SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 7

98g: Jennifer Love Hewitt / Beastie Boys

The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show

Antonio Banderas…..Chris Kattan
Señor Guadalupe Ramirez…..Jimmy Fallon
Guitarrists…..Darrell Hammond, Chris Parnell
Gina Cutter…..Jennifer Love Hewitt

[Fade up to Antonio Banderas sitting on a couch with his mariachi band, which is playing soft music behind him. Fade up “The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show with Antonio Banderas.” Dissolve to closer view of Antonio.]

Antonio Banderas: Hello. I am Antonio…y Banderas. I am…[whispers] actor! Welcome to The…how do you say?…Ah yes….Show. Now, say hello to our good friend, and a very sexy man: Señor Guadalupe Ramirez and the Gatos Picantes.

[band plays some notes]

Guadalupe: Thank you my friend, yes!

[band plays two notes]

Antonio: You…you are so the sexy!

Guadalupe: NO, NO, NO! YOU! YOU ARE THE SEXY, YES!…[his bandmates start agreeing with him; Antonio laughs] YES, MY FRIEND! ¡SÍ, SÍ! YOU SEXY!

Antonio: Gracias. I mean…graci-ass.

Band: Ohh!

Antonio: No I don’t.

Band: Oh.

Antonio: [exhales] Let’s be seriousness now. [band resumes soft music] For a moment. No more jokey stuff. None of the ha-has. Please, put the hands together for tonight’s very special breast. She is a young woman…es…she is the recycling chairman of her college juniversity. Please welcome Miss Gina Cutter.

[The band plays faster music. Antonio stands up. Cheers and applause as Gina comes in. Antonio kisses her hand and gives her a rose. Gina sits down. The music stops.]

Please…seat.

[band plays two notes; Antonio sits down]

Gina Cutter: Thank you, Mr. Banderas.

Antonio: No. No no no, no, no no no. Call me…”The Sexy.”

Gina: Okay, Mr. Sexy…

Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] ¡TÚ MR. SEXY! YES! ¡TÚ SEXY!

Antonio: [laughs; Gina smells the rose] This is true….It is getting hot in here, no?

Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] A little hot, yes.

Antonio: Well, [stands up] I think I’ll just…

Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO!…NO, PLEASE! NO, NO! TOO SEXY! NO! ¡QUÉ BAMBINO! NO, NO! IT’S TOO SEXY! PLEASE! [cheers]

Antonio: But I must. [band plays fast music while he undoes a button on his shirt]…Thank you. [sits back down] Okay. Now we have a good time.

[starts looking at Gina’s breasts] Wait an hour here! What is this?

Gina: Hm?

Antonio: I did not bro– uh, notice that you brought your friends. [motions to Gina’s breasts]…Who – who are your friends? And – and what is their names?

Gina: [clutching her chest] My friends?

Antonio: Shh! Don’t wake them….Don’t close their eyes. [puts Gina’s hands down]…They are tucked in and sleeping like two friendly, boobily things….You know, the kind you like to hang like ornaments from a Christmas train….Very sexy.

Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] VERY SEXY! VERY SEXY! [laughs]

Gina: Wait a minute, aren’t you married to Melanie Griffith?

Antonio: [laughs] Sí. I am betrothed to her. She is, uh…how do you say…ah yes. Old, and not here.

Gina: [appalled] That – that is your wife you’re talking about! That is not very nice!

Antonio: [getting gradually closer to Gina’s face] Shhhhh…[touches Gina’s lip] shh-poo-poo! Listen to me. You can make the lips move, but don’t make a sound.

Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] VERY SEXY, YES! VERY, VERY SEXY, SIR! PLEASE! [Antonio raises his finger]…Very sorry.

Antonio: It is hot in here, no?

Gina: No, it’s not hot at all.

Antonio: Well then, in that case… [stands up]

Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO, NO! PLEASE, NO! DON’T DO IT! NO, SEÑOR! PLEASE, NO! IT’S SIMPLY LOCO! ¡QUÉ BAMBINO! DON’T DO IT! NO! [cheers]

Antonio: But I must! [band plays fast music while he undoes the next button on his shirt]…Okay. [grabs his zipper] Maybe I should let my [faster music] friend to come out to play for– no….[music stops; sits back down] Okay.

Now….Now is the time– [calms the audience down] please, let’s, come on. Now is the time of the show when I have the sex with you. [turns to Gina]

Gina: [shocked] What?! No! [Antonio starts to get on top of her] No!

Antonio: No, I am sorry. All of a sudden, I hear nothing. But I must warn you: I can be very loud. I like to scream some quotes from my movie, Evita. [winks]

Gina: Oh my God! I am 19, you creep!

Antonio: In my country, you are past the prime. [winks]

Gina: [tries to fight him off] No, I made a big mistake coming here!

Antonio: Ohh! Yes, you are right! It is truly hot in here. Maybe I should just do something about it. [stands up]

Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO! NO, PLEASE! IT’S TOO SEXY! NO! NO! LET’S– MI AMIGO, PLEASE! HEY, SEÑOR! IT’S TOO SEXY! NO!

Antonio: But I must! [band plays loud, fast music while he tries to take his shirt off and advance toward Gina] NOW! I WILL HAVE THE SEX WITH YOU! I HAVE YOUR ARM, THAT WILL BE MINE! [Gina puts her hand in his face and leaves in a hurry] COME ON! COME ON! LET’S DO IT NOW!

[music becomes soft; Antonio sits back down with his shirt half off]

She will be back. For she is like a bird. And I am like a tiger. And when we make the sex, we will produce a bird…ger….Well, you know what I’m saying. Well! We will see you next time on The…[music stops momentarily] how do you say? Ah yes. Show.

[music becomes faster while the band circles around the couch and table; fade up title]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 21st, 1998

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Beastie Boys

None

John Goodman

Muse Watson

Lorne Michaels
Lewinsky/Tripp Phone ChatSummary: Monica Lewinsky (Molly Shannon) and Linda Tripp (John Goodman) pig out while chatting with one another over the phone.

Recurring Characters: Monica Lewinsky, Linda Tripp.

Montage

Jennifer Love Hewitt’s MonologueSummary:

The Ladies ManSummary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) wishes a Happy Skanksgiving to the beautiful ladies watching his show tonight.

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

Transcript

More Duets That Prove That I Am The Best Singer In The WorldSummary: Celine Dion (Ana Gasteyer) announces her latest self-indulgent album.

Recurring Characters: Celine Dion.

The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, ShowSummary: .

Recurring Characters: Antonio Banderas, Señor Guadalupe Ramirez.

Transcript

The SpartansSummary: Working as candy stripers, non-Spartan cheerleaders Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) deliver the perfect cheer as Alexis (Jennifer Love Hewitt) gives birth.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

TV FunhouseSummary: The Ambiguously Gay Duo.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnNote: Colin Quinn delivers the news alone, with no guest commentaries.

Transcript

The Beastie Boys perform “Three MC’s & One DJ”Also Performed: 94g.

Clean Teen Deodorant Spokesperson SearchSummary:

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Let’s Make This Happen!Summary: Hollywood hopefuls compete on a game show to get their movie premises greenlighted.

The Beastie Boys perform “Sabotage”

Saddam’s Private BunkerSummary: Saddam Hussein (Will Ferrell) tries to thwart the U.N. inspectors’ search of his private bunker, so they won’t find his embarrassing personal effects.

Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Collette Reardon…..Cheri Oteri

[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]

Colin Quinn: Okay, folks!

Here’s the latest situation in Iraq. This morning Iraq sent the U.N. a letter saying, “Okay. The weapons inspectors can come back.” Late this afternoon, the White House rejected the letter. Clinton said, “That’s an insincere apology. And I know an insincere apology when I hear one.”

So now…we might have a war, folks. All right? Now why did it have to come to this? Come on! We’ve given them more warnings over there than Billy Crystal’s managers when they handed him the script to My Giant….Why did they push us? Don’t they know that’s what we do? We have bombs, and if you have bombs, you’re gonna want to show them off, eventually. Like the guy with the black belt; even if he’s a nice guy, sooner or later he’s gonna want to throw a kick at somebody.

And it’s all about getting the U.N. weapons inspectors back in. And that’s the worst job in the world. Who do you have to piss off to get that assignment in your country? All right? One minute, you get a nice government job in Norway, surrounded by beautiful blonde women, you accidentally hit on your boss’ mistress; next thing you know, you’re in Baghdad sharing a tent with an Egyptian who called in sick too much….You know. And some Tanzanian guy who mouthed off at the office Christmas party.

And you know, we’ve been sanctioning these people for eight years, they have nothing over there, only the bare necessities. And Hussein still gets a 97 percent approval rating….Of course, the polls are different over there. Guys come up to your house with machetes. “What do you think of Hussein?”…”I like him!”

But a war is not good, folks. Nobody profits from a war. Only the guy in Jersey who’s printing up the “Saddam sucks” T-shirts, as we speak. And Wolf Blitzer, who bought a new blazer today ’cause he thinks his career is coming back.

[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin: Aah, folks! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn! Thank you, folks!

President Clinton agreed yesterday to pay Paula Jones 850,000 dollars to drop her sexual harassment lawsuit, making it the most money a hillbilly has gotten since Buddy Ebsen was shootin’ at some food. [some applause]

You know, between Jesse “The Body” and Paula Jones, this is the most lucrative week for white trash since “Cops” went into syndication. [cheers]

This week, an appeals court reversed a prior decision awarding O.J. Simpson custody of the two children he had with Nicole Brown. The court expressed concern when they learned that when the kids are bad, O.J. warns them, “Don’t make me get the knife!” [some groans]…Tragedy is great comedy, folks. You know that.

Many insiders…many insiders are speculating that Newt Gingrich’s next move could be product endorsement. Coca-Cola has offered him a million dollars to drink Pepsi. [cheers and applause]

Yesterday, Ken Starr in – indicted President Clinton’s friend Webster Hubbell on 15 counts of perjury and fraud relating to the Whitewater investigation. In a related story, next week Luke Perry is going back to “90210.”…Back to Whitewater, huh Ken?

House Majority Leader Dick Armey is being challenged for his post by ex-NFL player Steve Largent. Now, if you play in the NFL, you’re definitely gonna get the macho vote. Who’s more macho than an ex-football player? Only a guy named Dick Armey. [some cheers and applause]…I don’t know. It’s macho, folks!…It sounds like the G.I. Joe doll nobody talked about, when we were little.

International terrorist Carlos the Jackal has refused food and water this week in protest over his treatment in a French prison. Carlos admits that the French guards don’t hit him; they are just very, very condescending.

Tibet’s exiled Dalai Lama this week said the distrust between himself and China is too deep to reopen Tibetan autonomy talks. Of course this guy says he can’t work things out! The Dalai Lama is in no rush to get back! People over here are throwing benefits for him, dedicating Oscars to him. What are his choices? Fasting on a mountain with some monks, or making out with Gretchen Moll at the premiere of Meet Joe Black….Or a third choice, which I don’t know, but…

This week, folks, the National Governors’ Association welcomed Minnesota’s new governor, Jesse Ventura, who arrived late wearing a tasseled leather jacket and white boots. Yeah, that’s how you want your governor dressing like! Tanya Tucker with a dash of gay stripper. [some cheers and applause] I’ll say it to his face, folks!

Yesterday, Sean Connery’s wife…Sean Connery’s wife was robbed of about one million dollars’ worth of jewelry while she was at dinner. To add insult to injury, Roger Moore and Pierce Brosnan were called in to investigate.

A news report that alleges Israeli agents are using Canadian passports for covert operations has caused a rise in diplomatic tensions between Canada and Israel. Feel the wrath and power of Canada! [some applause]

The general manager of the New York Mets took a leave of absence this week after a former employee threatened to sue him for sexual harassment. Ah, you can’t blame him, he’s just trying to get a little Mookie. [some boos]…You know…it’s New York, folks. It’s the only place it even had a chance, and you turned on it, all right?

According to an article in The New Yor— in The Washington Post, many senior citizens are choosing retirement communities near their old colleges. The new residents are finding it is invigorating to be in such a young atmosphere, but were disappointed that the phrase “I was at Normandy” won’t get you laid anymore.

According to Swing magazine, the most influential twenty-something in America is Monica Lewinsky. The least influential twenty-something in America is Dirty Jack from the Dairy Mart in Webster, Texas….That’s a real guy that I have to see every day. All right?

The English tabloids reported that three members of Prime Minister Tony Blair’s cabinet are gay. However, it turns out that the men were just really, really British. [some applause]

This week, rapper Ol’ Dirty Bastard was arrested for terrorist threats against his girlfriend. You can read about it in the new Wu-Tang book, Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Page Them….It’s his third arrest this year, folks. His third arrest this year. Him and Bobby Brown are getting to be like Sosa and McGwire. [some applause]

Universal has had to push back the release date for their Thanksgiving sequel to Babe. Production was thrown off schedule when the caterers made a terrible, terrible mistake. [some applause]

Two large drug companies announced earlier this week that they have developed new painkillers that work without the side effects associated with aspirin and ibuprofen. Here to comment is our resident prescription drug, uh…expert? Yeah, expert. Please welcome Collette Reardon.

[Pan over to Collette, who’s in a drug-induced state. She has a plastic bag full of prescription drugs and takes some out throughout her appearance.]

Collette Reardon: Hi, Col! You know, Col, there’s so many exciting new prescriptions on the horizon, that this gal’s just beside herself!

Colin: What do you got there?

Collette: Oh, these. Well, these – these are just my personal travel pack of prescription honeys. Yeah. You see, I take – I take the Funerol here–

Colin: Furenol?!

Collette: Yeah. The Furenol. It’s a kick-ass combo of analgesics and barbiturates, Col. Prescribed to me by my psychopharmacologist, Dr. Dominick Aku. Good kid, good kid, ‘Ku!…Well now, for example, Col, okay…when I get a headache, all right? I just knock back some of the Furees along with a baker’s dozen of the Percocet…you know, just to make pain my bitch.

Colin: [confused] Okay.

Collette: No one gets hurt!

Colin: Super! So what do you make of this new painkiller that is soon to be put out on the market?

Collette: I’m not fightin’ it! No! No fight here! You know, I could probably use them as a handy chaser to my Diazepam that I take for my acute anx – anxiety, [energetically] on account of the holidays comin’ up, Col!

Colin: Why do the holidays have you so frazzled?

Collette: Well, for starters, Col, I can’t decide whether to get your standard Buttel – Butterball, or just a kick-ass ham! So Dr. Tito Bevilaqua hooks me up with a handful of Demerol paired with a shot of liquid Methedrine, and poof! Guess who’s in the holiday spirit!

Colin: You?

Collette: You guessed ‘er, Chester! [laughs]

Colin: That’s a pretty, uh…harsh combination. Maybe next time you want to get into the holiday spirit, you should just try eggnog. [Collette laughs loudly]…I’m serious. Now, Mrs. Reardon…

Collette: That’s…[grabs her lipstick container] that’s Ms. Reardon, sexcicle. [applies lipstick]…Huh?…You know, Col…I – you know, if you don’t have any plans for turkey day, I’ve got an extra beanbag chair with your name on it. Huh?

Colin: Actually, I have plans. So uh, how are you getting home? You’re not driving, are you?

Collette: Oh no, I’m getting picked up by my buddy, Dr. Steve Longshoe. He practices medicine on the reservation. Yeah, he’s gonna hook me up with same – some peyote for my cold sore. [touches lip] Ow!…That smarts! Cold sores!

Colin: Collette Reardon, everybody. I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

[Collette sits on Colin’s lap and humps him]

[fade to black]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

Tarmac Talk

Greg Hankertine…..Tim Meadows
Debs Macallum…..Joan Allen
Jerry Seinfeld…..Jimmy Fallon

[Opens with a jumbo jet departing]

Announcer: Live from La Guardia Airport in New York City is “Tarmac Talk”. With your hosts, Greg Hankertine and Debs Macallum.

[Tarmac Talk logo]

[Debs and Greg sit on their TV talk show set on a noisy and windy airport tarmac. Cyclone fence behind them, guiding lights flashing]

Debs Macallum: Hi. I’m Debs Macallum and this is Greg Hankertine. Welcome to the very first episode of “Tarmac Talk”. The only talk show smart enough…

Greg Hankertine: …and fun enough…

Debs Macallum: …to broadcast live from an airport tarmac. Why? Because airports are exciting places. Filled with heartfelt hellos and goodbyes. What better place to host a talk show than here?

Greg Hankertine: There is none.

Debs Macallum: None.

Greg Hankertine: Debs and I worked so hard on this show. And we’re so thrilled to get it off the ground. Pun definitely intended.

Debs Macallum: That’s right. It was Greg’s brainchild. And when he told me the idea I kissed him on the lips for 8 minutes and the next day we were married.

Greg Hankertine: That’s right. Debs, I got an idea. Let’s get really special right now. Let’s start the fun, ok? Please welcome our first guest, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld.

[Jerry comes out and shakes hands, they sit down. It is very noisy and newspapers sheets blow all around]

Debs Macallum: Jerry! Thank you so much for coming to our first show of “Tarmac Talk”.

Jerry Seinfeld: Well, it’s nice to be here. But, uh, what are you people thinking? We’re on an airport tarmac!

Greg Hankertine: Yeah. Jerry, do you feel you have anything left to prove as a comedian?

Jerry Seinfeld: What?! Its very hard to hear you! Am I finished? Can I go?

[It gets dangerously windy and the jet engine roars get closer]

Greg Hankertine: Well, it is getting kind of rowdy in here. It’s kind of like a big studio audience.

Jerry Seinfeld: It’s loud and hot! I hate it.

Debs Macallum: We didn’t realize that this would happen. Some things are just unpredictable.

Jerry Seinfeld: You didn’t realize there would be planes? It’s a working airport! It’s an airport tarmac! I must ask you people again, what were you people thinking?!

Greg Hankertine: So Jerry, what about those cabbies and their b.o.?

[Jet engine roar is deafening, windy as a hurricane]

Jerry Seinfeld: WHAT?!

Greg Hankertine: Oh, my God! Debs!!!

[An airplane is taking off, the roar is thunderous, the wind blows the talk show set apart. Debs hangs on for dear life to her chair, Jerry flips over with the chair and Greg hangs to a pole and flies completely horizontal while screaming]

Jerry Seinfeld: WHOOOOOAAAHH!!!

Debs Macallum: WHOOOOO!!! HA! HA! HA!

Greg Hankertine: OH MY GOD!!!!

[Airplane takes off and the wind and roar die down. Greg comes down from the pole, Jerry gets up and sits on the table at the center. Debs puts herself together]

Greg Hankertine: Oh, boy!

Debs Macallum: Wow.

Greg Hankertine: For those of you just joining us, this is “Tarmac Talk”. And we just got our crap blown out by a United D.C. 10.

Debs Macallum: We sure did. Jerry, we apologize. We did not expect that to happen.

Greg Hankertine: No.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why not?! You’re on an airport tarmac! I can’t stress this enough! Planes take off on an airport tarmac!

Debs Macallum: Well, in retrospect. Maybe you’re right.

Jerry Seinfeld: Of course I’m right! You guys are morons!

Greg Hankertine: Well, thank you for joining us. We’re going to work out the kinks. And we invite you to tune in tomorrow. Ted Grimby from the Bronx Zoo will be here with some gorillas and crocodiles.

Jerry Seinfeld: Don’t do that! Don’t do that!

Debs Macallum: Plus a glassblowing demonstration and the world’s oldest woman!

Jerry Seinfeld: Seriously! Do not do that!

[Jet engine roars gets near, wind blows hard and fast]

Greg Hankertine: There’s another one!!! HOLD ON!!! OH YEAH!!!!

[Furious jet engine roar, Greg flies horizontally hanging from the pole, Jerry flips over, table and all, and Debs hangs on to her chair while the wind blows everything apart]

[Tarmac Talk logo]

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

Suel Forrestor

Judge…..Tim Meadows
Wallace…..Joan Allen
Murderer……Chris Parnell
Suel Forrestor…..Chris Kattan
Nathan…..John Goodman
Court Reporter…..Molly Shannon

Judge: This is case number 474J. The people of Mississippi versus Steven Harris. Mr. Harris you are charged with one count of murder in the first degree. Mrs. Wallace, is the state ready for their first opening argument?

Wallace: we are, your honor.

Judge: Proceed.

Wallace: Good morning. The facts in this case will show on the night of August first, the defendant, Steven Harris, brutally murdered his employer. This was a cold blooded killing and nothing else. Thank you.

Judge: Mr. Forrester, your opening statement.

Suel Forrestor: Ladies and gentleman of the ju-day. I like to tart off, take a tide off, for bein here tday. We preciate it. NAH! Ima putta dat dat a shattawa bat. Vat my cient is a ide at. S! Ask yourself, You execue intima man.

[slaps jury box]

Steven: Are you sure they under—

Suel Forrestor: dodatdodat (pushing fingers in Steven’s face to shut him up.)

Judge: Mrs. Wallace, would you like to call your first witness?

Wallace: Ah..I don’t comprehend a word the defense council has said but …uhm, the people call Nathan Barnett to the stand.

[Nathan enters]

Wallace: Mr. Barnett, I am to understand that you worked with the accused. Can you tell us what happened on the morning of August 1st?

Nathan: Yes ma’am. Steve came to work real agitated like and he said he was going to kill Buby Ryan, our boss.

Suel Forrestor: Ob-jeck-on, yo hona!

Judge: Did you just call me a chicken?

Suel Forrestor: No, juggs. I sai – Ob-jeck-on-a-roll, dat , tella tally a headay.

Judge: Overruled… .. I think.

Wallace: And then, uh, what did the defendant do?

Nathan: Well, he took out a gun and shot Bubby six times. And then he stabbed him like one time, then he hit him over the head with a chair. It was God awful.

Wallace: No further questions.

Judge: Mr. Forrester, your witness.

Suel Forrestor: Mista bar-day. Can you ah… can you ah tie a tittie? Zachly…hayoda dafidady? Excuse me. Afiddady?

Nathan: I-I-uh…uhm..

Suel Forrestor: Timplequestion. Tie a tittie…goahead!

Nathan: Uh.. I uh.. I don’t—know?

Suel Forrestor: So you don’t dosido, do yah?

Nathan: ….Do si do…??

Suel Forrestor: Did I juss hear ya say dosido!? Nahdosido…dosido ……………..But do…si…do. [slaps jury box]

Judge: Redirect..?

Wallace: Mr. Barnett – I don’t know what Mr. Forrester is going for…Did you witness Steven Harris murder your boss? Did you or did you not?

Nathan: Yes, ma’am. Yes I did.

Suel Forrestor: Ob-jeck-on hona go!! Dis prostritue is alle-aweea.

Wallace: Your honor, I will not sit here and stand here while this man calls me a prostitute!!

Suel Forrestor: Ah commacommacommacommacommacamellea. I din call you no protitue.

Judge: Sustained. Mr. Forrester, You may redirect.

Suel Forrestor: Mista Ba-day. Id-ea true you gotta si da dee oodabotta.

Nathan: Ahh..uhh. Ahh.. uhmm..

Suel Forrestor: You know, I gottadrinkaprobee.

Nathan: Ahm..No! …….? Wait… yes?

Suel Forrestor: Nee ah remin you. You adda oates.

Nathan: Hall and Oates???v

Wallace: This is ridiculous, your honor. Can the court reporter read back the question?

Court Reporter: [very confused] Mista Ba-day. Id-ea true you gotta si da dee ooda drinky poppa.

Suel Forrestor: Aiight. I ga sumtin to shoyah. Ta ah loo at AZZHIBI A!!!

Nathan: [stutters]

Suel Forrestor: [mocks stuttering] Somebody tell me what this man is sayin cuz I dun undastan!

Nathan: I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMO! I MURDERED BUBBY RYAN!! I MURDERED BUBBY RYAN!!! [weeps]

Suel Forrestor: [clearly] I rest my case.

[Applause erupts in courtroom.]

Judge: Order! Order! I won’t have that in this court room! Order! Order!!

[fade]

Submitted by: Lauren Leasure

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

Martha Stewart Living

Martha Stewart … Ana Gasteyer
Martha’s Mother … Joan Allen

Announcer: Tomorrow on Martha Stewart Living:

Martha Stewart: I’m Martha Stewart. Thanksgiving: it’s not just a day for turkey and dressing. This traditional American Holiday commemorates the Autumn feast when our Pilgrim forefathers and the nearby savages put an end to their vicious fighting. In keeping with that tradition I’ll be joined tomorrow on “Living” by my mother.

Mrs. Stewart: [enters] Get your bangs out of your eyes. [she brushes Martha’s bangs to the side]

Martha Stewart: We’ll reveal some of the Stewart family’s time-honored Turkey Day secrets.

Mrs. Stewart: The hell we will.

Martha Stewart: Cool it. Mother will share her famous recipe for twice-baked sweet potatoes.

Mrs. Stewart: Simple, fresh ingredients are the only secret to this classic side dish.

Martha Stewart: [picks up a bottle] Although, balsamic vinegar would make a wonderful modern addition.

Mrs. Stewart: Don’t be ridiculous. That’s idiotic.

Martha Stewart: I just thought that maybe …

Mrs. Stewart: I know what I’m doing.

Martha Stewart: Mother, you really don’t …

Mrs. Stewart: Look, don’t. Please. [grabs the bottle of vinegar away from Martha and sets it down]

Martha Stewart: [steps away and does her Martha smile] The table setting is a wonderful opportunity to marry family tradition with personal style. I’ve offset my grandmother’s stoneware with miniature gourds and these luxurious Moroccan textiles.

Mrs. Stewart: Your grandmother hated Moroccans.

Martha Stewart: [loses the smile, presses on] We’ll also relate some our favorite Thanksgiving memories. I’ll never forget the year it snowed.

Mrs. Stewart: It never snowed on Thanksgiving.

Martha Stewart: Yes it did. It’s a childhood memory I really cherish.

Mrs. Stewart: Well, it never happened.

Martha Stewart: Are you calling me a liar?

Mrs. Stewart: We will not do this here, Martha. Simmer down.

Martha Stewart: [noticeably upset now] Of course, no Thanksgiving would be complete without taking a moment to recall a few things for which we are grateful. I give thanks for forsythia, Beefeaters Gin and Caller ID. Mother?

Mrs. Stewart: I give thanks for Talbots, Beefeaters Gin and my flawless memory.

Martha Stewart: It did snow, Mother.

Mrs. Stewart: Martha, it didn’t.

Martha Stewart: It was the same Thanksgiving your forced Robby to play touch-football.

Mrs. Stewart: I never did that.

Martha Stewart: Yes, you did. You said if he didn’t you’d lock him up in a hospital for fruits.

Mrs. Stewart: Ah, yes. Now I remember.

Martha Stewart: Join us tomorrow on “Living”.

Mrs. Stewart: Thanksgiving comes but once a year.

Martha Stewart: And that’s a good thing.

[fade]

Submitted by: Michael Menninger

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

Opposites Attract

Bob Livingston…..Will Ferrell
Newt Gingrich…..Chris Parnell
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on exterior, Capitol Hill ]

[ fade to interior, Speaker’s office – Bob Livingston replaces NewtGingrich’s nameplate with his own ]

Bob Livingston: Ha ha ha! Yeah!

Newt Gingrich: [ enters ] Bob.

Bob Livingston: Oh, hey, Newt.

Newt Gingrich: Oh, hey, Speaker of the House. I don’t mean tointerrupt.

Bob Livingston: Oh no, don’t be silly. Technically, it’s not myoffice yet.

Newt Gingrich: No, sit down. I just came by to clear out my desk.

Bob Livingston: I did that for you. I put all your stuff right here in this box.

Newt Gingrich: Oh. Well.. thank you.

Bob Livingston: Don’t mention it.

Newt Gingrich: Where’s my cup? My “Speaker Does it on the Floor” cup? [ points to desk ] You’ve got your pens in it!

Bob Livingston: Oh. Is that yours? I thought it came with the office.

Newt Gingrich: No! [ takes his cup ]

Bob Livingston: Hey, I know it’s unpleasant when you get booted out..

Newt Gingrich: Hey, I didn’t get booted out! I resigned.

Bob Livingston: Oh, not you.. I mean, it would be hard, you know, if they got fired.. but you resigned. Oh, by the way.. [ grabs a balled-up piece of paper ] ..do you want this?

Newt Gingrich: What’s that?

Bob Livingston: [ unfolds paper ] It’s your Contract With America. I found it this way. [ laughs ]

[ President Bill Clinton peeks into the office ]

President Bill Clinton: Hey, guys! Just came by to see if I’mimpeached yet! [ laughs ]

Newt Gingrich: Hey, Bill.

President Bill Clinton: [ shakes hands ] How are you, Newt? It’s good to see you. Man, look at this city! It’s not gonna be the same without you, Newt. Bob, will you give us just a second?

Bob Livingston: Fine. It’s only my office! [ throws hispencils at his desk ] God, I can’t wait until George Bush is President.

President Bill Clinton: He already was. And I beat him!

Bob Livingston: Yeah, but now there’s a new George Bush -George W. Bush! And he’s younger, and better, and faster! Whoo! Rock and roll! [ shoves Newt, then exits office ]

President Bill Clinton: What an ass!

Newt Gingrich: That’s, uh.. that’s what you used to call me.

President Bill Clinton: You know, Newt, I’m gonna miss your giant hate-filled head.

Newt Gingrich: I appreciate that, Bill. Boy, we sure shook this town up, didn’t we?

President Bill Clinton: Oh, hell yeah! Remember when you wouldn’t let us pass Health Care Reform?

Newt Gingrich: Yeah. Or how we watered down the assault weapons ban?

President Bill Clinton: Oh, yeah.

Newt Gingrich: And how I fought funding for school repairs?

President Bill Clinton: Oh yeah, right. And now, because of you, there are a lot of sick, illiterate kids with gunshot wounds!

Newt Gingrich: Yeah, there are. Thanks, Bill. Boy, we sure played off each other well.

President Bill Clinton: Yeah, we’re two peas in a pod!

Newt Gingrich: Right. Two peas who hate each other with aburning white passion!

[ they laugh ]

President Bill Clinton: I don’t know how I’m gonna manage without you.

Newt Gingrich: Oh, don’t worry, Bill. We’ll meet again. Someday.

[ breaks into song ]
I’ll never forget the night we met
I was making fun of minorities.”
President Bill Clinton: “How well I recall, that magic ball
When you achieved Congressional seniorities.”
Together: “We’ll meet again someday, ’cause our reign is here to stay
It just goes to show that age-old fact
That when you get down to it, opposites attract!”

[ they dance across the set ]

President Bill Clinton: “You hate poor people, I’m a hypocrite.”

Newt Gingrich: “But somehow this partnership works, somehow this match was a hit!
Like Rogers and Astaire.”

President Bill Clinton: “Like Mr. and Mrs. von Bulow.
Our only bond was a burning white hate.”

Together: “It just goes to show that age-old fact
That when you get down to it, opposites attract!”

President Bill Clinton: You old son of a gun!

Newt Gingrich: I hate you!

President Bill Clinton: Oh, no! I hate you!

Newt Gingrich: [ singing ]
“Like hope and Farrakhan.”

President Bill Clinton: “Like Kurt Cobain and fame.”

Newt Gingrich: “Without you around, it ain’t the same game.”

Together: “It just goes to show you, oh don’t you know you..
It just goes to show you, opposites attract!”

[ Bill and Newt take each other’s arms and fall into a loving embrace ]

President Bill Clinton: Damn, that was nice!

Newt Gingrich: “You’re the wrong to my right.”

President Bill Clinton: “You made it fun to fight.”
Together: “Live, from New York, it’s.. Saturday Ni-i-i-i-i-i-i-ight!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

The Jenson Mint

Businessman…..Chris Parnell
Hobo…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: You make a lot of money. And the last thing you wantto do is give your change away to some street person. It’s an awkwardsituation. That’s why the Jenson Mint offers a new line of fake change togive to the homeless. Each coin is carefully crafted to look and feel likea real quarter – at first glance. But, upon closer inspection, the hobodiscovers a disappointing message:

[ the coin reads “Not Today Friend” ]

Announcer: Each fake Jenson quarter costs just thirty-five cents – asmall price to pay for peace of mind. And, if the bum tries to cash in aJenson coin, he’ll find they’re not only worthless, but they’re stolen.That means he’ll never bother you for change again. And that’s the Americanway. The Jenson way.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

Space: The Infinite Frontier

Harry Carey…..Will Ferrell
Linda Ham…..Joan Allen

Death hasn’t stopped former Cubs broadcaster Harry Carey from hosting “Space: The Infinite Frontier”. His guest is Linda Ham, the flight director for John Glenn’s return to space:

Harry Carey: Now, tell us: what was it like working with an American legend like John Glenn?

Linda Ham: Well.. Senator Glenn was, um.. [ pause ] ..an inspiration.. I.. I’m sorry.. Please, please forgive me for asking this, but didn’t you die?

Harry Carey: Yes, I did. What’s your point?

Linda Ham: Uh.. oh.. nothing..

Harry Carey: Good. Hey! So they shot the shuttle Discovery up into space!

Linda Ham: Yes.

Harry Carey: Is that thing ever coming back?

Linda Ham: Uh, it landed a week ago.

Harry Carey: How many survivors?

Linda Ham: Everyone survived, Harry.

Harry Carey: Oh. That’s a relief. [ long pause ] Hey, Linda! What was it like inventing the space shuttle?

Linda Ham: Uh.. I didn’t invent the shuttle.

Harry Carey: Well, I wonder, whoever did, made a lot of money! And then, I bet he tried to invent something else. But it wasn’t as good. Life can sometimes turn your greatest successes into your most crushing defeats!

Linda Ham: [ not sure how to respond ] Yeah.. I guess that’s right..

Harry Carey: Linda Ham! Linda Ham! Linda Ham! Does your name ever make you hungry?

Linda Ham: No. No.

Harry Carey: Well, it makes me hungry! One time, I named a sandwich “Linda”. It was a beautiful sandwich! And guess what kind of sandwich it was.

Linda Ham: I don’t know. Ham?

Harry Carey: I guess. I don’t know. Hey, Linda! When are we finally going to get over to Mars?

Linda Ham: Well, there is a manned expedition being discussed..

Harry Carey: No! I mean you and me! We could make an evening of it. We’ll head over to Mars, and I’ll bring my sandwich “Linda”. And we can make sloppy Martian love in the back of my dunebuggy. So, what do you say? Is it a date? It’s a simple question: Do you want to go to Mars with a dead guy and a sandwich? Yes or no?

Linda Ham: Uh.. no..

Harry Carey: Yeah, you’re right.. it probably wouldn’t work out. But it doesn’t hurt to be a dreamer! If we didn’t dream, we wouldn’t have the space shuttle.

Linda Ham: That’s right, Harry. That’s a very good point.

Harry Carey: Also, if we didn’t dream, our brains would devour themselves, in madness and paranoia. The Viet Cong knew that. That’s why they used sleep deprivation as a form of torture! [ long drawn-out pause ] Anyway, that’s all the time we have! Hey! Join us next week at nine o’clock Eastern time, and watch me eat an entire planet! [ stagehand whispers in Harry’s ear ] Oh! Thanks, Pete! That’s actually eight o’clock Eastern time. I’m still going to eat a planet! See you then! Cubs win! Cubs win!
[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

VH-1 Spirituality Awards

Andy Dick…..Chris Kattan
Maya Angelou…..Tracy Morgan
Marilyn Manson…..Jimmy Fallon
Alanis Morissette…..Cheri Oteri
Jesus…..Will Ferrell
Calista Flockheart…..Ana Gasteyer
Will Smith…..Tim Meadows
Courtney Love…..Molly Shannon
Madonna…..Joan Allen

Andy Dick: Hiii! I’m Andy Dick. Welcome back to the VH1 Spirituality Awards, the only awards show to honor the hottest celebrities and the cooooolest religions. Omigod! Do you like my outfit? I borrowed it from a girl. Is that weird? What’s wrong with me? Anyway, here to present the award for best spiritual event of the year are poet Maya Angelou and glam rocker Marilyn Manson!

(Maya and Marilyn enter the stage)

Maya Angelou: You know, Marilyn, I really enjoy your albums. They are more like poetry.

Marilyn Manson: Yeah. Your poetry is a lot like greeting cards. The nominees for spiritual event of the year are: Kundun helping the starving in Nepal, a man donating a kidney to his nephew, Natalie Imbruglia, the Pope proposes Edith Stein for sainthood. Great. And the number one most spiritually meaningful event of the year is: Edith Stein proposes for sainthood. Accepting for the Lady Edith Stein is Alanis Morissette.

(Alanis Morissette walks up to the stage, she is naked just like in her video “Thank U”)

Alanis Morissette: Edith would like me to thank the Pope, the Catholic Church, and all the celebrities here tonight. [singing to the tune of “Thank U”] How ’bout Edith, thank you, thank you… VH1.

Andy Dick: I am sooooo attracted to Marilyn Manson. That’s weird, isn’t it? I should like girls. I like these girls! Okay, here to present the award for most spiritual young actor are Calista Flockheart and (gasps) JESUS!

(Calista Flockheart and Jesus enter the stage)

Jesus: (puts glasses on and arranges them) Well, Calista, you look really skinny. You should try my new low-fat fishes diet.

Calista Flockheart: Thanks, Jesus. Maybe we should do lunch? I’ll have my people call your people.

Jesus: Better get started. I have billions of people.

Calista Flockheart: Well, Jesus, it’s been an amazing year for soulful young actors.

Jesus: Being with Allah, Buddha, or even me, these young cats really know how to get their inner groove on.

Calista Flockheart: The nominees for most spiritual young actor are… Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, David Arquette, Will Smith, and Chris Rock.

Jesus: And the winner is… why am I even opening it? I’m all-knowing. The winner is Will Smith.

(Will Smith walks on to the stage for his award)

Will Smith: Hey, how you doing? Hey, man, nice seeing you, man. Wow! Whoo! Hey, I wanna thank my beautiful wife Jada! I love you, baby! Yeah! I wanna thank the supreme being, the master creator, the king of kings… Barry Sonnenfeld for casting me in “Men in Black,” man, yeah! You the man, Barry! Whoo! Peace out, all right!

Andy Dick: Ooh… Jesus and Calista Flockheart… ooh! He’s a carpenter and she’s like Karen Carpenter. Whatever. Am I gay? Okay, okay, okay. Here to present a very holy and meaningful award is the woman who’s a goddess in her own right. Please welcome, former junkie stripper, Courtney Lovvvvve!

(Courtney Love enters the stage)

Courtney Love: Okay, I’m here to give out the first annual Mahatma Gandhi Award. This award is given to an individual who has dedicated her life to spiritual pursuits… y’know, like, without giving out her essential femininin – femininity… and, some kind of ononistic show of stoisism. What. YOU SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SH… SH… Okay. This year’s Gandhi Award goes out to Madonna.

(Madonna walks onto the stage for her award and is kissed by Courtney Love)

Madonna: Um… thank you. If nothing else, Mahatma Gandhi was a man… who knew the importance of being spiritual. The incredible spiritual journey I have taken over the last ten weeks, I owe entirely to my teachings of the Kaballa. The Kaballa is a form of ancient Jewish mysticism that I learned in a night class in L.A. We are all rays of light, eminating from deity.

(Courtney Love re-enters)

Courtney Love: Remember, Madonna, like, eight years ago, when you were, like,  totally into the Virgin Mary… whatever happened to that? That’s weird.

Madonna: The desire to be known and to create comes from deity, and what is so terribly tragic…

Courtney Love: Wait, where is – w… why are you talking like that? Are you, like, from England or something? Are you from the London of England? Don’t forget, you’re from Detroit, Madonna Louise Ciconne! Detroit!

Madonna: Is that one of the tenants of Buddhism, Courtney, making fun of the way people talk?

Courtney Love: Okay, first of all, I just have to say, the Kaballa is scoffed up from mainstream Judaism. The second of all, Michael Stipe thinks it’s jackass.

Madonna: Courtney, Courtney. The goal of Buddhism is to attain Nirvana, not break it up.

Courtney Love: You SHUT UP! Shut up, you dyke! You shut up! (throws award out to the audience in anger)

Andy Dick: (makes gay noises) Okay, we got to go to a commercial. But stick around, ’cause when we come back, we got performances by – (starts shaking his hands in a gay manner) Natalie Merchant and the Devil.

(fade)

Submitted by: Mike S.

SNL Transcripts