Category: 2012

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Hypnotist

Comedian…..Bill Hader
Tommy Bergamont…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Curtis…..Taran Killam
Sharee…..Vanessa Bayer
Woman in Audience…..Aidy Bryant
Man in Audience…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, Whiskey Pete’s, Las Vegas ]

[ dissolve to interior, stage show ]

Comedian: …Turns out the keys were in my pants the whole time! [ the audience laughs ] Alright, everybody — that’s my set. Next on the Burgundy Room… please welcome the very best hypnotist this side of the strip — Tommy Bergamont! Here he is, alright!

[ Comedian exits the stage, as dramatic music plays and the intense Tommy Bergamont steps out ]

Tommy Bergamont: Thank you. Good evening. I am Thomas Bergamont, and tonight, ladies and gentlemen, what you will see is GUARANTEED to amaze! Now, I’m going to need a victim — I mean, a volunteer. Who will it be?

Sharee: [ grabbing her husband ] Oh, him! Pick him!

Tommy Bergamont: YOU, Sir! The gentlemen avoiding my gaze! Help me get him up here, folks!

[ the crowd cheers Curtis up to the stage ]

Tommy Bergamont: What is your name, friend?

Curtis: [ he shrugs ] Curtis.

Tommy Bergamont: And, Curtis — is this your first time being hypnotized?

Curtis: [ nervously ] Yes, it is!

Tommy Bergamont: Feeling a little nervous with all these people watching you?

Curtis: [ he chuckles ] A little bit, but as my wife, Sharee, will attest… I’ve always been a bit of a ham!

[ in the audience, Sharee laughs and smiles to the others ]

Tommy Bergamont: Well, I’m going to take GOOD care of you, Curtis! Now, have a seat… [ Curtis sits ] and close your eyes. Curtis! Listen only to the sound of my voice. I am going to count backwards from 3… and by the time I reach 1, you will be in a deep trance. Listen to my voice: 3… 2… and 1! Sleep! Pow! [ Curtis hangs his head ] Ladies and gentlemen, Curtis… has been hypnotized!

[ suddenly, Curtis raises his head and smiles at the audience while mouthing, “I’m not hypnotized!” ]

Tommy Bergamont: Curtis, in a moment, I will snap my fingers! You will remember NOTHING of this conversation, but every time you hear the word… “BUFFET”… you will feel the overwhelming desire to act like a dinosaur, a big, ferocious Tyrannosaurus Rex! [ behind him, Curtis laughs ] Do you understand, Curtis?

Curtis: [ he hangs his head ] Yes.

Tommy Bergamont: Very good! And… [ he snaps his finger ] AWAKE!! [ Curtis lifts his head ] Hello, Curtis!

Curtis: Hi.

Tommy Bergamont: Do you remember any of the conversation we just had?

Curtis: Did we… hav a conversation?

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, yes, we did! But it was nothing important! I was telling you how you should try… THE BUFFET!!

[ Curtis jumps to his feet and screeches like a dinosaur ]

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, my! Isn’t he TERRIFYING? I thought he was EXTINCT! [ Curtis bounds and screeches across the stage ] If you ask me… I’d prefer BARNEY! And… [ he snaps his finger ] SLEEP!! POW!! [ Curtis hangs his head ] And just like THAT, ladies and gentlemen… he’s back in a trance!

[ Curtis lifts his head, laughs and mouths, “No, I’m not!” to the audience, then lowers his head ]

Tommy Bergamont: What do you say we have some REAL fun, Curtis? From now on, when you hear the word… PAI-GOW… you will suddenly become very hot. Unbearably hot! So hot, that you will do ANYTHING to cool down! Do you understand, Curtis?

Curtis: Yes.

Tommy Bergamont: Wonderful! And… [ he snaps his finger ] AWAKE!! [ Curtis lifts his head ] And how are you feeling, Curtis?

Curtis: [ he shrugs ] Just fine.

Tommy Bergamont: Well… maybe you should try your luck… at the PAI GOW table!

[ Curtis gasps and quickly unbuttons his shirt ]

Tommy Bergamont: [ he winces ] You okay, Curtis?

Curtis: Yeah… it’s just… very hot… [ he grins sheepishly at the audience from behind his shirt ]

Tommy Bergamont: Curtis! What are you doing?! I don’t think this is very appropriate!

[ Curtis drops his pants ]

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, my! where’s your MODESTY?!

Curtis: It’s so HOT!!

Tommy Bergamont: Curtis! BUFFET!

[ now only in his drawers, Curtis screeches like a dinosaur ]

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, no! Curtis the Dinosaur is back! And THID dinosaur… is looking for a MATE! Aren’t you, Curtis?

[ Curtis screeches, then sniffs his way through the audience ]

Woman in Audience: Oh… oh, please don’t touch me…

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, Curtis — did I forget to tell you… you’re a FEMALE dinosaur?

[ Curtis stops, grimaches, then screeches in the face of a man in the front row ]

Man in Audience: Don’t do it, dude!

Curtis: [ whispering ] I’m not really hypnotized!

Man in Audience: Well — then, shame on YOU!

Curtis: It’s okay!

[ Curtis proceeds to dry-hump the man in the audience ]

Man in Audience: [ horrified ] Hey, man!! This man is not really hypnotized!!

Tommy Bergamont: What’s that you say?

[ Curtis laughs, then returns to the stage ]

Curtis: I’m sorry! I’m not really hypnotized.

Tommy Bergamont: I promise you — you ARE hypnotized!

Curtis: Ask them! I was goofing!

Tommy Bergamont: Curtis! When I snap my fingers, you will reveal your DARKEST secret! [ he snaps his fingers ]

Curtis: [ head down, in a trance ] I’m cheating on my wife with her sister.

[ Curtis lifts his head, horrified. Tommy is pleased. Sharee is also horrified. ]

Curtis: Uh… no! No, no… Sheri! Uh — uh — he TOLD me to say that! I WAS hypnotized! That was part of the show!

Sharee: Well, Happy birthday to ME!!

[ Sharee runs off crying ]

Curtis: No! Sharee! [ to Tommy ] My God! You RUINED my life!! Why?! Why-y-y-y-y?! [ he kneels down and cries ]

Tommy Bergamont: Well… this is unfortunate. But, as you can see, I DID, in fact, hypnotize Curtis!

[ suddenly, Curtis lifts his head and laughs. Sharee steps over and joins him in the joke. ]

Tommy Bergamont: Hopefully, he can repair things with the Missus! But THAT… is the POWER of suggestion!

[ Tommy turns to see Curtis and Sharee laughing at him ]

[ cut to exterior, Whiskey Pete’s ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Live With Kelly & Michael

Kelly Ripa…..Nasim Pedrad
Michael Strahan…..Jay Pharoah
Robert Pattinson…..Bill Hader

Announcer: It’s “Live! with Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan”!

[ dissolve to Kelly and Michael waving from their set ]

Kelly Ripa: [ overly chipper ] Good morning, everyone! Hiiiii!

Michael Strahan: [ stiff and serious ] It is such a NICE morning! It is just so, so GORGEOUS!

Kelly Ripa: It’s been two weeks, and I just have to say: I LOVE my new co-host Michael Strahan! You’re GREAT!! [ she smacks him on the arm ]

Michael Strahan: [ chuckling heartily ] I mean, I am SO happy to BE here! I just can’t believe this is a JOB! You know, I woke up fifteen minutes ago and I’ll be dead asleep again in 45 minutes! You know, it’s like I’m living the life of a rich bear!

Kelly Ripa: I never sleep! One time I shut my eyes for a second and accidentally slept for a year-and-a-half! That’s why I stopped blinking!

Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] I LOVE this girl! Look how SMALL she is! I mean, we look like the poster for “Blind Side”!

Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] Stop it!

Michael Strahan: So, Kelly, how was your weekend?

Kelly Ripa: You know, I took it easy — I shot TWO washer-dryer commercials, packed my kids’ school lunches for an entire school year, did 10,000 push-ups, and went to a gay raid with Anderson Cooper! How about you?

Michael Strahan: [ he shrugs ] Well… I mostly just sat around and busted through the elbows of all my sweaters!

Kelly Ripa: Oh, and don’t forget you and I hung out!

Michael Strahan: Oh, that’s right! I think we have a PICTURE!

[ reveal photo of giant Michael pointing to Kelly in a baby sling around his chest ]

Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] That was so FUN! Although, you are suprisingly HEAVY!

Kelly Ripa: Yeah! I may look small, but I am DENSE as a moon rock! You know, when Andy cohen and I went to the Dead Sea, I sank right to the bottom! [ she shrugs ]

Michael Strahan: I mean, she is the STRONGEST tiniest person I ever met! You know, I just want to put her between my TEETH and carry her HOME!

Kelly Ripa: Quick, Michael! Favorite TV show — on the count of three!

Together: “THE BACHELORETTE”!! [ they high-five one another ]

Michael Strahan: [ holding his hand ] Oh, my God, it’s like slapping a piece of SHEETROCK!

Kelly Ripa: Okay, so we have some headlines to talk about! [ she holds up a newspaper with headline: “Emmy Fever” ] The EMMYS are this Sunday, and I just have to say: I’m EXCITED! [she puts the newspaper down ]

Michael Strahan: [ he grimaces ] Wha… wait. Is that all you’re gonna say?

Kelly Ripa: Yes!

Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] Oh, my GOD! This job is so EASY!!

Kelly Ripa: I know! I know!

Michael Strahan: I can’t believe I got smashed in the head every day for FIFTEEN YEARS while THIS was a JOB!

Kelly Ripa: Right! Why did you do that? Alright, our first guest is the star of the “Twilight” franchise — please welcome Robert Pattinson!

[ Pattinson gloomily steps out and sits beside his hosts ]

Robert Pattinson: Hello. Hello. Thank you for having me. As you can tell, I’m pretty excited to be here.

Kelly Ripa: Robert, a lot of reports are circulating that you and Kristen Stewart are finally back together.

Robert Pattinson: I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here to talk about my movie — “Cosmopolis.”

Kelly Ripa: Oh, THAT reminds me: Later in the show, Bethany Frankel will be showing us som new Cosmo recipes!

Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] Cosmo? That’s AMAZING! At my last job, I had to wear a CUP!

Kelly Ripa: So, Robert… how are you handling all the media attention?

Robert Pattinson: Oh… some days, I’m like… [ he part his hair to one side ] Then other days, I’m like… [ he parts his hair back in the other direction ] And sometimes, I’m all… [ he bunches his hair up the middle ]

Kelly Ripa: You know, Robert… when I’m down in the dumps — which has happened twice — I hit the gym for soem light exercise. That’s how I got these! [ she lifts her shirt to reveal washboard abs ]

Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] I mean, look at us TOGETHER! We’re like that thing in the news when elephants and dogs are FRIENDS!

Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] That is so true! Oh! Robert! Where do you and Kristen see yourselves in… wait. Michael, what is he doing?

Michael Strahan: I don’t know. I think he’s brooding.

[ reveal Pattinson standing against the wall with a pouty face ]

Kelly Ripa: [ hyperventilating ] That is SEXY! Ladies, can you believe I get PAID to DO this?!

Michael Strahan: Hold, on, wait! We’re getting PAID, too?

Kelly Ripa: Yeah!

Michael Strahan: This just keeps getting BETTER! I mean, yesterday Mario Batali made me pasta, and all I had to say was: “Yummmmmmm!!”

Kelly Ripa: When we come back, a musical performance by me and Michael’s favorite band…

Together: TRAIN!!!

Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] I’m gonna get in my P.J.’s!

Kelly Ripa: And…

Together: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

London

Larry Sandusky…..Bill Hader
Chris…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Kenan…..Kenan Thompson
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Hey Dude!…..Mumford and Sons

[ open on three buddies sitting at table in a London pub ]

Larry: Big day tomorrow! You ready?

Chris: I’m ready! Man, I really appreciate you guys flying all the way out here to London!

Kenan: Hey, man — You’re marrying a British girl, we get to try some British beers… that’s a win-win!

[ Jason steps forward ]

Jason: Did somebody say “beers”?

[ everyone excitedly grabs a beer ]

Jason: I tell you what, man — I am DIGGING the vibe of this place! London, England ROCKS! And I don’t know if you guys saw this, but it looks like they’ve got a cool Beatles cover band playing tonight.

[ the cover band, Hey Dude!, starts their set ]

Lead Singer: Good evening, everybody! We’re Hey, Dude! This first one goes out to Chris, who we heard is getting married tomorrow.

[ the buddies cheer ]

Chris: Did you guys do this?

Jason: Sure did!

Lead Singer: This one’s for you, Chris.

[ the band breaks into The Beatles’ “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away” ]

Chris: Aw, that’s my favorite song!

Jason: I know!

Chris: Thanks so much!

Jason: Absolutely!

Chris: So — how’s everybody’s trip been?

Jason: Hmm… Well, me and my lady had a little bit of a tough time getting through Customs. They ended up searching both of us and going through our bags. It got pretty intense?

Larry: They find anything?

Jason: Uh, yeah. Yeah. They found my girlfriend’s vibrator. Accidentally got switched on at some point during the flight, and they thought it might have been a BOMB or something.

Chris: Wow! So, then, did everyone around you see it?

Jason: [ laughing ] No! No! Thank God, no! They had to take us to a private room to, uh… to pull it out of my ass!

Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”

Jason: But the BATTERY is still in there!

Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”

Chris: [ to KT ] So, you’ve been in London for a while now, right?

Kenan: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All summer.

Jason: You having fun?

Kenan: Absolutely!

Jason: Oh, yeah? What, have you got a few ladies in the mix?

Kenan: Maybe! [ the guys chuckle mischieviously ] Seriously, though — I’ve been getting ladies up and down this city. I mean, it’s so much easier than back home, especially with these foreign girls. I was with this Croatian chick last night who was crazy about me.

Jason: Mmm.

Kenan: I mean, maybe not me. I told her I came here to be in the Olympics… and I never left.

Larry: Hey, man, that lady’s gonna be disappointed when she finds out you’re not an athlete.

Kenan: I know. She’s gonna be even MORE disappointed when she finds out that Michael Phelps is WHITE!

Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”

Kenan: [ holding up a CD with ribbon tied to it ] And THIS ain’t no gold medal!

Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”

Larry: You know what this song reminds me of?

Jason: Mmm-mmm.

Larry: My dad. He was a huge, HUGE Beatles fan. He got me into them as well. When I was a kid, he always said he’d take me to London, walk Abbey Road… but it never happened. He was always busy, wither with work or some charity stuff… he just never had time for me.

Kenan: Oh, that’s too bad, man…

Larry: It’s ironic, ’cause, six years later, I’M the busy one… and he’s got all the time in the world.

Jason: Oh, yeah — “Cat’s in the Cradle”, man!

Kenan: You should have brought him on this trip.

Larry: I can’t do that, he’s… he’s in JAIL. Yeah, just another day in the life of LARRY SANDUSKY!

Jason: Yeahhhhh!

Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”

Larry: My dad is JERRY Sandusky!

Jason: Yeah, I know!

Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”

Chris: Man, I LOVE The Beatles! You know, I’ve been tying to get my nephew into them…

Jason: Ah! Now, see — THAT’S a good uncle! How old’s this kid?

Chris: 11. His parents aren’t around any more, so he came to live with me and Lori.

Larry: That’s a big change for you guys.

Chris: Yeah! And, honestly, I didn’t like having him around at first, it was kind of a BURDEN. But we’ve started doing al this stuff together…

Jason: That’s good!

Chris: Yeah, he’s got this adventerous spirit! We started going to ball games and museusm, and I asked him: If he could go anywhere, where would it be? So he said, “Mexico”, and I said, “Alright, let’s do it!”

Jason: Nice! How did he like it?

Chris: It’s hard to say. I put him on a bus three months ago, and I haven’t seen him since!

Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”

Chris: He sent me a letter — I did NOT open it!

Everyone: [ singing ]
“Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!
Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!
Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!
Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!
Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away…!!”

[ the buddies and the cover band stand up to sing and dance through the audience, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Monologue

…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Audience Member #1…..Aidy Bryant
Audience Member #2…..Kenan Thompson
Audience Member #3…..Cecily Strong
Audience Member #4…..Nasim Pedrad
Dancer #1…..Jay Pharoah
Dancer #2…..Taran Killam
Dancer #3…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Joseph Gordon-Levitt!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: It is so great to be here, back hosting “Saturday Night Live!” You know, this year has been so amazing! I’ve been lucky to be in some great movies….. I have the movie “Looper” coming out. In that movie, I play a young version of Bruce Willis — so I guess I play Ashton Kutcher. I was also in “The Dark Knight Rises.”

But, you know what my favorite superhero movie of the summer was? “Magic Mike” — I’m serious, my friend Channing Tatum was so great in that. You know what my favorite part of “Magic Mike” was? This part!

[ Joseph rips of his suit and is now draped in only a vest, trousers, and fedora. The Weather Girls’ “It’s Raining Men” starts playing. AUDIENCE MEMBERS 1-3 are in glee. Joseph gyrates his pelvis while twirling an umbrella. He then proceeds to do push-ups and removes his fedora. ]

[ ENTER DANCERS 1-3. All are dressed in the same manner as Joseph. Everyone removes their vest to show their bare chest except Bobby, who’s wearing a smaller vest underneath his previous vest. ]

[ Joseph notices a FOURTH AUIDENCE MEMBER and makes his way over to her. He’s holding a Cosmopolitan drink and excited to see him. Joseph grinds her face into her crotch so hard she spills her drink. ]

[ Bobby hands Joseph a confetti cannon and he fires it into the audience. ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: We got a great show tonight! Mumford and Sons are here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Powers Realty

Burt Powers…..Tim Robinson
Blair Powers…..Nasim Pedrad
Carmine Powers…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt

[ open on TV advertisement screen of open-mouthed couple ]

Announcer: If you’re looking for a home, look no further than Powers Realty.

[ dissolve to Burt and Blair Powers ]

Burt Powers: Hi! We’re real estate team Burt and Blair Powers, from POWERS Realty!

Blair Powers: You’ve seen our ads around town.

Burt Powers: When you come to us and ask us to find the home of your dreams, WE! COME! THROUGH!

Blair Powers: But now, we have something to ask you.

Burt Powers: [ he sighs ] Please stop drawing butts and weiners on our advertisements!

Blair Powers: Please!

Burt Powers: You may not know it, but it hurts my feelings when I see my wife of twelve years going to town on a floating shaf and balls.

Blair Powers: We’re trying to find you a home. Don’t mar the experience by drawing the seeds of man splattered on my face. That’s not fun!

Burt Powers: We know we are partially to blame. We took the pictures with our mouthes WIDE OPEN, as if to say… “Put something AWFUL in here!”

Blair Powers: Awful things, like: [ reveal montage of marred advertisements ] Big weiners. Little weiners. A squadron of tiny airplanes that are shaped like weiners. And my husband and I having an absurd conversation about our hunger for balls.

Burt Powers: Come on, folks! There’s a time and a place for that!

Blair Powers: Nowhere and NEVER! So don’t give my husband a black eye and then imply that he got being pistol-whipped by a ding-dong! First of all, don’t… second of all, don’t!

Burt Powers: Let’s talk about our bus picture on 24th Street outside the Yogurt Land. That thing is a disaster!

Blair Powers: You know the one. It suggests that my husband poops gold coins and then those gold coins somehow find their way into my mouth and I enjoy them for dinner — No, I don’t!

Burt Powers: Don’t do it!

Blair Powers: Don’t do it! You’re hurting our whole family. [ Teenager comes into position ] Meet our poor son, Carmine. He hates it!

Burt Powers: Tell them what you saw outside your school, Carm-Carm!

Carmine Powers: Yeah, I… well, I saw my Mom with poop on her head, Dad with a big foot, Mom with a weiner, Dad with a thought bubble that says “I’m coocoo for ponopuffs”, Mom eating a fart, Dad eating a wang sandwich, And both of them playing Penis Tennis at Wimbledong.

Burt Powers: Folks, that was all on ONE billboard! What’s wrong with YOU?!

[ in the background, Carmine proceeds to draw more weiners on his parents’ poster ]

Burt Powers: So, if you want to take a ride to your dream home and, uh…

[ suddenly, time runs short and we dissolve straight to the night’s final bumper ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Tres Equis

Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Companion…..Kate McKinnon

(A Lothario type with a white suit and a rather pathetic goatee struts into a bar.)

Announcer: He can make a woman cringe, just by entering a room.

(The man fires his fingers like a gun at two beautiful women, who cringe and look away. He sidles up to one and she walks away in disgust.)

He owns five different styles of fedora.

(In his bathroom, the man tries on different fedoras, finding one he approves of.)

When he orders at Starbucks, he always gives a fake name.

(A Barista hands him a cup, which he proudly displays as being labeled “King Dong.”)

He claims he dated a model, but her only modeling work was an ad for her dad’s Car dealership, and they never had sex.

(He lovingly caresses a framed portrait of a woman, nodding self-satisfactorally)

He can sort of break-dance.

(He does, for an unimpressed-looking woman.)

And he accidentally sent a photo of his penis to the guy who just delivered his chinese food.

He is…the Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World.

(The Man sits at a bar, with a Tres Equis beer, next to a very bored looking blonde companion.)

Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer “Tres Equis.” It’s one equis better than my dad’s beer, because he was never there for me. It’s two parts “Dos Equis” and one part none of your business. (Raising his beer in a toast) Keep Bangin’, my friends.

Announcer: Tres Equis. That means “Triple X,” homies.

Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: (Toasting) To boobies!

Submitted by: Ted Zoldan

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Tres Equis II

Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Companion…..Kate McKinnon
The Most Interesting Man in the World…..Jason Sudeikis

(The Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World practices Martial arts [poorly] in front of the Mirror.)

Announcer: He’s got a white belt in Judo, and Tae Kwon Do.

(In Bed, he reads “The Firm”)

He has a first edition…of every John Grisham Novel.

(Sitting in a Cafe, he writes ” -2.00″ in the tip line and hands it to his server.)

When he tips, he puts a negative amount, and says it’s Cashback.

(He sits in bed, strumming a guitar with two other guitars visable in the frame.)

He has multiple parody Twitter accounts.

(An account pops up under the name “Dildo Baggins.”)

And he can almost do a 180 on his Razor Scooter

(He tries and fails to achieve this.)

(He sits at a bar, with a Tres Equis beer, next to a very bored looking blonde companion.)

Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: I am not only the Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World…I AM the most Interesting-

(His father, the Most Interesting Man in the World, storms in angrily.)

The Most Interesting Man in the World: WHAT THE HELL? What in the Hell is this? Are you kidding me? Is this really happening?

Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: Get out of here, Dad! I’m doing a beer ad.

The Most Interesting Man in the World: Really? What, and who is this? One of your Prostitutes?

Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: So?

The Most Interesting Man in the World: So? Who is paying for her?

Companion: He said you are.

The Most Interesting Man in the World: Oh, did he?

Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: I didn’t say that! I never said that!

The Most Interesting Man in the World: THIRTY YEARS OLD! Son, you are thirty years old!

Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: You should be proud of me! I’m an entrepreneur!

The Most Interesting Man in the World: Oh, he’s an entrepreneur! Like how you managed those rappers?

Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: Those are my friends!

The Most Interesting Man in the World: THEY STOLE FROM YOU! (Noticing the bottle) And what is this? “Tres Equies?!”

Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: Yes!

The Most Interesting Man in the World: “Tres Equies!” I could get sued for this! (He hurles the bottle off-screen, where it shatters) YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: I HAVE NO INCOME!

The Most Interesting Man in the World: Get out of my house! Get out of my basement! You-

Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: (Suddenly snapping) ONE SWIM MEET! YOU COULDN’T COME TO JUST ONE OF MY SWIM MEETS!

The Most Interesting Man in the World: Oh, Swim Meet? (To the Camera) He didn’t even make the team! You Pussy! You swam two laps, and then you puked like a dog! They had to drain the pool!

Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: (Storming off) I’m telling Mom!

The Most Interesting Man in the World: Oh, well good luck figuring out who the FUCK she is!

Announcer: (over a shot of the beer) Tres Equis. Spanish for Excellence.

(The Most Interesting Man In the World takes a sip, then spits it out.)

The Most Interesting Man in the World: This tastes like shit.

Submitted by: Ted Zoldan

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Low-Information Voters Of America

Undecided Voter #1 (Catherine)…..Cecily Strong
Undecided Voter #2 (David)…..Taran Killam
Undecided Voter #3 (Andrea)…..Nasim Pedrad
Undecided Voter #4 (Jonathan)…..Bill Hader
Undecided Voter #5 (Ben)…..Tim Robinson
Undecided Voter #6 (Sarah)…..Vanessa Bayer
Undecided Voter #7 (Albert)…..??

[SUPER: “This election will determine the future of our country. And this election will be determined by the Undecided Voter.”]

Undecided Voter #1: It seems that more than 96% of voters have already made up their minds about this election. Well, I guess some of us are just a little bit harder to please. We’re not impressed by political spin or thirty second sound bites. Before you get our vote, you’re going to have to answer some questions. Questions like…

[dissolve to undecided voter #2]

Undecided Voter #2: [Over TEXT] When is the election? How soon do we have to decide?

[dissolve to undecided voter #3]

Undecided Voter #3: [Over TEXT ] What are the names of the two people running? And be specific.

[dissolve to undecided voter #4]

Undecided Voter #4: [Over TEXT] Who is the president right now? Is he or she running? Because if so, experience is maybe something we should consider.

[dissolve to undecided voters #5 and #6]

Undecided Voter #5: [Over TEXT] How long is a president’s term of office? One year? Two years? Three years? Or life? [camera moves over to show the man’s wife]

Undecided Voter #6: Because if it’s for life, frankly, we’re not comfortable with that. We don’t need to be electing a dictator. [dissolve to another undecided voter]

Undecided Voter #7: What happens if the president dies? Has anyone thought about who would replace him? What’s your plan, gentlemen?

[dissolve back to undecided voter #3]

Undecided Voter #3: [Over TEXT] Can women vote? Because if not, as a woman, I’ve got a big problem with that. And by the way, if men can’t vote, in my opinion, that’s just as wrong.

[dissolve back to undecided voter #4]

Undecided Voter #4: [Over TEXT] We hear a lot about our dependence on foreign oil, but just what is oil? And what is it used for?

[dissolve back to undecided voter #2]

Undecided Voter #1: [Over TEXT] Can a woman have a baby just from French kissing?

[dissolve back to undecided voter #5]

Undecided Voter #5: [Over TEXT] If you burp, fart, and sneeze at the same time, will you die?

[dissolve back to undecided voter #7]

Undecided Voter #5: [Over TEXT] Where’s my power cord?

[dissolve back to undecided voter #1]

Undecided Voter #1: We are America’s undecided voters. There’s still a lot we don’t know.

[cut to view of all undecided voters]

All: And we want answers!

Announcer: [Over TEXT] “Low-information voters of America is responsible for the content of this advertising.

Submitted by: Adam Rapfogel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 3


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 6th, 2012

Daniel Craig

Muse

None

Chris Parnell

None
First Presidential DebateSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) is severely disoriented during his first Presidential debate aganst Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, President Barack Obama, Mitt Romney.

Transcript

Montage

Daniel Craig’s MonologueSummary: Having now starred in three James Bond films, Daniel Craig presents an “In Memorium” of the many bad guys he’s killed in his films.

Construction WorkersSummary: Jack (Daniel Craig) keeps making unsophisticated comments while trying to fit in with his fellow lewd construction workers.

Transcript

Bond 50Summary: The ultimate James Bond Blu-Ray collection features a bevy of babes and unlikely Bond girls from throughout the 50-year franchise.

Recurring Characters: Jodie Foster, Ellen Degeneres, Penny Marshall.

Three Days Later: A Look Back at the Obama Debate DisasterSummary: The liberal news media tries desperately to spin President Barack Obama’s poor performance at the first Presidential debate.

Recurring Characters: Rachel Maddow, Al Sharpton, Chris Matthews.

Transcript

Long Island MediumSummary: Theresa Caputo (Kate McKinnon) spiritually connects with the dead for her fellow Long Islanders.

Transcript

Mars MissionSummary: Kirby (Bobby Moynihan) annoys his fellow space crew members by getting misty about the pet kitty cat he left behind on Earth.

Muse performs “Madness”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers outlines the Winners and Losers of this week’s Presidential debate. Big Bird comments on his newfound celebrity status since being mentioned by Mitt Romney at the Presidential debate. Cecilia Giminez (Kate McKinnon) defends her forgery of a painting of Jesus.

Transcript

A Sorry Lot We AreSummary: In a long-running BBC comedy series, a group of losers (Daniel Craig, Bill Hader, Bobby Moynihan) hang out at the pub and mull over their sorry lot in life.

Transcript

Loving CoupleSummary: Carl (Daniel Craig) is eager to show off his new girlfriend Regine (Fred Armisen) and their extraneous devotion to one another to his unsuspecting friends.

Muse performs “Panic Station”

Low-Information Voters Of AmericaSummary: America’s undecided voters have an extensive collection of unreleated questions to ask about this year’s Presidential election.

Note: Repeat from 12b.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts