Category: 1998

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 14

98n: Bill Murray / Lucinda Williams

Yahtzee

Sam…Bill Murray
Jim…Will Ferrell
Jane….Molly Shannon
Nancy….Ana Gasteyer

[Opens with two couples entering the living room after dinner. Sam and Jane are the hosts, Jim and Nancy are the guests]

Jim: Wow, I’m stuffed Jane. That meatloaf was delicious.

Jane: Well, actually it was fillet of sole.

Jim: Well, whatever it was, it was delicious.

Jane: Sam, why don’t you find us a game to play?

Sam: All right. Say Janey, did I mention that Jim was the number one salesman in the office this month? I can say it, I ought to know, I was number two.

Jim: Come on, Sam. I just got lucky. Anything can happen next month.

Sam: [serious] You got that right. All right, I thought maybe tonight we played Yahtzee.

Nancy: Gosh, Yahtzee. Wow, we haven’t played this in years.

Sam: There you go. It’s a Milton Bradley classic. Here’s your scoreboards and your pencils. And we’re gonna get ready for a little bit of Yahtzee!

Sam and Jane: [face to face, intense] Yahtzee! Yahtzee! Yahtzee! Yahtzee! Yahhhhhh-tzee!!!

Jim: [surprised] Wow, you guys sure love your Yahtzee.

Sam: Ok. House rules. Visitors go first.

Jim: Oh, go ahead Nancy.

Nancy: Oh, okeydoke. [throws dice]

Sam:[too cheerful] Oh! Two fives! You haven’t played in a while.

Nancy: I still have a couple of rolls. [throws dice]

Sam: Still two fives!

Jane: Nothing! Lame-o!

Sam: Come on.

Nancy: One more try, ok. [throws dice]

Sam: Haha! Still two fives! Nice. [gives dice to Jane] Ok, girl. Ok, you do it. Come on! I married a winner! I married a winner! Come on, give it to me!

Jane: [throws dice] Whooo! Two fives! [gets up and sits down dramatically] That felt GOOD! YEAH!

Sam: Stay focused, stay focused.

Jane: Ok. [shakes dice] I’m gonna shred these punks![throws dice]

Sam: Come on baby!

Sam and Jane: YAHTZEE! YAHTZEE! YAHTZEE! YAHTZEE! YAHTZEE!

[Jane kisses Sam on the mouth. Dry humps him]

Jane: Mmmmm.[moans of pleasure]

Jim: [a little creeped out] Good for you, guys. Yeah, good.

Sam: Ok, all right. You guys go ahead. [gives dice to Jim] Yahtzee. And the salesman of the month’s turn. [mocking laugh]

[Jim throws the dice]

Jane: Ah, two threes. Wah-wah.

Jim: Hey, I bet you I can get at least two more threes right here. [dice rolls]

Sam: Oh, still two threes! Too bad. Hey, you really want to bet on that? Maybe we’ll bet like a $1,000 that you get two more threes on this last roll?

Jim: Come on, Sam.

Sam: No, no, no. Let’s do the Christmas bonus. Christmas bonus on the last roll! Two threes, ok? Come on, you’re number one!

Jim: I’m not gonna bet, ok?

Sam: Bet number one! Come on! You’re a guest!

[Jim rolls the dice]

Nancy: Oh, my God! You did it!

Jim: Yes! Hey, this is a fun game.

[Sam and Jane are devastated]

Sam: [inhales deeply] Don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it.

Jim: [offering the dice to Sam] Here you go, buddy.

Sam: Just put it down, Jim. Put it down, thank you.

Jane: Ok, you can do it. He’s weak. Come on baby. You can smell it.

Sam: [rolls the dice] Sixes and fives. Ok, I’m going sixes. [rolls again] Fives! Damn! Ok, I’ll go fives, I’ll go fives.

Jane: Kick his ass, kick his ass.

Sam: [rolls dice] Sixes! [gets up and with a swipe of his hand destroys a vase and a lamp over his fireplace]

[Jim and Nancy are horrified]

Nancy: I-I-I….I guess its my turn?

Jim: Yeah, I think.

Nancy: [rolls dice] Oh, my God! Yahtzee, Yahtzee!

Jane: What are you? Some kind of witch or something? Did you fix the game? Huh? What are you trying to do here? Huh?

[Sam flips the table clearing it]

Sam: You win! You win at Yahtzee! Great game. Let’s play charades. Ok, Charades! Ready? [puts on the clock]

[Imitates a cameraman]

Jane: It’s a movie! [Sam’s marches in place] Army! Army! [Sam holds up his breasts] “Private Benjamin!”

[Sam quickly changes places with Jane. Jane imitates a singer]

Jane: La,la,la,la…

Sam: Song, song, song, song, [Jane puts on horns] Horny devil, “Devil came down on Georgia!” Eleven seconds! Your turn.

Jim: This is just getting creepy.

Sam: Too creepy? Ok, forget Charades. [throws clock out and kneels on the table for an arm wrestling match] Let’s go. You and me. Let’s go right now.

Jim: Come on, just cool out Sam. This is suppose to be a fun night.

Sam: Come on, you’re a big guy. Let’s—all right, you want fun? I got fun for you. [takes a gun out] Here’s a game we play here. It’s called–it’s called Russian roulette. [takes the bullets out, puts one bullet in, spins the cylinder, gives it to Nancy] House rules. Ladies first.

[Jim and Nancy go to the door scared]

Jim: Ok, you know Sam, it’s getting late. We’ve got a new babysitter….

Sam: A new babysitter? Well, break her in!

Jane: You didn’t have any dessert!

Nancy: Thank you for dinner. Thanks so much.

Sam: You’re not leaving just cause I got a wife who’s decent and kind and you got a whore for a wife?

Jim: Oh, come on Sam! I’ll see you at work…

Jane: Here’s your dessert!!![throws a big cake at Jim, he stumbles out the door, Sam closes the door]

Sam: [looks at the gun] You still want to play?

Jane: Yeah, I’ll play.

Sam: Nah, you know, they’re nice folks but they never offer to clean up.

Jane: Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 15


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 13th, 1999

Ray Romano

The Corrs

None

Peter Boyle

Doris Roberts
Barbara Walters Tries Phone SexSummary: Inspired by her interview with Monica Lewinsky, Barbara Walters (Cheri Oteri) phones fellow public figures with the hopes of initiating phone sex.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Tom Bokaw, Sean Connery, Hillary Clinton.

Montage

Ray Romano’s MonologueSummary: Ray Romano’s stand-up performance about his children is interrupted by TV parents Peter Boyle and Doris Roberts, who come bearing clips of themselves.

Transcript

SportsCenterSummary: New sports anchor Chet Harper’s (Ray Romano) catch phrases aren’t as successful as those used by Stuart Scott (Tim Meadows).

Recurring Characters: Stuart Scott, Chet Harper.

Transcript

VH-1 Behind the Music: Meat LoafSummary: Meat Loaf (Horatio Sanz) mentions other warning signs that he plans to turn into songs.

Recurring Characters: Meat Loaf

Roberto Benigni at Carnabie’sSummary: Diners at Carnabie’s Restaurant don’t seem to mind the obnoxious antics of Roberto Benigni (Ray Romano) when he makes a surprise visit.

Transcript

Pimp ChatSummary: New York cop Pretty Tony (Ray Romano) chats with Bishop Don “Mack” Donald (Tracy Morgan) and Pimpin’ Kyle (Tim Meadows).

Recurring Characters: Bishop Don “Mack” Donald, Pimpin’ Kyle.

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Monica Lewinsky (Molly Shannon) can’t stop laughing while discussing her book. Cheri Oteri uses a Barbie doll to illustrate the troubled history of women.

Recurring Characters: Monica Lewinsky.

Transcript

The Corrs perform “What Can I Do?”

Suel ForrestorSummary: NCAA coach Suel Forrestor (Chris Kattan) mumbles while delivering a pep talk to his team.

Recurring Characters: Suel Forrestor.

The Big BabySummary: Salesman Jim Lasterbick (Will Ferrell) breaks down and cries like a baby when his ad campaign goes awry.

Transcript

The Corrs perform “So Young”

Petracelli’s DreamsSummary: While hiding in a foxhole during World War II, Petracelli (Ray Romano) tells his fellow soldiers of the plans he has in store for after the war.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 15

98o: Ray Romano / The Corrs

The Big Baby

Dave…..Ray Romano
Rob…..Tim Meadows
Janice…..Molly Shannon
Jim Lasterbick…..Will Ferrell

[ open on tall office building, zoom upward ]

[ dissolve to interior, conference room ]

Dave: [ closes conference room door ] Well, to say that we are excited to work on the Winfred Tire account is simply an understatement. I mean, that’s like, uh, saying the astronauts were “excited to land on the moon.” We are really excited about this.

Rob: That’s great. We’re very excited, also.

Janice: Yes. And I think I speak for Rob when I say —

Dave: She does speak for me, and I don’t even know what she’s gonna say!

[ everyone shares a hearty laugh ]

Janice: But I definitely think that Winfred Tires is in a position to be the number one tire outlet in the country.

Rob: I agree.

Dave: Oh. Well, with that having been said, let me introduce Jim Lasterbick. He’s, uh, gonna handle the presentation from here on in. Jim?

Jim: Thanks, Dave. Uh.. now, if you’ll, uh, go ahead and take a look at these. [ hands folders to Rob and Janice ] Uh, what we’ve prepared – uh, you’ll see, is a new ad campaign – uh, that focuses on Winfred Tires’ versatility. [ everyone looks through their packets with a hint of confusion in their actions ] Uh, we feel that, uh, that the consumers need to know that the all-weather radial — [ Janice raises her hand ] Uh – question. Yes?

Janice: Yes, um – I must be missing something, because my packet is empty.

Rob: [ chuckles ] Yes. So is – mine is, too.

Jim: [ nervously ] Oh – no. No, no. I-I-I’m sure the packet’s in there.

Dave: Well, actually, Jim, I don’t have anything, either.

Jim: Well.. I-I know I put the packet in the folders —

Rob: Well.. I just have these two blank pieces of paper.

[ Jim covers his face with his hands, smiles meekly, then begins to sob loudly ]

Dave: Jim? [ Jim continues to sob – a little louder with a fury that begins to bubble over ] Did you – do you not come up with a presentation?

Jim: [ shakes his head as he cries ] No.

Dave: Why didn’t you?

Jim: [ anger now accompanies his tears ] I – I didn’t want to!

Dave: Did you – did you even attempt to come up with a presentation?

Jim: YES!! [ a pause before his cries begin to resonate across the room ]

Rob: Maybe we should leave.

Dave: [ waves his hand ] No. No, no. This has happened before.

Jim: [ attempts to speak between his jagged sobs ] I-I – I – was – ‘nt – at – home – and – I was – talking about winfred tires – and I got mad – because I thought it was too hard – and I didn’t want to do it!

Dave: What – what- what was hard about it?

Jim: I don’t know! It was just ha-ard!!

Dave: Jim!

Jim: Yeah? [ looks away from Dave ]

Dave: Jim? Jim, look at me!

Jim: [ turns to look as he cries uncontrollably ] Yea-ah?

Dave: We have GOT to give this presentation! What can I do – what can I do to help you give this presentation?

Jim: [ points to Janice as he whines ] I want that lady to leave!

Dave: You mean Janice?

Jim: Yeah. Janice!

Dave: Why? Why do you want Janice to leave?

Jim: She looks angry! [ sobs wildly ]

Janice: [ speaks to Jim in a reassuring tone ] I’m not. I’m not angry.

Dave: No! No! Janice isn’t leaving!

Jim: [ whines ] Why not?!

Dave: Jan-ice is the cli-ent! She’s not leaving!

Jim: I don’t LIKE her!

Dave: Well, I’m sorry!

Jim: [ furious ] You’re not my boss any more, because you eat POO!! [ throws his packet across the room and cries ]

Dave: Okay, okay, you know what? I’m gonna give the presentation!

Jim: No! I WANT TO GIVE IT!!

Dave: Okay! Well, then you stand up and you give the presentation!

Jim: I don’t LIKE you-hoo-hoo!

Dave: Stop it, stop it now! Stop it! [ Jim cries harder ] Do you want a juice box?

Jim: [ in between tears ] Yes.

[ Dave hands Jim a juice box. Jim continues to cry, in muffled tones, as he frantically sips from the juicebox. ]

Jim: Grape. It’s good.

Dave: I know. You like grape.

Jim: Y-yeah.. yeah. [ calms himself down at long last ] Win-fred Tires are the best – because they sat-is-fy – the needs of many demographic groups. With that theory in mind – we would establish a comprehensive campaign that would – fulfill and successfully ex-plote —

Dave: [ helping Jim ] Ex-ploit. Sound it out.

Jim: Ex- ex-ploit – those – consumer markets.

Rob: [ impressed ] Wow! That is actually the strategy that we’ve been looking for.

Janice: Yes.

Rob: I’m sold. Thank you.

Janice: [ to Jim ] That wasn’t so hard, now was it?

Jim: [ shakes his head No, as he continues to sip from his juice box ] No.

Dave: [ stands ] I’m glad you feel confident in our approach, and I’ll send the paperwork over tomorrow morning.

Janice: Great! Excellent. [ she and Rob stand ]

Rob: Thank you.

Janice: Thank you so much.

Rob: Bye bye.

Janice: Thank you.

Rob: Thanks. Good morning.

Janice: Good morning.

[ Rob and Janice exit the office; Dave closes the door behind them ]

Jim: Whew! Wow, what a bunch of anuses!

Dave: Yeah! Nice job. Come on, let’s go get a lap dance.

Jim: Okay, yeah.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 15

98o: Ray Romano / The Corrs

Roberto Benigni at Carnabie’s

Maitre’d…..Chris Kattan
Waitress…..Ana Gasteyer
Roberto Benigni…..Ray Romano
Male Patron…..Will Ferrell
Female Patron…..Molly Shannon
Second Female Patron…..Cheri Oteri
Lone Patron…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on interior, Carnabie’s Restaurant ]

Maitre’D: No, we really don’t have anything open right now.. unless you’d like to come back at midnight?

Angry Patron: But we have a reservation! We made it months ago! Tonight’s our anniversary.

Maitre’D: Well, there’s always next year. [ Angry Patron storms out, as phone rings ] Hello. Carnaby’s. I’m sorry, we don’t.. oh, my God! Oh, my God! [ to passing Waitress ] Roberto Benigni is coming!

Waitress: Oh, my God!

Maitre’D: I know! [ on phone ] Yes, yes, Mr. Benigni, okay! [ to Waitress ] He’s on his way! Fix up a place! [ on phone ] When will you arrive, Mr. Benigni?

Roberto Benigni: [ enters restaurant, carrying cellphone ] I’m-a here!

Maitre’D: Oh, my God! Mr. Benigni! [ laughs ]

Roberto Benigni: I’m-a sorry! This phone has-a no connection through the wall! [ throws phone over his shoulder ]

Waitress: [ laughing ] Oh, Mr. Benigni, we’re so happy to have you!

Roberto Benigni: Hey! I’m-a happy to have-a you! [ laughs and picks her up, as she laughs ] And-a you! [ picks up Maitre’D, making him laugh, too ] And-a you! [ attempts to pick up heavyset waiter, climbs into his arms instead ] I love-a you! Thank you very much for this-a warm-a welcome! You make-a my buttocks-a full, with-a juice of-a many llamas!

[ everyone laughs ]

Waitress: Oh, Mr. Benigni, we just love you! Please, follow me, your table is over here.. [ approaches couple sitting at table ] You have to leave now.

Male Patron: What? We just sat down..

Waitress: Come on, come on, look who’s here.

Male Patron: [ excited ] Oh, my God! Roberto Benigni!

[ Male and Female Patron stand up immediately ]

Roberto Benigni: Oh, and this is-a for you – [ touches Female Patron’s ass ] Hello, goodbye! Hello, goodbye!

Female Patron: Oh! Whoo! Roberto Benigni is jiggling my ass!

Male Patron: Can I take a picture? [ snaps picture as they pose ]

Roberto Benigni: I love you! I want to give all of you all my love and squeezings! [ tosses bowl of soup at Male Patron ] Soup-a!

Male Patron: Owww!! Roberto Benigni just scalded me with hot soup! Oww!![ everyone laughs ] I can’t wait to tell my mother!

Roberto Benigni: I’m-a sorry, I’m-a sorry! [ grabs his wallet ] Oh! This is your dollars? I take-a now! [ laughs ] It’s funny!

Male Patron: It’s hilarious! And I am burned pretty badly. Yeah. Yeah.

Roberto Benigni: I’m-a sorry! I love-a you all! [ approaches Second Female Patron ] Oh, I love-a you, too! [ grabs pepper spray ] What is this? What is this?

Second Female Patron: Oh, that’s pepper spray.
Roberto Benigni: Oh! [ sprays at her ] I make-a you sneeze! [ laughs ]

Second Female Patron: [ laughs between tears ] You’re irrepressible!

Roberto Benigni: And-a for you.. [ dumps cake on man’s head, making him laugh as well ] Full of joy! Oh, look! Look! [ grabs axe from wall, then chops Lone Patron’s hand off ]

Lone Patron: Aaaggghhhhh!! [ laughs, though blood shoots out of his arm ] I’m a doctor! You ruined my career! [ still laughs ] You are an international funny man!

Roberto Benigni: [ laughing ] I don’t know! I do not know!

Maitre’D: Oh, Mr. Benigni, please! We’ve prepared a special feast for you. Have some champagne.

Roberto Benigni: [ stands on table ] Oh, please! Please! Please! To all my very good friends – please excuse my revolting English – but, please, believe me.. I have never felt such a joy and love without ruining a towel! [ everyone laughs ] And that is what love is all about – loving and giving and tickling and sucking! You maske-a me so happy! I want to show you La Luna! [ bends over and moons everyone in the restaurant, as they continue to laugh at his antics ]

[ screen shrinks to reveal itself as Variety news photo, with headline “Benigni Incorrigible!” ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 15

98o: Ray Romano / The Corrs

Petracelli’s Dreams

Sarge…..Will Ferrell
Preston…..Jimmy Fallon
Petracelli…..Ray Romano
Soldier…..Horatio Sanz
Peterson…..Chris Parnell

[ open on stock war footage ]

[ SUPER: “Somewhere in France 1944” ]

[ dissolve to billowing smoke rising near a foxhole, as gunfire echoes in the background. A soldier plays music on his harmonica. ]

Sarge: Alright, there’s two S.S. units right over the river! And I think I can see a pansar tag camoflauge in that burned-out farm house. Preston, any luck with that radio?

Preston: The radio’s busted. Now get off my back, Sarge!

Sarge: Hey! Don’t you GET it?! We’re gonna DIE unless we get support! There’s NO WAY out of here!!

Petracelli: Hey, lay off him, man!

Soldier: Hey – I know we’re gonna make it out – I can’t think any other way, or I’m gonna go insane!

Peterson: Hey, you know what the first thing I’m gonna do when I get out of here is?

Sarge: What’s that, Peterson?

Peterson: I’m gonna go home to my Mary Ellen, and love her forever. [ kisses her photo ]

Soldier: It sounds like heaven, man.

Preston: I’ll tell you – the first thing I’m gonna do? I’m gonna try out for the Cleveland Indians. Then, I’m gonna hit a home run off of St. Louis in the world Series!

Sarge: I look forward to hearing that on the radio, kid.

[ everyone shows a round of support for his dream ]

Soldier: Hey! I’m gonna open up a restaurant! And I want all you Joe’s to be there opening night! We’ll eat pasta fasul and drink wine ’til the sun comes up!

Preston: That sounds like the greatest night ever!

Petracelli: You know what the first thing I’m gonna do is when I get out of here?

Sarge: What’s that, Petracelli?

Petracelli: Right away – as soon as I get off the plane – I’m gonna enter a nice, refreshing hot dog eating contest, and eat, like, eighty hot dogs in ten minutes. Then, when it’s all over, I’ll vomit up all the hot dogs and be, like, “Whazzup? I just came in third?”

[ the other soldiers are taken aback, but try to be supportive ]

Preston: Huh? Hot dogs are good, I guess.

Petracelli: Then I’m gonna get some pants that are way too tight for me, and a red silk tank top, and I’m gonna cruise around the parks looking for little cute boys.

[ the soldiers are speechless ]

Soldier: Hey, that’s messed up.

Petracelli: Yeah? Well, it’s MY DREAM, man!! So, lay OFF it!! [ pauses ] Then I’m gonna get a nice little house, with a white picket fence.

Peterson: Oh, that sounds like heaven.

Petracelli: I’m gonna kidnap hobos and mess with their heads, so they’ll be my slaves. I’ll have, like, a hobo army of zombies mowing my lawn and making porno films for me. Every American should have the right to a nice house and hobo sex slaves. Isn’t that what we’re fighting the war for?!

[ the other soldiers are stunned ]

Sarge: You’re screwed up, Petracelli.

Petracelli: I’m screwed up with HOPE!! Because we can DO it! We can get OUT of here!

[ a bomb explodes right in front of their foxhole ]

Peterson: That mortar’s drawing a beat on us, Sarge! [ to his photo ] Don’t worry, Mary Ellen! We’re gonna make it! [ kisses the photo again ]

Petracelli: [ bandishing his machine gun ] We gotta get out of here! So I can publish my own coffee table book of men’s dongs! It’ll be real tasteful – you know, just Polaroids of guys pissing at the bus station! Nothing fancy!

Soldier: [ lunges for Petracelli ] You SICK bastard!! Shut the hell up!!

Sarge: [ holds him back ] Easy! Easy! If we turn against each other, we die!

Soldier: He’s a PERVERT!!

Petracelli: Quit judging my dreams, man, I’m JUST like you!! I’m scared of the thoughts of – of getting out of here – uh – keeping me alive! I may die here today, but the thought of forcing a hen to go DOWN on me is keeping me ALIVE!

Soldier: [ tries again to lunge for Petracelli ] SHUT THE HELL UP!!

Sarge: [ holds him back again ] Come on!

[ another bomb goes off in front of them ]

[ cut to stock footage of bombs exploding ]

[ cut back to the foxhole, all the sldiers dead except for Petracelli. He rises as the music sweeps around him and runs off. ]

[ SCROLLING SUPER: [ accompanied by voiceover ] “And so, Private Petracelli survived the skirmish, and he went on to join the U.S. troops for the final charge into Berlin. And when he cornered Hitler in his bunker, he quickly took the fifty bucks Hitler gave him to let him sneak out the back.

How do I know this?

Because my name is Shaun Hitler.

No relation. But man, wouldn’t that have been freaky? And yes, that name has hurt my voice-over career.

A lot.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 15

98o: Ray Romano / The Corrs

Goodnights

…..Ray Romano

Ray Romano: Thank you to The Corrs! Peter Boyle! Doris Roberts! Lorne Michaels! “Saturday Night Live” cast, crew, writers! Everybody in my family! New York! Uh, I gotta go find a new dream! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 15

98o: Ray Romano / The Corrs

Ray Romano’s Monologue

…..Ray Romano
…..Peter Boyle
…..Doris Roberts

Ray Romano: Yeah! Oh, boy! Thank you, thank you! Hey there now. Thank you so much! Oh, man, I’m not that good, I don’t think. Let me just say, I can’t tell you what a thrill it is to be hosting Saturday Night Live. I started watching Saturday Night Live as a teenager, right here, of course, in New York City. My hometown, New York City. Yeah. And here I am. Here I am, and now I gotta be funny. First I have to say, let me get this out of the way, I have to say hi to my kids at home. Hi guys! Okay, go to bed! All right, I have a couple of kids at home, I have an eight-year-old daughter, twin six-year-old boys, and a one-year-old boy at home. Yeah, so, uh, oh, thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. You know what, I don’t care if you laugh or not. I’m just happy to be out of the house. Yeah, that is a crazy house. I have to leave my house just to do things. You know what’s hard to do now, just write jokes. I don’t have any time to right jokes, and not only that, but all my comedy is for them now. I try to make them laugh, especially with the new baby. That’s what happens when you have a baby, you become a comedian for him. I can make him laugh. I can make an infant laugh in a split second. I’m losing my perspective on adult humor. That’s what’s happening. I wrote one new joke since my baby was born. Here, is this funny? What do you think of this? (takes out keys and jiggles them in front of audience) Hi! Hi everybody! Yeah! Hey! Hey, guys in the band! (jiggles keys in front of SNL Band) The band loves the jiggling! All right, I’m glad you laughed at that, otherwise I would have had to come and rub my nose in your bellies. Then what? We run late, we gotta cut a sketch, nobody’s happy. But it is a crazy house, especially with twins. I don’t know if there are any parents of twins here tonight, but I think – are there? Are there parents of twins? They’re probably here but they don’t have the energy to clap. (makes sighing noises) They’re crazy! They’re nuts! They’re running all over, you can’t stop them. You ever try to carry one? You ever carry a six-year-old against his will? They all have the same martial art move. You give them a few steps, and then they have the anti-lift slide. Yeah, aw, you can’t stop them. You can’t stop them; you can only try to contain them. They’re cute, though. Twins are cute. I have identical twins, which is very cute. Now, because they’re six… and it doesn’t matter what they look like. It’s cute. When they get older I hope they’re handsome. No, because it’s dangerous, even if they’re slightly ugly. There’s two. There’s two of them. Yeah, you’re gonna notice that. If you see one slightly ugly man walk across the room, that’s no big deal. If you see the same ugliness right behind him, yeah, you’re gonna notice. Hey, look at that. Look at that! Come here! I didn’t think he was that ugly until I saw him again! Ugly! Ugly! Yeah! Yeah, they’re great kids. My wife wanted five kids when we got married…

Peter Boyle: Ah, you’re doing it wrong. You’re doing it wrong. (walks onto the stage with Doris Roberts, audience cheers wildly)

Ray Romano: What are you doing?  What are you doing? What the hell are you doing?

Doris Roberts: Hello, Raymond, honey. We didn’t mean to interrupt.

Peter Boyle: You’re doing it wrong. You don’t do stand-up in the monologue.

Doris Roberts: That’s right. He’s right.

Ray Romano: Listen, thank you. Okay, thank you. Thanks for the advice, but you guys… you guys realize you’re not my real parents.

Peter Boyle: Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? What? You think I don’t know a thing or two about this? I do.

Ray Romano: Okay.

Peter Boyle: Roll the tape!

[show clip of “Dueling Brandos” sketch from when Boyle hosted in 1975]

Peter Boyle: I could have been a contender, I could have been somebody instead of a bum, which is what I am. Let’s face it, Charlie.

John Belushi: I could have been Senator Corleone. Governor Corleone. There wasn’t enough time, Michael.

[back to stage]

Ray Romano: All right, all right. I get it. Yeah, you told me that. You told me that a thousand times. You told me that.

Doris Roberts: All right, wait, I have a tape, too. Go ahead.

[show clip of Roberts in “My Giant”]

Doris Roberts: Sammy! Sammy!

Billy Crystal: Hiya, Mom.

[back to stage]

Ray Romano: What are you – that’s – what are you doing? That’s – that’s… all right, we got a great show!

Doris Roberts: All right, pull yourself together.

Ray Romano: The Corrs are here tonight! Yeah! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Mike S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 15

98o: Ray Romano / The Corrs

Sportscenter

Stuart Scott…..Tim Meadows
Chet Harper…..Ray Romano
Director…..Jimmy Fallon

Stuart Scott: Welcome to Sports Center I’m Stuart Scott. And besides me is newcomer to the program, Chet Harper.

Chet Harper: Hey, hey how are you doing Stuart?

Stuart Scott: Chet’s more excited than Dennis Rodman at a Clinique sale…BOOYAH! Got ya partner! Well, the Lakers and the Sonics, at the forum, two of the favorites in ’99.. so, who’s it going to be in Y2K? Well, Shaq weighed in with his opinion – Boo-yah! Boo-yah! Boo-yah! That’s right! Shaq-Daddy with 37 points – he sends an invitation to the Finals party, and it says “B.Y.O.B.”: “Bring Your Own Boo-yah!” The Lakers destroy the Sonics, 114-82. Chet?

Chet Harper: Thank you, Stuart! Latest talk is that David Robinson is over the hill. But in my book, you gotta get to Whitecastle before the weirdos show up! Tonight at the Alamodome, he gets Happy-Go-Jackie on the big white guy like a donkey eating a waffle! Sweet Sassy Molassey! Get out the checkbook and pay grandma for the rubdown as the Spurs beat the Heat, 86-79! Stuart!

Stuart Scott: The New Jersey Nets may be the team of the future, but tonight, against the Knicks, they were the team of.. right about.. now! The Funk Soul brother – Boo-yah! Jayson Williams with 22 rebounds, as the Nets win! Chet!

Chet Harper: Yeah! In action late last night, Sonics vs. Utah, John Stockton says, “Hey, look at me – I’m a little teapot, I’ll run right up your dress!” But then, Olden Polynice says, “I’m not gonna pay a lot for this muffler!” But then Karl Malone says, “Sweet Sassy Molassey! You are gonna pay a lot! And the cost is gonna be prohibitive!” Jazz wins, 99-93! Stu-pot!

Stuart Scott: [ to Chet ] “Sweet Sassy Molassey”?

Chet Harper: Yeah. You like it? Don’t steal it! [ to the camera ] Okay! Penguins need a win against the Bruins to get to the 500 mark. Yes, they do! But Penguin goalie Peter Skudra says, “Hey! Try not to shoot that puck up my pooper!” Yeah! But check out this guy – he says, “I’ll shoot the puck anywhere I want. And if that happens to be in your pooper, so be it!” Stu-mongi!“

Stuart Scott: [ stunned ] We’ll be right back! [ music fades commercial as Stuart looks over at Chet ] Hey, man, what are you doing there?

Chet Harper: [ confused ] What?

Stuart Scott: What was all that stuff about a puck up a guy’s pooper?

Chet Harper: I’m just riffin’, man. That’s all.

Stuart Scott: Just riffin’, huh? Come on, man, this is the Big Leagues, alright? This is Sportscenter. You can’t do that stuff. Alright?

Chet Harper: [ not understanding ] You say “Boo-yah.”

Stuart Scott: Yeah, I do. You just calm it down, alright? Just stick to sports.

Chet Harper: [ understanding ] Alright, I’m sorry. You’re right, you’re right. Sweet Sassy Molassey, you’re right.

Stuart Scott: Yeah, we’ll talk about that one later. [ the music picks up, as the show returns from commercial ] Welcome back! Let’s go to the world of Women’s Tennis, where Anna Kournikova was taking the court against the..

Chet Harper: [ interrupting ] Oh.. she’s hot.. Oh.. I don’t know about you, but my peenie just went: Broomp!

Stuart Scott: [ shocked and appalled ] Alright.. alright, uh.. let’s just skip that one.. Let’s try hockey! The Phoenix Coyotes are having their best year in history, and it’s all due to the play of one Jeremy Roenick! Roenick shoots! He scores..!

Chet Harper: [ finishing ] ..and he celebrates! Like a slave who made it to the North! [singing] Old Man River!

Stuart Scott: You’d better watch what you’re saying, man, alright?..

Chet Harper: [ riffing, holds his hand up for a high-five ] You’d better watch what you’re saying!

Stuart Scott: [ to the camera ] Alright, we’ll be right back. [ show goes to commercial, Stuart turns to Chet ] Alright, look, that’s it. Listen, you’re done, just get out of here, I’ll do the rest of this myself.

Chet Harper: [ confused ] What? Sweet Sassy Molassey, I’m doing my best here.

Stuart Scott: [ mimicking ] Sweet Sassy Molassey.. [ angry ] Get him out of here before he says that again!

[ stagehand grabs Chet ]

Chet Harper: Alright, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go! But let me just say one thing: I’ve always wanted to be a sportcaster. Your clever metaphors and catchphrases escape me. Like a fat girl waving her trophy from the smell contest. But I want you to listen here! I’m not giving up! Alright? I’ll be back. If it takes me two-hundred years, I’ll be back! Lord Sweet Pappy Johnson with an erection, I will be back!

Stuart Scott: No, you won’t.

Chet Harper: [ defeated ] Yeah, you’re probably right!

[ Stagehand drags Chet out as Stuart completes Sportscenter solo for the evening ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 15

98o: Ray Romano / The Corrs

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
…..Cheri Oteri

Announcer: From the news capitol of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.

In a Newsweek interview, former adviser to the President George Stephanopoulos said that Clinton isn’t fit to be elected, and has “tarnished his Presidency and all of us associated with it.” As the saying goes: George, you’re a day late and very short.

Former Tennessee Governor Lamar Alexander announced this week his second bid for the Republican nomination for President. In a related story, Susan Lucci was nominated for another Emmythis week.

During his trip to Central America this week, President Clinton received a standing ovation from the Salvadoran Left as he spoke to their National Assembly. In his speech he said he hoped that El Salvador would see the U.S. in a “new way, as a partner, a friend, a colleague.” Then he took El Salvador’s hand and placed it on his genitals.

After “Dateline NBC” aired the interview with Jane Doe No. 5, Juanita Broaddrick, President Clinton was asked if he was a rapist. The President told reporters, “It depends what your definition of ‘ist’ is.”

Pope John Paul and Iranian President Mohammed Khatami met at the Vatican this week. Khatami called the meeting “great and pleasant”, and said he “Wouldn’t trade it for all the anthrax in the world.”

Tom Brokaw, appearing on the “Today” show this week, upset viewers and homeless advocates when he said that he envied the extra sleep homeless people get. Brokaw later apologized for the insensitive comment saying he was just bitter because they get all the good shopping carts.

The Senate is holding hearings on deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly, make them think they are going to get a bunch of money but, in reality, they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.”

Colin Quinn: And now, here to discuss Women’s History Month, is our own Cheri Oteri.

Cheri Oteri: Thanks, Col. I’d like to talk about Women’s History Month tonight. And I brought along Fantasy Barbie with me to help illustrate the progress that women’s history made over the last century. Okay, Colin? Now, over by you – that’s going to represent the caveman times [ positions Fantasy Barbie by Colin ], and down here is Total Gender Equality [ positions Fantasy Barbie by her ]. Got me?

Now, in the beginning of the century, things are going well: Susan B. Anthony, Madam Curie, and then.. uh-oh! Amelia Earhart’s going to be the first woman to fly around the world, Col. But, guess what? She gets lost and dies, uh-oh!

Colin Quinn: Maybe that’s why women always want to ask for directions.

Cheri Oteri: [ laughs ] Dont. [ pause ] Alright, now we’re at the 30’s and 40’s: Elenour Roosevelt, Rosie the Riveter.. but then, uh-oh! Here comes Marilyn Monroe, dress flying up around her kooch! And she’s sleeping with the President. So, basically, Marilyn’s saying that in order for women to be sexy, they have to be so confused, they’re almost retarded.

Now, the 60’s: The National Organization for Women is founded, doctors invent the birth control pill, and Twiggy invents anorexia – uh-oh! Now women are free to have sex, but they don’t enjoy it because they think their ass is too fat. Oh, that hits home!

Now, the 70’s and 80’s can be summed up in two words, Col: Jane Fonda. Oh, she made “Barbarella” – that no good! Hey, she’s a political activist, though – that’s better. Uh-oh, she got breast implants – uh-oh! Now she has breasts made out of this stuff – feel it, Col. [ holds Fantast Barbie in front of Colin ]

Colin Quinn: [ declining ] I know what that feels like.

Cheri Oteri: Yeah, I’m sure you do.

Alright, now it’s 1990, and the best author in the world is a woman. Uh-oh! But it’s Danielle Steel. You know it’s a good book, Colin, when the cover is hot pink.

Okay – 1991: Pamela Lee shows up and makes Marilyn Monroe look like Steven Hawking in a dress.

Hey – 1995: Shannon Faulkner is the first woman admitted into the Citadel. Uh-oh! She quits the first week! “I’m going home, this hard!”

1997: Guess what, ladies? Viagra works for men, but not for women. Keep on faking it, Barbie! Okay, which brings us up to today and Monica Lewinsky. Uh-oh! [ thrusts Fantasy Barbie into Colin’s crotch ] And that’s where we’re at, Colin. Now – why don’t you call me anymore?

Colin Quinn: [ confused ] What?

Cheri Oteri: You heard me, Colin. Why don’t you call me anymore?

Colin Quinn: [ fumbling ] Well.. I was gonna call you.

Cheri Oteri: [ mimicking ] “I was gonna call you.” So just call me, Colin.

Colin Quinn: Cheri Oteri, everybody. I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 20th, 1999

Drew Barrymore

Garbage

None

Edward Norton
Academy Awards Pre-ShowSummary: Joan Rivers (Ana Gasteyer) morphs into a demon while bothering celebrities during the Academy Awards Pre-Show.

Recurring Characters: Joan Rivers, John Travolta, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Melissa Rivers.

Montage

Drew Barrymore’s MonologueSummary: Drew Barrymore sings about her wild Hollywood lifestyle over the years.

Also Hosted: 82g, 01c, 03l.

Transcript

Jeopardy!Summary: Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond) competes against Calista Flockhart (Drew Barrymore) and Nicolas Cage (Jimmy Fallon).

Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery, Calista Flockhart.

Transcript

Banana RepublicSummary: Sweater folders (Drew Barrymore, Chris Kattan) at the Banana Republic panic when a customer (Horatio Sanz) won’t tell them how he’s doing.

VH1: Behind the MusicSummary: Toni Tennille (Drew Barrymore) and Daryl “The Captain” Dragon (Edward Norton) meekly brag of their musical success.

Recurring Characters: Toni Tennille.

Transcript

The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, ShowSummary: Melanie Griffith (Drew Barrymore) tries to get sexy with her self-interested husband, Antonio Banderas (Chris Kattan).

Note: For the live show, Chris Kattan pasted fake pubic hair to his legs without Lorne Michaels’ knowledge.

Recurring Characters: Antonio Banderas, Señor Guadalupe Ramirez.

Transcript

Fun With Real Audio

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) wants Hillary to run for Senate so he can score a little alone time. Chris Kattan interprets Cher’s new song, “Believe.”

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Garbage performs “Special”Transcript

Dog ShowRecurring Characters: Miss Colleen, David Larry.

VH1: Behind the MusicSummary: A Rick Allen imposter (Chris Parnell) pretends to have only one arm.

Terrence Maddox & LucyRecurring Characters: Terrence Maddox.

Garbage performs “When I Grow Up”

VH1: Behind the MusicSummary: Fred Schneider (Will Ferrell) admits he makes up song titles by matching odd words together.

Recurring Characters: Fred Schneider.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts