Category: 1994

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 1

94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

The O.J. Simpson Trial

Terry Moran…..Kevin Nealon
Marcia Clark…..Laura Kightlinger
O.J. Simpson…..Tim Meadows
Judge Ito…..Mike Myers
Robert Shapiro…..Michael McKean
Miss Osbourne…..Ellen Cleghorne
Kato Kaelin…..David Spade
…..Brian Austin Green
A.C. Cowlings…..Tim Meadows

[ open on Court TV logo, dissolve to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: Good eveinng, I’m Terry Moran. Welcome to Court TV’s continuing coverage of the O.J. Simpson trial. Well.. this was it. The first week, in what will certainly be the most watched, most talked about murder trial in United States history. It began, as expected, with a motion by Defense to dismiss all charges against Mr. Simpson. Here, the Prosecution responds:

[ dissolve to Judge Ito’s courtoom ]

Marcia Clark: Your honor, the evidence against the defendent is clear.. and indisputable. It can lead to one conclusion, and one conclusion only, and that is that the defendent, O.J. Simpson, is guilty.

[ close-up on O.J.’s face, as he grimaces at the thought of being guilty ]

Marcia Clark: First of all, there’s the bloody glove found on the defendent’s property.. [ O.J. grimaces ] The testimony of the limo driver, which contradicts the defendent’s alibi.. [ O.J. grimaces ] The DNA test, which connect the defendent to droplets of blood found at the crime scene.. [ O.J. grimaces ]

Judge Ito: Counselor, uh.. what about the DNA results for the blood on the Bronco?

Marcia Clark: Well, that, so far, is inconclusive.. [ O.J. smiles ] But, according to the tests, the hair found at the crime scene does match that of the defendent’s. [ O.J. grimaces ] And now, at this time, your Honor, I’d like to move to adjourn.

Judge Ito: Very well. It’s been a long day, so, uh.. we can all go home, and the, uh.. defendnet can return to his cell.. [ O.J. grimaces ] Which, I understand, is being repainted today. [ O.J. smiles ] Although, there will be some paint fumes for the next few days. [ O.J. grimaces ]

Robert Shapiro: Your Honor, if it pleases the court?

Judge Ito: Mr. Shapiro.

Robert Shapiro: Your Honor, we’re all very hungry. The defense would like to suggest, before we adjourn, we all order out for a pizza.

Judge Ito: Uh.. the answer that I give, Counselor, uh.. can it be something with vegetables, like broccoli?

Robert Shapiro: Your Honor, how about half-broccoli, half-sausage?

Marcia Clark: No, Your Honor, if it please the court.. uh.. the prosecution would ask that, in place of broccoli and sausage, that we order a four-cheese pizza.

[ looks of confusion are exchanged throughout the courtroom ]

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: The following day, jury selection began. And, from the tone of attorney Robert Shapiro’s questions, it appears that Defense intends to play the “race card”.

[ dissolve back to the courtroom ]

Robert Shapiro: Miss Osbourne, do you believe that a person of color can possibly achieve a fair trial in this profoundly racist society?

Miss Osbourne: No, I do not.

Robert Shapiro: And would you say the defendent’s only real crime was being a black man in white America?

Miss Osbourne: Yes, I would.

Robert Shapiro: Now, Miss Osbourne, have you ever seen the tape of Rodney King being beaten by white police officers?

Miss Osbourne: Many times.

Robert Shapiro: And don’t you think that.. a great way to even the score for the Rodney King beating would be to acquit Mr. Simpson of all charges?

Miss Osbourne: Yes, I do!

Robert Shapiro: I have no problem with this juror, your Honor.

Marcia Clark: [ interrupting ] Uh.. move to dismiss this juror.

Robert Shapiro: Oh, come on!

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: Later that same afternoon, we saw another of those one-in-a-million coincidences that have been a hallmark of this case.

[ dissolve back to the courtroom, Kato Kaelin at the stand ]

Marcia Clark: Would you state your name, please?

Kato Kaelin: Brian “Kato” Kaelin.

Marcia Clark: So you are the Kato Kaelin?

Kato Kaelin: [ meekly ] Yeah.

Marcia Clark: And you are here because you received a notice to appear for jury duty?

Kato Kaelin: [ meekly ] Yes, ma’am.

Marcia Clark: And you were assigned to ,i>this case?

Kato Kaelin: [ meekly ] Yeah.

Marcia Clark: And you didn’t think there might be a potential conflict?

Kato Kaelin: Uh.. hey, I go where I’m told!

Marcia Clark: You Honor. Please.

Kato Kaelin: Hey, hey, can I say something, you guys? Is this gonna be a long trial? Because I’m shooting, uh.. an “Acapulco Heat” TV show next week.

Marcia Clark: Uh.. Mr. Kaelin, I don’t think there’s much chance that you’re gonna serve on this jury.

Kato Kaelin: Cool.

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: Later that afternoon, Kato Kaelin was back in court. This time with friend Brian Austin-Green, from “Beverly Hills 90210”.

[ dissolve back to the courtroom, Kato Kaelin entering the courtroom with Brian Austin-Green and other friends ]

Kato Kaelin: You guys! This is the courtroom from when we had the trial! Okay? See where that guy is up there. [ points across the courtroom ] That’s where I testified. And that’s the prosecution, and, uh.. that guy’s Judge Ito.. and there’s O.J.! [ waving ] Hey, dude! What’s up, dude!

Babe: Wow.. there’s a lot of people in here!

Kato Kaelin: Yeahhhhh!

Judge Ito: Uh, Mr. Kaelin? We are in the middle of a court proceeding.

Kato Kaelin: I’m sorry, uh.. Judge Ito – Kristin, Jennifer.. Brian Austin-Green – Judge I-to!

Brian Austin-Green: How you doing?

Judge Ito: How do you do? Uh, Mr. Kaelin.. this is a courtroom. Please sit down and be quiet.

Kato Kaelin: I’m sorry. Okay. [ sits ?? ]

Judge Ito: Not there.

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: But the real fireworks came on Friday, when long-time Simpson associate Al Cowlins finally took the stand.

[ dissolve back to the courtroom, A.C. Cowlings at the stand ]

Marcia Clark: Would you state your name, please?

A.C. Cowlings: [ yelling each time he’s asked a question ] I’m A.C.! You know who I am, dammit!!

Marcia Clark: Alright, I.. would you tell us your full address, please?

A.C. Cowlings: 2-1-3 Willowcox!! You know where I live, dammit!

Marcia Clark: Uh.. Mr. Cowlings! We’re in a court of law! There’s no reason to shout!

A.C. Cowlings: I KNOW there’s no reason to SHOUT, dammit!! I’m A.C.!

Marcia Clark: No further questions!

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: Finally, the week ended with Robert Shapiro’s meticulous questioning of the Simpson team’s own DNA expert.

[ dissolve back to the courtroom, A.C. Cowlings still at the stand ]

Robert Shapiro: For those of us who are layman’s, Mr. Cowlings, would you please explain.. what DNA is?A.C. Cowlings: [ yelling ] You KNOW what DNA IS, dammit!! It’s genetic information encoded on a double-helix!!

Robert Shapiro: Now, Mr. Cowlings, may I remind you we are on the same side?

A.C. Cowlings: I know..

Robert Shapiro: So, will you tell us what a double-helix is?

A.C. Cowlings: You KNOW what a double-helix is, dammit!! It’s DNA!! I’m A.C.!! AWWWW, man!!

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: At that point, Judge Ito called a recess, to allow prosector Marcia Clark to make it to the Viper Room in time to hear Kato Kaelin and Johnny Depp’s new band. I’m Terry moran for Court TV.

[ dissolve to Court TV logo, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 1

94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

Steve Martin’s All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream

…..Steve Martin
Bob Hillets…..Chris Elliot
Dave Marcus…..Kevin Nealon

Steve Martin: Hi, I’m Steve Martin. With so many celebrities endorsing cosmetics these days, I wanted to make sure the cosmetic I endorsed was very special. That’s why I’m proud to put my name on.. Steve Martin’s All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream.. New Formula. Try my new beauty cream, and in a matter of weeks your penis will be looking smoother and softer, the way women like it. And because of the new formula no more scaling. Here’s how it works:

Just take a small amount and rub gently on the penis for several minutes up to a half-hour. You’ll notice a difference right away. And, don’t worry, a slight discoloration is normal. Bob, tell us, how has my Steve Martin’s All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream.. New Formula helped you?

Bob Hillets: Well, Steve, I’m in real estate, and if I’m not confident, I can’t do my job.

Steve Martin: And you can’t feel confident unless your manhood is smooth and soft, right?

Bob Hillets: Exactly! If I’m thinking about my appearance, I’m not thinking about selling houses. The day I started using Steve’s cream, I sold three houses. Now, I have more energy than before, my confidence is sky-high, I just got my pilot’s license, and next week I’m flying solo from L.A. to Tahoe with nothing onboard except two jars of your cream.

Steve Martin: That’s great!

Bob Hillets: Well, the best part, Steve, is that now I can throw away all those cans of turtle wax.

Steve Martin: Our next guest actually started using my new cream by accident. Isn’t that right, Dave?

Dave Marcus: That’s right, Steve. I thought it was for something else.

Steve Martin: And now that you’ve been using the product, how have you found it?

Dave Marcus: Well, Steve.. I’ve found I have a lovelier, more luxurious, softer penis than I ever had with other beauty creams, probably because it’s the first beauty lotion made especially for the johnson. I’ll tell you – if I could afford it, I would use your cream 24 hours a day.

Steve Martin: And, is your wife more attracted to you now that you’ve been using my cream?

Dave Marcus: Well, Steve, my wife recently left me, But before she did, she told me, “I hope you and your Steve Martin’s Beauty Cream will be very happy.

Steve Martin: Well, that’s a lovely tribute! Thank you, Dave. Steve Martin’s All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream.. New Formula. You know it’s safe. Why? Because it’s tested on animals. And, if you order by mail, don’t worry – it’s shipped in a plain brown wrapper with the words “Not Penis Cream” stamped all over it in big red letters. So pick up a jar today, and remember, it’s the only cream with a picture of my penis on it!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 1

94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

Super Sports Tours

…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Super Sports Tours is proud to announce its 1994 Fall baseball cruise! On September 28th, it’s all aboard the Pacific Queen for a week of fun and sun with some of your favorite baseball stars. Including:

[ each ballplayer is shown in an onscreen card as their name is called ]

Three-time Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemens, from the Boston Red Sox. You’ll also meet the Pirates starting shortshop, Jay Bell. And former gold glove catcher, Cleveland’s Tony Pena.

They’ll all be there with you, as you tour the Carribbean Islands on a 1,200-foot luxury liner. Enjoy our 24 hour-a-day gourmet banquet food and drink. And don’t talk baseball with real major league stars, like:

Mets all-star slugger, Bobby Bonilla. As well as Blue Jays pitcher, Todd Stottlemyer. And the Padres’ Pip Roberts. And Bill Plantier.

All of these stars will share the tropical sun and fun with you. Annnd so will:

Seattle Mariner’s superstar, Ken Griffey, Jr. Colorado’s Andres Galarraga. And Florida’s Jeff Conine. Also, the Brewers’ Cal Eldred. Annnd the Cardinals’ Ozzie Smith.

Relax.. swim.. dine.. and dance with: Giants’ slugger Matt Williams. And the Braves’ Terry Pendleton and Tom Glavine. They’re all along for the trip. And so are the Phillies’ Danny Jackson, John Kruk, and Lenny Dykstra. And the Rangers’ Will Clark. and the White Sox’ Frank Thomas, Tim Raines, Joey Cora, and Jack MacDowell. And also from the Braves: Mark Lemke and Kent Mercker. And also from the Phillies, Darren Daulton. Annnnd many, many more.

Like Baltimore’s Cal Ripkin, Jr. And Chicago’s Sammy Sosa. And Mark Grace. And the Tigers’ Cecil Fielder. And the Red Sox’ Mo Vaughn. And also from the Yankees: Don Mattingly, and Mike Stanley, and Paul O’Niel, and Jim Leyritz and Danny Tartabull and Jim Abbott, and Randy Velarde and Gerald Williams and Matt Nokes. Annd don’t forget about the Angels’ Chili Davis, and Tim Salmon And the Padres’ Tony Gwynn. And many more.

For example: the Indians’ Kenny Lofton. And the Twins’ Shane Mack and Kirby Puckett.

[ dissolve to an extensive quick scroll of over 700 names of baseball players ]

This is Super Sports Tours biggest baseball cruise ever! Over 700 major leaguers, sailing with you and eleven other lucky guests. That’s almost 70 players per passenger!

It’s six glorious days and nights through the beautiful waters of the Carribbean. Including a stop at the Dominican Republic, where we’ll be joined by: The Dodgers’ Ramon Martinez and the Astros’ Andujar Cedano.

Don’t miss this unprecedented opportunity. Prices start at $399. Space is limited on the ship. So don’t delay. Call 1-600-HOME-RUN.. today!

[ dissolve to a group of striking baseball players onboard the cruise ship ]

Ball Players: We’re on vacation.. and you should be, too!

Announcer: Call now!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 20: Episode 1

94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
… Laura Kightlinger
Gil Graham … Adam Sandler

[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and red necktie, sits atthe WU desk removing the paper clip from hiswell-organized sheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonaldand now — the fake news. …

Yesterday, Simpson trial judge Lance Ito allowed thatmystery envelope to be opened — and it appearsSimpson may already have won ten million dollars….

Haitian general Raul Cedras, who will be stepping downin two weeks, held a hasty garage sale of someknick-knacks he’d acquired while in office. [Photoof a mounted collection of skulls. Mild reaction fromcrowd.] … You’re big fans of the Haitian strongman,are ya? …

Another breakthrough in the Middle East. Arab andIsraeli negotiators, workingthrough the night, accidentally resolved the baseballstrike.

[Photo of documentarian Ken Burns with his trademarkdorky haircut] And filmmaker Ken Burns announced that,following his “Baseball” series, his next documentaryproject will be a twelve hour, eight part “History ofthe Dorky Haircut.” …

Former First Lady Barbara Bush published her memoirsthis month. Readers wereshocked by her revelation that, while living at theWhite House, she had sexwith former President George Bush. …

And now, with a commentary, here is Weekend Updatecorrespondent Laura Kightlinger. Laura? [Applause aswe pan over to Laura.]

Laura Kightlinger: Thanks, Norm. You know, Ithink it’s important to stop and pay attention to whatlife can teach you. I was fired from a job recentlyand I think whenever something ends in your life,whether it be a relationship or a job, there’s alwaysa message. And that is: “You’re no good. No one needsyou.” Now, what surprised me most about being firedwas that everyone said the same thing to console me:”You know, everything happens for a reason.” And astrite as that sounds, I think it’s better to hear itout loud because when you hear it in your own head, itsounds like “You know, anything can happen with arazor.” …

Now, you can’t anticipate a life lesson — it justhappens to you. I was driving through Pennsylvania andI stopped at a gas station. There were about eightcars waiting for service so I went into the gasstation to see what the heck was going on and therewas shattered glass everywhere and an empty cashregister on the floor. Finally, I found the attendantin the bathroom stall. His arms and legs were tied atthe back of the toilet. He had an oily rag stuffed inhis mouth and a bullet through the back of his head.And I said to myself, “My God! How could he do that tohimself?” … His business was booming! And then Irealized — the attendant had a fear of success. …And that was a lesson that I needed to learn.

You know, two months ago, a man in Spain had areligious experience. He saw the hand of the statue ofthe Jesus bleeding. And a week later, a girl in Italysaw the Virgin Mary crying. And I’m happy to tell you,I’ve had a religious experience myself. I was at theBob’s Big Boy in Paramus, New Jersey … and Iactually saw liquid rust coming out of the butt of theBig Boy icon. … And when it happens to you, it’slike, “Well, all right, there’s something out there.”And, doggone it, that’s my point — there issomething out there. It’s all there for us. All wehave to do — is see it.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, Laura. [Politeapplause.]

Laura Kightlinger: Thank you.

Norm MacDonald: Laura Kightlinger.

Scientists in Africa have discovered the oldest knownhuman ancestor, born 4.4 million years ago. Althoughunearthed only days ago, he is already engaged toAnna Nicole Smith.

The first deaf Miss America, Heather Whitestone, wascrowned last week in Atlantic City. Althoughcompletely deaf, she is an expert lip reader.Personally, [Norm covers his mouth with his hand] Idon’t think she’s that pretty, y’know? I, uh– … Not… [applause] Not my cup of tea. …

Postal authorities removed a cigarette from a photo ofblues artist RobertJohnson to help dignify the musician in a new stampthey’ve issued in hishonor. [Before and after photos of bluesman RobertJohnson, with and without cigarette] This isn’t thefirst time the post office has altered a photograph.In fact, the original photo used on the Elvis stamp[Photo of stamp with young Elvis Presley singing intomicrophone] was based on this photo [Same image butwith microphone replaced by a huge sandwich] … Kingenjoying a hoagie!

A recent consumer poll shows that “Hershey” isAmerica’s favorite company,while “Philip Morris” is America’s least favorite. Inthe middle — thecompany that makes chocolate cigarettes. … Right inthe middle.

A South African professor claims that the Shroud ofTurin was created inthe Middle Ages, using techniques similar tophotography. Backing up his claimis the recent unearthing of a two-thousand-year-old”Your Face On A Shroud”concession booth. …

Last month, an eighty year old Albuquerque woman wasawarded over two million dollars in damages fromMcDonald’s after she spilled some of their coffee inher lap and suffered severe burns. As a result,McDonald’s this week has put a warning label on itscoffee cups that read: “Caution: Do you think you canmanage to avoid pouring it directly on your crotchthis time, you senile old hag? … Think you canmanage that, huh?” … [applause]

And “The Shawshank Redemption” picked up the New YorkFilm Festival’s covetedaward for the stupidest movie title.

And now, here with this summer’s concert reviews, isour very own rock and roll correspondent Gil Graham!Gil? Welcome.

[Applause as we pan over to oily, bespectacled rockfan Gil Graham who wears a colorful Led Zeppelin shirtand speaks with an intense half-whisper.]

Gil Graham: Thanks, Norm. Well, it was a longsummer so let’s dispense with the preliminaries andget to the rock and roll.

June 17th, Toronto’s Exhibition Stadium. That’s right,the Rolling Stones are back and yours truly had thebest seats in the house. I had a date but she pulledthe old no-show. So I walked over to a kick-asstailgate party to see if anyone wanted the extraticket. Well, it turns out they wanted both tickets.They beat me without mercy for what seemed like aneternity. … I woke up two hours later in a parkinglot dumpster just in time to hear the Stones’ rockin’encore, “Jumpin’ Jack Flash.” … The acoustics in thedumpster were phenomenal. … All I could hear was thebass but, take it from me, that new bass player canslap a funky one. … So all you Stones fans outthere, I advise you to do the Harlem shuffle to yournearest Ticketmaster.

July 8th, Giants Stadium, “Hell Freezes Over,” theEagles reunite. I did not attend this concert. I gavemy tickets to two fourteen year old girls who promisedto send me two thousand dollars. … Ladies, I’m stillwaiting for my money. …

August 1st, Foxboro Stadium, Pink Floyd, “Ready toRock.” Bought tickets from a scalper. … Turned outto be stubs from a Molly Hatchet concert in 1974. …I pointed out the scalper’s mistake and he threw medown a flight of stairs. …

Next stop, August 14th, Saugerties, New York. That’sright, folks, Woodstock II. It was a celebration ofpeace, love and understanding. Except for this oneguy. … He snatched my backstage passes and locked meinside a Port-a-Potty. … Then he tipped it over and,just my luck, it landed door-side down. … There wasno gettin’ out. But that didn’t prevent me fromrockin’ out to Blind Melon as I enjoyed my own privatemosh pit. … Aerosmith was just about to go on when Ifelt the Port-a-Potty start to move. I realized I wassliding down a mud-slicked hill, just before thePort-a-Potty slammed into a barbecue and caught fire…. I could hear Joe Perry whaling away on “SweetEmotion” as I struggled to free myself from my flamingtomb. … When I woke up in the hospital, I said tomyself — actually, I thought to myself sincemy lips were burnt shut … — “Woodstock once everytwenty-five years? Count me in!”

Back to you, Norm, and, in the words of the Stones, “Iknow it’s only rock and roll but I like it!” …[applause, Norm shakes Gil’s hand]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, buddy.

Gil Graham: All right, baby! [acknowledgesapplause with a nod and exits by scooting off on hisswivel chair.]

Norm MacDonald: Adam Sandler! Adam Sandler–Gil Graham, it was– I’m sorry, Gil Graham. … Looksa bit like Adam Sandler. … Take off that wig and thefunny shirt, you know? Dead ringer for Sandler….

In Washington, a 410-pound convicted killer isfighting his execution onconstitutional grounds. He claims that, if he ishanged, his head will becompletely torn from his body, which would amount to”cruel and unusualpunishment.” Now, having your head completely tornfrom your body is cruel,I’ll grant you, but is it really that unusual?…

Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge rock star in Germany,where his latest album sold five million copies thisweek — which once again proves my theory: Germanslove David Hasselhoff. …

A truck full of chickens overturned on the Long IslandExpressway yesterday.Hundreds of chickens crossed the road but nobody’sbeen able to figure outwhy. …

And that’s all for now. Good night and good luck.

[Applause. Music. Norm grins and shuffles his unrulypile of papers.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 2


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 1st, 1994

Marisa Tomei

Bonnie Raitt

None

None

None
A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Bill Clinton (Michael McKean) outlines his new Health Care plans.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Marisa Tomei’s MonologueSummary: Marisa Tomei lists the awards she’s won at the hands of Jack Palance, then reveals secrets about New York.

Transcript

Lexon ParadoxSummary: It’s both the best and worst car you’ll ever own.

Transcript

Court TVSummary: Testimony from Mona Lisa Vito (Marisa Tomei) helps prove that O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) is innocent.

Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson, Judge Ito, Marcia Clark, Robert Shapiro.

Transcript

Piercing TodaySummary: Freaks on display.

Bonnie Raitt performs “Love Sneaking Up On You”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Mike Myers simply thinks the hockey strike is “stupid”. Tim Meadows comments on the hockey strike as a personal blow to black people. Cool Guy’s (David Spade) facial expressions reveal the events of the week.

Recurring Characters: Cool Guy.

Transcript

Making Better Love WorkshopSummary: Voyeurs (Chris Farley, Adam Sandler) annoy a married couple (Chris Elliott, Janene Garafalo) performing an adult sexual education demonstration.

Transcript

Daily AffirmationSummary: Stuart Smalley (Al Franken) analyzes the perfect union of Michael Jackson (Tim Meadows) and Lisa-Marie Presley (Marisa Tomei).

Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley, Michael Jackson.

Transcript

Monsters of Monologue ’94Summary:

Bonnie Raitt performs “Storm Warning”

Bobby Camilarri’s Bridal Fair 2000Summary:

Framington High Fall MixerSummary: At their Fall mixer, 70’s teen couple (Adam Sandler, Marisa Tomei) make awkward small talk.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 2

94b: Marisa Tomei / Bonnie Raitt

A Message from the President of the United States

President Bill Clinton…..Michael McKean

Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Last Monday, Congress announced that no Health Care reform legislation will be passed this year. As you know, this was the key element in my domestic agenda. And that is why I come to you tonight. To make one.. last.. desperate attempt at Universal Health coverage. This plan is a little bit scaled down, that’s why I’m nervous. We’ve cut a few corners. But it’s simple, it’s cheap.. and it fulfills my campaign promise to cover every single American!

Here’s how it works:

If you are an American citizen – rich or poor, young or old, mixed or different – you will receive this Universal Health Care First Aid Kit! [ holds up First Aid kit, sorting through the contents ] It’s got band-aids in here, ointment, bug spray! Here’s an Ace bandage, in case you sprain your ankle while jogging, or something. The National Health Care crisis is over!

And that’s not all. If you do get sick – and we all get sick at some time – you will receive this government voucher for one pint of blood! [ holds up voucher ] I feel your pain. Plus – and this is something we’re very, very proud of – every American will receive this book: The Healing Power of Herbs! By Eugene Chow. [ holds up book ] This stuff really works! Oh, and uh.. y’all remember this? [ holds up small card ] That’s right, this was the Health Security card that was gonna allow you to walk into any hospital, anywhere in the country, and receive free mwdical care. Well, you can forget about that.. But on the back of the card.. an illustration of the Heimlich Manuever. Every American can keep it in his pocket in case a loved one begins to choke.

During the campaign, Hillary and I met a man in Kentucky. He told us how he watched his dear wife choke to death on a medallion of veal. If our new scaled-down Health Care package had been in place at that time.. she’d be alive today. Her chldren would have a mother. And her husband would not live in terror of eating Italian food. This must pass! This must pass!

Now, to the naysayers who think this isn’t enough, my answer is: The National Health Phone! Just dial 5-5-5-SICK. [ holds up phone receiver, and dials the number ]

Health Phone Voice: Hel-lo, and wel-come to Health Phone..

Movie Annuncer Voice: The vacation is over.

Male Voice: I need your wife to get me down to the river.

Movie Announcer Voice: Meryl Streep.. Kevin Bacon.. There’s no way out, but down “The River Wild”.

Second Movie Announcer Voice: Now playing at a theater near you!

President Bill Clinton: [ smiling ] Had to pay for it somehow!

Health Phone Voice: Us-ing your touch-tone key-pad, please en-ter the first three let-ers of the ill-ness you think you might have.. now.

President Bill Clinton: Right now, I’ll just dial “S”.. “W”.. “O”. [ keys in the letters ]

Health Phone Voice: You have chos-en.. Swoll-en.. Prost-ate.

President Bill Clinton: Bingo!

Health Phone Voice: For a spe-cial-ist in your ar-e-a, en-ter your five-dig-it zip code now.

President Bill Clinton: [ keys in his zip code ]

Health Phone Voice: There is a.. swoll-en.. prost-ate.. spe-cial-ist prac-tic-ing at 1-6-0-3 Penn-syl-van-i-a Av-e-nue.

President Bill Clinton: Well, that’s right across the street! It’s that easy! Congress must pass this bill! [ pounds desk with his free hand ] This bill is the best thing that could ever happen to any American! [ stops pounding ] Isn’t that right, Health Phone?

Health Phone Voice: “Live.. from New York.. it’s Sat-ur-day Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 2

94b: Marisa Tomei / Bonnie Raitt

Framington High Fall Mixer

Boy…..Adam Sandler
Girl…..Marisa Tomei
Black Guy…..Tim Meadows

[ open on interior, Framington High gymnasium during their Fall Mixer ]

[ Background Music: “Freebird”, Lynyrd Skynyrd ]

[ the crowds open up to reveal a high school couple slow dancing in a circular motion. Each one speaks as they make the spin to face the camera ]

Boy: I’m really glad we’re dancing together.

Girl: Me, too, you’re a good dancer.

Boy: It’s fun to dance.

Girl: Uh-huh. Can’t beat dancing.

Boy: Dancing is good and fun.

Girl: I was just about to say that.

Boy: Is it okay if I put my hands here? [ lowers his hands to Girl’s butt ]

Girl: O-kay..

Boy: Is it okay if I move them around?

Girl: Uhh.. no.

Boy: Your hair smells nice, what do you wash it with?

Girl: Well.. I wash it with Herbal Essence shampoo.. and then I put Sassoon conditioner on, for exactly fifteen minutes.. and then, before I rinse it out, I squoosh it in real good to the hair shaft.. and then, you-

Boy: [ quickly spins around so he can face the camera, cutting off Girl’s response ] O-o-okay.. Herbal Essence, and then the other one. I got it, thank you.

Girl: [ looks across the room with a disgusted look on her face ] Oh, gro-oss. That guy’s staring at me.

Boy: [ looking, assuming the role of a tough guy ] That little guy with the beard? I’ll beat his ass!

Girl: No, the big Puerto Rican guy next to him.

Boy: [ secretly scared ] I don’t think he’s staring at you. [ glances at the Puerto Rican guy ] Hola!

Girl: My parents are out at some play tonight. You wanna.. come over and hang out?

Boy: [ excited ] Yes!

Girl: Oh! What was that?

Boy: Sorry, uh.. that happens sometimes when I dance..

Girl: Well, can you make it not happen?

Boy: Yeah. Start talking about your shampoos again.

Girl: You know.. I heard there’s a guy in the Senior class.. who still sleeps in his Battlestar Galactica pajamas.

Boy: [ eyes shifting back and forth nervously ]

Girl: Turns out the lacrosse team found out who it was, and they’re coming over to beat the crap out of him.

Boy: [ puts a fake moustache over his lip ] Really? I hope they find the guy.

[ Black Guy enters scene ]

Black Guy: Excuse me, you mind if I cut in?

Boy: Not at all.

[ Boy and Girl seperate; the Black Guy begins to dance with the Boy, as the Girl steps aside and pouts to herself ]

Black Guy: I like your moustache.

Boy: Thanks.

Black Guy: Is it okay if I put my hands down here? [ puts his hands on Boy’s butt ]

Boy: Okayy..

Black Guy: Is it okay if I move them around?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 2

94b: Marisa Tomei / Bonnie Raitt

Goodnights

…..Marisa Tomei
…..Bonnie Raitt

Marisa Tomei: Thank you, everybody! Good night. Had a great time, thanks for being here! Thank you, Bonnie Raitt!

Bonnie Raitt: Thank you, Marisa!

Marisa Tomei: Thank you, guys!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 2

94b: Marisa Tomei / Bonnie Raitt

Marisa Tomei’s Monologue

…..Marisa Tomei

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Marisa Tomei!

Marisa Tomei: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s an honor to be here as the host of “Saturday Night Live”. Um.. but.. uh, before we start, I wanted to say something.. I just wanted to clear the air. There’s this.. crazy rumor – some of you may have heard of it, some of you may have not – that, when I won the Academy Award for “My Cousin Vinny”.. [ audience applauds ] ..that.. I didn’t really win the Oscar. That, because Jack Palance accidentally read the wrong name off the teleprompter. But, uh.. that’s just not true! [ laughs ] I won the Academy Award fair and square! And I was just the happiest I’d ever been, since.. um.. [ thinking back ] ..since I was named Miss Teen America. Thank you! Back in 1987, the year it was hosted by Jack Palance. Or, um.. three years later, when I stepped up onstage to receive – though.. I didn’t think I was eligible for it! – the Heisman Trophy. From.. Jack Palance. Anyway.. theonly award I’ve ever felt even slightly guilty about was when I was 16, and I was named Employee of the Month at Roy Rogers restuarant, by the Assistant Mananger.. Jack Palance.

Anyhow.. that’s out of the way! [ laughs ] And.. I want to tell you how fun it is, to be here doing this show in New York City! The palce where I was born and raised! [ audience applauds wildly ] I live right down in the Village, and.. I know everything there is to know about New York. and tonight.. tonight, I’m gonna share a few “insider” secrets with you. For example: if you come to New York, and you want to know where to get a really great New York bagel.. there is a bakery here – it’s called Sara Lee. It might be hard to find.. but, here in New York, they’re in the frozen food section of any real New York grocery store. Make sure they’re frozen – don’t buy any of those bagels that have been standing out – trust me. Just go right back to the freezer section. And, um.. if you’re looking for entertainment, and you want to avoid the crowds.. well, there’s a show that only a real New Yorker can tell youabout. It’s right down the block from here – it’s called “Cats”. It’s with a “C”! So if you’re here in the city, go to see it before the word get out! [ laughs ] Oh! Incidentally, if you want to find what’s going on there in entertainment – do what I do, and stop at a New York newsstand, and buy yourself one of these. [ holds pu a TV Guide ] TV Guide! Real New Yorkers.. never without it! [ laughs ]

Well, we’ve got a great show.. oh! Hang on, I almost forgot! New York Cheesecake. Also Sara Lee. Also buy it frozen! Okay. Bonnie Raitt is here, so stick around we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 2

94b: Marisa Tomei / Bonnie Raitt

Court TV

Terry Moran…..Kevin Nealon
Marcia Clark…..Laura Kightlinger
Ms. Motleroy…..Janene Garafalo
Judge Ito…..Mike Myers
Robert Shapiro…..Michael McKean
Mona Lisa Vito…..Marisa Tomei
Bailiff…..Jay Mohr
O.J. Simpson…..Tim Meadows

Terry Moran: Hello, I’m Terry Moran. Welcome to Court TV’s continuing coverage of the O.J. Simpson trial. Today’s action saw the prosecution trying to place Mr. Simpson at the scene of the crime.

[ dissolve to Judge Ito’s courtroom, as Marcia Clark questions a witness ]

Marcia Clark: So, Miss Motleroy can you tell us what you saw?

Ms. Motleroy: Yes. I looked out my window and saw a white Ford Bronco speeding away from Nicole Simpson’s home.

Marcia Clark: Hmm. And you’re sure it was the same white Ford Bronco that belongs to Mr. Simpson?

Ms. Motleroy: Oh, yeah.

Marcia Clark: Hmm. No more questions, your Honor.

[ the witness steps down from the stand ]

Judge Ito: Uhhh.. Mr. Shapiro?

Robert Shapiro: [ leaning over Marcia Clark ] This is gonna knock your socks off.. [ approaches the bench ] Your Honor, at this time the defense would like to call, as a rebuttal witness.. Miss Mona Lisa Vito!

[ Mona Lisa Vito, from “My Cousin Vinny” takes the stand ]

Judge Ito: Uhh.. uh, Mr. Shapiro, this person is not on the witness list.

Robert Shapiro: Well, your Honor, Miss Vito is an expert on automobiles. And she has testified at many a murder trial.

Judge Ito: Uh, uh.. is this true, Miss Vito?

Mona Lisa Vito: It’s true.

Judge Ito: Uh, very well, uh.. Bailiff?

[ Bailff approaches Mona Lisa Vito ]

Bailiff: Raise your right hand. [ Mona Lisa Vito raises her right hand ] Do you swear to tell the truth, thw whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Mona Lisa Vito: Yea. [ sits ]

Robert Shapiro: Now, Miss Vito. You heard Miss ?? testify that she saw Mr. Simpson’s white Bronco leaving the scene of the crime. Now.. tell us, is it possible, that, uh.. Mr. Simpson’s is the only white Bronco in the state of California?

Mona Lisa Vito: No! Not by a long shot!

Robert Shapiro: Soo, the Bronco is a popluar car?

Mona Lisa Vito: It is by far the most popular pur-chased off-road utility vehicle in the Los Angeles area. And.. it’s a particular favorite of Hollywood sleazebags. Excuse my language, your Honor!

Judge Ito: [ smitten ] That’s quite alright, Miss Vito. You’re absolutely enchanting!

Robert Shapiro: Now, Miss Vito, the prosecution has matched the Defendant’s blood type with blood found at the murder site. But these tests rule out only 99.5% of the population. That still leaves almost 100,000 people in the state of California, whose blood type matches Mr. Simpson’s.

Mona Lisa Vito: That’s a lot of people!

Judge Ito: [ guffawing uproariously ]

Marcia Clark: Objection, your Honor!

Judge Ito: Very funny, uh.. very funny – overruled!

Marcia Clark: Your Honor, you are fawning all over the witness!

Judge Ito: Y-yeah, I heard.. and it’s overruled, okay? [ to Mona Lisa Vito ] Did you know that our last names rhyme? Vito and Ito?

[ they share the laugh ]

Mona Lisa Vito: You are adorable!

Robert Shapiro: Miss Vito, if I can tear you away.. Given the popularity of the Bronco, isn’t it poosible that one of those 100,000 Californians could own a white full-sized Ford Bronco?

Mona Lisa Vito: Absolutely.

Robert Shapiro: You’d think so. But no. Of all the people who own white Broncos registered in this state, not one of them had Mr. Simpson’s blood type. [ a beat ] Go-od, we looked! Just nothing! Soooo.. wouldn’t you say, Miss Vito, that the defense has no case?

Mona Lisa Vito: Not necessarily..

Robert Shapiro: Not necessarily?

Mona Lisa Vito: Instead of a Bronco, the witness might have seen a 1993 Chevy Blaszer – and thought it was a Bronco.

Robert Shapiro: [ playing dumb ] But I don’t understa-and.. How could a person mistake a Chevy Blazer.. for a Ford Bronco?

Mona Lisa Vito: Would you like me to explain?

Robert Shapiro: Y-yes, I would!

Judge Ito: So would I, Miss Vito!

Mona Lisa Vito: Well.. a ’93 Blazer, and a ’93 Bronco look exactly alike. Both have identical fiberglass shells body-mounted on the rea-ah of the truck.. both have 105″ wheel base and spare tires mounted on a spring-arm on the rea-ah end of the truck.

Judge Ito: [ wistfully ] You know, I was thinking about buying a new car.. Maybe, uh.. you could give me a little help?

Marcia Clark: Objection!

Judge Ito: [ furious ] SHUT UP, MISS CLARRRK!! [Marcia Clark is stunned, as Judge Ito returns his gaze to Mona Lisa Vito ] I’m sorry, Miss Vito. You were saying?

Mona Lisa Vito: [ continuing ] Both cars look alike, but that’s not all. Both have twin i-beam front suspension, and limited slip differential.

Robert Shapiro: Front and rear?

Mona Lisa Vito: Front and rea-ah!

Judge Ito: Could you say “rear” again, Miss Vito? [ blushing ] It’s very cute!

Mona Lisa Vito: [ smiling ] Of course, your Honor! Rea-ah!

Judge Ito: [ well pleased ] Thank you!

Robert Shapiro: So.. Miss Vito.. is it your expert opinion.. that a Chevy Blazer could be easily mistaken for a Ford Bronco?

Mona Lisa Vito: Yes.. it is.

Robert Shapiro: Now.. what if I told you.. there was a retired school administrator in San Jose, California – Mrs. Irene Macchiovelli – whose blood type matches O.J. Simpson’s?

Mona Lisa Vito: You don’t say. What kind of car does she drive?

Robert Shapiro: [ revved up ] She drives.. an ’84 Honda Civic. BUT! Her nephew.. in Sacramento.. drives a 1993 white Chevy Blazer.

Mona Lisa Vito: [ excited ] Full-sized?!

Robert Shapiro: Full-sized!

Mona Lisa Vito: Your Honor! There’s your reasonable doubt!

Judge Ito: Well, I can’t argue with that! [ chuckles ] Case dismissed! [ slams gavel ] Mr. Sipson is a free man!

[ triumphant music, as O.J. Simpson relishes in his victory ]

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: So, an eventful day of testimony at the O.J. Simpson trial. I guess that concludes our coverage of this case. you’ve been watching Court TV.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts