Category: 2009

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

MacGruber

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Nana…..Betty White

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
MacGruber!
He’s working with his Grandma now!”

[CUT to MacGruber and scooterbound Nana in a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to a hijacked insane asylum. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Hijacked Insane Asylum.” CUT to a sign marked “Asylum Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Nana: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is sealed shut!

Vicky: And from the looks of that time bomb, we’ve only got 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry, gang. The only bombs we’re gonna have to watch out for are the SAKI bombs that we’re gonna drink when we get out of here. And we will get out of here.

Vicky: Fifteen seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Uh — Vicky — hand me that bottle cap!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Nana!

Nana: MacGruber, what do we say when someone does something nice for us?

MacGruber: Right, right, uh — Thank you, Vicky, for the bottle cap.

Vicky: You’re welcome, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Nana! Scooter me over that gum wrapper!

Nana: MacGruber-r-r-r?

MacGruber: Uh — uh — Please! Please!

[ Nana scooters forward ]

MacGruber: Okay, uh — Vicky! Please, that eraser thingy!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber! You’re welcome!

MacGruber: Okay, let’s see what we got here…

Nana: [ reminiscing ] You know, he used to fingerpaint on the walls with his little poopies.

MacGruber: Nana, now is not the time!

Nana: We called him “Poop-casso”!

MacGruber: She didn’t say that.

Nana: He breastfed until he was twelve years old.

MacGruber: Okay! Can we focus, please?!

Nana: He had his first kiss when he was sixteen! How is Barry, by the way?

MacGruber: Nana, I’m asking you very nicely! Please, thank you, stop!

Nana: You know, when he was born, they thought he was a girl for two whole months because they couldn’t find his wee-wee!

MacGruber: Nana!

Nana: It’s called “micro-penis.”

MacGruber: SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU OLD LADY!! WITH YOUR WHITE HAIR AND YOUR… WALKING PROBLEM!!

Vicky: MacGruber!

MacGruber: I’m sorry, Nana… [ Nana is shocked ] I’m under a lot of stress here! I mean, I gotta diffuse this bomb —

[CUT to the insane asylum exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Nana…..Betty White

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
Working with his Grandma’s put a strain on their relationship!
MacGruber!
She’s telling lots of stories that are really embarrassing!
MacGruber!
He’s losing all his street cred!”

[CUT to MacGruber being made fun of by another couple as he strikes a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to a clandestine guerilla airport. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Clandestine Guerilla Airport.” CUT to a sign marked “Airport Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Nana: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is magnet-locked!

Vicky: And from the looks of that mini-hydrogen bomb, we’ve got about 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Don’t worry, gang — we will get out of here. And we’ll do it together. Right, Nana?

[ Nana grins ]

Vicky: Fifteen seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Uh — Vicky — please! Hand me that paper clip — thank you!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber!

Nana: MacGruber? Do you still have scars from when you had your breast reduction surgery?

MacGruber: Uh… no, Nana, I don’t. Because I never had one!

Nana: Ohh, he’s embarrassed!

MacGruber: [ clenching his teeth ] We have gone over this before! This is not story time, we are trying to diffuse a freaking bomb here! So just stay over there, and keep your mouth shut!

Vicky: Ten seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Uh — uh — Vicky! Please hand me that cord! Thank you!

Vicky: Here you go, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Nana!

[ Nana appears to be dead ]

Vicky: Oh, my God!

MacGruber: [ shaking his head ] She’s just playing dead. She does this all the time for attention. Good job, Nana! Real mature! 88 years old! Really freakin’ mature! Everynoe knows you’re still alive!

[ no reaction ]

MacGruber: Check her pulse, just in case.

[ Vicky leans forward, afraid ]

[ Nana opens one eye for a quick second ]

MacGruber: [ pointing ] I SAW THAT!! HA HA! I WIN!!

[CUT to the airport exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Nana…..Betty White

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
He’s still working with his Grandma, but it’s gotten really teense!
MacGruber!
They haven’t really spoken for a couple of weeks now!
MacGruber!
He never had a breast reduction!”

[CUT to MacGruber’s Before-After breast reduction ad with a line through it.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to a bobbytrapped bridge. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Boobytrapped Bridge.” CUT to a sign marked “Bridge Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Nana: [lightly struggling with locked door] Vicky, the door’s locked. How many seconds before MacGruber fails to diffuse the bomb?

MacGruber: [ aggravated ] Okay, this has gone on far enough! Look, seeing as it’s Mother’s Day… I think it’s time to end our little feud. Nana… [ romantically ] You are so special to me. You’re my rock. You wonder why I’m in my early 40’s and still haven’t settled down? Well, first of all, I went through a little gay phase — it was very short, but… that ate up some time. But, after that, I just couldn’t find the right person. I mean, I’ve been searching my whole life for a woman who’s as amazing as you. But there’s nobody out there who even comes close. You set the bar too darn high. I love you SO much!

Nana: [ touched ] I love you, too, Poop-casso.

MacGruber: Happy Mother’s Day. You mean the world to me. And it’s just a sham that in our society, you can’t marry your own grandma!

[ everyone chuckles, as MacGruber’s facial expression turns grimly serious ]

MacGruber: Or can you? [ he drops to one knee ] Nana… make me the happiest grandson on the face of the Earth. Will you marry me?

Nana: Are you out of your fucking mind?! [ a beat ] Yes!

[ they lean in for a close-up kiss ]

[CUT to the bridge exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

Betty White’s Monologue

…..Betty White

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Betty White!

Betty White: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! I don’t believe this! I just can’t believe that I am hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Um, I’m not sure — you — many of you know that I’m 88 and a half years old, so it’s — well, it’s great to be here for a number of reasons!

You know, I’m not new to live TV — in 1952, I starred in my first live sitcom, which was “Life with Elizabeth”. And, of course, back then we didn’t want to do it live. We just didn’t know how to tape things. So I don’t know what this show’s excuse is.

You know, I have so many people to thank for being here, but I really have to thank Facebook. [ the audience cheers wildly ] When I first heard about the campaign to get me to host “Saturday Night Live”, I didn’t know what Facebook was. And, now that I do know what it is, I have to say… it sounds like a HUGE waste of time. [ the audience cheers and applauds wildly ] I would never say that people on it are losers… but that’s only because I’m polite.

People say, “But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.” Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends… I need a Ouji board. Needless to say, we didn’t have Facebook when I was growing up. We had Phonebook, but… you wouldn’t waste an afternoon on it. Facebook just sounds like a drag. In my day, seeing pictures of people’s vacations was considered a punishment. And, when we were kids, we didn’t say we were single. We were just kids! It was weird if you weren’t single! Yes, we had poking… but… it wasn’t something you did on a computer. It was — it was something you did on a hayride. Under a blanket. [ she strikes a nostalgic, faraway glance, then returns to Earth ] Oh! Sorry.

Things were a lot different when I was growing up. My father, Horace, was a traveling salesman, who moved our family to California during the Great Depression. I mean, that’s the kind of stuff you only read about in novels. And, to think, I’ve lived through a World War, worked on radio and films, on “Mary Tyler Moore”, and “The Golden Girls”… [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] And now I’m here tonight because you wanted me to be here. [ the audience cheers wildly ] And I just want to say I feel so loved. Thank you. If I could, I would take you ALL on a big hayride. [ she gazes into the audience ] Starting with you, sir. No, not you. [ she cocks her head ] You.

[ she clears her throat ]

Guess what? Jay-Z is here! [ the audience cheers ] And if I had a dime for every time I’ve said that, I’d have one dime — which wasn’t anything to shake a stick at in my day! We have a great show for you tonight, so stick around and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

The Manuel Ortiz Show

Manuel Ortiz….Fred Armisen
Renata Montoyez….Maya Rudolph
Renata’s sister….Ana Gasteyer
Merlin….Bill Hader
Nelson Carreras….Will Forte
Sr. Carreras….Bobby Moynihan
Sra. Carreras….Betty White
Julisa….Kristen Wiig

[TV Dominicana logo]

Announcer: You’re watching Telecentro TV Dominicana. At 6:00 Fireworks. Followed by 10:00 JAG. But first The Manuel Ortiz Show.

[The Manuel Ortiz Show logo]

Manuel Ortiz: Hola. Welcome to the show. I am Manuel Ortiz. I am here to listen and help you work with your problem. And if I cannot, I’m very,very sorry. My first guest today has lost all contact with her sister. Please welcome, Renata Montoyez.

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel and Renata dance the merengue. A couple of steps, whips head to the side. Music stops, they sit down]

Manuel Ortiz: Welcome Renata Montoyez.

Renata Montoyez: Oh, muchas gracias Manuel.

Manuel Ortiz: So, what has happened between you and your sister?

Renata Montoyez: [emotional] Oh, this is so hard for me.

Manuel Ortiz: Try.

Renata Montoyez: Ok. My sister, she sleeps with my husband. They say they just esleep but I am not there to make sure.

Manuel Ortiz: Well, guess who’s here? Your sister.

Renata Montoyez: No!

Manuel Ortiz: Yes!

Renata Montoyez: No!

Manuel Ortiz: Let’s bring her out!

[Merengue music plays. Manuel, Renata and Renata’s sister dance the merengue. A couple of steps, whip head to the side]

[Music stops, they sit down]

Renata’s Sister: Buenos dias Manuel.

Manuel Ortiz: Your sister is very upset with you.

Renata Montoyez: You sleep with my husband!

Renata’s Sister: So? We’re amigos with benefits.

Manuel Ortiz: I have a surprise for both of you. Let’s bring him out!

[Merengue music plays. Manuel, Renata, Renata’s sister and Merlin dance the merengue. A couple of steps and whip the head to the side.]

[Music stops, they sit down]

Renata Montoyez: Merlin, why are you here?!

Manuel Ortiz: Merlin has something to say. He wanted to wait to tell you together in front of a studio audience.

Merlin: Yes. Both of you. Hold my hands. [Renata and her sister hold hands with Merlin] I think….I am gay.

Renata Montoyez: You did this to him!

Renata’s Sister: No! I did nothing to him. This is what has happened.

Manuel Ortiz: So, I have someone here who wants to see Merlin. Please welcome, Nelson Carreras.

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Renata, Renata’s sister, Merlin and Nelson dance the merengue. Merlin checks Nelson’s ass while dancing. A couple of steps, whip head to the side]

[Music stops, they sit down]

Nelson Carreras: Oh, a snap on everyone’s faces but Merlin’s.

Merlin: Te amo Nelson.

Nelson Carreras: Te amo Merlin.

Manuel Ortiz: Nelson, did Julisa the make-up girl, prepared you?

Nelson Carreras: No. Do I have a shine?

Manuel Ortiz: Yes, a terrible one.

Nelson Carreras: Ah!

Manuel Ortiz: Julisa, we need powder!

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Renata, Renata’s sister, Merlin and Nelson dance the merengue. Julisa dances and powders Nelson’s face. A couple of steps, whip head to the side. Julisa jumps out of camera range]

[Music stops, they sit down]

Manuel Ortiz: Now Nelson, there is something very special that you wanted to do today.

Nelson Carreras: Yes. My parents don’t know I’m gay.

Manuel Ortiz: Then let’s bring them out. Sr y Sra. Carreras!

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Renata, Renata’s sister, Merlin, Nelson and Sr. and Sra.Carreras dance the merengue. A couple of steps, whip head to the side.]

[Music stops. They sit down, all except Sr. Carreras]

Sr. Carreras: Ay, yi, yay! There is no room for both me and my wife in this sofa.

Manuel Ortiz: I’m sorry but I need for one of you to volunteer to leave.

Renata’s Sister: I will. I am too don’t want to do this anyway.

[Renata’s sister gets up, merengue music plays for a little bit and leaves her in mid-dance. She pauses awkwardly, walks out]

Manuel Ortiz: Your son has something to tell you.

Nelson Carreras: Guess what’s ne-e-e-ew?

Sra. Carreras: You found a new girlfriend?

Nelson Carreras: No.

Sr. Carreras: You found a new place to buy juice?

Nelson Carreras: No. I am a gay top! Can you deal with this?

Sra. Carreras: Ay, yi, yay. That explains why he doesn’t like tacos!

Manuel Ortiz: I am being told from the control room that I need to take a break. When we return we have a special surprise. Sr and Sra. Carreras gardener!

Sr. Carreras: Ay, no!

Manuel Ortiz: Si!

Sr. Carreras: Ayyyy!

[Merengue music plays. They keep dancing the merengue]

[The Manuel Ortiz Show logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

Scared Straight

Officer Sikorsky…..Jason Sudeikis
Lorenzo MacIntosh…..Kenan Thompson
Loretta MacIntosh…..Betty White
Teen 1….Bill Hader
Teen 2….Andy Samberg
Teen 3….Bobby Moynihan

(Opens with a shot of a police station. Cut to an interrogation room. An officer is sitting casually on his desk in front of the three seated teens)

Officer Sikorsky: All right, goofballs. I bet you think bullying your classmates is totally radical, huh? Well it’s not!

Teens: (looking disattached) Whatever.

Officer Sikorsky: Yeah, simultaneous “whatever,” Okay, alright, look. Somehow you still don’t get it, do ya, huh? So I invited two representatives from the Scared Straight program to come talk to you animals. Macintosh! Grand Mammie Macitosh! You wanna get In here?

(Lorenzo MacIntosh, a tough con wearing a brown prison uniform, a doo rag, and a weightlifting belt, enters with his grandmother, Loretta, another tough convict in a brown uniform and a shock of white hair.)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Alright, here it comes! You alright, grammie? Alright now. My name is Lorenzo Macintosh.

Loretta MacIntosh: And I’m his grandmother Loretta Macintosh.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: But you can call us yo’ wedding day. Cause you gon’ get something old, something new… (puts up fists)

Loretta MacIntosh: Something black and something blue! (throws a punch)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Now what they in here for?

Teen 1: We beat up a kid cause he’s poor…

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Boy! Shut yo’, shut yo’ damn mouth! (Pulls teen’s sweatshirt over his head) What you think we’ve never been poor? When I was young, my family was so poor that all four of my grandparents had to sleep head to toe on the same bed.

Loretta MacIntosh: I remember that!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Then one day, I was eatin’ a bar of chocolate and I found a ticket inside of it. I believe it was silver or bronze or something like that.

Teens: It was golden…

Lorenzo MacIntosh: That’s what I said! It was a golden ticket. Pretty soon me and four other kids are touring a funky candy factory and some little orange dudes are teaching us lessons via song! Is that what you want? Hmm? Hmm?? You almost die from fizzy lifting drink and Slugworth wants your everlasting gobstopper? Cause this here is real!

Teen 1: Okay, so yeah, that’s just Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory…

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Woooooooo…

Loretta MacIntosh: Oh no…

Officer Sikorsky: (shaking his head) No way, no way…

(Teen 1, expecting this, takes off his shoe and Lorenzo slams it onto the ground.)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Woooooooo! Boy you better close yo’ damn mouth! Oh you be wonkin’ some willies alright and they gon’ be touring yo’ chocolate factory and giving you an everlasting buttstopper!

Teen 1: (disgusted) Noooooh!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Man they gon’ ride you like a wonka-vator. Sideways, slantways, three ways and ten ways!

Loretta MacIntosh: And the tiny people won’t be orange. They’ll be freaky Hispanic and Chinese dudes.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Yea, they gon’ dance around you in the communal shower and sing (begins singing)
“Prison, prison, doo pah dee doo”
“A gang of Jamaicans is comin’ for you!”

Loretta MacIntosh: They’ll take ya to the boiler room and lay you down flat!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: “What does your rear end think…of…dat?”
“It doesn’t like the looks of it!”

Officer Sikorsky: Hey Macintosh! C’mon man, you can’t do that to a children’s song.

(The MacIntoshes return back to the front of the desk, with their hands up.)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Oh. That’s on me chief. Here’s the ocean and I crossed it. Now all the natives got small pox. Heh heh heh heh.

Officer Sikorsky: (trying to control laughter) Alright, okay.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Now which one of y’all is the ring leader?

(Teens point to teen 2.)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Boy! Get up here. (pulls Teen 2 in front of Loretta)

Loretta MacIntosh: Ah, soo you think you’re the bees’ knees? You hippie!

Teen 2: Yeah, so what? I’m fed up with this one horse town.

Loretta MacIntosh: Now hush up! You’ve never think of I’ve never felt stuck in a small town?

Teen 2: Uh huh.

Loretta MacIntosh: Well, I recall my childhood in rural Kansas. (fantasy background music begins) I was bored to tears! ‘Til all of a sudden, a twister hit. It carried me to a magical land full of witches and wizards. Is that what you want? Is it?! You’re following a lion, a tin man and a scarecrow down a yellow brick road…because this here. This right here. This is real.

Teen 3: Ok. (gets up, as background music ends) That’s Wizard of Oz!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Heeeeeeeeyyyy!!!! (Shoves teens 2 and 3 back into their seats and starts punching at them. The teens struggle to keep down the laughs) No! It’s not! Ain’t no wizard of oz! (starts gnawing on Teen 3’s jacket) No! You do not interrupt one of grammie’s stories.

Loretta MacIntosh: (Begins roughing up Teen 3, who can’t help laughing)You keep that up, and you’ll be playing twister on the floor of the prison bathroom! (A sneaker is thrown at them from offstage, Loretta throws it back.)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Yeah, thats right! And it won’t be no lion, a tin man and a scarecrow. It’ll be you, lying down, while ten men make you a scared ho!

Loretta MacIntosh: And don’t behind the shower curtain, you’ll meet the wonderful wizard of ass!

Officer Sikorsky: Woah! Hey! Macintoshes! C’mon! Good Lord.

(The MacIntoshes return to the front of the desk, with their hands up.)

Officer Sikorsky: You kiss your grandmother with that mouth?

Loretta MacIntosh: Yes he does.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Aww. (Kisses his grandmother affectionately on the forehead and she pats his on the chest)

Loretta MacIntosh: I love you.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: I love you grammie. Alright, we out!

Officer Sikorsky: Uh huh. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. (finds the sneaker on his desk and throws it back.) Good work.

Loretta MacIntosh: Wizard! Of! Ass!

Officer Sikorsky: Hey! Hey! Where you going?

(He follows her out. End of sketch.)

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

An SNL Digital Short

Yuppie….Andy Samberg
Gypsy….Fred Armisen
Girlfriend….Jenny Slate
Psychiatrist….Jason Sudeikis
Wife….Kristen Wiig
Doctor….Bill Hader
Sergio….Jon Hamm

[Opens with a yuppie getting out of an elegant car, talking on the phone]

Yuppie: Uh-huh, yeah, no, I hear what you’re saying Bradley but if she wants to play in the big leagues, she’s going to have to get her hands dirty…

[Yuppie steps on artifact on the sidewalk, a homeless gypsy startles him]

Gypsy: You! You break the sacred talisman.

Yuppie: Maybe you shouldn’t left it lying in the street.

Gypsy: You pay me!

Yuppie: Kiss my ass.

[Gypsy chants gibberish, wind blows, sky darkens]

Gypsy: Sergio! I curse you.

Yuppie: Nice try, buddy. [on the phone] Anyways….[leaves]

[Gypsy gives a maniacal laughter. Cut to an office building, the yuppie is giving a business presentation to a bunch of executives]

Yuppie: Hi, guys. I know numbers are down but if you just apply this system I promise you we’re gonna see revenue sky-rocket. We’re gonna go….

[Winds blows and a shirtless man with a ponytail playing the saxophone bursts through the wall into the meeting, smoke arises, the old executives dig the sax player and dance with him, he shakes his hips while playing the sax.]

Yuppie: Guys, guys? Marcy? Steve?

[Sax guy whips head around]

Sergio: Sergio!

[cut to the yuppie’s apartment at night, romantic evening, he drinks with his girlfriend]

Girlfriend: So, he just came through the wall?

Yuppie: Yeah, it was crazy. There you go. [glass of wine] You look dazzling.

[They go for a kiss and the wind blows, it gets dark and Sergio explodes through the apartment wall, smoke arises, Sergio plays the saxophone while shaking his hips, the girlfriend gets up and joins Sergio dancing around. Sergio whips his head around]

Sergio: Sergio!

[cut to a shrink’s office, the yuppie lies down on the patient’s couch]

Yuppie: I know it sounds crazy but I’m starting to genuinely believe I’ve been cursed by a homeless man.

Psychiatrist: How do you mean?

Yuppie: I broke this trinket and now every time I feel a gust of wind this crazy, sexy sax-guy comes bursting through the wall.

Psychiatrist: So, this are daydreams?

Yuppie: No, I think its actually happening. [winds blows] Oh, no. Not again!

[Psychiatrist closes the window]

Psychiatrist: Oh, sorry. It was a little stuffy in here and I thought I give the window a crack.

Yuppie: [relieved] Oh, no problem.

Psychiatrist: So, where were we?

[Sergio bursts through the wall again. Smoke arises, he plays the sax and the girlfriend still dances around him, he shakes his hips, whips head around]

Sergio: Sergio!

[Yuppie runs in the streets mentally spent, he mumbles, finds the gypsy and gets down on his knees]

Yuppie: You! Please, you have to make it stop!

Gypsy: No! You made your choice. You would not pay!

[Yuppie pays the gypsy]

Yuppie: I’ll pay anything! Please, just lift up the curse!

Gypsy: All right. I will help you. Take this. [gives the little trinket] Mend it. Hang it over your bed. Keep it safe. It will protect you forever.

Yuppie: I will, I will. Thank you, thank you.

[Yuppie mends the trinket and puts it on a nail above his bed]

Caption: 5 years later

[Yuppie runs down a hospital hall with his pregnant wife on a wheelchair]

Yuppie: Hey, just hang on honey. You’re doing great.

Doctor: Nurse! Ready the birthing room!

[cut to the birthing room, wife is in labor]

Yuppie: That’s it. You’re doing great. Just hang in there. I love you.

Wife: I love you too. Oh, by the way, earlier today I accidently knocked your good luck trinket on the floor. [shows the trinket, wind blows] I didn’t know that it fell and I stepped on it really, really hard and I broke it. Sorry, don’t be mad…AAAAHHHH!!!! GOD!!!!

Doctor: Just stay calm and push.

Wife: OOOOHHHH!!!!

Doctor: Here it comes!

[Segio bursts out of the vagina covered in slimy afterbirth playing the sax, shaking his hips, smoke arises. Yuppie screams, wife screams, doctor screams, Sergio whips his head around]

Sergio: Sergio!

[screen goes black]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

February 6th, 2010

Ashton Kutcher

Them Crooked Vultures

None

None

None


On the Record with Greta SusterenSummary: Greta Van Susteren (Kristen Wiig) discusses the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy with Karl Rove (Bobby Moynihan), Oliver North (Will Forte), Robert Gibbs (Bill Hader) and an Attractive Blonde Lady (Abby Elliott).

Recurring Characters: Greta Van Susteren, Karl Rove, Glenn Beck.

Montage

Ashton Kutcher’s MonologueSummary: Ashton Kutcher tries to demonstrate his newfound maturity, but can’t resist the random awesomeness of a dog on a surfboard, dancing old ladies (Abby Elliott, Nasim Pedrad, Jenny Slate) and other temptations.

Gertrude’s WillSummary: Angel the pool boy (Ashton Kutcher) expects a big payoff after 110-year old Gertrude’s death, but only ends up with pool privileges and chlamydia.

Transcript

The ViewSummary: Barbara Walters (Nasim Pedrad) and her subservient co-hosts discuss the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, then rush through an interview with Mel Gibson (Ashton Kutcher).

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Elizabeth Hasselback, Mel Gibson.

Cialis for ThreewaysSummary: The male enhancement aid with room for one more.

Transcript

Slave BoySummary: Roman king (Will Forte) enjoys having grapes fed to him by his slave boy (Ashton Kutcher).

Them Crooked Vultures perform “Mind Eraser, No Chaser”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Liam, the teenager who just woke up (Andy Samberg), is insufficiently refreshed to perform a political commentary about the federal budget. Eliot Spitzer (Bill Hader) reads Valentine’s Day cards. Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson) jokes about the European financial crisis. Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) are insufficiently prepared to perform Valentine’s Day songs.

Recurring Characters: Eliot Spitzer, Jean K. Jean, Garth, Kat.

What is Burn Notice?Summary: The game show’s lone question yields confusing results from its contestants who have never seen the show.

Transcript

Access HollywoodSummary: Billy Bush (Ashton Kutcher) and Anne Hathaway (Abby Elliott) enjoy the endless spiel of Oscar nominations for Best Picture.

Recurring Characters: Billy Bush.

An Even-Tempered Apology From White House Chief of Staff, Rahm EmanuelSummary: Rahm Emanuel (Andy Samberg) spews expletives in response to Sarah Palin’s response to his use of the word “retarded”.

Recurring Characters: Rahm Emanuel.

Transcript

Them Crooked Vultures perform “New Fang”

Crisis of ConformitySummary: Former punk rock bandmates (Fred Armisen, Ashton Kutcher, Dave Grohl, Bill Hader) reunite at the wedding of one of their daughters.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

TooterSummary: Ashton Kutcher promotes the electronic device that allows all his devoted though misguided fans to follow his every fart.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

What is Burn Notice?

Shelly Brick…..Jason Sudeikis
Lucy Madison…..Kristen Wiig
Carl Hubbly…..Will Forte
Ted Mitchell…..Ashton Kutcher
Judges…..Bill Hader, Bobby Moynihan, Jenny Slate

[ open on game show set ]

Announcer: It’s time, once again, for the game show that has America asking the question:

Audience: [ as words appear on screen ] “WHAT!! IS!! BURN!! NOTICE!!”

[ game show host runs onstage ]

Shelly Brick: Hello, everyone! I’m your host, Shelly Brick, and welcome to “What is… Burn Notice”. Let’s meet our contestants. She’s an accountant from Phoenix: Lucy Madison; he’s a contractor from San Diego: Carl Hubbly; and he’s a chiropractor from Torrence: Ted Mitchell. Welcome, everybody. Well, the game is easy. All you have to do is tell me something — anything — that you know about the highly-rated USA Network television show “Burn Notice”. Here’s your first question: [ he reads dramatically from his card ] “What is “Burn Notice”?” [ Lucy chimes in ] Lucy?

Lucy Madison: Yeah, uh — “Burn Notice” is a show… about… uh, a handsome fireman?

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No. No, that is incorrect. Remember: it’s the eighth highest-rated show on cable. [ he shrugs ] But just what is “Burn Notice”? [ Carl chimes in ] Carl?

Carl Hubbly: It’s about a sexy doctor who can start fires with his mind.

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: Very good try. Very good try, but no. No. It’s entering its fourth season. [ he holds up four fingers and waits ] People love it. [ he looks at his card ] “What is “Burn Notice”?” [ Ted chimes in ] Ted?

Ted Mitchell: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I… know it’s on USA —

Shelly Brick: Mmm-hmm?

Ted Mitchell: And I know that characters are welcome there. Sooooo… it’s a show about… characters.

Shelly Brick: Can you be more specific?

Ted Mitchell: No.

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: Sorry. I will remind you that “Burn Notice” is a highly popular program that the New York Post calls: [ reading ] “A lot of fun.” [ he smiles ] But what is it? Alright, let’s see if this visual clue is any help — it’s a commercial for “Burn Notice”. Take a look.

[ various clips of Miami, bikinis, “Everybody Wants You” soundtrack, etc. ]

[ the contestants are stumped ]

Shelly Brick: Anything? Who can tell me literally anything about this immensely popular television show? [ Lucy chimes in ] Yes?

Lucy Madison: Is it… a reality show…? About… sunglasses?

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No.

[ Carl chimes in ]

Carl Hubbly: Is it kind of like “NCIS”?

Shelly Brick: [ hopeful ] Okay — in what way?

Carl Hubbly: [ shaking his head ] I don’t know.

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No. No… [ Ted chimes in ] Yes?

Ted Mitchell: I know! Uhhhh — this is what they play on TVs at Best Buy, to show how good the picture is!

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No. No. I mean — no. As I said before, it’s an actual show… with actual viewers… who follow it and realy care about it. [ Carl chimes in ] Yes?

Carl Hubbly: Is it about the detective team of Michael Burn and Chet Notice?

Shelly Brick: No — that’s not bad. Judges, is that right?

[ cut to the three judges, who shrug without interest ]

Shelly Brick: Yeah! Yeah, they got no idea! Okay, uh — alright! You know, I’m still looking for any tidbit… about “Burn Notice”. THe show the Detroit Free Press called: [ reading ] “Charmingly irreverent.” [ Ted chimes in ] Yes?

Ted Mitchell: Are they in Miami?

[ a dinger goes off ]

Shelly Brick: [ looking around, curiously ] Oh! Oh, my God. I’ve never heard that sound before. You know, I think that means you are CORRECT!! This is alright I — I do not know what happens next, but, uh, I think we’re going to a Speed Round, or something! Where, maybe, we’ll all find out once and for all:

Audience: [ as words appear on screen ] “WHAT!! IS!! BURN!! NOTICE!!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

Cialis For Three Ways

Husband….Ashton Kutcher
Wife….Kristen Wiig
Katie….Jenny Slate
Doctor….Nasim Pedrad

[Opens with a misty landscape overlooking the ocean, a husband and wife inside their bathtubs look on]

Announcer: For yearsm Cialis has been America’s most trusted E.D. solution. In the past we’ve offered you a variety of options. Thirty six hour Cialis. Then Cialis for daily use. And now there’s brand new Cialis for three-ways.

[another bathtub with a girl in it appears next to the married couple]

Where you can be ready when that very rare moment is right. Like, when your wife’s old yoga teacher is in town.

[Wife opens the door, Katie enters, they hug, husband looks at them.]

Say, isn’t she the one your wife told you that story about? Or was it another Katie?

[Excited Katie pulls out a champagne bottle]

Nope, same Katie.

Whether its a special anniversary present or just a partner with low self-esteem —

[Wife drinks and flirts with Katie, husband laughs]

when it falls into your lap, you want your lap to be ready.

[Husband, wife and Katie hold hands]

That’s why Cialis for three-ways has 50% more of the effective ingredient.

[Husband, wife and Katie’s feet are jumbled and bumping in bed]

As well as a powerful anti-depressant to help you cope with the inevitable shame and regret.

[Katie leaves the bed wrapped in a bed sheet ashamed, husband waves bye to her, goes back to sleep with the wife]

There’s also a little Xanax in there to help you make it through the next day’s fallout.

[Husband is tripping balls and the wife is fighting and yelling to him]

So stop asking yourself: “Am I really that kind of person?” And start asking your doctor [Husband is talking with a female doctor] about Cialis for three-ways. Besides, you never know, your doctor might be into it.

[Female doctor takes her glasses off and grabs husband’s hand seductively]

Men who are taking MAOI inhibitors or have to work the next day should not use Cialis for three-ways.

[Husband covers his wife’s eyes, female doctor covers husband’s eyes]

Do not use Cialis for three-ways if the other chick’s dude wants to be there, too. You just, I don’t know, you don’t want any part of that.

[Three toothbrushes in the bathroom]

Cialis for three-ways.

[Husband and wife ride a three-seat bicycle]

Your lucky day, just got luckier.

[The trio look at misty landscape of the ocean from their bathtubs.]

[Cialis for Three-Ways logo]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts