Ashton Kutcher: Thank you… to the Crooked Vultures! You guys are amazing, you’re absolutely incredible. [ to John Paul Jones ] Here, I’m on stage with a living legend! [ Jones raises his arms triumphantly ] I want to thank Lorne Michaels, I want to thank the writers, I want to thank the crew, I want to thank the cast! I want to say “Happy Birthday” to ME! There’s no better way for me to spend my birthday than right here! But, most of all, I want to thank YOU!
An Even-Tempered Apology From White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel
Announcer…..Don Pardo Rahm Emanuel…..Andy Samberg
[Open on title card]
Announcer: And now, an even-tempered apology from White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel.
[Dissolve to interior of Rahm Emanuels office, where Emanuel is sitting on his desk, addressing the camera]
Rahm Emanuel [turns to camera two]
As for the progressive Democrats whom I used the term in reference to, I should never have called you that. What I should have called you are f**king BABIES! Stupid f**king babies who cant keep their mouths shut! You went to The Wall Street Journal with this, you f**king turncoats?! The Wall Street Journal?! Im trying to get s**t done here, and I know were not moving as fast as you want on health care, but maybe you noticed the Republicans are trying to paint us as Soviet crack dealers! Ive already got them crawling up my ass, and now you want in too? Ive got so many legislators in my colon, I need 60 votes just to take a s**t, so f**k you!
[turns back to camera one, now calmer than before]
Id also like to personally apologize to Sarah Palin, who went on Facebook to criticize my comments and ask for my resignation. While my resignation will not be forthcoming, I hope the former governor can accept my humblest apologizes for my poor choice of words.
[Turns back to camera two]
So, now Im waiting for your apology, you f**kin harpy! Or do you forget saying my brother, Zeke, supports death panels, and his philosophy was downright evil? Well, hes a f**kin doctor whose dedicated his life to helping people, not a quitter who couldnt finish dinner! So why dont you stick to collecting checks for your stupid Tea Party speeches, you half-a-f**in politician? Also, you come after me on Facebook?! What are you, 14? Heres a status update: GROW THE F**K UP! Poke me again, and I will write s**t on your wall so obscene, your computer will cry! Go back to the tundra, you f**kin gimmick!
[turns to a third camera, pointing to the camera]
Im sorry, did you f**kin say something?
[The camera shakes no]
Are you sure?
[The camera nods yes]
[threatening]: You better be sure.
[Turns back to camera one, calmer]
In conclusion: Boo-f**kin-hoo. Get over it.
[Dissolve to title card amid audience cheering and applauding]
Announcer: This has been an even-tempered apology from White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel.
[Cut back to Emanuels office]
Rahm Emanuel: And also, Mel Gibson: Shut the f**k up!
…..Ashton Kutcher …..?uestlove …..Dave Grohl …..Josh Homme …..John Paul Jones Gary Pundle…..Fred Armisen Stefan Horkings…..Andy Samberg Tooter Subscriber…..Jenny Slate Office Worker…..Bobby Moynihan
FADE IN:
[ SUPER: The following is a paid advertisement from Ashton Kutcher ]
[ A montage of QUICK SHOTS shows Ashton Kutcher posing. ]
[ SUPER: ENTREPREUNER. ACTOR. VISIONARY. ]
[ Ashton is seated. ]
[ SUPER: ASHTON KUTCHER, TWITTER ENTHUSIAST ]
Ashton Kutcher: Over the past year, Ive been given a lot of attention because of my involvement with Twitter. But recently, I started to feel like Twitter wasnt enough
[ QUICK CUTS OF Ashton saying wasnt enough. ]
Ashton Kutcher: I wanted to give my followers total access.
[ SUPER: TOTAL ACCESS ]
Ashton Kutcher: They knew what was coming out of my mind, not what was coming out of my body. And thats why I developed the first flatulence networking system.
[ SUPER: FLATULENCE NETWORKING SYSTEM ]
[ Ashton faces the camera. ]
Ashton Kutcher: Tooter.
[ GRAPHIC: TOOTER ]
[ A well suited, British computer guru, GARY PUNDLE, is seated. ]
[ SUPER: GARY PUNDLE, TOOTER BRAND MANAGER ]
Gary: Its really ingenious. Every time Ashton has a gastronomic emission, or a gission, its broadcast to millions of his followers from around the world. And theyre alerted with a distinctive ringtone.
[ INT. OFFICE DAY ]
[ A rotund OFFICE WORKER types at his desk when his passing gas ringtone alerts him. He picks up the phone and views the screen. It displays ASHTON KUTCHER TOOTED! ]
[ COMPUTER ANIMATION shows a male body being outfitted on his backside. ]
Ashton Kutcher (V/O): The process is simple — I attach a receiving pad to the flesh side of my under bones, then I run a non-toxic wire up my seam, then plug it into my mobile device.
[ BACK to ASHTON ]
Ashton Kutcher: Then I pretty much kick back and bust some ass.
[ Lead singer of The Roots and bandleader of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon ?UESTLOVE is seated. ]
[ SUPER: ?UESTLOVE, MUSICIAN & TWITTER USER ]
?uestlove: At first, when Ashton told me about this idea, I was against it. But now? Im still against it.
Ashton Kutcher: It was a good system, but it still wasnt capturing the essence of Ashton and a big part of that is smell.
[ QUICK CUTS of Ashton saying smell three times. ]
[ A young inventor in white lab coat, STEFAN HORKINGS, is seated. ]
[ SUPER: STEFAN HORKINGS, DIGITAL ODOR INVENTOR ]
Stefan: Adding the smell at first was a challenge, but Ashton insisted
[ The rotund office worker from earlier gets a smell ringtone from his phone. His puff of air blows his hair and hes aghast. ]
Stefan: The testing phase just sucked!
Gary: Tooter uses Micro Crystal Technology to translate the entire gamut of flatulent subtlety. Whether its
Gary (V/O): [SCROLL] SDBS, CHURCHHOUSE CREEPERS, CRUNCH FROGS, DRIFTERS, JIMMY BUFFETS CROOKED CAULIFLOWER COCKTAILS, LOW FLYING JETS, CRACK RATTLERS, SIMPLE PUTT-PUTTS, THE BOSSANOVA, PUMPERNICKEL SLAMMIES, ADVANCED PUTT-PUTTS, THUNDER DUMPLINGS, OR RIP TORNS.
Gary: We wanted everyone to experience Ashtons gissions in all their glorious shame.
[ EXT. ROCKEFELLER PLAZA DAY ]
[ A TOOTER SUBSCRIBER, young women in her 30s, stands alone. ]
[ SUPER: TOOTER SUBSCRIBER ]
Tooter Subscriber: I didnt realize what I was signing up for and Ive actually tried to unsubscribe a few times but I havent been able to. I like That 70s Show okay, but this, just seems invasive.
[ ?uestlove listens to his Tooter ringtone and grimaces. ]
?uestlove: Ashtons been eating beans again.
[ Ashton stares off and passes gas. ]
[ INT. DRESSING ROOM DAY ]
[ SUPER: THEM CROOKED VULTURES, SNL MUSICAL GUESTS ]
[ THEM CROOKED VULTURES are relaxing on a couch. Josh Homme hears Dave Grohls ringtone go off. ]
Josh Homme: Dude, what is that smell?
Dave Grohl: Ashton Kutcher just farted again.
Josh Homme: Very cool.
[ John Paul Jones stares sadly at the camera. ]
John Paul Jones: I was in Led Zeppelin.
[ BACK TO TESTIMONALS ]
[ Stefans phone rings. ]
Stefan: Im sorry, Im going to take this.
[ Stefan answers his phone. ]
Stefan: Hello?
[ The sound of passing gas. ]
Stefan: Its a Kutcher Toot! Oh God!! Im gagging at the mouth!
Ashton Kutcher: So subscribe today. Tooter — Because Im that important.
[ SUPER: BECAUSE IM THAT IMPORTANT ]
[ EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER DAY ]
[ The Tooter subscribers hair blows from the Toot she just received on her cell phone. ]
Fred…..Fred Armisen Madeline…..Abby Elliott Groom…..Will Forte Lyle…..Dave Grohl Steve…..Ashton Kutcher Greg…..Bill Hader Waiters…..Kenan Thompson, Bobby Moynihan In-laws…..Nasim Pedrad, Jason Sudeikis
[ open on sign: “Cadena-Norton Wedding” ]
[ dissolve to reception area ]
Fred: Thank you, everybody. [ faces his daughter ] Honey, uh, I know it’s your worst nightmare, and — I’m up here, your dad — and I just want to get the old band together, if that’s okay with you. Do you mind, sweetie?
Madeline: No.
Fred: Alright, honey — don’t be embarrassed. Can I get the rest of the guys up here? Uh, Greg, Steve, Lyle — come on.
[ they run up ]
Lyle: Hey, go easy on us, guys — this is our first gig since, like, 1983.
Steve: Yeah, yeah. Well, hey, I’d like to say something.
Fred: Hey, who’s this old guy?
Steve: [ laughing ] You know, I can’t believe we’re up here after 25 years.We were very different guys back then.
Greg: You can say that again. But this feels right, sharing our music with this wonderful young couple.
[ minor applause ]
Steve: Yes, yes, yes. I guess when you get right down to it… rock n’ roll always endures.
Lyle: Unlike my prostate!
[ they laugh ]
Steve: I hear that. I got issues, too.
Fred: [ laughing ] Alright.
Greg: [ lifting his guitar ] Did this thing get heavier? [ he laughs ]
Fred: Alright, let’s do this. Madeline — my little maddy — I’m so proud of you.And I hope Daddy doesn’t make too much of a fool of himself up here. Alright, this is with all my love. [ to the guys ] You guys ready? Here we go.
Lyle: One, two, three, four.
Fred: Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!!!
[ Steve kicks drinks off of a table ]
Fred: [ singing ] “When Ronald Reagan comes aroundHe brings the fascists to your townYou think it’s cool to be a jockBut we all get beat up by cops
[ Fred pushes a table over ]
It’s aFist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lotFist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lot
[ Greg kicks a tray of glasses out of a waiter’s hand ]
Fred: [ speaking ]”I guess my mind’s all messed upBut isn’t that a result of going to your schools being a part of your system following your orders?”
[ Steve kicks the other waiter’s tray from his hands ]
Steve: I guess you want me to put on my suit and my tie and eat my happy meal
[ Grohl’s microphone doesn’t come on at first, so Kutcher hands him his ]
Lyle: [ screaming ]”I guess you want me to have 2.5 children and a white picket fence?I have a better idea!How about I kick your windows in with my boots?!”
[ Fred smashes a bottle over his head ]
Fred: [ screaming ]”You hear that, Alexander Haig?You getting all that, Ed Meese?
There’s gonna be a —
1, 2, 3, 4!
[ Fred jumps into the wedding cake ]
Fist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lotFist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lot
Attorney: Thank you all for coming. I’m the attorney to the estate of Mrs. Gertrude Hayes Wentworth. It is my duty to present the last will and testimony. I’m happy that all interested parties could be here: the son… the beloved grandchildren… and her pool boy, Angel, who became a constant companion and lover for the past ten years of her life.
[ Kutcher licks his lips a few times, as though about to say something, but apparently misses his cue ]
Attorney: [ finally ] Alright, let’s start. [ reading ] “To my wonderful family, I leave $200 million. And to the Metropolitan Museum, whose hallways I once spent an enjoyable afternoon, I leave $600 million.”
Angel: [ excited ] Alright, next! Come on, let’s get to it, dawg!
Attorney: “And to my stallion, Angel, who kept me in a state of constant physical bliss and arousal for over a decade, from the ages of 100 to 110, when I was at my oldest, I grant full pool privileges, except during the summer and on weekends.” The end.
Angel: [ in a mild state of shock ] Oh… oh… oh, my God. Th-that’s it?
Grandson: Angel, we owe you an apology. Uh, the whole time — this whole time, we thought you were only sleeping with our elderly grandmother… well, for her money.
Angel: Oh, my God!
Grandson: But now we realize that you had no financial arrangement worked out at all.
Angel: Oh, my God! Ten years?! Ten years of my life?!!
Granddaughter: You really did love her and her mushy… crooked body.
Angel: Oh, my God… her body! I had sex with that body for ten years! I don’t — How can this be happening?!
Grandson: Angel, we’re — we’re all shocked by the death of this 110-year old woman. But you can console yourself knowing that she died doing what she loved best: receiving oral sex from you.
Angel: This is a nightmare!!
Attorney: No, it’s very sad. The world has lost a really great woman to chlamydia. But we must keep her in our hearts.
Angel: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait! Go back! Wh-what did you say?
Attorney: We must keep her in our hearts —
Angel: No, no, no, no! The other thing!
Attorney: Oh, you mean that she had Stage 5 Chlamydia? Highest of the chlamydias. Don’t worry, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about. You MUST have used protection?
Angel: NOOOO, we didn’t use protection!! She was 110!! What was she gonna do, give birth to a GHOST?!! Aw, no, no, no, no, no!! I let that goblin have her way with me for ten years!! And all I get to do is swim in her pool with chlamydia?!
Attorney: No, no, Angel. First off, you can’t swim in the pool — it’s Saturday. And, second of all, she gave you much more than chlamydia.
Angel: [ bitter ] What, what, what — she gave me love and companionship?!
Attorney: No, she gave you lots of other STDs. Including ones that are so old, they have racist names. Like Oriental Fever… and another one I don’t want to say because it has the N-word.
Angel: [ desperately ] What?!
Attorney: I just don’t feel comfortable saying that name out loud. I mean, you saw what happened to Michael Richards?
Son: Angel, my boy, I know that you’re upset that she’s gone… but you should take solace in the fact that you made an old, lonely woman very happy.
Angel: Look… you know… maybe you’re right. You know, maybe this wasn’t the life that I envisioned for myself, but if… if I’ve improved a woman’s golden years, I guess I’m as rich as anyone, right?
Attorney: Wait a minute. There’s another page to her will.
Angel: [ hopeful ] What does it say? What does it say?
Attorney: It takes away your pool privileges. Then, on the back, there’s more STDs she gad. Let’s see: Soviet hives…. crabs rangoon… something called Jazz Flu.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 35: Episode 15 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
February 27th, 2010 Jennifer Lopez Jennifer Lopez None None None
We Are the World IIISummary: Quincy Jones (Kenan Thompson) makes the mistake of organizing “We Are the World 3” to explain the first half-assed remake of “We Are the World” that followed the Haiti earthquake. Recurring Characters: Willie Nelson, David Crosby, Eddie Vedder. Transcript
Montage
Jennifer Lopez’s MonologueSummary: Jennifer Lopez announces that she’s changed her image, which is bad news for an ex-member of her entourage (Kenan Thompson) and a pair of drag queen fans (Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader). Transcript
Gyne-Lotrimin Ladies’ World Cup of Curling 1987Summary: Commentators Pete Twinkle (Jason Sudeikis) and Greg Stink (Will Forte) keep the Gyne-Lotrimin sponsorship flowing amid confusion regarding curling match between Helga Birkenstock (Kristen Wiig) and Maria Shakira Prinze, Jr. (Jennifer Lopez). Recurring Characters: Pete Twinkle, Greg Stink.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A visual display of the various “Flags of the World”. Transcript
Hollywood DishSummary: Entertainment hosts Brady Trunk (Bill Hader) and Anastasia Sticks (Kristen Wiig) feign interest while interviewing Jennifer Lopez. Recurring Characters: Brady Trunk, Anastasia Sticks. Transcript
Telemundo Olympics CoverageSummary: Telemundo news anchors (Jennifer Lopez, Fred Armisen) are forced to cover the Winter Olympics, even though they can’t comprehend the merit in cold weather sports performances. Transcript
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Bobby Moynihan, Gov. David Paterson (Fred Armisen). Recurring Characters: Gov. David Paterson.
Besos Y LagrimasSummary: A strange love triangle between Senor Gomez (Fred Armisen), Josefina (Jennifer Lopez), and Madelena (Kristen Wiig). Transcript
Eternal Spark of LoveSummary: Narrator (Kenan Thompson) monitors a budding romance between office workers Sean (Jason Sudeikis) and Michelle (Jennifer Lopez). Recurring Characters: Narrator. Transcript
Jennifer Lopez performs “Starting Over”
Smash MouthSummary: Cecilia (Nasim Pedrad) can’t sleep because the band Smash Mouth keeps performing in her room. Transcript
Car Horns and MoreSummary: Tina Tina Chaneuse (Jenny Slate) and cousin Kiki Dee Cheneuse (Jennifer Lopez) display a variety of talking car horns. Recurring Characters: Tina Tina Cheneuse. Transcript
Closet OrganizerSummary: Throw all of your loose closet items at the Closet Organizer guy (Will Forte) and he’ll keep your closet straight for you. Note: Repeat from 09m.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts RileySummary: Riley (Fred Armisen) calls more people a bitch.
Step ClassSummary: Step class instructor (Jennifer Lopez) turns into a werewolf when the full moon hits.
AnacondaSummary: While on a date, Jennifer Lopez runs into a former “Anaconda” co-star (Andy Samberg), who’s now a waiter and has a script he wants her to look at.
[Opens with a shot of a mansion, cut to a man sitting in a wheelchair wearing an eye patch and breathing into an oxygen mask, a nun walks in the room carrying flowers]
Josefina: Flores, senor?
Senor Gomez: Josefina! Si! [removes eye patch]
Josefina: No.
Senor Gomez: TE AMO!
[dramatic music, passionate kiss]
[cut to promo]
Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas.
[Josefina wears a night dress, she poses, Virgin Mary’s head floats by.]
[Cut to Josefina dressed like a nun kissing Senor Gomez, enters Mrs. Gomez carrying a head made out of stone]
Magdelena: Josefina!
Josefina: Senora Gomez!
Senor Gomez: Magdelena!
Magdelena: Carlos! Ay, No!
Josefina: Magdelena! Ay, Si!
Senor Gomez: Josefina! No! Si! Ayyyyy!!!
[Magdelena throws the head statue against the wall smashing it to pieces]
Josefina: No! No! Senora! Lo siento-o-o-o-o!!!!
[anguished looks]
[cut to promo]
[Josefina walks in and Senor Gomez rolls in the wheelchair, gets up from it]
Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas
[cut to Senor Gomez sitting in his wheelchair and eating his salad, Magdelena stands next to him.]
Magdelena: Mira! [points out the window]
Senor Gomez: Que? [looks out the window]
Magdelena: [throws a little poison in his salad] Mira! [points out the window]
Senor Gomez: Que? [looks out the window, Magdelena throws a visible quantity of poison on the salad]
Magdelena: Mira! [points out the window]
Senor Gomez: Que? [looks out the window, Magdelena throws a gigantic quantity of poison on his salad]
Magdelena: Come su ensalada?
Senor Gomez: Ok.
[ Senor Gomez eats and Josefina bangs on the window pane mouthing silently “No!”, anguished look on her face. Senor Gomez dies.]
Magdelena: [diabolical laugh] Hahahahaha!!!
[cut to promo]
[Josefina and Magdelena pose in their night gowns]
Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas
[cut to a room full of people, a lawyer reads a will in the Gomez household]
Lawyer: Senor Gomez, testamento y will. Carlos, cero!
Carlos: Cero?
Lawyer: Cero, si.
Carlos: Ayyyy!!! [anguished look]
Lawyer: Sonia, cero!
Sonia: Que?!
Lawyer: Cero!
Sonia: Ayyyy, no-o-o-o!!!! [anguished look]
Lawyer: Magdelena, will y testamento de senor Gomez!
Magdelena: Si?
Lawyer: Cero!
Magdelena: Ayyyy!!! [anguished look]
Lawyer: Esmeralda, cero!
[a shot of the dog Esmeralda]
Lawyer: Josefina! Todo el dinero!
Carlos: No! Todo? Ay, no!
Josefina: Lo siento-o-o-o-o!!!!
[Senor Gomez enters the room]
Senor Gomez: Josefina!
Josefina: Senor Gomez! Esta vivo!
[Josefina and Mr.Gomez kiss with red hot passion]
[cut to promo]
[Josefina, Magdelena Gomez and Senor Gomez pose,dog Esmeralda’s head floats by]
Steve Jobs…..Fred Armisen Female Office Worker…..Abby Elliott Richard Branson…..Bill Hader Male Office Worker…..Bobby Moynihan Warehouse Manager…..Kenan Thompson Mary-Kate Olson…..Nasim Pedrad Ashley Olson…..Jenny Slate Director…..Jason Sudeikis Martha Stewart…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on montage footage of “Undercover Boss” ]
Announcer: It’s official. America loves “Undercover Boss,” the hit new show where top executives go undercover as entry-level workers in their own company. But what happens when the C.E.O. is a C.E.L.E.B.? It’s “Undercover Celebrity Boss.” Watch Steve Jobs empty a trash can.
[ cut to Steve Jobs as janitor talking to an office worker ]
Steve Jobs: This trash can… holds over 35 gallons… of trash. It plays music.
Female Office Worker: No, it doesn’t.
Steve Jobs: You can watch movies inside it.
Female Office Worker: Inside a trash can? [ she is unimpressed ]
Steve Jobs: The iTrash. [ he picks up a smaller can ] And now, the trash shuffle. Thank you! Thanks!
[ cut to next blurb ]
Announcer: And what happens when Virgin CEO Richard Branson loses his secretarial virginity?
[ cut to Richard Branson as secretary approaching an office worker ]
Richard Branson: [ laughing ] Here are those files you requested, Boss!
Male Office Worker: Oh, okay. So, you’re Richard Branson.
Richard Branson: [ guffawing ] Who? What? What gave me away?
Male Office Worker: Well, you showed up for work in a space shuttle… and you parachuted into a meeting… and then you screamed: “I am Sir Richard Branson!”
Richard Branson: I did! I own all this!
[ cut to warehouse exterior ]
Announcer: Then visit the warehouse, with mini-moguls Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.
Warehouse Manager: I don’t think you guys should be loading heavy boxes.
Mary-Kate Olsen: Why not? It’s not like we’re the Olsen Twins.
Ashley Olsen: Yeah, we’re just a couple of normal-sized warehouse workers.
Warehouse Manager: All right.
[ he lifts a box and places it in the hands of the Olson Twins, who collapse under the weight ]
[ cut to the next blurb ]
Announcer: Plus, there’s Martha Stewart!
[ cut to Martha Stewart standing in a kitchen with her arms folded, as a director leans forward ]
Director: Excuse me, why aren’t you doing the dishes?
Martha Stewart: Because I’m Martha f–kin’ Stewart!
Announcer: “Undercover Celebrity Boss”. On the Celebrity Boss Station: CBS.
Nasim…..Nasim Pedrad Bobby…..Bobby Moynihan Tina Tina Cheneuse…..Jenny Slate Kiki Dee Cheneuse…..Jennifer Lopez Scientist…..Fred Armisen Teenager…..Abby Elliott
[ open on Bobby and Nasim stalled in traffic ]
Nasim: Look at this traffic.
[ she honks her ordinary-sounding car horn ]
Bobby: [ scoffing ] Nice car horn.
[ he exits the car and walks away ]
Nasim: Oh, no! Come back! I hate my car horn.
[ Tina Tina Cheneuse enters frame ]
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Does this happen to you? People go away ’cause you got a bad, boring car horn? Hi lo! I’m Tina Tina Cheneuse!
[ she crosses frame to a panel of steering wheels ]
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Does your car horn lack flavor? Then come on down to Car Horns and More. Okay, here’s what a regular car horn sounds like: [ she presses the archaic-sounding horn ] What? No. That’s bad! [ she tosses the car horn away ] You need a custom-made car horn that speaks to you. Like this: [ she presses a horn ]
Car Horn: “Beep beep, I am your car!”
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Yeeeesss… that is my voice. Why should it not be? I’m an entrepreneur. At car horns and more, we got all kinds of car horns. Polite car horns:
Car Horn: “Beep beep! After you, Buick.”
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Old timey car horns.
Car Horn: “A-ooga! What?”
Tina Tina Cheneuse: International car horns.
Car Horn: Honk honk! bonjour! grey poupon! Fresh.”
Tina Tina Cheneuse: And for ambulances.
Car Horn: “Get out the way, a baby ate a penny. Oh, my Go-o-o-od!”
Tina Tina Cheneuse: How do I do it? I had a little help. Just ask my cousin, Kiki.
Kiki Dee Cheneuse: Hellooooo! I’m Kiki Dee Cheneuse, and I’ve been in all kinds of crazy cars. Do you need a horn for a limousine?
Car Horn: Boom-boom! Minibar! Hello, driver! Honk! Honk!
Kiki Dee Cheneuse: What if you drive a airport shuttle bus?
Car Horn: Honk honk! Jet Blue! Bye-bye, Nana!
Tina Tina Cheneuse: We got horns for everybody. Come on!
Scientist: What about me? I’m a scientist.
Kiki Dee Cheneuse: Here you go!
Car Horn: Bunson burner! Bubbles! It’s alive! Whaaaat?
Scientist: Good. [ he exits ]
Teenager: What about me? I’m a teenager.
Kiki Dee Cheneuse: Well, this one’s for you.
Car Horn: Pass the Clearasil! Shut up, Mom! Jolly Ranchers!
Teenager: Yes! [ she exits ]
Bobby: What about me? I’m a soldier in the Army.
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Here!
Car Horn: Camouflage! Bunk beds! Drop and give me 20! Beep-beep! Private Benjamin! Right?
Bobby: Thanks! [ he exits ]
Tina Tina Cheneuse: We even got car horns for driving to church.
Car Horn: Hi-lo! I’m coming to your house, Jesus!
Kiki Dee Cheneuse: For the elderly!
Car Horn: Honk honk! I remember when all this was farmland.
Tina Tina Cheneuse: And even car horns for people in relationships.
Car Horn: Honk! How could you sleep with Denise? Oh, my God! I can’t believe you did this to me! This is a terrible betrayal! Beep!
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Oh, my, Go-o-o-od! So come on down to car horns and more.
Together: And get the fantasy car horn of your dreams! Bye bye!
…..Jennifer Lopez Bill Hader…..Brady Trunk Kristen Wiig…..Anastasia Sticks
FADE IN:
[ EXT. SUNSET GOWER STUDIOS – DAY ]
[ INT. SOUNDSTAGE – DAY ]
[ JENNIFER LOPEZ is seated on a stool. Enter BRADY & ANASTASIA. ]
Anastasia Sticks: Jennifer Lopez! Hi!!
Brady Trunk: Hi!
Anastasia Sticks: Look at your dress!
Brady Trunk: You look fantastic!
[ Both take their seats across from Jennifer. ]
Anastasia Sticks: Just a gorgeous lady!
Brady Trunk: We are so excited that you made time to do this interview!
Anastasia Sticks: Everyone here at “Hollywood Dish” just loves you!
Brady Trunk: Me, especially!!
Anastasia Sticks: Okay – – stop drooling or this whole place is gonna flood!
[ Both giggle. ]
Jennifer Lopez: Oh, that’s okay.
[ Everybody smiles. ]
Brady Trunk: I’m Brady Trunk…
Anastasia Sticks: …and I’m Anastasia Sticks.
Jennifer Lopez: I know who you are. I used to watch “Hollywood Dish” when I was nursing my kids.
Brady Trunk: Ewww!!! Gross!
[ Anastasia covers her ears, makes tongue sounds and shakes her head. ]
Brady Trunk: Too much info! Alright, let’s get started. Are we ready?
Anastasia Sticks: Good to go?
[ Both face off-camera briefly. ]
Brady Trunk: Good to go?
Anastasia Sticks: Am I shiny!? Is my hair parted!?
Brady Trunk: Okay! A 2 & 3 – Jennifer Lopez! You just released a single and you’ve got a movie coming out in April!
Anastasia Sticks: Not bad!
Jennifer Lopez: Thank you, thank you! Yeah, I’ve been pretty busy.
[ Brady & Anastasia give insincere smiles. ]
Jennifer Lopez: You know, I took a couple of years off.
[ Brady & Anastasia stare without emotion. ]
Jennifer Lopez: But it’s great to be back, because, you know, I miss performing so much.
[ Brady & Anastasia pantomime praise and cheers. ]
Jennifer Lopez: And, um… I’m sorry, is something wrong?
Anastasia Sticks: No, no, no, no! You’re doing fine!
Brady Trunk: We just can’t talk over you. It’ll ruin the sound.
Anastasia Sticks: Yes, no sonida! Overlappa!
Jennifer Lopez: Uh… I speak English.
Anastasia Sticks: I speak Spanish!
Brady Trunk: Touché!
Anastasia Sticks: He speaks French!
Brady Trunk: Oui!
[ Both laugh while Jennifer flashes a slight smile. ]
Brady Trunk: J-Lo – your movie is called “The Back-Up Plan” and I think a lot of people will “plan” to “go back” again… and again… and again!
Jennifer Lopez: Well, I hope they do!
[ Brady & Anastasia display uncertainty in body language. ]
Jennifer Lopez: The best part is we shot the movie in New York.
[ Brady & Anastasia are half-asleep. ]
Jennifer Lopez: And, um… you know, I’m a New York girl – from the Bronx.
[ Brady & Anastasia pantomime an urban mugging. ]
Jennifer Lopez: So… it was a great experience to be back in my hometown.
[ Brady & Anastasia grimace and shake their heads. ]
Jennifer Lopez: But I hope it’s, uh, a big hit. As my mom used to say, “La paciencia y la fe.”
Brady Trunk: Spanish!
Anastasia Sticks: Do more Spanish! Do more Spanish! Yeah!
Jennifer Lopez: La paciencia y la fe? It just means “patience and faith.”
Anastasia Sticks: More! More!
Brady Trunk: Do some more! Do some more!
Jennifer Lopez: Like, “La paciencia y la fe!” Or, “La paciencia y la fe!!”
Anastasia Sticks: Sexy! Sexy!
Brady Trunk: Make it hot!
Anastasia Sticks: Spicy! Spicy!
[ Jennifer spouts numerous Spanish phrases and screams the final one. Brady & Anastasia sit aghast. ]
Brady Trunk: Yikes!
Anastasia Sticks: We’re right here!
[ Jennifer rolls her eyes. ]
Jennifer Lopez: Anyway, I’m really proud of the movie. It’s great! It’s about a woman –
[ Anastasia giggles hysterically. ]
Anastasia Sticks: Terrific! So Jennifer, let’s get to the meat of the bones – – what’s Marc Anthony like in bed?
Jennifer Lopez: That’s a little personal…
Brady Trunk: Can’t you give us any details?
Jennifer Lopez: Ummm…
Brady & Anastasia: Ummm…
Jennifer Lopez: Ehhh…
Brady & Anastasia: Ehhh…
Jennifer Lopez: Uh, I –
[ Brady & Anastasia scream to the top of their lungs. ]
Jennifer Lopez: Um… okay! Are we almost done here? Because…
Brady Trunk: Just one last question — what did you think of the last episode of “The Bachelor”?
[ Brady & Anastasia start straw-sipping on milkshakes in vintage glasses. ]
Jennifer Lopez: Uh, you know… I don’t think I even saw that.
[ Brady spits his mouthful of milkshake on Anastasia. Jennifer cringes.]
Jennifer Lopez: Yeah… I’ve been so busy, I don’t have time to watch TV.
[ Brady almost takes a mouth sip but throws the rest of his shake on Anastasia, mouth wide open. Anastasia frowns and starts readjusting her lavalier. ]
Anastasia Sticks: So, how do you keep so fit?
Jennifer Lopez: Well, I… I… dance a lot. And with two kids, I’m always running around. Uh… I have a trainer and a nutritionist, which makes it a whole lot easier. Wait, is he asleep?
[ Brady’s wearing a paper cut-out mask of himself while passed out on Anastasia’s shoulder. She has removed her blouse and only wearing a bra made of coconuts. ]
Jennifer Lopez: Okay! Okay! You know what!? I’m leaving! I’m out of here! Okay?
[ Jennifer gets out of her stool and steps in milkshake residue. ]
Jennifer Lopez: Ugh! I’m walking in milkshake!
[ Jennifer exits. ]
Anastasia Sticks: She was great!
Brady Trunk: She was great!!!
Anastasia Sticks: Sexy and so talented!
Brady Trunk: So tiny!
Anastasia Sticks: Love her, love her!
Brady Trunk: Tiny!
[ “HOLLYWOOD DISH” COMMERICIAL SPOT ]
[ SAME SOUNDSTAGE – DIFFERENT SET ]
[ Brady & Anastasia stand together. ]
Brady Trunk: Tonight on “Hollywood Dish”, you want to tune in to find out: has J. Lo gone loco?
[ CUT TO: SEGEMENT OF JENNIFER SPOUTING NUMEROUS SPANISH PHRASES ]
[ SUPER: I LIKE TO HIT PEOPLE WITH MY CAR! ]
Anastasia Sticks: Plus, Mario Lopez shows you how you can get the perfect six-pack… on your face!
Air Date:
Summary: Quincy Jones (Kenan Thompson) makes the mistake of organizing “We Are the World 3” to explain the first half-assed remake of “We Are the World” that followed the Haiti earthquake.
Summary: Jennifer Lopez announces that she’s changed her image, which is bad news for an ex-member of her entourage (Kenan Thompson) and a pair of drag queen fans (Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader).
Summary: Commentators Pete Twinkle (Jason Sudeikis) and Greg Stink (Will Forte) keep the Gyne-Lotrimin sponsorship flowing amid confusion regarding curling match between Helga Birkenstock (Kristen Wiig) and Maria Shakira Prinze, Jr. (Jennifer Lopez).
Summary: A visual display of the various “Flags of the World”.
Summary: Entertainment hosts Brady Trunk (Bill Hader) and Anastasia Sticks (Kristen Wiig) feign interest while interviewing Jennifer Lopez.
Summary: Telemundo news anchors (Jennifer Lopez, Fred Armisen) are forced to cover the Winter Olympics, even though they can’t comprehend the merit in cold weather sports performances.
Summary: 
Summary: Bobby Moynihan, Gov. David Paterson (Fred Armisen).
Summary: A strange love triangle between Senor Gomez (Fred Armisen), Josefina (Jennifer Lopez), and Madelena (Kristen Wiig).
Summary: Narrator (Kenan Thompson) monitors a budding romance between office workers Sean (Jason Sudeikis) and Michelle (Jennifer Lopez).
Summary: Cecilia (Nasim Pedrad) can’t sleep because the band Smash Mouth keeps performing in her room.
Summary: Tina Tina Chaneuse (Jenny Slate) and cousin Kiki Dee Cheneuse (Jennifer Lopez) display a variety of talking car horns.
Summary: Throw all of your loose closet items at the Closet Organizer guy (Will Forte) and he’ll keep your closet straight for you.
