! [ on cue, the audience cheers ] If you had told me, that even eight years, that one day a competent, educated person would be elected President — you know, WOW! [ the audience cheers louder ]

You know what? I think this is the BEST audience “Saturday Night Live” has ever had! [ easily flattered, the audience cheers wildly ] You know what? I have decided I’m going to put ALL of you… in my next movie. It’s going to be claled “EVeryone Painfully Dies”.

You know, this actually is a very special night for me. It’s funny, because, my grandmother predicted this evening. She said, “Steve, one Saturday night, you will be performing live in front of 500 people… and many of them will be gay and not know it!”

But enough silly comedy jokes! I… hope you enjoy this show tonight — and, by that, I mean go see my new movie, “Pink Panther 2”, opening next Friday! Jason Mraz is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz

Jason Mraz performs “I’m Yours”

…..Steve Martin
…..Jason Mraz

Steve Martin: Ladies and gentlemen — Jason Mraz.

Jason Mraz: [ singing ]
“Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you’re so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
And now I’m trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I’ll be giving it my bestest
Nothing’s going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it’s again my turn to win some or learn some

I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I’m yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you’re free
Look into your heart and you’ll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
I like peaceful melodys
It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours

I’ve been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I’m saying is there ain’t no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It’s what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you’re free
Look into your heart and you’ll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
I like one big family (2nd time: I like happy family)
It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won’t hesitate no more
Oh no more no more no more
It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved, I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours

No I won’t hesitate no more, no more
This cannot wait I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours, I’m yours.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts