Category: 2012

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 1

12a: Seth MacFarlane / Frank Ocean

Eastwood and Chair

Clint Eastwood…..Bill HaderAudience Member #1…..Bobby Moynihan
Audience Member #2…..Vanessa Bayer
Audience Member #3…..Tim Robinson
Audience Member #4…..Jay Pharoah
Audience Member #5…..Taran Killam

[ open on footage of audiences laughing ]

Announcer: Do you love cutting edge political satire? Do you like to laugh — AND think?

[ cut to silhoette ]

Announcer: Then you absolutely CAN’T miss… [ the silhoette lights up, revealing… ] Clint Eastwood! [ Eastwood snarls ] …and Chair! [ reveal a chair ]

[ cut to performance footage ]

Announcer: The comedy duo that ROCKED the Republican Convention is thaking their act on the road! [ reveal Eastwood with whoopie cushion on chair ] It’s two full hours of high-wasted hijinx!

[ cut to Eastwood arguing with the chair ]

Clint Eastwood: What do you mean, “Shut up”? Why don’t YOU shut up?! [ he laughs ] You want me to do what to myself? I don’t think so, Bub! [ he laughs ] what?! No, no, you — no, YOU go first! no, no, no — YOU go first! Jinx!

[ cut to Eastwood throwing juggling pins at the chair ]

Announcer: No script! No set tour dates! No predetermined theaters! Just American legend Clint Eastwood performing one half of a conversation with an invisible, irritated, and foul-mouthed Barack Obama. It’s the show audiences are giving a sitting ovation.

[ Eastwood pretends to sit on the invisible Obama ]

[ cut to Audience Member #1 ]

Audience Member #1: Oh, my god, I loved it ALL! Even the middle 45 minutes when it was JUST the chair on stage, while Clint stood in the back and ate a whole rotisserie chicken!

[ cut to Audience Members #2 and #3 ]

Audience Members #2 and #3: We give it… TWO PANTS UP!!

[ cut to Audience Member #4 ]

Audience Member #4: Man… what the fuck is that?!

[ cut to Eastwood initiating a wave with the chair ]

Announcer: And Obama isn’t the only politician in the Hot Seat! Don’t miss Clint taking it to Jimmy Carter!

Clint Eastwood: Nice work on those hostages! That turned out GREAT!

Announcer: Mayor Michael Bloomberg!

Clint Eastwood: Just let people eat soda!!

Announcer: And Chris Christie.

Clint Eastwood: I think we’re gonna need a bigger chair! [ he laughs ]

Announcer: And, of course — there’s the music.

Clint Eastwood: [ singing ] “You say potato…” [ he holds the microphone over the chair ] “Potato!” [ he holds the microphone over the chair ] “Potato! Let’s call the whole thing off!” Ladies and gentlemen — Mr. Jon Voight! [ a desk chaier rolls forward ]

Announcer: It’s “Eastwood and Chair”!

[ cut to Audience Member #5 ]

Audience Member #5: Whoop! Chair it is!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 1

12a: Seth MacFarlane / Frank Ocean

Goodnights

…..Seth MacFarlane

Seth MacFarlane: Alright! Thanks to Frank Ocean! John Mayer! Psy! This has been AWESOME! Thanks to the cast, the crew, the writers of “Saturday Night Live”, you guys are the BEST! Good night, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 1

12a: Seth MacFarlane / Frank Ocean

Democratic Rally

Aide…..Fred Armisen
President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Paul Ryan…..Taran Killsm

[ open on Democratic Rally — Toledo, Ohio ]

Aide: …So, this November, we the people of Ohio are going to go to the polls and we’re going to move this country forward. Now, it is my distinct honor to introduce the President of the United States — hey, I wouldn’t want his job, huh! [ he chuckles ] Ladies and gentlemen — Barack Obama!

[ President Barack Obama steps out, shakes hands with his aide, then takes the podium ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! It’s so great to be back here in Ohio. And, before we start — Sasha, Malia, go to bed. I do that to remind you that I have two adorable young daughters… and not five creepy adult sons. [ he scans the room ] Well, Election Day is near, and things aren’t great. Uhhh… the economy’s in the tank… uhhh… the job market’s horrible… uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and now even my foreign policy is under attack. But there is something I want you to know: I’m not worried! Not in the least. Should be. Uhhhh… Seems like I would be, but, uh, I’m not. And I’ll tell you why. Our campaign has a secret weapon. And that secret weapon is speaking right now in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Let’s take a look.

[ cut to Mitt Romney at a separate campaign rally ]

Mitt Romney: Hello, I’m Mitt Romney. And I understand the hardships facing ordinary Americans. For example, this summer one of my horses failed to medal at the Olympics. So I know hardship!

[ return to Obama ]

President Barack Obama: Isn’t he great? Now, I know I’m not perfect. Uhhh… I’m distant. Uhhh… I’m aloof. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh… I’m overconfident. But… wouldn’t you be overconfident if your only competition Was this?

[ cut back to Romney ]

Mitt Romney: Now, let’s be honest, okay? Nobody here wants gay marriage! Alright? Nobody! [ he points into the audience ] Isn’t that right, sir? Oh, you are gay? Oh. So that’s why you’re wearing the beret, I see. Okay. Oh, you’re in the Army? Well… thank you for your service — your gay service!

[ return to Obama ]

President Barack Obama: He makes me laugh! And it’s nice to have something to laugh about right now, because people are out of work. They’re living with their parents, collecting junk. It’s like we got a “Sanford & Son” economy. [ he begins to sing the “Sanford & Son” theme ] You remember that? It’s THAT bad! But, hey — at least I’m being honest! Speaking of which… let’s check in on Paul Ryan!

[ cut to Paul Ryan at a separate campaign rally ]

Paul Ryan: I said I could do 100 sit-ups in five seconds. What I meant was… I could do five sit-ups eventually. Don’t worry, that doesn’t make me a liar. I’m just terrible with numbers. Now let’s talk budget!

[ return to Obama ]

President Barack Obama: [ he rubs lint off his shoulder ] That’s incredible! So, America, I know you’re not in love with me any more. But I want you to know that my heart still beats for you. And I can prove it. [ singing ] Uhhhh, I… I’m so in love with you!” That was fun, right? So… do you want that… orrrr this?

[ cut back to Romney ]

Mitt Romney: [ singing ] “E-I-E-I-O!” [ he laughs heartily ] Hey, how about that? That’s called “Old MacDonald Had A Farm”. Pretty groovy song, huh? I’m sorry I didn’t know all the animal noises. Hey, speaking of music, huh — [ glances down at black man ] Hey, speaking of music — this guy right here looks like a young Lou Rawls! Huh? See this gentlemen right here? [ he leans down ] “Who’s Lou Rawls?” Why, he’s, uh, an African-American who looks just like you! I mean… no, not that I mean… hey! High Five! [ he raises his hand over the man’s head ] Oh. Oh, you don’t have arms. Okay. [ he taps the man’s head ] There you go!

[ return to Obama ]

President Barack Obama: The man is a Christmas miracle! So, there’s your choice, America. Stick with what’s been barely working… or take your chances with that. So, go to the debates, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 1

12a: Seth MacFarlane / Frank Ocean

Obama For America

President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Dan Whitehead…..Bill Hader
Raymond McCoy…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on President Barack standing in front of American flag, with SUPER: “Obama/Biden” ]

President Barack Obama: I’m Barack Obama, and I approved this message. Uhhhh… but I’m not real proud of it.

[ dissolve to Dan Whitehead testimonial ]

Dan Whitehead: I don’t think Mitt Romney understands what he’s done to people’s lives by closing this plant. I don’t think he even cares.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney still photo ]

Announcer: [ over TEXT ] “Mitt Romney and Bain Capital made millions for themselves, and then closed this steel plant.”

Dan Whitehead: Not long after I lost my job, my wife went in for major heart surgery… and Mitt Romney stopped by the hospital to tell us we no longer had health insurance. As he was talking, we could see he had a really bad cold. He was coughing and sneezing and everything, and I said to him, “My wife is SICK! Would you mind coering your mouth if you’re going to be doing that>

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney still photo ]

Announcer: [ over TEXT ] “Mitt Romney didn’t even have the decency to cover his mouth while sneezing.”

Dan Whitehead: I mean, come on! My wife just had heart surgery, and now she’s gonna get your cold, too?

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney still photo, with TEXT: “What a dick!” ]

[ Dan shakes his head ]

[ cut to Raymond McCoy ]

Raymond McCoy: After Bain Capital shut down the mill… I was out of work for a year.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney still photo ]

Announcer: [ over TEXT ] “mitt romney and Bain Capital bought the textile mill where Raymond had worked for 18 years, then shut it down.”

Raymond McCoy: It was really hard on my family. Finally, I got a job at a piano factory, at half my old salary. Then Bain bought that company, and I got laid off again. Next, I got work as a trucker. But then Bain came along, bought the trucking company, and then I lost that job, too. I then got hired part-time at an Orange Julius — until Bain obtained THAT franchise and shut it down! now, not the whole company, you understand. Just that one store. And that’s when I said to myself, “What the hell is going on here?” Finally, I got a job at a shoeshine stand… under an assumed name… working just for tips. But Bain somehow found out, bought the business, and moved it to China! That’s when I knew! It’s not a coincidence.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney still photo ]

Announcer: [ over TEXT ] “Each time Raymond McCoy got a new job, Mitt Romney and Bain Capital would buy the company, apparently for the sole purpose of laying him off.”

Dan Whitehead: Mitt Romney was there in the hospital room, where he kept insisting on shaking our hands, just to show there’s no hard feelings and all of that. Then I noticed he had this… [ he taps his mouth ] cold sore.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney still photo ]

Announcer: [ over TEXT ] “Mitt Romney probably gave Dan’s wife herpes.”

Dan Whitehead: I wonder does he ever think about other people? That’s just so inconsiderate!

Announcer: [ over TEXT ] “Obama For America is responsible for the content of this adverisement.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 1

12a: Seth MacFarlane / Frank Ocean

Introduction to Puppetry

Instructor/Gooby the Puppet…..Seth MacFarlane
Jeff/Ranger Robby the Puppet…..Kenan Thompson
Bonnie/Nikki the Puppet…..Vanessa Bayer
Anthony Peter Coleman/Tony the Puppet…..Bill Hader

(A arts classroom. The instructor, with a goofy-looking blue puppet on his arm, welcomes back his class, comprised of two friendly looking students and Anthony, a sullen middle-aged man with long hair, sunglasses and an army jacket.)

Instructor: Hello everyone and welcome back to “Introduction to Puppetry!” We had a fun morning making our puppets, now let’s see if we can bring them to life, alright? (Referencing his puppet) I’m going to call this guy here “Gooby!” Alright, let’s try and figure out what Gooby’s voice sounds like. Like maybe he’s a little dopey (As Gooby, In a dopey voice) I’m not dopey you’re dopey! (Mock outraged) Hey! (As Gooby, now with a french accent) Maybe I am from Quebec zo I zound like zis, no? (As himself) Okay, that’s really fun. (The two students nod happily. Anthony does not.) The point is, try and find a voice that you connect with. Alright, so why don’t you introduce yourselves again, and let’s meet your puppets!

Jeff: Okay (holds up his puppet, who is dressed as a forest ranger) Hi, I’m Jeff (as his puppet, in a goofy voice): and Howdy! I’m Ranger Robby! (He immediately drops the character) You know what, can I change that? I already want to change it.

Instructor: That’s fine, we’re just feeling things out. How about you?

Bonnie: Hi, I’m Bonnie (as her puppet, a blonde valley girl type) And I’m Nikki, and I’m like totally into shopping, like shop to you drop, Da da da dada daaaaa! Charge it!

(She laughs at her own joke, as does the Instructor.)

Instructor: (A bit forced) Hahaha, that’s fun, Nikki. And you?

Anthony: (with a deep, gravelly voice and a thousand-yard stare.) My name is Anthony Peter Coleman, formerly Private first class, United States Army. Dishonorable discharge, May 19th, 1983.

Instructor: Okay and Anthony, what is your Puppet’s name.

(Anthony holds up his puppet, an exact duplicate of himself.)

Anthony: Tony.

Instructor: And can we hear a little bit about Tony?

(Anthony glances at his puppet, seemingly conferring with it.)

Anthony: (To the Puppet) Go ahead. Tell ’em what happened. (As his Puppet, but with the exact same voice and demeanor) There was a rebel village five clicks down the road. Word came down from top brass: make it disappear. We…we didn’t know any better. We were…we were kids. I watched myself pick up the flamethrower…I just…went…off. (Tony the Puppet begins trembling and reveals he has a cigarette in his hand.)

Instructor: Well, let’s not get too deep into our backstories just yet. Like…like maybe start with some fun, silly facts like (As Gooby, in a silly voice) I have a sweet tooth! (As himself) What about you, Ranger?

Jeff: (As Ranger Robby, in a whinny nasal voice) Well, my nose is ticklish! (Again he immediately drops the character) Can I change that? I really want to.

Instructor: You’re fine, absolutely. How about you, Nikki?

Nikki the Puppet: Well, I’m like super into my phone! Texting texting texting! LOL!

(Bonnie Laughs, as do Jeff and the Instructor, when Tony the Puppet slides into frame next to Nikki.)

Tony the Puppet: Nobody was laughing out loud that day in Grenada! But many people were saying OMG. Me, I was saying TTYL to my innocence.

Instructor: You know, let’s just kind of hit the reset button here and give our puppets totally new identities, alright? (As Gooby, now with a thick Brooklyn accent) Like, Maybe I’m a real New Yorker. Pizza! Fuggedaboudit! (As himself) Anthony, do you want to try a completely different character for Tony?

Anthony: (after a moment of thought.) Okay. (As the puppet, with exactly the same flat, monotone delivery he has used the entire sketch.) I like texting. Shop till you drop. Da da da dada da. Charge it.

Instructor: That’s kind of Bonnie’s character, though, isn’t it? You maybe want to try something else?

Anthony: Alright. (As the Puppet, with a gentle southern accent.) I’m Clark, and I like Biscuits and Waffles!

Instructor: That’s great! Tell us more about Clark!

Tony the Puppet: (Back to his normal voice.) He was another grunt in my platoon! Together, we went from house to house, spraying liquid death!

(The puppet takes a long, shaky pull on his cigarette. Smoke emerges from his mouth, to the visible shock of Jeff and Ranger Robby and the obvious discomfort of the instructor.)

Instructor: Uh, Okay. Listen, why don’t we have these guys act out some scenes? Like maybe my guy, maybe he’s a real nerd and he can say:

Gooby the Puppet: (now as a squeaky-voiced nerd) Hey Ranger! Can you tell me where in this forest I can plug in my laptop?

Ranger Robby the Puppet: Right over here!

Tony the Puppet: (Getting in Ranger Robby’s face) You guys are friends. That’s nice. I had a friend in Granada. I called him “Little Tater.” One night he wouldn’t stop screaming. He was going to give away our position. (Grabbing Ranger Robby around the mouth) I covered up his mouth and…choked him out.

(Ranger Robby begins struggling in Tony’s lethal embrace.)

Instructor: Ok, guys! Guys! Guys! Let’s go ahead and break it up. I’m glad you guys are getting it, but please, do not act out any murder scenarios with each other’s puppets. Now, It’s been a while since we’ve heard from Nikki.

Nikki the Puppet: Yeah guys! I’m, like, right here. Doesn’t, like, anyone see me?

Tony the Puppet (Uncomfortably close to Nikki) I clocked you the minute I walked in the door. You look like this one hooker in Grenada.

Nikki the Puppet: You’re like, intense!

Tony the Puppet: Is that what you like, Daddy’s girl?

(The Puppets begin kissing. Eventually Anthony pushes Tony out of the way and begins making out with Nikki the Puppet himself, ending up in a three-way make-out session with both puppets.)

Instructor: Ok…see, it looks like they’re having sex. Let’s take five, everyone and when we come back, we’ll talk about perfecting your puppet’s hat!

(the sketch fades out)

Submitted by: Ted Zoldan

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 1

12a: Seth MacFarlane / Frank Ocean

Wooden Spoon Warehouse

Ezekiel Yoder…..Seth MacFarlane
Elijah Yoder…..Tim Robinson

[ open on Ezekiel and Elijah Yoder holding wooden spoons ]

Elijah Yoder: I’m Elijah Yoder.

Ezekiel Yoder: And I’m Ezekiel Yoder.

Elijah Yoder: Our family has been making and trading wooden spoons for over 100 summers!

Ezekiel Yoder: And now, thanks to a conversation my brother had with a fast-talking concrete-dwellin’ man, you can now purchase our wooden spoons on something called… Internet.

Elijah Yoder: To see our wooden spoons, just select these symbols on your light box!

[ they hold up the web address “www.woodenspoonwarehouse.com” on a sign ]

Ezekiel Yoder: Double valley, Double valley, Double valley. Time freckle. Double valley, Owl’s eyes, Stringless harp, Broken ladder, Hurt snake, Fine snake, Fat snake, Owl’s eyes, Hurt snake, Double valley, Lean-to, Fat snake with a sex penis, Broken ladder, Horse bridge, Child’s toy, Bull scrotum, The river what took my son… [ he bows his head ] The three-fingered man dot com.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


September 22nd, 2012

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Mumford and Sons

None

None

None
Live With Kelly & MichaelSummary: Kelly Ripa (Nasim Pedrad) gabs with her new permanent morning bo-host Michael Strahan (Jay Pharoah).

Recurring Characters: Kelly Ripa.

Transcript

Montage

Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s MonologueSummary: Joseph Gordon-Levitt is excited about his recent slate of movies, but is most stoked about Channing Tatum’s role in “Magic Mike” and performs his own version of the “It’s Raining Men” sequence.

Transcript

Low-Information Voters Of AmericaSummary: America’s undecided voters have an extensive collection of unreleated questions to ask about this year’s Presidential election.

Transcript

Tres EquisSummary: Son of the world’s most interesting man (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) lives vicariously in his father’s shadow.

Transcript

Private EyeSummary: Private eye Sam Flint (Bill Hader) has tailed his Mr. Morelli’s (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) cheating wife, but only has hand-drawn caricatures to prove it.

Transcript

Tres Equis IISummary: Son of the world’s most interesting man (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) gets into a heated argument with his absentee father (Jason Sudeikis).

Transcript

HypnotistSummary: Curtis (Taran Killam) humors hypnotist Tommy Bergamont (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) into believing he’s put him under a deep, suggestive trance.

Transcript

G.O.B. TamponsSummary: The new tampon designed by members of the Republican Party.

Mumford and Sons perform “I Will Wait”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers asks “What Are You Thinking?” after President Barack Obama makes an unnecessary verbal gaffe. Bashar al-Assad’s best friends from growing up (Fred Armisen, Vanessa Bayer) whisper about him behind his back. Anne Romney (Kate McKinnon) insists that she and Mitt are more connected to the average American than the celebrity-friendly Barack and Michelle Obama. ESPN anchor Stephen A. Smith (Jay Pharoah) name-drops athletes he’s only vaguely connected to.

Recurring Characters: Anne Romney, Bill Perry.

LondonSummary: Bar buddies sing along to Hey Dude’s! (Mumford and Sons) cover version of “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away” and reminisce about odd times on the eve of Chris’ (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) wedding.

Recurring Characters: Bar Buddies.

Transcript

The Finer ThingsSummary: Hosts Swade (Kenan Thompson) and Fort Knox (Jay Pharoah) discuss fine things like handbags and long-stemmed wine glasses with Jake Thriller (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and Teddy Graham (Bobby Moynihan).

Mumford and Sons perform “Below My Feet”

Our DaughterSummary: Mr. McKeon (Fred Armisen) sets up co-worker Tom (Tim Robinson) with his daughter Evelyn (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), and introduces her awkwardly via an elaborate vocal performance.

Powers RealtySummary: Burt (Tim Robinson) and Blair (Nasim Pedrad) speak out against the pranksters who are drawing balls and weiners all over their open-mouthed bust stop advertisements.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts